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 sydneyleigh
Joined: 3/21/2008
Msg: 52
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Am I Being Played?Page 2 of 7    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)

That is typical thinking to justify bad behaviour these days. As long as the other person is aware, then it is ok.


Why is his behavior bad? because it isn't the behavior she wants?
If that's the case, she is perfectly capable of finding another relationship.

He told her he didn't want a relationship.
She always calls him, she TAUGHT him from the beginning that he didn't need to call, because she did the calling.

We teach people how to treat us.
If she wants him to call, then she has to a) tell him and b) stop making all the calls.

It's not his fault she wants more.
She picked a man she knew was emotionally unavailable for a relationship.
sheesh, we girls really should own our sh1t.

sydney
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 53
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Am I Being Played?
Posted: 12/17/2008 3:18:19 PM

I am going to try to go with the flow and not over analyze everything, knowing that he is being honest with me about what his needs are right now. I will continue to date other people (although the dating scene sucks) and not put all of my eggs in one basket and continue fishing while having fun. I am going to try to keep my feelings in check - does anyone have any suggestions on how to do that???????
Well my fellow dater.. You talk the talk.. but you will definitely be unable to walk the walk. Know why? Cause your feelings are already with this man. Its always too late after you've already fallen. One has to GO INTO the relationship with their emotions in-check, with men who won't/can't or are unable for whatever reason to give you more .. not after you're already invested.. To bad they don't/won't/can't tell this to us once we both realize we're attracted physically and that "happy pants" will most likely be ensuing.. then we may have a better chance of screwing with indifference.

Of course .. I'm seeing that this guy was honest, but he also knows that it's already too late for you to keep your emotions in check ~ and that is where he is taking advantage of you. he's set it up so he can get your passion AND emotion which is the best kind of sex ~ plus he has the added advantage (to him) of no strings attached (him=) (you=)

You're afraid of never seeing him again ..(we all understand this) that's why you're trying to adjust the very essence of who you are for this man. Remember my hug when it all comes tumbling down on you .. You're going to need it.
In any event: Good luck trying to cope with being indifferent to your own feelings..


Thanks to my POF friends for caring - your responses are greatly appreciated!
Unfortunately it appears that you haven't LISTENED to what most of us have said.. but you're welcome.. It seems you are going to have to experience what we're talking about before this lesson is learned.. which, of course is human nature.
 cfb62
Joined: 9/17/2007
Msg: 57
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Am I Being Played?
Posted: 12/19/2008 10:52:39 AM
Neither of you are in any postion right now to do anything but relax, not take life too seriously and certainly not be making future plans with another person.
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 58
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Am I Being Played?
Posted: 12/19/2008 10:53:44 AM

If I weren't in a relationship, and met a woman, and we agreed, for example, that we were just going to be f*** buddies, and on that basis, she started sleeping with me now and then. How would I be the "bad guy" later, if she decided she wanted more, and I said "no, I don't want a relationship. I am willing to continue as we've been, but if you want more, it will have to be with someone else"?
Rarely, very rarely do most people give this type of straight-forward, black and white choice. Usually that black and white conversation doesn't take place... If it did, there would be far less heart ache and for those that go ahead and indulge in the carnel only..they would be prepared to guard the emotional if they were given such a black and white option.
If after such a conversation, one or the others feelings still sneek through.. then the conversation has to be re-evaluated to see if both have let feelings sneek in or not. Many people are unable to voice whats on thier minds for some reason or another.

Further.. in these NSA, quasi relationships.. one person always has the upper hand e.g. where, how and when the meet-ups occur.. which eventually forms various degrees of resentment when the one in "control" refuses to discuss the situation while giving the other party (probably unintenionally) mixed signals.
Thats what the problem is.

In Op's case..he is the one in complete control: e.g. she calls him.. he returns the call when it's convenient to Him (sometimes DAYS later. This is building a resentment up in her because he's not there for her when She needs/wants him.. he only comes around when it's best suited for Him. Of course, he only told her he wasn't ready for anything serious.. after he had her wrapped up and tied with a bow.. then it was revealed Now, It's completely possible that he did want something serious but as time went on.. he realized that she wasn't someone he wanted a commitment with.. that's fair. What isn't fair is that knowing this.. he still goes for the "benefits" knowing full well her head and heart were not capable of NSA... not with this particular guy anyway.
 GeneralizingNow
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 60
Am I Being Played?
Posted: 12/19/2008 11:00:04 AM
Even if you were to have the convo establishing the parameters of your relationship, by the time the person got around to saying "I'm all into the fu8k buddy thing", you've already met and decided you liked each other. What I am saying is DO NOT INVOLVE SOMEONE ELSE AT ALL if you are not wanting involvement. I'm saying that you are selfish to be in the fwck buddy situation in the first place.

