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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > If an individual is a hoarder, can they romantically attach to someon      Home login  
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 SueCat51
Joined: 8/11/2007
Msg: 47
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If an individual is a hoarder, can they romantically attach to someone?Page 4 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
I couldn't marry or have a long term relationship with a hoarder. I can't help but wonder if one who hoards has a totally disorganized life (physically, emotionally, spiritually, & financially).
 professora
Joined: 7/28/2008
Msg: 48
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If an individual is a hoarder, can they romantically attach to someone?
Posted: 12/16/2008 5:44:31 PM
I keep up with all the advice and information. THanks

Peppie
 prof48
Joined: 3/17/2005
Msg: 49
If an individual is a hoarder, can they romantically attach to someone?
Posted: 12/16/2008 6:48:40 PM
My dad was a hoarder. Mom managed to remain married to him for nearly sixty years till he died. She did quite well selling off the properties he had acquired, though it was a bit of a pain to haul the junk away.
 Merrylass
Joined: 12/30/2007
Msg: 50
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If an individual is a hoarder, can they romantically attach to someone?
Posted: 12/17/2008 7:55:33 AM
Remarks like the following are unfair


He seems to prefer stuff to a relationship.



Do they value those possessions more than people


The very definition of compulsion means it's not a 'choice' or voluntary act:


Compulsions are not voluntary activities and are not performed for pleasure. Instead, a person with a compulsion feels the need to engage in a particular behavior to relieve the stress and discomfort which would become overwhelming if the activity were not performed in a specific, repeated manner. Examples of compulsive motor activities are washing hands until raw, repeatedly checking the security of a locked door, and arranging and rearranging items in a set order. Some examples of compulsory mental acts are counting or silently repeating specific words. If a person troubled by compulsions is unable to perform such activities, stress and discomfort increase. The performance of the acts relieves distress but only temporarily.

Often, compulsions are not acts that could logically be expected to relieve or prevent the fears that inspire them. For example, a person might feel compelled to count numbers in a certain order to "undo" the perceived damage or threat that follows a thought or behavior. Or a person might check to make sure a door is locked every few minutes. Compulsions, in some cases, are attempts to undo obsessions and are usually not successful.


As for whether it's an illness:


Perhaps it is, though perhaps not. According to

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Digital_Pack_Rat


However, if you read further, you find that hoarding is in the DSM and Wiki goes on to say


Several studies have reported a correlation between hoarding and the presence and / or severity of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). Hoarding behaviour is also related to obsessive-compulsive personality disorder (OCPD). There may be an overlap with a condition known as impulse control disorder (ICD), particularly when compulsive hoarding is linked to compulsive buying or acquisition behaviour. However, some people displaying compulsive hoarding behaviour show no other signs of what is usually considered to be OCD, OCPD or ICD. Those diagnosed with attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) often have hoarding tendencies.[5]


I lived with someone who suffered from OCD. It is definitely not a choice and it doesn't mean a person is incapable of relationships. The issues are unrelated.
 woobytoodsday
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 53
If an individual is a hoarder, can they romantically attach to someone?
Posted: 12/18/2008 5:12:43 AM
About the Altoids tins. . . . The way I figure it is that they need to be looked at as a new kind of building material. . . . .


 arwen52
Joined: 3/13/2008
Msg: 54
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If an individual is a hoarder, can they romantically attach to someone?
Posted: 12/18/2008 7:24:38 AM
I've known a few in my life and an acquaintance of mine married one. My experience is that they are pretty disturbed and hard to live with in an intimate relationship. Nice friends and okay at a distance, but not intimate relationship material. My friend is separated from his wife. It wasn't just the fact that living in the same physical space with her was impossible, she's an extremely controlling, disorganized, and critical person. She is not capable of a healthy relationship.
 professora
Joined: 7/28/2008
Msg: 55
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If an individual is a hoarder, can they romantically attach to someone?
Posted: 12/22/2008 10:16:15 AM
Have read each post. appreciate the advice and information.

My current relationship is with a hoarder. According to a hoarder site, he is a low level or a #1 hoarder because he has walking space/ sitting space and recognizes the need to change. He has been cleaning partly due to his own concern and partly due to my SHOCK.

As time goes by, I will see how this develops. We get along well with only a few bumps and do a great many things together. We also like pets and share a common ethnicity.

