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 LSimple
Joined: 9/19/2008
Msg: 51
Before the Holidays or After!!!Page 3 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
Autumn Marie...

Thanks for your post...it was interesting and helpful...and honesty...
I have started the slow approach...have been avoid calls...trying to back off so
I dont get hurt by him not seeing me at Christmas...I have made myself unavailable
even tonight...when he was online and wanted to chat...
I have decided to wait until after Christmas...it has been a one sided relationship
for months now...I dont want to hurt his feelings so close to Christmas...I just cant
do it anymore...I want someone who will make the time for me...will share his kids
with me...( I have shared my sons with him)...He is only seeing me when its right
for HIM...
I feel its the best for ME...and I believe its not worth it also...
Thanks for caring...

 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 52
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Before the Holidays or After!!!
Posted: 12/20/2008 1:11:25 AM

I dont want to hurt his feelings so close to Christmas...

If he really is as distant and one-sided as you say OP, then I doubt he is going to be gutted.

A little earlier in the thread you said something to the effect of you're just not ready to let go... and my guess this is really what is the issue for you. We draw on our own hurt feelings when we imagine the hurt of others, and I can see you don't want your own hurt to swell up before Christmas.

Have you told him how you feel and that you'd like to be closer? Because distancing, which is what you're doing now, is not designed to get you what you want. Sometimes people distance hoping the other person will notice and come 'knockin' on your door'. Take a look inside OP, and see if you've got that hope fluttering around in there.
 JulietJuliet
Joined: 6/7/2007
Msg: 53
Before the Holidays or After!!!
Posted: 12/20/2008 4:39:02 AM
OP Is this the same guy who asked how you would feel if he slept with someone else?
(I read your history and this occurrence happened back in November).

he couldn't even take home a piece of my birthday cake...afraid
that his kids (which are 18 and 20)...might asked where it came from...
...Can I assume that his children don't know about you? Why is he hiding you from them?
The more I read about your situation the more I believe that you think you are in a serious relationship when he thinks it's merely a FWB's type situation.
You need to find out where you stand and take it from there.
No gifts for each other? No time spent together over the holidays, No introduction to his son's (remembering you have been seeing each other for 8 months or so). I doubt this is a relationship with substance.
Why are you asking when to dump him and then saying in another post
I am not ready to let him go...
???
Remain with him and you will give yourself a dose of heartache for Christmas.
 ~SparklingRose~
Joined: 10/20/2008
Msg: 54
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Before the Holidays or After!!!
Posted: 12/20/2008 6:15:30 AM

(JulietJuliet)... you think you are in a serious relationship when he thinks it's merely a FWB's type situation.
Clear cut to me, also.



(JulietJuliet) Remain with him and you will give yourself a dose of heartache for Christmas.
Guaranteed.

Up to you, OP.... Then, again, it actually always has been.

** Yep... confused also as to your asking advice of when to leave his mess behind, if you always knew that you weren't going to do anything about standing up for yourself, and ending his game until after the holidays... if ever. **
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 55
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Before the Holidays or After!!!
Posted: 12/20/2008 6:48:20 AM
People that ordinarily consider others' feelings should continue to do so if that is who they are, not premise their behavior on how they are treated by someone else. In this case, you have a man that is holding you at arm's length for a reason, particularly the comments about the kids, he has no intention of EVER having a real relationship with you.

The fact is that you won't ruin his Christmas but if you continue the farce of a relationship you are going to allow him to some extent to ruin yours because you will be hurt by the way he treats you.

I would break up with him now because that is what you should do for you. Find a man who, if he has kids, is intelligent about initially limiting exposure but isn't intentionally leading two lives.
 forumgenie
Joined: 6/1/2008
Msg: 56
Before the Holidays or After!!!
Posted: 12/20/2008 7:43:19 AM
Are you freakin' kidding me??!! You are concerned ab0ut the feelings of this narcissistic low life? Never, never, EVER, make someone a priority in your life who only makes you an option. And a very low one at that.

Please re-read the history of your posts and pretend your best friend wrote them. What would you tell her? Wouldn't you tell her to high tail it out this faux relationship?

I hope Santa gives you a big ol' dose of self esteem for Christmas.
 LSimple
Joined: 9/19/2008
Msg: 57
Before the Holidays or After!!!
Posted: 12/20/2008 11:34:37 AM
Julietiuliet...