As I stated the first time, yes, he is being honest, but, no, he is not being an honorable human being. He is being a user, fulfilling his needs at her expense. I'm not saying she's not an aware participant, I'm saying he brought HIS parameters into the game a little late, and now she's between a rock and hard place. In a relationship it is NEVER supposed to be what ONE person wants, it's what BOTH want. Too many people cut and run because they're not getting EXACTLY what they outlined, and I'm saying this is an unrealistic expectation. Too many people get into these situations and then wonder why things changed. They CHANGE because emotions change, people change, situations change. Shouldn't the rules ALSO be adjusted?
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 62
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Am I Being Played?
Posted: 12/19/2008 12:12:49 PM
^^^ read msg 68 again.. He IS NOT playing her.. she is breaking her own heart.. with that I agree. However; him knowing she is in love with him.. the honourable thing to do would be to let her go if he doesn't want a full on with her.. He has to know that he's hurting her.. do you understand??? She was vulnerable .. she's even more vulnerable now. Sometimes people are the conductor of their own misery and NEED closure to come from the other party... It's difficult to give up on someone you're in love with whether it's because of co-dependency, enabling, low self-worth, not brave enough to face never seeing them again.. whatever the reason.. Op's guy knows he's taking advantage of her weak will and that's why he waits for her to initiate.. so he can go to her guilt free.. he'll most likely do this until he replaces her with someone that makes him feel less guilty or until she attempts to manuever more time with him.

It seemed to me that it was understood, from the beginning, that it wasn't a romantic relationship. It seems he didn't pursue her, but when she pursued him for a sexual meeting, he agreed.
No.. He went full on without discussion until they got hot and heavy and then he dropped the "I don't want a relationship" bomb on her. No NSA discussion took place up until that point... only after her (possibly his) emotions started to surface.

 lelathecat
Joined: 6/14/2008
Msg: 63
Am I Being Played?
Posted: 12/19/2008 1:48:19 PM

Why is his behavior bad? because it isn't the behavior she wants?


Bad behaviour is still bad behaviour.

If I tell you I'm going to kick you in the shins and warn you about it first and then I do it but you accept it and say well maybe she was having a bad day and didn't mean it, is the behaviour still bad? Then later you tell me you don't like me kicking you in the shins but I say well you told me it was ok and now you are changing the rules midstream so how can you be upset because I'm not doing what you want me to do.

How absurd it this nonsense!

What I am saying is that certain things are just not right regardless.

This whole we teach people how to treat us is crap.

What happened in our society where we accept the responsibility for other people's bad behaviour? What happened to placing the blame where it belongs on the person doing the bad thing? The person kicking me in the shins is doing a bad thing regardless of whether or not they warn me in advance.

What happened to our society that people don't know how to behave as adults. Things they should have learned as a child and now as an adult I am supposed to teach some other adult how to treat me? Hell no. They are supposed to be an adult and know how to act with respect and integrity.

Are you saying that if I don't teach the grown up how to treat me then they have a license to be rotten because they don't have good sense to know good behaviour from bad?

It isn't about changing the rules midstream.

Certain things are just bad.

I refuse to teach a supposedly grown adult how to treat me. I simply will refuse to deal with them at all.
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 65
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Am I Being Played?
Posted: 12/19/2008 2:06:25 PM

Did I walk through the looking glass, and am now trying to have a conversation in Wonderland?

I agreed with her post up until she related it to kicking someone in the shins.. but with the above comment..you're just refusing to see the gist of what she and others have been trying to say.. which of course is your MO in the forums when it comes to these types of threads... You will never see.
 lelathecat
Joined: 6/14/2008
Msg: 68
Am I Being Played?
Posted: 12/19/2008 3:48:47 PM

Did I walk through the looking glass, and am now trying to have a conversation in Wonderland?


I'm not saying you have to agree with what I said but surely a man your age and education can actually get what I said.
 idahosun
Joined: 4/26/2006
Msg: 70
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Am I Being Played?
Posted: 12/19/2008 6:59:02 PM
Hello, this is not about an adult man and woman just "having sex", it is about the fact that she wants more than just a booty call and has feelings for the guy who has "kicked her in the shins". But, yes, she allowed and apparently continues to allow him to disrespect her...so game plan changes are now in order, I seriously doubt that will work. She has already allowed him to set the rules and she plays by them. It is a sad situation but only she has the power to stop the game.
 tweetynumbr1
Joined: 11/2/2006
Msg: 74
Am I Being Played?
Posted: 12/20/2008 6:17:05 AM
WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO PUT A MAN IN CHECK OR UNDER CONTROL? that is the kind you don't want ever been there done that find someone who is as into you as them don't just settle, date for awhile trust me mr rite is out there just keep lookin you will know soon enough & this guy seems to just fit you whenever he needs you & that is'nt fair to you i was with a guy like that i told i had a date once he asked me not to go so i did'nt but he stayed the way he was so when i got asked out by another guy i also told him about that one & i was'nt breaking this date & i did'nt. i went out with the guy liked him alot in fact i married him & he knew about the other guy i kept no secrets from either of them. it pays to be honest because the one you want so bad is more than likely not the one for you so keep lookin but in the mean time keep him around also & do as i did try that maybe it work for you in your favor but also maybe youll' find that special someone who feels the way you do.
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 79
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Am I Being Played?
Posted: 12/20/2008 7:52:14 PM
From the Op Two Months ago:

Hi...I'm sorry that you are going through this...I am going through a similar situation..."dated" a guy for almost two months (we are both currently going through a divorce) and he told me two days ago that he wanted to be alone to get his head on straight, didn't want a commitment or relationship and just wanted to be friends. Of course, I got my feelings hurt, as I'm sure you did too. It is hard not to think of the things you did together and to put your feelings aside. Luckily I have great friends who I can call at a moment's notice who will listen to me and go out with me so I won't be alone.
I try to think that if this person is not that in to me for whatever reason, it is probably for the best that it ended so soon, rather than 6 months or more. Try to keep yourself busy with friends who care about you and know that there will be another person out there for you. Sometimes God closes one door, but opens a window because something great will be just around the corner!
Human nature is soo strange..

:0( *hugs*
 parry10
Joined: 1/14/2006
Msg: 83
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Am I Being Played?
Posted: 12/21/2008 7:51:17 AM

Played for what? The guy told you how he felt. How much more honest do you want him to be? He doesn't want to be in an exclusive relationship and he doesn't want to be committed. I can't see how difficult that is to understand.


Exactly!

In my opinion, the guy is being upfront and honest. Sadly, even that can be looked at as a bad thing if his answers aren't exactly what the woman wanted. He is who he is. He's also not deceiving anyone. It's up to the OP if this is what she wants.........if not, say a nice goodbye, sorry things didn't work out and move on........it's clear the guy isn't ready to committ........since when is that a bad thing all of a sudden?...he's being careful now. (hope he wears a condom though)
 idahosun
Joined: 4/26/2006
Msg: 85
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Am I Being Played?
Posted: 12/21/2008 10:43:31 AM
Fungirl, I am sorry for the pain you are in and I sure hope you take time to contemplate your failed divorce (no, not blaming you, it takes two) and what you did in this last situation (I wouldn't call it a relationship). You are still very young and there are lots of men your age to be found...I see them when I'm out 'n about and wish I were your age Best of luck to you in the future with a different attitude about yourself and what you really want.
 Toorop
Joined: 12/9/2008
Msg: 86
Am I Being Played?
Posted: 12/21/2008 11:07:23 AM
Very possible that you're not on top of his list of priorities. You're having a good time with him when you do. Do you want to give those moments up? I think you love him and you can't let go. You're going to be hurt, but when, that's up to you. You're just waiting for this outside moment he might commit to you. It would have happened by now. It's your call here really. Enjoy him a little more or... it's going to hurt, love.

 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 89
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Am I Being Played?
Posted: 12/21/2008 1:14:16 PM

In my opinion, the guy is being upfront and honest. Sadly, even that can be looked at as a bad thing if his answers aren't exactly what the woman wanted. He is who he is. He's also not deceiving anyone. It's up to the OP if this is what she wants..
Yes. He was upfront and honest BUT only after he saw that she was falling for him.. Why couldn't he tell her that he wasn't looking for anything serious BEFORE he whipped her into an oxytocin milkshake full of want for him???

Too many men/women don't tell others that they are'nt ready for anything serious (or that they never intend on settling down) before sex because it cuts their chances of scoring down.. that's sad, really. It seems most of them can tell who's naive and newly finding their "dating" wings.


Because it is very hard to find a "connection" with someone. When you get it, you don't want to lose it,because you don't know when it will happen again
This to very true. That mutual animal attraction if very hard to resist and that is why we don't LISTEN to the subtle hints and tell tale signs.

I think that deep down (those of us who have not listened and ignored those tell tale signs of someone who's not going to commit to us ) arent really ready ourselves for something more meaningful and by ignoring our intuition ~ we blindly lead ourselves to heartache. Often in life we only learn through experience. :0(

Merry Christmas and all the best in the new year everyone.
 you2canchoose
Joined: 8/6/2008
Msg: 93
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Am I Being Played?
Posted: 12/21/2008 3:25:07 PM
I agree with many others that you weren't being played. He was honest with you from the beginning but it was YOU that wanted more too soon. Hats off to him for that.

Instead of jumping from one relationship to another prior to divorce, take some time to heal. Your priority should also be with your children and helping them through the separation and divorce and not finding another man.