As far as realtionships....his longest relationship was 5 yrs. I was married for 26 and later dated one man for 11 1/2 yrs.
 dustcloud
Joined: 5/25/2008
Msg: 56
If an individual is a hoarder, can they romantically attach to someone?
Posted: 12/25/2008 5:59:37 PM
My dad is a horder. He grew up in the 30's. I looked in the garage and saw a tow bar leaning up against a coke box that dated back to the 50's. He had paint stored in a wooden ice box so that it wouldnt freeze. Well I put him in touch with an antique dealer and he was able to get rid of a couple of items and buy more. I was working on my truck at his house a few years ago and needed a bolt. He then started dumping out buckets. I suggested that he sort of these buckets so that they only held a certain size and he laughed. He told me that you cant sort and classify every bolt. Well the bottom line is that he is happy. Mom is happy until he wants her to can that 200 lbs of black eyed peas he grew. Basicly hoarding is a parody of "He who dies with the most toys wins" Only the redneck version is "He who dies with the most scrap iron covering the acreage wins"
 valjohn
Joined: 9/12/2007
Msg: 60
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If an individual is a hoarder, can they romantically attach to someone?
Posted: 12/27/2008 9:35:47 AM
Can they attach? That's the important question... I don't think so.

My experience is that people who are dysfunctional in some way know they are and are very annoyed with that fact. Most would love to find someone to help them solve their problems and help them become "normal". But that will never happen - no one can be fixed by another person. As a partner, you can be the most supportive and loving person, but the relationship will always end because the dysfunctional will eventually become more annoyed with you for not holding up your unspoken end of the bargain.

My advice is to search out healthy happy people! Better odds!
 professora
Joined: 7/28/2008
Msg: 62
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If an individual is a hoarder, can they romantically attach to someone?
Posted: 12/28/2008 8:32:56 AM
Notaredhead: " [he] was overwhelmed to do anything consistent about it" - so true. Consistent is the key here. Little bits are accomplished but overall, the mess remains.

The cluttered house probably is a sign of a cluttered mind.
Thanks

Peppie
 Rootie
Joined: 1/10/2008
Msg: 65
If an individual is a hoarder, can they romantically attach to someone?
Posted: 12/28/2008 8:13:06 PM
I have met and dated a hoarder (first Time I have ever dated one)..however hoarding is not the only problem...this person is also reluctant to venture out of the apartment too...Time is spent inside this place with only the Tv and telephone for communication....how does one help this person? Is there possibility of a long term relationship with someone like this??? Or am I am wasting my time and energy???
 trillium0
Joined: 1/14/2007
Msg: 66
If an individual is a hoarder, can they romantically attach to someone?
Posted: 12/28/2008 8:45:34 PM
You can have a wonderful relationship with a hoarder, The old cameras, railroad magazines Model train accessories, were not allowed in public spaces. You have to accept that certain rooms are filled with stuff he will never use. If you threaten his hoard you will probably lose him or her. I got tired of walking around stuff that was laid up against a wall in the guest bedroom, I cleaned the room out...It was the beginning of the end
 65MustangGT
Joined: 11/1/2008
Msg: 67
If an individual is a hoarder, can they romantically attach to someone?
Posted: 12/29/2008 9:09:31 PM
Damn Straight! You got that right, sugar!
 Diadora
Joined: 6/16/2008
Msg: 68
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Helping a Hoarder
Posted: 12/30/2008 3:34:22 PM
Flylady.com.
I have passed this on to a number of clutter prone people. They have run the gamut from the one room full to the house with several out building stuffed to the gunnels.
Flylady. com has helped them all. It is not over night and not easy but it makes the change in attitudes and space manageable.

To some people it may seem corny but it is the only system that works for just about everyone.
 WanderingRain
Joined: 3/9/2008
Msg: 69
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If an individual is a hoarder, can they romantically attach to someone?
Posted: 12/30/2008 9:50:41 PM
One person's junk is another person's treasure.
And there just might be something of true value to everyone in that pile going to the trash. Our whole society hoards. Even those of us who throw things away are only assigning our consuming compulsion to the landfill. It has to go somewhere. At the very least, hoarders keep the landfills from filling up as long as they could hold out.
 kpooks
Joined: 12/23/2008
Msg: 70
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If an individual is a hoarder, can they romantically attach to someone?
Posted: 12/31/2008 9:10:59 AM
Yes, if you are one of the "possessions" they hoard LOL-! But to romance is to give as well as to take, so I think I see what you're saying--yes, I think they can, if they step outside their comfort zone.
 pamioakley
Joined: 5/26/2013
Msg: 72
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If an individual is a hoarder, can they romantically attach to someone?
Posted: 10/7/2013 6:03:39 PM
I've never been involved with a hoarder, but my brother is married to one. They've been together for over 50 years. While their house doesn't resemble the series because you can walk through it, there is stuff ALL over the place and walkways through the rooms. I know their home embarrasses them. On a few occasions, his wife has purged (when our mother died and the family was going to gather there after the funeral and when their daughter married and his wife needed to impress the inlaws for showers and such). He never wants me to visit... if I do, we sit on his front porch or get together elsewhere. At one point, he talked about renting an apartment so that he could have a neat space of his own. I guess the answer is yes, someone can. But there is pain for them along the way.
 elmuchoburrito
Joined: 8/27/2013
Msg: 73
If an individual is a hoarder, can they romantically attach to someone?
Posted: 10/7/2013 9:39:07 PM
I own a duffle full of clothes
a back pack full of books
a laptop
a bike
and riding gear.

