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 blonde chickie
Joined: 11/3/2005
Msg: 6
Scared stiffPage 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
Why would you wanna move in with your boyfriend and his room mates ?
Joined: 10/16/2008
Msg: 9
Scared stiff
Posted: 10/24/2008 8:31:29 AM

He said this will be a perfect experiment to see how well we'd do together if I should decide to come live with him in the near future. What's the best way for us to do something like this?

get the stuff you need and enjoy your time together! are you bringing the bird??

How do you know when you're ready for a big step like this?

good question. i think that your comfort level will be much higher when the relationship is ready for this step. personally, i think that 6 months together is a pretty short period of time before shacking up together, but that's just me. some fear would be normal, and healthy before a big step like this. keep talking about it with him, and don't give in to begging, pleading and any type of manipulation. ;-) your partner should be understanding and patient with your concerns.
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 13
view profile
Scared stiff
Posted: 10/24/2008 9:07:40 AM

How do you know when you're ready for a big step like this?
You'll know your ready for a big step like this when you have at least 1/2 the questions you have and you don't need to ask a bunch of strangers if it's the right thing to do.

It's hard enough adjusting to each others quirks and idiosyncrasies without having room mates around listening to your every discussion/disagreement/intimate sound. Perhaps it would be more beneficial for you to move in with him when you both can afford to pay for a place of your own.... by then you'll know each other better and you will know without hesitation whether or not it's the right thing to do.

If he cares enough about you, he'll understand this most intellegent choice to wait and he'll still be there with you when it feels like a more natural choice for you.

~ Wishes ~
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 14
Scared stiff
Posted: 10/24/2008 10:15:19 AM
My boyfriend (I met him here on POF, and we've been together for six months) wants me to move in with him and his roomates.

Two words.

Bad idea.
Cindy O
 acitalriwt sixela
Joined: 5/5/2008
Msg: 25
Scared stiff
Posted: 10/24/2008 1:20:56 PM
Ok, no to the roomates then. He and his mates moved to Florida together, and he said he doesn't want to move out on them and leave them high and dry with the rent. That sounds reasonable to me; I don't want to screw everyone over just so we could be alone together

He can wait until the lease end and his friends can move to less expensive place. Is not fair to your boyfriend or you to take care of these friends because they want too expensive house.

Is your choise to move in together when feel ready but I think this extra time would be better.
 Miss W
Joined: 12/4/2006
Msg: 26
Scared stiff
Posted: 10/24/2008 1:46:53 PM
Sweetie, I think you knew the answer before you asked the question here.

That you did. Moving in with him and his room mates would be a recipe for disaster and would really put a strain on your relationship. You should leave things as they are for is a good thing. Then, if you want to live together sometime down the line, it should be just the 2 of you sans room mates. Best to you!

PS I have a pet who throws bird seed around the house too, but I clean it up and my room mates have always liked him...probably because he is cute and funny.
Joined: 3/13/2005
Msg: 27
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Scared stiff
Posted: 10/24/2008 1:58:03 PM
It is a tough decision for you to make if it were just the two of you making the choice to cohabitate together, but adding other "roomies" would so confuse and complicate the whole situation that "NO" should be the first thing out of your mouth.

If your gut tells you to be careful, then take its advice and put living together on hold, even for the short time of when you are working on a project there. I see nothing but anxiety and pressure on the both of you for something that there is no real need to force at this time.

Get your own place or stay with family or girlfriends, and slowly plan a time with him to live together in a peaceful situation that the both of you hopefully will enjoy and not regret......

Just my opinion......
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 28
view profile
Scared stiff
Posted: 10/24/2008 2:04:23 PM
His roommates|? Sounds insane considering you don't do well with one roommate, you aren't sure you want to live with your boyfriend, you have a pet others might be mean too because they won't be understanding about it like you are, and you seem to not really like living with someone. It would be quite enough to get use to living with a boyfriend, but really over the top to do it with him and his roommates! Maybe he should move in with you so you don't have to be left homeless if it doesn't work out and your pet is safe at home where he belongs.
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 29
Scared stiff
Posted: 10/24/2008 2:09:50 PM
Okay, it sounds like you are already made up your mind in some of these things. But here's the thing. You still have a long way to go growing the relationship, and having the roommates will cause a lot of problems. So here's what I would suggest.

Have a safety valve.

What that means is that you still keep your place for a while and spend more time over his place. Get a feel for it, but have your time alone over your place. So if things get too wild, you have a place to go chill, if you need to do tons of work, you again have a place to be your space and your space alone.
Joined: 7/6/2008
Msg: 31
Scared stiff
Posted: 10/24/2008 2:55:26 PM

It's freaking me out bigtime. I feel alittle overhelmed. Maybe it's too much too soon? Or maybe I just need to get used to this being the way healthy relationships operate. How do you know when you're ready for a big step like this?

I think you have a couple things freaking you out big time actually....I think one is the idea of moving in with him, which I concur with some other posters - the only way to know how it will work is to try it, you have the perfect opportunity to do so with your project - so give it your best!

But - a concern I read in what you write is that you don't appear to me to really WANT it to work....?

Think about that for some time.
Would you prefer to NOT live with him?

If that's what you're feeling and where you are inside of you -then no, it's not going to be a good thing and your gut knows this.

