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 CHAOTICBEAUTINESS
Joined: 9/22/2008
Msg: 2
help please need advice badlyPage 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
Counseling is the best help for you. If you can get him to go so you can talk about these problems, better yet. Unfortunately if you can't communicate now, it usually doesn't get better or easier. You should still be in the honeymoon stage. You aren't even having sex, that is not a good sign for a good healthy relationship.
 geoffrey116
Joined: 10/11/2008
Msg: 3
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help please need advice badly
Posted: 10/20/2008 2:46:19 PM
You poor girl. Would it not be better to get out of this relaitionship now at the begining. I would have thought that at the begining of something good that is when the man will at least try to make an effort to please his partner. This man is showing you no respect or anything. if I where you love I would definitly move on. However these things are easier said than done.

You go find yourself a nice fella who will love you as you deserve and move on.
 nexthyme
Joined: 9/12/2007
Msg: 7
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help please need advice badly
Posted: 10/20/2008 2:53:32 PM
Shug you have been married how long, and are now so miserable you can see the light of day?

Instead of being ready to leave, get yourself an attorney and leave.

There is no suggestions to the fact that this should still be the honeymoon phase where you are banging each other til it hurts...(ok maybe that is an extreme, but really)

He's out of town, lies to you, and you think he's only taking care of himself in the shower alone... My bets are probably not, but that is ONLY an assumption.

The nite you slept on the floor right after you wedding should have been a clue to what was to come, and I would have felt it bet a good time for an annulment.

There is no suggestions to fix something that seems to have been broken probably before you got married. In fact I am willing to make the assumption that you were hoping things would get better if the two of you got married... Naw, that never happens... ONLY in fairytales sweety.

Ohhh and as for the we are f*&king friends, there are many kinds of friends, I am friends with several of my exes, BUT with my relationship I do NOT lock him out of anything, email, cell phone, anything.

While he is pissed he is shit talking you to the ex. She said straight up what he's about, if he wasn't such an ass she'd take him back. Even her undying love has a limit...

Counseling would be a good thing FOR YOU, to figure out why you married a nitemare, and are still there. Believe me there is nothing worse than staying like OHHHH 9 yrs, hoping things will change, when they don't. Get out while you are ahead, and haven accummulated debt with him...

Good luck
 nexthyme
Joined: 9/12/2007
Msg: 13
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help please need advice badly
Posted: 10/20/2008 3:10:53 PM
Kyn makes an excellent point, something you should really look at words are easy to come by. His actions from married day one has been nothing but hurt and disrespect.

That is according to you.

Sweety reach around to your back and feel that hard lumpy thing that runs down the middle of it, that is your spine, grab hold real tight, and realize it is meant for you to stand up with, and to be strong with.

SURE it is easy for us to say get out, that is because for a lot of us we went through simular, and finally after much misery, and loss had to move on.

Any time someone says you are reading to much into things, and really makes you feel like crap for even opening your mouth, that is EMOTIONAL abuse. Trust me, I have done a good amount of work for women in your situation, and been there myself. THIS IS how it starts. IF I DON'T SAY ANYTHING, THINGS ARE FINE....REALLY FOR WHO????

This is your life shug, and you have to live it, but from what you are saying it sounds pretty damn miserable to me...
 Alli_K
Joined: 10/14/2008
Msg: 14
help please need advice badly
Posted: 10/20/2008 3:11:57 PM

things were good when we got together, he treated me with respect, and then we got married and it got worse...i honestly thought it would get better.... as long as i keep my mouth shut we are fine, but i hate to be lied to...and i just have a gut feeling that he is cheating on me...


OK there is a little bit of an inconsistency here.... You said "When we got married and it got worse" and you said " I honestly thought it would get better."

You seem quite young and have gotten yourself into a mess. I get the feeling he was doing this before you married and hoped once you were he would change or you could change him .. and stop doing this. With some it doesn't stop it gets worse.
I agree with the others.... go see someone, talk to them , sooner or later he will knock you down so far he will have complete control over you , with no self esteem or confidence.

There are a lot of good men out there don't get stuck end up having children in the current situation as it stands now.
 CHAOTICBEAUTINESS
Joined: 9/22/2008
Msg: 17
help please need advice badly
Posted: 10/20/2008 3:21:55 PM
Why do you show that you are divorced and looking for a ltr and you say you have only been married 3 months? You say you are 35 in your profile but 33 as your age. Some things aren't adding up here.
 Leeanne
Joined: 10/14/2005
Msg: 18
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help please need advice badly
Posted: 10/20/2008 3:26:40 PM
You have to know that you do not deserve to be treated so badly - you need to go to a womens shelter/social services or to family and get out now!!! Get help and leave that piece of sh:t!!! Love and marriage should never break your heart - make you cry or hurt you in any way what so ever!! Life is way too short to live it with such torment and abuse!!
 qu1nn
Joined: 7/16/2008
Msg: 19
help please need advice badly
Posted: 10/20/2008 3:30:14 PM
Ya, you need to leave, get the kids and the dog and head out! If he is this bad now, Imagine how much worse it will be in the future.

And to boot, if your daughter was in this situation, what would you hope she would do? Well, what ever you decide will teach her what she should do. Will you let your daughter grow up thinking marriage is supposed to be a loveless situation, or will she learn that IT IS OK TO LOOK OUT FOR YOURSELF and family and do whats right?

