Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  >      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 o4
Joined: 4/7/2007
Msg: 3
trust and forgiveness.Page 3 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
First, CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR SMART DECISION TO GET A COUNSELOR INVOLVED! That's probably one of the best things you could have done at this time.

I doubt that my post or any others will give you any real news that your counselor or other close friends or clergy might not have already told or will tell you. But here's some points to consider:

Statistically, the majority (over 60%) of couples who have faced this very same problem have worked it out. Not painlessly, but never the less, been able to get past it. I've known couples who have fallen on both sides of this equation myself; it takes partnership to get past it....you yourself might not control all of the decision making needed behind whether the two of you will make it through or not....but in your moment alone, you need to ask yourself if you want it to be you that makes it not work. If each of you want to work it out, you stand a pretty good chance. Do you feel that your spouse wants to try to get past it? If she does, chances are you can if you want to too.

If you focus on how she 'cheated on you and lied to you' and don't realize that she also did the same to herself, you'll miss a part that might also be helpful to address. You are no doubt hurting from what happened...............Being that you're in a position to even be asking the question that you did in the OP, I'd bet she probably is too.

You both will need to decide about how you want to help each other...but with THAT decision behind you both together, the rest can be manageable. It's up to you.

Best of wishes,
 WhiteWaterRogue
Joined: 4/3/2007
Msg: 4
trust and forgiveness.
Posted: 11/11/2008 12:56:10 PM
Why save a Liar?
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 5
view profile
History
trust and forgiveness.
Posted: 11/11/2008 12:57:50 PM
How badly do you want the marriage to work? And Why?
The only way it will succeed is if you can promise her that you will never throw it in her face and she can promise you that she will never repeat her actions.
I personally, do not believe every marriage can work especially after the trust and love is gone.
 x_file
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 9
trust and forgiveness.
Posted: 11/11/2008 1:24:11 PM

I have been married now for 11 years . I found out two mouths ago now that my wife was cheating on me. I have been going to a counosler for help and he thinks that are marriago is fixable. I can forgive most but there one thing I juts do not know how to forgive and to be able to trust her. That is the facted that she has sleep with this man and lied to me over and over. Please help me I do not know what to do.


1) File for divorce.
2) You likely haven't been getting any... fix that.
3) Don't get married again.
4) If she comes back to you, don't take her back.

If you think your marriage is fixable you are delusional, and so is your counselor. You can't fix a cheater. She didn't cheat and lie once, she did it, as you put it, "over and over".
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 11
trust and forgiveness.
Posted: 11/11/2008 1:35:19 PM
Sorry dude, but the trust will never be there again. And I hate to break it to you, but once a person does something like cheat in a relationship, they may to do it again.

I am not trying to be mean by telling you this, but the more you understand the reality that you're living with, if you decide to fix it, or leave, it will be knowing all the angles.

Did somebody said "over and over"? So if this is not a one time thing, what makes you think that now is not going to happen again?
 english lass
Joined: 11/14/2007
Msg: 12
trust and forgiveness.
Posted: 11/11/2008 1:36:30 PM
the counselor might tell you that the marriage "is fixable" in his opinion, but it's up to you whether or not YOU want it to continue... if you can not forgive her and move on with her in trying to build up the relationship again, then i'd say that you have your answer in that - no point in dragging it out, if inside you really don't want to carry on - it's not about what you *should* be feeling, it's about what you really are - whatever that is...

you didn't choose to be in this situation, don't allow her choice to cause you more pain - do what you need to do to be at peace - decide to put it behind you and work together, or not

(personally, i wouldn't stay with someone who cheated on me...but that's me, my choice - to go or stay is purely subjective - neither right nor wrong, imo)
 kenpoboy
Joined: 9/22/2008
Msg: 13
view profile
History
trust and forgiveness.
Posted: 11/11/2008 1:55:03 PM
OP -

I am fresh from divorce in exactly the same situation. I'll let that stand for itself.

