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Joined: 3/21/2008
Msg: 4
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Divorced, but on vacation with kids & ex.Page 2 of 2    (1, 2)
I'd say option #4 - take them yourself.

you are DIVORCED (or will be) - you do with the kids as you see fit when you have them with you. Unless there's a reason you can't. (supervised visitation or something?)
in which case, that's a BIG FAT RED FLAG for the dating world.

If you aren't in a relationship, go with ex, wtf-ever... but if you were involved with me and did this, without me... i'd have some issues (particularly if you were financing the ex-W part of it)

Why not just spend the vacation with you and the kids?

My ex took our daughter to disney a few years ago (with her half-sister) - they had a blast.
I would have loved to take her myself, but couldn't.
Going with him was NEVER an option - I'd rather have a triple root canal.
He's my EX for a reason.
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 7
Divorced, but on vacation with kids & ex.
Posted: 12/16/2008 10:19:26 AM

I was in the shower this morning and was thinking. Unusual for me in the first place I admit.

I'm sorry to hear that taking a shower is unusual for you!
If you and your soon-to-be ex can get along/be civil, I see no reason why you shouldn't take the kids together. My at the time soon-to-be-ex-fiance and I went on our honeymoon to Puerto Vallarta, and he left [as we'd both intended] two days after we got back. But we had a wonderful time. Just make sure you two are on the same page about what's going on--it's just sharing some family time, not in any way an attempt to get back together.
Joined: 3/21/2008
Msg: 15
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Divorced, but on vacation with kids & ex.
Posted: 12/16/2008 11:30:35 AM

I tried taking into account the loathing we have for each other vs seeing the children enjoy themselves and be there when they create that life long memory. We "tolerate" each other and probably could for a week.

I'm still trying to sort out why you feel the need to TAKE the exW. Why "tolerate" a person you are divorced from in a situation you have TOTAL CONTROL over (taking a vacation with your children)?

It seems as if you think that because she'll get primary custody in the divorce, you can't take the children on a vacation without her?
Dude, if that's the case, have a chat with your lawyer!

Joined: 3/21/2008
Msg: 19
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Divorced, but on vacation with kids & ex.
Posted: 12/16/2008 11:55:18 AM

I think what he is attempting to do is admirable. If some of you folks have problems with the thought of it perhaps you have a different relationship with your ex than the rest of us. Not all of us are selfish and embroiled in bitter arguments and putting our children in the midst of this....

How is taking your children on a disneyland vacation without your former spouse "putting the children in the middle"?

My daughter has gone on vacation with me, with the ex, with the grandparents on both sides, with aunts/uncles etc... and there's never been a requirement that both of us (parents) attend ANY of the vacations, although he has gone on some of them, and I have gone on some of them... it simply never made any sense to perpetuate the idea that mom and dad were still a couple.

Her father and I have attended events together on her behalf - but it was because we both needed to be there. We were not "together"- these were events that are important to my daughter.

If the OP feels he should include the exW for the benefit of the children, fine... but if he feels he HAS to because she's getting primary custody, well, that's another thing altogether. These kids are going to enjoy disney whether mama and daddy are both there, or the next door neighbor takes them!

If the parents are no longer married, one begins to create memories with the children separately. It's not complicated, nor is it putting the child in the middle of anything.

Joined: 7/3/2006
Msg: 20
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Divorced, but on vacation with kids & ex.
Posted: 12/16/2008 7:54:42 PM
If you and your ex can be social with each other then 2 is the best option. It took myself and my ex a couple of years before we got there.

As for a g/f and her reaction: this is much more important than if you go or not. The attitude she displays toward your ex and daughter will be what you live with as long as she is your g/f. That attitude will display itself everytime you talk with your ex or you both are in the same social setting. It is NOT about your ex but your g/f's insecurities and her attempt to control you. It will always adversly affect your relationship with your daughter. Either dump the g/f or stay away from your daughter!!
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 21
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Divorced, but on vacation with kids & ex.
Posted: 12/16/2008 8:37:44 PM
I know you said they were both under 9, but how old are they? If this is going to be a once in a lifetime trip to Disneyland you need them to be the right age to not only throughly enjoy it but to remember it. Kids pick up on the resentment between parents so don't be fooled, they could very well be hiding a deep, dark secret that they are afraid to talk about to either of you, thinking they are going to make matters worse, better to be cordial to your wife because you truly care about her and the kids than to think you are fooling the kids while truly disliking your wife. Nothing is going to be more important than your kids and your relationship with them.

Would it bother me, oh hell yes, because I'd want to go! I love Disneyland! Would I think you couldn't be trusted with your soon-to-be ex, I don't know, I don't know you or her but then I wouldn't be dating you if I didn't trust you.

My first thought was why not go with just the kids but really, the kids would probably have a better time with both of you, unless they thought it meant you were getting back together and then were doubly hurt when the truth came or of it you two are resentful of each other, in which case, you ain't foolin' these kids at all.

Oh, meant to add, your kids have nothing and go no where, trust me, a trip to Disneyland is going to mean a lot to them, unlike kids who get to do things and have things all the time.
Joined: 9/27/2006
Msg: 22
Divorced, but on vacation with kids & ex.
Posted: 12/16/2008 9:00:57 PM
OP I think it totally depends on the ages of the kids, and your finances, as its not cheap to go from one family income and turn it into 2 separate family households. Next I think you need to have a family meeting and openly discuss things with your ex and kids. I don't think it would be wrong for you and your ex to both go and share this special time with your children as long as the focus of the trip, and each of your behaviors would be all about your children enjoying Disney, and you enjoying your children. I would not suggest you share a bed, but there are vacation homes that are actual homes that have pools and many bedrooms. I think this option would be beneficial for your family and could provide the space you all need and be within your budget. This way if she or you had a significant other, they could be invited along, if it would be ok with your kids, as this trip should be all about them.

I dated a man who had a young teenage daughter who lived with her mom in a different province and when she came to town, I stepped aside so they could spend all their time together and had absolutely no problem with them going to the US for a one week shopping trip and vacation to Minneapolis. Him and I were not at a serious point in our relationship, and I have always believed that the children come first. If our relationship had lasted (which it did not) vacationing together would have been something that would have evolved in time, as we became closer and the relationship became more serious.

Enjoy your vacation planning and dont forget that both you and your wife only have a short time span to enjoy your kids being children as they grow up so fast. Continue to focus on the kids and if asked, they will tell you if they want both you and your ex wife to vacation together. Just be sure to advise them that this vacation will not be a sign that you and your ex will be getting back together.

Good luck.
Joined: 5/31/2007
Msg: 24
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Divorced, but on vacation with kids & ex.
Posted: 12/16/2008 11:01:33 PM
do the kids know ur getting a divorce? how are they going to feel when u r in a separate room? also what a let down for the kids, when they get home. great time with parents,then goodbye we are getting a divorce. if there is a gf well thats something u 2 have to talk about. good luck
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