Yes, he the same one from November....
His kids know about me but he hides it from them cause he says they are
hurt by his ex wife...I believe the kids think she will come back someday...
I thought that we were in a relationship...cause he has told me many times he
doesnt want me to find someone else...I have come out and asked him where I
STAND...he has told me that he likes me...loves my company...and that he
feels comfortable with me...but he is lost...his soul is hurt from his ex...
I am not ready to let him go...I dont want to hurt his feelings...I know in my
head its for the best..but my heart doesnt want to let him go...
He comes here talkes to my sons...knows them...but I have never met his kids...
Its not fair that he comes here at Christmas and sees my tree and I cant see
his...(thats small but its how I feel )...
He is controlling the relationship...he is making the rules...and its time to give
up on him...I guess my heart is tooooo soft...
Thanks for listening...
 JoeRossman
Joined: 9/17/2008
Msg: 58
Before the Holidays or After!!!
Posted: 12/20/2008 11:38:10 AM
I would love to hear his side of it.

Have you been placing demands on him? Do you constantly call him 2-3 times a day and talk about yourself?

do NOT take offense to these questions. Just...pause...and ask yourself...is there anything he needs from me...besides your beautiful self....maybe an ear? Has he had losses in his life?
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 59
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Before the Holidays or After!!!
Posted: 12/20/2008 12:04:54 PM
Well now OP your latest post doesn't make him sound like a distancing, uncaring jerk... it makes him sound hurting and not ready for a relationship yet.

In that case, I can see waiting til after the holidays... but I think you're not accepting that he's still in that hurt awful post break up place. You want something more that he just isn't in a place to give yet... and I see little purpose in making him wrong about it.

Let him go with love... tell him, if you are still available, you'd be open to resuming once he and his family are in a better place.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 60
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Before the Holidays or After!!!
Posted: 12/20/2008 12:34:46 PM
Sometimes we meet people at the wrong time, and whether because he is a jerk or still hurting, he is holding you at arm's length and usually when things start this way they don't get any better, i.e. he will always associate you with this period of his life and probably not be able to get beyond it with you.

Follow your heart on when to cut ties. Tell him you know that he didn't mean to hurt you but you want more than he is able to give (and that is not going to change anytime soon because he is still wallowing).

If it is really going to hurt you to be "with" him in this way over the holiday, then tell him now. If you can deal with it, wait until after the first of the year.
 LSimple
Joined: 9/19/2008
Msg: 61
Before the Holidays or After!!!
Posted: 12/20/2008 2:04:12 PM
No demands at all...dont phone him...only answer his message if he writes...
or chat when he is online...saw him two weeks ago...but we both have been
sick with flu and cold...He has a huge loss almost two years ago...he lost his
ex wife...he was married for 23 years...he is taking it hard...lost soul he says...
No offense at all...thanks...
 readyornot57
Joined: 1/19/2008
Msg: 62
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Before the Holidays or After!!!
Posted: 12/20/2008 6:13:02 PM
Just want to say, OP, that after checking out your profile and some of your comments, you seem like a great person who is genuinely hurt by this, your New Year's plans(from another thread) seem fine, wish there was someone who could get you through this......It seems so sad for you to want to meet his kids and you can't. You deserve better. Really.
 LSimple
Joined: 9/19/2008
Msg: 63
Before the Holidays or After!!!
Posted: 12/20/2008 8:24:48 PM
readyornot57...

Thanks for the nice reply...it was really sweet...I know I deserve better...
I am trying to make plans for the holidays without him...dont know if he will
even phone me...he has hinted that he will not see me at Christmas and that
would be the last straw for me...its not fair to have Christmas and not have the
person that in your life around...but I cant control him...or what he does...
I am going to make the best of it...celebrated with my sons and friends...
I have a big heart and will not say anything until after the holidays...I would
not like it if it happened to me before Christmas...
Best to you...
 LSimple
Joined: 9/19/2008
Msg: 64
Before the Holidays or After!!!
Posted: 12/21/2008 2:37:50 PM
Well People...
I was talking to him this morning...He has no plans to see me over the
holidays...he came out and told me...that Christmas is for family only...and its
a trying time for him...even thats its his second Christmas without his ex wife...
I feel hurt...that he doesnt think enough of me to see me even on Boxing Day...
The New Year is around the corner...and its time to start over fresh...
I plan to do that!!!
Thanks for listening...
 redhair lady
Joined: 3/11/2008
Msg: 65
Before the Holidays or After!!!
Posted: 12/21/2008 3:04:44 PM
OP,

