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 compleat_man
Joined: 10/3/2008
Msg: 47
Use of Anger to get On'es Way? (manipulation tactic..)Page 2 of 9    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)
I generally do NOT get angry because it feels very emotionally draining and not productive..

however there ARE people who can use anger to get their way..people become so afraid of them blowing their tops that they will give in to them constantly to AVOID them "going ballistic"..

In that sense I am sure there are manypeople who "use" anger as a manipulation and control mechanism.

they can get angry and virtually imply or threaten phyisical violence/intimidation.

funny how I have noticed this used a LOT more against physically smaller or weaker people, whom the bully assumes is afraid of them.

I don't believe, in mots cases, that it is "uncontrollable anger" because the same people RARELY would get that way with someone like Mike Tyson, a Gracie brother (MMA champs) or a cop wearing a gun, Taser, & Mace, for example..

so anger CAN "work" for some people..in a sense..until people just start avoiding them totally.

also you see MANY 'angry' people on POF because it is much easier to display anger at a remote distance (over the internet, e-mail, or telephone) than it is face-to-face, in person.

(doesn't take much courage to get 'angry' here..)
 compleat_man
Joined: 10/3/2008
Msg: 50
Use of Anger to get On'es Way? (manipulation tactic..)
Posted: 11/8/2008 9:51:45 AM
"anger is NOT a control mechanism or to threaten someone. I'ts just simply the "result" of stress. Thats all. Nothing more ..nothing less."

^^^^

and if I dare say otherwise, you'll get angry at me? :)

funny how some people can blame 'stress' when the' stress' they face is fairly MINOR(e.g. a minor tracffic jam, delayed flight, a bar being out of their favorite brand of beer, etc., etc.) and totally go ballistic & blow their tops..

..other people can be Wall Street traders, Commodity traders, air traffic contollers, military, etc., or even US President, and face at least 1,000 X the stress, and not blow their tops..face things and deal with them calmly & rationally..

many people don't control their anger because they have never faced negative consequences for blowing their tops..like maybe getting the crap kicked out of them, or going to jail, or getting divorced..people and family around them just "accomodate" them and 'walk on eggshells' to avoid their 'anger'..

and they can 'blame' something or someone else.. e.g. "I'm Irish so I have a temper can't control"; "I learned this way to 'deal' from my parents/home life", etc., etc.

(I've heard these actual 'excuses' before from 'adult babies' (55 year olds acting less mature than most 5 year olds would..) who just love to blow their tops and scream over the most MINOR things..)
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 56
view profile
History
Anger in a relationship, or in life in general...
Posted: 11/8/2008 2:37:12 PM
Anger is very much a part of the human condition and existence. The most harmful thing to do is to deny or repress, as it can lead to breakdown of physical systems and affect a person's mental and physical health.

It's a measure of how successful someone will be in life as to how they learn to express and cope with anger as well as the other "negative" emotions. Like fear, anger serves a purpose, there are things we should be angry at or with it's a matter of finding an expression that does not cause harm and seek to move towards resolution or change.

To some extent, I believe everyone "does" anger, as for being a generally angry person I'm not. As often as not, when I do get angry it seems at least a portion of it is directed at myself. I try to learn from that and have and grown from it. It sucks to be mad at yourself, because you can't get away....haha. I do feel that in dealing with my anger at myself, it has made me more patient and less likely to angry at others. There's only rare instances that produce anger that we ourselves have no part in. I think if we'd deal with our anger with ourselves first, it does make the other part of the anger a little easier to deal with. Reason being, we can control/change something in ourselves, so we're better equipped to deal with someone else that we can't control/change. It seems to make sense to me....
 justme1201
Joined: 7/22/2007
Msg: 57
Use of Anger to get On'es Way? (manipulation tactic..)
Posted: 11/8/2008 2:47:13 PM
Yes... emotional vampires... there is a question for a whole different thread... how to spot the emotional vampire before they suck all energy out of you?... will post that soon...:)


Red, this is an excellent topic as well. In fact, reading the responses here and thinking about "angry" people reminded me of one of the first people I encountered here on POF ... his angry personality was quite apparent in our very first (and only) IM as he was obsessed about a situation that he was angry about. When I called him on it, and told him I didn't think we'd be compatible because of his anger, he got angry (of course) and seemed to think I was telling him he didn't have a "right" to be angry. That wasn't the point, of course.. it was that he was so obsessed, he couldn't discuss anything else. I closed that IM and walked away, fast.

