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 NotInnocent
Joined: 9/7/2007
Msg: 72
Fear of dating single mothersPage 3 of 18    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18)

The moral here is that I as her mother I advised her to not have kids as a teenager or while she was in her 20's and in the beginning of her marriage. I told her to spend time doing things she really wants to do and get some education and spend a lot of time messing around and enjoying her husband because once the kids start to come, she will have a lot established, a lot to offer and be ready to be a real committed parent. Looks like she listened. This is a lot of what YOUNG single moms will never have...........


tlm..
ya know.. I did think you were more intelligent then this. If it was as simple as mother saying don't get pregnant as a teen. It's more complicated then telling your child to get an education and be young before having children. My mother said all that to me as well. And I had a child at 20. I could give you all the scenarios that allowed that to happen, but what would that prove? I made bad choice. it has nothing to do with my mother not giving me sound advise. I challenge you to find a mother who told thier child hey go out, get pregnant have lots of kids all before you are 20. I mean come on!
and before the insults come. Noone but myself support me or my son in anyway, save my mother not kicking me onto the street when I first became a mother. Food, rent, babysitting, daycare, insurance, college, car etc.... all paid for by me from the get go.
 Tealwood
Joined: 12/16/2008
Msg: 73
Fear of dating single mothers
Posted: 1/13/2009 6:47:29 AM
The fear of dating single mothers....or really simply the fear of dating non productive members of society? It does and should go both ways.

Is it fair to suggest that having a child and being single is the first red flag? After all that flag could be applied to either gender. I have no problem with the suggestion that I am single....custodial parent...should be a potential red flag....either as added responsibilities.and obligations or for woman who are at my age and have children over 18...a different red flag...

But being single with children...one should look at their profiles...

single mother young who has already owned a home and has written a profile that exudes self confidence and self reliance. I suggest that with or without someone beside her this profiles shouts a person who will prosper on her own or with someone. In fact she might even be slowed or hampered in her goals by a relationship...

or single mother who is self employed....appears to have evolved into a very self sufficient woman. Now this woman has traveled and gotten around the world on her own...which for a fellow wandering soul speaks or shouts volumes....but a flavour I lean towards......

or a single young mother who has little to no work experience...who has or appears to have no means of taking care of her children...and complains about why the ex is not making cs payments and how much of a deadbeat he is. Would it be fair to suggest birds of a feather flock together?

or a single middle 30's type who is still in school and shows little to no ability to be able to provide for themselves and her children at the level where they seem to be. The one who is living off someone else's money in all probability will continue to do so in spite of the suggestion of finishing school sometime in the future//someone who speaks and advocates for social justice issues is to be commended and applauded yet has no discernable earnings, should be done perhaps from afar???

Is life fair....I will leave that for you...am i jaded and bitter...as some have suggested...I do not think so...I am because of work and circumstances...the only one able to pay and provide for my children. I do so gladly....

But I am not interested in getting saddled again with a user....or a finacial non producer. And as we go into this new world of financial uncertainty.

I suggest that the profiles show 2 high quality single parents....one undesirable...and one who shouts...questions.

The only problem is the 2 high quality woman are far to young for me....so for late 40's with children still a few years away from leaving home......I might suggest my options are limited...as I find many woman see my situation as a red flag since their children are listed as over 18....I have that fear factor..and i accept that...I understand that...and if the roles were reversed..i would probably feel the same way.
 Capitano_Blaugh
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 75
Fear of dating single mothers
Posted: 1/13/2009 7:10:21 AM

Sadness because I do not think that having a vasectomy and freezing sperm or never living with someone are "good choices". I think they are extreme choices and could lead to as much unhappiness and regret, if not more than being open to living with someone and/or having children "the good old fashioned way".


But it's precisely "the good old fashioned way" that is the problem. I would counsel any young man to make sure HE is control of his sperm in every way possible. Girls and women have been told these past 40 years that they can have it all and that they deserve it all.

Fantastic.

But it even extends into choosing to have kids pretty well anytime they want. You hear the message to young women in the fora all the tme. "It's ok if you're pregnant. That's SO great. You're blessed".Women are the sole decision-makers when it comes to introducing a new life into the world.

I'd like my sons to be in control of their reproductive lives.rather than have another human being to choose for them. Simple, really. And, PLEASE, don't tell me to tell them to keep it in their pants. You all know that that is not any more likely to happen than your daughters will keep their pants on.

