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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > My best friend is a guy - how does that affect men I might date?      Home login  
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 folkartist52
Joined: 9/15/2008
Msg: 24
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My best friend is a guy - how does that affect men I might date?Page 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
As you see it could go a number of ways.
My prediction based on past experience.....you will get serious with someone... he will freak out and let you know how much he really loves you....you will freak out in turn...then years of friendship will seemingly dissapear in the blink of an eye leaving behind a world of hurt.

I could be wrong though
 WhiteTigress0107
Joined: 9/30/2008
Msg: 25
My best friend is a guy - how does that affect men I might date?
Posted: 12/9/2008 8:34:01 PM
I am not a guy but this similar situation happened to me and I am glad you posted on it. I will be watching this one like a hawk. !!!

KAT
 EaglesCry68
Joined: 12/16/2006
Msg: 26
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My best friend is a guy - how does that affect men I might date?
Posted: 12/10/2008 10:37:44 AM

Secure and confident men will not have an issue with you having male friends, per se; it is to be expected. However, flirting and sharing “very intimate secrets” with someone other than your partner is inappropriate and disrespectful. I would think most men would have an issue with THAT.


WOW!! So much insight and trueness here in this forum; I like it. This is why I have more women friends than men. They tend to tell it like it is, and especially speaking to another woman, have no problem speaking from the heart. Much to be learned by sitting quietly among a group of ladies, listening and observing.

What a bunch of excellent posts, and awesome advice..

**OP** As many others have stated; there are underlying feelings for your "friend", and I also agree with what many have said: To sit and flirt and share intimate secrets with a man who is supposedly just a friend, says much more than "Just a friend" to me. In my eyes, you are borderlining infidelity before it has even had the chance to rear it's ugly head. And infidelity comes in many forms, not just sexual.

There is a balance required here, and a soft, shaking ground on which to carry said balance. If you chose to be so open and flirty and intimate with your male friend, then do so, but do NOT expect to achieve success in a new endeavor of the heart and spirit. If you have feelings for your friend, as you've made clear to us all, then either pursue them, or detach from them; plain and simple.

I have many female friends, and my best friends are all but 2; women. I have 3 male best friends that I trust with my life, and my brother is one of them. I have shared intimate conversations with all of them; BUT!! Never while in or attempting to pursue a relationship or monogamous affair of the heart and spirit. and once again, monogamy is a vast concept as well. My friends respect me, and my mate, and do NOT flirt or tell me what I should do when a disruption interferes in my relationship with said mate.

I was in a relationship with a woman who had phone calls at 2AM and what I heard on the other end while the anwering machine rolled, was very uncomfortable, deeply. When I cook you dinner after your long, miserable day at work, and the phone rings and you choose to leave the intimate environment I created for us, to walk off in the other room to talk to, and giggle with your male friend, while I eat alone for 45 minutes, then guess what?? You may as well just show me the door! Cause I won't be disrespected that way, nor should the men you choose to date, while having your cake waiting elsewhere. (Respectfully)


I've always had male friends, too. If a man can't handle it and feels threatened, then he's not the man for me.

And thus, some want their cake and eat it too! If your male friends become a threat to your mate, then the problem is you, not the men you date. There is a line to be drawn when pursuing matters of the heart. No exceptions.

Happy Holidays, and God Bless,
Scott.
 Julya13
Joined: 10/25/2004
Msg: 27
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My best friend is a guy - how does that affect men I might date?
Posted: 12/13/2008 3:29:36 AM
Coming from a female that her best friend is a man. I have a friend that I have had for YEARS. He is the cutest thing and everyone says so, but for me there is NO chemistry. Even though he would like too. I have told them there is no way in hell. He has accepted that and we are best of friends. He is my main protector; he also feels that he needs to screen my potential relationships.

Every man I have had in my life since we have become best friends, have accepted him. I just tell them before we get involved that they need to know that he is in my life and that there is NOTHING going on between us.

As long as you are honest and truthful to your potential SO there should be no problems.

Julya
 Mafiachixrule
Joined: 5/4/2007
Msg: 28
My best friend is a guy - how does that affect men I might date?
Posted: 12/13/2008 4:01:42 AM
It shouldn't phase them in the least if they are secure within themselves and YOU don't cross boundaries. Meaning sharing intimate secrets and hiding the time you spend with the male "friend". There has to be balance. I have many male friends and this HAS caused problems in the past. So I dumped the guy. Find confident men and make sure you introduce them to each other. This is an absolute must. Men are different than females with territorial space. He'll respect you more if you let them meet and converse.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 29
My best friend is a guy - how does that affect men I might date?
Posted: 1/11/2012 10:44:01 AM
He is the cutest thing and everyone says so, but for me there is NO chemistry. Even though he would like too. I have told them there is no way in hell. He has accepted that and we are best of friends. He is my main protector; he also feels that he needs to screen my potential relationships.

