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 AUTHOR
 Ideoform
Joined: 9/23/2007
Msg: 56
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Hurtful Name Calling. Page 3 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
Its the name-calling that is wrong...not the reason the person chooses to use as an excuse to put you down. It could be anything about you. If you loose the weight, chances are he will be even more insecure and the verbal abuse will escalate.

Its just bullying. Bullies pick on whatever they sense person is embarassed about. Bullies will separate you from your friends and family. Don't let that happen. There is saftey in numbers. The more people that care about you and can check on you and your saftey, the better. Don't let him tell you otherwise. Don't let him bully your friends, either, or chase them away, or come between you with lies and exaggerations.

Verbal abuse always gets worse. And it can escalate to hitting. It is insidious. It sneaks up on you.

If you are only staying with him because you believe his abusive name-calling, then you have very little reason to stay for very long and he knows this. So he will be keeping this up and even getting worse just to keep you. He is not getting any younger....he's insecure. No amount of reassurance from you will help him because he isn't listening to you anyway.

When you ask someone who is out-of-control to get more in control, he can't. Why? Because he is already out of control. When he is able to control himself that is the time to ask for change. If he can't stop using the bullying with you, then all the pleading in the world on your part won't magically give him more control over his verbal abuse. Its not about you. If he is overweight, then he's projecting HIS issues onto you. Is this his idea of motivating you to loose weight??? If this shaming, belittling, punishing method works so great, then why isn't it working on him?

He hasn't got good control of his behavior. Is he still addicted himself? If so, he is likely to not be able to control things even if he wants to. Even if he loves you, even if you ask him to be more in control of himself. The only control either of you have at this point is yours. You control the consequences of his behavior. Stop rewarding his immature lack of self-control with your attention and emotion. The more you respond to it the more he will do it to get a response from you. If he knew what to do better and could trust it to work with you, he would do it, but he doesn't know better, and doesn't trust it to work with you.

You don't trust him because he disrespects you, and he doesn't trust you--not a good sign of a relationship that will last anyway--no matter what you do.

It can be nice to get this much attention from a man. All the drama can feed your ego. If you work on yourself--however you decide to do it--you can get attention from other people, other activities, to balance it out. Don't rely on him for everything. Even if he says you must. Go out with (sober) friends. Spend some time with your family. Do some volunteer work.

Breaking up with someone like this can be dangerous. Go to a shelter and get some ideas for how to do this safely. Have a plan. Tell a friend or two that you can trust what you are planning and when you are planning to do it. Don't tell him. Have a back-up plan. Abuse gets the worst just after a break-up. And it can get dangerous.

Stay safe.
 MetalVixxn
Joined: 4/4/2007
Msg: 58
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Hurtful Name Calling.
Posted: 10/9/2008 4:06:26 PM
I think he's doing it so you think no one else will want you and you stay with him.
He sounds like an a$$ and I would run far far away~

Please do not listen to that FreeTime guy. He is obviously just as bad as your boyfriend. He knows he could never have a girl as young and beautiful as you. They do it to make themselves feel better.
People should look in the mirror before they start throwing stones.

EDIT:
OP I just saw this in a recent post of yours... one that you posted AFTER you started this thread.

I am happy to say I have found someone who is PROUD to call me their girlfriend.

This CAN'T be the same guy !?!?!?! Don't kid yourself.
 TheyCallMeMrAwesome
Joined: 7/27/2008
Msg: 59
Hurtful Name Calling.
Posted: 10/9/2008 4:12:25 PM
he is obviously way too much of a child too be using such middle school attacks, you aren't dating a 40 year old ma hon, your dating a middle schooler in a 40 year olds body, kick his ass to the curb, find someone closer to your age, within 10 years of it or so, and date someone from your own generation, he is old enough to be your damn father!!!
 kellygrl51
Joined: 9/21/2008
Msg: 60
Hurtful Name Calling.
Posted: 10/9/2008 4:17:46 PM
He's insecure and he's trying to control you by making you feel bad about yourself.
Get rid of him, you found yourself a loser....
 Discerning Virtuosa
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 65
Hurtful Name Calling.
Posted: 10/9/2008 5:50:12 PM
freetime2bme Getting fat? Excuse me? I have LOST six pounds since we have been dating. I eat better than ever and I WORK OUT.. did I mention he is the FAT ONE?

OP - You don't have to explain yourself to him. What pleases him is not important and this thread is not about what he thinks a woman should be.

