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Show ALL Forums  > Single Parents  > Do I tell Mom? I think it's my daughter's place here...      Home login  
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 Wylie_Coyote
Joined: 5/12/2007
Msg: 1
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Do I tell Mom? I think it's my daughter's place here...Page 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
Okay, Mom says kids don't have sex till they are married and that isn't till they are 25, end of story. My girls are on the east coast with Mom and with me on vacations. I'm on the west coast.

I've been the one talking about sex and sex issues with my girls, now 9, 14 & 16. At age 10 & 8 for the oldest girls the 25 & married story didn't fly when we drove passed a teen aged girl pushing her stroller. I explained that sex is where babies come from, dropped them off with Mom and took up reading “Pa ranting Magazine”.

Found an article telling me that at age 8 I should be answering questions with out offering too much info and only explaining the mechanical issues. Over the years this has progressed and with my oldest I negotiated with her at age 11 that she wait till 16 and she stood fast on age 13.

Well, we made it to 16 and she wants to be on birth control. She has been orally active for a year and wants to be ready when the time is right with her b/f of 8 months now. Mom freaks out every time she brings up the subject and in turn she gets less access to her b/f. She is telling my that condoms are her plan.

I tell her that condoms are great for protecting her from STDs but especially with younger users they aren't really reliable for B/C. She wants to be on the shot every 12 weeks but Mom wont hear of it. Based on my research that seems to be appropriate.

I have asked her to talk a different way with her Mom. I recommend that she ask for advise on deciding on which B/C is stead of asking for permission. PlannedParenthood will help her in offering advice, exams and prescriptions without parental consent. This is some 40 miles away for her and tough to make it on her own.

I'll be in town between Xmass and New Years and can take her to PPH. I'd far rather know that she is well educated and as protected as one can really be than waiting on her Mom to wake up to reality.

What do you think? Do I owe anything to my ex here in telling her that I'm going to help our daughter? 3 months from now she should be driving so the next shot shouldn't be an issue.

Thanks for your opinions,
J Mac
 Wylie_Coyote
Joined: 5/12/2007
Msg: 2
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Do I tell Mom? I think it's my daughter's place here...
Posted: 12/13/2008 8:53:59 PM
Greypoupondjon,

Thanks for not reading my post. My daughter knows that condoms are for STDs and B/C is for birth control as I have stated. Further this isn't in any way a request for a morality lesson.

The simple fact is that my daughter IS going to be having sex and I WILL help her getting the birth control and all of the education that she needs to remain healthy.

Any interest on the question at hand? Should daughter tell Mom or is there any reason for me to?

J Mac
 Wylie_Coyote
Joined: 5/12/2007
Msg: 3
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Do I tell Mom? I think it's my daughter's place here...
Posted: 12/13/2008 9:29:44 PM
Now that this is based more in reality here I can expand.

I think the "jazz" is more in line with the better choice for younger women. However if Mom is likely to make the pills disappear that shot is still good. Once she has the oppertunity to be on something for a while Mom should wise up to reality. Then if my daughter is responsible enough to take her pill every day she can get the one that is right for her. What ever brand pill or which of the 2 types of pills, the dose is easier adjusted to her specific needs.

So Mom is on her own, right? No need for me to battle with the ignorant?

J Mac
 no_1_bby
Joined: 5/3/2006
Msg: 4
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Do I tell Mom? I think it's my daughter's place here...
Posted: 12/14/2008 8:13:13 AM
J Mac... don't do the shot. While it's effective, there are many who have a hard time coming off it after using it and fertility issues later on. Can take up to 2 yrs to return to normal cycles after stopping it's use. Problem with oral is that some of the micro pills have such small doses of hormones that if she isn't taking them at exactly the same time each and every day.. the difference of a couple of hours could mean she's pregnant.

I applaud you for wanting to be there for your daughter. I applaud you for wanting to make sure she's educated and knows how to protect herself. You and mom need to have a conversation, along with your daughter I think. Mom is gonna freak out if she finds out you've gone behind her back and her express wishes that her daughters abstain until 25 and married. Your's might be the more realistic approach, you can't just negate the mother's. It's undermining her authority and showing a divided front. Not cool.

Kind of makes me glad I have boys.
 Lynsteph74
Joined: 12/1/2005
Msg: 5
Do I tell Mom? I think it's my daughter's place here...
Posted: 12/14/2008 8:24:32 AM
Daughter should tell her if she can...and if she cannot, then the price of Moms previous stupidity is not knowing about an important step in her daughter's life, until way after the fact. She is lucky to have such an involved and educated father.

