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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 matured one
Joined: 9/21/2008
Msg: 42
should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationshipPage 6 of 13    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13)
Wow,pretty intense communication here.I have always dated older women.From as much as five years older to 16 years older and the 16 yr.older one was the best relationship I ever had.At first she was`nt quite comfortable but loosened up when she realized I was`nt after her money or anything like that and just liked her for her.Some women have issues when an younger guy shows interest in her,thinking an ultierior motive.However I have always just felt comfortable around older women and thats why I go for them.
One thing to keep in mind is generational differences and without a very strong bond this will become apparent and the relationship could suffer.
There are instances where two hook up and are very happy throughout their lives,but if I read the start of all this correctly 30yrs.is a very large gap indeed.
 bewitchingall1
Joined: 7/27/2008
Msg: 43
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should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/12/2008 9:47:22 AM
Did everyone forget the saying "Love Is Blind!"? Most everyone on POF is looking for a soul mate; someone to share their lives with. Just the one saying alone says you look beyond age, race, looks, and such. When you love someone you see them in a different light then everyone else. True love makes the world disappear as well as all their opinions. I find it sad that so many people care what society says. If what society has to say is so important and right then why is there so many divorces and unhappy marriages or just people straying from their "society" right relationships? You have to Love from your heart and soul not just your mind and body. Granted their are laws that shouldn't be crossed but if your of legal age of concent then why not enjoy a relationship with someone you love? Age, race, ethnic background, social status, bank accounts, and looks should never be a factor in matters of the heart. If you truely love a person none of this is important because they are everything to you. You'll find ways to adapt as times change and it won't be a burden because ...LOVE IS BLIND!
 bewitchingall1
Joined: 7/27/2008
Msg: 44
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should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/12/2008 2:05:03 PM
I agree with TPNW there are some men looking to have children so they won't want an older woman that is beyond that point. Which is why I personally make it important to point out that from the get go with any new possible significant other. For some it's not a question of if we want children its a fact we can't have any. That is true of even young woman that can't concieve for medical reasons. It may not be a want to factor involved but a medical reason the negates they can't. Saying I don't want children is a blanket statement which don't allow for those that want but can't. There are also those that can't have children of their own but would be thrilled to be involved with someone that has children from a previous relationship. Maybe POF should put those in the drop down list....lol So should menopause, infertility, and impotence figure into the age factors? Only in the sense that we all need to know how to be honest and forth right with one another. and the discussion goes on.................
 N2wildplaces
Joined: 6/15/2008
Msg: 45
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should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/12/2008 7:02:02 PM
Generally speaking, I AM looking for someone closer to my own age, although there are many out there within my range specified that I am NOT attracted to nor would I e-mail them after having viewed and read their profile. That is NOT to discount the potential & possibilities out there of someone considerably older than me, but I have to be honest & admit I am not ACTIVELY searching for someone ~10 yrs. older than me, (which seems to be a bone of contention with a few of those who have written to me that I have replied to.) To put it into perspective, I am sure most of you men in your 50's are NOT searching for someone in her 60's as a potential mate. A fellow e-mailed me awhile ago, & didn't seem to like my candor....I was 44 at the time, he was 55 & stated most people thought he was in his early 30's. I saw his picture....he looked every bit in his 50's! I went back to his profile & noticed that his age preference for a mate was 13yrs younger or up to only 2 yrs older than he was. He was not happy, nor did he have a good answer when (to prove a point), I referred to his age range criteria and candidly asked if he were seeking a 65 yr old woman. He replied that age was only a number, and just a criteria........to which I replied: "Yes, it is a criteria, & we all have our criteria"....some just easily take offense at other's criteria, & assume that that criteria must be carved in stone because it is in a profile. (Mine is NOT carved in stone). BUT.... If I am willing to compromise on some things, there will likely be something spectacular (in my opinion)within that person to make me flex a little in my criteria range. The gentleman, when all was said and done, stated he could see my point.
Yes, age CAN be only a number. When I was 33 I met a man who was 35 & acted & looked like he was well into his 50's. Near that same time I met a man who was 46 & did not look or act a day over 35. I just feel that those who tend to be honest (like me) in what they are seeking tend to be "chastised" for it.
 Gaddflye
Joined: 9/10/2008
Msg: 46
should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/12/2008 9:49:15 PM
I am 6'3", 66 and I date only women 32-53 who are hot. For me, a substantial age differential is a deal maker, not a deal breaker.
 Gaddflye
Joined: 9/10/2008
Msg: 47
should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/13/2008 1:06:09 PM
As men grow older it is in the natural order of things for them to pair up with younger women. Just look back in history. Of course, evolutuonary reasons form the basis for middle aged and older men's preference for younger women (women who appear to be fertile). The men who were drawn to infertile women, if there ever were any, left few or none of their genes in the gene pool.