There are people that get angry, and then there are angry people. There IS a difference.
 rosyrosyrosy
Joined: 7/8/2007
Msg: 62
Anger in a relationship, or in life in general...
Posted: 11/8/2008 11:22:36 PM
I'm not an angry person at all. However, can become angry when pushed to the limit.

For eg. once, years ago, I decided I would slap my ex h across the face, IMO it was deserved for all the crap I had to endure up until that point. I honestly didn't think he would retaliate ~ but he did, he hit me back a couple of times and I fell down on the concrete and ripped my favourite cardigan ~ and that's the part that made me really angry!

The next bit was better though, as he thought I would ring the police and lodge a restraining order against him seeing the kids or something similar ~ however, that was not my point. My point was to finally fight back after all the disrespect he had dished out. I forgot about the whole incident a day or so later and have not mentioned it again until now! The fact that he was so scared after doing something so cowardly was a sufficient outcome to say the least. Any money, he hasn't told his fiance that little incident! (Now that does make me sound like an angry person!!!)

I think being angry usually means you have been harbouring thoughts and feelings for a long time and eventually they bubble over and an outburst is a result of not addressing those feelings in a more appropriate manner.

I have heard that people generally divide into being angry or being sad ~ both are natural feelings to have, however I guess its when those feelings spill out to being an impact to yourself or others is when you need to seek some advice
 dysfunction_junction
Joined: 7/17/2008
Msg: 66
Anger in a relationship, or in life in general...
Posted: 11/9/2008 3:24:01 AM
i can understand a couple of guys getting drunk & stupid in a bar and getting into a fight, but BF/GF? or husband/wife? that's really sick & twisted. it's also mean and irresponsible. and dysfunctional as hell. if you feel like you've put up with "so much crap" in the relationship that your next best option is to slap them, then why didn't you leave a month ago?

i was in an abusive relationship once and i never even struck back at that S.O.B. my revenge was cold, methodical, and large.... like an iceberg tearing a hole in 3" steel plate.

i win!

no violence or drama necessary.
 Z2million
Joined: 8/7/2008
Msg: 68
Anger in a relationship, or in life in general...
Posted: 11/9/2008 5:19:33 AM
No.......I don't do anger.......learned a long time ago.......it serves no purpose…..do get frustrated over ignorance at times……but not angry

It’s all a matter of how we define ourselves…….and choosing at any given time….if our reactions are who we want to be…..are we reacting out of fear or out of love….and choosing who we are at that given time.

One basic premise is that…….we are never angry……for the reason we believe.

How anger erupts on the surface at any given time only relates back to unresolved issues from our past which is the real reason we are angry.
 MyFunIsAnArtForm
Joined: 7/29/2007
Msg: 71
Anger in a relationship, or in life in general...
Posted: 11/9/2008 11:34:00 AM
To keep it simple, this is a dating site. If you see someone you have to change, run! You need to educate yourself how to recognize it and not put yourself in a bad situation.
 theforumfiend
Joined: 10/21/2007
Msg: 74
Use of Anger to get On'es Way? (manipulation tactic..)
Posted: 11/9/2008 1:53:19 PM
"this thread is not about striking someone. its about anger. try to keep the subject as it is. which of the men in here who wish to strike a woman is another thread. go discuss it elsewhere and get back to the anger issue."

Talk about striking another person is a natural part of any discussion on anger. The poster that started it had stated that she had slapped her husband. The responses were not abut men wishing to strike women, just how they would/should handle it.

As for women that strike men I don't advocate hitting them back. If a man hits a woman we are advised to report it and press charges. I think more women would think twice if men heeded the same advice and pressed charges.

