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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > What's my play here? Do I bother talking to her?      Home login  
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 TheSyndrome
Joined: 11/23/2008
Msg: 1
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What's my play here? Do I bother talking to her?Page 2 of 2    (1, 2)
Backstory:
Around 2.5 years ago, I began messing w/ a married woman. She ended up getting divorced and we began seeing each other. Things were awesome, we ran in same social circles, so we'd get to spend lots of time together. Sex was amazing and often. Basically, nothing I didn't like about her. We dated for ~1 yr, then she began fooling around on me w/ a friend of mine. I broke it off, but I really cared for the girl still. Eventually, we completely cease communication.

Fast forward 4 months:
I see her out one night, she notices the second I walk in the building and texts me. I have completely taken myself out of the dating scene by this time and was focused entirely on my career.. I was only out to grab a beer and dinner.. Anyway, we get to talking and she invites me back to her place that night. I go, and tell her it's only to talk further.. It stays that way, I refuse to even consider trying to reconcile. We talk casually for another month or so.. Finally, it seems like I can rekindle things. She asks me to come by one night, and I go solely for sex(selfish I know).. I get there, she's ready to go; we head to the bedroom. I decide to take it as what it is, just sex and then I'll leave.. We get to talking again, and she begins having second thoughts... wants me to just stay the night w/ her and talk about life in general.. I do not oblige. Break off all talk again.

I wound up moving, she moved, I was beginning a new career and going to grad school. Very rarely run w/ the social circle I used to. So I completely had her out of memory.

Fast forward to this weekend:

I'm out w/ some friends and one asks if I knew she was there. I didn't and probably wouldn't have had it not been brought up. Next thing, she still has my # and starts texting. I decide we're adults, and I can be civil and talk to her. So I talk to her in person, we talk about life, how things are, blah blah.

Then come the pleasantrires. "You look great, Chris" she says. I reply thanks, and tell her that she looks amazing. She continues to go on and on with how great I look and intro's me to friends she's out with, and I finally head back to my area where my friends are.

Once she leaves she texts that she'll never get over me, and still has very strong feelings for me. I don't know how I feel about this. I've come to grips with the fact I obviously am still attracted to her as well, but I really am at a point where I want my next relationship to be long term and serious.

I alway have friends trying to set me up with girls, and I shoot down about 50% of them upon talking to them because they're just playing the field. I am in my late 20s and ready for a real relationship now.

So, comes now the question: Do I even bother with this woman anymore?


Sorry for the lengthy post,

Chris
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 2
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What's my play here? Do I bother talking to her?
Posted: 1/4/2009 10:49:19 AM
Seems you aren't as over playing the silly sexual yes-no games with this woman. You know she's easy, you know she cheats, you know you don't want her for a long term partner at all.....so do you keep messing around until you've ruined your life or do you really move on this time? I guess that depends on if you want to lead with your pants or you head, and of course there's the risky sex that could ruin your future with someone you find suitable to be married to....who knows. What will he choose?
 TheSyndrome
Joined: 11/23/2008
Msg: 3
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What's my play here? Do I bother talking to her?
Posted: 1/4/2009 10:52:27 AM
I did get over her. I completely severed her existence from my life. My life has changed drastically since last we "knew" each other. I suppose I messed up by talking the other night with her, because it caused me to actually give a crap about it.

I figure there is a part of me that will always want her, and vice versa. I could be wring though, I thought the same thing with my college g/f when she dumped me after school.. I see her 6 months later and couldn't care less. I was so happy in hind sight to be out of that.

This situation is hard to shake that fast. I guess going no contact is the key to success here.
 bb5757
Joined: 12/29/2007
Msg: 4
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What's my play here? Do I bother talking to her?
Posted: 1/4/2009 11:39:15 AM
yes she has cheated....much. But you also had that affair with her, so you are not as white as snow either. Neither of you have the best morals!