Move on, brother.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 14
trust and forgiveness.
Posted: 11/11/2008 2:00:07 PM

I can forgive most but there one thing I juts do not know how to forgive and to be able to trust her. That is the facted that she has sleep with this man and lied to me over and over. Please help me I do not know what to do.

~OP~ I had a similar situation. That poor guy just couldn't keep his knickers on in the presence of women other than me. What did I do (early on)??? I forgave him. And that meant never bringing it up, never asking specifics, never wondering why. In the end, those questions became forefront for me personally, although I NEVER did ask him about those things. I think when we choose to forgive, that also includes forgetting ~ at least in their presence. What good does it do to worry about something you simply can't change, alter or re-do???? Sometimes, forgiving also means forgetting. That is the tough part. Today? Nearly 9 years later ~ I don't worry about "why." That is his issue, not mine. JMO
 mysteriosa
Joined: 5/19/2006
Msg: 15
view profile
History
trust and forgiveness.
Posted: 11/11/2008 2:00:42 PM
I don't know how anyone could trust someone who deliberately lied, whatever their reason or self-justification. If they do it once over such an important issue, they will do it again. I guess you just have to decide whether you can cope with her doing this again as it sounds like she might. What is left after trust has gone? If she was a child, you might find it easier to forgive and know that she is learning what it means to be an adult. But if someone has the power to hurt you like this, then you need to make sure they can be trusted not to.
 MyFunIsAnArtForm
Joined: 7/29/2007
Msg: 17
trust and forgiveness.
Posted: 11/11/2008 2:42:28 PM
It's great that your going to a counselor because they are knowledgable and experience. Asking someone from POF that doesn't have the maybe going backwards. IE. me I would say to leave her and move onto someone who does deserve a good partners. Why date someone that you have to change. They say you should also do that even if you have kids. But stick with the counselor's advice. If it didn't work out at least you tried. Good luck.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 19
trust and forgiveness.
Posted: 11/11/2008 6:02:50 PM

Ah well, maybe they'd have been better off having a threesome... or something..

hey hey, lighten up


Excuse me. Lighten up about cheating? I don't think so.


No one is perfect. And we all lie at some point, if anyone says they never, ever, ever lie then they are not telling the truth. So will she lie to you again? Will you be able to trust her despite this.


Please. There's a big difference between "Honey, I didn't leave the toilet seat up," and "no I didn't sleep with that person, we were just playing cards, I swear."

Big difference.

And no. No lighting up. For one I can understand the anger that the OP may have.

Trust is a very delicate thing, and quite frankly once is gone, there is not going back. It simply is not. Particularly when you are dealing with someone who is also a lier.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 24
trust and forgiveness.
Posted: 11/12/2008 11:00:11 AM
She has not offer any forgiveness. She think she done no wrong.


Dude, first, fire your therapist. Telling you that this can be fix is the biggest crack of sh!t I've ever heard. First off, you both would have to want the change. And so far, the only one wanting to keep the relationship is you. She needs to admit of doing wrong, but look at this, if she said that she feels like cheating when she is with you, the clear signal is that this woman no longer loves you. Not only does she not love you, but is mean enough to say that to your face.

To try to fix this for your kids is a total disservice to them. Instead of growing up with the idea of a loving family, they will grow up with the tension of a moving lie. Tension because you cannot trust her every time she goes out. Tension because this woman feels trapped in your marriage. And things will not get better but worse. These things will spin downward and each year will get worse, until that tension will affect the behavior of your children and they play out their frustrations. And in such crisis, is this woman going to be next to you to help. Probably, probably not, but she will continue to blame you for all the wrongs of the world.

Dude, it's time – end it. You don't even have a relationship, just some therapist milking the sh!t out of you and postponing the inevitable for a couple extra years of misery.
 heartseekertrue
Joined: 6/24/2008
Msg: 26
trust and forgiveness.
Posted: 11/12/2008 11:16:57 AM
Trust and forgiveness...though something YOU offfer...
is dependent on HER admission/confession...and it must be complete and honest.
Difficult...given she has already betrayed your trust, and further denied it.


