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 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 10
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Kids don't care if they see their dadPage 2 of 2    (1, 2)
Your children are old enough to decide and while you might want to check out their reasons, it sounds like they have good ones. Their dad is neglectful and they may prefer not to be around a drunk. I know it hurts to let go of the hope that he will be a better dad but at this point, you have to stop and think are you holding onto it for them or yourself and even if it is for them, if they have really made peace with it and it is part of a mature decision to care for themselves, you gotta let it go, at least from the standpoint of trying to push them to spend time with him when they don't want to.

As far as the male role models, you have them all over the place we have just trained ourselves as a society that the family unit is supposed to be the one thing that satisfies every need of your family and this just doesn't work. If you have male friends at work, or church or somewhere else, spend more time with them and ask them if they would mind doing some things with your son. Most people are willing to help and realize that if you are asking them, it is a high compliment that they would be a good influence on your child.

I am very blessed with several male friends that my kids are around enough to see that not all men are like their father. Some of their friend's fathers also recognize that their dad doesn't spend time with them and they treat them like they are another son. It is really kind of cool because they see these guys that love their kids, not like Ward Cleaver, they lose their cool occasionally but they see the love behind it. More importantly they see men taking the time to teach their children important lessons. Another one doesn't ever lose his cool and they see that too so they have several different examples to use as they figure out who they are.

With your son, most young men his age are sullen, it kind of goes with the gig I think but as long as YOU talk to him, he will be okay. You can't fix how they feel about their dad, they were dealt a hand and part of growing up is figuring out how to deal with it. Mine recognize that their dad is not going to change, deal with the individual disappointments and I tell them to pray that he gets it together one of these days. My stepson is 29, he is still waiting, sigh.
 smsgen1
Joined: 7/21/2008
Msg: 11
Kids don't care if they see their dad
Posted: 11/21/2008 7:11:05 PM
Be the best mother you can, that really is all you can do. As much as it hurts, and I'm sure it does. Look, I hear you...

My, at the time, 7 year old daughter (now 8) told me a few months ago that there were issues with her mother and where her mother lives - and she told me "please do not make me go to mommy's house." Back to family court we went, and her overnight visits were swiftly terminated - her mother did not fight very hard... Her mother has not gone to one of my daughters Dr. appointments since we split up and I got custody (my daughter was 1 yr and 1 wk old), does not go to parent-teacher conferences, does not ask to see her outside normal visitation...I could go on and on and on... I did not request child support for 2 1/2 years...then she never paid it anyway and I just told her to go to court and file to terminate it...like it wasn't terminated anyway!!! LOL, LOL

Look dar'lin, we did not want our children's lifes to be the way it is for your children or my daughter. It is that way and we can not change it - but we can change the way we see it. It is a choice to accept it and give them a better life for it, or to get lost in the anger we feel at the other parent and the saddness we feel for our kids... Yeah it may not seem right - many things are not.

I do not force anything on my daughter. Especially not a relationship that will only harm her.
 Just_2_b_me
Joined: 6/22/2006
Msg: 13
Kids don't care if they see their dad
Posted: 11/24/2008 8:57:06 AM
OP, I’m sorry for your kids and the fact they have no relationship with their father, however if I may.

At your kids age apparently they want nothing to do with their father because he most likely never wanted to do anything with them when they were younger.

For whatever reason, there is no bond between them, there is nothing that has them desire to spend time with him, seriously would want to be forced to spend time with someone who is basically a stranger ?

My own parents split up when I was a young teen, by then neither I nor my sisters had any desire to spend time with our father, part of that was because we were teens and had better things to do, but most of it was because there simply was no relationship between us and our father, our father had never taken the time to form a bond with us when we were little, there were no dear old dad moments for us to look back on, there were no fond memories of spending time with dad when we were little, simply put, by the time we were teens there just wasn’t a relationship between us, we were literally strangers.

So we simply didn't care to spend time with him by then, of course I guess it worked out for him, as he didn't really care to spend time with us either.

My father was a selfish, self centered person who put his own wants & desires above those of all others, over the course of his life he had managed to alienate himself from nearly everybody he had ever met, friends, co-workers, his own sister & brother, a couple of different ex-wives, and of course his children. His final reward if you will for living his life in that manner was to die all alone 300 miles from any family.
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