Edit: " Forgiveness is far more powerful and reaching than anything.
It stops us from becoming evil...and having to forgive ourselves for something we have done thats been motivated by anger and fear..."

Kyn, that is serious food for thought.
 theforumfiend
Joined: 10/21/2007
Msg: 76
Use of Anger to get On'es Way? (manipulation tactic..)
Posted: 11/9/2008 2:31:15 PM
The thing girldiver is that you didn't strike. When I feel that angry and helpless is when I am more likely to cry.

As for cheating partners, I have never been able to blame the person they were cheating on me with. Why? Because no matter what the person "did" to "entice" the person I was involved with it still boiled down to their choice. It told me that I didn't mean as much to that person as they did to me.
 read only
Joined: 8/22/2008
Msg: 80
Use of Anger to get On'es Way? (manipulation tactic..)
Posted: 11/9/2008 8:39:35 PM
I would never strike male or female. Yes I have never been in a fight. It is pointless.

Once I start seeing or hearing anger consistantly, I usually hit the road. There is no place for it. Talk to me and tell me what it is that bothers you and we will work it out.
 nocatchyname
Joined: 1/15/2007
Msg: 82
Anger in a relationship, or in life in general...
Posted: 11/9/2008 9:44:41 PM

If I never know anger, I'll never notice happiness because I won't have anything in which to judge it against, or balnce it out to.

To me, the opposite of happiness is sadness... but, that's just how I see it.

With my oldest, I am going through many troubles with her. It's a great learning experiance on emotions, being she is only 5 and learning how to express herself. First off, I'm definitely not an expert on emotions or expressing them, and I know I'm not the best role model for her. But it's very interesting seeing how she reacts to certain situations (and is heartbreaking to see her emulate me sometimes). We (myself and outside sources) are trying to figure out what is going on to make her act the way she does. Without going into too much detail, it mainly has to do with angry outlashes, and being very aggressive. I know a lot of it could do with what she's gone through in her short life already, but we can't change the past, only work towards the future. This means figuring out these issues, and trying our best to fix them. Unfortunately, she doesn't seem to understand why she acts the way she does, so it's very much trial and error.

The teacher suggested (after my oldest had mentioned how well her younger sister was doing in school) that maybe it had to do with jealousy. They had been working on giving special attention and a reward program at school. It hadn't seemed to be helping. With this idea, I set up a special reward program at home. I started last Wednesday, and it seems to have helped a lot. It's a start anyway.

So the point behind the ramble on, is that we can all be like 5 year olds at times. Not understanding our emotions (I'll fully admit to having that issue on occassion), and using one inward emotion and reflecting it with a completely different outward emotion.

So, I agree with you Red, also realizing that sometimes sadness is expressed as anger. I think a large majority of people don't need to ever really study or read up on emotions, and therefore can be easily confused by them. Even still, I believe that people can still live happy lives, even when confusing their emotions, given it's not extreme.
 Adam Taylor
Joined: 5/11/2006
Msg: 84
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History
Anger in a relationship, or in life in general...
Posted: 11/10/2008 6:30:51 AM
No, I don't *do* anger.
I rarely ever get angry. Mainly because, there's little point to it.
Someone would have to seriously cross the line to get me mad. But that doesn't generally happen, as if they were getting close to that line... we'd be discussing things anyway. And resolving them before it becomes a "fight".


Why is it that you don't do the anger?

Because it doesn't help a situation. You can get angry, and make things worse.
Or you can keep your head, and calmly discuss things, and work out any issues you might have.


How do you overcome the impulse to act in such a way (I assume that we all get pissed off sometimes, but it does not mean that we all *do anger*)?

I can get annoyed. I can be upset.
But generally, I don't loose my anger on someone... because it's not fair to them for the most part.
If my love does something that upsets me, I'll tell her. No yelling or anything. Just letting her know honestly how I feel. And how the things she's done have affected me.
This lets us resolve the issue, and avoid it in future. With no pain caused to either side.

If someone does something horrid... like cheating or whatever... I don't get angry.
Because they're not worth it. I leave them behind, and move on.


Have you ever been in a relationship with an angry one, and how did you handle it?

