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 deere rancher
Joined: 7/9/2008
Msg: 187
Why are we still so affraid to let people in?Page 12 of 12    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12)
because , .................as we age we learn that its the ones we care about the most ... that can hurt us the most
 Vannili
Joined: 7/8/2008
Msg: 188
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Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 7/7/2011 2:45:03 PM

Why are we still affraid to let people in?


The door is not lock , they can just turn the knob and let them self in with their own risk....
 mateo45
Joined: 1/17/2008
Msg: 189
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Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 7/7/2011 4:56:10 PM
I don't mind an "open door" and even a little "risk". It's when they post that little sign over the door that says, "Abandon hope all ye who enter here"...!
 onlysoulshine
Joined: 2/6/2011
Msg: 190
Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 7/7/2011 8:09:48 PM
I'm NOT afraid! I could tell you a bunch of horror stories that would make Jerry Springer's ears stand up, but WHY? It's all in the past and I live for today (now) I find that being true to myself is where it begins. Afterall, if you can't be true to yourself, who can you be true to? I have no expectations and get no disappointments! In my little corner of the world, it's all good!

I think a lot of people are tainted from past experiences and just can't get past them, so instead of opening their hearts to life, they close up for fear of further pain. Taking chances is what life is all about. How will you ever know if you don't try? I chalk it up to learning experiences and find that in every bad thing that happened, something good came from it (yes, in every instance) Sometimes we have to look really hard, but every cloud does have a silver lining!

Come on people, let your souls shine!
 RRuffner
Joined: 5/21/2011
Msg: 191
Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 7/7/2011 9:57:52 PM
I appreciate your optimism but have one, little, tiny correction (pardon me):

Life IS about staying 'safe': its LIVING that is about taking chances.

We save our lives, we bank and invest our strength, we shore up our weaknesses, we create safety for our day's of resting. Life is a consolidation of resources, it is about staying 'safe'.

LIVING requires us to get out of that safe hidey-hole, to get into the world where there are things we can't control, things/situations/people that might endanger us AND/OR can be added into our Life.

If you are "Living" for safety, ultimately your life is wasted.
If your Life is "taking chances", odds are you won't have it too long.

It's good to have a balanced mix of both - I'm not there yet, but trying!

 onlysoulshine
Joined: 2/6/2011
Msg: 192
Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 7/7/2011 10:49:59 PM
I stand corrected on some and agree to disagree on other's. Life is SIMPLE....I let it be just that!
 Ready_Real
Joined: 12/30/2010
Msg: 193
Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 7/8/2011 5:26:27 AM
"Intimate, yes. Open, no"

The above is one of the saddest lines I've ever read. . .
 mateo45
Joined: 1/17/2008
Msg: 194
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Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 7/8/2011 7:20:13 AM
Maybe they just meant that their sense of "intimacy" has limits, but I agree, it doesn't sound too good!

"Intimacy" (the emotional kind) and what it means is a tough subject. And how many of us can actually really "do" it, even when you get past the typical issues of "chemistry", values, compatibility, etc.?!

To paraphrase what a psychiatrist friend once told me, "it's actually a pretty scary thought to merge your sense of self with someone else's. And then, where do they end and you begin, and how to avoid "losing" yourself" in the process?"
 Ready_Real
Joined: 12/30/2010
Msg: 195
Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 7/8/2011 2:36:38 PM
For mateo45,

If it's the real thing, this entire thread becomes moot because when you have "the real thing," you just enjoy it with zero worries/hesitations/caveats/limitations/definitions.

Think of those (relatively:) old couples who have celebrated 50 or 60 years together. The ones who still hold hands, look into each other's eyes, smile, and just fit like two pieces of a whole. Sure. They've had their challenges over the decades. But if you ask them what has kept them together, they generally reply something along the lines of, "We just are."

Granted. These people are very blessed to have such a rare kind of romantic love. But heck: don't they have the stuff of which dreams are made? And what happens to us humans if/when we lose our dreams?
 mateo45
Joined: 1/17/2008
Msg: 196
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Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 7/8/2011 6:46:34 PM
Oh, no question, that's a charming example and a fine goal. But I'd also imagine those are the kind of folks who each already had a reasonably healthy sense of "self" and their own personalities to begin with, before they could successfully integrate with another's.

One of my "pet peeves" in the dating arena, and especially online, is we compare all sorts of things like age, height, kids, marital status, whatever, and we all look for the right "chemistry", etc.. But it's always with the assumption that we're all basically seeking the same thing... emotional (and presumably sexual) "intimacy".

