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 WanderingRain
Joined: 3/9/2008
Msg: 98
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Anger in a relationship, or in life in general...Page 4 of 9    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)
Many good opinions on here. wow.


If you answered "no" :
Why is it that you don't do the anger?
How do you overcome the impulse to act in such a way (I assume that we all get pissed off sometimes, but it does not mean that we all *do anger*)?
Have you ever been in a relationship with an angry one, and how did you handle it?


I used to be an angrier person. But I would not be angry outwardly. I would simmer and just be resentful. Most of the posts on here mention it's a negative emotion and does waste precious energy. It does.
Today, I no longer get sick the way I used to. The new outlook combined with a healthy diet has made me healthier than when I was in my teens and 20's -- no kidding.

OVercoming comes easy for me now. AFter all, as mentioned in previous posts, when we look at these piddling little matters, how does it compare to someone who wakes up without food or shelter each day? Guys my age on the other side of the world sleep with rifles or are dead.
It's just a matter of seeing how good a life we are leading.
The only thing that sets me off -- again like most here-- is injustice of any kind. When someone is being trampled on -- that I cannot let go.

Can't say I've been with much angry people. When I detect how they are, I do decrease my presence in their midst almost unconciously. Who wants to be with negative persons? Life is too short to waste with constantly angry people. I'd rather be with happy persons all the time.
 -n-
Joined: 2/9/2008
Msg: 99
Anger in a relationship, or in life in general...
Posted: 11/12/2008 10:18:33 AM
Hi Red

Still getting in tune with myself, by this is my take on it.

I don't do anger, but do get disappointed when anger in others leads to irrational and destructive outbursts. At these times I state my case and try to get the scene to be usefully interactive again, and if the irrational out of control behaviour continues, I withdraw. That said, there is a place for anger properly expressed and I see this as healthy.

It's this withdrawal thing that I'm still figuring - maybe that makes me passive aggressive. I don't think so, based on the circumstances in which I do it, but am still not sure.

I don't do it because I like my interactions to be mutually beneficial, and healthy. Don't want to dwell on negativity that need not be there (such as overblown personal attacks) - fair criticisms are a good thing, but earbashing (and physical bashing) is not.

I have been in very significant relationship with a very angry person, and did not handle it well at all. Pretty much as described above, but with no useful outcomr from those strategies.

Great topic - thanks for bringing it up.
 Smithiam
Joined: 1/19/2006
Msg: 100
Anger in a relationship, or in life in general...
Posted: 11/12/2008 11:36:51 AM
I have issues that are a cause of concern in my relationships and how women respond to me in general ive been in relationships were we have been together for two years
and for some reason the girl whom im with at some acts like they are tired of me.I'm not a cheater i treat women with respect and i do things for them and i try to make them feel special but some how...:(....I still get thrown under the bus and that what ive been going these last few years.I kind feel like almost all black women do this and i most be a dry boring black kind of like a geek....and sex none of the women ive dated
have been honest about my performance they will talk about me behind my back and i later find out or....they will make sort of an off color joke or statement and claim it's not about me.I can take a hint that i dont please them well enough and that's a red flag
There's one lady here on this site that found of interest and this women had the nerve
to give me a number that was out of service!!! If you arent interested the least you can do is not respond and not reply dont give a fake phone to let me know
that you arent feeling me for some reason it's disrespectful and immature black women
are famous for this kind of stupidity.
 FriendlyFreeSpirit
Joined: 8/24/2008
Msg: 102
Anger in a relationship, or in life in general...
Posted: 11/14/2008 2:08:01 AM
^^^I haven't listened to Michelle Shocked in years. And I used to LOVE her. I saw her perform in Melbourne. Thanks Esad...
 ImAHotMess
Joined: 7/11/2008
Msg: 103
Anger in a relationship, or in life in general...
Posted: 11/14/2008 5:02:19 AM
I think sometimes as far as I am concerned people mis understand my bluntness for being angry...lmfao I am just one of those who say how I feel no matter what. I am not angry, I actually love my life. I have a great situation with getting an education and am getting very far in life. I miss having someone in my life, but it is not necessary. Sometimes I become irriated at people's behavior or decisions, but that is just normal human nature. Angry? Nawwwww Life has too much to offer. :)
 GoneSailinBabe
Joined: 7/6/2008
Msg: 104
Anger in a relationship, or in life in general...
Posted: 11/14/2008 5:21:08 AM
It's been years since I felt real anger, for a legitimate and valid reason. Temper used to be a powerful, roiling feeling inside me...I"m not sure why. I was also very...internalized. I think I held alot of hostility inside of me, and didn't act on it, but felt it. Toward my parents, toward my town, toward my life and what had happened to it...then....after the divorce? It was like....gone. I had one really irrational moment of spontaneous rage - and I did a really insanely foolish and stupid act. Totally unlike me. Entirely against my nature, my beliefs, even my feelings at the time - I just reacted and went with it. The result was total annihilation and destruction.

