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 AUTHOR
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 37
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What is it that makes you hang on to your lover despite red flags?Page 2 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
^^^ This is a new and very interesting topic..PERIOD.

My first love: I hung on for about 5 years too long, igonored the red flag that showed it's self many years earlier, but he fixed it.. When it got broken again.. I hoped he'd see his way to fix himself again.. he didn't.

My second love: I admired him for who he was .. even though he couldn't give me more, and I knew it. the red flags showed only months into it, too late as he was already in my heart, I made attempts to let go once the flags appeared, alas, I liked him which to me is most important. I thought I could cope.. I've learned it's not who I am. I have no regrets.. except how I handled my inablility to accept that it was what is was. He gave me insight into me that I had never tapped into prior to him being in my life.. For that I thank him.
 swingpup
Joined: 10/21/2006
Msg: 38
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What is it that makes you hang on to your lover despite red flags?
Posted: 11/28/2008 3:07:08 PM
That she can suck golf balls through a garden hose?
That she is followed around by Brinks trucks?
That she has the body they modeled Barbie after?

These may be a few of the possible reasons.....or maybe you simply don't care!
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 39
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What is it that makes you hang on to your lover despite red flags?
Posted: 11/28/2008 3:36:08 PM
How about this... those times when your fear has you imagine red flags a fluttering?

Now in those cases, you'd be glad you hung in and gave it some patience to resolve itself. These things do, given enough time, resolve themselves. What is murky will become clear in the fullness of time.

And sometimes we realize our fears were groundless, and sometimes we smack ourselves on the head and say "I saw the signs".

But really, when in doubt, I'm often open to waiting myself out. Had some good stuff happen out of it, as well as some less than hoped for results. But even when it was the lessor result I have learned about myself and my perceptions... well worth the price of admission.
 femka
Joined: 10/1/2010
Msg: 43
What is it that makes you hang on to your lover despite red flags?
Posted: 10/14/2012 7:59:49 AM
I realize I'm dragging up a really old thread, and it's in Relationships rather then in Dating (where I would need it in) but I have a question.

I've been on just a couple dates with someone, and I got the whole 'red flags' thrown at me. One of them is pretty important to me, and not something I wanted to ever tolerate in a person I date/enter a long term relationship with. But all other aspects of him make me really want to get to know him better. We have great conversations, amazing chemistry, alot of similar views, etc. I just am unsure if I would ever be able to see this particular red flag as acceptable in time or if it would be an underlying issue that I'd forever hold against him. My question is .. would you carry on and get to know him better or split and avoid the heartache before feelings developed?
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 44
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What is it that makes you hang on to your lover despite red flags?
Posted: 10/14/2012 8:11:58 AM
I know that whenever I have ignored deal breaking red flags, I've done so at my peril.

It's always because everything else about them seems perfect, otherwise we'd continue to think with our brains and not go against our better judgment.
 AJ2517
Joined: 2/27/2006
Msg: 45
What is it that makes you hang on to your lover despite red flags?
Posted: 10/14/2012 8:43:44 AM
If it is a red flag, confront the issue with him....There are so many people out here who have red flags etc etc...Deal with them!!!!...And if the other person clams up, doesnt want to discuss it etc etc, that isn't communicating, and isn't that what we all want?....You don't state what the red flag is so hard to understand....Let's say you are very right in your red flag and anyone would see it also...If that were the case, tell him and see how he reacts...Will he objectively think about it, see that it is a red flag, see that it isn't good on his part, and then if he can, work on making it better????...That's what communication means....No silence, no BS holding things in...All it does is create small problems into big ones and the end result there is anger from something that should have been dealt with at the very beginning.....Life is simple, we are good at making it difficult!
 vancitygurl78
Joined: 7/6/2012
Msg: 46
What is it that makes you hang on to your lover despite red flags?
Posted: 10/14/2012 8:44:47 AM
U know I personally don't understand why ppl chose to hang onto ppl who abuse them, cheat on them and are physical with them all the time...seriously I just don't get it. Their personality sucks if u ask me.

My ex bf hung onto his ex wife while they were married and tried to work things out with her despite the fact she abandoned him and her 2 kids, went to a different province and stayed with a guy for a month or so. He was abused by her verbally, physically and mentally and then he chose to still want to make things work out with her? I don't get that.

Then there was me, who treated him like he was the only man in the world for me, never insulted him, never had a fight with him about anything, and in fact took damn well care of him and helped him through his issues including financial advise. And yet in the end, he dumped me to listen to his parents and get involved with a girl whose within his own community.

Seriously, why do u let a good thing in ur life pass u by?

Men are messed up!
 AJ2517
Joined: 2/27/2006
Msg: 47
What is it that makes you hang on to your lover despite red flags?
Posted: 10/14/2012 8:54:21 AM
Some men are messed up, no doubt about that......And anyone that enables that type of man needs to take care of themselves and see that and run...Same goes for messed up women
 femka
Joined: 10/1/2010
Msg: 48
What is it that makes you hang on to your lover despite red flags?
Posted: 10/14/2012 9:53:46 AM
AJ2517 .. the red flag is that he does pot, once a day, but still does it. I have a no tolerance policy when it comes to drugs and we have talked about it but no solution came of the talk. He at least told me during the second time we spent together so I at least hand it to him that he was honest and wanted to make sure nothing was being withheld. He has reassured me that its not going to lead to anything harder, that its a once a day thing, that he's done it for 15+ years and obviously its not going to change. Now the ball is in my park, and I have to decide if its something I'm willing to let slide and live with (and to continue to pursue him, or if my values and standards are too firmly planted that I should let the rest of what seems to be a great guy, go.

