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Joined: 9/2/2008
Msg: 4
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MotivesPage 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
i would say that it does not have to do with need or lack of. It has to do with the emotiobnal scarring of past hurt. Each time we get hurt we add a few bricks to the wall. A happily married woman who is now a widow, would probably be more open than a woman who has had a couple of divorces and relationships that ended badly. JMO
Joined: 8/29/2007
Msg: 5
Posted: 10/13/2008 3:05:39 PM
I'm not guarded by anything.
I know who I am and I know who I want to meet...or have any relationship.If I want easy come...easy go...I can have it!

Anyway...why to be so negative from the start and afraid?
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 6
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Posted: 10/13/2008 9:06:47 PM
Asking permission from another to do what I do naturally doesn't work for me.
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 7
Posted: 10/14/2008 12:13:17 PM
People who are *worried* about security ARE worried about security. And actually believe there is something that can be quantified as security. They're afraid, and don't step easily into the future, which, by its nature is ALWAYS an unknown. They tend to lose most of their lives worrying about what might happen. Pity.

Joined: 8/10/2004
Msg: 8
Posted: 10/14/2008 12:19:57 PM
No one is getting my - jar of change.

No matter how cute she is.

I don't even tell anyone that I have it ........

 Sirens Call
Joined: 7/29/2007
Msg: 10
Posted: 10/14/2008 12:36:26 PM
When attracted to someone, I'm as likely as not to let them take the lead on the pace of the relationship. I've been surprised more than once when a man will metaphorically "chomp at the bit" to get heavy into a relationship, then just as quickly retreat into his Man Cave.

It's best to leave them there until they decide what they want. Maybe I'll be there, maybe I won't.
 The Magician
Joined: 6/11/2006
Msg: 14
Posted: 10/14/2008 3:41:17 PM

People who are *worried* about security ARE worried about security. And actually believe there is something that can be quantified as security. They're afraid, and don't step easily into the future, which, by its nature is ALWAYS an unknown. They tend to lose most of their lives worrying about what might happen. Pity.

I have to agree with Ms. Wooby. I have had some relationships that drained me financially, and have still not recovered. I don't care! The adventure and the life experiences I enjoyed throughout these relationships is wealth enough. If you believe that security is your goal in life, you have reason enough to guard your heart along with your pocketbook. It's up to you to blend your future love and your retirement into one small package, if you dare. Otherwise, choose one over the other, and live with your decision.
 The Magician
Joined: 6/11/2006
Msg: 17
Posted: 10/14/2008 6:29:07 PM

Sorry, I don't take kindly to those who are in relationships and they rub it in our faces.

It's just not nice. In a soup kitchen you don't talk about the Persian carpets you own. In a ward with amputees you don't talk about the 60K walk. In a cell of people on death row you don't say how your doctor gave you another 20 years to live.

You get my point.

Sorry, Andrew, but I don't get your point here. Is someone rubbing a relationship in our faces?
Joined: 12/20/2008
Msg: 21
Posted: 1/17/2009 4:29:01 AM
I think the game of cohabitation is one that we are taught over and over as being the only game in town. Anyone with other ideas is ignored and thereby silenced by most major media.

So for most people, they have never thought about the options too much. When they do, the defenses built by the social conditioning that they have experienced gives these ideas little space for consideration in their minds.

Now as we mature, the model of relationships we are trying to live out has failed us over and over, in all kinds of ways, else we would not be here on this site.

What can sometimes happen is that people can find a style of relationship that works better for them. It may be true that we can be more satisfied on our own now that we are older, but that is not the reason for relationship avoidance. We just have to find our own style.
Joined: 12/25/2008
Msg: 22
Posted: 1/17/2009 5:48:52 AM
This is an intersting thread! I've been contemplating this very issue.

