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 GoneSailinBabe
Joined: 7/6/2008
Msg: 13
Long Distance Relationship Heebie Jeebies...Is there hope?Page 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
LDR's are nearly impossible. You'd probably be far happier with a man in your vicinity. Good luck!
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 15
Long Distance Relationship Heebie Jeebies...Is there hope?
Posted: 10/7/2008 11:06:39 AM

I guess I'm going to have to try to find someone in my area - the 'whole weekend' dates are too much for me early on in a relationship. It's funny, the guys are always loathe to leave, while I'm just itching for them to get the heck home! :) I guess I have my answer... :( it's too bad, I like this one :)

Well, that spoke to me. I don't want people I've known for years and like in my house for more than 6 hours at a time, let alone some dude I just met. I'd tell him to get a hotel near me so it's not so in my face, and I hate the driving, and of course I don't want to spend a whole weekend at his place cause my life's too crazy for that, so I tend to avoid the long distance thing myself.

Granted if they are too close, that's a whole other set of issues, but at least you can go home in that case (or throw someone out and not be concerned with their tiredness or drive time).
 Lucky_dog
Joined: 9/22/2008
Msg: 16
Long Distance Relationship Heebie Jeebies...Is there hope?
Posted: 10/7/2008 11:36:26 AM
Seems to me that communication is the real culprit here. Phones are a great way to get to know each other a bit at a time. What is a date if not an opportunity to chat with someone and get a good feel for who they are and how they will react in diffeent situations.
2 hrs away is an obstical to just grabbing a pizza midweek on a whim, but hardly enough distance to force me to stay for an extended sleepover. I guess that 2hrs may seem like a long distance to some, but I see people e travel that far for high school wrestling meets, which may only last for an hour or two.

Frequent phone and email conversations and a halfway meeting point for picnics or activities, as dates would take the "sexual pressure" out of the equation, as each of you would have to drive home , or if you wanted to get a room, or even continue the evening at your place or his it would only be an hour away.

I read a forum the other day asking " what would you sacrifice for love" in relationship to long distance relationships. For Love I would sell my businesses ,my home and move anywhere in the country. For lust? I might travel 2 hrs..but then again, lust can be found at the local grocery store. For now it sounds like you need more communication and some time to let the relationship grow. Good Luck and best wishes
 ChocolateNutt
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 17
Long Distance Relationship Heebie Jeebies...Is there hope?
Posted: 10/7/2008 11:39:15 AM
For me, any type of long-distance relationship from dating to friendship is not something I am capable of forming right now. I work all week and have commitments on most weekends, so I would not and don't want to be driving to someone else's city. As well, it doesn't feel right to me to have a man staying in an hotel every weekend (or whatever amount of time he can spend in my city), and there's no way that I am comfortable having a man I don't know well staying in my home with me and my child.

I have friends and family I don't see often enough now let alone adding someone from another city to that list.

Long-distance relationships are just not feasible at this point in my life.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 18
Long Distance Relationship Heebie Jeebies...Is there hope?
Posted: 10/7/2008 12:14:55 PM
~OP~ First, it's no one's business who sleeps where. You laid out the situation very clear, no need for the portion to play into this scenerio. This clearly isn't working well for you. That doesn't mean it can't work. Two hours? Here in Idaho, that's a short jaunt. I've "dated" long distance of two hours quite a few times over the past almost 9 years. Many impromptu meetings, fun times, etc. You just have to be open to meet half-way sometimes, be open to the hazards of accidents/detours in plans while en-route, and cancelations when things crop up. I don't prefer those types of situations anymore, but for a very long time, it was my comfort zone. Now that my son is/has been a man for a long time, I'm not all that thrilled about distance, but since the dating pool here dried up and blew away loooooooooong ago, it was reality. There are all sorts of ways to "date" when distance is an issue, you just have to be inventive and use your imagination at times. Oh, and you need cell-to-cell and unlimited long distance when you deal with distances such as I do. Good luck OP, I hope you can find a way around this ~ it's awfully difficult to actually find someone you like enough to want to "date."
 tideliner
Joined: 8/23/2008
Msg: 19
Long Distance Relationship Heebie Jeebies...Is there hope?
Posted: 10/7/2008 12:16:36 PM
Yes, there is hope. Unfortunately the fact you weren't a little more assertive in the beginning makes this risky .. . BUT, tell him to get a hotel room. If you feel uncomfortable with sleepovers he shouldn't mind.