The 'relationship' is still so new yet that I need to make up my mind before allowing it to go further.
 AJ2517
Joined: 2/27/2006
Msg: 49
What is it that makes you hang on to your lover despite red flags?
Posted: 10/14/2012 10:47:33 AM
Femka, thanks for the explanation...In your case especially, you are right, the ball is in your court....It's great you both have talked about it.....I can't speak from your deal, I have not been with anyone who smoked pot...If it is an issue for you now, will it always be and will that start to unravel the other good things?.....Sorry I have no words of wisdom for you.
 eljaytea
Joined: 12/4/2010
Msg: 50
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What is it that makes you hang on to your lover despite red flags?
Posted: 10/14/2012 11:03:45 AM
She was Funny. She made me laugh. Had a deep wounded soul that drew me in.

She also was indifferent to how she treated me. Was affectionate "on demand." Turned everything slight or inconsiderate thing she did to me into something that I did wrong.

I went back a record-breaking 13 times!

That's worthy of a post-topic in itself: "How many times did you go back before you learned?"
 liz0412
Joined: 7/20/2009
Msg: 51
What is it that makes you hang on to your lover despite red flags?
Posted: 10/14/2012 1:28:30 PM
Oh I agree 100% I did risk pain to get another fix! And yes I've even endured pain to get that fix! Well said Verityone!
 Wedne003
Joined: 4/11/2011
Msg: 52
What is it that makes you hang on to your lover despite red flags?
Posted: 10/14/2012 2:16:18 PM
Cant help, you need to look inside yourself and decide.
AJ2517 is right, if its a issue now it will always be.....not the best way to start a relationship
 greenIsis777
Joined: 3/14/2012
Msg: 53
What is it that makes you hang on to your lover despite red flags?
Posted: 10/14/2012 2:30:15 PM

the intolarable situation they're in; they date a cheater, or a cool person who doesn't show affection


I just wanna say in reference to the cool/non-affection part, some people are just that way, especially until you get to know them. I'm like that, and I have dated guys like that. It doesn't mean our desire for you is any less. we just don't show it!

I run into this with kids/not want kids. I have one older and I am not having any more, under any circumstances. not even if the 'right' guy came along, forget it. a lot of men around my age or younger want them or have small kids and I want no part of that. I quite like this one guy who I think wants kids, we haven't discussed it but I think he does. why do I still want to see him? *sigh, I'm attracted is the only stupid answer I can give. I assume it's that way with most people.

there are lots of people out there you can date that have THAT quality you love and even better ones, I don't know why people would hang onto a person for a singular reason. maybe they think the field is limited or that's all they can get?? maybe they think they won't find it again or that the person is their soul mate because they match so well in that respect. please. just because I meet another vegan doesn't mean I want to marry him.

as for putting up with negatives, there has to be some underlying issue like low self esteem or lack of worthiness. no healthy person would stay with someone whose negatives widely outweigh the positives
 greenIsis777
Joined: 3/14/2012
Msg: 54
What is it that makes you hang on to your lover despite red flags?
Posted: 10/14/2012 3:27:58 PM

You are asking specifically, but I would rather answer in general .... People do not even see the red flags because the flaws that the other person has matches or counter balances some flaw in the person who is hanging on .... generally because whoever raised them had those flaws. That is why a person should 'have it together' and be happy with themselves before they go looking for a significant other.


I agree completely. although sometimes you can see the red flags clearly yet feel drawn to the person anyway, as in 'I know this is bad for me but....'
 mesee3
Joined: 6/9/2011
Msg: 55
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What is it that makes you hang on to your lover despite red flags?
Posted: 10/14/2012 4:31:19 PM
LOL I agree with you.
 untilever
Joined: 10/6/2012
Msg: 56
What is it that makes you hang on to your lover despite red flags?
Posted: 10/15/2012 12:24:15 AM

two people who are willing, and ready to face the opportunity, may even laugh as they dance over the flags.

Amen to that!

I always think that you wind up with people whose are exactly as &*^%ed up as you, but they have to be &*^%ed in the right way. Basically, your insecurities, egos, and other difficulties fit comfortably into theirs. Two aggressive, controlling people will rarely put up with each other for long. But one aggressive person, and one passive person may last twenty years. They will unconsciously seek each other out, and then learn from the relationship how to communicate more effectively. The relationship may not last forever, but it teaches.