Yes, I've been with a couple of ladies who *did* anger.
And it didn't last. I can't be with someone who can't control themselves. I don't have a problem with someone getting a little upset now and then. But if being angry is a regular thing... then there's a problem.
After being with a woman who'd take out her anger at the world by slapping me around and throwing things... well... I've learned to simply not put up with it. I deserve better.

I'm not saying my love can't ever get angry. It happens. And I'm not perfect, so I know I'll mess up once in a while. We all do. We're only human.
But, if she was the type to get angry without justifiable cause... who would get angry often, over little things... well... I wouldn't be with her.
 GeneralizingNow
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 86
Anger in a relationship, or in life in general...
Posted: 11/10/2008 10:44:05 AM
I am going to answer without reading all the rest so as not to be influenced.
=====================

Yes, I am quick to anger. But I'm not an "angry person"--I'm an affable goof. Except when I'm not.

It somehow gets out the bad energy that I feel, and then it's gone.

But now I need to qualify what "anger" is: it's an expression of an emotion inside me--it may be prompted by things other people do, but it's not really ABOUT them. I feel it at the moment--I'm very intense--but it's not a smoldering, lingering thing that flares up, then goes back down, then flares up again. I am quick to calm down, and never hold a grudge. I know some people are taken aback sometimes when, say, I'm playing volleyball and express anger, and then when we talk about the game I don't even remember the play. That's because I got rid of the anger, and don't hold onto it.

My family all have no problems expressing ANY emotion--if we're happy, you know it, if we're sad, you know it, if we're angry, you know it.

It was only a problem [for him] in one relationship, though, so I don't see it as a huge character flaw. It is a character trait, though.
=============
Allrighty, I just read some of the posts. I get the feeling that a lot of people who don't express anger feel they are superior to those that do. I beg to differ. I also see a lot of people saying "No, I don't get angry, well, EXCEPT when..." So you DO, so own up to it. ALL emotions are valid emotions, it's OK to be angry sometimes. I agree that violence--hitting someone else, banging holes in walls with fists--is not healthy. But hitting a pillow sure is. I do NOT agree that bottling up one's emotions is good for either your BP or your soul. If you truly are tranquil *all* the time, I wonder about your investment in life.
 LonelyHarleyMan
Joined: 7/25/2008
Msg: 96
Anger in a relationship, or in life in general...
Posted: 11/11/2008 7:11:29 PM
Well a lot of times they are like that to get someone else's women, after many years with the same women we often take things for granted or are not as appreciative as she would desire and others take advantage of this situation and ruin the existing relationship just for the heck of it.

And how can you actually deal with this, a new person, seems nicer then yours to be, compliments her but after all the only thing he/she wants his ... do we need a design and usually after they got what they wanted they become an A-hole and from there nothing goes and what are we suppose to be, the one who will resign and take the person back, seriously a lot of times we should look around us and notice what we have, because in the end the grass is always greener someplace else.
 WanderingRain
Joined: 3/9/2008
Msg: 98
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History
Anger in a relationship, or in life in general...
Posted: 11/12/2008 12:38:36 AM
Many good opinions on here. wow.


If you answered "no" :
Why is it that you don't do the anger?
How do you overcome the impulse to act in such a way (I assume that we all get pissed off sometimes, but it does not mean that we all *do anger*)?
Have you ever been in a relationship with an angry one, and how did you handle it?


I used to be an angrier person. But I would not be angry outwardly. I would simmer and just be resentful. Most of the posts on here mention it's a negative emotion and does waste precious energy. It does.
Today, I no longer get sick the way I used to. The new outlook combined with a healthy diet has made me healthier than when I was in my teens and 20's -- no kidding.

OVercoming comes easy for me now. AFter all, as mentioned in previous posts, when we look at these piddling little matters, how does it compare to someone who wakes up without food or shelter each day? Guys my age on the other side of the world sleep with rifles or are dead.
It's just a matter of seeing how good a life we are leading.
The only thing that sets me off -- again like most here-- is injustice of any kind. When someone is being trampled on -- that I cannot let go.

