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 Laha Math
Joined: 7/15/2010
Msg: 180
Why are we still so affraid to let people in?Page 7 of 12    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12)
Still? I wouldn't say still. I'd say more.
First, I don't trust people right away so I'm not open. Intimate, yes. Open, no.
Second, I don't trust myself to be a really good judge of character in others.
Third, the older you get the more you have to lose. People who have nothing, youngsters, have nothing to lose.
Fourth, I'm okay being on my own, moreso than when I was young, ignorant (relatively speaking), and inexperienced.
Fifth, older people have histories which reveal what kind of person they've become and I want to find out about a person's history.
Sixth, I've learned a few things over the years and am more cautious.
Finally, I lack the biological imperative which motivated me when I was young.
 friendsonly00
Joined: 3/16/2011
Msg: 181
Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 4/22/2011 9:36:13 AM
i realize i`m only 39 but i had to post this anyway......."Maybe it's not that we are afraid to let people in, maybe we are just less afraid to be alone?". i think that goes for most age groups. MOST people i talk to have a fear of being alone at least on the deepest level. sometimes i think the fear of being alone is what drives most people to want a romantic relationship in the first place. perhaps that`s why people settle for less than they want and are never truly happy because of it. when they should keep looking for the love of their life and not settle for someone they are not in love with just to avoid being alone. i think people of all ages deal with this issue. as people get older i think some get less afraid to be alone and some get more afraid as family members start dying off around them. it effects everyone differently. even at my age, i would rather be alone than be with the wrong person.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 182
Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 4/22/2011 10:29:01 AM
Amen. Maybe when one is young, one can take a chance on what one has -- either in terms of wealth or in terms of personal harmony. Once at a certain age, usually at 50 or over (age subject to change), one has something to protect -- either financial security or personal harmony gained through personal experience.

I'd say that's the sort of old thinking that is responsible for older people having more difficulty finding someone. You can't find someone when if you aren't open to taking risks.

"Maybe it's not that we are afraid to let people in, maybe we are just less afraid to be alone?"

I disagree. I'm not afraid of being alone. I've never gotten married and I was quite happy that way. On the other hand, I've never been afraid of letting anyone in, so when I did meet someone here, I jumped in and didn't worry about it. In general, I think the older people get, the more afraid they become of taking the risk to let someone in.
 c_deacon
Joined: 3/13/2005
Msg: 183
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Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 4/22/2011 10:57:27 AM
I agree friendsonlyoo......

If one is happy and content with themselves, they will have a much less chance of settling because of fear of being alone. Many of us would rather share experiences, but we do not need to make that an absolute.

I can do many things with family and friends, as well as alone, but do enjoy sharing things that life has to offer with those that peak my interest, but there is no need on my part to settle because I think that no one will want to share with me........

For whatever reasons, many of us have built up our walls to protect ourselves, and the important thing to all of this, is what is going on behind those walls. If one is healthy, happy and secure, the walls are there for that reason, but if one has the walls to form a prison, then they are unhealthy and no truly capable of having a relationship with others.

Just because love and life may have hardened me and forced me to take a step back and protect my inner self, does not mean that I do not care, can not be kind, and not able to enjoy others that enter my life, even if I may not ever fall in love with them.

cd........
 northerndreamer
Joined: 6/30/2009
Msg: 184
Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 4/22/2011 1:05:41 PM
Amen. Maybe when one is young, one can take a chance on what one has -- either in terms of wealth or in terms of personal harmony. Once at a certain age, usually at 50 or over (age subject to change), one has something to protect -- either financial security or personal harmony gained through personal experience.

There is always a pre-nup. And I never understand the big issue here. It's somewhat immature to act like your commitment-phobic. My girlfriends and I conclude that men with issues in their 30's are the same men with the same issues in their 50's and 60's. Difference is that women in that age group have moved on and are not needy. So they aren't willing to tolerate it. We are successful, independent, fun and interesting. So not willing to wait around. Either a man is ready- or not. And we move on.
 RRuffner
Joined: 5/21/2011
Msg: 185
Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 7/7/2011 4:11:51 AM
According to Mark Twain, we are the sum of our experiences.

