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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > Woman won't tell me her last name      Home login  
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 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 26
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Woman won't tell me her last namePage 2 of 16    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16)
You know, at this point maybe the woman has a good instinct that this guy could be a problem because he is sooo interested in the answer to his question that he has not even bothered to answer the numerous requests for just how much time he has spent with this woman in three weeks.

And yet this earth-shattering question has now gone to 3 pages.
 GoneSailinBabe
Joined: 7/6/2008
Msg: 27
Woman won't tell me her last name
Posted: 1/8/2009 9:54:02 AM
It's called being safe and certain of the person you do not know from Adam before revealing all of your private, personal and confidential information.

You're no one to her.
You're a stranger she met on the internet three weeks ago.

I wouldn't tell you my name either.
 The_Standard_Model
Joined: 7/14/2007
Msg: 28
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Woman won't tell me her last name
Posted: 1/8/2009 10:13:02 AM
Turn it around, and try to imagine how you would feel if a new man in your life, who you hoped to see again, refused to disclose his name. There would be a thread about it, and everyone would be categorizing the refusal as a red flag.


Exactly!!
The truth is if I asked a woman that I dated (even on a first date) her last name and she refused the information, it would throw up enough red flags to me that I would never take her seriously! I am not saying that I would end the date or never date her agin,but I would never make anything serious out of her. Let's face it, if we both drive, I can simply look at her license plate to get her information. do a reverse lookup on her phone number to get her information. Do one of a billion things to get her information. If you exist in soceity today, you are probably listed (both first and last name) in the phonebook with both phone number and address.
The truth is that while it may never occur to one to ask about a last name (and reasonably so) Let's not confuse it with trying to hide a last name.
For those that say a last name is not required by the three week point, well a first name is not 'REQUIRED' either. You could call each other by your POF screen names! It's not about required, it's about what is reasonable. If she does not feel comfortable enough around you after three weeks (three weeks in person and not just the Emailing back and forth if they met on line, making it even longer), then why is she dating someone that she feels so uncomfortable with? That is non-sense!!
Dating, means sharing who you are to some degree with another person. What are you gonna talk a bout?
"So do you have kids?"
'None of your business?'
"So what do you do for a living?"
'None of your business?'
"So did your power go out in the storm last night?"
'That would be telling you the general area where I live, so none of your business.'

This is ridiculous and none of those are as extreme as not sharing your name! The idea of security and defending yourself against freaks is more protecting your person. You don't want to give them your address so they can't get to you! Well you are already there.
You don't trust this guy with your last name, but you trust him not to dose your drink!?! (And trust me, I work in a bar, it's easier to do than you think.)
In my opinion, if you are this level worried about the person that you are dating, then you are not ready to date!


You MIGHT see my apartment after three months (I prefer six, but will relax that if I feel you won't show up there unannounced)...and it's not about safety alone, it's about my space and my privacy, both of which I value fiercely. Just because I feel privacy is important doesn't mean everyone does - a lot of people take it upon themselves based on their own theory that dating you once or twice entitles them to your life.

It doesn't.

So if you were going to sleep together (or watch a movie or have a queit evening at home)it would have to be at his house right? It is perfectly reasonable to expect that after two months the relationship would become sexual. But based off of your theory he should compromise his personal space and privacy. If you were dating a guy for five months and still felt that he would either show up unannuonced or do something sinister with your address, then why are you wasting a half a year with him? That is non sense! No, dating once or twice does not entitle someone to your life, but the information that we are talking about is available in the PHONE BOOK!! Once you have given out your phone number, you may as well have given out your full name and address! I would assume that someone that is asking is decent and respectful enough that he is asking, because he does not already know!! As in he respected my boundaries enough not to look them up.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 29
Woman won't tell me her last name
Posted: 1/8/2009 2:23:53 PM
Canam, I typed a response earlier to this but lost the text, and didn't have time to type it all again...so I will address it now. I don't think it's about personal safety as much (to me, anyway) as it's about the urgency of the question. If I tell him what my last name or anything else is in general conversation, or he asks and I can tell he's not all that worried about remembering it, it's one thing, but if it seems like he has to know and is pushy about wanting it, I'm gonna be suspicious based on that.

So if you were going to sleep together (or watch a movie or have a queit evening at home)it would have to be at his house right?

It wouldn't have to be, but it usually is...men aren't as worried about it when intimacy is about to happen, and in my case, he's got no worries about how pushy I am gonna be about his space and privacy, since I value my own. If things do end up in the bedroom usually go home after to sleep anyway, so he wouldn't really feel threatened...I'd never be there long enough for him to want me to leave overall, I like my space too much to really invade anyone else's.

