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 Capitano_Blaugh
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 113
Fear of dating single mothersPage 5 of 18    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18)

I was genuinely curious on his insight. Iam not demanding that he date one or change his preferences. Just wondering if the point of view would be different if he met a woman who did not fall into the stereotypes.
And yeah, a mother who does not battle with an ex on the constant, and can comfortably provide for her and her childen without burdening others is a good start to being the "perfect single mom".

I dont understand how "us women" are expecting others to live with our choices.
I have never in my life demanded of ANY man, or person, to live with my choices.


Well, maybe I can shed a bit of light on this one, though I don't mean to defend or stand in proxy for another person.

When I met my ex and the woman with whom I lived for almost 8 years, she was a single mother who was collecting welfare, but who was also from a pretty solid two parent family and who was going to school to be able to support herself. Great.

Against my better judgement, I chose to keep seeing her and, because at that time I still believed that love was a great force in the universe, I fell in love with her and asked her and her son to move into my house.

To make a long story short, it ended up costing me a LOT of money. She said that she didn't want or need another father for her son. But, as time went by, I was asked to watch the boy for a couple of hours, an afternoon, a day, a couple of days while she had stuff to do. Then, there were the bedtimes when she was tired and wanted me to put him to bed which led to MY turn to put him to bed every second night.

I used to have at least a thousand bucks in my savings from the time I was about 14 years old. Once I started living with her, I was more often than not at $0 or in debt. It was this, that and the other thing that had to be purchased. Shit I NEVER needed when I was single.

Like an IDIOT I went along with it. And, to this day, I pay. I had to pay CS for my stepson despite my ex collecting CS from the bio-dad. We've been apart for going on 8 years.

Do I regret being with her? Yeah, though I have a couple of cool kids now, but honestly I can't say I'm BETTER, personally, in any way because of it. I'm definitely NOT better off, financially. I still see my step-son all the time. In fact, he prefers my place to either of his bio-parents who live in the same town.

Women see one of their primary goals in life as having a kid or kids. Most men just don't see life like that. Sure, many of us want to pass our genetic stuff into the future, but we don't see our main function in life as being a parent....

... we DO see our main function as being the Stud-Muffin of the Universe, which is a very different POV....

Cheers.
 Capitano_Blaugh
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 114
Fear of dating single mothers
Posted: 1/16/2009 3:38:00 PM

But at the end of the day, you made the choices, yes?




Ah, good points... one of the troubles of posting extended thoughts in fora and forgetting that the rules of good essay writing...

My point is, in a nutshell, is that it's a crap-shoot. Dating and living with ANY woman is an exercise in second guessing. Dating and living with a woman who is also a single mother adds variables to the crap-shoot that are best avoided.

.... I'll work on the delivery, Madame Le Prof......

 itsallinthesoul
Joined: 9/30/2008
Msg: 115
Fear of dating single mothers
Posted: 1/16/2009 4:05:10 PM
Ah capitano...you are a single parent, no? I guess that makes you as much of a risk to date as a single parent who happens to be female. I guess then that any woman should avoid dating you because dating and living with a man who is also a single father adds variables to the crap-shoot that are best avoided. I assume your advice is relevant for both sexes and is not intended to "bash" single "women" who are also parents, right?
 SweetnessInFlorida
Joined: 6/26/2008
Msg: 116
Fear of dating single mothers
Posted: 1/16/2009 4:24:09 PM
Capitano gave some very good insight. Thats right there is a PERFECT example of why, some people, may fear dating a single mother. And i hope that when i come to the point of my life where i want a LTR, that the single mothers who are like that have not given the rest of us a bad name.
Didnt see any bashing, just a honest reply.
 Capitano_Blaugh
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 117
Fear of dating single mothers
Posted: 1/16/2009 4:56:06 PM

Ah capitano...you are a single parent, no? I guess that makes you as much of a risk to date as a single parent who happens to be female. I guess then that any woman should avoid dating you because dating and living with a man who is also a single father adds variables to the crap-shoot that are best avoided. I assume your advice is relevant for both sexes and is not intended to "bash" single "women" who are also parents, right?


Of course.

The difference is the way women and men live their lives, really.

Women, generally speaking, look at life as a collaborative endeavour. Men, generally speaking, look at live as a singular, solitary experience and therein lies the difference.

So, YES, women should avoid living with men. Men will do ANYTHING to ensure that his spawn lives, if he is so inclined. But, his primary drive is that he HAS spawn. The two drives do not always exist in the same sphere of existance.

