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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > Woman won't tell me her last name      Home login  
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 forum101
Joined: 2/5/2008
Msg: 51
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Woman won't tell me her last namePage 3 of 16    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16)
"Why wont she tell me her last name?", could just as well be, "why cant I meet her children?" "why cant I see her place"? She could be from an affluent family, in line for a big inheritance, hiding from a crazy ex and hoping your not a PI. Dozens of explainations out there. I would ask if she was planning on telling you sometime soon, but the fact is, if it is out of her comfort zone to tell you, and you dont have the right to push her on it, or demand anything, after 3 weeks. You only have the right to walk away, or be a bit more patient till she is ready to explain.
 forum101
Joined: 2/5/2008
Msg: 52
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Woman won't tell me her last name
Posted: 3/7/2009 8:25:29 AM
There is no way I would even begin dating someone that I didnt know his name. I'm too paranoid for that. I also find out where he lives, general area, what he does for a living, children. At least the basics.
 whytwater
Joined: 8/7/2008
Msg: 53
Woman won't tell me her last name
Posted: 3/7/2009 1:24:13 PM

But not by a woman.
As women, we are generally victims of violent crimes perpetrated by the same sex we date.
You are not.


Actually, Lonestar, although I think you're right that most violent crime is still committed by men, and that the number of reported assaults by men againt women far exceeds the reverse, the incidence of violent crimes by women, over the past two decades, has mushroomed at alarming rates (although has dropped some in the past few years).
Several commentators just have to point out that that mushroom cloud closely followed the advent of expanded women's rights, which probably has about as much correlation as the collapse and the stock markets and Obama's swearing in.
If someone wants to do you in, and is willing to die in that effort, or is unable to grasp the consequences of that behavior, there's little anyone can do to prevent it. I'm more focused on the mission here, I guess, and when anyone asks my surname, landline number, etc., I don't hesitate to provide that reality, as the lack of it seems to be a more immediate problem in sites like this one. I don't have an unlisted telephone number (for business reasons, at least), and my name is in all kinds of directories anyway. (On the humorous side, I go by my initials, just as alot of women do to mask the fact that a woman belongs to a listed number, but mine are entirely different reasons, Lol).
I was on a ship bound for Lisbon once, and halfway there, because we were running about 3 hours ahead of schedule, the Cap'n stopped the boat, threw nets over the side, and announced that anyone who wanted could jump in for a swim. I started to, but then noticed that he had sent 5 or 6 other guys to line-of-sight spots (bow to stern), with M1's. Shark angels. I didn't swim that day, cuz I had no way of knowing what was swimming below the surface. Given the same opportunity today, I'd probably decide differently.
 The_Standard_Model
Joined: 7/14/2007
Msg: 54
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Woman won't tell me her last name
Posted: 3/7/2009 1:34:22 PM

But not by a woman.
As women, we are generally victims of violent crimes perpetrated by the same sex we date.
You are not

Yeah but he can be stalked, have his identity stolen, be lead into a situation where he is assaulted by other men,, she could be marrried/have a boyfriend that attacks and assaults him for being with her while she was cheating...
After all that he wrote, the only thing that you choose to aknowledge was that??


To be willing to set up a POF account, log in to that account, put up pictures of yourself and tell people about yourself in that account is a much bigger risk than giving someone your name.

This is not being manipulative... it's simple knowledge combined with a lack of irrational paranoia.

And there's a difference between being rationally careful and Irrational Paranoia.


The absolute truth! If you are not comfortable with the idea of exposing yourself to a stranger to some degree, then internet dating is a poor choice for you.
YOU ARE MEETING STRANGERS OFF OF THE INTERNET!!
If giving your name is a huge issue (although you will give it to the guy behind the desk at block buster... like Block Buster has this intricate security protocal about your information!!) Then you are irrationally paranoid.
 jeeplover41
Joined: 9/7/2008
Msg: 55
Woman won't tell me her last name
Posted: 3/7/2009 2:05:31 PM
The absolute truth! If you are not comfortable with the idea of exposing yourself to a stranger to some degree, then internet dating is a poor choice for you.
YOU ARE MEETING STRANGERS OFF OF THE INTERNET!!
If giving your name is a huge issue (although you will give it to the guy behind the desk at block buster... like Block Buster has this intricate security protocal about your information!!) Then you are irrationally paranoid.