Cheers.
 NotInnocent
Joined: 9/7/2007
Msg: 76
Fear of dating single mothers
Posted: 1/13/2009 7:11:36 AM
M church...
you are being so ridiclous..

Weight and physical apperance is atrtributed to having had a child??

ha ha.. i was thinner after i had my son. pfffffth and actually.. I was allergic to dairy prior to being pregnant and now am not. lol. ha. pregnancy made me healthier!

Hmm.. I do however still have asthma and a severe allergy to seafood.

Is that all because I'm a single mother? lmao.. how do you explain then that i developed those conditions prior to being pregnant..

I find your comments extremely shallow, immature, uneducated and superficial.

I'm a single parent.. that must explain why my hair likes to be frizzy on occasion to.. lmao..
 itsallinthesoul
Joined: 9/30/2008
Msg: 77
Fear of dating single mothers
Posted: 1/13/2009 7:12:26 AM
I'm a single mother. I'm self-employed, make a good living and provide for my children without the support of the government. I get no child support for one child and a small amount for my second child. My kids are 11 years apart in age. Whether or not I find a man with whom I can have a healthy relationship is not #1 on my list of priorites. If I meet someone I like and would like to have a relationship with who rejects me because I am a single mom, I really don't care. I love my children, they are not a burden to me or to anyone else. I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world.

The reality is that there are single parents (male and female) who have made bad choices but have risen to the challenge of being both a parent and a productive member of society. If someone wants to exclude them from their dating pool, that is their perogative and in my opinion, their loss.

Most people who reach a certain age have made some decisions in the past that they would change if they could, but they don't have to wear those decisions as openly as those of us who have children. I used birth control...it failed. I made a decision to have my children and I HAVE NO REGRETS!!!

I own my home (well the bank and I are co-owners) and we have a good life, the 3 of us. I have good friends, a career I enjoy and family that I care deeply about. There is nothing wrong with my life, except maybe for the lack of that special person who thinks I am special too. If I was told I would have to trade what I have to be with that special person, well...that person is no longer very special to me.

We single parents (moms and dads) don't need to defend ourselves to anyone. We do the best we can each and every day with the hand we dealt. We don't need to let anyone make us feel inferior to them...that is a choice we can make. Let others have their opinions...they are entitled to them afterall.

Single parents rock!
 Capitano_Blaugh
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 78
Fear of dating single mothers
Posted: 1/13/2009 7:14:55 AM

I find your comments extremely shallow, immature, uneducated and superficial.





There you go.... what an original attack from a woman! Bravo!

... you forgot, bitter and insecure.

... sheesh...
 NotInnocent
Joined: 9/7/2007
Msg: 79
Fear of dating single mothers
Posted: 1/13/2009 7:57:56 AM
ha.. thanks.. I was referring to the attack on physical appearance by the poster I was addressing.

I'm not bitter or insecure..simply showing how ridiclous that comment was.

Had to dumb it down a bit so the poster I was addressing would understand.
 itsallinthesoul
Joined: 9/30/2008
Msg: 80
Fear of dating single mothers
Posted: 1/13/2009 8:35:26 AM
NotInnocent, we all have opinions....and last time I checked, we were free to verbalize (or in this medium, to type) them out for the consideration of others, even when they are offensive and based on bs.

As a woman and a single mom, I don't enjoy reading some posts either but really....the person behind the post is not someone I would respect in the real world either-certainly not someone I would want to date. There are some "issues" to dating and falling in love with a person who is responsible for the day-to-day care of children. Some people are risk-adverse. Some people are not.

Some in society see single parents as lepers. What a label to have....*shakes head*. I know that at the end of the day, there are two people who are very happy that I am in their life, one is 14 and one is 3 and they matter more to me than any opinion written on this thread or any other.

It does take a very "special" kind of person (some would say fool) to step in and want to be a step-parent, a person who is capable of loving a non-bio child...they do seem to be a rarity on this site. Oh well, what can you do? Nothing. Can you change, would you want to change your status as a parent? I would not. Would it have been better if I had my children within a marriage? Nope....doesn't seem to matter the circumstances under which one becomes a single parent to most....we are all just lepers.