I like travelling, I travel a lot whether there's a lady waiting on the other end or not, often it's a business meeting, a fishing tournament, etc. so I have worked in a lot (well, several) long distance dates which turned out well and lasted some time. You have to treat them as a lark, an adventure, to begin with. Oh, and I ALWAYS get a hotel room. If we hit it off very well, very quickly, she can stay with me if she likes. No pressure. I cannot remember a LDR that I have not enjoyed a lot, and simply because none have "gone the distance" (marriage), doesn't indict them in my view. Because neither has any local relationship.

I hope you can explain this to the guy in a way that doesn't hurt his feeling, like I say, the timing is off, and that he can afford a room. I would have ZERO problem with it UNLESS I felt that you wanted to withdraw from the relationship and end it.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 22
Long Distance Relationship Heebie Jeebies...Is there hope?
Posted: 10/7/2008 3:41:49 PM
Pers, you are a lot like me. Once you are comfortable with yourself and can be alone (for some it's due to depending on others too much and it backfiring, for some it's just their personality), you enjoy and actually begin to relish your free time when you have it. It doesn't make you broken, it makes you self sufficient (emotionally, anyway) and that's never a bad thing.

Also, over time you learn that changing your routine and dropping everything isn't always a good idea. I recently met someone I like too, but at this point in my life although you get the urge to stop your life and investigate someone and spend a ton of time with them, you also know you have stuff to do - and as you get older you do more you like to do and less what you have to do (or you make what you have to do your own, plus you know when you let shit go it piles up later, so you're not as quick to avoid it).

It's interesting the amount of people that are trying to figure out why I don't spend 5 straight days with someone I like who likes me just as much. Instead of being ok with it, they project what they would do onto me, they try to analyze it as abnormal, instead of realizing that when I really like someone, it's all the more better for me to pace myself and get to know them than jump in head first only to freak and run when I feel overwhelmed or find out I ignored stuff I should have paid attention to. I've had people argue with me and tell me I can't really like a guy if I act like that. WTF? Cracks me up.

Wanting to be with a new person and also wanting to maintain your life because you enjoy it makes you healthy, not broken. It tends to make others uncomfortable because they aren't as happy being on their own or enjoying their own company. You threaten that, because you are proof that there are people out there that don't need others to survive, and that's the ultimate affront to people who do. Don't take it personally. You've been thru some stuff and you know what you like. Don't let others make you second guess yourself.