Guys don't like this if that's going to be kept thru a dating process and into a relationship.

If a guy told you he had a single female BFF that he found to be the cutest thing and everyone else thinks so, and that she wants him, but he's told her no.... but says she's accepted that, and is his main protector and screens any potential girls.... are you Seriously going to be okay with that?

It's called c0ck-blocking. That's why people don't want their girl or potential girl having a really tight, close friendship with a single dude. He most likely likes her, even if he's accepted the fact that he won't get her in the present and very well not in the future. It's insane to be cool with that and to think it isn't potential trouble.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 30
My best friend is a guy - how does that affect men I might date?
Posted: 1/11/2012 11:15:39 AM
As a guy with a best friend who is a woman and who sees nothing wrong with you having a guy as your best friend, here are the problems I see with your particular situation:

At one point, I thought there may eventually be more to this relationship but it has never evolved.

Apparently, your relationship is platonic not by your choice, but by his. You've only settled for friendship in lieu of more.

I invited the guy I was dating to go to dinner with me and my friend once and he seemed fine with that.

I think you have your priorities backward. You and a bf ought to come as a couple in this case and you should be inviting your friend out to dinner, not going out to dinner with your friend and inviting your bf to tag along. The guy you're dating ought to be welcome by default.

Is it possible to have both?

Sure, it's possible to have both as long as you do what you need to do to make the guy you're dating comfortable with your friend. I made sure my fiancee was comfortable with my best friend by making sure they had each other's phone numbers, by talking openly when making phone calls rather than going in another room to talk, by making sure my best friend had no hesitation to call my fiancee's phone if she didn't get me on mine and lots of other little things that said she was a platonic friend not someone I wanted to boink. You should treat your platonic male friends the same way you treat your female friends and vice versa.

Coming from a female that her best friend is a man. I have a friend that I have had for YEARS. He is the cutest thing and everyone says so, but for me there is NO chemistry. Even though he would like too. I have told them there is no way in hell. He has accepted that and we are best of friends. He is my main protector; he also feels that he needs to screen my potential relationships.

That's an example of a ``platonic'' relationship that would cause me to not date a woman. He's not a platonic friend. He's interested in you. You should not be thinking of a platonic friend as your ``main protector'' and he sure as hell shouldn't be screening your dates. Any guy who would put up with being screened by your friend and essentially be second on your priority list, is a weenie.
 attitude17
Joined: 10/8/2011
Msg: 31
My best friend is a guy - how does that affect men I might date?
Posted: 1/11/2012 1:35:26 PM
I have 2 very close male friends (not best/but close).

I am in a new relationship with a man I met on here (almost 3 months).

He has met both of them, and has started his own separate friendship with the one that is single.

Seems all hunky/dory...I thought it was...until last weekend. Apparently, my new guy has an issue with the three of us "ALWAYS" being together. He wants one weekend day for just "HE and I".

Never any flirting or anything between the single friend and I, but it doesnt matter..I am not going to ditch my friend, but I am going to take one of the weekend days and just make it the two of us.

