Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > He needs some space      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 *buzz*
Joined: 6/1/2006
Msg: 13
view profile
History
He needs some spacePage 3 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
My "policy" in this one : one department is that if one party declares "needing some space", just gives them space & blessing ... and wish them well.
On my part I would know that the element of sharing and dealing together is just not there and that is IMO a very important aspect in a healthy relationship.

Time to look back? Maybe ... and only on a friendly basis.
 tiger2525
Joined: 9/15/2007
Msg: 14
He needs some space
Posted: 11/18/2008 7:46:54 PM
I'm sorry, I forgot a little detail a couple people have assumed....he's not quite young compared to me. He's 32, there are 11 years between us....that prob will make more people be like "WHHHHAAAATTT!!!" But I think thats one of the things that works well for us, as I am a very mature 21.

No, I'm not a smothering girlfriend, so that definetley not an issue, he seemed to have more of his own relationship fears than of ours in particular. For example, most of the girls hes dated have gotten bored or fed up with him (he is a very intellectual person, sometimes he can get a little overbearing, but it doesn't bother me enough to care) and he says hes used to being single so he doesn't get hurt.

I've been doing my own thing without a peep to him other than a hi back to his email, and I trust him that he isn't cheating or stringing me along. I'm just worried that these issues are obviously deep seeded and is he giving us a good chance by taking space, or should he be trying to work on them with me? (I can't list all the things we talked about, but he did give me reasons, in person, not just "I need space" over the phone kind of crap).

I guess I'm just looking for if I guy who does this does genuinely care and if every guy needs this sometimes no matter what the relationship, or is he being a coward?

I have read men are from mars women are from venus, I know about the cave thing thats why I didn't mind agreeing to this. And yes, Rhett and Scarlett do get back together, but in the sequel called Scarlett with isn't my MM.

THANKS SO MUCH for ALL (negative and postive) the comments everyone! I'm the kind of person when something is bothering me, I need to talk about it and I like lots of input (I normally wouldn't go on a forum, but you can see where I'd like some hardcore brainstorming on this) all your comments are really getting the wheels turning and making me feel better and stronger about the situation no matter how it turns out!
 tiger2525
Joined: 9/15/2007
Msg: 15
He needs some space
Posted: 11/19/2008 4:32:12 AM
I'm not sure what more info to give, we talked about a lot of things I could be there forever, are there details in particular you'd like to know?

You never know what someone is really doing, and can you ever really trust anyone, but our relationship is as such that he's never given me a reason not to and hes the first guy I've ever really trusted cause weve always been honest and open, so as it stands now I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt.

That's what I was concerned about. I mean if we were married and he has an issue whats he gonna do, move out for a week? That's what I meant by is this normal for a guy to need space to think and I shouldn't take it personally or if he really cares should he be sticking with me so we can work on it together. He does have a very busy schedule thou, between two jobs, coaching hockey and trying to spend time with me, (we live an hour apart) I can see where he doesn't have much 'me' time for reflection.
 mysteriosa
Joined: 5/19/2006
Msg: 16
view profile
History
He needs some space
Posted: 11/19/2008 3:01:44 PM
It's usually not a good sign when someone says they need space, but it is possible that if you have been a close couple for nine months that he's wondering if you're really the one and if he would miss you if he wasn't with you. Obviously, this is a way for him to find out. It still means he's having doubts though. I think some men need more space than others too: some are barely in relationships, pretty much appearing and disappearing at will, and others need to know your every move. These are two extremes though and most women would need a happy medium. He's got in touch again, so that's a good sign, but I wouldn't hold out any hopes that this is going to last. Sorry.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 17
He needs some space
Posted: 11/19/2008 4:03:36 PM
OP
There are so many things that this could be about, but I have to ask you...do you want to committ your life to , have children with,combine finances with, etc, a person who has spells of "needing space"? What if the next bout of "needing space" is the day before you have to go back to work from maternity leave, it's 2 AM and you are dealing with a colicky 6 week old baby,and he's elsewhere because he needs "space"?
I'm not going to suggest that you get into a big emotional scene with him, or run out and date everything male in your neighborhood,but I think you have to look at this situation as "not a good sign" for a future with a man whose love you can RELY on.
Of course, if a longterm committed relationship, and a family, are not things you want in your life,( and there is nothing wrong with that) then emotional reliability probably isn't as significant as it would be in the usual scenario. I guess you have to delineate what YOU want from life and love.
Cindy O
 SueCat51
Joined: 8/11/2007
Msg: 18
view profile
History
He needs some space
Posted: 11/19/2008 4:58:54 PM
OP - I don't buy into the "I need my space" crap. If I'm dating a guy, I would hope that he's got enough horse sense to say "I've got some issues going on in my life, I need to work them out". I wouldn't expect a full blown explanation, but hey, if it's career issues; money issues; or family issues, I'd pretty much hope that he'd say he's working on it. Look, life has the ups and downs, where both people have to work out the crap. Everytime a couple has to work out the "crap", to say "I need my space" really isn't doing the relationship any good. If you have a good relationship, two heads are better than one, at solving problems. In a good relationship, both parties should feel safe and have trust where they can talk out their problems with each other.