P.S. to add for messages after this one - whatever YOU feel comfortable with is what's best. If driving over 30 minutes isn't what you want to do, that's YOUR personal preference. If someone else likes to drive farther, that's THEIR choice....we're all different. Don't let someone tell you that what works for them should be ok for you as well.
 Alabamamam
Joined: 4/8/2008
Msg: 23
Long Distance Relationship Heebie Jeebies...Is there hope?
Posted: 10/7/2008 3:51:18 PM
OP, for me solutions are not to diffucult to find in your situation. First, 2 hours away is not really LDR at all. It is within reasonable driving distance. I have been in relationship with a fella who was 2. 5 hours away.
You basically can schedule dates on a weekedn or whenever you are both off that do not start to late. You talk, you do stuff, have a lunch, dinner and then you drive home. Or he does. You can always indicate that you have things planned later that night.
Or if you choose to spend a night together you may have somthing to do by noon next day. And in case he shows up or you do close to dinner time next day close to noon one party has to leave.
 robfish
Joined: 11/14/2006
Msg: 24
Long Distance Relationship Heebie Jeebies...Is there hope?
Posted: 10/7/2008 4:06:24 PM
^^^ I agree.....at least he doesn't live in another country. Long distance relationships can work IF both people are excited about spending time together. Maybe you should just tell him how you feel and that the "sleepovers" make you uncomfortable. Don't be afraid to be open about it, maybe you could come up with a different arrangement.....eg- meeting halfway for a date?
 bewitchingall1
Joined: 7/27/2008
Msg: 25
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Long Distance Relationship Heebie Jeebies...Is there hope?
Posted: 10/7/2008 4:17:33 PM
Ok...to start when you said long distance I thought you were speaking different states...not 2 hrs appart. PLEASE...if he is intersted enough 2hrs isn't that far to drive for a date that don't require him sleeping at your place. Even 5 hours isn't that bad...they can get a motel room! I repeat THEY can get a motel room. If a person wants to meet you let them make the arrangements for their stay. Now if we are talking about a relationship ...(NOT JUST DATING)..someone exclusive then you can discuss sleeping arrangements other than a hotel/motel. But still 2 hours...OMGS there is no reason this dude needs to be sleeping up under your roof unless you want him there. Long distance relationships require special nurturing and needs. For all those that think it can't be done...tell that to all the military spouses seperated from thier significant others due to war...even the old timers will tell of their blossoming love affairs with the pen pal that wrote and sent pics. So many turned into long lasting marriages. The reason?....simple... Trust and value of human compassion.
Nuff Said!
 davidsauvignon
Joined: 2/6/2008
Msg: 26
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Long Distance Relationship Heebie Jeebies...Is there hope?
Posted: 10/7/2008 4:42:35 PM
Not much to add.....been there, done that. Married her. OP, you will figure out soon enough if it/he is worth putting in all that it takes.....or not.

I just wanted to say Heebie Jeebie....gonna have to go look up that origin. Good luck OP!




~ds~
 hapeenurse
Joined: 5/5/2006
Msg: 27
Long Distance Relationship Heebie Jeebies...Is there hope?
Posted: 10/7/2008 4:47:58 PM
just wondering *why* someone who lives 2 hours away has to make a weekend out of it? I mean it's not a huge deal to each drive one hour is it?

you seem to really like this one , I just want it to work fer ya!

 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 28
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Long Distance Relationship Heebie Jeebies...Is there hope?
Posted: 10/7/2008 5:48:24 PM
I feel the same way, LDRs are not for me. For the first few months a couple of hours a week seeing a new person is enough for me. I have my own life and I love my space too. I hate to feel obligated to ask someone to sleep over when I barely know them.
When I was in college my BF lived 90 minutes away and drove down every Friday and Saturday. My parents always invited him to stay but he had to work and study so it was not always an option and the guest room was absolutely where he spent the night. So my attitude is if he was willing to do it, so can another guy. If he does not want to drive home the next day then tell him you have other plans. One night is not unreasonable but the entire weekend???
I would stop accepting emails from men more than 25 miles or so away, it really is pointless when you have a home or job you love and have no intention on ever moving.
 prof48
Joined: 3/17/2005
Msg: 29
Long Distance Relationship Heebie Jeebies...Is there hope?
Posted: 10/7/2008 6:18:38 PM
It doesn't sound to me like its the long distance thats the problem, its the togetherness that is the problem. He's a fellow you would like to date, but wouldn't want to live with. At least that is what I hear. I think your too vested to see it yet, but that would come with time. There's nothing wrong with "no sex" if your not ready for it, but I'm hearing that you don't have the openess to talk about such things and if your "feeling its expected" and having guilt trips that will rapidly move on to resentment and hostility. Thats just not the way its supposed to be. I've had long distance relationships including one year in my marriage that my ex has described as the best year of the relationship where she was in California and I and our daughter in New Jersey. We didn't break up until that time was long over. I would argue that your problem, like it or not, is with the relationship, not the long distance.
 MetalVixxn
Joined: 4/4/2007
Msg: 33
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Long Distance Relationship Heebie Jeebies...Is there hope?
Posted: 10/7/2008 8:40:05 PM
2 hours? I don't see why you both can't drive an hour and meet in the middle.
I don't have much more advice for you because two hours isn't bad - it's not long distance and since you say you really like him... meet him halfway!
 ChocolateNutt
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 34
Long Distance Relationship Heebie Jeebies...Is there hope?
Posted: 10/7/2008 9:10:35 PM

