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 nexthyme
Joined: 9/12/2007
Msg: 2
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Say something or keep my mouth shut?Page 2 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
Ohhh wow, what a horrible situation.

I woud be for asking him WTF his issue is. That there are many people that lose there spouses, and your sister has done everything to keep alive, and including him cheating on her.

Seems to me once he got into the cheating pool, he hasn't felt the actual desire or need to give it up.

This is one of those things that it seems like talking with close family to see what they think.

This guy is just awful, and it would be a really horrible way to derail the work your sister put in getting better.

Best wishes on making a wise choice, and help on knowing how to handle an ugly situation.
 sanddallor
Joined: 8/30/2008
Msg: 13
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Say something or keep my mouth shut?
Posted: 12/1/2008 7:07:42 AM
By all means, confront him. That way, can find out if he's dealing with some personal issues or if he's just a real jerk!
 sydneyleigh
Joined: 3/21/2008
Msg: 18
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Say something or keep my mouth shut?
Posted: 12/1/2008 7:45:12 AM
I have been in this situation myself with a former spouse.
People stay in marriages for a variety of reasons, and she may have told him to "do what he needs to do".

I'd say talk to him first.
Ya'll may be close, but you aren't inside the marriage.

sydney
 ImAHotMess
Joined: 7/11/2008
Msg: 22
Say something or keep my mouth shut?
Posted: 12/1/2008 8:32:45 AM
Me, being the way I am, would open my mouth. People do not mess with my family OR my close friends. And I would personally feel horrible if I knew this sort of thing and did not say anything. Yes it sucks, it is nasty it is brutal. It also is not fair to her, and he sounds like he has never really changed from the beginning. I know maybe SOME people can, but in my own thoughts, a cheat is a cheat. And he could be doing HER more damage that she knows about. I would e mail him as well, on that web site. People are so stupid. Married 20 minutes, or 20 years. Cheating is cheating, and lying is lying.
 GeneralizingNow
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 24
Say something or keep my mouth shut?
Posted: 12/1/2008 8:59:15 AM
I would say something to him, and tell him I'm talking to my sister in 2 days--would she rather hear it from him or her? No one messes with my family, and I DO know my sisters, and know they wouldn't put up with this from their husbands. So even though I'm not in the marriage, it IS my business.
 c_deacon
Joined: 3/13/2005
Msg: 31
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Say something or keep my mouth shut?
Posted: 12/1/2008 10:26:56 AM
I certainly would let him know that you saw his picture and comments, and that you would like to understand what and why he is doing this, in order to decide what you are to do or not.

It becomes so easy to judge and convict another without understanding the total situation, facts, and all other parts of this that one may not know or understand. How dare any of us, just out and out decide the situation without truly knowing about it?

The point here is that this is his life with your sister, and not yours. Let him have a one to one discussion with you, in order for you to get facts, and not just point fingers and become the judge and jury on circumstantial evidence.

I so dislike gossip mongers that feel vindicated by bits and pieces of a puzzle that they have no clue to what the overall puzzle looks like at all. I much prefer a calm approach, asking quality questions, and giving others the chance to give answers that are theirs, and not yours.

Once known, you will have to decide if you are to let this go, and keep it to yourself, or explain to him what he must do in order for you to feel comfortable with the situation. The last thing on your list would be to tell others in the family, or your sister. She might already know, and if you bring it up to her or the family, all you have done is complicate matters that the two of them might already be working on, or have a solution for that is not yours or anyone's business.

OP.....You are in a tough situation with a chance to be so human, and so kind, that what you do could benefit all involved with your deep consideration of how this should be handled in a mature, adult, and professional manner.

Good luck.

Just my opinion.........
 c_deacon
Joined: 3/13/2005
Msg: 35
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Say something or keep my mouth shut?
Posted: 12/1/2008 10:48:12 AM
Her loyalty is to commitment that they have together, and how that looks for the two of them. It is not for us to decide what works or not, what is or not, or what they are working on or not.

I agree that the both of them should know what is happening and why, but to take this all in our own hands without talking to him first, is just not the way I think it should be done.

We do not know what the two of them already know, or tolerate with each other. For all we know, she could be doing the same, and they have a contract about their marriage, or some similar understanding that is none of our business.

I am not condoning cheating, so please do not kill the messenger. I am stating that most couples know much more than what others see or believe, and that there is always two sides to every story, and that it takes two to make a relationship, and two to break one up.