I have been in nothing but older-younger relationships for well over a decade now. I can not even imagine (nor do I want to) what it would be like to be with a woman near my own age.

In my experience, the only people around me who seem upset or disturbed and even angry when they see me with a younger woman I am dating are women near my own age. They get a strange puckered-frown look on their face like they have something astringent and sour in their mouth. I chalk it up to envy and resentment. Older women, say 70 and up, seem happy with it. They light up smiles and say hello. Younger women don't appear to notice or seem to care one way or the other since most have dating lives of their own. Other men seem happy enough about it and some confide to me they wish they were so fortunate.

Whose business is it anyway? That of the people involved in the relationship and possibly society at large if a minor or person of reduced capacity is involved.
If the people involved are consenting adults and happily choose to be together it makes the world a better place.
 Verissa
Joined: 7/29/2006
Msg: 48
should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/13/2008 5:37:40 PM
I dated a man 22 years my senior...he was wonderful and I adored him. Sadly it was a deal breaker because I wanted more children and he wanted none. If two people agree on lifestyle and can live happily together it might not be a deal breaker...it might work out fine.
 Gaddflye
Joined: 9/10/2008
Msg: 49
should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/13/2008 5:54:25 PM
The reality is that the older men, say 45 - 65, date and marry younger women 35 - 50, not 18 -23 or thereabouts. My remarks were addressed to this part of the population. Your and my recently-turned-adult daughters are safe from the codgers!

Most people in their late teens through their late twenties or even into their early thirties date and marry mates within a couple of years of their own age. My remarks concern middle aged and older men, not young men.
 dave1234
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 50
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should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/13/2008 6:25:26 PM

(Msg 201) If young adults are not mature enough to think for themselves who is to blame but their own parents and the deficient upbringing they were given from ages 1-18?


I'm always reminded of a story I read a few years ago. A girl delivered a baby at her prom. A miscarriage at six months. She left the fetus in the toilet and returned to the dance.

When the Police investigated she explained no one knew she was pregnant as she didn't show. She said she couldn't tell her family as it would have broken her father's heart.

That poor girl starved herself for months so as not to show her pregnancy because she was either scared or ashamed to tell her father. Can you imagine how she was brought up?

////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

When people ask how one would feel if their daughter dated older guys my daughter, at 22, dated a guy 35. I knew she wouldn't end up pregnant and dumped because guys 35 know what that would cost them. She was treated better by him than any guy her own age treated her.

While the OP is older the gal he's with is around the same age as my daughter was. People insinuate the guy will manipulate the gal. I don't know what 22 year old females they are familiar with but I have never met a 22 year old gal who did anything they didn't want to do!
 1lifelove16
Joined: 5/26/2008
Msg: 51
should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/13/2008 9:59:48 PM
Depends on a few details. Like are you in any way (now be honest with yourself here) influencing her "mind" in any way whatsoever ?
As adults we have a tendancy to "overpower" young adults with our so called "wisdom" especially when we are getting "involved". Also are you buying gifts for the young one ? Showering a younger generation with gifts and showing alot of attention tends to make that person "feel" rather grownup.
One needs to really think about their motives as opposed to their wants or needs and not confuse the two.
 Gaddflye
Joined: 9/10/2008
Msg: 52
should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/14/2008 7:22:56 PM
Msg 227: I have an adult daughter and I would much rather see her with the right older gentleman than the wrong jerk near her age!
 dave1234
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 53
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should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/14/2008 8:17:31 PM

(Msg 227) seems to appear the only men on here not complaining of it are the ones who don't have kids...if ya'll were parents you would most likely have a diff opinion


I wrote in msg 206,
When people ask how one would feel if their daughter dated older guys my daughter, at 22, dated a guy 35. I knew she wouldn't end up pregnant and dumped because guys 35 know what that would cost them. She was treated better by him than any guy her own age treated her.


Maybe I'm wrong but could sex have anything to do with people's aversion to such unions? Do people feel that sex is the primary reason older men are with younger women? If so, perhaps I can shed some light on this.

First, let me say that at 56, my sex drive is fine. That being said, when I was 22 my sex drive was through the roof! Common activities, intellectual conversations, similar values........at 22 there was one activity, one conversation, one value that was front and center and I'm sure we can all guess what they was.

So, if anyone believes a 50 year old man's primary concern is sex while a 22 year old man's concerns lean more towards activities and conversations...........well, they've never been a 22 year old man.
 kiinunobaka
Joined: 8/14/2008
Msg: 54
should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/15/2008 9:06:08 PM
The only thing I think anybody should have stopping them from having such a close relationship with a gap this large is how it will be for the younger party far into the future. and I;m not talking about maturing or changing.. because people do that their whole lives. regardless of age gaps people still grow out of each other sometimes.