I think I would have a problem with this issue as well..just never thought of it.
 SireKane
Joined: 12/26/2010
Msg: 32
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My best friend is a guy - how does that affect men I might date?
Posted: 1/11/2012 11:43:46 PM
In my opinion yes, it is my experience that men don't choose to be your friend, they are regulated to that status. Meaning he wants to have a more romantic relationship with you but knows you do not with him. He accepts the "friend" without benefits status, because rejected or ex suitors do not remain a part of your life. In being your friend without benefits he gets to keep hanging around hoping that in time you will see him differently. That approach is pretty effective. This past weekend my favorite bartender told me that she had had recently broken up with her boyfriend and just started dating a guy who she had been "friends" with for about a year. I own a club in Los Angeles County, I briefly saw a women from Riverside County. She would come to my club with a man she described as her best friend. I noticed that he always wanted to leave when it seemed we were having the most fun, and if she stayed later than he wanted he would have an attitude. I told her he acted more like a jealous boyfriend than a best friend. She denied it. Sure enough after attending a party at my club, on the drive home he confessed that he wanted to be more than just friends. I was not surprised in the least. Men view other mens intentions differently than women do.
 ReformedEvilOverlord
Joined: 3/22/2010
Msg: 33
My best friend is a guy - how does that affect men I might date?
Posted: 1/12/2012 5:16:21 PM
Interesting fact that you didn't say you weren't interested in your relationship with your friend developing into something more intimate. If you're not sure, and he's not sure, how can a guy you're dating be sure. I would sincerely have no issues dating a woman who had a guy as her best freind. I know lots of women who are the stereotypical "prefer the company of men" types over friendships with women. But I wouldn't be stupid enough to get seriously involved with a woman who wasn't categorically crystal clear that that is all he is.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 34
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My best friend is a guy - how does that affect men I might date?
Posted: 1/12/2012 5:24:18 PM
I've always had male friends, I just prefer their company. I have never hid it or treated their friendships as anything other than being my buddy. I introduce them as any other friend and I always know and maintain a respectful relationships with their wives and GFs. My partner is never excluded from a gathering and I don't get bent out of shape if a new GF does not want me around. I get it, some people have issues its not my problem and I respect people's territory.
If your male friend is sniffing around and single, I can see where a BF may have issue with it.
I don't cheat, I don't take sides if they have romance problems and I keep my nose out of their business.
 ponygt
Joined: 12/26/2011
Msg: 35
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My best friend is a guy - how does that affect men I might date?
Posted: 1/12/2012 6:33:29 PM
In short....it could. It depends on the guy you are dating's insecurity level, trust issues/past experiences, etc. But it also depends on how you act around your friend, what you say (more how you act than words), the body language you give off, and whether or not you represent your friendship in an honest fashion when you mention it to the guy you're dating. Why would you discribe your best friend as a casual friend? That right there isn't total truth and sends a red flag to him. ESPECIALLY if he's had bad experiences. IMO, be upfront and honest about it. If they can't handle it, it's their problem.
 Cat*Eyes
Joined: 9/13/2006
Msg: 36
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My best friend is a guy - how does that affect men I might date?
Posted: 1/13/2012 12:51:56 AM
I have always had male platonic friends and none of my past relationships ever had a problem with that. 3 of my platonic male friends have committed relationships with their girlfriend and neither of their girlfrinds have any problem with me being friends with their man.
 AxMurderer
Joined: 5/30/2011
Msg: 37
My best friend is a guy - how does that affect men I might date?
Posted: 1/13/2012 4:24:33 AM
2008 post bumped to 2012 and the OP is gone.

I'll take bets that she and her friend are making wedding plans by now.
 ruspukin
Joined: 9/29/2010
Msg: 38
My best friend is a guy - how does that affect men I might date?
Posted: 1/13/2012 2:20:08 PM
If your friend interferes with the your dating, the guy your dating has issues, and that need to be addressed. In fact good friends are needed and encouraged. From my perspective, you're in a doomed relationship, but what the heck, a negative relationship is better than none at all....
 Tima62
Joined: 1/10/2012
Msg: 39
My best friend is a guy - how does that affect men I might date?
Posted: 1/14/2012 12:05:05 PM
You can have male friends and still date. Heck, bring him along if you ever do something they'd both like. There's nothing wrong with having a male best friend. I've always had male friends (grew up with 3 brothers) and there's no stopping me. Yes, men have felt intimidated, but that's their fault. And get this, men who I've dated have become good friends of mine. The truth is, if the person you're dating isnt comfortable with you having male friends without you ever give them areas on to be, then leave it. As for your best friend, eh, he probably just doesn't want to ruinthe friendship, and you shouldn't ever confuse the love of friendship with loving someone.
 OutofControlMan
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 40
My best friend is a guy - how does that affect men I might date?
Posted: 1/14/2012 12:09:05 PM

Hug occasionally, cried together, worship together, engage in deep conversations, get very honest and share very intimate secrets but never held hands walking, never kissed -even a peck.


that all sounds pretty "intimate" to me. Intimacy means haring feelings, emotions. it does not equate to "sex" despite how many people mis-use the term.

-you can be intimate with someone without having sex with them

-you can have sex without being intimate.

you are EMOTIONALLY attached to this person even if you don't/have never had sex with him
 luvspjs
Joined: 11/15/2011
Msg: 41
My best friend is a guy - how does that affect men I might date?
Posted: 1/14/2012 6:47:59 PM
so having your emotioanal man alreaady in your life you should probably jsut look for a hot bod for sex because then youll have your cake and eat it too!
 kaypolensky
Joined: 12/15/2006
Msg: 42
My best friend is a guy - how does that affect men I might date?
Posted: 1/14/2012 7:03:55 PM
I am not a guy but had a similar relationship - he was an off and on relationship for over 20 years, then we finally decided about 7 years ago that it would never work that way for us. We became best friends; more than ever. He unfortunately passed on a couple of years ago of an unexpected and untimely massive heart attack (only 42 years old - young to me, I am not sure of your age) -RIP my loved one.