She is in denial...be cautious. All the intention to do the right and honorable thing with reconciling with your wife will not amount to a hill-o-beans if she doesnt star with absolute honesty.

Take care of yourself, first. Own (whatever little) the part you played in the relationship decline. Don't want to beat on ya....but nothing takes place in a vacuum.
She felt that in some way her needs were not met, and sought it elsewhere.
Just realize...it is NOT a flaw or failure on YOU, but it is of the relationship.
 akmusic
Joined: 1/27/2008
Msg: 27
trust and forgiveness.
Posted: 11/12/2008 12:00:34 PM
Trust is a tough one. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.
 Ferruginous
Joined: 5/12/2008
Msg: 31
trust and forgiveness.
Posted: 11/12/2008 4:41:54 PM
If you really want top fix your marriage, maybe you shouldn't be prowling around on a dating site pretending to be divorced.

I don't believe you can actually fix your marriage, while at the same time making a dating site profile claiming to be divorced, and hoping to find your next relationship.

Either
concentrate on trying to save the marriage
or
forget the marriage, and try finding your next relationship.

You can't do both, and it isn't fair to the people who you're meeting on here.
 Rythmn
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 32
view profile
History
trust and forgiveness.
Posted: 11/12/2008 9:05:03 PM
akkimbo makes a good point, as per message 12. i second his motion. however, this may also be coming from her "inner workings". explore the empty spaces, what drove her and why you are on this website "looking". then make a decsion and let the rest go. as to your decision, that is a "process".
 red_relaxed
Joined: 7/18/2007
Msg: 34
trust and forgiveness.
Posted: 11/13/2008 10:29:04 AM
"I love to meet that one person that when we look at each other we know what that person was saying without saying anything. I would love to just set and talk about nothing and it means something to us"

Not making any judgments here OP, just an observation.

As this is the bulk of what you're looking for in a relationship,
I have to speculate whether inadvertently you are going to attract yet another woman who will eventually cheat.

You’ll get through this painful time in your life. The fact that you are willing to look at yourself with fresh perspective above all else is commendable.

Trust is not negotiable. It is the foundation of a healthy relationship, and it appears your wife has little or no regard for breaking this bond in your marriage. It’s time to leave her stuff with her and try to salvage a working relationship with her for the sake of your children.

I agree that you need to find a new therapist.
It takes determination to work through your own issues, otherwise you risk jumping straight from the frying pan into the fire.

All the best on your journey of self discovery!
 imulysses
Joined: 5/6/2007
Msg: 39
trust and forgiveness.
Posted: 11/14/2008 7:53:03 PM
Hey OP,
the real question is - DO YOU LOVE HER ENOUGH TO FORGIVE HER and DOES SHE LOVE YOU ENOUGH NOT TO DO IT AGAIN? I wish I knew enough about the situation to answer that for you but, as a Christian, I know that you are well in your rights to deal with this through the moral agency God and the courts give you, if you feel you must.
Personally, though, I hate the word 'cheated' as it implies you are in a game. When you cheat at checkers, you deprive someone of 'winning' and relationships are not about 'winning' or losing, but about loving and caring. It also means that a person can then 'cheat' the cheater and 'regain' something they lost. A more accurate word might be 'betrayed,' which is how you feel, and why the issue of 'trust' is involved.
I know that that doesn't make it easier but if you see your relationship as a mutual endeavour where both sides support the other, instead of trying to 'win' points at the others expense, it might help you understand why this sad event took place.
As a Christian, also, you have a responsibility to God to act out of love and not spite or seek revenge, for that does not bring about what, I hope, is your desire; a re-established relationship based on love. That is the higher calling for all Christians and it might mean forgiving and trusting again, even though it will be harder.
Examine your own heart and if you love her, then act in accordance with that love. If you don't, then you know what you must do. Whatever it is, though, do it because you are being honest with yourself and not merely out of a sense of duty or responsibility.
Good luck and God bless.
Ulysses.
 o4
Joined: 4/7/2007
Msg: 40
trust and forgiveness.
Posted: 11/15/2008 8:44:18 AM
She has not offer any forgiveness. She think she done no wrong.

and the rest of that post.