Can't say I've been with much angry people. When I detect how they are, I do decrease my presence in their midst almost unconciously. Who wants to be with negative persons? Life is too short to waste with constantly angry people. I'd rather be with happy persons all the time.
 Smithiam
Joined: 1/19/2006
Msg: 100
Anger in a relationship, or in life in general...
Posted: 11/12/2008 11:36:51 AM
I have issues that are a cause of concern in my relationships and how women respond to me in general ive been in relationships were we have been together for two years
and for some reason the girl whom im with at some acts like they are tired of me.I'm not a cheater i treat women with respect and i do things for them and i try to make them feel special but some how...:(....I still get thrown under the bus and that what ive been going these last few years.I kind feel like almost all black women do this and i most be a dry boring black kind of like a geek....and sex none of the women ive dated
have been honest about my performance they will talk about me behind my back and i later find out or....they will make sort of an off color joke or statement and claim it's not about me.I can take a hint that i dont please them well enough and that's a red flag
There's one lady here on this site that found of interest and this women had the nerve
to give me a number that was out of service!!! If you arent interested the least you can do is not respond and not reply dont give a fake phone to let me know
that you arent feeling me for some reason it's disrespectful and immature black women
are famous for this kind of stupidity.
 ImAHotMess
Joined: 7/11/2008
Msg: 103
Anger in a relationship, or in life in general...
Posted: 11/14/2008 5:02:19 AM
I think sometimes as far as I am concerned people mis understand my bluntness for being angry...lmfao I am just one of those who say how I feel no matter what. I am not angry, I actually love my life. I have a great situation with getting an education and am getting very far in life. I miss having someone in my life, but it is not necessary. Sometimes I become irriated at people's behavior or decisions, but that is just normal human nature. Angry? Nawwwww Life has too much to offer. :)
 GoneSailinBabe
Joined: 7/6/2008
Msg: 104
Anger in a relationship, or in life in general...
Posted: 11/14/2008 5:21:08 AM
It's been years since I felt real anger, for a legitimate and valid reason. Temper used to be a powerful, roiling feeling inside me...I"m not sure why. I was also very...internalized. I think I held alot of hostility inside of me, and didn't act on it, but felt it. Toward my parents, toward my town, toward my life and what had happened to it...then....after the divorce? It was like....gone. I had one really irrational moment of spontaneous rage - and I did a really insanely foolish and stupid act. Totally unlike me. Entirely against my nature, my beliefs, even my feelings at the time - I just reacted and went with it. The result was total annihilation and destruction.

Sort of like - you had your finger on the big RED button and then you pushed it - blew half the Earth away and then went.... "hmmmmm I think that may have been a bit too much".

Recently, a POF love disappointed me. Deeply.
I was really hurt.
And once more I felt bitterness and rage really rising up inside of me.

I was feeling hostile. Raw emotion.
I vented my spleen on some folks in the forums - who were innocent of any malice to me, but I was in pain and pissed so.....

I used words.
Now my weapon of choice when I'm mad apparently.

It was a brief anger.
And not very productive.

I have found that I am such a do-er. That for me to indulge in moments that are not productive....such as spending time napping, or crying, or in anger....those are not accomplishing anything.

I value accomplishment.
I disapprove of waste.

Anger has become a waste of time in my life.
So has sorrow and grief.

I have cried more recently than I have allowed myself to in many years. And I"ve disliked every moment of what I felt was my own personal weakness. My inability to remain in control emotionally, while experiencing this disappointment in the man I had fallen in love with,

I experienced anger at myself. For being so gullible, vulnerable and weak as to not recognize and know the reality of how he was or would be to me.

I was angry at him. For his ability to con me and for his inability to be a better man than he actually was in reality.

I was angry at the lack of knowledge. Why didn't he just communicate? Why wasn't he simply upfront and honest? etc., etc, etc.,

Wasted days, nights, and weeks spent in anger, sadness, grief, rage, nothing productive...lost moments of life that I'm not going to get back again.

My choice.

I'm always an opportunist. I am always an optimist. And one who rarely gives up or gives in.

