Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  >      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 cookie22222
Joined: 8/4/2007
Msg: 134
view profile
History
Why are we still so affraid to let people in?Page 4 of 12    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12)
Are you guys serious about that? Really? There is nothing to fear but - the loss of money? That's so far off my radar I just can't imagine that holding someone back from a relationship.
 the SoldierByte
Joined: 12/25/2005
Msg: 135
Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 9/9/2009 12:06:59 PM
Ahhh Ms cookie22222..........
nahhhh.. we do not really fear that..
mostly just kidding/teasing, and trying to add some life to this thread..
Now.. iffin you lived closer, an I was bout ten years younger..
I be giving you a reason to be a lil more afriad.....
---SoldierByte---.
 cookie22222
Joined: 8/4/2007
Msg: 136
view profile
History
Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 9/9/2009 12:19:28 PM
OK then...I won't change my "headline" to - I promise I'll sign a prenup!
I'm glad it's not always about money.

Mr. SB...you don't scare me...I bet I'd have YOU in the cat suit in no time!
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 140
view profile
History
Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 9/10/2009 8:25:55 AM

I think people can not let others in because they have not learned to love themself


On the contrary, I think that people who can not let others in have learned to love themselves all too well. The are quite happy in most ways with the lives they construct for themselves and are very reluctant to change anything to let another person into their lives. I personally recall being quite satisfied with my life in this manner for quite a long period in my life. At some point its pure selfishness.
 whytwater
Joined: 8/7/2008
Msg: 142
Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 11/7/2009 8:38:16 AM

A lawyer once posted the latin (which I can't remember) but it roughly translates to 'you can't sell what you don't own'.


So I need to use latin phrases? THAT's the key?!!! Sheesh. I'm fvcked. I keep struggling with this one language I use to break through.


My ornery side doesn't want to give them any more control over me.


Ornery?!! Lol. Awwww, I call that "pluck", darlin', and I kinda prize it.


Once I got my courage back I was able to open up and take a risk with someone new. Who knows what will happen from here, but I know for certainty what would have happened if I didn't take the chance to even meet him.


Well, if I can't reach ya, my fondest wish has to be that others live and learn as adeptly as you do.
 thecatsmeoww
Joined: 3/7/2009
Msg: 148
Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 4/2/2010 3:13:26 AM

i'd always been the heartbreaker.....it was a real shock that the same could happen to me.....how could THAT happen to me?
since then i've always kept my distance emotionally, but i've had a great time and some fun relationships.


Heartbreak Hotel.. I had my heart broken in my early 20's I think that had to be the worst for me.. The reason for that is I had to suck it up and go on with the show and it was real difficult for me at the time... That is when I learned sometimes when you have to fake things it actually ends up helping you.. I would plaster on a smile and get out there.. The heartbreak lasted a few years..

Second heartbreak was a death of a loved one I was in that one for a quite a number of years.. I would say close to a decade..

Last heartbreak was 2006..through it in January in 2009 when I found myself attracted to someone that I knew.. What a surprise that was for me.. So I figured yahoo I am through it.. and signed on POF..

In spite of heartbreaks along life's course am not going to live in fear of it.. I certainly do not want to experience it again but realize it is often a part of loving and losing.. That life simply does not come with guarantees. So never give up who you are, and stay strong because more storms are certainly ahead..

thecatsmeoww
 Turquoise Eyes
Joined: 11/26/2009
Msg: 150
Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 4/3/2010 6:22:28 AM
^^^^rossal my sentiments exactly. Someone stated there were 4 women to every man, if that is true then it will probably take more time to find the one meant for me.
 blueyesrsmiling
Joined: 6/25/2008
Msg: 151
Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 4/4/2010 8:27:54 AM
I only know a few things in life.
I am going to be disappointed by love at sometime in my life. I might even be a bit colored bitter for just awhile. But I am going to jump back in the ring and throw my hat in.....because I fear not having love in my life worse. I know at some point someone is going to hurt me or heck disappoint me. I know that I may hurt or disappoint them. But not trying is worse than being hurt or disappointed. But that's part of life they wouldn't let me write the script of what I wanted and how I wanted it...
Heck it would read to much like a romance novel and even that gets boring....
 thecatsmeoww
Joined: 3/7/2009
Msg: 152
Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 4/4/2010 8:28:23 AM

So, in a roundabout manner, we're afraid to let someone in because there is the potential to experience the Loss again.


Love was never really stolen it just took them on another path..

thecatsmeoww
 thecatsmeoww
Joined: 3/7/2009
Msg: 153
Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 4/4/2010 8:34:39 AM

I know at some point someone is going to hurt me or heck disappoint me. I know that I may hurt or disappoint them. But not trying is worse than being hurt or disappointed.


The problem I think is the eyes we view this through.. It as if we claim ownership of a soul.. Once we can release that we can get rid of the fear..

thecatsmeoww
 thecatsmeoww
Joined: 3/7/2009
Msg: 155
Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 4/7/2010 2:13:18 AM

Me too, and I did, and continue to throw myself back into the ring while full well knowing all of the risks because, well, they seem to be the sanest of risks when you think about the risk of what you may never get if you don’t try. My fear of not participating in one of the greatest joys in life pales in comparison to the risk of letting someone in.