But what if you die 30 years before her. Will it be worth it to have had her invest all those very intimate years into you while she still has so many more to live without you?

Average parents are around 30. Will you be around to comfort her through her parents death? (Assuming she's even close to her parent's some people aren't but it's an example) Or will you be close to the end of your life to? Or worse.. will you already be dead. will she have already watched you succumb to old age while she's still young?

I know that young people die too. I know that car crashes and accidents and all sorts of horrible things happen to young people too. But you're making it more likely that she'll have nobodies close hand to hold when her parents are leaving her.
 kiinunobaka
Joined: 8/14/2008
Msg: 55
should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/16/2008 9:10:13 PM
I never said they shouldn't.

I said that /I think/ it should be thought about. Not that anybody was doing anything wrong in any way. it's just something I would worry about personally.

I haven't beaten or thrashed anybody with my opinion.. I did what seemed neutral and gave my opinion for viewing.
 Gaddflye
Joined: 9/10/2008
Msg: 56
should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/17/2008 6:23:45 AM
The only bashing I can find comes from the older women and there is a good deal of it. The men in these relationships are the happy campers/posters.
 singleagain66
Joined: 12/29/2007
Msg: 57
should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 12/6/2008 10:55:56 AM
I was told the rule of thumb is to go half your age then add seven years and thats should be good starting point if your worry about age difference. But I think you can still use that formula but instead of adding seven years go and add nine years to be safe and not fill to bad about the age difference.
 Gaddflye
Joined: 9/10/2008
Msg: 58
should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 12/7/2008 6:36:48 AM
As I reflect back on my post divorce dating I have followed the half my age plus 7 years rule plus or minus 7 years. The youngest was a 29 year old when I was 58. She and I knew it would not go anywhere but we hit it off. Our first telephone conversation before we even met lasted 4 hours and she knew how old I was. Then, just a couple of years ago I met a 33 year old (who I still occasionally see). She now lives on the other side of the country but travels here for work. We enjoy each other. These women are a bit younger than those I usually date who range from 12 to 25 years younger than I am. The oldest woman I dated post divorce is now 54. She was 40 and I was 52 when I met her. She was my first ltr. The next lady was 37 when I was 57. We had a wonderful ltr. Both wanted to get married and I did not. The first one has remarried; the second has not. Since then the other women I have dated have mostly been in
that age range.

I have not followed the rule consciously. That is, I have not set out to do so. Things just happened that way. I find younger women attractive and fun whereas I find myself put off and even repulsed by the thought of having to date most women my age or even a few years younger. I am just not romantically drawn to them. That is just me and how I do life. Others surely have different ideas.
 tchofclas
Joined: 12/24/2005
Msg: 59
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should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 12/9/2008 3:51:23 PM
My father was 16 years older than my mother.He was what was termed a brittle diabetic, my grandmother was told he would not live to be an old man. He was 45 when I was born. Would that either of my marriages had been half as good as theirs. When she died in her 68th year, he was devastated, and only lasted another 3 years without her. You do the math. Had they listened to people like some of the posters on here, they would have never enjoyed almost 40 years of married bliss. Granted, it wasn't a 30 year age difference, but it was significant.
Also one of my closest friends married a man 25 years her senior. Our kids are just months apart, and hers was born just a couple of weeks before he turned 50. They are still together, and he turned 82 in Sept. And just so you naysayers who think they must have had a dysfunctional past, my mother's father died 2 years after I was born, and my girlfriend's dad died about 15 years ago, so they both had father's in their lives. My mother was a teacher, my girlfriend's mother was a teacher, as was her father, so should we say being/having a teacher in your family predisposes you to marry older? Makes about as much sense as some of the other drivel spouted here. Did this predispose me to seeking someone much older? No, I've learned it is more important that you are on the same page in what you can live with/without, and when you find the person you've been seeking from day one, age is just a number. I think one of the best responses to this dilemma is to ask the person how old they would be if they didn't know how old they were. As to why we can be so strongly attracted to someone of a big age difference, or even to one closer in age where often we are drawn back to each other over and over, maybe the poster who brought up past lives had a valid point. Sometimes when we are not open to opinions that differ from our own, it can be an indication we've stopped growing ourselves, at least IMO!
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 60
should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 12/19/2008 5:11:23 PM

I want same age or close to it, I want to grow old with someone...but thats just me....I really don't care what anyone else does.