I'm noticing that men that I chat with who are widowers are not in as much of a hurry to move on. I get the impression that they had a good woman and are not eager to replace her. Maybe still grieving. I don't think they are guarded because they were burned as they talk about fond memories. I think they will recognize it when they feel that this may be the "right one"

My situation is different. I'm too trusting. I've been burned so many times I bear the scortch marks. I've lost everything in the past too. I notice that I (and other men who fit in my catgegory) are more sensitive and can take things wrong quickly. That leads to having to back up and sort things out...or it leads to one or the other bowing out. Ahhh, one or the other could point the finger and say "see....I always get burned"

I'll keep trying to take down the walls as fast as I can build them. I believe we are social creatures and so the urge to merge our lifes is there. Hey, it's good practice for when the "right one" does come along.
Back to lurking
Joined: 5/20/2008
Msg: 23
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Posted: 1/17/2009 6:17:35 AM
I have been horrified upon listening to, reading, or witnessing tales of financial ruin that ensues after divorce.

Am I more guarded now than I used to be given I have much more to lose? Not really.

I have made very few mistakes in life in which the consequences negatively affected me long-term. It comes down to being self-aware enough to know when your heart may be leading you down a path on which your head would never take you.

I have confidence in my ability to see people for who they really are. It's not one or two or three traits or actions that define a person, but if you spend enough time with someone and you maintain your objectivity, you eventually get a feel for whether a person is someone you can trust to be fair in the event that a divorce takes place.
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 24
Posted: 1/17/2009 6:34:11 AM
I personally have questioned myself on this one. Not that I "lost" a whole lot of "stuff or whatever" when the ex and I split. It had more to do with the emotional end of it. I didn't think I was capable of "giving" anymore of myself to anyone, I guess in part of the fear that the "giving" would have an end result for me as a negative.

It took someone (quite younger I met add) about a year ago to remind me that I have always been "giving" thru my work, my personality, and the things I was doing for others. Even thou I fought the advances of this person, her attitude and the way she pointed out that there was nothing wrong with along with my "giving" that I could actually have some positive experinces along the way,,,,as in "fun".

Somewhere along this short relationship, this young lady taught me quite a few things that I knew at one time,,,but I had forgotten along the way over the years. We are only here for so long, and if you keep worrying or thinking too much (one of my problems that I am trying to lessen at least a bit) about what "could" happen,,,then really nothing,,,good or bad will EVER happen.

She still gives me a call every so often, giving me a verbal boot in the bum, and always put a smile on my face with her innocent "view" of things. Something quite a few of us have lost touch of over the years, and I am starting to think,,maybe not always for the good.
Joined: 9/10/2008
Msg: 25
Posted: 1/17/2009 6:56:44 AM
A man cannot be too cautious in these matters. Remarrying late in life is like walking through a financial minefield. Only 30% of second marriages make it; 20% of third. Who wants to bet the farm against those odds given the likely financial losses at stake?
Joined: 3/8/2008
Msg: 26
Posted: 1/17/2009 8:47:33 AM
The same caution applies to women. That doesn't mean I'm going to remove myself from the opportunity to live the life I want. Proceed with caution, but still proceed......
Joined: 11/26/2008
Msg: 29
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Posted: 1/17/2009 9:56:32 AM
Oh! I am so there!

My first husband almost destroyed me emotionally. I was young and trusting and really didn't believe that someone could just walk away from a wife and child so easily! It took me two years to just get to the point where I could feel anything!

Took me twelve years to find someone I wanted to marry again, and he almost destroyed me financially!

So now that I've proven twice that I'm really bad at picking husbands, I am pretty much committed to not making that leap again!

Would I like to find that person who can make me feel that safe and secure that I would contemplate making that walk down the aisle? Well, probably.

Do I really believe that such a person exists? Not really!

Is that pathetic? Or just realistic? I don't know. I know that I believe in love, God, and many other things that realistically don't make a whole lot of sense!
Joined: 8/21/2007
Msg: 30
Posted: 1/17/2009 10:10:56 AM
"I think the game of cohabitation is one that we are taught over and over as being the only game in town. Anyone with other ideas is ignored and thereby silenced by most major media."