Some don't believe in divorce and will judge on that. Some don't get that people can change over time and "surprise us". Some just like to blame women for every ill that exists in society. It takes all kinds to make this world go around.

There are also some people that want to have children and perhaps single parents with children do not want to have anymore children.

It is all about preferences and we all have a right to our preferences, don't we? We also have a right to be an a$$hole if that makes it easier for us to sleep at night or to justify our beliefs.
 NotInnocent
Joined: 9/7/2007
Msg: 81
Fear of dating single mothers
Posted: 1/13/2009 8:43:09 AM
I agree with everything you said. If he had read my origional post it was full of sarcasm. Which I'm sure is a downfall of a single parent as well. lol. I don't really care much what people think. I just think it's ridiclous to attribute physical appearance and medical ailments to being a parent. I worked around the medical feild for a long time and have seen some things and they have nothing to do with parental status. I currently am dating someone who wants to be with me and shows me that, cares about me and my son and thinks I'm beautiful. So I know there are people out there who will look past the single parent label. To everyone else.. good luck in your search.
 Twilightslove
Joined: 12/9/2008
Msg: 83
view profile
History
Fear of dating single mothers
Posted: 1/13/2009 10:09:07 AM
It is a sad situation that causes single parenting and an even sadder situation to get involved with someone else who does not have the ability to love the children unconditionally.

It's a real shame that divorces have to happen and that some men are not grown up enough to take on the responsibility of their own children but it happens. Occasionally it is even a mom who walks away and leaves the dad to carry on with all the responsibilities. Either way the children are in the middle of a situation that they did not ask for and often the parent who chooses to stay with the children.

Single parents need other people to help them through some very hard periods of time. Raising children alone is very strenuous and stressful at times. Actually there are so many moms out there who are married with children that have more stress on them then they should have because even though they are married their husbands are non attentive spouses and dads at times.

That is why we read about the mom who went crazy and drowned her children or the dad who decided to shoot his whole family and himself. It takes two to parent at the very least and often it is only one parent doing it all.

At the very least, give single parents your time and caring. Take their children for awhile so they can get out and enjoy an adult afternoon or evening on a regular basis. Offer your services so that the plumbing they cannot afford done gets done, the car that is acting up gets repaired, or the son who needs a dad to attend a cub scout dinner has a male partner like the other cub scouts do.
 .Kels.
Joined: 10/11/2008
Msg: 84
Fear of dating single mothers
Posted: 1/13/2009 11:00:31 AM

Kels, good for you, be very proud of yourself!!!
At 19 owning a home was the farthest thing off my mind, i was gyspying through countries and continents (against my familys wishes)at 19!

And i know you're not refering to "all women", but seriously, the average housewife is not some uneducated moron that has no options in life but to sit at home while husband pays the bills. The housewives i know are all very intelligent women with many options, i myself was a houswife during my marriage, and continued to stay home even after, and when i was left widowed i did not turn to welfare or minimum wage work, we do absolutely wonderful.
In fact, better off than many other families. We dont need, want, or struggle for anything.
I know single mothers dont like to be stereotyped, i know i sure dont, stay at home moms are just as much deserving of respect as any other mother.


thanks hun! i honestly am!

ALL my friends who are my age who are either common law or married with kids, they have gr 12 education, and nothing els, nothing that they can make a career out of and make good money,
i wasnt really talking about older house wives who stay at home, things were different back then and most of them didnt get knocked up out of wed lock at 16-22 which seems to be so common now its really sad,
and i dont mean to say that single stay at home moms dont deserve respect, or their jobs are easier then working single mothers, ive done both! and with working i feel terrible for the amount of time im missing from my son. BUT it depends where a single stay at home moms income comes from, if she IS on welfare, and are is stay at home mom and her children are older then the age of one, then yes i will call her lazy and she can be doing something more for herself and her children.

i also dont understand how houswives DONT want to work and make an income for herself? i could NEVER EVER EVER sit on my ass all day during my marriage and let my husband work his ass off to provide for me and pay all my bills and let me go shopping with his money, i would feel ashamed and imbarrased, to much so that i dont even think i could spend his money!
i grew up in a home where my dad worked his ASS off to provide for my mom, my sister and myself, while my mom stayed at home and raised us, seeing what my dad had to go through, how little time we got to spend with our dad because he was working 2 jobs and 15 hour days, no way would i do that to my husband,
people need more drive now-a-days,

which resume would look better when your husband and you split?
one who hasnt had a job in 20 years because she was a stay at home mom?
or one who went a couple years without working to raise her babies then went straight back to work and has had constant jobs since ?

