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Show ALL Forums  > Single Parents  > Do I look bad for not collecting child support?      Home login  
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 ashley4285
Joined: 6/19/2008
Msg: 1
Do I look bad for not collecting child support?Page 2 of 2    (1, 2)
My youngest daughter's father does not pay child support for her. I have never taken it to court by my own free will. I constantly argue with family members on this subject and I've even had a few men turned off by this subject.
Her father is an abuser. I went through 2 years of extreme emotional and physical abuse. I don't want sympathy, that is not the point of this but I just want people to have an idea of what he is like. Throughout my entire pregnancy, he had said if I had a girl then it couldn't possibly be his since he is only able to have boys.......Ok, I'm not stupid and I hope you all get a good laugh from that. I know I did. Well I had a girl. He seemed happy at first and all was well for a short while. Things sort of got out of control eventually and I finally decided to leave to protect myself and children. Yay for me. Its been well over 2 years and I have never tried for child support. He only makes contact every 6 months or so and I can't bring myself to hand her over to him. I don't think that he would ever hurt her physically but I don't want to take the chance. He never even signed her birth certificate because she is a girl....Anyways, I don't ask him for help of any kind and I'm constantly under scrutiny for it from my family.
I'm completely aware that its not their decision nor business. Obviously I feel the same way too since I'm still not collecting it. My mom especially feels like he should pay for whats his and since I'm far from being wealthy, I need it.
No. I NEED my daughter. If something ever happened to her because of him, I would never forgive myself.
I know there are people out there who probably think I am cruel for not letting her see him. He has not made a whole lot of effort. The only times that he has made contact are when he has been drunk, showed up on my door step and demanded to have his daughter. I would hope that any parent would feel the way I do.
What I would like to know is how people feel about this situation. If I'm right, wrong, or whatever...Would this be a reason to not date me? Any and all opinions welcome...
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 2
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Do I look bad for not collecting child support?
Posted: 11/24/2008 6:33:43 PM
If I did not need the money I wouldn't want it either. I take care of my children because it is my job as a parent not because some government agency demands it. Unfortunately I could use the money but he never pays it.
 lorelei540
Joined: 8/14/2008
Msg: 3
Do I look bad for not collecting child support?
Posted: 11/25/2008 8:49:31 AM

I don't ask him for help of any kind and I'm constantly under scrutiny for it from my family.


Child support is not "help" that you would be asking for. The child is his responsibility just as she is yours. Whether a parent is able to take care of a child, or live with her, or even feel love for her is separate from the fact that he is responsible for her practical food-clothing-shelter needs. And whether you can get by without "asking him for help" doesn't matter.


I know there are people out there who probably think I am cruel for not letting her see him. He has not made a whole lot of effort. The only times that he has made contact are when he has been drunk, showed up on my door step and demanded to have his daughter. I would hope that any parent would feel the way I do.


Have your assertions been heard by a court? Child support is not linked to parental access. You appear to be under the impression that no child support equals no access. It doesn't. If you don't have a court order barring your daughter's father from seeing her based on abuse, then he can decide anytime that he wants to see her and challenge you in court about it. Even with a court order, he could be able to have supervised visitation, that happens quite often.

You say that you don't think he would ever hurt her physically. If he really is an abusive person, then you already know that he will still take pleasure in hurting you, even if he uses his own daughter to do it. I am usually the last person to suggest someone go to court & pay lawyers & invite drama into a situation, but where abuse and safety are concerned it's really in your daughter's best interest to have custody and visitation (and yes, financial support) established legally now.
 ashley4285
Joined: 6/19/2008
Msg: 4
Do I look bad for not collecting child support?
Posted: 12/1/2008 3:15:49 PM
I am an unemployed student but I do not recieve and money or assistance from friends, family nor the state. I was laid off from my job in August and I am collecting unemployment benefits. Obviously, if I were in a situation where I couldn't support my family financially, I would have to seek him out for support so she could have the things she needs. Unemployment money is nowhere near what I was making at my job so money is definately tight, but manageable. After the new year, I will have all of my classes online so I can find a job.
 bcsofnc57
Joined: 11/20/2007
Msg: 5
Do I look bad for not collecting child support?
Posted: 12/1/2008 3:53:13 PM
I don't blame you at all. I didn't get one cent of child support and all of them are adults now. We did fine then and we are all still fine. I was the same as you. The money was not worth what would have come with it.
 synglelibra
Joined: 12/2/2008
Msg: 6
Do I look bad for not collecting child support?
Posted: 1/26/2009 11:59:22 AM
My ex signed over his paternity rights. I think you did the right thing. You have your own reasons for doing so. Don't worry about anyone else.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 7
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Do I look bad for not collecting child support?
Posted: 1/28/2009 10:35:50 PM
One poster mentioned that child support is not related to access, ergo he could demand access that the courts could enforce even if he fails to pay support.

In most cases, I never recommend someone preventing someone from seeing their child but drunk doesn't do it for me and potentiallyviolent means the only way in hell he would ever see my kid is if I or someone I trust implicitly not to allow him to be alone with the child is there.

Check the laws in Michigan. In most states, someone can file for child support at any time. If it is a first filing, he will owe for all of the years he failed to pay and you can give that straight to your daughter.

As for your family, if they advocate potentially putting your child at risk, I say ditch them and find new folks to hang out with. Sorry they are not supprting you in this decision. Tell them since you won't risk her safety by riling up a hornet's nest in seeking support, if they are so worried they can pony up the money themselves or stfu.

Thanks for reminding me Mel, if any guy does not understand your decisions on this, he is an ass better to be avoided.
 tlgirll
Joined: 11/20/2008
Msg: 8
Do I look bad for not collecting child support?
Posted: 2/3/2009 12:10:31 PM
If you are making due without his financial assistance, and given the awful history between you, I can completely understand your reasoning and can’t imagine why you would act any differently.

However, do bear in mind that visitation and support are 2 separate issues. Just because you are not collection CS from him doesn’t mean than at any given time he couldn’t seek a paternity test and prove he’s the father – with that, whether he is paying CS to you or not, he has a legal right to see his child.

And obviously that’s an enormous can of moldy worms you certainly don’t want open; therefore, I would leave well enough alone and tolerate his infrequent requests or dodge them or whatever and fade away as best you can. I wouldn’t make a bad situation worse by giving into family demands that you pursue support – because then he’ll have to claim paternity and ultimately you want THAT less than his money, so, definitely…leave well enough alone.

I read your post that he didn't sign the birth certificate, so therefore he could still come back later and request a paternity test, not that he signed his parenting rights away, correct?
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