My experiences started around the age of 2 with familial physical abuse. Consequently, trust was something you didn't get from me without proving dependability right off the bat.

It continued into my adoptive family who, not understanding truly what a damaged child they had, resorted to emotional abuse by taunting and humiliting. Good job, cause a child to withdraw a little more.

At the age of 5 I was wishing that the entire world would go away.

At the age of 26, I was sitting on my bed contemplating suicide, and decided that I would go get drunk one last time and drive my motorcycle into a brick wall at about 150+ mph.

But, a cute little blond 18 year old, with a big heart and a definite "blond" personality and IQ (not dissing other blonds out there, but this girl couldn't even READ, I found out later) picked me up, took me home, and rocked my world for 3 straight days.

We didn't stay together long, about 6 months, but she saved me from myself that night, and that started me on the road to recovery.

I've had assorted relationships since then, some ending quickly and not happily, others ending amicably.

Not EVERY relationship has proved to me that (essentially) people can't be trusted, but the very weighty experiential evidence suggests that is the case 95% of the time.

Now that I'm (gasp!) 50+ and looking at that long slide down (or maybe short?) I'm regretting the prayer that was made and answered at the age of 5.

I'm still (sort of) "looking"; I'm here after all!

Will I ever be able to fully trust? I still have hope that I can.

Will I ever be able to connect with a woman that is able AND willing to try? That hope dwindles a bit with each tick of the clock/calendar.

But, I'm still having fun (and hope!) "looking" for that truly trustworthy 5%!
 Ready_Real
Joined: 12/30/2010
Msg: 186
Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 7/7/2011 4:46:12 AM
My 35 year career experiences alone validate all the reasons shared on this thread.
I have neither platitudes (i.e. "When the going gets tough. . . " or "Life is what you make it. . . " ) to offer in responding to this question. Only the first-hand knowledge that people unwilling/incapable of letting the Someones into their lives are missing The Greatest Thing. The Thing that leaves us breathing in color and feeling in sound 24/7. The Thing that makes it impossible for us to ever imagine how/why people can be anything but the best they can be. And happier walking on the planet than the stories in their greatest dreams.
 deere rancher
Joined: 7/9/2008
Msg: 187
Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 7/7/2011 12:50:38 PM
because , .................as we age we learn that its the ones we care about the most ... that can hurt us the most
 Vannili
Joined: 7/8/2008
Msg: 188
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Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 7/7/2011 2:45:03 PM

Why are we still affraid to let people in?


The door is not lock , they can just turn the knob and let them self in with their own risk....
 mateo45
Joined: 1/17/2008
Msg: 189
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Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 7/7/2011 4:56:10 PM
I don't mind an "open door" and even a little "risk". It's when they post that little sign over the door that says, "Abandon hope all ye who enter here"...!
 onlysoulshine
Joined: 2/6/2011
Msg: 190
Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 7/7/2011 8:09:48 PM
I'm NOT afraid! I could tell you a bunch of horror stories that would make Jerry Springer's ears stand up, but WHY? It's all in the past and I live for today (now) I find that being true to myself is where it begins. Afterall, if you can't be true to yourself, who can you be true to? I have no expectations and get no disappointments! In my little corner of the world, it's all good!

I think a lot of people are tainted from past experiences and just can't get past them, so instead of opening their hearts to life, they close up for fear of further pain. Taking chances is what life is all about. How will you ever know if you don't try? I chalk it up to learning experiences and find that in every bad thing that happened, something good came from it (yes, in every instance) Sometimes we have to look really hard, but every cloud does have a silver lining!

Come on people, let your souls shine!
 RRuffner
Joined: 5/21/2011
Msg: 191
Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 7/7/2011 9:57:52 PM
I appreciate your optimism but have one, little, tiny correction (pardon me):

Life IS about staying 'safe': its LIVING that is about taking chances.