Something sounds "fishy" to me. Are you really sure his "ex" is gone? You said you haven't met his children nor his family. There is something that he's hiding from him. Dump him NOW. He's not worth any more of your time.
 one tall chick
Joined: 4/27/2007
Msg: 66
Before the Holidays or After!!!
Posted: 12/27/2008 2:47:11 PM
just curious, have you done it yet??
 new iberia
Joined: 4/23/2008
Msg: 67
Before the Holidays or After!!!
Posted: 12/27/2008 3:19:03 PM
you will hang in there till after new years , then you will bolt.. my prediction
 LSimple
Joined: 9/19/2008
Msg: 68
Before the Holidays or After!!!
Posted: 12/27/2008 5:26:09 PM
Just waiting until after the New year....Thanks for caring...
I thought maybe he might tell me he was sorry for not seeing over the
xmas holidays...but nothing...
Does he want to be right...or alone for the rest of his life...
This was a dealbreaker for me...I am done...

Happy New Year...
 LMK45
Joined: 3/27/2007
Msg: 69
Before the Holidays or After!!!
Posted: 12/27/2008 5:43:41 PM
OP, you'll be OK. It surely hurts, but don't forget that YOU are half of this 'happy couple'. Except it doesn't seem like there's much happiness, if any. Time to start a new slate for yourself, and find someone who is available emotionally. You seem to be a good, kind person, and it's time to take care of you. Happy New Year (a/k/a Happy New Slate)........
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 70
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Before the Holidays or After!!!
Posted: 12/27/2008 5:54:21 PM
^^^ agreed.. but wait until your emotional state is clean as well.. Heal from this one before jumping into dating again so you don't accept from someone anything less than what will make you happy.
 one tall chick
Joined: 4/27/2007
Msg: 71
Before the Holidays or After!!!
Posted: 12/27/2008 6:24:21 PM
you keep saying you are done...but you havent DONE anything yet....dont be scared, being single isnt the end of the world!

and remember: this is not about HIM. His feelings are not the issue here. Be honest with yourself, you are not waiting to break it off to protect him...you are protecting yourself. You will be happier once you have done it, not right away....but you will be!

We all deserve to be with someone who makes us feel appreciated or at least LIKED~ I wish I could give you the strength you need to move on, but it will come sooner or later. I just hope he doesnt do any more damage to youre sense of self worth while you are getting there!

good luck
 LSimple
Joined: 9/19/2008
Msg: 72
Before the Holidays or After!!!
Posted: 12/27/2008 9:44:29 PM
Thanks onetallchick....

I want to do it in person...or maybe over the phone...
I am taking the week to put my words together...I am not scared of being single..
I was married for 20 years...had two relationship after my marriage...I have
no problem being single...I have a great family and friends...
I have been honest with myself...its not working for me...I want more...and
he cant give me what I am looking for...I am going to spend the winter working
on myself and date come the summer...
I have lots of strength to move on...I am a strong positive person...I believe in
myself...Thanks for caring...

Happy New Year....Best in 2009...
 Ralleac
Joined: 5/17/2008
Msg: 73
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Before the Holidays or After!!!
Posted: 12/27/2008 10:25:56 PM

Would you dump someone or let someone go before Christmas?
Or would you respect their feelings and wait until after the holidays?


I'd say do it asap. If you let everything go on like nothing is wrong you're only disrespecting them.
 LSimple
Joined: 9/19/2008
Msg: 74
Before the Holidays or After!!!
Posted: 12/28/2008 11:14:54 AM
Hello...~
I have done it.....let him go...I feel better now...I have not
heard from him yet...likely will not anyway...but its for the best...I deserve
better...someone who can respect me enough to see at xmas...even if its for
a hour ...Risking to love also means risking to get hurt...but I am ok...
Time to move on...and look ahead to the new year...
Thanks for all the support and kindness...Best in 2009...

LSimple...~
 kindredspirit1961
Joined: 12/27/2007
Msg: 75
Before the Holidays or After!!!
Posted: 12/28/2008 2:07:19 PM
I dumped a man I've seen for more than 2 years three days post Christmas--he made no effort what so ever to plan our holidays together so I made my own plans. Yes I was hurt coming home alone Christmas Eve which really made my decision clear. The holidays are about spending time with the ones you love after all...I dumped him yesterday and know the New Year will be a whole lot nicer!
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