Sort of like - you had your finger on the big RED button and then you pushed it - blew half the Earth away and then went.... "hmmmmm I think that may have been a bit too much".

Recently, a POF love disappointed me. Deeply.
I was really hurt.
And once more I felt bitterness and rage really rising up inside of me.

I was feeling hostile. Raw emotion.
I vented my spleen on some folks in the forums - who were innocent of any malice to me, but I was in pain and pissed so.....

I used words.
Now my weapon of choice when I'm mad apparently.

It was a brief anger.
And not very productive.

I have found that I am such a do-er. That for me to indulge in moments that are not productive....such as spending time napping, or crying, or in anger....those are not accomplishing anything.

I value accomplishment.
I disapprove of waste.

Anger has become a waste of time in my life.
So has sorrow and grief.

I have cried more recently than I have allowed myself to in many years. And I"ve disliked every moment of what I felt was my own personal weakness. My inability to remain in control emotionally, while experiencing this disappointment in the man I had fallen in love with,

I experienced anger at myself. For being so gullible, vulnerable and weak as to not recognize and know the reality of how he was or would be to me.

I was angry at him. For his ability to con me and for his inability to be a better man than he actually was in reality.

I was angry at the lack of knowledge. Why didn't he just communicate? Why wasn't he simply upfront and honest? etc., etc, etc.,

Wasted days, nights, and weeks spent in anger, sadness, grief, rage, nothing productive...lost moments of life that I'm not going to get back again.

My choice.

I'm always an opportunist. I am always an optimist. And one who rarely gives up or gives in.

To me - these indulgences in fits of emotion are wasted time.
I don't "do" them.
And really will do my best to make certain I "do" them even less than once every 10 - 15 years in the remaining time I have left in life.

Step 1: Avoid men as an entire gender.
Step 2: Avoid women.
Step 3: Allow only children of my womb to visit.
Step 4: Get a larger dog.
Step 5: Find happiness in "ohm"
Step 6: Never be without chocolate and wine.

 compleat_man
Joined: 10/3/2008
Msg: 105
Anger in a relationship, or in life in general...
Posted: 11/14/2008 8:59:51 AM
"Anger can be a very constructive energy.

Anger can be very positive, the catalyst for human evolution was competitiveness, violence, anger, without any of these impulses none of us would be here typing in this forum today."

true, but the operative phrase is "can be"..not "is always"..

"can also be" very destructive..

was Adolf Hitler's 'anger' at 'non-aryans' a "constructive thing" ?

or any racial/religious/ethnic group's hatred of others?

when you feel, for example, another car has cut you off, or come within 30 feet of your precious 'space', so you explode into "road rage" and try to 'get back' at him/her by driving like a crazy loon, possibly causing a collision and loss of lives & limbs..

is THAT 'constructive' ??

I think not..
 GeneralizingNow
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 106
Anger in a relationship, or in life in general...
Posted: 11/14/2008 9:18:06 AM
Hatred and anger are not the same thing.
 Raging Heart-on
Joined: 8/4/2008
Msg: 107
Anger in a relationship, or in life in general...
Posted: 11/14/2008 9:27:59 AM
The human race must never know world peace and those who support it are hurting humanity.

Without any anger or violence in this world we'd have no reason to improve ourselves and gradually evolve backwards until eventually becoming nothing more than a drone like sub-species which mopes around in large numbers eating grass


You have GOT ... to be kidding.