( and no im not talking about you so dont take this tooo personal even tho i know i will piss off some ladies)
 Veltro
Joined: 4/15/2008
Msg: 85
Fear of dating single mothers
Posted: 1/13/2009 11:34:42 AM
Well quite frankly you either like kids or you don't. I would date a single mother a this point because I have kids but that does not preclude dating a woman who does not have kids as long as she likes children thats great. Pre " marriage "I had no issues dating single a single mother because I like children.

This topic folds nicley into the "children topic I might add. Having said that, I think that you should be meeting children once your relationship is firmly established anyway.
 babette
Joined: 1/9/2009
Msg: 86
Fear of dating single mothers
Posted: 1/13/2009 11:58:35 AM
really why avoid or fear something you have little intrest in. Single women with children are usually not even intreseted, theirs lives are full all ready and interesting enough, not to fear nor stero type people bases on their own sights. Fears in life if you want to look down instead of smile at people start naming the reasons your not interested nor want to meet them, as people . Its not hard nor far after all they are humans and life is not a picture perfect lane of dreams and dids. Im sure their much more happier not knowing what people think about their personal lives cause they have lives oviously and get the drift . That they are perfect the way they are with or with out mens thoughts on ideal dating and why not to. So don't do it its not worth it for you when their single mothers and not women who live lifes.
 SweetnessInFlorida
Joined: 6/26/2008
Msg: 88
Fear of dating single mothers
Posted: 1/13/2009 12:27:44 PM
Meh, i think capitano's idea is great. Women complain about deadbeats oft, i think it would be great for a man to to decide NOT to go into parenthood when he is not ready, and have his sperm available for when he IS ready.

Kels, i have all the respect in the world for you as a hard-working single mom and accomplishing so much so young, i see what youre saying, but really not every housewife is lazy and out doing nothing but spending money; i was a bit shocked whenmy husband suggested me staying home, as we had started off with us both working and splitting home xpenses. but the reality of it was that he worked long hours, and came home tired as hell and a bit pissy from dealing with douchebags all day (he was a cop), and i suggested daycare and he said no, no daycare, you just stay home, so there it was. I had never been more tired in my life the first few months staying home.

OP, just take it case by case.
As tealwood pointed out, there is a great variety of types of women that are parents.
Dont pass up a great woman just because she is a parent, but i wiould advise you to stay far far far away from the ones looking for insta-daddies, or someone to pay their bills because they cant, or feel that you OWE them something because of their single parent status.
 SweetnessInFlorida
Joined: 6/26/2008
Msg: 89
Fear of dating single mothers
Posted: 1/13/2009 12:50:02 PM

you know she puts out. the advantage of a single mom and chances are she always has milk and peanut butter at her house. (WIC)


O.M.G
Thanks, for giving me my guilty pleasure of the day by laughing my freaking ass off on that comment. Im sure some may take offense and i woudlnt blame them a bit, but i just sprayed my monitor with the dr pepper i was drinking.
That was FUNNY AS HELL.
 OAS500
Joined: 2/8/2006
Msg: 90
Fear of dating single mothers
Posted: 1/13/2009 6:20:40 PM
The best are the ones with kids already grown up and moved away! LOL!
 hannity
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 91
Fear of dating single mothers
Posted: 1/13/2009 6:23:45 PM
OP, don't date Single Moms, dating single moms and single parents in general, are just like dating married people.
 Capitano_Blaugh
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 92
Fear of dating single mothers
Posted: 1/13/2009 7:32:15 PM

I'm not bitter or insecure..simply showing how ridiclous that comment was.


I didn't say or even imply that you ARE bitter or insecure....

... you had just forgotten to call the other poster those things, so I thought I should remind you...


 Capitano_Blaugh
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 93
Fear of dating single mothers
Posted: 1/13/2009 7:37:30 PM

and b) believe it or not, some people out there still want to partner up and have a family and spend their lives together. And my son may be one of those people and I don't see any problem with that.


Well, yes, we differ in our faith in relationships and marriage, without a doubt. I wish you and your son all the happiness in the world, truly. Believe it or not I really DO like happy endings.