Last - I think the newness of "how" you and this particular boyfriend are doing things is impacting you also.

I am in the early stages of an amazing relationship (with a man from POF) and it's unlike any relationship in my past. Which is at times WONDERFUL and at other times? Intimidating and overwhelming to me.

And I am definitely NOT a person who intimidates easily - at all!

It's knocked me off my moorings a time or two - so my suggestion to you is - continue the great and open communication with your guy - even when you DO move in, and your impulse or desire is to run, flea! Hide.


Pre-determine together that what you are BOTH working toward is what's right for you both, that it's what you want, and you both agree to continue to love each other and work toward it.

It's wobbly and cool, and interesting, and you'll both probably have moments where you cry a little, and then push yourself harder to break out of your internalizing ...

Totally worth it!

 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 32
view profile
Scared stiff
Posted: 10/24/2008 3:22:34 PM
I agree... it is all totally worth it... but if you're going to do it.. try it together (you and he only) without all the others surrounding you. That way, you'll get a true picture of how the two of you will be.
Joined: 9/30/2007
Msg: 33
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Scared stiff
Posted: 10/24/2008 3:31:35 PM
I don't like the fact he already has roomates... naw.. that isn't gonna work.

If you move in together you need to have your own place.. unless you are just gonna be another roommate and that wasn't what your original message implied.

No it will not work with a roommate there.. you are in a relationship with him not a roommate.

Oh and just to be clear.. living together and being married are not the same thing. You can't tell if you are compatable for marriage by just living together because marriage changes everything.

If you decide to move in with him.. don't commingle your money.. keep your money separate.. and if you want to contribute to the household then keep tabs of what the split is. Keep things real clean money wise. And don't buy crap together either other than consumables.. cuz playing house might wind you up in small claims court.
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 36
view profile
Scared stiff
Posted: 10/24/2008 9:43:06 PM

Oh and just to be clear.. living together and being married are not the same thing. You can't tell if you are compatable for marriage by just living together because marriage changes everything.
I'd be curious to hear how you believe that marriage changes everything. I tend to think it's pretty much the same thing without the government issued licence.. that's why I wouldn't do it with just anybody. It has to be with someone that I could, at the very least picture spending the rest of my life with.
Joined: 8/13/2007
Msg: 37
Scared stiff
Posted: 10/24/2008 10:13:09 PM
WOW OP! You should be scared stiff! You give new meaning to the phrase "a glutton for punishment". You have never even had an "argument" with a previous boyfriend and you are considering moving in with him AND his roomates. And possibly
"another" girlfriend too? Five people in a three bedroom apartment sounds like the perfect [and quickest] way to ruin your relationship IMO. A surefire recipe for disaster IMO. It is hard enough just for TWO folks to adjust to each other... My advice? D O N' T do it.

And Good Luck with your career...
Joined: 7/11/2008
Msg: 38
Scared stiff
Posted: 10/25/2008 8:19:02 AM
If you have to even ask this, I would think you may know it is not a good idea. And with room mates? Bad idea. It is hard enough to get to know someone alone, let alone with other people around. And God help you if there is a disagreement (and I would bet money there will be, with others as HIS room mates) you may find yourself out of a place to live. Keep your own apartment, get to know him a little while longer then get a place together. This does not take that much common sense. When do you know you are ready? When you do not need to ask it in the first place.
Joined: 9/14/2008
Msg: 40
view profile
Scared stiff
Posted: 11/2/2008 2:09:00 PM
I think the act of asking the question, "How do you know when you're ready for a big step like this?" makes one think that you might not be.

Sweetheart, you're 25...what's the point of moving in with your boyfriend? You've got your space, he's got his. You get together when you want, and when you need alone time, you've got it. I don't know what your current living situation is but I'll assume you have a place of your own or have one or so you really want to move out of that situation and into one where you'll not only have to deal with your boyfriend, but his friends as well? They might all be good guys, but hanging out with the fellas and living with them are two completely different animals. If you feel pressured into it, then maybe he's not the right person for you. This kind of a decision is both an emotional issue (does it feel right) and a logical one (does it make sense objectively).
Joined: 4/7/2005
Msg: 43
view profile
Scared stiff
Posted: 11/16/2008 9:07:02 PM
I am glad that the house came along for you for several reasons. Just the elation you showed that the house is available reinforces the intuition of many (including me) that you were not really ready to move in with the b/f. Secondly it provides space for you and the pet. Thirdly it gives you a meeting ground to develop the relationship. Someone else said that just because you successfully had ONE arguement and patched it up does not mean you can maintain a healthy and happy relationship; and for a relationship to grow and survive it will have to survive many, many disagreements and negotiations. That is the nature of relationships. They are no longer about "I" , but about "we". You recognized that bottling up your anger and frustration is not the path to a healthy relationship. Sweeping issues under the rug (and letting the anger build) just means postponing the eventual disintegration. A note on roommates. My experience is that it is difficult to find compatible roommates in general. It is touch and go between most roommates until you find the correct mix that share duties and responsibilities and social life that makes it a tolerable living arrangement. You dodged a bullet by not moving in with the b/f and his roomies. Now you can focus on your relationship without distractions and partisan bickering.
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