I travel light.
there are times that even the cr@p that I do OWN feels like too much.

I doubt I could ever be with a hoarder - my wander lust is entirely too transitional to keep all that shiate - or the mentality that needs to keep it.
 motown_cowgirl
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 74
If an individual is a hoarder, can they romantically attach to someone?
Posted: 10/8/2013 5:26:51 AM
I travel light.

I remember when everything I owned fit into the back of a Datsun (right after the dee eye vee oh arr see ee). I can't get back into that mentality. one of the first things I did was run out and buy 3 pairs of shoes at the same time. I went nuts with the shoes.




HOARDING DEFINED:
-the acquisition of, and failure to discard, a large number of possessions that appear to be useless or of limited value.

-living spaces sufficiently cluttered so as to preclude activities for which those spaces were designed

oh thank god. my possessions are useful and have unlimited value. and furthermore, I can still make it to the bathroom without tripping over a Vermeer or a crate of 100-watt incandescent light bulbs.



can they romantically attach to someone?

if they can romantically attach to piles of old magazines, soy sauce packets and pharmacist receipts, then why couldn't they romantically attach to someone who could romantically attach to someone who collects such important artifacts?



The cluttered house probably is a sign of a cluttered mind.

Probably much the same as a sterile home is a sign of a sterile mind.


 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 75
If an individual is a hoarder, can they romantically attach to someone?
Posted: 10/31/2013 3:06:44 PM
professora- yes, they can.
What I want to know is how someone who isn't a hoarder could live in filth?!
I know it's a mental disorder, but I refuse to live with someone who hoards.
 April1963
Joined: 6/7/2013
Msg: 76
If an individual is a hoarder, can they romantically attach to someone?
Posted: 11/3/2013 6:23:47 PM
I believe they CAN'T romantically attach ... perhaps only during a month more or less.

Sometimes child protection removes the kids from those homes, because the parents do not want or can't change.

I thought that these hoarders shows were invented, because I could not believe a human being could live among so much garbage inside a House.(to be honest, still think that this kind of show is not real/ true.)
I saw a hoarders show where the lady was not even throwing away the dirty (used) toilet paper.

My personal opinion is that this IS NOT a mental disorder, IT IS PURE LAZINESS!!!I feel no compassion for a hoarder.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 77
If an individual is a hoarder, can they romantically attach to someone?
Posted: 11/4/2013 3:35:56 PM

I thought that these hoarders shows were invented, because I could not believe a human being could live among so much garbage inside a House.(to be honest, still think that this kind of show is not real/ true.)


I don't know about the shows not being real or true. I watch the TV show Extreme Collectors occasionally, and the title is right-it's extreme. The host goes into people's houses to see their collection of whatever (it seems like anything is collectable), and some people's houses are completely filled with whatever it is they're collecting-every wall, top to bottom. It seemed like most of the people are not married or in a relationship-no huge surprise. They're married to their collection.

The host appraises what the collection is worth. Some of the collections were worth tens of or over a hundred thousand dollars. The puzzling part is the people have no interest in ever selling their collection. They just want to buy more to add on to their collection. So the collection is worth nothing monetarily if the owner has no interest in ever selling. Penny Marshall, of Laverne and Shirley fame, was one of the houses they went into because of her huge collection of baseballs signed by famous baseball players from decades ago.
 MS.ICENI
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 78
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If an individual is a hoarder, can they romantically attach to someone?
Posted: 11/6/2013 12:10:13 PM
A few months ago I visited the home of an old high school boyfriend. He had been hesitant that I visit (he had been to my home already) but he had warned me it was a hoarder's paradise. He wasn't kidding...you had to walk sideways to get through the living room, one of the two bedrooms was packed so full you couldn't get in the door, the garage was completely full of stuff, you can't imagine how full this place was. It wasn't trash; it was stuff...much of it still in the packing boxes stacked to the ceiling...years and years of stuff, and it was very real. But what was worse was the smell...it made your eyes burn from years of cat/dog waste, birds, and God only knows what else. I sat for a minute on the one space in the living room where one could sit and took that smell home with me. It was sad, and he seems incapable of doing anything about it. I haven't seen him since; this problem was more than I could take. I wish him well and hope he can get his act together...but I doubt he can do it without help.
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 79
If an individual is a hoarder, can they romantically attach to someone?
Posted: 11/10/2013 1:54:37 PM
April1963- I can see why you feel this way, it is disgusting, but it IS a mental disorder.
Hoarding, at it's heart, is an attachment disorder based on fear-OMG if I don't keep it, I might need it later, or if I throw it away, I've lost something.
The intelligent person in me get's it, but the intelligent person in me also says NO THANKS!
btw-there are numerous links that you can look up that go into hoarding and why it's considered a mental disorder, interesting stuff, but I still can't get past the ick factor even if I understand it.
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