YES^^^^....if you are afraid to date....then stop dating

if you are afraid to meet someone....stay home

if you are afraid to fly........stay out of the airport

research internet dating "crimes" and you will find that the odds of some psycho causing you harm, or being stalked, or being robbed, or anything else is very, very low.

the odds of you being lied to are very high

after dating for 3 weeks she won't reveal her last name, she is mentally damaged, is hiding something, and/or is lying to SOMEONE or about her marital status, and i would drop her like a greased bowling ball

i dont play games......want to know my name, here's my business card, where i live, let's drive by my house........f*cking crazy paranoia
 whytwater
Joined: 8/7/2008
Msg: 56
Woman won't tell me her last name
Posted: 3/7/2009 4:06:05 PM

The problem with internet dating (and social networking in general) is that we give a LOT of information away to people we don't really know without actually realizing it. A last name combined with seemingly innocuous info during idle chat can be a much bigger deal in the long run.
In the real world, you generally have some verification that the person is who they say they are before they get identifying information.


Whenever I attend some seminar, convention, or even purely social events, I'm either wearing a name tag (first and last), as is every one else, or in the more casual settings, either someone introducing me to another, or them to me, will use my full name (not whytwater, lol) and give me the full name of whoever is being introduced. If there is no master of introductory ceremonies, I'm gonna stick out my hand, say I'm --- ---------, and look in your eyes expecting a mirror response. (The offered hand, if memory serves, is to show I'm unarmed, and vice versa). The only verification attending the event is that we are both at the same event. The other could be crashing the wedding. And at these events, I'm probably gonna meet (exchange names, full names) half of more of the attendees, or about two dozen, whichever is the lesser.

Does that make me "easy"? If it does, well, I've been doing it for decades, and have irretrievably lost "control".

I understand that anyone with computer access and my name can find out my address, my employment history, my SSN, my telephone number, who else resides, or has resided, in my house, the same info about the people who live in my vicinity (yeah! My neighbors, for christ's sake, whether I know them or not), and my professional associations, not to mention the names of clients I've represented in court, and so on and so on. I've used these sources on a few occasions, but only professionally. There are people, skip-tracers, whose job it is to do this every day to untold numbers of people. I can't hide, and I don't THINK you can either. But you can weird me out if we meet and you tell me that your name is privileged information.
How do you handle the kinds of interactions I first mentioned?


That was deep, Mr. Whytwater.
Awww, you wouldn't be jerking my chain, wouldja? Actually, my spine sorta stiffens when anyone calls me mister-makes me think I'm in some kind of trouble.
 MelloDLyn
Joined: 10/25/2004
Msg: 57
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Woman won't tell me her last name
Posted: 3/7/2009 4:54:37 PM
What does a last name mean? You can look up where they live and google and see their house and look up their police records. Last names are a big deal and being a woman I don't like to give mine either. There are too many stalkers out there.
 whytwater
Joined: 8/7/2008
Msg: 58
Woman won't tell me her last name
Posted: 3/7/2009 5:31:46 PM

It would certainly raise suspicion if someone is unduly focused on finding out my what my last name is


