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 Riverkilt
Joined: 11/16/2008
Msg: 2
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Can you be too independent for a relationship?Page 4 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
I've often thought that the ideal "home" for a couple would be three townhouses in a row. You could cut interior doors between the three townhouses.

One on the outside would be hers to furnish as she pleases and be her retreat. The other outside townhouse would be his to furnish as he pleases and be his retreat.

The couple would furnish the middle townhouse and "meet" there for most things. But sometimes she would invite him into her side, or he would invite her into his side.

Independence within a relationship....
 CMonster
Joined: 12/4/2004
Msg: 3
Can you be too independent for a relationship?
Posted: 12/6/2008 6:04:30 PM
It just sounds as if having a viable relationship isn't high on your list of important things in your life. That's fine, there's people who thrive by living the life of an unattached person.

They still go out on dates but it's only as friends. Everything is kept at a superficial level as not to mislead the other person into believing that anything substantial would become of their friendship. These are the thing which could create no-fuss, FWB type relationships.

It might be possible to find a guy who isn't in a rush to settle down but at the same time you would need to anti up something beneficial to him which would make him want to hang around; perhaps a no-fuss arrangement. Other than that, the only other thing that you can to is to make crating a relationship a more important part of your life. The choice is yours but realize that it seldom works to have everything your way once you choose to allow another person into your life.
 CMonster
Joined: 12/4/2004
Msg: 7
Can you be too independent for a relationship?
Posted: 12/6/2008 6:59:21 PM

It makes me feel sad about dating in general, and makes me feel like maybe some of us women, are just not meant to find anyone, because many men can't handle our "independence" from them. Of course there are many stories of both men and women living alone more and more as we get older. I think we also don't want to have to compromise for anyone, and relationships involve compromise.

What's just as bad is the self proclaimed "Independent" women who don't realize that men have more to offer them beside sustaining their livelihood. It's great that both men and women are capable of provide for themselves. However when it's at the sacrifice of offering the time and mutual interdependence necessary for a having a healthy relationship, why bother wasting the effort? It's like buying a houseplant and watching it die because you haven't any time to water it.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 18
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Can you be too independent for a relationship?
Posted: 12/7/2008 6:18:09 AM
Relationships take something called relating. Generally that takes some involvement with the other person... or you aren't relating.

Once an independent person, a fellow I once dated put it to me this way: "I just want the same amount of time and attention you give to your clients... no more and no less. If you can't give me the same consideration you would give to your clients, then I don't see the point of continuing"

That was a wake up call for me... because I saw that I wasn't giving him - someone I supposedly loved - the same level of attention as I was giving my clients, my best friends or my 'To Do' list for that matter. That relationship ended, but the lesson didn't. I began to examine my internal landscape... why I didn't become more engaged with my SO's, what I feared (because under the distance or apathy is fear). It led to a deeper understanding of myself and some real growth as a person.

Yes, one can be too independent. We accept that there are people "too needy" and dependent.... so of course there are people on the opposite end of the spectrum. Both are unhealthy. A person who is too independent is not able to give enough of themselves in order to get to what is needed in a healthy relationship... interdependence.

We are constantly learning, growing, evolving as people. You do have choice in this... and if you want a healthy relationship, you'll begin to unravel the mystery of your fear.
 safn1949
Joined: 6/19/2007
Msg: 25
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Can you be too independent for a relationship?
Posted: 12/7/2008 11:26:56 AM
I like to think I am very independent,I have absolutely no interest in owning a home ,I feel that I can come and go as I please however in a relationship I feel it's just good manners to tell my SO when I will be back .

Marriage? Already tried it ,thanks. It honestly means nothing to me and someone would be hard pressed to get me married again.

Long term relationship? Would love to with the right person,but I'm not your 10 year old so you need to understand that I am not in the habit of explaining my every move to someone.

I like an independent woman who has her own interests and can understand the need to go do your own thing.As a side note I don't hang out in bars,don't fool around and usually can be found in the great outdoors,by myself.