I would start explaining to her, and the younger ones now, though, whatever your moral position is on sex, and also, how much physically better it is for a female if she waits a while, 16 is young, but she is better off well-prepared than not!
 Wylie_Coyote
Joined: 5/12/2007
Msg: 6
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Do I tell Mom? I think it's my daughter's place here...
Posted: 12/14/2008 10:41:49 AM
Sent my daughter 2 links. First was planned paranthood local to her and the other is

http://www.teenwire.com/

Asked her to talk to her mother and even gave sugestions as to bringing up the subject, Asking for help deciding on vs permission. Or leaving a condom out ant the issue will bring it's self out.

I will of cource take care of my other 2 daughters. I love them all the same so why wouldn't I?

I'm hoping the daughter has her talk and mom decides to be involved. If not I will make sure she gets to where she needs to be. Who if anyone will be with her? That is up to her. If she really wanted me there I'd go but I suspect that she will want to be dropped off and have me return to pick her up.

As far as Mom is concerned, if she wants to stick her head in the sand it's just not my place any more to educate her. My daughter approched me and I'll help her in any way that I can. Mom is there full tme and her choices are hers to make. Mine are mine.

I hear way more negatives on the depo from the public than the professionals. If she needs to sneak around so Mom wont take her pills away thn Norplant may be a better choice. I suspect that my oppertunity to help choose is before she goes in the door. Fom there it's between her and her MD.
 mellow mel
Joined: 7/24/2007
Msg: 7
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Do I tell Mom? I think it's my daughter's place here...
Posted: 12/14/2008 10:52:59 AM
Realiyt is that there is to many teens with STD's and unwanted babies I think you are one smart dad to advise your daughter on BC also I don't think mom needs to be in the picture this is her choice if she thinks mom needs to know then she will tell her but until then continue to what is best for your daughter and let your daughter and her mom take care of their releationship. Mel
 Wylie_Coyote
Joined: 5/12/2007
Msg: 8
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Do I tell Mom? I think it's my daughter's place here...
Posted: 12/14/2008 3:44:37 PM
Joint legal but she has the tie breaker, she has physical. If there were a discussion and she didn't want to she could use the tie breaker. If she wanted to push the issue into court stating that I took a legal custody issue into my own hands it would be up to the courts to decide the outcome.

As I offer my opinions and show my willingness to support her choices I haven't yet violated our court orders. It becomes dicey when I drive her to PPH and give her a few bucks to donate to their charity. As long as I don't go in it technicaly wasn't my choice. All she needs is a ride to the clinic.

Once she is on b/c and is active I have stressed the needs for regular pelvic exams. This is one of her discussion topics with the Dr at PPH.

As far as her being too young in a few opinions, that isn't part of this thread. If you want to push that agenda feel free to post your own thread.

J Mac
 no_1_bby
Joined: 5/3/2006
Msg: 9
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Do I tell Mom? I think it's my daughter's place here...
Posted: 12/15/2008 8:22:48 AM

I hear way more negatives on the depo from the public than the professionals. If she needs to sneak around so Mom wont take her pills away thn Norplant may be a better choice. I suspect that my oppertunity to help choose is before she goes in the door. Fom there it's between her and her MD.


I think they took it off the market due to the difficulties in removal. Pills, patch, Nuvaring I think are good options. I think she's too young for an IUD (Mirena is a good option if she isn't). Diaphram and cervical cap are tricky and not spontaneous and might get forgotten in the heat of the moment.

As you pointed out.. talking to the dr at PPH will be a good thing... and make sure she gets the information (and possibly the vaccine if she hasn't already) for HPV.
 Wylie_Coyote
Joined: 5/12/2007
Msg: 10
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Do I tell Mom? I think it's my daughter's place here...
Posted: 12/16/2008 9:33:44 PM
Take her B/F to PPH? I don't think so. First of all I'm not pushing her into sex, I'm helping her take her next step for when she feels the time is right. That most likely will be soon but it may be longer. She may be on b/c for a while before she is ready and I don't need this kid sporting his woodie when there is serious subject matter for my daughter to deal with. I'm not giving this kid my blessing to have sex with my daughter, I'm allowing my daughter to make educated choices as to how she lives her life.

Why she has waited this long is knowledge. I explained to her long ago that girls view sex as a reward for the love they feel. Boys on the other hand are more on a quest for manhood and how they react to their first time is really different. Boys want to know right away if they are all the same and if not how different are they. With their new found confidence most don't stick around long. Even if hers does, young love is just that. It teaches us how relationships work and more so how they fail. Besides, she shouldn't want this to last forever. She wants to be an Engineer or Architect. Those AP classes that she takes are her goals to achieve, not my goals for her. The b/c is to keep from screwing up the future she plans and she hopes to find her man/woman, (she claims to be bi). Once she has her career and then she will know how much of her time can be dedicated to her serious relationship.