I don't have much more advice for you because two hours isn't bad - it's not long distance and since you say you really like him


I think two hours is long-distance. I wouldn't form a relationship with someone an hour from my city.

Nutt
 davidsauvignon
Joined: 2/6/2008
Msg: 41
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Long Distance Relationship Heebie Jeebies...Is there hope?
Posted: 10/8/2008 7:14:32 AM

^^^ Honesty and communication are very important in a relationship.

And along with trust, are imperative with an LDR. Won't succeed without them. IMO.





~ds~
 prof48
Joined: 3/17/2005
Msg: 42
Long Distance Relationship Heebie Jeebies...Is there hope?
Posted: 10/8/2008 10:04:17 AM

I think two hours is long-distance. I wouldn't form a relationship with someone an hour from my city.

Thats fine if you live in LA where it takes an hour to leave the city, or NY or Tokyo or Mexico City, but in most places limiting yourself to only an hour away means your limited to your ex boyfriend/girlfriend from high school or your best friend's ex. A new person could only be whoever recently got hired by the farm bureau or the Park service. You don't need the internet to meet them. When I taught in Montana, the closest community of more than 10,000 people was 2.5 hours drive away. Its where you went shopping once a month. The only new people in the community were border patrol and new faculty hires.
 ChocolateNutt
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 44
Long Distance Relationship Heebie Jeebies...Is there hope?
Posted: 10/8/2008 6:49:10 PM

but in most places limiting yourself to only an hour away means your limited to your ex boyfriend/girlfriend from high school or your


Well it sucks to be you.

I live in a small city of approx 233 000 people, and I don't choose to travel for romance. I have a child who lives with me every day all year with the exception of about two weeks she spends with her grandparents. I am not dragging her to another city and leaving her, well I don't know where you think I could leave her, while I go out on dates, and nor do I intend to be in a position where some man might think he can stay in our home. It's not possible at this point in my life to travel and that's the way it is.

As a matter of fact, I did live in rural until 5 years ago. I didn't meet anyone there who was appealing and so I didn't date--for the same reasons as above.

When you're a responsible parent, you just don't get to do everything that appeals to you.

Nutt
 countrymanisgentle
Joined: 1/15/2008
Msg: 46
Long Distance Relationship Heebie Jeebies...Is there hope?
Posted: 10/9/2008 5:22:18 AM
As some have stated, if the two parties are xxx miles apart, why can't they meet in the middle, a location between them, and alternate this with going to each others dwellings every so often?

This wouldn't work with one I was communicating with last night, because she refused to drive, put forth ANY EFFORT, so she said, in all of her LDR's. The reason she gave me? She said: "they have to come TO ME, because I am worth it"! Obviously, as she told me, she is NOT WITH any of them any longer.

Each MUST BE WILLING to make and put forth the equal effort and the WANT TO in order for it to work out, just the same as if they lived 5 minutes apart from each other.

One more thought on these LDR heebie jeebies, as this thread is titled. Don't know about any of your areas, personally, but if so many females in MY city and area would stop insisting on wanting/dating/searching ONLY FOR a wealthy business playboy, and consider an "average nice guy" for once, very few, if any, of us here would be doing LDR's, having to broaden our search areas to 1, 2, or 3 hours driving distance away, or having to consider the pro's and con's of it's scope. Just my opinion.
 ImAHotMess
Joined: 7/11/2008
Msg: 47
Long Distance Relationship Heebie Jeebies...Is there hope?
Posted: 10/9/2008 6:12:33 AM
For me, I say keep it local. A number of reasons, the main one I see hit me hard was when you say;

" I wish he lived in my city or I lived where he does - I could just call him up and do something, and we could. It wouldn't be so 'formal' and planned and so much nerve wracking hype."