Yet the man I was going out with, and his [my best friend's] girlfriend also -HATED our relationship. We had something special that didn't involve sexual acts, and there is nothing wrong with that. Hold on to it and stand up for it. He may even turn out at the 10 year point to be the man you really love.

Some times I wonder, now that my best friend is gone, if I shouldn't have tried, just a little bit harder to make it work. We were always attracted to each other but never crossed that line after we made that decision that it just didn't work as a couple. It made the man I was seeing at the time that eventually cheated on me and ended up engaged to that woman, well it made him down right furious. I doubt that it will go over well with your boyfriend (s') and would keep it to my self as much as possible; but who am I? Just a woman who has had a similar experience, and the men did not like it. I believe they deemed it a real threat; it could have been their insecurity also. Dunno but good luck! And remember to cherish the ones that you truly love and love you, you never do know.
 kaypolensky
Joined: 12/15/2006
Msg: 43
My best friend is a guy - how does that affect men I might date?
Posted: 1/14/2012 7:08:02 PM
What's wrong with that? Men do it all the time, yet they usually go the extra step and involve sex and then just lie.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 44
My best friend is a guy - how does that affect men I might date?
Posted: 1/14/2012 8:15:58 PM
Meaning he wants to have a more romantic relationship with you but knows you do not with him. He accepts the "friend" without benefits status, because rejected or ex suitors do not remain a part of your life. In being your friend without benefits he gets to keep hanging around hoping that in time you will see him differently. That approach is pretty effective.

I agree, and that's a common thing. "Oh no, not with me!" they'll say, but the number of times you hear that from a gal far far out-numbers the number of girls who end up having the guy confessing, making (gasp) moves on her at some point down the line, having feelings herself (less common), etc.

There's a big difference between a relatively close 1-on-1 friend of the opp-sex and someone who's considered a friend in a social circle who one mingles with. So just because a gal has a guy friend within a social circle, doesn't mean there's potential energy for something.

IMO, there's different positions a relatively close 1-on-1 guy friend can be:
1. He's attracted to her, but he doesn't have expectations and accepts being friends to meet hers and doesn't consider making a move (unless she offers some opportunity that catches his eye, but hes not 'looking').
2. Same as #1, but does have lingering thoughts about possible expectations and given enough time will make a move when really drunk at some point when single for a while or on the rebound, etc.
3. What the above quote refers to -- he's being friends, camping out, and thinking he'll get a chance, thinks about her, and will jump on the chance when an opportunity arises.
4. He's into her and she knows it, but likes the attention and likes having guy friends over female friends, and he keeps his feelings to himself (almost) always, so it's cool to her. A variation of #3 or #2.

And of course, variations on #1 -- where the guy may NOT want to make a move, and not get involved: A close friend's sister; someone they're technically related to so no way but the flirting/attraction is fun; the guy is really odd/abnormal and wouldn't want to date the girl despite attraction -- her attraction brought him in and helps keep him there; but actually porking or dating he wouldn't want due to sub-culture constraints.
 SeaCatcher
Joined: 9/11/2011
Msg: 45
My best friend is a guy - how does that affect men I might date?
Posted: 1/14/2012 10:18:00 PM
He's your best friend; he's not your lover. Any mature man interested in dating you will recognize the difference. Over the years I've had several male best friends* - and I've had lovers. I've never had a conflict of interests, and I can't imagine you having any either. You know very well that it is possible to have platonic relationships with men (you're having one right now) and the integral difference between those relationships and lovers. So, yeah, you can have both.
* As a matter of interest, I virtually grew up with a boy (I still know the guy) from infancy onwards. We were best mates and did all kinds of things together, but, like you and your friend, never kissed. Throughout our teenage years into our early 20s, we went on adventures together, but dated other people. He married and had a family. I married, etc etc.
 Larrytwa
Joined: 8/1/2006
Msg: 46
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My best friend is a guy - how does that affect men I might date?
Posted: 1/14/2012 10:42:58 PM
Depends is that friends with BENEFITS?

Hell, if you have a friend what is the big deal.
 Cinnaberry1230
Joined: 9/1/2010
Msg: 47
My best friend is a guy - how does that affect men I might date?
Posted: 1/16/2012 5:16:14 PM
If you didn't think this would be an issue then you wouldn't ask. Of course it with interfere. I do not date men who tell me they have girls as best friends. Period!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 HappySingleSpirit
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 48
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My best friend is a guy - how does that affect men I might date?
Posted: 1/16/2012 8:51:35 PM
I assume the way it will affect you is a weeding out process until you find a confident guy. They do exist.
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