I can relate. In the past my efforts at maintaining my own place of residence were ignored as if I really meant I was looking to move in with the guy I was seeing. Frustrating to not have my words heard but someone elses projections or hang ups are heard instead. Sometimes it really is just easier to live alone. For real. I know I'm flexible enough to accomodate living with someone else but he will have to be that one in a million to make those compromises for.
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 31
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Posted: 1/17/2009 11:17:13 AM
i am fortunate, but also made wise decisions, about financial security. the other day, i got really fearful about what has happened to my retirement plan and finally looked again. i had lost 15 percent whereas others have lost 40 percent. i had put a lot of time and money into my investing and although i had lost, it was relatively not as bad as what others have been saying.

when i was much younger i put my disablity plan as a priority and paid dearly for it. never did i really think i would need it and then whala, it was supporting my ex, my three kids and me.

when it comes to finances, i think very clearly and am not paranoid about losing my money because i watch over it and am a fair minded person. i share things that i have with others and i believe that is why i have been entrusted with it. i worked a good 80 hour week for years and years doing what i loved doing, so i have no guilt about my post lymes stuff and i still managed to fost/adopt three teens back when i was having a hard physical time even walking!

now i walk, but i cannot run or hike heavily. sometimes when i get tired, i wobble, so i pretend i am dancing and then i can "fake it". kind of like those people who cannot talk but can sing! so grateful, am i, for different brain centers to draw upon.

most of the men i meet are way younger or very physically active. they appear to be interested in me sexually all the time. i too have been trusting, but now i am getting very guarded about that. it's even happened with men more my age. i think there is sincerity and then i find there is not. as my kid says, everyone is going in circles, chasing their own tails. not much longing for deeper connection. or more likely great fear of losing again.

i am not looking for a fling, even though i am a sexual being. but, although practically speaking now guarded, i am NOT satisfied about being on my "own" and it's not because i am insecure. i suppose i am needy, but beyond the basics of self care. i think it is biologically and spiritually "normal" to need to be with a partner, have family and community.

i've been an only child, divorced twice and very saddened by my ex SO and his spiritual decline (for want of better words). STILL, i do not like being alone "all the time" and by that i mean being w/o an intimate passionate and nurturing relationship with a best male friend, who is monogamous, committed to long term and trustworthy.

i have a lot of yin and need a lot of yang. when it gets tough, i think back to when i was in my own firm and worried about where the next contract would be coming from to support 20 employees. so, i beat the bushes and that is what i am doing now. i pace myself to protect my feelings from the grabbing and insensitivies i am finding myself up against. i socialize a lot with younger people so i can keep my humor and dancing up to snuff. but, they are not where i am developmentally. so, it's hard and my pof friends, writing, phone calls, et al keep me going. i slowly but surely find things in my new surroundings that offer me stability, community and joy. just the other day, i was walking along my beach and had a long talk with two pigeons and a flock of gulls. next time around, i will bring more food.

still, i miss the company of "one" man and not a whole bunch of serial coffee dates and one way listening to a person's pain and troubles. so much fear, so much whining, so much isolation.......can be a bummer. then there are the happy ones who find joy in senior citizen centers, et al. i am glad that exists to look forward to, but it's just not where i am right now.