It is perfectly reasonable to expect that after two months the relationship would become sexual. But based off of your theory he should compromise his personal space and privacy.

Not if he doesn't want to - I would never be a hypocrite about something I found important and expect someone else to compromise anything I wouldn't.

If you were dating a guy for five months and still felt that he would either show up unannuonced or do something sinister with your address, then why are you wasting a half a year with him? That is non sense!

I have once or twice gone 5 months or so before deciding a guy's not going to come to my place before, but that was in a more casual capacity. All I know is I need to know a guy's not going to have a few drinks one night and take it upon himself to stop by unannounced. However long it takes to find that out, I'll wait.

Sometimes when someone doesn't get access to your place quickly enough, they react by being pushy and accusing you of being shady/married/whatever. That's what I want to see before I consider giving anyone information. That's the manipulative reaction that makes me glad I didn't divulge it - and clinches that I won't. I don't like people who try to force anything out of someone else that should happen naturally.

No, dating once or twice does not entitle someone to your life, but the information that we are talking about is available in the PHONE BOOK!!

I am not listed in the phone book, and even if a guy does know my name, it's both extremely common and preceded by a nickname, so if it was listed he'd have a hell of a time finding it.

Once you have given out your phone number, you may as well have given out your full name and address!

My cell isn't listed, and neither is my home #, which I only use to circumvent my cell minutes anyway, so I don't give it out.

I would assume that someone that is asking is decent and respectful enough that he is asking, because he does not already know!! As in he respected my boundaries enough not to look them up.

True, but in my case, the urgency to know is what will cause me to do the opposite - anyone who wants to know something that shouldn't matter that badly is a red flag.
 CMonster
Joined: 12/4/2004
Msg: 30
Woman won't tell me her last name
Posted: 1/8/2009 3:19:14 PM
djchickie said: Sometimes when someone doesn't get access to your place quickly enough, they react by being pushy and accusing you of being shady/married/whatever. That's what I want to see before I consider giving anyone information. That's the manipulative reaction that makes me glad I didn't divulge it - and clinches that I won't. I don't like people who try to force anything out of someone else that should happen naturally.

This is very true. It can be said about someone insistent on knowing where you live, work, shop or anything else about your personal lifestyle before it's been established that you would want that person to take part in those things with you. Again, they may seem like simple questions but someone gets angry when that information isn't immediately divulged, it should give a person pause to wonder why it's so important to them.

just em said: OP, I wish you would get back on and let us know what she was saying to you. What reason did she give you for not giving you her last name?

I'd just like to know how knowing her last name at this specific point in time is going to make their relationship any better.
 bcsofnc57
Joined: 11/20/2007
Msg: 31
Woman won't tell me her last name
Posted: 1/8/2009 7:41:45 PM
I couldn't imagine going on the first date with someone and not at least knowing their name. I find it very odd that she won't tell you what her last name is. Maybe there isn't a huge need to know, but why the need to hide it?
 bcsofnc57
Joined: 11/20/2007
Msg: 32
Woman won't tell me her last name
Posted: 1/8/2009 7:50:01 PM

I don't have a problem with my last name but I sure wouldn't tell some one my address in that short a time span, and I'd really get the creepy vibe if he tried to follow me home. But you know, we are all different.

You have got to be kidding? How exactly do you date a man for three weeks and not tell him where you live?

I refuse to live my life in fear. If I am dating someone they will know the basics such as my full name, where I live, how many children I have, the fact I have cats, how old I am, etc.
 p3hndrx
Joined: 3/26/2006
Msg: 33
Woman won't tell me her last name
Posted: 1/8/2009 8:23:49 PM
How do you know her first name is really her first name?
 p3hndrx
Joined: 3/26/2006
Msg: 34
Woman won't tell me her last name
Posted: 1/8/2009 8:26:08 PM
Thinking about this...
I introduce myself with my first and last name.
I live rather transparently.... you can google me if you want.
I have my own wiki user page and business card if you'd like.



It seems rather unusual that anyone hide their last name, unless they were ultra powerful or infamous... maybe wanted by the law...
 Gr8_Kisser
Joined: 7/5/2008
Msg: 35
Woman won't tell me her last name
Posted: 1/10/2009 4:28:30 PM
This person obviously has something to hide.
 sunkist76
Joined: 4/21/2008
Msg: 36
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Woman won't tell me her last name
Posted: 1/11/2009 11:31:48 AM
i actually feel more comfortable giving people my lastname (because it is more common) than my first. however, i rarely know a guys last name when i go out on the first date. usually just have a phone # and first name.
 CMonster
Joined: 12/4/2004
Msg: 37
Woman won't tell me her last name
Posted: 1/11/2009 2:31:47 PM
On reflection, the only time you would actually NEED to give someone else your surname is if you're getting married. Cheers.