I sure hope she learns to stand, there are enough poeople out there who think marriage is a loveless void, lets not add any more.
 Diana619
Joined: 8/29/2007
Msg: 21
help please need advice badly
Posted: 10/20/2008 4:22:59 PM
Maybe he read your profile on this dating site looking for a long term relationship and stating that you are divorced.......unless....You blocked him with the password.....oh wait.........that's what he did to you and the cell phone account. Wow .......what a mess. Either you are lying in the forums or you are lying on your profile because none of this jives.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 22
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help please need advice badly
Posted: 10/20/2008 4:35:26 PM
You are 35, far from being a child. What made you date/stay with a man that was still in love with his Ex? It sounds to me like he is fully away that he has made a huge mistake by marrying you and is too much of a coward to admit it. The wedding night is a huge red flag as to how your married life was going to be. No man turns down sex with the woman he loves to do a few shots with the boys.
Call a lawyer, and get yourself some therapy.
 nexthyme
Joined: 9/12/2007
Msg: 24
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help please need advice badly
Posted: 10/20/2008 6:24:19 PM
GET OUT NOW!!!!!!!!!

You need to get in touch with a womans shelter ASAP

This can not be considered acceptable to you, and you got hurt???

What will it take, him killing you???

I have worked with abused women, and was one myself. It does NOT get better, and you are NOT going to be able to do anything to make things better, except for NOT being there.

PLEASE, I have seen this so often, and it makes me sooo sad to hear that.

You know the answer, and I am sure you have a lot of fear, but with good direction, and the womens shelters are trained to deal with ALL of this, GET OUT...

He isn't home most of the time, so this shouldn't be a big problem for you to get the help you need to move YOUR stuff, and file for a restraining order and divorce.

GEEZ girl, this is NOT a game, or something YOU can fix, or will get better after a while..
 huixin
Joined: 11/22/2007
Msg: 26
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help please need advice badly
Posted: 10/21/2008 12:03:36 AM
forget him leave him start your new life
 c_deacon
Joined: 3/13/2005
Msg: 30
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help please need advice badly
Posted: 10/21/2008 11:40:30 AM
Are you married to him or someone else, and he is just another man you know????

If this sounds crazy as a statement, so does your relationship with this man that you thought enough of to marry.........

You had to have known that he had a former significant other before you, and if still in love with any of them.......emotionally, mentally, or physically, you never should have said "YES".......

You also must have known that he worked out of town most the week, and would be away from you days at a time, so why is that an issue "NOW"? Would you prefer that he not take care of himself in the shower while away from you, and take care of it in other ways?

Your relationship is a perfect reason why marriage should be one of the last things accomplished when considering a long term commitment. All these so called "items" on your list, should have been discussed and worked out, long before saying "I do".

OP......Your profile states that you have been married before, and have children, and now you are married again, still on your so called "Honey Moon", and heading for divorce number two......... Do you really want to become a three time loser before you are 40, or are you willing to take this man's hand and walk the both of you to a good counselor, and get this worked out, before the papers are filed?

God, how I wish that it would be as difficult to get married as it is to get divorced, and force others to see what they are getting into and what needs to be done to make it really work.

Just my opinion........
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 31
help please need advice badly
Posted: 10/21/2008 10:57:58 PM
Leave him unless you're a glutton for abuse.
 bgp1950
Joined: 10/21/2008
Msg: 35
help please need advice badly
Posted: 1/10/2009 12:04:44 PM
OK, darling, here goes:

1. You must treat yourself with respect BEFORE others will respect you. That includes your husband (or your ex-husband).
2. He simply doesn't deserve you. You have stepped into a mess of s..t and it's time to wash off the dog poo.
3. Go out with your friends. Teach this guy a lesson with your own message. "I'm not going to sit around and wait for you to grow up!"

Just ask me, life is too short to mess around with a guy like this. Your "knight in shining armour" is just around the corner. This guy is not it!!!

Best of luck to you and I hope you get all this sorted out.

B
 Icestorm
Joined: 1/15/2007
Msg: 37
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help please need advice badly
Posted: 1/10/2009 1:04:47 PM
In a situation like this, marriage counseling does not seem to be a viable option, as both people would have to be willing to participate. From what the OP says, it is highly unlikely he would be willing to participate.
 aasweetguyforyou
Joined: 11/2/2006
Msg: 38
help please need advice badly
Posted: 2/13/2009 7:13:09 AM
i read your posts and i only live about 50 miles away and can help you with your problems a few times a month...lol
 kim1622
Joined: 11/25/2008
Msg: 39
help please need advice badly
Posted: 2/13/2009 8:01:12 AM
I am so sorry your having to go through this. Yuck! There is a support website you can post at, breakups and divorce (not that your ready for that but it's a place to vent) and talk to other people going through the same thing. w w w d a i l y s t r e n g t h c o m. Look me up if you go there, I'm kim162. Take care.
 5speedfreak
Joined: 11/10/2008
Msg: 41
help please need advice badly
Posted: 2/13/2009 10:30:06 PM
all i can suggest is..... lose him... you did not sign up for constant misery.. thats B S.. no one should have to endure a constant state of unhappyness..... cut your loss and get out.... its not worth is, i dont know you but i have a sure feeling that you deserve much much more than what you're getting now
 mascot1
Joined: 5/3/2008
Msg: 46
help please need advice badly
Posted: 2/19/2009 10:28:39 AM
Wow, a lot of the women on here would know the signs of a jerk because at one point or another, we've been with one. Please get out and leave this dog alone. Trust me, that is not love. He could say he loves you but you know the old saying "Actions speak louder than words". My ex and I ONLY got along while we were high and in the bed, that was it, nothing more. That is what kept us together. When I look back, I wish I got out sooner because I was 'blinded' to who he really was. I thought he loved me even though he broke up with me more times than I care to remember(everytime he got mad) and called me stupid and stuff like that, everything was my fault. Thats what they do. You'll feel SOOOO much better after you get yourself out and pick yourself up again. Then you'll wonder "what the fu*k was I thinking to have even stayed with a man that treated me like that?" Believe me, time heals all wounds, but not if you keep putting the salt on it.
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