And this is how I feel. I want to be able to see my guy whenever, not always having to plan, or do the spontanious stuff, even if he calls me and says to come over and do nothing. Not to mention, being apart from someone all we tend to see is the fun side, not the day to day reality of who someone is. 5 hours is not horrible....maybe keep seeing one another and someone decide to make a move later? I know it is not for me again, depends how well you think you know the guy. I met and moved out of state for some jerk once, and let me tell you, it was totally different. however, I failed to see red flags when there were plenty. I wish you luck...let us know how it goes..:)
 davidsauvignon
Joined: 2/6/2008
Msg: 48
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Long Distance Relationship Heebie Jeebies...Is there hope?
Posted: 10/9/2008 6:42:45 AM
auburndiva, I know EXACTLY what you mean. However for me, I actually did see some of the red flags and ignored them anyway. An important thing you stated which is key for the couple to bear in mind, is......


being apart from someone all we tend to see is the fun side, not the day to day reality of who someone is


Therefore, the time to really get to know them is spread out waaaay longer.....it can be kind of tricky.....you love (or lust) them (or the idea of them) and want to be closer so as to be able to spend as much time together as possible, so you don't see the warning signs or ignore them because you are now on a mission....a mission of the heart, rather than the head.





~ds~
 ImAHotMess
Joined: 7/11/2008
Msg: 49
Long Distance Relationship Heebie Jeebies...Is there hope?
Posted: 10/9/2008 8:30:01 AM
David, you are right. And in my own opinion it is not possible to get to know someone long distance. There are so many things that play into getting to know someone. I thought with my heart, and looking back I saw red flags but inside made excuses for the guy thinking "no, he can't be lying." And, I did not really move there with a 100% good feeling. It was bizarre....actually. Maybe we just as humas hope for the best. This next time, it really has to be with someone who is close, and that way we can at least see one another. I am not looking for perfection, mainly compatibality and enough in common to be able to have fun. A friend as well as a lover.
 bewitchingall1
Joined: 7/27/2008
Msg: 51
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Long Distance Relationship Heebie Jeebies...Is there hope?
Posted: 10/12/2008 1:44:16 PM
Long Distance isn't for everyone because you have to have a tremendous amount of trust in one another. If you have met in person and spent time together where is the problem. You obviously know and trust the person enough to want to continue seeing them. Would you be willing to give up a person you have been with for 1yr because their job relocates them? If you met through the internet and live a long distance from one another why bother to carry on as hoping for a relationship when you are not willing to deal with the distance? You obviously have found something pretty substancial in the person to want a relationship so why not explore it. If it turns out that you are good with each other and things blossom into more than discuss relocation possibilities. There are always chances that it won't work but is it worth giving up the chance that it might?
 56Ken
Joined: 10/21/2008
Msg: 54
Long Distance Relationship Heebie Jeebies...Is there hope?
Posted: 11/1/2008 5:03:15 PM
Ah...the 'long distance relationship'.....I live in a place where there are less than 50,000 people within a 100 miles of me.....the nearest grocery store is 65 kms (40 miles) away....if I were in a major center maybe I would avoid that kind of relationship from the start....but alas....I have no choice but to accept it as the norm....I probably wouldn't even be on PoF if circumstances were different and there were a chance to meet people in my own location....for all those people who are trying to accept that kind of relationship...GOOD FOR YOU!!!....rural people will probably agree with me...for those who live in a major center and are having doubts about seeing someone who lives hours away....you may be missing out.....I guess it just depends on what your needs and expectations are....good luck to everyone who at least makes the attempt..
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