Also - emails, or phone contact doesn't cut it. It's the face to face time, where we can laugh, cry, talk, or hold hands in silence that truly counts. Email to me is the chicken shit way out.
 namrael
Joined: 8/10/2008
Msg: 19
He needs some space
Posted: 11/19/2008 5:08:55 PM
Sounds like he just wanted to check in with you, which sounds like a good sign to me; it likely means that he cares about you but really does just need a little space right now. When he calls, you could ask him.
 YingKissesYang
Joined: 5/12/2005
Msg: 20
view profile
History
He needs some space
Posted: 11/19/2008 5:55:36 PM
Just don't get pregnant like that girl who lives in the little basement with her BF and his mother, the two of who tell her everything she can eat and drink
 Newfie_Chick87
Joined: 11/13/2008
Msg: 21
He needs some space
Posted: 11/19/2008 7:27:09 PM
hey..
im living in the same city you are, and since i been in ONTARIO in general, i've had this problem with ALL of my boyfriends. i haven't had so many complications with boyfriends before i moved here in my life. i personally think he has another girlfriend strung along somewhere and is waiting to see if it works out with her, and if it does well, Adios Amigas, you are gone. and if it doesn't well, Hola mi Novia, he will come back... and you will probably be none the wiser!
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 22
view profile
History
He needs some space
Posted: 11/19/2008 7:35:01 PM
I so agree with this:

I find it incredulous that taking the time to heal is somehow a foreign concept. Sometimes the best idea is to date NO ONE and get oneself back into a healthy state of mind. How can you do that with another new partner there to cloud everything up?
Many people would be less heartbroken if people didn't jump into dating when their heart and mind are still on their ex.
Im not saying she should go and sleep with anyone, but there is nothing wrong with going to a movie or concert with another nice young man while the dude thinks over whether or not she is good enough for him.
Yes.. nothing wrong with it for Her.. what about the new guy? He's thinking he's working on a relationship with her meanwhile.. she's waiting for someone else to get back to her>> not fair to the new dude , unless she states upfront what her motives for dating him are at the moment.

OP: You still love him.. He's asked for space .. If you don't hear from him for weeks at a time, then . there is no relationship between the two of you.. Take the time to heal.. go through all the stages of grief and then consider the possibilities of a new man in your life.

You have to remember that you've both acknowledged that it could be the end of your relationship.. to me, that means that he's willing to take a chance on losing you to someone else..(what does that say to you?) Time will tell you what he hasn't... Limbo sucks, hun..
Perhaps I'm weird but to me "I need space" said to someone who I love and who still loves me.. means I'm going away for the weekend with the girls.. See ya when I've had a chance to miss you.. On Monday!

Best wishes Op, I hope Valentino (msg 31) is right.
 trailgirl
Joined: 7/1/2008
Msg: 23
He needs some space
Posted: 11/19/2008 10:18:47 PM

Christmas is coming get a little space now no gift, he might be ready to get back together in January if you don't have a birthday then.

I've heard this from a few men that some guys do this (hasn't happened to me tho').

Did you start dating after Valentines Day? (Do they celebrate that where you live?)