J Mac
 wanderbaby
Joined: 9/4/2006
Msg: 11
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Do I tell Mom? I think it's my daughter's place here...
Posted: 12/16/2008 10:54:08 PM
I think that's great that you are informing her of what she needs to know. Make sure she gets some emergency pills and condoms just in case. If she does decide to go on the pill, if she's on antibiotics for any reason, that may affect the birth control. If she's on the shot, make sure she gets them on time or there may be a small window of opportunity of pregnancy since at the end of the shot period, less dilution to prevent pregnancy. another option is to tell her to know her cycles, so that she can avoid having sex on the days that she's ovulating.

Sounds like your oldest daughter has a good mature heado n her shoulders. She will probably tell her younger sisters about sex as well, so you're doing a good thing It is too bad that her mom can't be more open-minded about it. Since once she knows, she'll feel hurt that her daughter can't go to her, but that was her choice. I would leave it up to your daughter to tell. If you told your ex, your ex would try to prevent visitation in some ways, then it would be a battle with her and the older daughter which will make your daughter rebel. If your daughter tells, your ex may try to ban her from seeing her bf. Perhaps if you encourage her to talk to her mom about birth control, then you can talk to your ex and reason to her it's better safe than sorry.
 qtsoutherngurl
Joined: 9/25/2008
Msg: 12
Do I tell Mom? I think it's my daughter's place here...
Posted: 12/22/2008 7:31:08 PM
Even if she feels physically ready for sex, at 16 theres no way she is psychologically ready for all the emotional, physical, spiritual ramifications of having a sexual relationship. I'm sure she believes that she is. But as a mature adult you know that there is sooo much more to it than just the act. Having said that, there's little you can do to stop a determined teen. But I agree with the other post. If you want to help your daughter get BC, fine. But she also needs sex education and counseling on an ongoing basis to ensure that she is making deliberate informed decisions and is willing to take responsibility for them.

good luck, and kudos for being so involved
 kbodley
Joined: 11/26/2008
Msg: 13
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Do I tell Mom? I think it's my daughter's place here...
Posted: 12/22/2008 8:02:23 PM
Okay, I think you are in a really difficult position here as a parent, not to mention the non custodial parent, and you need to realize that your daughter is the one that put you in this position. My guess is that she is hoping that you will tell her mother, and thereby take the heat for her, so that she will be able to continue to pursue this course of action and if everything blows up in her face (or womb as may be the case) everyone can point the finger at you! And this is not the time issue that parents should be playing good cop, bad cop!

My suggestion would be this. I would wait until I can have this conversation face to face with your ex. I would call her directly and tell her that while you are in town for the holidays you feel it is important that you, she, and your daughter have a private conversation about teen sex. You might even check with the PPH in your daughter's community and see if they have a teen counselor that your could include in your conversation.

You and your wife should be on the same page here! The page is that 16 years old is much too young for girls to have sex! It is also much too young for young girls to be going on single, car dates - and it sounds to me like if your daughter is already having oral sex with her boyfriend, that relationship is not being properly supervised. Perhaps your ex is not aware of how serious it has become - and if you care about your daughter, you will put her best interests ahead of your desire to be the "fun dad that she can talk to about anything."

Finally, you and your ex need to have a conversation (without the daughter) whereby you both can reach agreement that if it appears that your conversation with her is not having the desired effect (no sex), then what action will you take together to protect her! You may find that the story your daughter is telling is only part of the whole picture. You have a responsibility to bring her mother into the discussion.

It is also possible that your daughter knows she is in over her head and really doesn't know how to get out of the situation. If you give her permission to have sex (by taking her for the appt. without her mother's knowledge) then you are not really helping her make a wise choice! If you and your ex help her make a wise choice now, she will thank you for it ten years from now when she really is ready to make that kind of emotional committment to someone who really does love and care for her.

To wit - No it's not your daughter's place to tell her mother, it's yours. You might have gotten divorced from being husband and wife - you did not get divorced from being mom and dad. Your daughter needs both her parents to be on the same side on this one! 16 is too young! No question! No sex!
 readyornot57
Joined: 1/19/2008
Msg: 14
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Do I tell Mom? I think it's my daughter's place here...
Posted: 12/23/2008 5:38:53 PM
Oh the memories!
I refused to get the pill for my daughter. REASON? Because I was afraid that she would stop using condoms. I took a lot of flak for it to.......but I know my kid and know that this is why she wanted the pill.
 kbodley
Joined: 11/26/2008
Msg: 15
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Do I tell Mom? I think it's my daughter's place here...
Posted: 12/23/2008 5:50:07 PM
Good for you! Readyornot57! Sometimes the hardest part of being a single parent is being the one that realizes you have to make the same decisions as "divorced" parent that you would make if you and your spouse were still together!
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 16
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Do I tell Mom? I think it's my daughter's place here...
Posted: 1/24/2009 5:28:20 AM
First of all, lansmom, I don't think anybody will give a shit about mom's rules when the girl winds up pregnant. Condoms are available anywhere but they are not an effective means of birth control. Do you really want to bank on the ability of a retarded 16-year-old boy to do anything properly? Some parents are not good parents. My x is bipolar and his idea of birth control was apparently to make my daughter feel bad by telling her constantly since she was 8 she would be preggers by 15. When she turned 16 she told him he owed her an apology. Not all parents are reasonable and logical and sometimes the way things should be is not how they can be.