We save our lives, we bank and invest our strength, we shore up our weaknesses, we create safety for our day's of resting. Life is a consolidation of resources, it is about staying 'safe'.

LIVING requires us to get out of that safe hidey-hole, to get into the world where there are things we can't control, things/situations/people that might endanger us AND/OR can be added into our Life.

If you are "Living" for safety, ultimately your life is wasted.
If your Life is "taking chances", odds are you won't have it too long.

It's good to have a balanced mix of both - I'm not there yet, but trying!

 onlysoulshine
Joined: 2/6/2011
Msg: 192
Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 7/7/2011 10:49:59 PM
I stand corrected on some and agree to disagree on other's. Life is SIMPLE....I let it be just that!
 Ready_Real
Joined: 12/30/2010
Msg: 193
Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 7/8/2011 5:26:27 AM
"Intimate, yes. Open, no"

The above is one of the saddest lines I've ever read. . .
 mateo45
Joined: 1/17/2008
Msg: 194
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Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 7/8/2011 7:20:13 AM
Maybe they just meant that their sense of "intimacy" has limits, but I agree, it doesn't sound too good!

"Intimacy" (the emotional kind) and what it means is a tough subject. And how many of us can actually really "do" it, even when you get past the typical issues of "chemistry", values, compatibility, etc.?!

To paraphrase what a psychiatrist friend once told me, "it's actually a pretty scary thought to merge your sense of self with someone else's. And then, where do they end and you begin, and how to avoid "losing" yourself" in the process?"
 Ready_Real
Joined: 12/30/2010
Msg: 195
Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 7/8/2011 2:36:38 PM
For mateo45,

If it's the real thing, this entire thread becomes moot because when you have "the real thing," you just enjoy it with zero worries/hesitations/caveats/limitations/definitions.

Think of those (relatively:) old couples who have celebrated 50 or 60 years together. The ones who still hold hands, look into each other's eyes, smile, and just fit like two pieces of a whole. Sure. They've had their challenges over the decades. But if you ask them what has kept them together, they generally reply something along the lines of, "We just are."

Granted. These people are very blessed to have such a rare kind of romantic love. But heck: don't they have the stuff of which dreams are made? And what happens to us humans if/when we lose our dreams?
 mateo45
Joined: 1/17/2008
Msg: 196
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Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 7/8/2011 6:46:34 PM
Oh, no question, that's a charming example and a fine goal. But I'd also imagine those are the kind of folks who each already had a reasonably healthy sense of "self" and their own personalities to begin with, before they could successfully integrate with another's.

One of my "pet peeves" in the dating arena, and especially online, is we compare all sorts of things like age, height, kids, marital status, whatever, and we all look for the right "chemistry", etc.. But it's always with the assumption that we're all basically seeking the same thing... emotional (and presumably sexual) "intimacy".

Not only do I think that's a false "assumption", but the fact of the matter is there's also an awful lot of folks running around out there who just couldn't do "intimacy" if their life depended on it (in fact it scares the bejeezus out of 'em)! And I can tell you from experience, that the "inability to do intimacy" can "fail" a relationship just as effectively as infidelity, abuse, "money", "sex" or any other reasons (which often end up being just the "excuses" anyway)!

If you have any doubts, just read some of the arguments in defense of "Dating" in the many threads re: Dating vs Longterm?
 Floramac
Joined: 7/7/2011
Msg: 197
Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 7/11/2011 2:13:05 AM
........some don't want to leave.............
 BlueTeaPot
Joined: 6/25/2011
Msg: 198
Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 7/11/2011 2:51:09 AM
I am not jaded...cautious maybe but still willing to look and be amazed....either at how other people think they can treat other human beingings...or how they do treat me.

I want to find love. So am willing to look around. See who is out there and see how and if they would fit into my life and maybe I fit into theirs.