one of my male friends said i must give up my age standards. i can see as low as ten years, but the rest to me is just "arm candy" and i am on a diet! just by the laws of probability, i think my time is coming. just wish the seabirds were human. hate taking those walks on the beach alone. glad to have one friend who has agreed to start me out on my walking commitment. but, we do not hold hands. sigh.....
Joined: 9/2/2008
Msg: 32
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Posted: 1/17/2009 12:32:54 PM
I agree with poster # 2. It varies from person to person and situation to situation. That being said, I am living in my upstairs aptarment while my sister lives downstairs. It is small and rustic. It would not impress anyone. But I am happy. For the first time in my life at age 54, I am happy. I am separated and currently have no partner, it's o.k. I do not have much but my spirit is healthy. When I find someone, she will compliment me, not fill a void. She will share as I will, not take. I no longer look for a partner to complete me but one where we complete each other.
Joined: 5/19/2006
Msg: 34
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Posted: 1/17/2009 7:24:29 PM
Experience is bound to teach us something. If someone has been in a long-term relationship which ended, then they are likely to want to avoid getting into another which might not work out. I don't know about the more you have to lose the less likely you are to get involved. I think it depends on individual need for love and companionship. Some will probably never get into another relationship, preferring their own company and hobbies or work, and others will feel a great need to relate to a special person. I guess for some who have wealth and assets they might fear losing them to another, but as far as I can see material things and emotional needs are not connected. That loss of material goods can become a consequence of an emotional relationship is a shame, but there's no point starting out with that in mind.
Joined: 4/24/2008
Msg: 35
Posted: 1/17/2009 9:19:10 PM
Hi Happysimcoegurl

I love the Rainbows quote. That is preciouse.
I have had married life, It took several years to recover from the death of all my hopes and dreams. The money was split equal.
I have had the SO lifestyle, it was not that honest. I lost some money.
I have now been alone longer than the marriage. Even though I dont have a seriouse relationship, I have (friends) that would take money, items, whatever, since we are friends.
I am guarded, I will admit that. Its not the money, or things, its the pain. I really
do not want to hurt or hurt anyone else. Money comes and money goes. I dont live for that. Even the economy will remove that.
I guess I would rather be friends, that seems to last longer and be alot more honest than any other relationship Ive had.

Joined: 4/30/2007
Msg: 38
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Posted: 1/20/2009 1:41:13 AM

What can sometimes happen is that people can find a "style" (?) of relationship that works better for them. It may be true that we can be more satisfied on our own now that we are older, but that is not the reason for relationship avoidance. We just have to find our own style.

This is what I'm seeing going on......the guys our age are perfectly happy on their own screwin around...when 'they' are in the mood. While the ladies could be swayed into a .....oh that dreaded word... 'relationship' with a person who enjoys their company.

Cowabunga dudes have you got it made! Seems you'd be better off being gay, that way y'all could take care of each other and we wouldn't have to hear the drivel you spout to get laid once a month .

Just a thought .
Joined: 2/6/2006
Msg: 39
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Posted: 1/20/2009 4:27:39 AM
Oh... I'm so grateful that I no longer am compelled to take everything personal. ha!!! Its really a wonderful liberation, and a gift that the Creator bestows upon us as we actually grow and mature. The secret to all this is simply putting the focus on ourselves, where it belongs by the way... and taking it off others. We have No power over other people. We never will. Fortunately we were given the power to affect change and growth in ourselves... if we want, and are willing to actually do the work. (most of us need help... I did). The truth about all this is it is about us... not them. People who have not yet learned to protect and take care of themselves tend to project their fears and unpleasant predictions on others. This lets them off the hook, and they can go ahead and live their lives in quiet desperation and better disappointment... while feeling somewhat smug. Count me out. To borrow a term from Dr. Phil: Learn how to "Love smart". I ain't sayin' that I have become some kind of an expert in putting all this stuff into practice...cause, I havn't. However, I know these principles to be true.
 Miss New Year
Joined: 9/12/2008
Msg: 41
Posted: 2/6/2009 6:03:36 PM
So What's Your Motive? Imagine if we used that as a intitial question for each person we were chatting to or maybe interested in dating. Wonder what the responses & reactions would be? lol
I think/find, as long as I'm straight in my mind/head, with what Im doing or wanting...I can meet men & not " Think" too much. I try more to listen to my gut or instincts rather than my brain. My brain has been overused with too much illogical crap from years of working in a field with very illogical people. So I depend more on common sense these days & try to keep things simple.
The only time I think of the word "motive" now is when I watch the Nancy Grace crime victim show.
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