Exactly. I have always maintained that I wanted someone to grow old with, not someone I had to watch grow old. In addition, I wanted someone from MY time-zone. My SO is younger, but at least we were in high school at the same time. He gets HAIRNATION on Sirius satellite radio, he knows who "The Unknown Comic" was, he was a virgin (as was I) when the first case of AIDS was diagnosed and HIV became a concern (unlike those of the free-loving 70s or the ultra-conversative 60s), it's a whole slew of things that had to fit for me. Likewise, someone in their mid-30s? I'd be nearly 50 and he'd be nearly 40 in 5 years. That is a HUGE difference in "time-zone" and I wouldn't want someone having to watch me grow old, I think that would be a terrible injustice to someone even 10 years younger than I am. But as stated above: I really don't care what anyone else does, either. JMO
 Gaddflye
Joined: 9/10/2008
Msg: 61
should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 12/23/2008 1:29:25 PM
I just checked my high school class website since a 50th reunion is being planned for 2010. The site showed a high resolution large photograph of the reunion committee, seven people from our class, five women and two men. The two men I knew well and they are easily recognizable. Three of the women I knew but I could only recognize one. The women were all quite obese. The men were a healthy weight. The women looked almost old enough to be the mothers of the men, no kidding. None of the women would even come close to turning up on my dating possibilities radar if I encountered them anywhere. Thanks, but no thanks to dating women my age. I am sticking with the suitably younger ones.
 Gaddflye
Joined: 9/10/2008
Msg: 62
should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 12/23/2008 8:46:40 PM
Hello Melo,

I understand and concur with much of what you say. You are 58 years old. I know a couple of 56 year old women whom I find attractive. They are both married and we are just friends, but they are quite attractive ladies by almost anyone's standards. By the way, both have immeasurably benefitted from the results of 30+ years of strict diet, regular exercise with qualified personal trainers, frequent beauty treatments, hair stylists and the finest plastic surgeons in Newport Beach as well as from wonderful genetics. A few attractive women in their mid fifties are out there, no doubt about it.

The five 65 year old women on the committee are not a large sample of the female populace of that age nor necessarily representative of that population at large although they may be said to be indicative of what it has to offer. All I can relate to is my personal experience and that is although I count several women near my age as friends I am not sexually attracted to any of them nor older women in general, but with a few exceptions. Evolutionary biology no doubt plays the star role in this regard and that is just the way it is.

When I am out and about and meet a woman I find attractive I do not think about her age at all. It just so happens almost all are a bit younger than I am, and are usually in their early thirties to their early forties. I not only am attracted to their looks. That is just part of it. I find them pleasant, cheerful and a whole lot of fun to be around.

Younger or older, some people are more physically attractive and others less so. A bell curve probably represents the "looks" distribution just as it does IQ, athletic ability and other factors.
 jonash2007
Joined: 7/11/2007
Msg: 63
should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 12/23/2008 10:29:00 PM
Dude, if you're dating a woman who is 22 or younger (you're 53), then both of you have issues...no matter how well you finish each other's sentences. It is kinda sick, actually. If you want to picture how sick, subtract 5 years from each of your ages....that would make you 48 and her 17.
 Cogie36
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 64
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should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 1/3/2009 1:46:50 PM
People say that love shouldnt have an age but......I honestly have to say.....I would not go out with someone 30 yrs older or younger then I am.......( younger would be against the law anyway at my age) and that is out of the question.....but anyway.... I also look at it from a parents point of view..and I would have a fit if one of my kids wanted to see someone 30 yrs older then they are also....you have to have common interests and with that much of a gap......there cant be all that many.....if shes only 23 shes got alot of living to do and eventually you arent gonna be able to keep up with her lifestyle.....and not to mention....you shouldnt even be thinking about it until you are divorced......
 parklabrea
Joined: 1/4/2009
Msg: 65
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should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 7/11/2009 9:59:33 PM
Personally, I consider a 46 yr. old to be a younger woman:) The only relationship I can imagine establishing with a woman 30 years younger than me is as a Mentor or a surrogate Uncle.
 Zephyr2553
Joined: 12/28/2008
Msg: 66
should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 7/11/2009 10:13:35 PM
Go ahead and bag her dude. You're headed that way anyways. You probably can't sleep at night for thinking about it.
Like two peas in a pod.....lol This is a time old scenario that plays out again and again. Just remember, when you are crippin around in your walker and sittin on your blowup donut, ready to sit in the recliner with a Bud Light complaining about how peppers cause the inferno acid reflux and shaving the hairs on your ears and pulling the gray hairs out of your nose, she'll just be reaching her prime and you really will be her dad.

Ever hear the song, 'Silver threads and golden needles"? I know you probably can't think past your little head right now, but down the road, she will look on you with disgust and will be out with the younger dudes.

Its a fact. The choice is up to you.
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