It's ok to be alone. When you love and respect yourself then you will attract someone that too will love and respect you.
 lelathecat
Joined: 6/14/2008
Msg: 95
Am I Being Played?
Posted: 12/21/2008 4:53:42 PM
fungirl, that is a good idea to make a list. There is a checklist on the e harm site where you select 10 must haves and 10 cant stands.

If you don't have a list and you get into a rs, I think it is easy to find yourself sliding into things that you didn't really want. For example, i bet your list wouldn't say, I want someone who pretty much sees me as a FWB and who doesn't call me much or return my phone calls.

Get out there and date lots and have some fun!
 davidsauvignon
Joined: 2/6/2008
Msg: 97
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Am I Being Played?
Posted: 12/21/2008 5:25:39 PM
OP, get divorced. Get that fresh perspective on your life. You very well may discover you aren't looking for anything long term. You may find you want something casual or a few casual "dates" before you decide to jump right back into the commitment frying pan. Now that you know what amazing sex is like, you may want to go out there and try to find more of it.....lots more!

Get divorced, get single, start living single and experiencing life.....then, sit down and make a list once you decide you're ready to get back into something serious, committed and long term. Quit putting the cart before the horse. JMO.






~ds~
 kendra987
Joined: 3/17/2009
Msg: 103
Am I Being Played?
Posted: 3/28/2009 5:40:06 PM
If you think you're being played, you are. There are only two answers in a relationship: "yes" and everything else. If it's not a yes, then it doesn't matter what the issue is. It's not a "yes."

Men aren't hard to figure out. All the signs are all there. We don't want to see it sometimes. We want to give the benefit of a doubt. But my opinion is that if there's a doubt, then you should go with your instincts.
 maemae7
Joined: 3/4/2009
Msg: 104
Am I Being Played?
Posted: 3/31/2009 12:24:38 AM
Trust me if you have to chase the man's a PLAYER!! I just let a man go I dearly love but he doing similiar and yes I met him online..he is on this sight.close to three years and just learned he has another gf at same time as me.make a point of telling him how you feel and if nothing changes and you are still chasing then RUN RUN FAST THE OTHER WAY!!!!!!
 FmrJarhead
Joined: 2/15/2008
Msg: 105
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Am I Being Played?
Posted: 4/2/2009 3:44:43 PM
First, I don't understand how you think you're being played...he's paying for everything and he's not forcing you to do anything you don't want to do. You yourself said the sex was amazing, so no force there. It seems you're just upset by the infrequency at which he communicates with you. Maybe he just doesn't want to appear clingy or needy. It seems you may be a bit insecure . I say, take your time, allow yourselves to bond and trust. Know that you'll have to deal with the non-initiation of phone calls and that you'll have to be the one reaching out mostly for now. I don't see that he's inattentive, or lacking in emotional commitment.
I also don't see that his slowing the pace was such an unreasonable request especially since you were BOTH going through divorces. As you're older and he's younger, I feel you may be trying to rush it a bit. I'm sorry, but you're not being played...
Slow down, ease up on your need to hear from him every single day. Remember, you're still riding the chaotic emotional rollercoaster of divorce and may not even realize your need to try to make everything smooth by having a new guy in your life.
 ren210
Joined: 11/17/2007
Msg: 107
Am I Being Played?
Posted: 6/7/2009 3:29:33 PM
Fmrjarhead-
you hit the nail on the head.
Semper Fi.
 desirable_male
Joined: 5/30/2008
Msg: 111
Am I Being Played?
Posted: 6/7/2009 9:40:19 PM
Yes i would have to agree there, if i was that into someone i would be hanging out all the time to call them and i know i would...And i would also be cautious of the fact he dont do drugs dont forget you said he went out with someone who did use drugs i could be wrong but if i didnt use drugs i definatly wouldnt be hanging out with someone who did.
 zapped
Joined: 12/19/2008
Msg: 112
Am I Being Played?
Posted: 6/7/2009 10:36:10 PM
I think he is right you BOTH jumped into a relationship fast.
I dont know how long his marriage collapsed but as what he said,,,too way too fast.It seems his plate is full right now but he jumped into you..so he is also responsible for his own action.
Probably he is just lonely thats why he needs your body.
The man has lots of baggage and he seems not ready for a relationship.
Take a step back for now or you will get hurt in the end.
Ask yourself...are you ready for a new relationship or youre just as lonely like him.
Men are not hard to figure out--women has to use thier head what men want on us.
I might be wrong but it seems youre taking advantage of his vulnerabilty.--i dont know....just remember....its not only his fault if one of these days he would say"lets stop seeing each other" as what I said--the guy told you that he isnt ready for any relationship right now--that means--he just only want you to be his company--closer to be just like his "rebound".
Give him time to heal.
Sorry to say but it seems there's manipulation takes place here.Sex has a role in between.
YOU should know better because you are more MATURE than him.


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