To me - these indulgences in fits of emotion are wasted time.
I don't "do" them.
And really will do my best to make certain I "do" them even less than once every 10 - 15 years in the remaining time I have left in life.

Step 1: Avoid men as an entire gender.
Step 2: Avoid women.
Step 3: Allow only children of my womb to visit.
Step 4: Get a larger dog.
Step 5: Find happiness in "ohm"
Step 6: Never be without chocolate and wine.

 compleat_man
Joined: 10/3/2008
Msg: 105
Anger in a relationship, or in life in general...
Posted: 11/14/2008 8:59:51 AM
"Anger can be a very constructive energy.

Anger can be very positive, the catalyst for human evolution was competitiveness, violence, anger, without any of these impulses none of us would be here typing in this forum today."

true, but the operative phrase is "can be"..not "is always"..

"can also be" very destructive..

was Adolf Hitler's 'anger' at 'non-aryans' a "constructive thing" ?

or any racial/religious/ethnic group's hatred of others?

when you feel, for example, another car has cut you off, or come within 30 feet of your precious 'space', so you explode into "road rage" and try to 'get back' at him/her by driving like a crazy loon, possibly causing a collision and loss of lives & limbs..

is THAT 'constructive' ??

I think not..
 GeneralizingNow
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 106
Anger in a relationship, or in life in general...
Posted: 11/14/2008 9:18:06 AM
Hatred and anger are not the same thing.
 compleat_man
Joined: 10/3/2008
Msg: 108
Anger in a relationship, or in life in general...
Posted: 11/14/2008 9:28:48 AM
^^

but isn't hatred often born of anger?

e.g.one could be angry at oneself for being a loser, so you take it out on another identifiable racial or ethnic, or religious group?

anger at your parents, or whomever? anger at one person of a certain group, so you decide to 'hate' all people of that group?
 Discerning Virtuosa
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 110
Anger in a relationship, or in life in general...
Posted: 11/14/2008 9:51:24 AM
Being angry is exhausting. I cannot understand where angry people get all of that energy and I find them really draining to be around. Rageaholics seem to be hereditary on my mother's side of the family and is a symptom of mentall illness many times. Even when mental illness is present I see anger and loss of control towards others to be a form of abuse and I have to cut them out of my life for my own safety and well being. I guess I'm lucky in that I've always had the gift of music as an outlet for my emotions.

When people do stupid things that lead to their own demise or self destruction I don't feel sorry for them and I have found that can make people pretty angry at me.

The following 3 things do make me more sad than angry, but also make me say "What the Hell?" when I hear about abuse and violence.


1. Crimes, or cruelty, against children...
2. Crimes, or cruelty, against animals...
3. Crimes, or cruelty, against another human being who is not able to defend him or herself...
 compleat_man
Joined: 10/3/2008
Msg: 111
Anger in a relationship, or in life in general...
Posted: 11/14/2008 10:19:34 AM
I think some people can use the "anger can be good" argument to justify their own addiction to being a "rage-a-holic" ?

not sure what good or constructive things come from blowing your top dozens of times daily at every little real or imagined slight..?

(as WAY too many people do..)
 GeneralizingNow
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 112
Anger in a relationship, or in life in general...
Posted: 11/14/2008 11:16:48 AM
I do think anger can be a great motivator for me, especially in sports. If I'm playing tennis and someone hits a ball past me at the net, I get angry--yes, actually angry--and then my serve gets better. Btu then I'm all happy that my serve is so awesome and ... d'oh!!

Of course, anger CAN be out of control, just as any emotion can (those people who smile ALL the time creep me out, frankly). Yes, anger CAN motivate someone to hate. But these are abuses of the emotion, and we all recognize that.

I also agree that anger is often mixed with other emotions--rare is it that you feel just ONE emotion at a time, right? If you love you are also happy; if you're sad you could also be angry.

If my SO cheats on me, I have every right to feel and express my anger. If a kid pulls the tail of my cat, I have every right to be angry with him. When you acknowledge your feeling, you learn how to express it. It's the people who SUPPRESS their genuine feelings that have the problems EXPRESSING their feelings in a healthy way.
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