Also what pleases your BF is not important. Let him date some stick anorexic with vomit on her breath, rotting teeth, and thinning hair that dresses like a nun and is frigid because she thinks she's too fat to let him see her naked. How you dress and want to look is your choice. If he doesn't like it, he shouldn't be dating you.
 namrael
Joined: 8/10/2008
Msg: 67
Hurtful Name Calling.
Posted: 10/9/2008 7:41:25 PM
Why would you stay with someone who tears you down? Aren't you worth more than that?
 MajorThomas
Joined: 2/10/2008
Msg: 68
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Hurtful Name Calling.
Posted: 10/10/2008 1:53:37 PM
So did he help you become a better person?

My last GF had some major issues I had to sort out for her in addition I had to help her out with basic things like how to live healthy.

Never remember putting her down, though she said I was a little bit tough on some things like going to the gym with me.

If hes being an ass, even if its to try to help you out, it still isn't worth it.
 DreamDancer44
Joined: 2/19/2008
Msg: 74
Hurtful Name Calling.
Posted: 10/12/2008 1:02:28 AM

My boyfriend is a big kid at heart. He is a 40 year old man but is very childish.

This is a big reason why you see some guys go for much younger girls. They're too immature for women their own age. Some guys and girls will disagree but being the one on the outside looking in on many of these relationships, knowing both the guy my age going out with a young girl and girls my age going out with much older guys. They ALL have this in common.


He will say things like "your fat and ugly." "you are dressed like a whore" mean while I will be wearing a sweater. I used to be very over weight so him calling me fat really hurts my feelings. I have told him how I felt and he doesn't take me seriously. My question is, is he doing it to hurt my feelings? And is it so I never leave him?


This is another thing I've seen. Since he is older he feels more in power of you.
Get rid of him and fast. Possibly even seek come counseling. You're in an abusive relationship, a lot of us have been there. Counseling will benefit you and help you get through any damage his abuse may have done as well as help you feel more confident going into a new relationship, when ready. It is honestly best to stick to guys closer to your age. Definitely much closer then twenty years older.

You're a beautiful girl with a great body many women wish they had. Things like this tend to happen to some of the best people. Be strong and get away from him. You deserves so much better.
 digitalfever
Joined: 2/6/2008
Msg: 77
Hurtful Name Calling.
Posted: 10/12/2008 3:33:51 PM
For lack of better words: He's an ass. Ditch him.
 haywiresue
Joined: 9/27/2006
Msg: 78
Hurtful Name Calling.
Posted: 10/12/2008 11:14:25 PM
OP a man who loves you will not make you feel bad about yourself, make you cry or feel insecure.

I think this man you are dating, is a bully and needs to be kicked to the curb, because you deserve better. I would not put up with his crap, and that line about him being a big kid at heart will just not cut it.

I think he is more than childish, he is rude and insulting. Just remember that many battered women become that way, becuase they let their men get away with verbal abuse and then it intensifies.

People treat us how we let them - its time for you to change and not allow this to go on. If he will not change - you change................boyfriends and let this man become someone elses problelm.
 _jay_see_
Joined: 11/24/2007
Msg: 79
Hurtful Name Calling.
Posted: 10/12/2008 11:46:31 PM
My boyfriend is a big kid at heart. He is a 40 year old man but is very childish. He often calls me names and makes me feel very insecure. He will say things like "your fat and ugly." "you are dressed like a whore" mean while I will be wearing a sweater.

I disagree with you about your boyfriend being a "big kid". I think that, since he's managed to strongly attract a beautiful woman like yourself, he must be quite mature and intelligent.

So assuming you're enjoying the thrill of this kind of relationship, I'd say stay with him.

Personally this post confirms a few things I've come to believe about women.

A) Women don't care about a guy's looks or youth
B) Woman go for guys with social power (in this case, he's confident enough to insult you, which is just one of several ways he displays power)
C) Following all the rules, being the "nice guy", picking up the pieces, etc is for chumps. If you want a hot girlfriend (like OP) don't be nice.
 randomguyinaz
Joined: 3/12/2009
Msg: 80
Hurtful Name Calling.
Posted: 8/21/2009 3:05:48 AM
Dump the jackass you don't have to take this crap. If you continue to take it he will never change as a person. I am guessing you are not the only person he treats like crap. He probably treats coworkers, people off the street, etc... like crap.
 ghostrider73a7x
Joined: 7/27/2009
Msg: 81
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Hurtful Name Calling.
Posted: 8/21/2009 11:16:46 AM
It is very sad when it comes to dating,relationships,&marriage,the "Golden Rule"is forgotten.I will never stoop that low to treat a woman like crap by calling her names just to get her to love me & stay with me.That is whats wrong with people today.
 REDDRAGON.
Joined: 10/9/2008
Msg: 91
Hurtful Name Calling.
Posted: 8/26/2009 6:47:53 PM
Its been almost a year sense the origonal post. I hope this chic got the hell out....