Sepia, I didn't read the OP as indicating that he was unduly focused on finding out her last name. And it surprises me a little that you (have read a number of your posts) wouldn't more carefully assess the impact that withholding something as simple as a surname would have on the person you're taking the trouble to meet. I don't see the OP as suggesting some jack-booted invasion of your privacy, or stripping your choices about divulging anything about yourself. Wear a veil, if that's how you feel most comfortable. But what's really the point of meeting anybody? What do you show a man at a first meet? Nothing? No possibly mutual interests, nature of work, community of residence? I mean, I read somewhere on these pages recently that it's a good idea, if I want to show my interest, to get a woman to talk about herself. That seemed like good advice to me, and I do that anyway, just cuz I'm gonna be curious, most people are most comfortable talking about the subject, themselves, they know best, and if divulging anything personal is off limits, what exactly should be happenin' on a first meet?
Maybe a better question is what sort of information are you looking for, or expect, on a first meet to inform your decision about subsequent meetings?
This thread has taken a strange turn, I think, and while I do try to keep a finger on the pulse by cruising these pages, I'm kinda nonplussed, now.
 The_Standard_Model
Joined: 7/14/2007
Msg: 59
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Woman won't tell me her last name
Posted: 3/7/2009 8:38:10 PM
He sure can! As can a woman. But only two of those have anything to do with a last name,


But most of what your are saying has nothing to do with a last name!

As women, we are generally victims of violent crimes perpetrated by the same sex we date.

Assault (which you brought up) has zero to do with a last name. it has to do with you being in his presence.


Because the rest of it was a long, drawn out, sarcastic, slippery rant. Why bother addressing that? I spoke to the only thing that held any actual *fact* in his post.

Most of us are talking without actual statisitics to verify what we are saying. But he was giving a very common males persective on the topic. It was not a slippery rant. Was it sarcastic? Several parts were, yes. But it was in response to a frankly irrational position, which is " I am afraid to reveal common information about myself in the name of self protection."
Which while a little paranoid because as a previous poster has stated people wear name tags with full names on them all the time. Your lic. plates are all one needs to get all the information possible... and countless other simple ways to get that information. The unreasonable part comes in when these self same people deceide that they want to PURPOSELY expose themselves to the said dangers by ATTEMPTING TO MEET STRANGERS FROM THE INTERNET!! On the assumption that these fears are real, why would one place themselves in harms way by exposing themselves to people that they do not trust that could 'harm them'? If their fears and concerns are so great, why would you choose to date using this type of venue? That is like getting into a car with a drunk driver!!
The conversation keeps going back to the person that you are dating is a stranger. He is to the point that you have never met him, but the point of emailing him and getting to know him is to build some level of trust and comfort. If you ain't comfortable enough to give him your name then don't date him.
Problem solved!


According to your dating etiquette, should I supply em also with my credit card number social security etc? LOL..

Actual his theory said, nor lead to anything of the sort.


Trying to ascertain a surname has nothing to do with trying to get to know a person upon first meet... What about women live alone who have met in public with men who turned out to weirdos? I am sure she would sleep better at nite knowing the creep has her last name and can stalk her.. no thx!!

Uhhh, if she met him her then she probably gave him her phone number so it is a moot point anyways. He can still stalk her all that he wants.
 SWSpice
Joined: 8/23/2007
Msg: 60
Woman won't tell me her last name
Posted: 3/7/2009 8:46:05 PM
I went out on a date with a guy and didn't want to tell him my last name. I told him it wasn't important. Too much information because I was not attracted to him at the time.

Turns out we dated for 9 months. He told me later he asked his best friend the next day why I said that. It was just I didn't want him to know anything about me.
 mthomjmark
Joined: 2/27/2008
Msg: 61
Woman won't tell me her last name
Posted: 3/7/2009 11:26:17 PM
I would run; not walk; but run to the nearest exit; she's mental and hiding something;

People should be paranoid though; this, "i'm an open book" crap is beyond naive.