Both are parents which means when a young woman has had an open conversation with her father about her sexual choices and has behaved in a responsible manner and asks his assistance, he does not need to stick his head in the stand and allow her to engage in dangerous behavior in order to protect some right the other parent has when the other parent's behavior is detrimental to the child. Btw, OP, kudos to you for having the kind of relationship that you know she has been active orally, etc. this is something about which most girls would not even talk to their moms.

She is going to have sex unless they lock her up in a room. Her mother is creating a situation that will potentially be dangerous for the child and derail all of her life plans, significantly limiting her choices or forcing her into an emotionally painful abortion or adoption.

The girl is almost an adult and the mother is being disrespectful to her daughter by not recognizing that this is her daughter's choice and that she should be supporting her in making a wise and safe choice instead of predetermining that sex at 16 is wrong regardless of the circumstances. And btw, according to my OB/GYN, the average age kids are having sex is 13 which is why they are trying to give girls the HPV vaccine at 11 or 12 to try to ensure they are not sexually active. One sexual experience can render the vaccine moot.

This young woman seems quite capable of separating her mother's opinions on this issue from the logical other rules that are established but you box a kid into a corner, hell you box anybody into a corner and what are they going to do?

I have always told my daughter that she knows how I feel, how the church feels, and ultimately it is her choice but it should really be a free choice. She has a life planned and has no intention of screwing it up consequently, she wishes to wait for marriage but should she meet someone that she believes she loves, I don't think she will be emotionally scarred if she decides to have sex with him.

My 13-year-old son recently requested I purchase condoms for him. I would personally rather stick a large wooden spike in my eye but the boys have been privy to the conversations I have had with sister, they too know how I feel, about respecting girls, but the decision is up to them. He said he just wanted to be prepared and to learn how to use them. Since they are currently sitting in my drawer to prevent discovery by the 9-year-old, I suspect he was telling the truth.

The point is you cannot afford to be squeamish about your kids. I have always stressed that my primary concern is that they are safe and prevent pregnancy so if that is the case, what choice do I have but to buy the condoms? Providing information and when the time is appropriate, birth control and condoms does not give permission, it ensures that when they do make that decision, they are prepared and don't wind up paying a huge price for the folly of youth. Part of raising children is realizing you have done a good job and it is time to take a step back and allow them to make their own decisions, and succeed or fail on their own merits.

The girl can get birth control by herself. The only thing I would have perhaps done differently was asked her if she is incapable of driving herself 40 miles to see PPH and get birth control, is she really ready to have sex because no form of birth control is 100% effective. OP, please remind her that her BC is ineffective when she is on antibiotics, lot of babies conceived when mom was sick.

Also, take your younger daughter for a HPV vaccine if you haven't already. It is a three shot series.
 tjliddell
Joined: 10/13/2008
Msg: 17
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Do I tell Mom? I think it's my daughter's place here...
Posted: 1/26/2009 12:39:30 AM
My eldest became sexually active at 13, I was shocked to beat all hell when it happened.
My second husband told her, "come home pregnant and your out of here"
I told him" YOU will be out of here before she is"
therefore I started doing this which is in quotes.
She never came home pregnant. She is now 26 yrs old, has a 3 yr old little boy, and is in
a stable relationship with my grandsons father. They have been together for about 7 yrs.

Now I raised a young lady that I am very proud of. I also have 2 other daughters that were raised by their father. My middle daughter just turned 21 and is pregnant.
My youngest I am hoping will wait a few more years before she decides to get pregnant.
She is 19.

This was back in the 90's, when I started doing this.


Here is something that no parent wants to think about. lol I sure didn't. KIDS will have sex.

Keep a box of condoms around preferably in your bathroom. WANT know how to embarrass a young man. On your way out of the room, Ask him for the old condom in his wallet, and when you get back take the old one, give him a new one. Tell him that it DOES NOT give him permission to sleep with your Daughter but just in case it does happen at least you know that they are both protected. And if needed keep some in the guest bathroom, let them know where they are at. You would be surprised at the new respect you will gain from them.

AM I bad or what.. hehehehe. Embarrassed more then one young man doing that and Dawn use to complain that I was no good with her love life..Made me smile..

I also kept a rusty old steak knife above the sink.. One day a young man
asked me why.. Told him.. "Touch my daughter, without her permission .. I do know how to turn a bull into a cow. "
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