This really ain't rocket science....

So, YES, I am a risk to date or live with. The big difference is that I make a pretty darned good living. I can AFFORD to have kids. I have two degrees. I spent time making sure that I was marketable....

... but, as smart as I am, I was just as likely to be a fvcking idiot when it came to believing that 'true' love exists....

 itsallinthesoul
Joined: 9/30/2008
Msg: 118
Fear of dating single mothers
Posted: 1/16/2009 5:30:35 PM
aw sweetness...how many of capitano's threads have you actually read in these forums? He is always saying the same thing over and over again...he would never again date a single Mom....yeah I get that and guess what, I wouldn't want to date him either. I tend to prefer people with open minds who do not wear their baggage on their sleeve and look at me as an individual and don't compare me to the other women they have dated. Cap had one bad experience with one single Mom and he brushes all single moms with a solitary brush (at least that is the impression he gives).

As for dating...like you...I'm really not that "invested" in finding a man to share my life with, I am quite happy and content to be single and focus on my kids. While I may not have as much money as you do, I am quite capable of taking care of my family without the financial support of a man or the government.

Cap...I was just checking...didn't think you had a double standard, but wanted to be sure.
 Capitano_Blaugh
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 119
Fear of dating single mothers
Posted: 1/16/2009 6:06:40 PM

Cap had one bad experience with one single Mom and he brushes all single moms with a solitary brush (at least that is the impression he gives).




Nice.

Well, yup, the one experience I most often use as an example is the one that I recommend young men pay attention to because it's the one that was the epitome of what most men dread.

Make light of it, if you will, I'm ok with that, but don't believe it's the ONLY experience I've had with single moms. And, believe it or not, I know OTHER men and have actually talked with them about similar things...

... I know it's difficult to believe, but men DO talk about things other than sports, how much beer they can swill and which ass they'd like to tap....



 itsallinthesoul
Joined: 9/30/2008
Msg: 120
Fear of dating single mothers
Posted: 1/16/2009 6:38:56 PM
Cap...I only know about you that which you post.

I do not intend to make light of it....since most of my friends are male and most of them are fathers, I too have heard the "hell" stories, but I have also heard some really "positive" stories.

Here is one "horror" story that I know of....

A women in the process of being divorced by her husband, hears that he has received a multi-million dollar offer to purchase his company....she holds out for the million dollar settlement. The divorce agreement stipulates at the time, that is all she gets. Of course, we all know that line doesn't hold up in court if she is able to squander the million and show hardship to the courts so guess what she does....yup...she squanders it in less than 5 years, then sues the ex in court for CS in the amount of $10K/month which she is awarded because the ex is a multi-millionnaire. Now this "lady" sinks her teeth into a very dear friend of mine, gets herself pregnant and he is now living miserably with her, her two children (from two different dads) and their son. He is Fvcked!!!

My personal opinion is that women like this should have their children removed from their primary custody and placed with the husband who obviously can take better care of them. Incidentally, her oldest son refers to himself as the "meal ticket"...nice, eh?

No hard feelings Cap...
 itsallinthesoul
Joined: 9/30/2008
Msg: 121
Fear of dating single mothers
Posted: 1/16/2009 6:44:52 PM
here is another "horror story"

Man gets caught cheating by wife. Wife takes child (age 3) out of province and files for divorce. Man tries to gain access to child. Wife threatens man with accusations of sexual abuse against daughter. Man backs off...doesn't want the child to go through that and is worried that his professional reputation will be ruined just by the insinuation alone. Man pays his child support regularly every month ($500/month). Child is now an adult. Man has never seen his child since wife left him. Every card, every present has been returned to him by ex. They are stored in a spare bedroom...man waits and prays that his daughter will seek him out someday so he can show her just how much he does love her. I know this man...there is no way in h e ll he would ever touch a child that way. He is a member of a father's rights organization and is fighting for changes to the laws to protect the father's rights in situations like his. Tis all he can do.....
 Capitano_Blaugh
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 122
Fear of dating single mothers
Posted: 1/16/2009 6:53:56 PM

No hard feelings Cap...


None taken...

Here's one for you, and other women who think I've never seen the other side...

I know a woman who lives close by and with whom I've worked in the past and still do indirectly:

When I met her she'd just gotten married to some guy. Her daughter was about 13-14 at the time. As we got to know each other, relationships came up and she said she really didn't know why she'd gotten married except that it seemed like a good idea and that she felt her daughter needed a positive male in her daughter's life.