I agree to give him his space and to ask him to only call you when he figures himself out, and to take the time he needs. But I'd vote that he's thinking of you, which is why he called. but we can guess a million and one scenarios of what he's thinking. Don't waste sleep worrying about it, just enjoy your life until you have an answer. Best of luck to you honey!
 tiger2525
Joined: 9/15/2007
Msg: 24
He needs some space
Posted: 11/20/2008 3:27:45 AM
Actually Valentines day was our second date and he organzed a nice little night of wine and relaxing, I was really suprised at the time that he would acknowledge Valentines day on only the second date
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 25
view profile
History
He needs some space
Posted: 11/20/2008 4:29:16 PM

F.Y.I, I have always taken time in between my 'serious' relationships...doesn't mean I never had fun in between doesn't mean a friend with benefits can't be there for ya???
A "new" person in your life can not be considered a "friend with benefits" The term refers to someone who is a friend already.. that you can fall back on in "dry times" and they are totally aware that the benefits will stop once either one engages in an exclusive relationship with someone else... Being true friends, of course means that full disclosure to each other goes without exception.
Cerealkiller was referring to new people coming into one's life and using that new person as a "buffer" to get over their last hurt... which of course is totally unfair to the unsuspecting new person who is more often than not, dumped amd mostly because the other person decides to go back to their ex...I trust you've heard the term "rebound relationship"?? I'm astonished that the difference has to be explained to you

*apologizes to Op for being off topic.
 *Just Jim*
Joined: 7/6/2007
Msg: 26
He needs some space
Posted: 11/20/2008 5:08:47 PM

Msg.55 If you have a good relationship, two heads are better than one, at solving problems. In a good relationship, both parties should feel safe and have trust where they can talk out their problems with each other.


Yup, do we really want to go there with ,aka-space people?
Life is short and if you don't know what you want or doing it's makes it even shorter!
Trust the love your with cuz you don't walk alone.imo
 slybandit
Joined: 7/10/2006
Msg: 27
He needs some space
Posted: 11/23/2008 1:30:05 PM
I know it's so 2004, but the Behrendt & Tucillo reference was going to show up in this thread sooner or later, so I figured SB would be the one to kill the suspense.

If you are really having difficulty figuring out what this means, tiger2525, and you really think that everything was *perfect* before this cherry-blossoms-in-Hiroshima moment, the only "space" that needs filling is the space in between your ears.

You got dumped. Now, the dump-er is jerking the dump-ee around.

Face it, this "relationship" is limping worse than the George Bush presidency.

If you want a *constructive* suggestion instead of gut-punch sarcasm and the usual round of emotional tenderness on offer here, I'd suggest the following.

You appear to have managed to locate the dating website. Just a couple of tweaks to that profile, flash a bit of skin, and presto chango, Plenty of Freaks will deliver the male. Maybe your particular fish will not be the best catch, but all he needs to be is the Catch of the Day, for the time being, right ?
 GoneSailinBabe
Joined: 7/6/2008
Msg: 29
He needs some space
Posted: 11/23/2008 5:32:48 PM
OP, how long do you plan to wait happily while he works his issues out? I'm assuming you aren't seeing any other men...is he seeing other women while he comes to his conclusions?
 Erinawol
Joined: 8/20/2006
Msg: 30
He needs some space
Posted: 11/23/2008 5:34:10 PM
ya he doesnt know how to say goodbye - dont make it any longer than neccisary i would just tell him that you care about him but dont have time to wait around . Dump him and let him come back to you if you even want him back later
 Dancingflame
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 31
He needs some space
Posted: 11/23/2008 10:37:03 PM
I'm not an expert or anything, but I have gone through this before, and so has a couple of my friends.

A few years ago, a guy I had been dating for six months told me he needed some space. A few days later, he started dating someone else. I was hurt of course, but I got over it with the help of my family and friends. Now I am married to a wonderful man who treasures our time together.

My friend "Terri" dated a guy for 3 years in college, and she thought they were heading towards matrimony when suddenly he told her he needed space. A couple months later she found out he got engaged to another girl. She was heartbroken of course, but she didn't let that discourage her. A few months later, she hooked up with a guy she had known for a while, and now they've been happily married for 4 years.

