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 surely im shirley
Joined: 6/14/2008
Msg: 76
should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationshipPage 4 of 13    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13)

Ok, next "opinion" that someone wants to pull out of her ***, based on nothing, to demonize people who have wide age differences in a relationship.


The OP asked if a 30 year age difference would be a deal breaker. Tough question....tough answers from people with opinions based on their own perceptions, experience and feelings. Perhaps some people are simply overly sensitive and unable to be objective because of their own close involvement with the issue.


I'm dating someone twenty years my senior. I adore him because I'm intellectually challenged by him in addition to being very attracted to him. He's loving and kind. He's a very special person. When I first started dating him, I was unsure if the age difference was a problem. But after a few months, I find it doesn't matter at all. I am more attracted to him every day.


Thats' lovely. Best wishes.
But...when you are 51, he will be 71, and when you are his age now, he will be 81. The age gap starts to look a bit different then, wouldn't you agree?


Would she choose to be with you if your home and financial assistance and security were not available?


Of course, for obvious and perhaps subconscious reasons, the woman involved will deny that this may be the case and the man will too, for different, but also obvious reasons.

In answer to the OP? A 30 year age difference is a total deal breaker for me for all of the reasons I have expressed, based on my opinions. That was the OT. No offense intended.
 kiinunobaka
Joined: 8/14/2008
Msg: 77
should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/15/2008 9:06:08 PM
The only thing I think anybody should have stopping them from having such a close relationship with a gap this large is how it will be for the younger party far into the future. and I;m not talking about maturing or changing.. because people do that their whole lives. regardless of age gaps people still grow out of each other sometimes.

But what if you die 30 years before her. Will it be worth it to have had her invest all those very intimate years into you while she still has so many more to live without you?

Average parents are around 30. Will you be around to comfort her through her parents death? (Assuming she's even close to her parent's some people aren't but it's an example) Or will you be close to the end of your life to? Or worse.. will you already be dead. will she have already watched you succumb to old age while she's still young?

I know that young people die too. I know that car crashes and accidents and all sorts of horrible things happen to young people too. But you're making it more likely that she'll have nobodies close hand to hold when her parents are leaving her.
 kellygrl51
Joined: 9/21/2008
Msg: 78
should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/16/2008 6:05:15 PM
"I know that young people die too. I know that car crashes and accidents and all sorts of horrible things happen to young people too. But you're making it more likely that she'll have nobodies close hand to hold when her parents are leaving her."

You are exactly right !! Young people do die early sometimes, but thank God not as often as the oldsters. 30 years is alot in my opinion, all I can say is I know many, many, many 70 year old men and women, yet not one 100 year old man or woman. All my years working in the hospital I've not met one 100 year old man or woman, I know they're out there, I just don't know any.

Now as far as bashing goes, I think some need to re-read this post, most of the bashing is by older men who are dating younger women.
 kiinunobaka
Joined: 8/14/2008
Msg: 79
should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/16/2008 9:10:13 PM
I never said they shouldn't.

I said that /I think/ it should be thought about. Not that anybody was doing anything wrong in any way. it's just something I would worry about personally.

I haven't beaten or thrashed anybody with my opinion.. I did what seemed neutral and gave my opinion for viewing.
 Gaddflye
Joined: 9/10/2008
Msg: 80
should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/17/2008 6:23:45 AM
The only bashing I can find comes from the older women and there is a good deal of it. The men in these relationships are the happy campers/posters.
 surely im shirley
Joined: 6/14/2008
Msg: 81
should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/17/2008 7:11:03 AM

What I've seen is a lot of people, who aren't in these sorts of relationships, make all sorts of assumptions. Then someone in such a relationship responds. Then, there is no acknowledgment that perhaps, someone's preconception, doesn't jibe with reality.


Just because you are in such a relationship does not make you an expert on the topic, but perhaps just simply on your own, and that you may be overly sensitive and unable to be objective because of your close involvement. Your comments, although enlightening and interesting, did not convince me that my opinions and preconceptions were wrong. Indeed, many of the comments of those with experience in this type of relationship, including myself, confirmed my opinion that those involved are probably not on comparable levels of intellectual, emotional, social or financial maturity. I'm sure it was apparent to others as well. JMO That is why I reverted to the OP. I was reluctant to indulge in anything that might be considered bashing.
 surely im shirley
Joined: 6/14/2008
Msg: 82
should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/17/2008 1:15:41 PM
I agree that in a significantly smaller target group of those in this type of relationship that compared to the 'norm', that separation/divorce rates may be lower. There have been very few anecdotal testimonies that gave enough information to actually change my preconceptions, and my questions were still not answered. Thats' why the debate goes on...and thats' why for me, a 30 year age difference is a deal breaker. I'm actually seeing a man 16 years my senior and the age difference may still be a deal breaker!
 surely im shirley
Joined: 6/14/2008
Msg: 83
should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/17/2008 4:52:44 PM
Hey RM...it seems that your post is in response to mine.

