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Show ALL Forums  > Sex and Dating  > Do ex-lovers make the best opposite-sex friends?      Home login  
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 newblue1970
Joined: 3/7/2008
Msg: 1
Do ex-lovers make the best opposite-sex friends?Page 3 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
In replying to another thread I got to thinking about remaining friends with ex-lovers, whether they were FWB, or short term or long term relationships. I have a number of female friends and 3 of them are women I slept with. But now we are just friends, and can comfortably hang out and talk about anything - dating, sex, anything... Do other people do the same?

And what do you tell a current SO? They know about the friendships, but should they know it was physical, even if it was 20 yrs ago? On one hand, you feel comfortable with this friend physically since you previously had sex with them, which could scare your current SO. But on the other hand they are an EX, so you've already 'tasted that fruit' and decided it wasnt good and hence you arent together.

Also, is this kind of friendship a way around the 'When Harry Met Sally' lesson that "Men and women cant be freinds, the sex part gets in the way." Since you've already done the sex part, there would be no sexual tension wondering what it would be like.
 nexthyme
Joined: 9/12/2007
Msg: 2
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Do ex-lovers make the best opposite-sex friends?
Posted: 10/30/2008 8:17:40 AM
This is a tough one.

Some people can work this stuff out fine. I'm friends with my ex spouse, because we have a son that we are raising. He's met my Bf, and has even suggested we go places that my ex and I would take my son, my bf declines.

I have several ex bf that I am still friends with, however we only speak on the phone, and don't go further than that. I generally have these conversation with my BF in the same room, because I don't have anything to hide.

If it was 20 yrs back, seems like you can say you briefly dated, but NOT go into detail unless asked. 20 yrs is a LONG TIME to have a friend, and not have gone back to the well.

I don't know, some people can't handle this kind of stuff and get insanely jealous.
 GreenEyesGoldenLocks
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 3
Do ex-lovers make the best opposite-sex friends?
Posted: 10/30/2008 4:41:29 PM
I would not want to hang out with anyone my boyfriend (if I had one) had slept with and I dont expect he would either. now I am all for fwb during a dry spell but its always with the understanding if either person gets serious then hanging out stops, I dont want there to be any doubts as to my faithfulness.
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 4
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Do ex-lovers make the best opposite-sex friends?
Posted: 10/30/2008 7:25:28 PM
Some do........Some don't

A couple of my ex's were very good friends before we tried the relationship thing...and made promises that we would remain friends if the relationship didn't work out. And we have. One in particular.....we have been friends for 30 some years.....and only had a relationship for 9 months....I truly believe the friendship is far more important than the small "blip" of a sexual relationship we had.

As for future b/f's....they might want to get used to the idea of me having male friends.....cuz I have alot of them I've made thru the years.....and yes, sometimes, we are probably gonna party together when we run into each other at the local bar.
If my man is with me when this happens.......I will always make it clear he is my man....I will sit next to him and give him the same attention I would if it was a girlfriend w/ us instead of a guy friend.
 nstyblkmn
Joined: 10/11/2008
Msg: 5
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Do ex-lovers make the best opposite-sex friends?
Posted: 10/30/2008 7:47:24 PM
I think that if you were freinds as lovers , you should be able to maintain the freindship. For me the bottom line is :I dont care what they say when we're intimate, the vagina belongs to them.
 gopherboy1976
Joined: 10/17/2008
Msg: 6
Do ex-lovers make the best opposite-sex friends?
Posted: 10/30/2008 10:53:31 PM
I've experienced all sides of this coin!! ?

I am still friends (and take pride in it a little) with quite a number of my ex's. We'd usually been friends a long time before dating and most of the times we've remained friends after relatioships. Atleast 2 ex's are now married and we don't have problems getting together, husbands included. No feelings of threat to their marraige (Well none that I know of )
I've also had to walk away from others due to mixed feelings, other guys getting involved or them making it difficult.

And the best thing I can say is I've had several ex's (who are friends to each other too) in the same room together and all make jokes about "personal" details of our relatioships and usually giggle amongst themselves as they compare notes just to wind me up (for fun that is).

I've always been open with my previously relationships to any g/f. I feel it just makes for better trust when your partner knows all they want to know about a situation so they never have to worry about feelings or intentions if meeting or talking with an ex.
 newblue1970
Joined: 3/7/2008
Msg: 7
Do ex-lovers make the best opposite-sex friends?
Posted: 10/31/2008 7:31:36 AM

Not necessarily. It's more likely to be Girl-Think vs. Guy-Think.