That is the only reason I could think of as for needing to know the last name of your partner. It still confounds me as to why it's so imperative for someone to know. If it is a trust thing, I'd question the person who needs to know as to why s/he is involved with someone if they can't trust themselves to accept that the person doesn't want to divulge the information for whatever reason.
 blonde chickie
Joined: 11/3/2005
Msg: 38
Woman won't tell me her last name
Posted: 1/11/2009 3:12:12 PM
The OP, never came back.

Maybe the chick was once a secret spy or a porn star or something u don't have to know about

 Mr Bain
Joined: 12/6/2004
Msg: 39
Woman won't tell me her last name
Posted: 1/11/2009 3:18:09 PM
If she refuses to tell you her last name, she's just stringing you along.

Tell her to go fly a kite.
 girlred228
Joined: 6/23/2008
Msg: 40
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Woman won't tell me her last name
Posted: 1/11/2009 3:52:18 PM
I totally understand her not wanting to do this.. I have had men look me up online... get my address and find out things about me. To me that is ust creepy.. totally creepy..
 readyornot57
Joined: 1/19/2008
Msg: 42
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Woman won't tell me her last name
Posted: 1/11/2009 4:02:12 PM
This thread, plus certain recent developments are making me rethink the whole point of being on a dating site.
It is all very sad, really.
What is the point of dating again?
 ~DREAMS~
Joined: 1/8/2007
Msg: 43
Woman won't tell me her last name
Posted: 1/11/2009 4:16:25 PM
If she is that paranoid she shouldn't be on an online dating site. My guess would be she is hiding something like a past of some kind. RUN RUN RUN.

If someone is so paranoid about information like that then they have no business dating.... they need to work on their psychological issues and paranoia first....lol

IMO at least

I learned my lesson once.....background checks in online dating are a must. I was at the receiving end of a major stalker who freaked when i said no thanks you are not for me after just a short while.

I never deny anyone that i am seeing from doing one on me cause i have nothing to hide. Preventing someone from knowing who you are on a dating site just seems counter productive to me.

It is not like it is a credit check or something that leaves a mark saying someone inquired about you. They are just criminal activity checks, I hardly see any harm in that.

EDIT* I mean shoot with services like Life Lock and others like it people do not even need to be paranoid about someone getting a hold of their SSN and stuff so whats the big deal about something as simple as a name. I guess she never looked at a Phone Book people last names are all over the place....lol.... silly people make me laugh sometimes
 Cogie36
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 44
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Woman won't tell me her last name
Posted: 3/6/2009 2:54:00 PM
Once you give a guy your last name its real easy for him to find your home number, your address, where you work......and after 3 weeks....I dont believe thats long enough for all that personal information.....

and btw....there are alot of guys on here as well that dont give their last name.....so its not just the women.......
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 45
Woman won't tell me her last name
Posted: 3/6/2009 8:54:29 PM
It all depends. You say you have been dating for only three weeks and yet are calling it a relationship....also l am wondering when it was you first asked for her last name. Maybe if you asked for it earlier she just kind of thought it was a bit early and now you are insisting on having it and it is setting off red flags for her? Not enough information to really say anything on this but l am questioning this a bit.

This is still my position on this, and J.A.G. gets it. It's the fact that it would even be a topic that would concern me. I've never been directly asked for a last name nor have I asked for it from someone else - it's come up in natural conversation...it DOES set off a red flag when someone has to know something like this early on and gets pushy about it, so my reaction would be "what's it to you?" if that was the vibe I got from them, and it would make me think twice about sharing the information.

And yes, to some extent in under a month when you are still technically learning about each other and not seriously dating, there are a lot of personal things that don't apply at that time, tho at a later date they may be relevant. There are things that are just on a need to know basis...or will be shared if I feel comfortable doing so. My last name, where I work, or where I live aren't too important to know early on.
 Lfsabch
Joined: 4/27/2007
Msg: 46
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Woman won't tell me her last name
Posted: 3/6/2009 9:41:13 PM
the name probably also belongs to a guy lol
 Happily Ever...maybe
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 47
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Woman won't tell me her last name
Posted: 3/6/2009 9:45:44 PM
Dating someone for 3 weeks or so I would imagine you've been on 3-5 dates, so no, at that point, I don't necessarily have to know her last name, nor would I make an issue about it either way. But that applies to her knowing my last name as well. As someone (a woman no less) posted early on in this thread


it's funny, for women it's a safety measure (to not reveal your last name) but if a man wouldn't tell you his last name before the first date, I bet most women wouldn't go out with him...as a safety measure.