and scraped what was left of her self esteem out of the dumpster.....................

 tbuddha
Joined: 2/28/2005
Msg: 92
Hurtful Name Calling.
Posted: 8/26/2009 6:50:23 PM
Seems to be working - you're still with him. Sounds like you have some self esteem issues.
 Lucky11111
Joined: 2/16/2008
Msg: 95
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Hurtful Name Calling.
Posted: 8/28/2009 11:34:33 PM
Stratoman :
~~~~~~~~

You wrote :

The "Hottie" you should be looking for is someone who cares about you more than he does himself. Someone who needs you as badly as you need him. Someone who loves you and cherishes you. Someone who will stand by your side, not in front of you or behind you but, right there with you. When you do find a man who is worthy of you, he will lift you up, he will remind you of how great you are when you sometimes forget. He will be strength for you at your weakest moments and you will be his inspiration.


~~~ Thank you, thank you, thank you.
EVERY woman needs to print out this quote (just as I have done) and put it on their mirror so they read it every day.

That is the best advice I have EVER read on here.
You rock!!!!!

 crystalspirit
Joined: 8/14/2009
Msg: 96
Hurtful Name Calling.
Posted: 8/29/2009 1:58:58 AM
Gambling with your self esteem is nothing to mess with. Leave him before the physical abuse starts and you're too beaten down to think you can leave.
 CrumblePie
Joined: 1/11/2009
Msg: 97
Hurtful Name Calling.
Posted: 8/29/2009 2:34:57 AM
I would have to hear how he says it, and how you respond to give any kind of valid opinion on whats happening.

I think it's chep blow to repeat what he's saying on here, cheap to yourself and to him, no one knows how he;s saying it, why he's saying, or what's happening, we see words like that and jump to the worst case scinario.

You should trust yourself, and tell him what you're feeling. talk to him and see if you can work on things, if you cant work on things, well you don;t have much of a relationship.... do you/?
 Discerning Virtuosa
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 98
Hurtful Name Calling.
Posted: 8/29/2009 8:27:51 AM
I think it's chep blow to repeat what he's saying on here, cheap to yourself and to him, no one knows how he;s saying it, why he's saying, or what's happening, we see words like that and jump to the worst case scinario.


Why? Should she keep the way he treats and talks to a woman, a secret?


You should trust yourself, and tell him what you're feeling. talk to him and see if you can work on things, if you cant work on things, well you don;t have much of a relationship.... do you/?


The guy is most likely not into deep and meaningful conversation. Women get blinded by love. Sometimes they come here not necessarily for advice - they already know the answer, but the feedback here is just the "push" they need to get away from a loser.
 BLoNde__ANgeL
Joined: 9/20/2011
Msg: 99
Hurtful Name Calling.
Posted: 11/25/2011 4:46:23 PM

When a person you are with calls you names, hurtful names, it is 9 times out of 10 due to their OWN insecurities. They often do it subconsciously. They feel bad so try to bring you down to feel bad too.


I do not think this accomplishes anything, it's one thing to disagree, it's quite another to get
 mdgs
Joined: 11/17/2011
Msg: 100
Hurtful Name Calling.
Posted: 11/25/2011 4:52:48 PM
Leave him. Don't make excuses for him (a big kid at heart--WTH?).

You deserve much much much better.
 want to travel
Joined: 7/29/2006
Msg: 101
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Hurtful Name Calling.
Posted: 11/26/2011 9:26:18 AM
Let me start by saying, YOU ARE REALLY HOT!!!!!
and your boyfriend is a fool, and busive for calling you and treating you so badly that it is bringing your sel esteem down
leave him, he has serious issues with women, you have issues with picking the wrong man
good luck
 PittsburghVixen
Joined: 6/27/2009
Msg: 102
Hurtful Name Calling.
Posted: 11/26/2011 8:44:43 PM
I would hope that over three years later, she ditched the SOB...

Who resurrected this thread from the dead?!
 Juslookin01182
Joined: 11/18/2011
Msg: 103
Hurtful Name Calling.
Posted: 11/26/2011 10:12:27 PM
Probably married him
 BLoNde__ANgeL
Joined: 9/20/2011
Msg: 104
Hurtful Name Calling.
Posted: 11/27/2011 6:38:06 AM
I resurrected it as we are not supposed to do a redundant thread when there is a topic we want to discuss...bla bla bla

I am really really trying to not do name calling from this day forward...it is hurtful. I believe in a creator & he/she does nto want us to be this way, rather to take care of eachother. I should not let any past hurts color my current & future interactions
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