There is no risk if you do not try.. Simply put if you do not try you have already failed.. Since when are any of us prepared to let that happen?

If I look at life as a whole I am a highly competitive person.. I also understand that in order to win I also have to be prepared to lose at times. There is no shame at all losing to good competition.

However nothing is worse then losing to poor competition.. That really can frost someone socks..

Strange as it may seem when you enter the ring emotions are involved. I have seen people cry when their cat did not win.. It is the culmination of putting so much work (long hours) and hope into something and then losing. But if they can see beyond what they bring to the party and appreciate there is much greatness in others as well they would not be suffering that reaction and would go and congratulate the winner.

If we keep a sane head it helps us weather the storms..

thecatsmeoww
 thecatsmeoww
Joined: 3/7/2009
Msg: 158
Here's why i'm not afraid to let people in.
Posted: 4/7/2010 6:21:46 AM

Sometimes you've got to kiss a few frogs to find your prince(ss).


So people say.. While I have been caught off guard once or twice I can honestly say I have not kissed any frogs yet.. The off guard ones were more of a brush off then a kiss since they caught me before I slammed the car door..

thecatsmeoww
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 159
view profile
History
Here's why i'm not afraid to let people in.
Posted: 4/7/2010 6:57:52 AM
^^^^Exactly why I am afraid to let people in. Constant slamming of the car door causes it to rattle after a while, then I have to get a new car. You would think people would be more considerate......
 Free-At-Last
Joined: 7/15/2009
Msg: 160
Here's why i'm not afraid to let people in.
Posted: 4/8/2010 11:36:40 PM

Here's why i'm not afraid to let people in.

It's not letting people in that's the problem. It's not being able to get them OUT that scares me.
 ichi-bon
Joined: 3/30/2008
Msg: 161
Here's why i'm not afraid to let people in.
Posted: 4/9/2010 3:24:31 AM
“Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down.”
 amethyst10616
Joined: 7/23/2009
Msg: 162
view profile
History
Here's why i'm not afraid to let people in.
Posted: 4/9/2010 4:22:31 AM
I think if we learn from our past mistakes, then we learn to be more selective and choose more wisely who we let close to us. Sometimes, the most endearing people have so many issues that a relationship with them can never work beyond a friend level. A romantic relationship requires both to be givers. If one is taker, then there is no balance and it adds one more disappointment to our lives.

If someone has walls, it is their job to take them down, not anyone else's. Trust takes time and giving our absolute trust to someone comes with continued positive experience with them.
 ichi-bon
Joined: 3/30/2008
Msg: 163
Here's why i'm not afraid to let people in.
Posted: 4/9/2010 7:41:51 AM

It's not letting people in that's the problem. It's not being able to get them OUT that scares me


LOL...I have not had the problem of one not being interested in me, but rather of coming across anyone that I have found interesting .........or a keeper.
I am very particular about who and what I let into my life.
In the pond, there are a lot of fish swimming around looking for a hit and miss bite. Not going there.
I am still of the old fashioned opinion that to most men, a one I would be interested in, the woman is still the prize. May not be a popular opinion, but it is mine......and what I go by.
Anything easily gotten, is easily let go of!
 Spitfire1956
Joined: 3/9/2008
Msg: 164
Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 4/13/2010 9:30:39 PM
I'm not afraid to "let someone in"- - I just know most can't handle the situation surrounding my life, so I don't even bother trying to get close to anyone. It would take a very strong man to know he's number one but I have certain criteria that's just as important to me as he would be and I'm not going to choose between "him" or the things that I need to do on another matter just as important to me. Most men aren't strong enough or secure enough to understand. It's hard to get close to me or to get inside of my heart..but once there they are there for good. Yep, I may be complicated but I'm also a very loyal woman as well.
 ShellLadySD
Joined: 3/11/2008
Msg: 167
Here's why i'm not afraid to let people in.
Posted: 4/23/2010 5:40:44 PM
I think the walls go up when we don't trust ourselves. I apologize if this is repetitious, I didn't read all the posts.
I don't have walls, or have a need for them, but I've tried to become really clear within myself what I will need to find in, and to be able to bring to, a relationship. My experience as a single woman has been that the men I've come to know are just like me in most ways. Imperfect, wanting to be love and be loved as much because of our imperfections as in spite of them. Wanting to share life with someone who cares and is willing be there through thick and through thin. BUT- as like me as they've been, and as really interesting and good as they've been, they haven't been right for me. One or two of them have proved to have major problems, but when I see that, I close the gate. The gate on the fence - boundaries-- not the door on the wall. Boundaries are valuable, vital even.
But walls--- walls make you a prisoner, limit your vista. Trust yourself. Tear down the walls. If you need a fence from time to time, you're strong enough to build one. Just make sure there's a gate in it.
 Spitfire1956
Joined: 3/9/2008
Msg: 168
Here's why i'm not afraid to let people in.
Posted: 4/24/2010 6:04:30 PM
I need to re-write what I tried to convey but didn't do so well...... I'm not afraid to let people in..but most men can't handle the situation that I'm in. My late husband was murdered..and I won't ever rest until that is solved. Most men can't handle the things that I need to do sometimes, working on his case, talking about what happened..tyring to find missing links...some of the guys that I did meet- most felt that they would always be 2nd and that I was still living in the past. They need to understand where I stand. So, that's one of the main reasons I don't put myself out there for dating. I don't need to be belittled for trying to solve a murder. I would love to have closure and have the killer behind bars and that means the world to me. As far as letting someone close..I have a few people who are close to me- they understand my situation and they are there for me, not judge me or try to say I'm stuck in the past..but if I see or feel any apprehension then the gate closes as far as getting any closer to me. That's my stand on it..my late husband was just as important to me as any new man would be, but if they make me choose then they loose.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 169
Why are we still so afraid to let people in?
Posted: 7/8/2010 6:10:03 PM
With me it's not fear - it takes me a while to warm up to people, but those I am close with, I've been close with for years. It's a natural process with me and trying to speed it up or push it just sets off red flags. What's the big rush to hurry up and be involved? Unless you've got months to live or something I don't see the point.