Now I do understand what dogs a lot of us guys are also,so I feel it's important to really know your SO. Trust and all that.
 webweebil
Joined: 9/4/2008
Msg: 37
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Can you be too independent for a relationship?
Posted: 12/23/2008 3:07:00 PM
I just started to get back into looking for a partner in July. I am finding after almost three years of being by myself that I really like my life for the most part. What bugs me is now the fears of letting someone in who could bring along chaos and hurt is almost eclipsing any desire I have to share my life. Reading this forum doesn't help.
 TitusBreast
Joined: 3/18/2007
Msg: 40
Can you be too independent for a relationship?
Posted: 12/25/2008 9:05:05 PM
You need a less needy workaholic if you need anyone at all. It's a matter of preference. You really don't need anyone full-time unless they're on the same page in all matters of life right alongside you. In reality, if he got sick, lost his job, or had some family member take a sh1t on him, would you still want him around? I'd bet the ranch (if I had one, that is) that he'd be very disposable. You're a lone wolf...embrace it! Love, Titus
 Rythmn
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 41
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Can you be too independent for a relationship?
Posted: 12/25/2008 9:59:00 PM
i don't see this as a matter of independence. many people can function independently and still be able to sustain relationships. i think interdependent is the word i am looking for (versus codependence), where people are equally responsible AND equally concerned for the other's well being. spending time together is a joy and not a chore.

to me, you are isolating, versus being independent. need to figure out what your walls are about or if you are on "auto pilot" with your work, in order to avoid some level of anxiety--eg workaholic.
 parry10
Joined: 1/14/2006
Msg: 43
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Can you be too independent for a relationship?
Posted: 12/26/2008 4:59:23 AM
You have nothing to feel guilty about. There's nothing wrong with feeling independent. If he was too insecure too handle it, that's his problem not yours. However, as progressive as men like to think they are, they are still wired differently then us, and some things remain the same. They like to feel needed in a relationship. If you don't really "need" a man to be happy, that can become a problem for some men over time.



LakeCountryGal:

Good Grief......where do people concoct this crap.......oh, wait..I get it...........when all else fails, bash the man!......ughhhhhhhhhh

Seriously, I read the OP's story and all that happened was the guy cared about her and wanted to develop a stronger relationship and spend more time together.....she couldn't so the relationship faded and went away......it happens.

But...........where in all that do you feel the need take a shot at the man?.......just incredible!.....sighhhhhhh

My girlfriend and I took it very slow for a year and a half and the relationship grew stronger with time at it's own pace because we were both used to being independant and were set in our ways........at any point, either one of us could have bailed if we didn't think we were progressing fast enough........and neither of us could have been blamed........just so happens we were both on the same page, so, for us it worked.......but for others it might not have.........now, we both are at the point we can hardly stand being away from each other but we can still only physically be with each other 3-4 times a week due to our career obligations........but we burn up the phone lines the rest of the time.....and we only live 5 miles from each other so it's all good.

however,...there's no villains if it doesn't work........quit looking for one.

I hear what the OP is saying and she explained it perfectly and really doesn't blame the guy much either.....she was big enough to take most of the blame for it not working out due to her independance and that's not a terrible thing to happen either as it's really not her fault but rather, just the way it is..........a lot of us have been there.....good thread!
 ernstt
Joined: 12/20/2008
Msg: 47
Can you be too independent for a relationship?
Posted: 12/26/2008 7:30:47 AM
you CAN be too independent for some types of relationships, you got to find the lifestyle that works for you, not just force yourself into what everyone else is doing

some folk are happier closer, others need to keep a distance or the entire thing breaks down

it is individual, i do not think that any type of relationship is ideal or better, or holier

myself i would never give up my apartment or share it for a relationship ever again, just not worth the upheaval
 FastReb
Joined: 1/3/2009
Msg: 68
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Can you be too independent for a relationship?
Posted: 1/21/2009 7:53:11 PM
I think you actually can be too independent for a relationship. After all, any relationship is based on compromise. The only way that it wouldn't be is if you found someone who didn't care whether their expectations and needs were fulfilled by the relationship.