But dating for 3 weeks and not knowing her name? weird.
 pearlj
Joined: 3/1/2007
Msg: 62
Woman won't tell me her last name
Posted: 3/8/2009 5:52:39 AM
The point is, with your last name, your address could be found out easily. I'd be incredibly Leary of a guy that was pressuring me to tell him my personal info. Red flags, red flags, girlfriend, step lightly.
 pearlj
Joined: 3/1/2007
Msg: 63
Woman won't tell me her last name
Posted: 3/8/2009 6:05:10 AM
We have no idea if they went on three dates, or has been dating exclusively for three weeks, or if they have been intimate (which constitutes a level of privacy that should make both partners privy to full names)
Assuming they have been casually dating for a few weeks, I would be leery of giving out my personal info, there are various other ways of getting someone's home address on the net and irl. However if she is still feeling nervous about the situation and you two have seen a lot of each other than either she IS hiding something, OR she isn't trusting her squirming gut. Either one doesn't bode well for your relationship.
 JulietJuliet
Joined: 2/5/2009
Msg: 64
Woman won't tell me her last name
Posted: 3/8/2009 6:10:25 AM
Three weeks is NOT a long time and certanly not long enough to devulge personal information. How many times during the 3 weeks have you met up with this woman? Once twice, perhaps a few times more?

Are people that paranoid in this society today not to share a basic bit of their identity with another out of some unfounded fear?
.....You are still a stranger to her and vice versa.
OP Why do you want to know her last name?
I don't give out my phone number to people I don't know well, because it's unlisted. It's unlisted for a reason so I guess this woman has her reasons for not telling you her last name and you need to respect that.
 The_Standard_Model
Joined: 7/14/2007
Msg: 65
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Woman won't tell me her last name
Posted: 3/8/2009 5:01:35 PM

Or you could quite trying to solve other people's non-issues, and I can date whom I like, when I like, and divulge what information I like. Problem solved!!!! Notice my dating method has worked for me.


??? No one tried to chose your dates for you. Quit trying to solve other peoples no-issues!?! Uhh, that is kind of the purpose of thise thread! Besides, it's all conversation so relax. No one is attacking you (although you attacked a different poster by refering to his post as a sarcastic rant).
By the way, I have no way of noticing whether your dating method has or has not worked for you. How would I?


His presence where? At Starbucks? Possibly, but not likely. More likely a private place...like my home.

... or walking you to your car, or following you to your car, or by doing a reverse look-up on your phone number that you probably gave him, or one of a dozen different reasonable ways to get your information.
That is the purpose of this conversation. No one here is trying to get you to not defend yourself. What is being said is if you are concerned with your personal safety, then there are actual effective ways to protect yourself and ineffectual ways.


Assault (which you brought up) has zero to do with a last name. it has to do with you being in his presence.

Again, if your concern is being assaulted by a stranger on a blind date, then internet dating is a poor choice for you. It's like saying that you are worried about driving fast, but choosing to drive on the highways and complaining that everyone else is driving to quickly and that THEY should slow down!
The facts of internet dating are simple. You are going out with strangers that you have never met. To date someone for three weeks and not know their name is just silly. Oddly, a number of women that claim that they would not share their names would then demand that the man give his information. A few would demand enough information for a back ground check! Preposterous!!
 EmbraceHug
Joined: 2/18/2009
Msg: 66
Woman won't tell me her last name
Posted: 3/8/2009 8:24:12 PM
After 3 weeks it makes no sense of her not telling you her name unless it's a famous name for a family member/relative who is quite infamous. Or it could be that she was in the past a victim of a stalker. Take these into consideration. Then you'll have to judge if she's just being ridculous or real.
 RenaissanceMan1950
Joined: 2/20/2009
Msg: 67
Woman won't tell me her last name
Posted: 3/8/2009 9:10:19 PM
o offense but its rather far fetched bordering on comical to allege that there is some *impact* on not providing someone that I am meeting for the first time with my last name? you cant be serious....


The whackos and weirdos, while a relatively small percentage, are common enough to cause all of us to be more concerned about safety and caution. While initial caution makes some sense, there comes a time, fairly early on, to either fish or cut bait. If you want a "guarantee" that someone can't become a "stalker" or obsessive, the only way to "be sure" is not get involved with anyone ever. On the other hand, small, reasonable steps towards revealing yourselves to each other, is the only way that any new person could ever move to a real relationship.