Thank God YOU aren't in charge ! Curing diseases, inventing things and improving the human condition aren't good reasons to improve ourselves ?

Wow. Merely wow.


was Adolf Hitler's 'anger' at 'non-aryans' a "constructive thing" ?


Hitler wasn't "angry" at Jews - he HATED them. Anger and hate are 2 completely different things.

Edit : I didn't " completely misunderstand " you I completely disagree.

Yes, I would prefer that we do away with cars and other things harmful to the atmosphere but that's a far cry from murdering another human being.

Anyway, I've said my bit anything more would be an exercise in futility.
 compleat_man
Joined: 10/3/2008
Msg: 108
Anger in a relationship, or in life in general...
Posted: 11/14/2008 9:28:48 AM
^^

but isn't hatred often born of anger?

e.g.one could be angry at oneself for being a loser, so you take it out on another identifiable racial or ethnic, or religious group?

anger at your parents, or whomever? anger at one person of a certain group, so you decide to 'hate' all people of that group?
 susi65
Joined: 1/5/2006
Msg: 109
Anger in a relationship, or in life in general...
Posted: 11/14/2008 9:43:32 AM
I used to "do" anger when I was younger, but then I realized that it didn't accomplish anything in the end, and it was a complete waste of my time and energy. Sure, things still bother me, but now I stop and think before I react. That's been the difference for me. I try to understand the other person's point of view- if someone cuts me off on the freeway, maybe they have an emergency. If someone's rude to me, maybe they got some bad news, or are not feeling well. We've all been there. I try not to sweat the small stuff- getting angry about things I can't control is fruitless.
On the other hand, if you try to hurt me or the people I love, I will cut your balls off.
 Discerning Virtuosa
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 110
Anger in a relationship, or in life in general...
Posted: 11/14/2008 9:51:24 AM
Being angry is exhausting. I cannot understand where angry people get all of that energy and I find them really draining to be around. Rageaholics seem to be hereditary on my mother's side of the family and is a symptom of mentall illness many times. Even when mental illness is present I see anger and loss of control towards others to be a form of abuse and I have to cut them out of my life for my own safety and well being. I guess I'm lucky in that I've always had the gift of music as an outlet for my emotions.

When people do stupid things that lead to their own demise or self destruction I don't feel sorry for them and I have found that can make people pretty angry at me.

The following 3 things do make me more sad than angry, but also make me say "What the Hell?" when I hear about abuse and violence.


1. Crimes, or cruelty, against children...
2. Crimes, or cruelty, against animals...
3. Crimes, or cruelty, against another human being who is not able to defend him or herself...
 compleat_man
Joined: 10/3/2008
Msg: 111
Anger in a relationship, or in life in general...
Posted: 11/14/2008 10:19:34 AM
I think some people can use the "anger can be good" argument to justify their own addiction to being a "rage-a-holic" ?

not sure what good or constructive things come from blowing your top dozens of times daily at every little real or imagined slight..?

(as WAY too many people do..)
 GeneralizingNow
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 112
Anger in a relationship, or in life in general...
Posted: 11/14/2008 11:16:48 AM
I do think anger can be a great motivator for me, especially in sports. If I'm playing tennis and someone hits a ball past me at the net, I get angry--yes, actually angry--and then my serve gets better. Btu then I'm all happy that my serve is so awesome and ... d'oh!!

Of course, anger CAN be out of control, just as any emotion can (those people who smile ALL the time creep me out, frankly). Yes, anger CAN motivate someone to hate. But these are abuses of the emotion, and we all recognize that.

I also agree that anger is often mixed with other emotions--rare is it that you feel just ONE emotion at a time, right? If you love you are also happy; if you're sad you could also be angry.

If my SO cheats on me, I have every right to feel and express my anger. If a kid pulls the tail of my cat, I have every right to be angry with him. When you acknowledge your feeling, you learn how to express it. It's the people who SUPPRESS their genuine feelings that have the problems EXPRESSING their feelings in a healthy way.
 compleat_man
Joined: 10/3/2008
Msg: 113
Anger in a relationship, or in life in general...
Posted: 11/14/2008 11:19:50 AM
"I do think anger can be a great motivator for me, especially in sports. If I'm playing tennis and someone hits a ball past me at the net, I get angry--yes, actually angry--and then my serve gets better. Btu then I'm all happy that my serve is so awesome and ... d'oh!!