Not only do I think that's a false "assumption", but the fact of the matter is there's also an awful lot of folks running around out there who just couldn't do "intimacy" if their life depended on it (in fact it scares the bejeezus out of 'em)! And I can tell you from experience, that the "inability to do intimacy" can "fail" a relationship just as effectively as infidelity, abuse, "money", "sex" or any other reasons (which often end up being just the "excuses" anyway)!

If you have any doubts, just read some of the arguments in defense of "Dating" in the many threads re: Dating vs Longterm?
 Floramac
Joined: 7/7/2011
Msg: 197
Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 7/11/2011 2:13:05 AM
........some don't want to leave.............
 BlueTeaPot
Joined: 6/25/2011
Msg: 198
Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 7/11/2011 2:51:09 AM
I am not jaded...cautious maybe but still willing to look and be amazed....either at how other people think they can treat other human beingings...or how they do treat me.

I want to find love. So am willing to look around. See who is out there and see how and if they would fit into my life and maybe I fit into theirs.

Am looking for the person to sit on the veranda with me in 30 years time...until then we have a lot of living to do!

Most of us have done the 9 yards in learning about ourselves, and those who havent keep on working....its worth it in the end!



Do not be afraid. Afterall, there is JOY in life too!
 valenciacityx
Joined: 3/10/2009
Msg: 199
Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 7/11/2011 7:40:29 AM
Its not fear - its mitigated risk
and the first hit is a social media check
then a criminal NAC check
then a meet,
then a public records check
a guarded interview with full notice of red flags
and then a long spell of silence waiting for that round to drop in the chamber that tells you this one aint worth it, she is not a good fit, or more often - she was somehow offended by something I said - meh

Its an obstacle course - because I am not giving up my time, my freedom, and possible half my stuff, to Sally Jo Ho down the street.
but in fairness, you girls must do a similar gymnastics - you just are afraid to admit it.
The ROI on it is just too much cost for way too little benefit., way too often.
 ARMYMANFORYOU
Joined: 11/12/2009
Msg: 200
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Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 8/31/2011 6:43:49 PM
Why are people on dating site if all they want to do is turn people down causing harm to good caring people who want to meet someone
 Perigee123
Joined: 7/14/2009
Msg: 201
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Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 9/1/2011 5:39:07 AM
Why are people on dating site if all they want to do is turn people down causing harm to good caring people who want to meet someone


Well, that's a telling post, right there.

And I'm not sure the thread question isn't of the same nature; "Defend your refusal to be unselective." It's a trick question, like, "Why are you still so 'affraid' to be homosexual?"

Or, "Why are you so 'affraid' to date ARMYMANFORYOU?"

Or "Why are you so 'affraid' to have sex on the first date?"

Or "Why are you so 'affraid' to buy a Dodge?"

Just because you don't doesn't mean that you are weak - that you are 'affraid.' You just don't choose to - and that's allowed.

You don't need to be a little hurt birdie to choose who you have affinity for. Everyone does not have the unalienable right to come slouching into every corner of your life; - you're a person, not a WalMart.

Yeah - by the time you reach this forum, you've collected your battle scars in love. You've piled up plenty in all the other aspects of your life, too. By the question's logic, you should be one great big bundle of wrinkly fears.
 Kevjohns
Joined: 8/9/2011
Msg: 202
Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 9/5/2011 6:02:21 PM
Been, we all know there are some vindictive, bitter, horrible women out there. But there are some great women out there. You simply need to be selective before you just let ANYBODY into your life.
 Kevjohns
Joined: 8/9/2011
Msg: 203
Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 9/6/2011 6:30:17 AM
Tennessee has a few, you just need to get out more.
 JustRightGuy
Joined: 6/23/2007
Msg: 204
Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 9/8/2011 3:51:35 PM
In the field of NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming) there is a presupposition that says: There is a positive intention behind all behaviors. That means that all behaviors are unconsciously driven to PROTECT or accomplish something POSITIVE for the individual. In more conventional psychology this is called a "Secondary Gain".

Most lay public have difficulty separating a BEHAVIOR from an OUTCOME. On a conscious level they would like to date or be part of a couple. But on an unconscious level they generate behaviors that keep themselves out of a relationship because an unconscious part of them has learned that this BEHAVIOR will provide the OUTCOME of protection.

The BEHAVIOR of not responding to emails provides the OUTCOME of not getting your feelings hurt.

In NLP we "fix" this situation by negotiating with the unconscious mind. We ask it to find new BEHAVIORS that will provide the same OUTCOME. The new BEHAVIORS must be more consciously acceptable than the old BEHAVIOR, and it must be as effective and available at providing the the same OUTCOME (protection).

In other words, this is an UNCONSCIOUS issue, and in order to overcome it rapidly, it must be dealt with at an UNCONSCIOUS level. Talking about it endlessly (on a conscious level) isn't going to eliminate the problem. It will, however, create lots of frustration.
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