Telling someone your name is one of those small steps, that can reasonably expected to be part of beginning a potential relationship. Some can have fears, that "too much" can be discovered over the internet, if one has a name to search. On the other hand, there is a very real concern that the "reason" that a woman (or man) might not provide his/her name is that he/she is married, has a criminal record, or is a "con" man/woman.

I understand the concern that some have, who have been stalked. On the other hand, on two occasions during the 10 years since my divorce that I've been meeting women from online, I got to some level of "involvement" with women, who turned out to be married and hiding that fact, and in both cases, they gave me fake names.

So, OP, were I you, and had seen a woman 3 times in the real world, and she refused to give me her last name, the red flags would be waving.
 RenaissanceMan1950
Joined: 2/20/2009
Msg: 68
Woman won't tell me her last name
Posted: 3/8/2009 11:32:52 PM

When she feels the need to tell you she'll tell you.


While I can see multiple points of view, and their valid points, in this thread, it's this "queen bee" attitude that annoys me.

Truth is, there are just as many women looking for relationships, as there are men. Men, equally, are perfectly justified in walking away from situations that make them uncomfortable, and I have.

Yes, a woman is "entitled" to withhold her name, but if she does so, past the point, where I start to feel uncomfortable, I am likewise "entitled" to just stop writing or calling or asking to see her again.

IMO, if you aren't "comfortable" revealing your realites to each other after 3 real life dates, as the OP described, then it's time for each of you to simply say "next!" and move on. There are more "suitable" prospects out there, than any of us could ever get to in a lifetime, so why bog down in confusing, angst producing situations?
 The_Standard_Model
Joined: 7/14/2007
Msg: 69
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Woman won't tell me her last name
Posted: 3/9/2009 1:01:19 AM
Did I claim I was being attacked?

?? You don't have to actually say the words. You are responding in a defensive manner, like you were being confronted instead of exchanging ideas.


Or you could quite trying to solve other people's non-issues, and I can date whom I like, when I like, and divulge what information I like. Problem solved!!!!

Seriously? Do you honestly believe hat this post is about you and your opinions instead of a question posed by the OP and being discussed by a few dozen other people that are all relating their thoughts and opinions? Seriously? Take the points of view or don't take them as you see fit.

You say the same thingover and over again as often as you'd like, but you're wasting your time. Was that clear enough?

Lonestarstar, you are simply one a f maybe forty or more people in this conversation. I am not simply addressing you (actually before you got all upitty, I was not addressing you personally. I was addressing your point of view. Do you truly believe that to disagree with your view point is the same as demeaning you as a person? Relax!) I was addressing the people that were espousing your point of view.
I was attempting to point out what I and others feel are the falises in their logic, just as they are trying to do. No one here is angry or telling anyone to be quite but you.
You have gone on a few 'sarcastic rants' yourself at this point. There is no need.


Do you know why this is a non-issue for me?

Does not seem like a non-issue from here as you are getting quite worked up about it.


And it was a sarcastic rant. If that's all it takes for you to qualify something as an insult you should grow a thicker skin (or do your best not to post sarcastic rants when I'm around.)

Actually, you attempting to reduce his well thought out ideas to just a slippery sarcastic rant is insulting. I am quite sure that you are aware of it. You used the excuse that he just wrote a slippery, sarcastic rant as the reason that his post was not worth you responding to it, which is insulting.

So, I'm sorry, but nobody is asking anything of me, and I'm not asking anything of them.