They split not too long after they got together and last time I talked with her, she was pretty pissed off that she'd had to pay him $70K, because house prices had gone up so much while they were together. They'd only lived together less than a year.

Well, that sucks, but it really is a case where equality is actually becoming equal.

I know women get the shitty end sometimes, too, and not only in a financial way....

 itsallinthesoul
Joined: 9/30/2008
Msg: 123
Fear of dating single mothers
Posted: 1/17/2009 10:35:08 AM
Well Parkerkimm, I have to say that I respect your honesty in your answer to the question of sweetness'. I agree with you that it is a preference as to whom we choose to date.

I will say that it is sad that there are some single moms out there that make it harder for other single moms but then there are alot of men out there than make it harder for other men and other women who make it harder for other women.

So much of our experience can dictate the choices we make later on...it is a reality. If you have had a bad experience with a single mom, you are more likely to exclude single moms from your dating pool...tis human nature. Once biten, twice shy and all that.

As for what the single mom's ex did, I feel for you but I also feel for her....to have to deal with someone who is obviously unbalanced. You are quite right though, you did have a choice to get out...she made her bed....you don't have to share her misery. What concerns me more though is the sense that you don't demonstrate any compassion for her situation.


Only when I run out of options, then it becomes the last resort to go LTR with a mom.


So kind of only if she was the last woman on Earth scenario eh?
 cillacm
Joined: 2/5/2008
Msg: 124
Fear of dating single mothers
Posted: 1/17/2009 2:49:21 PM
I think there are many traits a single mom has that I think any man ould love, well if shes a good mom shes fun, outgoing, time oriented , mature and passionette.
 SweetnessInFlorida
Joined: 6/26/2008
Msg: 125
Fear of dating single mothers
Posted: 1/17/2009 4:08:44 PM
Thanks for the very honest reply parkerkimm.
I respect your opinion.
I wasnt asking to try to dissuade your wants (or rather un-wants), was just truly curious.

I actually think that your standards are just fine.
There is no reason whatsoever, if you did happen to go into a LTR with a single mom, that you should have to deal with a crazy ex, constant drama, or one who cant take take care of herself financially. I myself would never get involved with someone who had major drama's with an ex, or couldnt support themselves and their children.
LOL @ wanting a MILF, thats funny, hmmmm maybe i can me a FILF? (father id like to ****,,,,,,,,tealwood comes to mind lmao)

Good for you for getting out of that relationship, nobody should deal with a jealous or nutty ex.
 SweetnessInFlorida
Joined: 6/26/2008
Msg: 126
Fear of dating single mothers
Posted: 1/17/2009 8:23:58 PM
There are going to be men who want to tap that ass as soon as they can with any demographic of women, not just single mothers. Maybe there are some that think that, meh, tyhey can think what they want.

I have never put out.

I have enjoyed mutually wanted and desired sexual encounters, but have never "put out." I have enjoyed my sexual encounters just as much as the man did, and am unashamed to say so.
 NotInnocent
Joined: 9/7/2007
Msg: 127
Fear of dating single mothers
Posted: 1/17/2009 8:50:24 PM

If the fathers are dead beats then avoid those single Momma's. They may whine about how much of a loser the father is, but he was still good enough to give it up to. Which is a direct reflection on her person.


See.. I was trying to exit out of this thread..but that right there... is a load of CRAP. How pray tell is it a direct reflection of HER person that HE walked away from the child? Was she supposed to get a chain and chain him to the child? So here come all the responses that she should have chose to procreate with a better man. Absouly correct. However you'd be suprised excatly how MUCH a man can change sometime once you've uttered "im pregnant" to them. Imagine being so in love, planning to get married after college and whoops or maybe it was inevitable, and poof he's gone, doesnt' want to give up his cigarrettes or whatever. While there are scenarios where that statment fits the bill you can't apply that to everyone. I HATE it when anyone comes on here and makes ignorant statment such as those. and if a gal has a bunch of kids by a bunch of different guys...yea.. RUN. she's trouble.. agree with that sentence.. and also agree with it's not new guys job to be fill in daddy. Unless new guy becomes step dad, then he would take on some responsibility towards the child.
 Tealwood
Joined: 12/16/2008
Msg: 128
Fear of dating single mothers
Posted: 1/19/2009 6:18:59 PM
[QUOTE]but that right there... is a load of CRAP. How pray tell is it a direct reflection of HER person that HE walked away from the child? Was she supposed to get a chain and chain him to the child? So here come all the responses that she should have chose to procreate with a better man. Absouly correct. [/QUOTE]


Birds of a feather flock together means that people who are similar to each other often spend time together.


however there are probably times when the men have changed or dropped pretenses when they find the woman pregnant.....just like the manipulating vixen who plots or calculates the actual pregnancy...