However, people can and do grow over time. It sounds like you are interested in finding a long term relationship. You have talked with her, but it does not sound like this came up in your discussion anywhere. She can change too. It sounds like you are still attracted to her and care about her to a certain degree. But not sure why you have not been up front and honest about what you are looking for. And did you not ask her what she is looking for?

I believe in honestly....in honestly talking about your feelings and what you do and do not want. That is the only way to stop game playing. And it is the only way to develop trust.

If you find yourself drawn back to speaking with her, open up, let her know what you are looking for, and get her to explore her own feelings and wants too. Trust your instincts.....if you think she is still playing the field, then move on and end it once and for all. But remember, you both have had a past. If she seems serious in any way, then I feel you could pursue a long term relationship. But she has to be on the same page with you and you have to be serious about it also.
 missykay73
Joined: 11/25/2006
Msg: 5
What's my play here? Do I bother talking to her?
Posted: 1/4/2009 11:45:21 AM
Sounds to me like she is just looking to keep u around for a "rebound" man. If the sex is great and that's all u want, keep in touch with her, otherwise, i'd run if i were u.
 DenaliDadd
Joined: 11/20/2007
Msg: 6
What's my play here? Do I bother talking to her?
Posted: 1/4/2009 12:46:00 PM

Once she leaves she texts that she'll never get over me...

Two and a half years and she still texts you?!? Dude! You must make a break. Change your number! Think with the head on top of your shoulders and you will see that she wants a rebound relationship.

SO...to answer your question, No.


 english lass
Joined: 11/14/2007
Msg: 7
What's my play here? Do I bother talking to her?
Posted: 1/4/2009 12:50:06 PM
it sounds to me as though she likes the challenge more than the relationship...

she can't have you, therefore she wants you

if you were to try for a steady relationship with her i think she'd soon be cheating on you again

she says that she'll never get over you - but only tries to contact you when she sees you and is reminded of you - the one that 'got away'

if you are serious about wanting a real relationship next time, then i'd say this isn't a good prospect, imo
 TheSyndrome
Joined: 11/23/2008
Msg: 8
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What's my play here? Do I bother talking to her?
Posted: 1/4/2009 1:40:44 PM
I think you're right here English Lass. I guess the verdict is in.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 9
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What's my play here? Do I bother talking to her?
Posted: 1/4/2009 1:51:02 PM
You need to look at yourself and decide if you are the type of man the type of woman you say you want, is looking for. Not a lot of women who have it together are looking for a guy who is still wondering about someone with whom they had an affair, a married woman, and just can't seem to shake. What makes you think you are over her or have shut her out of your life? You keep finding yourself either tempted or patting yourself on your back because you ddin't give in, but she always seems to show up. I have to tell you, my old mistakes don't show up in my life now, not sure why your past keeps tripping you up but you do need to figure out why if you really want to move on.

What's next, you get married and SURPRISE! there she is, at the wedding texting you? This crap doesn't 'just' happen, someone is keeping this going.
 Sherlock101
Joined: 1/4/2007
Msg: 10
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What's my play here? Do I bother talking to her?
Posted: 1/4/2009 2:06:34 PM
I believe she truely did care very much about you but she also cares very much about being a tramp! Behavior like hers usually doesn't change.
 Mike8998
Joined: 11/24/2008
Msg: 11
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What's my play here? Do I bother talking to her?
Posted: 1/4/2009 2:12:41 PM
I'm inclined to believe, once a cheater, always a cheater; but I do firmly believe someone can change.. but that change takes time.

I think it's time to move on to bigger and much better things. Time to see yourself grow from that experience.
 joanie23
Joined: 6/15/2006
Msg: 12
What's my play here? Do I bother talking to her?
Posted: 1/4/2009 2:16:38 PM
There is an expression that states if someone will cheat with you they will cheat on you and she has already done that with your friend. Are you prepared to always be wondering what she is up to when you aren't with her?
 smileee4u
Joined: 11/8/2007
Msg: 13
What's my play here? Do I bother talking to her?
Posted: 1/4/2009 2:24:27 PM
You feel attracted to her right now. Later is different. As soon as the romance wears off, your perspective will change. You will start to remember that she was married and had an affair, cheating on her husband. This will start to play on your mind. You will NEVER be able to get over the idea that she is a "cheater". This disrespect will start to manifest itself, after the honeymoon stage, and you will see her through different eyes.