It's odd that you say that. I believe that is the problem with this idea. If you go out on a date with someone, then something is being asked and expected of you. You should also be expecting it. That thing is that this is the possible beginning of a romantic relationship. The two of you are together to have the oppertunity to get a chance to get to know each other and see if there is chemistry. Usually there is not. Sometimes there is. The only way to truly find out is to be open to sharing yourself with the other person.
The truth is that your name is something that you share with perfect strangers. With online dating there is an assumption that you are going to email a bit and talk on the phone a few times prior to dating so that you can feel each other out before you meet face to face. You should have built some level of comfort before you went out with him.
If the level of comfort that you have built is less than that of the kid behind the counter at your local Block Buster, then you are wasting your time. Because every single employee of Block Buster around your state has far more information than your name at the touch of a button.
 forum101
Joined: 2/5/2008
Msg: 70
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Woman won't tell me her last name
Posted: 3/9/2009 9:47:33 AM
OP isnt coming back.
Every once in a while, that rational mind of mine, kicks in.
He began dating a woman, and he didnt know her last name. Three weeks. Them dating, and it was aggreeable on both sides, that he not know. Yet, know he wants to know. Kind of like, backing out of an agreement. The only options is to continue dating, or not. Not like he didnt knew he didnt know (?) her name, (does that work, grammatically?) in the beginning. In a way he is wanting to change the game plan.
Whatever, he doesnt have the right to push her for info she isnt ready to give, and if he cant handle, walk.
If someone is wanting to date me, a full name is first priority, and a phone number I can contact them with. We might even talk casually about what kind of car he drive, make/model. I give these to a family member, in case I "go missing". Of course, a lot of people are lying on here anyway.
 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 71
Woman won't tell me her last name
Posted: 3/9/2009 12:53:22 PM
I'm curious...all this advice about moving on to the next person when you see
red flags ABOUT ANYTHING.
I don't mind giving out my last name....but I can understand those that aren't comfortable with it. I agree with the above poster...you should be yourself, be open, be honest and share WHAT YOU ARE COMFORTABLE with....thats not paranoia...that's taking care.
But what I'm curious about...I've read so many posts that say move on, next, there are more fish in the sea...etc....where the heck are all these people that are supposed to be out there?
and if they're out there and we keep moving towards them...how come there are so many of us still here?

and PS...I believe there are people that you can trust 100%...and if there are people in here that have managed to make it to 45+ years and have yet to find someone like that...well, I feel sorry for you.
 cici2u
Joined: 3/2/2009
Msg: 72
Woman won't tell me her last name
Posted: 3/9/2009 1:14:26 PM
What is the fear today of women not telling a fellow what her last name is?
hummmm.. well> there are so many no, no's .. but I'll list top four
1) Identity theft
2)serial killers
3)sex prediators
4)stalkers
Internet is an open avenue , and not everyone who roam the internet or dating sites have good purpose. In reality there are serial killers, sex prediators, criminal from different avenue. It's so easy to google, or 411 an individual name, or number and get information on that person, and if a person is willing to pay under 30$ they could receive more valuable info, such as , the person's address, number, etc.
It's unfortunately that those individual who mean good suffer because of a few idiots, but that's the way it is.
 cici2u
Joined: 3/2/2009
Msg: 73
Woman won't tell me her last name
Posted: 3/9/2009 1:32:56 PM
LonestarStar : You it the nail right on the head

and I'll like to add that a person's last name should be the least.. actually its petty? why not focus more on person's character, the chemistry, etc. It shouldn't be taken personal if a person decide not to share their last name.
 cici2u
Joined: 3/2/2009
Msg: 74
Woman won't tell me her last name
Posted: 3/9/2009 3:29:11 PM
""I have been going out with a woman for the last three weeks who insists in not telling me her last name at this point in the relationship. What is the fear today of women not telling a fellow what her last name is? I have never had this experience before with a woman. Are people that paranoid in this society today not to share a basic bit of their identity with another out of some unfounded fear?""

hummmm.. interesting.. I don't recalled him stating that she got into his car.. maybe you should reread the post again.. I copy and paste it for you.. to save you the trouble to back page
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 75
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Woman won't tell me her last name
Posted: 3/9/2009 3:51:35 PM
I don't know if anyone touched on this yet... were I dating someone for three weeks and didn't feel secure enough by that point to tell him my name... I think it would be a pretty big indication to me that this just wasn't going to work.

I've never dated anyone for 3 weeks without both of us knowing each others' names.
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