One of my other friends "Jen" dated a guy for over 2 years, and she just knew they were foing to get married. Well, one day "Tom" told her he needed to work some issues out and that they should take a break from dating. That devastated her, yet she did what he asked. Within a month, he started seeing someone else and thought he had found the person he wanted to marry. Things did not work out between them, though, and soon he found himself single again. Meanwhile, "Jen" continued dating, but everytime she found someone who she liked, "Tom" poked back into her life. This made it very confusing for her. She ended up finding someone whom she thought she liked a lot and even agreed to marry him, but soon afterwards, she decided she was still in love with "Tom" and broke it off with her fiance. After a year, "Tom" finally decided that "Jen" was indeed the right woman for him, and now they are set to be married in Oct. 2009.

So, I believe when your boyfriend says he needs space there is something about his relationship with you he isn't fully happy with. I don't know if he will come back or not, but don't sit around waiting for him. Make sure you spend time with your friends and have some fun. You deserve it!
 tiger2525
Joined: 9/15/2007
Msg: 32
He needs some space
Posted: 11/24/2008 12:21:23 PM
THANK YOU EVERYONE!!! :D
I just wanted to thank everyone for their input, it really helped me to see so many different sides and possibilities and keep my head on straight this past 10 days!

I am pleased to report that he's called back and everything is fantastic! It would take hours to discuss the whole situation, but digest version is he realized that after 9months he had to either shit or get off the pot and make himself deal with his commitment issues in order to commit to me. He wants to take me out on some nice dates and spend real quality time together (as opposed to what we normally do, sit in bed, smoke pot and talk for hours while watching wonder woman, lol). He felt he was being lazy and not treating me properly and is determined to fix it because....he's crazy about me and his head is messed up over me (which he said is a good thing, lol)

Thanks again everyone! It's just proof not to give up on the good things cause they're not impossible!

"Don't frown, you never know who's falling in love with your smile!"

Now I just gotta find a dress next week thats casual enough for our date but dressy enough for my work xmas party....maybe I should start another forum and as some ladies advice, lol
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 33
view profile
History
He needs some space
Posted: 11/24/2008 12:26:52 PM
congrats and best wishes

Have fun.. be happy!
................................................................................................................
There is a Santa..
 Sharzi
Joined: 10/6/2007
Msg: 34
He needs some space
Posted: 11/24/2008 3:58:14 PM
Every single time I've ever known of a man to say he needed some space to work on some issues, usually the issue was that he wasn't feeling it for the woman the way she was feeling it for him. I've been in that situation myself. We'd been seeing each other for 5 months and then he needed space to figure things out. I waited another couple of months and then a friend told me he was on the personals. When I asked him about that, he said, "We broke up 2 months ago." No we didn't! He told me he didn't want me to see anyone else... just to give him the time he needed.

I think if someone really loves you, they can't imagine life without you in it. If they are asking for a break, space, time, etc, I'd chalk that up to lots of doubt on his part, and I'd hope the man I am giving my heart to would be as sure as I am.

Sharzi
 Test_Pilot
Joined: 10/15/2005
Msg: 35
view profile
History
He needs some space
Posted: 11/24/2008 5:18:00 PM
Good to hear OP.

See..... not everyone that needs space is looking for a way out.

I need space from time to time during relationships. I have to have some time to myself, especially if we live together. I need time to be alone with me... no friends, no phone, nobody at all. It's just the way I am. I don't mean I disappear for a week or something, A day or so to myself at least once a month, whether I need it or not.
 Major_canadian
Joined: 2/22/2005
Msg: 36
view profile
History
He needs some space
Posted: 11/24/2008 6:02:17 PM
hummm, 9 months and never had a fight, there's a problem right there, couple that don't argue have more problems than people that argue regularly.

if a guy says "i need space", not good, guys can't think that well, if a guy wants other women, he won't say he needs space, he'll cheat, when a guy says "i need space", that probably means that you are not the one for him, so, he's going to go and see what other women he scares up, and if he can't he'll come back to you, that's why the emails once a week, to keep your hopes up that it might still work, he's using you for a doormat...
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > He needs some space