RUN FOR THE HILLS, AND FAST, BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE. SHE DOES NOT NEED TO MESS UP HER LIFE ANYMORE THAN SHE ALREADY HAS. SHE NEEDS TO START FRESH WITH SOME OTHER GUY, AFTER SHE HAS BEEN ALONE FOR A LITTLE WHILE. DO HER A FAVOR. DO NOT CONTACT HER.
 angieemt
Joined: 1/17/2008
Msg: 14
What's my play here? Do I bother talking to her?
Posted: 1/4/2009 2:44:14 PM
Well, Chris, it seems as though my opinion differs from most on here. Although you have had an obviously rocky past with this woman, there is a reason for continuing to cross each others paths. It is up to you, my friend, to determine the reason. Until you are COMPLETELY over this woman and the possibility of a relationship with her, you will not be able to move on and give another relationship a fighting chance because you will always wonder if something would've worked with this woman. If you try it again, and it works--great!! If it doesn't work---then you tried and you can move on knowing that this chapter in your life is finally closed. Good luck in your endeavors
 YingKissesYang
Joined: 5/12/2005
Msg: 15
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What's my play here? Do I bother talking to her?
Posted: 1/4/2009 2:55:41 PM
""""I see her out one night, she notices the second I walk in the building and texts me. """

That is truly amazing! She saw ya right away huh? Truly, God has a plan for you two. I see a match made in heaven, two equal minds, yet joined at the hip.
 TheSyndrome
Joined: 11/23/2008
Msg: 16
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What's my play here? Do I bother talking to her?
Posted: 1/4/2009 6:50:17 PM
I don't know that I should bother. I can't deny though that there is still some feeling there. I am inclined to believe the once a cheater, always a cheater deal. It's just a really weird place to be in. I think I'm going to hold my commitment to dinner, and lay it all out then.. I fully expect to end it all there.
 TheSyndrome
Joined: 11/23/2008
Msg: 17
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What's my play here? Do I bother talking to her?
Posted: 1/4/2009 7:28:00 PM
Hockeyfan:

Perhaps you misconstrued. I want my next relationship to be a long term, serious one. Not necessarily with that woman. I know I was at fault as much as she was, I am not trying to deflect blame in the matter.. I made my amends though, I f'ed up, can't take it back now.
 red_relaxed
Joined: 7/18/2007
Msg: 18
What's my play here? Do I bother talking to her?
Posted: 1/5/2009 1:48:30 AM
I think she's telling you the truth that "she'll never get over you".
But she'll get under plenty of other guys while she's doing it.

We all have our past indiscretions, learn from this one...and continue to STAY away mentally, physically and emotionally.
 mysteriosa
Joined: 5/19/2006
Msg: 19
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What's my play here? Do I bother talking to her?
Posted: 1/17/2009 10:22:39 AM
I can see why you feel so mixed about this woman. By meeting up with you and not having sex that time, she's pretty much indicated by her actions she wants to talk and have a relationship not just sex. I don't know if you really thought you could just go and sleep with her like that. I suspect you were just cutting off your feelings from her and feeling a bit angry somewhere so convinced yourself that you could.

You keep ending up meeting and bumping into each other and thinking of each other. Problem is, she's already shown herself to be untrustworthy twice - once by getting involved with you when she was married and then by being unfaithful to you. I feel sad for you because you clearly do want a relationship with this woman but know at the back of your mind she is not to be trusted.

I suppose the question then is, can people change? I don't know about this. I think you've either got to get away from her and steer clear of this woman and look ahead to meeting someone you can trust, or you need to talk with her about this issue and see whether you feel she has changed. There are a lot of mixed feelings involved here and it's not as simple as others would say. Good luck, whatever you decide to do.
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