But the deadbeat losers who are not making any money....to pay cs.....to the single penniless mother...

birds of a feather....they were made for each other.


so a woman would be well advised to avoid like the plague a single man who does not or has not supported his children...and a single male would be well advised to avoid at his peril a single mother who does nothing but complain or blame her ex for why she has nothing....

Bottom line.....almost all are where they are based on choices they made....own up and stop blaming others for where you are or not are today.
 Confident247
Joined: 1/1/2009
Msg: 129
Fear of dating single mothers
Posted: 1/20/2009 12:52:42 AM
One of my best friends of more than 10 years is a single mom with one kid that can be sweet or awnry at times. Well my friend and i would get together to watch movies at her house every week and 90% of the time it would take literally 3 hours from the time i showed up for her to put the movie in. Because she maybe feeding her kid or bathing him which i understand. But the thing i didn't like was she knew that i work early in the morning so i would tell her if i come over i can't stay late so we need to pop it in a.s.a.p.. But she kept on putting on the movie every week about three hours after i showed up so i figure i might as well start going to her house later so i can actually finish my things, relax and at the sametime she can finish up to. So instead of getting there at 8:00 forsay i started showing up a 9:00 it didn't make a difference i still had to wait 3 hours for her to pop in the movie. What would get me half the time when i was waiting to watch the movie she would be doing useless paper work that could wait or that she could of done before i showed up. And the phone conversations was brutal we would be on the phone for about 30 min. every other day 10 min would be us talking and the other 20 min she would be yelling at her kid while blowing up my ear drums at the sametime. But in her case she was always late and inconsiderate to other people. I have dated women in the past with kids and have not had a single problem. It has alot to do with the individual, to be honest, some if not most single parents are funner to date to me because they don't want to hangout at the bars getting drunk like alot of single people without kids.
 NotInnocent
Joined: 9/7/2007
Msg: 130
Fear of dating single mothers
Posted: 1/20/2009 4:53:14 AM
Exactely! Tealwood said it. Stop blaiming others for your position in life or your choices! On the same token stop judging others by the actions of others! Of course it goes both way. I don't believe I implied otherwise. I certainly didn't intend to. I was directly responding to a quote from another poster. I am nothing like my childs father. Not on ioda. I don't even want to be thought of of being in the same flock as him. I know lots of other parents who are nothing like thier deadbeat. I judge them on THEM and what they do with thier life, not what their deadbeat does.
 SweetnessInFlorida
Joined: 6/26/2008
Msg: 131
Fear of dating single mothers
Posted: 1/20/2009 8:45:33 AM
Tealwood, my favorite filf, i love how you put things into perspective.


Gee, if a broke woman, gets pregnant from a broke man, then wonder why their broke and cant take care of their kid,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,


I dont mind being compared to my ex i would be very flattered he was the best.
The lovebirds of the flock.
 Tealwood
Joined: 12/16/2008
Msg: 132
Fear of dating single mothers
Posted: 1/20/2009 10:06:39 AM

well my kids are grown up now and have their own places theres nothing wrong with single mothers we can hold our own just like u men ,the diffrence is men tend to try and use us,im not saying all men just a big part of them so dont knock all single mothers


We sure do try using you....like with spousal and child support?

But supposedly based on the published US Census reports by percentage fewer custodial fathers even ask for cs. So perhaps your premise of men using woman is contrived?

And in Canada you have single mothers who collect cs from a biological father and can and do collect from a step father. Now I never...have seen a custodial father who was successful in doing that in case law that was read. There was a guy in NB who did try, but the courts rejected the argument.

Now if you want to suggest men use woman for sexual gratification...well again i might suggest the premise of using goes both ways...unless those who do engage in sex until married and then no longer seem as interested...but then...that is a perfect illustration of a user also?