To me, it sounds like you have reached a place in your life where you are comfortable with your life and aren't really ready to give up any part of it yet. There's nothing wrong with that. Some people just like being able to make every decision concerning their life without having to consult with someone else.

However, since you did start seeing someone, it also sounds like you would like to have someone to share life with at some point. Since you were comfortable with just seeing the guy once a week at the four month mark of the relationship, it reminds me of someone who starts to get into a japanese ofuro. The water is really hot, so you slip into it really slow to let your body adjust to the temperature. The guy sounds like he was just at a different point in that journey.

Good luck in
 myrikally
Joined: 8/1/2008
Msg: 69
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Can you be too independent for a relationship?
Posted: 1/21/2009 8:13:33 PM
I don't think you're too independent for a relationship.

In most ways, I am very similar to how you are. I'm so used to doing things my own way and being so busy with my own life. That I don't often have time to be considerate of someone elses or spend quality time with them.

I think honestly, that you have to find the right person, who lives life in a very similar manner or at least respects the way you are, just the way you are.

There are a lot of men who would respect and admire someone like you and on the other hand, I really feel that once you find that right person, that your attitude about the relationship will change as well.

Don't think too much into it...when the right guy comes. Things will fall into place naturally.
 indieJoy
Joined: 12/27/2008
Msg: 70
Can you be too independent for a relationship?
Posted: 1/21/2009 8:53:16 PM
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 hurricane hanna
Joined: 9/4/2008
Msg: 73
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Can you be too independent for a relationship?
Posted: 5/12/2009 4:40:38 PM
I don't think it's called 'independent'.
 renovationist
Joined: 5/16/2009
Msg: 74
Can you be too independent for a relationship?
Posted: 6/9/2009 2:21:30 PM

I've often thought that the ideal "home" for a couple would be three townhouses in a row. You could cut interior doors between the three townhouses.
One on the outside would be hers to furnish as she pleases and be her retreat. The other outside townhouse would be his to furnish as he pleases and be his retreat.
The couple would furnish the middle townhouse and "meet" there for most things. But sometimes she would invite him into her side, or he would invite her into his side.
Independence within a relationship....


This is an excellent idea! I know it was written tongue in cheek a bit but ya know, it really is a good idea. :)

I think you can be too independent for a relationship to grow, but when I read your original question, it sounds more to me like he was looking for a reason to end things and chose the one thing he knew you'd take responsibility for. Just my humber opinion, but it isn't really logical that you offer to compromise and spend more time together and he says 'spending so little time together' is his reason for the split. Hmmm Sure there's not another lady in his life?
 winteragain
Joined: 3/26/2009
Msg: 81
Can you be too independent for a relationship?
Posted: 9/4/2009 8:32:41 PM
The guy wants to see you more than once a week but you won't budge, you two weren't meant for each other even if your two personalities mixed cohesively. you were happy, he wasn't. that's not fair. you didnt want to step up the life sharing game and he did. come on now, relationships need to move at an even pace, like a sine wave. you can't have one signal moving at a 90 degree starting phase while the second signal has a starting phase of 45 degrees, that's just wrong man even if the frequency was the same as well as the amplitude, the phase needs to be in sync.
 StevieCashmere
Joined: 4/22/2009
Msg: 86
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Can you be too independent for a relationship?
Posted: 10/10/2009 12:41:34 AM
A relationship of substance requires a balance of quality time with a partner & indivdual time to continue the self-development of yourself

~sc~
 Merrylass
Joined: 12/30/2007
Msg: 92
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Can you be too independent for a relationship?
Posted: 10/10/2009 8:36:27 PM
Well, maybe it's just me, but if I am with somebody, it's because I enjoy that person's company a lot. Enough, in fact, that I not only want them around all the time but like it. Doesn't mean we have to be 'joined at the hip', per se, but that we're companions because we like being with each other and enjoy each other's company.

Is that uncommon? Have you 'independent' people never been in a situation like that? What is it about someone that you're supposed to care about that you don't want to be with them a lot? In fact, why are you with them if you don't like them enough to have them around? It doesn't make sense to me. It seems that it just means you kind of enjoy them but don't really care all that much about them.
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