Why should we step in blindly, with not all the information, and become the third party to this side of such potential damage and humiliation, that neither can survive, or both will turn their back on the one that brought them this information that is not complete.

I would think it much better to send her sister a check for counseling that the both of them could attend in private and work this out on their own, one way or the other. I would suggest that she be there for her sister, and open minded enough for understanding of all that is involved in this, both good and bad, but not to stand that man against the wall and shoot him because she has decided for herself what is, and what is not.....

Just my opinion......
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 37
Say something or keep my mouth shut?
Posted: 12/1/2008 11:38:24 AM
98% of the time, situations like this, I say for people to BUTT OUT.

However, in this situation, I think it might make the best sense to speak to the BIL privately and let him know that you've seen him active on a dating or social networking site and ask if he's thought about the possible consequences if somebody else spots him and takes the matter up with his wife. I agree that his wife may have a subconscious or unacknowledged recognition that her husband if not actually having his hand IN the cookie jar, is certainly considering it. Or there may be some sort of implied consent/agreement. For obvious reasons, I don't think that one's decision to have an open marriage, or put hubby on a really long leash, are things one would chat about at the Thanksgiving Day dinner table.
As for future responsibility for the sister possibly contracting an STD, that is on the HUSBAND. If (God forbid!) the OP's sister were to contract an STD, that is the husband's fault for not only cheating, but failing to protect himself and his wife. Using the threat of "feeling responsible" for a friend or loved one's STD is a clever way to guilt trip someone into busting /punishing a cheater,but it is NOT a valid premise!
The OP needs to speak to the BIL before she makes any further decisions about this situation.
Cindy O
Cindy
 nexthyme
Joined: 9/12/2007
Msg: 40
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Say something or keep my mouth shut?
Posted: 12/1/2008 12:31:58 PM
Shari your sister is at a better place now, and I think it is an excellent idea to copy before he has had a chance to delete it.

I would FIRST give him a chance to come clean (she laughs because he's been a liar and cheat before), and let him know that YOU have already copied all his profile. Then let him know he has a certain amount of time to come clean. I would also let him know that this is the last thing you wanted to deal with, and coming across his profile was definitely not something you had expected out of him.

You sister does need to know that her husband is doing something that can compromise her health. With the chemo (or what ever they used) and the cancer, her health is compromised, and just a yeast infection from a different woman can be a bigger issue than for most women.

Next of he forces the issue, I you have to spill the beans I would do it delicately, and have a sit down with her in a calm place. Tell her you don't know what this means about her spouse, but while you were looking for sites to do internet dating you found this, and show her the goods. I don't know, I think I would also let her know you had already spoke with him and gave him the chance to let her know.

Let her know it breaks your heart for her, and yourself to even have to say anything, but you love her, and of the implications are the worst with him (IE: he is hooking up with these women) you fear for her health.

As I stated, I don't know if you have close family members, perhaps back up support would help.

It seems with this cad, he won't clean up his act, and fly straight, simply because he's had a taste of a whole buffet he NOW enjoys.

As for them making some arrangement, I have to really wonder. If your sister is in growing good health, would she really decide that it is ok for him to continue to troll and catch new fish?
Good luck



No doubt, you can justify whatever you choose to do. He is "wrong" in an objective sense, but are you sure that you'd be serving her best interests, by destroying her marriage, leaving her alone and on her own?
I just hope you think carefully before you impose your sense of "right and wrong" on her.


I am in shock how many men think that this cad would suddenly change. For all anyone knows the AFFAIR they "worked through, was NOT his first.

I know a cad who cheated so many times that he doesn't know the number. The wife only knows about one, because he was so blatant about it.

They divorced, and he has a new long term GF, he has already cheated multiple times on her through the net, and says that he has NOW changed his ways.. Yet he's still on a $ex site.

POINT IS, this cad screwing around can and will endanger her health. The sister NEVER asked to be put in this position, and just putting her head in the sand will NOT be helpful to the sisters health.

I don't imagine the this OP is going to let her sister go homeless, so that the poor gal will fall into depression and relapse, and and... Come on, flip the script, if a woman was cheating on you, OR trolling for some otther fish, would you hope your brother just keeps it to himself?????