I just would never put money on your son or my sons being in the half of men who end up in life-long, happy relationships. So, good luck. It's a crap shoot.


But you and I fundamentally disagree on the notion of women being the "sole decision" makers. I know this from your previous posts. And I respect your view. I just don't agree with it.


Well, you can disagree all you want, but there is no way to argue that women are NOT the sole decision-makers. Men have absolutely no say in whether or not a child will be born.

But, you are welcome to deny reality and I respect that.

Cheers.
 Capitano_Blaugh
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 94
Fear of dating single mothers
Posted: 1/13/2009 7:53:31 PM

Right back at ya, Capitano!




Ah, if only I could. I'd be happy to hear about any delusions you feel I'm livin' ....

... 'cause reality it pretty difficult to deny...

 Capitano_Blaugh
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 95
Fear of dating single mothers
Posted: 1/13/2009 8:09:54 PM

yeah yeah, i think that thread has already been done!


Yeah, I think you're right, it has been done...

.... though, it still stands that denying reality does not change reality...



 .Kels.
Joined: 10/11/2008
Msg: 96
Fear of dating single mothers
Posted: 1/13/2009 8:25:15 PM

i also dont understand how houswives DONT want to work and make an income for herself?
It's not about not wanting to work or making an income. It's about what they believe to be in the best interests of their children.

There is endless amounts of research pointing the fact that full time daycare for children under the age of about 4 can be incredibly detrimental to their emotional and developmental well being. Furthermore, some people do and will put above all else their family.


i could NEVER EVER EVER sit on my ass all day
I am actually looking forward to that aspect of returning to work, where I probably will sit on my ass a greater part of the day, versus now, when there is very little time to sit down!


people need more drive now-a-days
See, I've got plenty of drive. It's just that my priorities and values are very different to yours. I don't believe wanting to be at home to care for pre-school children is "lazy" in any way shape or form. There is no doubt in my mind I am doing what is best for my children for this incredibly small part of their lives, in the greater scheme of things. And their father is in total agreement.

Now, once my children are at school, that's a totally different ballgame. But I will never regret or feel shame or embarrassment for taking care of my kids. Just because my contribution is not financial in the short-term does not make it any less valuable.


i never said it wasnt in the best interest of the children but if you could be doing more for yourself then why dont you do it? by all means i would love to spend as much time with my son as i could and not have someone els watching him during the day but in a single mothers world thats just impossible unless you are living off the government , child support and child tax. and i know being a stay at home isnt "lazy" i stayed home with him for a full year , but yes i could of been doing a bit more with my time as well during that year.
at least get a part time job and work a couple shifts a week,
i dunno, it just dosnt fly with me is all,
i could never be a full time stay at home mom, i would go crazy being home all the time, and PLUS i think its good for kids to interact with one another while being at day care,
 catseye7433
Joined: 3/5/2008
Msg: 97
Fear of dating single mothers
Posted: 1/13/2009 9:43:02 PM
You're going to get advice from both sides, but being a single mother I think you need to find a woman that you too have a lot in common. I don't mean only interest and hobbies, etc. You really have to be on the same page if you are going to be with this person - to grow, to bring a family into this world, and the security. Because regardless if they have kids or not, it'll never work if you don't. The thing is, if you both agree on how you should raise children, run a household, and have value and respect towards each other - her having a kid is not going to be an issue.

The flipside of the coin too is if you date a woman that doesn't have kids you can only assume what she will be like as a mother. She may be all sweet and handle children great now, but after she has her own and the freaking hormones and reality kicks in; she may not be all that great after all.

Its the roll of the dice buddy ~ you win some you lose some!
 .Kels.
Joined: 10/11/2008
Msg: 98
Fear of dating single mothers
Posted: 1/13/2009 9:43:50 PM

I would have deeply regretted putting babies into full time long day care, never seeing them and not contributing to the most important time in their lives, developmentally speaking.

some women dont have the choice NOT to put their kids in full time day care,
 SweetnessInFlorida
Joined: 6/26/2008
Msg: 99
Fear of dating single mothers
Posted: 1/13/2009 10:11:38 PM
Nothing wrong with staying home if you can afford to do so.
I never had the luxury of sitting on my ass all day as a SAHM, there was always things to do and places to go.
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