The drive to pair up is pretty darn strong.
 femka
Joined: 10/1/2010
Msg: 57
What is it that makes you hang on to your lover despite red flags?
Posted: 10/15/2012 4:52:08 AM
Thank you to all those that have replied to my issue.
Zermatt, in my head I know that what your saying is so right. I DO have children (two daughters to be precise) and have gone over this in my head as to if this were either of them, I'd tell them to move on. Not to even mention that I wouldn't want to bring the 'wrong' person into THEIR lives and take the risk of losing them to their father should any of the realistic and bad things you mention, happen.

Dating a pothead is something I'd expect to run across in my early twenties, but I'm pushing 40 and its something that I just dont want to tolerate. I have worked far too hard in the last few years as being a single Mom, to allow something to destroy it all in one foul swoop. I think I have my answer now. I appreciate all the feedback I got here .. it so helps to just talk it out and hear other peoples perspectives. Thank you!
 tampasmiles
Joined: 11/12/2010
Msg: 58
What is it that makes you hang on to your lover despite red flags?
Posted: 10/15/2012 5:25:54 AM
If you look at it as a learning experience...
You grow the most from the people who challenge you the most.

If someone is perfect...does everything you expect...loves you in every way...never makes a mistake...you aren't growing and you aren't probably in the relationship fully.
 _Leahcim_
Joined: 9/10/2012
Msg: 59
What is it that makes you hang on to your lover despite red flags?
Posted: 10/15/2012 6:49:42 AM
A situation of this nature comes down to an insecurity, a dependance, or lack of confidence to go it alone. Nothing more.
 jrzygirl43
Joined: 9/6/2012
Msg: 60
What is it that makes you hang on to your lover despite red flags?
Posted: 10/15/2012 7:30:00 AM
I think there's a difference between red flags that make you think twice versus a difference in likes, disikes, how we do things, etc...red flags for me are family rship issues, depression/mental illness, issues w/ smoking/drinking etc..

bottom line at 43 I don't stick arond w/ red flags, who the hell would.

Sure no one truly wants to be alone but to have a fear of starting over or being alone is silly...I'm confident and independant enough to move on and to be alone.
 _Meta_Man_
Joined: 7/2/2012
Msg: 61
What is it that makes you hang on to your lover despite red flags?
Posted: 10/15/2012 7:56:11 AM
This whole discussion is relevant to things I am working on and learning right now. I read through the first and last page only but want to respond.

I like that the original poster (a couple posts later) highlighted the fears associated with this behavior. Ultimately, these fears become an attachment challenge...and I'm going to suggest there are so many angry women even in this thread that have been abused and hurt that are not able to be honest with themselves either...and our responsibility in a relationship is to know ourselves honestly and then present in a fair way to learn conflict resolution with our partners void of resentment and rich with love.

The attachment challenge I speak of is that we stay with these people (abusers for an example) because deep down we want to be the person that enacts change in their lives so they have allegiance to us. That's right, it's a selfish motive. And nothing good comes of selfish motives. No, you are not responsible for someone else's behavior either I don't want to suggest that. But you are responsible to be so controlling you want to change someone to the extent of ignoring the red flags...and therein lies the heartache of your abuse at your own hands not the person who was abusing you....because you can bet that person had their own control issues and when married with your control issues the whole relationship becomes toxic and sick. Both people need to step up to the plate here not just one by leaving. Yes leaving is the option when one person does not step up to the plate...but ultimately we remain when we want to enact that change.

AJ, you are so right on man. Thank you for your clear and level headed responses in this matter.

To the woman asking the question about the Pot head...sorry but you can't date this man. Be patient and find a man that is truly for you. Daily pot use is his way of coping with the world around him. It is not about a transition to harder drugs it's the way he's programmed and your discussions have clearly indicated he has no interest in reprogramming. You just don't want these coping skills and you don't want to expose your children to them either. You need love in your life that is true not false ... and communication and love that is built around someone who uses escape as their coping mechanism is never going to be true.

Good luck!
 J_bird61
Joined: 10/22/2011
Msg: 62
What is it that makes you hang on to your lover despite red flags?
Posted: 10/15/2012 2:58:11 PM
"What is it for you that keeps you hanging on?"


Hope. Determination. Trying to have a correct view of "entitlement". Loyality. Desire for success.
Reminding myself I was in for better or worse and here's the worse.
 _Meta_Man_
Joined: 7/2/2012
Msg: 63
What is it that makes you hang on to your lover despite red flags?
Posted: 10/15/2012 3:12:45 PM
JBird can you expand on your thoughts about entitlement?
 Whisky_River
Joined: 9/12/2010
Msg: 64
What is it that makes you hang on to your lover despite red flags?
Posted: 10/15/2012 4:10:38 PM

What is it that makes you hang on to your lover despite red flags

In my circumstance....I did this but for different reasons..according to my age.
First husband.....I hung in because I was naive...thought it was love...had his children...had no money of my own...scared to go alone....but I did make the move after 17 years.

Latest....yep..red flag...too much of a partier(drinker)...seen it at the beginning...was kinda on the fence because I enjoy a few and like socializing too...Plus...other than that....we got along fantastically...!!
But after a year...it wore on me...too much babysitting...too much money spent...ugh!!
How's that song go..."You ain't much fun since I quit drinking"
I blame no one but myself....knew in my gut....wasn't the lifestyle I wanted.
Get out now...He won't change...
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