 JerseyGirl2008
Joined: 12/27/2007
Msg: 48
Say something or keep my mouth shut?
Posted: 12/1/2008 4:42:09 PM
The guy is obviously a scumbag with zero character and integrity.

Talking to him FIRST is only going to give him a heads up to go deeper underground and find another site to join that might be harder for everyone to find his worthless ass next time around. Confronting him isn't going to magically take away his need to act like an alley cat. It will just thwart his efforts temporarily while he kisses his wife's ass and lies his head off to her about being temporarily insane.

He obviously feels compelled to troll for sex any way he can get it and he'll continue to do so. He'll just make sure to be more sneaky about it in the future.

OP, you were given the gift of SIGHT. You saw what he's all about. Your sister needs to know what she's really married to so she can make a decision based on the knowledge of what her reality is and not the swill he's been feeding her.
 TxSippiGal
Joined: 9/30/2007
Msg: 49
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Say something or keep my mouth shut?
Posted: 12/1/2008 4:59:12 PM
Well it probably isn't gonna make a difference.. but I'd sure let him know I know what he is up to.. But if your sis is happy don't tell her..

How long has it been since the cancer??

I am a cancer survivor so I know what she is going through..

I am not for telling her right now because of the cancer... she is still recovering from her ordeal.
 nexthyme
Joined: 9/12/2007
Msg: 51
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Say something or keep my mouth shut?
Posted: 12/1/2008 5:53:13 PM
Whether this guy gets a heads up or not doesn't matter, if she has already copied the material... Seems like she caught that part before busting in on his trolling scene.

He can go as underground as he likes. He can also use the excuse that she is to fragile, as another poster who has HAD cancer, stated, and I, her sister does NOT need to be exposed to anything, because it will just make her sicker.

SO, lets keep her in her happy place, and she gets really sick even from some simple yeast infection, and YES, the germs from someone else can make a woman with a low immune system sick..

What is she just supposed to continue going through these, not knowing why she keeps getting sick??? Until he brings home chlamydia, and really gets her sick, because of her immune system???

Seems like some of the posters think because she has had cancer and treatment, she won't have sex with her spouse... WHICH I have met a lot of gals, and guys, and they still have sex. Perhaps she wasn't feeling so hot when she was all puffy from meds.. However the OP said she was looking good.

Then I have read, what if she can't find someone else.. Hmmmm seems to me that if she were to decide to stay with his cheating a$$ again, then she has made that choice. However she will be in the know, and at least can demand he wear a condom...

This guy is not being there through sickness and in health, and he can have the choice to come clean, OR to lie... However the proof will be in the print, and that is worth a thousand words, of his lies, and excuses...

 GreenEyesGoldenLocks
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 53
Say something or keep my mouth shut?
Posted: 12/1/2008 7:11:05 PM
send her a link to his profile. I used to work with a woman and I found her husband on a website and sent her the link.. they need to know, I would want to. there may be some fallout but she is your sister you need to tell her.
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 61
Say something or keep my mouth shut?
Posted: 12/2/2008 9:33:13 AM
Before you do anything else, PRINT out his profile. It should have the link at the bottom and a time/date stamp. That is proof that he DID have a profile up and what it said, avoiding the awful coincidence that you would talk to her and he would either change it or delete it in the meantime.

If it were me (and I have a married sister) I'd take go straight to her. Even if he is just chatting/flirting, you have to assume the worst because the possible risk is physical harm to your sister. I wouldn't ever be willing to take that risk.
 Wildman46
Joined: 6/4/2008
Msg: 62
Say something or keep my mouth shut?
Posted: 12/2/2008 9:52:23 AM
OP she is your sister, Do you really need to ask what the right course of action is? TELL HER, But before you do, make sure you collect all the evidence to proof your story. The last think you should do is confront him, Give him a chance to make something up. Tell you Sister, Take her to his profile and show it to her, point out the last time he logged on. Give her all the tools she needs to make an informed decision, Then if she chooses to stay with him, Your conscience will be clear, you did all you could.

Don't let some morally Bankrupt a$$hole me a fool out of your sister. She stayed with him before, maybe because she was not healthy enough to deal with it at the time. It's a different time now, She is healthy again and strong enough now to face it..... TELL HER, It's the only choice you have.
 blonde chickie
Joined: 11/3/2005
Msg: 64
Say something or keep my mouth shut?
Posted: 12/2/2008 10:12:16 AM
I know how you feel OP. The same thing happened to my Grandmother( my Father's Mother), she had breast cancer and during that whole time my Grandfather was cheating on her, my Father found out and couldn't help it, he told her, it was something he didn't wanna do but he had to.