It has nothing to do with an ex hurting me or dating at all. It has everything to do with people in general - I learned to be cautious of people from childhood regardless of the nature of the relationship - and it takes me as long as it takes. Anyone who can't understand that is free not to wait it out.

You don't have to jump through hoops with me, in fact someone who does I may see as trying to impress or push me to have a certain opinion - for me it's all about time and patience. If you're a good person, I'll learn about it by knowing you a while. Period.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 170
Why are we still so afraid to let people in?
Posted: 7/9/2010 2:14:46 PM

womaninprogress.. you have heard of the male menopause... mid life crisis...

Yep...heard of it. Not sure why you bring that up...women go through the same thing in a different way. Regardless of gender, rushing to make sure you're half of a couple to solve issues with getting older aren't a good reason to be ok with people who are in a rush for involvement.

There is a NATURAL pace for getting to know someone for most people. Trying to speed that up, preempt it, or even slow it down too much is going against the grain. It trips an alarm for me whenever they try to control the pace of or force what should be natural.

Why would a guy around your age wanting to find a new partner quicker than a snails pace be a shock and set off red flags ?

Why do you think I'm going at a snail's pace? That's the real question here, how long things take is subjective to each individual - what's the rush to nail down a relationship tomorrow? Again, is someone dying?

A guy 12 years younger than you (ref your age preferences) isn't going to be too keen wading through a load of your interpersonal insecurities..

A guy younger than me has more time to spare, according to the "older/time's running out mentality of the mid life crisis" thing you brought up earlier.

What exactly is it you don't have control of ?

Not much, actually - though I'm not sure what you mean by that, either.

Being cautious is fine .. but you learn a lot more about people when you are close to them and see them in different situations than you do when you are away from them and trying to guess.

How exactly does that apply to me? I can be as close as I want to someone - but I STILL warm up to them when I warm up to them in my own time. Keeping them at arm's length physically doesn't make much of a difference. In fact, being close to them is a better way to learn to trust them over time - doesn't mean I have to give them 100% of myself (or 90%, realistically) unless/until I'm ready to do so.
 woobytoodsday
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 171
Why are we still so afraid to let people in?
Posted: 7/9/2010 3:46:52 PM
I think we're here to learn lessons. If we don't learn 'um, we keep repeating 'um. BUT. . . . I don't want to learn more from a lesson than is there to learn: the cat that sits on a hot stove, will never sit on *any* stove again, even if that stove has the only good view in the house. Me dream is to learn not to sit on hot stoves, and figure out what else I can use a cold one for. . . .

As for others? Not my bidness, I am NOT the boss of them. I just try and recognize the signs signals and indications that they can't/won't/don't. . . . And let them go peacefully on their ways.

 kessick
Joined: 10/9/2010
Msg: 172
Why are we still so afraid to let people in?
Posted: 11/27/2010 5:33:21 PM
I believe that first you have to do the work on yourself before ever thinking of letting others in. This is truly a hard process to be totally honest with yourself and face your faults as to why something didn't work out. Once you have made peace with your own demons then you should have no problem opening up and letting someone in. The risk and reward of finding that true someone always outweighs the fear. Favorite quote "FEAR KNOCKED ON THE DOOR, FAITH ANSWERED ANND THERE WAS NOBODY THERE." Get right with youself and you will have no problem letting others in. It's not them tou don't trust it's usually you . Good luck to all
 karma1160
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 173
Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 11/27/2010 6:35:37 PM
Sometimes I think there is a huge difference between what someone thinks they want and what they need or really want. This creates mass confusion for all of us, I am not sure what the answer is here, maybe one should go through an emotional checklist before dating.

At a certain age people are less likely to actually jump off the diving board, instead they put their foot in the water and pull it out at the first sign of depth.
Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  >