Because of course you have some women who have this reaction...


i weed out the garbage before i meet them. by the time i meet them, i want their birthdate, last name, workplace, home address, all truths................NO SECRETS


This is no doubt a woman who would be screaming from the rooftops though if he wanted the same info on her. The whole paranoia thing doesn't wash for me. Of course you hear the occasional horror stories about a crazed stalker, because horror stories make the news, and in today's wired world, news is on 24/7, and the worse it is the more airtime it gets. Not only that, but geography is no longer a factor, so something bad that happens in a small town on the East Coast now goes to serve as a worldwide warning to everyone. The fact is, the overwhelming majority of dates, like 99.9%, whether they turn out good or bad, don't turn out violent and end up on the news. Online dates are no more likely to result in mayhem than a date with someone you met at the supermarket or the bookstore; did you both exchange last names before agreeing to a date in that case too!?

I'm not a Pollyanna, and I don't think people should go around oblivious to their surroundings, but neither do I think they should be so jaded and cynical that their paranoia keeps them from ever letting down their guard enough to let another person in. If you want to date someone, of course they must have some sort of desirable quality about them or you would have just ignored them. Treat people the same way you would expect to be treated, and give them the benefit of the doubt until they prove otherwise, just like you would if you met them in person. Or stay home and keep b*itchin' about not being able to find a good man or woman to love.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 48
Woman won't tell me her last name
Posted: 3/6/2009 9:49:43 PM

and btw....there are alot of guys on here as well that dont give their last name.....so its not just the women.......

There are a LOT of people here who give names that aren't theirs to give. (Liar, liar, liar.)


I've never been directly asked for a last name nor have I asked for it from someone else - it's come up in natural conversation...it DOES set off a red flag when someone has to know something like this early on and gets pushy about it, so my reaction would be "what's it to you?" if that was the vibe I got from them, and it would make me think twice about sharing the information.

I agree. Pushiness gets one standard answer (question) from me: "Why do you ask?" If they can't answer that without irritation or hesitation, it's likely that I have no future need to discuss my name or anything else with that person. JMO
 parklabrea
Joined: 1/4/2009
Msg: 49
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Woman won't tell me her last name
Posted: 3/6/2009 10:00:31 PM
Maybe her name is Zbitihakeo'akjski and she's afraid you'll mis-pronounce it.
 The_Standard_Model
Joined: 7/14/2007
Msg: 50
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Woman won't tell me her last name
Posted: 3/6/2009 11:37:04 PM
The truth is if I asked a woman that I dated (even on a first date) her last name and she refused the information, it would throw up enough red flags to me that I would never take her seriously! I am not saying that I would end the date or never date her agin,but I would never make anything serious out of her. Let's face it, if we both drive, I can simply look at her license plate to get her information. do a reverse lookup on her phone number to get her information. Do one of a billion things to get her information. If you exist in soceity today, you are probably listed (both first and last name) in the phonebook with both phone number and address.
The truth is that while it may never occur to one to ask about a last name (and reasonably so) Let's not confuse it with trying to hide a last name.
For those that say a last name is not required by the three week point, well a first name is not 'REQUIRED' either. You could call each other by your POF screen names! It's not about required, it's about what is reasonable. If she does not feel comfortable enough around you after three weeks (three weeks in person and not just the Emailing back and forth if they met on line, making it even longer), then why is she dating someone that she feels so uncomfortable with? That is non-sense!!
Dating, means sharing who you are to some degree with another person. What are you gonna talk a bout?
"So do you have kids?"
'None of your business?'
"So what do you do for a living?"
'None of your business?'
"So did your power go out in the storm last night?"
'That would be telling you the general area where I live, so none of your business.'

This is ridiculous and none of those are as extreme as not sharing your name! The idea of security and defending yourself against freaks is more protecting your person. You don't want to give them your address so they can't get to you! Well you are already there.
You don't trust this guy with your last name, but you trust him not to dose your drink!?! (And trust me, I work in a bar, it's easier to do than you think.)
In my opinion, if you are this level worried about the person that you are dating, then you are not ready to date!
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