Am looking for the person to sit on the veranda with me in 30 years time...until then we have a lot of living to do!

Most of us have done the 9 yards in learning about ourselves, and those who havent keep on working....its worth it in the end!



Do not be afraid. Afterall, there is JOY in life too!
 valenciacityx
Joined: 3/10/2009
Msg: 199
Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 7/11/2011 7:40:29 AM
Its not fear - its mitigated risk
and the first hit is a social media check
then a criminal NAC check
then a meet,
then a public records check
a guarded interview with full notice of red flags
and then a long spell of silence waiting for that round to drop in the chamber that tells you this one aint worth it, she is not a good fit, or more often - she was somehow offended by something I said - meh

Its an obstacle course - because I am not giving up my time, my freedom, and possible half my stuff, to Sally Jo Ho down the street.
but in fairness, you girls must do a similar gymnastics - you just are afraid to admit it.
The ROI on it is just too much cost for way too little benefit., way too often.
 ARMYMANFORYOU
Joined: 11/12/2009
Msg: 200
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Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 8/31/2011 6:43:49 PM
Why are people on dating site if all they want to do is turn people down causing harm to good caring people who want to meet someone
 Perigee123
Joined: 7/14/2009
Msg: 201
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Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 9/1/2011 5:39:07 AM
Why are people on dating site if all they want to do is turn people down causing harm to good caring people who want to meet someone


Well, that's a telling post, right there.

And I'm not sure the thread question isn't of the same nature; "Defend your refusal to be unselective." It's a trick question, like, "Why are you still so 'affraid' to be homosexual?"

Or, "Why are you so 'affraid' to date ARMYMANFORYOU?"

Or "Why are you so 'affraid' to have sex on the first date?"

Or "Why are you so 'affraid' to buy a Dodge?"

Just because you don't doesn't mean that you are weak - that you are 'affraid.' You just don't choose to - and that's allowed.

You don't need to be a little hurt birdie to choose who you have affinity for. Everyone does not have the unalienable right to come slouching into every corner of your life; - you're a person, not a WalMart.

Yeah - by the time you reach this forum, you've collected your battle scars in love. You've piled up plenty in all the other aspects of your life, too. By the question's logic, you should be one great big bundle of wrinkly fears.
 Kevjohns
Joined: 8/9/2011
Msg: 202
Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 9/5/2011 6:02:21 PM
Been, we all know there are some vindictive, bitter, horrible women out there. But there are some great women out there. You simply need to be selective before you just let ANYBODY into your life.
 Kevjohns
Joined: 8/9/2011
Msg: 203
Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 9/6/2011 6:30:17 AM
Tennessee has a few, you just need to get out more.
 JustRightGuy
Joined: 6/23/2007
Msg: 204
Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 9/8/2011 3:51:35 PM
In the field of NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming) there is a presupposition that says: There is a positive intention behind all behaviors. That means that all behaviors are unconsciously driven to PROTECT or accomplish something POSITIVE for the individual. In more conventional psychology this is called a "Secondary Gain".

Most lay public have difficulty separating a BEHAVIOR from an OUTCOME. On a conscious level they would like to date or be part of a couple. But on an unconscious level they generate behaviors that keep themselves out of a relationship because an unconscious part of them has learned that this BEHAVIOR will provide the OUTCOME of protection.

The BEHAVIOR of not responding to emails provides the OUTCOME of not getting your feelings hurt.

In NLP we "fix" this situation by negotiating with the unconscious mind. We ask it to find new BEHAVIORS that will provide the same OUTCOME. The new BEHAVIORS must be more consciously acceptable than the old BEHAVIOR, and it must be as effective and available at providing the the same OUTCOME (protection).

In other words, this is an UNCONSCIOUS issue, and in order to overcome it rapidly, it must be dealt with at an UNCONSCIOUS level. Talking about it endlessly (on a conscious level) isn't going to eliminate the problem. It will, however, create lots of frustration.
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