Good luck on what you decide.
 nexthyme
Joined: 9/12/2007
Msg: 66
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Say something or keep my mouth shut?
Posted: 12/2/2008 1:20:46 PM
Despite the outcome, it is for HER concern and well being that YOU ARE willing to say something.

I would tell her this is the last thing in the world you wanted to let her know, SHOWING HER THE EVIDENCE. Then tell her it is because you are worried about any physical complications that can happen if par chance he has actual HOOKED UP with someone.

Hug her and let her know that NO MATTER WHAT, you are there, and you will be there to get her through it.

People find love after cancer, however they don't find it after dying, when they didn't know they were being exposed to something.

KNowing she WON'T be angry with you means a lot, and YOU have had the courage to ponder and explore your options, and the how to handle this, so this isn't a flash in the pan type of decision you made in haste.

It will be ok, it takes time, but with the love and support, even if she were to CHOOSE to stay, will make it OK in the end...



 Dee4166
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 73
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Say something or keep my mouth shut?
Posted: 12/3/2008 4:27:00 AM
Been in this situation myself...easiest way to deal with it is to go to the cheat-er and tell them that you know what shenanigans that they're up to...and that you yourself will go to the cheat-ee and spill the beans if they don't!

This method has the added benefit of giving the cheat-er time to squirm a little and wallow in some much-deserved shame! Muwahahahahaah!!!

But in all seriousness, it's not necessarily easy or fun, all facetiousness aside, and whether you like it or not these types of situations can strain even the best of friendships and though there's no certainty that they will turn out badly...There's also no guarantee that they won't!

I wish you the best of luck....Just remember, doing the right thing doesn't mean that it will FEEL good!!! Or be well and justly rewarded...Life isn't a fairy tale after all....
Good luck!
 cowtrucker
Joined: 5/20/2007
Msg: 75
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Say something or keep my mouth shut?
Posted: 12/3/2008 10:38:17 AM
That's a very complex situation... The best advise I can think of, would be to put yourself in your sisters shoes, and decide if the situation was reversed and it was you who was being cheated on... How would you feel not knowing, vs having your sister tell you she saw your wife doing something she shouldn't be doing...?

Personally, if it were me, I'd really want to know the horrible truth... I'd hate to go through life thinking everything was great, and come to find out another 5 or 10 years down the road that it wasn't. I'd be more hurt later on down the road, than I would be now.

Good luck to you on your tough decision!

CowTrucker
Chapman, Kansas
 nexthyme
Joined: 9/12/2007
Msg: 79
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Say something or keep my mouth shut?
Posted: 12/4/2008 1:04:06 PM
Shari, really glad things worked out, AND that someone that wasn't related had the ovaries to say this is NOT right!!!

Poor sister, I know she laughs because she's been running this through her mind, and as much as it hurts, she savors the thought of busting his ass, and being the one to see his stupid look, as the gig is up. I wonder if he will try to play the I knew it was you all the time, or just freaks out. Don't know what kind of bro in law you have, but I guess I can see why you sister is secretly looking forward to making him squirm like a big ol worm.

At the same time, I am sure the laughter hides the hurt that she feels inside, but she is being strong, and being the tough woman she has always been breast cancer or not.

I think you did the right thing, because he very well could have totally candy coated things. Besides it sounds like your sister wants to nail him in one of the harsher ways she can...Good luck t0 all of you, be interested in the total out come, because it is nice to hear a woman being tough, and having support from family and friends
 radikal1
Joined: 7/4/2009
Msg: 85
Say something or keep my mouth shut?
Posted: 7/8/2009 7:38:14 PM
OMG! Tell her ASAP! Please. You don't know what kind of disease this dude is bringing home to her. Please don't let this dude do this to her again. He doesn't love her and is using her and direct your sister here to www.survivinginfidelity.com/ it will help her start to heal.

-Nate
 parklabrea
Joined: 1/4/2009
Msg: 86
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Say something or keep my mouth shut?
Posted: 7/8/2009 9:00:53 PM
This thread is 7 months old and he did tell his sister as he explains in an earlier post.
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