Chancelore, m_church and Nucking - do you HONESTLY think this way? That any women how isnt a virgin for you is 'used' and that she is now 'leftovers'? Do you actually get dates or have girlfriends with that attitude??

Anyway, I guess it does depend on the nature of the original relationship. A FWB should easily be able to move back to just being a friend. The fling I had 20 yrs ago is real old news, but she is now married and moved back to the area a few yrs ago. I havent told my SO about the previously physical nature of these friendships because they wont be physical again and I am faithful to her. But once a month or so I'll get together (alone) with one of these friends and have dinner or something.

Another question is, if the new SO doesnt like it what would you do? Do they have a right to tell you who your friends can be? If you've had a friend for 5 yrs that you slept with previously, and your current 3-month, 6-month or whatever SO is uncomfortble with it, do you dump that old friend? I really hate the idea of someone telling me who I can be friends with.

And yes, I was leaving out the exes as friends when kids are involved, because that relationship will never be over.
 Blondecharmthe3rd
Joined: 8/7/2008
Msg: 8
Do ex-lovers make the best opposite-sex friends?
Posted: 10/31/2008 8:27:03 PM
My closest friend (besides my SO) is an ex-lover. There is something to be said for it, and I am just very grateful my SO understands our closeness without being concerned it will go back to a sexual thing.

Is there still sexual attraction? Yes, there is BUT with the idea that we don't intend to revisit it. Its nice to have a friend that appreciates you as a person but as a sensual being.
 newblue1970
Joined: 3/7/2008
Msg: 9
Do ex-lovers make the best opposite-sex friends?
Posted: 11/1/2008 2:05:12 PM

So basically you're saying you're cheating (albeit not sexually at the moment ) on your SO with a previous FWB...
You might not see it as cheating, although I bet you do or you would be including your SO in things... And I'm sure your SO would see it as cheating.... ]/quote]

Sorry, but its not cheating. Cheating lies in actions and deception. My SO knows these women are my friends (and thats all they are now - just FRIENDS.) She knows when I see them. I tell her about their husbands or boyfriends or kids. I just havent told her everything about the past. Do you disclose every detail of your past sexual exploits, with names and dates and places?

As for including my SO, you would have a point if I was purposely excluding her. But she has kids, I have kids, we work full time jobs and schedules are difficult to match up. And since we dont live right next door to each other, we only see each other once or twice a week. My SO may meet them someday - I have nothing against it.
 newblue1970
Joined: 3/7/2008
Msg: 10
Do ex-lovers make the best opposite-sex friends?
Posted: 11/3/2008 7:15:03 AM

He said he'd probably be pissed off, and that then he'd make up a reason and dump her a few days later.

Chimera describes the exact immaturity that Rock Man is talking about. So a relationship could be going along fine, even though the guy knows she wasnt a virgin. Then, as soon as one of her previous guys becomes a 'real' person, then its time to dump her? How ridiculous is that?? Its also just as immature for the guys at that party who were all joking and laughing about it. I sure hope those guys that laugh take their 'non-virgin' girl somewhere and run into a previous BF of hers! Grow up already...

Don't you guys have better things to do than to get all worked up over this?
 GreenEyesGoldenLocks
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 11
Do ex-lovers make the best opposite-sex friends?
Posted: 11/14/2008 7:50:30 AM
my 2 cents. if my boyfirend (position as of yet unfilled) has had sex with someone I dont want them in his life unless they have kids together. I just dont want to know people who have shared that side of him. people talk about the past when they are together and if I ever had to hear dont you love it when he... or has he gotten any better at... I would not deal well with that. on the flip side I never want to introduce 2 people who have seen me naked.
 w/ehappenz
Joined: 11/12/2008
Msg: 12
Do ex-lovers make the best opposite-sex friends?
Posted: 11/15/2008 1:27:28 PM
My previous g/f and i were going out for 2 and a half years, and because of work and school and her being so needy we decided to just not be together. Since it was mutual we are still friends and she has slept around with a few guys since then but she comes to me and says you treated me so much better. I say to myself yea but you are a great person you are a sweet heart, but we just are not that compatible anymore. We still talk to each other about everything and anything. She is in the process of going out with another guy and i just told her that i wish it works out and if her b/f wanted to know about anything to just let me know. Also my ex and i have a puppy together and the dog loves me more than her but i can't have it in my house.

You can be friends with Xs but it all depends on the reason for the relationship ending.
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