Of course, anger CAN be out of control, just as any emotion can (those people who smile ALL the time creep me out, frankly). Yes, anger CAN motivate someone to hate. But these are abuses of the emotion, and we all recognize that."

yes, we hope that your anger doesn't really flare and does not cause you to want to (or actually) jump over the net and beat your opponent into submission with your racket..

or to wait for him/her later and physically assault them..

that's what anger is for too many people..

have you talked with any cops who have to respond to "domestic dispute" calls lately?

even a 'few' people beating up their partners, is too many..

they too say that 'anger is natural' and it's 'good to express it'..

it's cool to get in people's faces, intimidate, if not actually strike them all because you're a little angry, a 50 year old having a temper tantrum because you're not getting your won way??

and yes , the typical person who says "anger is good" is often "always right" and everyone else of course is 'always wrong'..cool...?

O--kayyyy..



 GeneralizingNow
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 114
Anger in a relationship, or in life in general...
Posted: 11/14/2008 11:22:33 AM
But not for all people, or even, really, most people.^^^^^^^^^^^^^
I'm not quite sure why you picked on me, and insinuated that I would do such a thing. That's not playing fair.
 webweebil
Joined: 9/4/2008
Msg: 116
view profile
History
Anger in a relationship, or in life in general...
Posted: 11/14/2008 11:45:02 AM
<---- runs and does yoga for a reason.
 Miss W
Joined: 12/4/2006
Msg: 117
Anger in a relationship, or in life in general...
Posted: 11/14/2008 11:57:11 AM
I used to be angry when I was younger, but the day hit me that life is too short for it and it sucks the energy out of you. I do on occasion but it is fewer and farther between. Granted, I do get pissed off at times and when I do lose it, I do so and then let it go. There are other times where I can't let off steam in the manner that I would like to so I turn it into humor and sarcasm.
 spider_mama
Joined: 8/8/2008
Msg: 118
Anger in a relationship, or in life in general...
Posted: 11/14/2008 12:20:28 PM
I can only answer for myself. I use to be angry. At everyone, it was ALWAYS someone else fault. They made me angry. If only ......... if only.........if only......hadnt happened or someone had done this, that or the other thing. LOL. It caused problems, big problems, my anger did. Boy, that anger sure did burn a lot of bridges. I knew I had turned around when my family asked what I had done, (or taken, LOL) to go from angery class A *itch to family and friends coming to me for advice. First, you control your behaviour and thoughts, dont let them just happen. Trash in, trash out. Good in, good out. What and who are you letting influence you? (Tv, books, people?) No one can "make" you angry, its your emotion, no one elses, they can not control you, nor can you blame someone for how you feel, or what choices YOU (I) MAkE. You chose how what comes out of your mouth and how you behave. How you (I) chose to behave is a choice while we are "feeling" emotions. Think twice, speak once. Go to the throne, not the phone. Your (my) attitude is your (my) thought life turned inside out. Pray without ceasing. Never understood that before. Mercy in ALL things. And every single person here on this earth at this time is a gift form God, and their mama's baby, regardless of thier age. I work in nursing. I take of prenatal to end of life, how do you want me to treat and respond to your baby, cause everyone is someones baby, no matter 9 seconds concieved old., or 199 years old.
Took me almost 40 years to figure out some of this. Not so unlike Gods chosen, who wandered the dessert for 40 years, on a trip that should of taken less than a week going to the promise land. They kept going around that same mountain, was easier to keep bad habits than to learn how to learn new ones.
 Sunscapes
Joined: 6/24/2008
Msg: 119
Anger in a relationship, or in life in general...
Posted: 11/14/2008 2:08:35 PM
I have noticed the same issue, First, I do have moments when I get upset. I stop and think about what is going on. If one goes deeper than the moment in time, often they will see that there is something totally irrelevant hat is causing the anger.
I mean, recently in the news, guy was arrested for domestic violence, his reason?
His girlfriend mad mac and cheese for dinner??? Come on,,,now he has some deep rooted anger that comes out when he can not longer hold it in, thus the mac and cheese got the brunt, along with the girlfriend,.