So who needs to knock single mothers....all we need to do is listen to what they have to say.
 fluffymarzipan
Joined: 1/7/2009
Msg: 133
Fear of dating single mothers
Posted: 1/20/2009 11:18:18 AM
I don't think it should matter how you became a single parent, at what age, what type of relationship or lack of it you have with the father for you to be given a red flag or have a warning label stuck on you. It doesn't matter whether your child was born in a loving relationship that broke down or whether you had a child from a drunken one night stand. Everybody would like to give a child a great start in life and that includes a wonderful conception but life isn't fair and this doesn't always happen for everybody. So unless you are perfect it doesn't matter how a child was concieved what matters is how you act as a parent. People can have train wrecks in their lives and make bad decissions for a variety of reasons but should be judged on how they react not on how they acted. I think your attitude towards putting a red flag on young girls that get pregnant and don't know who the father is horrific. Things happen when you are young as this is when you learn about life and what to do and not to do. I'm not saying that it is ideal but I think life is hard enough when you are young. Imagine how difficult it would be at 19, with a child and no prospect of a father for it. Do you really think they need somebody putting a bell around their neck saying they are untouchable helps?

I'm a single mum, pregnant at 22 with no father for my son. He didn't want to know. I'm a proud woman with nothing to be ashamed of, nobody raising a child well and to the best of their ablities does.

To the original poster:

If you want to date single women, do but a hell of a lot of us are picky about who we go out of and are don't think of ourselves the bottom of the barrel. At 23 you are young enough to experience new things and try out all sorts of relationships. Take your time and get to know people. If a relationship gets serious it won't matter if she has kids or not. Just be open and honest from the start.
 Tealwood
Joined: 12/16/2008
Msg: 134
Fear of dating single mothers
Posted: 1/20/2009 12:59:10 PM

I don't think it should matter how you became a single parent, at what age, what type of relationship or lack of it you have with the father for you to be given a red flag or have a warning label stuck on you.


Warning labels should be stuck on everyone for a number of things or issues that occurred in their history.

A guy who has a record or was in jail should have a red flag! A guy who has a record of numerous jobs or little to no stability should have a red flag!

A single mother who has little to no education at 22 with no career or finacial potential to support themselves let alone a child...should have that same red flag!

A single parent who is in the 30's and still in school working on a degree or another degree...well red flag at least for me. After all I prefer those who walk beside me and contribute collectively. But I also prefer that i have good role models for my daughters and i prefer they see individuals who work and prosper on their own efforts as opposed to using someones Else's efforts to finacially be provided for.

And a single guy who is the same age....he should be very aware of the potential problems and issues in respect to dating or becoming involved with a single mother.

the bottom line is when making choices in life one should use the list illustrating the plus minus system. And the bottom line custodial start at a disadvantage compared to unattached singles....however...single and 40 without ever being married or having children?? I always wondered about?

and as a custodial I have no problem accepting the situation that to some around my age I have a little red flag since perhaps their children have reached the magical age of 18...so with pride I wear that red flag.

But then I have always preferred quality and substance.
 Scrappinbee
Joined: 9/9/2008
Msg: 135
view profile
History
Fear of dating single mothers
Posted: 1/20/2009 1:00:20 PM
look.. I don't think you should change your standards for anyone. I think you should date the kind of women you want to date. It's like everything else that you look for in a person. Sure there are great people out there that already have kids.. but if that isn't for you then it's not for you.. don't worry about it.
 _Juls_
Joined: 11/6/2008
Msg: 136
Fear of dating single mothers
Posted: 2/4/2009 5:03:20 PM
WOW!!!
Okay, this is something i would like to talk about. A little bit about me: i am almost 43, divorced, have FOUR kids. My daughter is 21 and three boys - 17, 13 and 9. It's just my opinion. If a man doesn't want to be with me because of my kids - message is crystal clear to me - He is NOT THE ONE FOR ME. It doesn't even bother me. I love my kids, all of us have different stories to tell about our lives, how and why, but i have no regrets having the kids. Now i understand why i can't really find a nice man to be with. Because most of them afraid to be involved with single moms, isn't it? Well, thats fine. But when it comes to my point of view, let me tell you this: I am NOT interested in building a relationship with a man of my age, who NEVER being married and have NO kids. Guess why? I think something is wrong here.
 Dare-To-Dream
Joined: 1/18/2009
Msg: 137
Fear of dating single mothers
Posted: 2/4/2009 6:15:23 PM
OP: The advantage of dating single mothers is that WE are less self-centered, tend to be more patient, and know the value of commitment. Not that women withiut kids are not these things, before all ya start shooting fire balls.

Bottom line is, you are yonge. Are you ready for a commitment?
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