If my older/younger relationship is irrevelant to the "argument", then why did you use yours as an example? Furthermore, it was my opinion that a woman who seeks a man 30 years her senior is needy is some way, and that the man involved is exploiting that need. I never used the term dysfunctional in relation to either of those people. I believe that we are all dysfunctional in one way or another. Finally, if I were to instigate a relationship with a man 30 years my junior (OOPS...that would make him 18) So say 20 years my junior, my relationship with my children would probably deteriorate. I don't think they would handle that well. Besides, the thought of hooking up with a man in 10 years who is now 18 is just postively repulsive to me. I would very definitely feel like a dirty old woman. For the life of me, I cannot imagine a man 30 years my junior with whom I could enjoy compatibility in any other way than sex. JMO.
 kellygrl51
Joined: 9/21/2008
Msg: 84
should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/17/2008 4:57:50 PM
Nothing wrong with looking into the future, hence the reason I have a 401k....To each is own, for me no more than 3-5 years older, but thats just ME!
 kellygrl51
Joined: 9/21/2008
Msg: 85
should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/17/2008 6:57:24 PM
"Guess he either made up his own mind, or was afraid to pop his head up."
Or he worked things out with the wife...He is married and maybe he decided that really was the better deal...
 kellygrl51
Joined: 9/21/2008
Msg: 86
should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/17/2008 7:15:40 PM
"Large age difference rels are not exactly LTR material, maybe MTR, but then what is LT these days (and always, but even more so apparent nowadays)? '

Well I just have one thing to say to this...If I were to choose to live life in the moment, it most definitely would not be with an old guy, it would be a young guy hands down...

 kellygrl51
Joined: 9/21/2008
Msg: 87
should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/17/2008 7:54:18 PM
"Apparently, that is the same rationale that many "old guys" have, they prefer a "young woman" to an "old woman"."

It was a joke...geez... I want same age or close to it, I want to grow old with someone...but thats just me....I really don't care what anyone else does.
 kellygrl51
Joined: 9/21/2008
Msg: 88
should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/18/2008 8:33:16 AM
"I agree. I'm in a relationship and it isn't a
lock into" a future "contract
for either of us, we are a younger/older relationship. Yes, I'm the younger woman and I'm in a relationship with a older man. He is 30 years older then me. "

It sounds like you both know its temporary and when you think about as long as you're both on the same page....its all good!
 la1423231
Joined: 6/1/2008
Msg: 89
should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/18/2008 7:56:21 PM
It depends on the people involved. If they are a good match, enjoy being with each other and give each other what the other one needs. Then why not. I've learned so much from much younger women - and learned things about women that I never really understood until now. I've learned to be more affectionate, loving and caring - I learned that from a younger woman and it changed the way I view and respond to women now and my relationships with women are much better now (and I understand them better now) than when I was younger (and a younger woman taught me that). No matter how young or old you are, you can always learn something new from someone very young or very old.
 kellygrl51
Joined: 9/21/2008
Msg: 90
should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 12/6/2008 9:48:28 AM
"I have an adult daughter and I would much rather see her with the right older gentleman than the wrong jerk near her age! "

Wow you don't think too much of your daughter. Whats wrong with a nice young man her age?
 singleagain66
Joined: 12/29/2007
Msg: 91
should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 12/6/2008 10:55:56 AM
I was told the rule of thumb is to go half your age then add seven years and thats should be good starting point if your worry about age difference. But I think you can still use that formula but instead of adding seven years go and add nine years to be safe and not fill to bad about the age difference.
 Dena Lee
Joined: 9/14/2008
Msg: 92
should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 12/6/2008 4:52:11 PM
As we can see the majority of us feel this type of relationship is very inappropriate. When a person is going to date someone that is 30 years or more older than them, you almost have to think that you are dating someone that is your parents age. How can anyone even fathom such a disgusting act? Would you go up to one of your mother or father's best friends and ask them on a date??? No I don't think you would. How do you even explain that to your friends, family, co-workers? Oh sorry I fell in love with this old man/old woman and we have so much in common...What in the heck could you possibly have in common? Eventually the relationship is going to crumble into ashes and fall apart. She will get bored with an old man who doesn't want to go party and play all the time. Her friends will pressure her into going out all the time, and he will get angry and possesive and that will drive her even farther away from him. So how can that possibly consitute as a healthy and loving relationship between two adults????
 Gaddflye
Joined: 9/10/2008
Msg: 93
should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 12/7/2008 6:36:48 AM
As I reflect back on my post divorce dating I have followed the half my age plus 7 years rule plus or minus 7 years. The youngest was a 29 year old when I was 58. She and I knew it would not go anywhere but we hit it off. Our first telephone conversation before we even met lasted 4 hours and she knew how old I was. Then, just a couple of years ago I met a 33 year old (who I still occasionally see). She now lives on the other side of the country but travels here for work. We enjoy each other. These women are a bit younger than those I usually date who range from 12 to 25 years younger than I am. The oldest woman I dated post divorce is now 54. She was 40 and I was 52 when I met her. She was my first ltr. The next lady was 37 when I was 57. We had a wonderful ltr. Both wanted to get married and I did not. The first one has remarried; the second has not. Since then the other women I have dated have mostly been in
that age range.