It is a matter of control issues, when one is not in contro of their life, they must control others, first form is anger, thus intimidation.
 single45iowaman
Joined: 8/26/2008
Msg: 120
Anger in a relationship, or in life in general...
Posted: 11/14/2008 2:19:02 PM
During the first 40 years of my life I didn't have a lot of Anger, but during my divorce I did, and I had a very good reason!! but I learned that anger does you no good.

During my divorce I felt like Adam Sandler in the movie ANGER MANAGEMENT I finally got to the point of being totally afraid to raise my voice even a little in Court, on the phone etc.

Part of heathy living and being a stronger person is learning to control your Temper and not let your temper control you, I really did a lot of reading about Anger management and I feel that I have to learned how to control my temper, and this has freed me to be able to make the proper choices you need to live a heathy life, it is ok to disagree with someone, or fight back, but don't let you blood pressure control your thinking .
 b00m
Joined: 10/13/2008
Msg: 121
Anger in a relationship, or in life in general...
Posted: 11/19/2008 11:27:58 PM

I see that you are 22 now... if it ended 8 years ago, you were full of anger and hate from the age of 8 to 14, right?
Why were you so angry?
Who were you angry with?


Sorry for not replying earlier, it is a subject that I don't like to think about.

Yeah, ages 8 through 14 were my dark years. I would say what made me so angry was that was when I learned that evil could exist in human nature, and the time my own innocence was lost. As for who I was enraged with is a simple one. First and foremost, my sister for how she treated my parents. Next up were my classmates for routinely beating me up and not even attempting to account for their own actions. After that would be the school faculty for not doing anything about how I was being treated during school.

I don't regret the path I ended up on, though. I have seen that those who wronged me are far worse off in life due to their own decisions, whereas my parents and I are living in comfort.
 motownmaniax
Joined: 8/13/2006
Msg: 123
Anger in a relationship, or in life in general...
Posted: 3/16/2009 4:11:11 AM
If anger is chronic and unreasonable it's obviously a problem, but anger in and of itself probably can't be totally eliminated. It's what makes us human. Most people couldn't completely rid themselves if they tried. The problem I see is too many keep the daily frustrations and stresses we all live with so bottled up inside that it builds and builds, until the only release is going postal -- and that's not good for anyone. I don't see a lot of good emotional release valves.

Conversely, to me you have to be passionate and emotional about "something" in life. I'm not a big fan of people that are so laid back and have such a laissez faire attitude that nothing bothers them or gets them angry. I mean, sheesh, show some spunk about something you feel strongly about. And defend those convictions when warranted.

My pressure point is dealing with obvious stupidity and lack of common sense.

When I make a mistake nobody, and I mean "nobody", can put myself through the hell I can. I'm my best self-corrector, but I also have little tolerance for the idiotic, nonsensical behavior of others.
 Esperanza
Joined: 2/15/2009
Msg: 124
Anger in a relationship, or in life in general...
Posted: 9/8/2009 9:57:03 AM
I am usually a low key person but that doesn't mean I don't get angry. I get frustrated when I am tired which is understandable, lack of sleep. When someone backs me into the corner and I come out fighting. I much rather avoid confrontation whenever possible.
For example when my ex told me he was leaving to live with his girlfriend I needed answers and he wouldn't let me voice my opinion which pisses me off. By not voicing my opinion I think that is when the bitterness towards him set in. I have worked through the emotions of rejection and have moved on. Today I saw the ex and we have no problems talking or being around each other but I have no desire to be with him, or do I miss him. We are friends now. I have forgiven him.
 rickxyz
Joined: 1/27/2009
Msg: 125
Anger in a relationship, or in life in general...
Posted: 9/8/2009 10:11:47 AM
I love anger, its the most honest emotion and I think it feels great. My anger is very controlled in my old age, I might destroy a trashcan or phone in private, but in public its all about my poker face....if they only knew what I was thinkin.....
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