Unfortunately, it takes TWO to be able to work through something like this, and it sounds more like possibly only one of you wants to. I'm really sorry to hear this. You can't control what she is going to do, she may walk one way, she may walk the other. But your best option then right now if she is not feeling remourse nor is wanting to address it is to focus on helping yourself and your children to get past this awful moment and focus on being the best that you can be with or without her. She will need to take her journey and figure out where she wants to go; you need to maximize your own quality of life while she does that in a way that you will feel good about in the long run. For a while, your job might start each morning simply with getting up and putting one foot in front of the other and carrying on with the usual pattern of your day, eventually you'll find this gets easier and you'll be once again taking on bigger things too.

If your counselor knows of the status of what you wrote that I quoted in the box above, it makes me wonder what he/she is seeing about being optomistic of reparing it. I'd recommend following up on this item next time you see him/her.

You might want to also take a look at two books in the bookstore handy for these times in life:

"REBUILDING" by Bruce Fisher. Bruce was a counselor for his entire career helping individuals and couples through these types of times and he's very insightful about the rebuilding process. And,

"The Purpose Driven Life" by Rick Warren. Rick is a pastor that reminds us in his book about what the bigger picture is all about, which can really help to be reminded of when some of the parts, even critical ones, seem very messed up. You can also visit his website at saddlebackfamily dot com and see what else his team has to say each weekend if desired.

Finally, do yourself a favor in a different way too and surround yourself with friends, old ones if possible even if you need to look them up to give them a call, and also find support in your local church small group for people at cross-roads. Best of luck!
 propinquitas
Joined: 10/18/2008
Msg: 42
trust and forgiveness.
Posted: 11/20/2008 2:35:20 AM
She is not showing any love for you and she is not asking for forgiveness. She does not regret her actions or the hurt she is causing you.

How can you forgive anyone that demonstrates such callousness towards someone that trusts them.

Do you want a person like this setting an example for your kids. Would you want your son or daughter to be treated the way you are being treated right now.
 beehearnow
Joined: 9/28/2007
Msg: 43
trust and forgiveness.
Posted: 11/20/2008 4:06:51 AM
She thinks she did nothing wrong....

need anyone say more? Do your kids a favor and get them out of that sick, sick, sick household now.

Believe me, they are well aware that things are not okay between their parents no matter how you treat each other in front of them.

oh yeah, and find a counselor that will help you recover.
 repair-guy
Joined: 4/10/2008
Msg: 46
trust and forgiveness.
Posted: 11/24/2008 5:18:34 PM
You and many of the other posters confuse the concepts of trust and forgivenss to imply more than they do.
You can trust your wife - trust that she will cheat on you. Has and may again.
There's your trust, have at it and enjoy. Why must trust involve molding her to your values? You said ' I do' to a cheat and all that comes with it. Accept it.
What's to fix? Fix your self.
Learn to perceive reality as it is - not as you would like it to be.
You'll be much happier in the end.
As for forgiveness - who the heck are you to bequeath forgiveness on anyone?
You also state that your upset that 'she has sleep with this man...'. I'd be more upset about them having intimate sexual relations and such, the sleeping wouldn't bother me in the least.
But this isn't really about her and her trysts - it's about your ego.
 Earnibbler
Joined: 12/11/2008
Msg: 48
trust and forgiveness.
Posted: 5/30/2009 3:25:14 AM
Eresm, Compassion for others is your strong suit. Please be wary. Cheating is not an uncommon thing. Forgiveness is divine. But trust will always be the foundation for a lasting relationship. It takes two exception individuals, to shed all they have known of each other, and start anew. I have yet to meet people exceptional enough, to overcome the trauma of betrayal. It can be done...one needs to weigh the loss with the possibility of getting back to what once was.

It is a persons nature to cheat. We are sexual creatures, always in search of the better mate. Find a mate who understands this, and he can be yours.

Best of luck.
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  >