I have not followed the rule consciously. That is, I have not set out to do so. Things just happened that way. I find younger women attractive and fun whereas I find myself put off and even repulsed by the thought of having to date most women my age or even a few years younger. I am just not romantically drawn to them. That is just me and how I do life. Others surely have different ideas.
 kellygrl51
Joined: 9/21/2008
Msg: 94
should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 12/7/2008 9:11:20 AM
"So how can that possibly consitute as a healthy and loving relationship between two adults???? "

From what I can gather a healthy and loving relationship is not what they're looking for. It's purely sexual and not meant to last as one poster said "it's not a lock down contract" Whatever makes you happy. I'll stick with men in my age range, it's what makes me happy.....
 tchofclas
Joined: 12/24/2005
Msg: 95
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History
should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 12/9/2008 3:51:23 PM
My father was 16 years older than my mother.He was what was termed a brittle diabetic, my grandmother was told he would not live to be an old man. He was 45 when I was born. Would that either of my marriages had been half as good as theirs. When she died in her 68th year, he was devastated, and only lasted another 3 years without her. You do the math. Had they listened to people like some of the posters on here, they would have never enjoyed almost 40 years of married bliss. Granted, it wasn't a 30 year age difference, but it was significant.
Also one of my closest friends married a man 25 years her senior. Our kids are just months apart, and hers was born just a couple of weeks before he turned 50. They are still together, and he turned 82 in Sept. And just so you naysayers who think they must have had a dysfunctional past, my mother's father died 2 years after I was born, and my girlfriend's dad died about 15 years ago, so they both had father's in their lives. My mother was a teacher, my girlfriend's mother was a teacher, as was her father, so should we say being/having a teacher in your family predisposes you to marry older? Makes about as much sense as some of the other drivel spouted here. Did this predispose me to seeking someone much older? No, I've learned it is more important that you are on the same page in what you can live with/without, and when you find the person you've been seeking from day one, age is just a number. I think one of the best responses to this dilemma is to ask the person how old they would be if they didn't know how old they were. As to why we can be so strongly attracted to someone of a big age difference, or even to one closer in age where often we are drawn back to each other over and over, maybe the poster who brought up past lives had a valid point. Sometimes when we are not open to opinions that differ from our own, it can be an indication we've stopped growing ourselves, at least IMO!
 Dena Lee
Joined: 9/14/2008
Msg: 96
should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 12/15/2008 5:48:47 PM
Has anyone ever read the stages of physical, emotional and psychological development from psychoanalyst Erik Erikson. He discusses the stages of life everyone goes through and how a person can develop problems in the future if any of these stages are missed or not completed successfully.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 97
should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 12/19/2008 5:11:23 PM

I want same age or close to it, I want to grow old with someone...but thats just me....I really don't care what anyone else does.

Exactly. I have always maintained that I wanted someone to grow old with, not someone I had to watch grow old. In addition, I wanted someone from MY time-zone. My SO is younger, but at least we were in high school at the same time. He gets HAIRNATION on Sirius satellite radio, he knows who "The Unknown Comic" was, he was a virgin (as was I) when the first case of AIDS was diagnosed and HIV became a concern (unlike those of the free-loving 70s or the ultra-conversative 60s), it's a whole slew of things that had to fit for me. Likewise, someone in their mid-30s? I'd be nearly 50 and he'd be nearly 40 in 5 years. That is a HUGE difference in "time-zone" and I wouldn't want someone having to watch me grow old, I think that would be a terrible injustice to someone even 10 years younger than I am. But as stated above: I really don't care what anyone else does, either. JMO
 kellygrl51
Joined: 9/21/2008
Msg: 98
should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 12/19/2008 6:48:04 PM
I can't fathom someone being so arrogant as to call relationships that other adults consensually choose to enter into, as being "disgusting".

Whats wrong with someone finding it disgusting? They don't want that type of relationship so for them it would be disgusting. A 28 year old woman looks at a 58 year old man the same way a 58 year old man looks at an 88 year old woman. I'm sorry but that is reality and sometime reality bites..... nothing arrogant about that!
 kellygrl51
Joined: 9/21/2008
Msg: 99
should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 12/19/2008 7:19:35 PM
msg. 279: Just because you happen to be with someone who is younger does not mean you are being singled out! Actually your relationship makes sense to me, she has 3 kids came from a dysfunctional marriage, I can see why seeking older would benefit her. If it's working all is good.
 Gaddflye
Joined: 9/10/2008
Msg: 100
should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 12/23/2008 1:29:25 PM
I just checked my high school class website since a 50th reunion is being planned for 2010. The site showed a high resolution large photograph of the reunion committee, seven people from our class, five women and two men. The two men I knew well and they are easily recognizable. Three of the women I knew but I could only recognize one. The women were all quite obese. The men were a healthy weight. The women looked almost old enough to be the mothers of the men, no kidding. None of the women would even come close to turning up on my dating possibilities radar if I encountered them anywhere. Thanks, but no thanks to dating women my age. I am sticking with the suitably younger ones.
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