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Show ALL Forums  > Single Parents  > Child support issue has gone through      Home login  
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 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 10
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Child support issue has gone throughPage 4 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
Thank you Sylvester. Getting the state involved was a last resort. If the economy was booming I would not be sweating it nearly as much.
Earning more at my job is not possible, finding a second one on weekends is what I am trying for.
 freetime2bme
Joined: 1/16/2006
Msg: 11
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Child support issue has gone through
Posted: 1/10/2009 12:50:35 PM
Get an injunction of protection (restraining order) if he threatens you in any way. You said he has threatend you before, what did he do? Keep a log of any threats, phone calls or what ever that might be considered harasment. You do not have to put up with that. An injunction or restraining order will be issued if you can show the court that you were threatend or harassed. Phone records can show harrasment, witnesses are nice but are not a requierment to show a threat.

You did the right thing going to the state about the none payment of child supprt. He is taking from the kids by not providing the support. You gave him plenty of time, so he messed up. The threat that he might harm himself is sad, but you can not let him use that to control you or to let him get away with not providing for his kids.

Make sure your home is secure. Keep yourself safe. A home security system is better then a gun unless you a trained and ready to use a gun. For you I would go with a home security system.

The big question is are the kids safe with him?
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 12
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Child support issue has gone through
Posted: 1/10/2009 12:56:11 PM
He yells alot but I believe he is more of a danger to himself than anyone else. I do not think he would ever harm his kids. Me? Maybe but not his kids.
 Tealwood
Joined: 12/16/2008
Msg: 13
Child support issue has gone through
Posted: 1/10/2009 1:57:52 PM
Carolann:

I used to live in Walden NY for close to 2yrs so I am very aware of the opportunities and perhaps shortcomings of what is available for single parents in the US.

As to subsidized daycare I was and for a few months eligible to use it 4 months after my separation since my youngest was 6yrs old. My requirements were of course only before and after school care.

I was lucky and to be truthfull used the poor single father scenario to get her into a subsidized spot after only 4months since my work and territory was over an hour away from home. Once the home was sold and all the bills paid off I was no longer interested in using the system. So I was paying the full cost out of my pocket...on my own....but then I was also able to have them covered longer into the evening. After all what good is daycare when you have to be there by 6pm and you are 4hrs away from home?

And yes the child allowance is in Canada a great situation for single parents as it can be as much as $250 per child I believe per month...so the next time you see a single parent complaining in Canada one should remember this little monthly cheque.....but fortunately.....I am receiving very little due to where my commission went...LOL..however......once 2009 is over....I may be back receiving a cheque.....much to my displeasure.

As to your access to your ex I give you high compliments as some mothers seem intent on blocking or eliminating any and all access. In my case I have always welcomed it...but then also realize that the children have always preferred spending time with me...so that choice is far easier for me. In fact for both I have been at times a full time custodial and for the one it has been almost 3yrs now.

As to dealing with manic depressive personality or bi-polar I can imagine it has been very challenging and difficult for you from an emotional point of view. It is already difficult be raising children alone without also having to deal with the emotional fallout or emotional baggage on the children that results from having an ex partner who suffers from these issues.

Been there and am still going through the issues as the children try to deal with the the same problems. Perhaps in my case the issue may have been PMDD?

As to poor choices on my part? Perhaps as I thought perhaps with the wrong head when I entered my relationship? I would never begrudge or turn-back the clock in respect to the situation that has blessed me with 2 wonderful and enterprising children.
But if I was to be completely honest there were red flags or warning signs that I either refused to acknowledge or thought i could live with. but they were choices i made and choices I have to accept along with the result....including having her have her dog attack me....which she also did to her bf before me.....and punch me saying any real man could take it....and wanting me to challenge her brother when he retaliated by slapping her back...

In my case; I am able to earn enough that will allow me to pay the bills and not require cs being paid. If I do legally to ask for cs I will have consequences that I am not prepared to deal with. My ex is again out of work. Once she does start working the amount she earns is not significant as she chooses to work in a field below her capabilities as it is less stressful. If she is forced to work in the higher earnings field...what might be the result? Well..since she has 2 siblings who committed sucide there might be one of the answers....or simply the fact the legal costs would never warrant the return.

Or taking the small amount that would be awarded would further reduce the existing relationship that she has with her children.

I never once suggested you were lazy. I simply asked what you were doing and how well you were employed since you so easily illustrated where your ex was.

I do have great sympathy for a large number of single parents who toil for long hours to provide for their children. i have little to no sympathy for parents who do not provide or complain about what they do not have because of the other parent.

In a perfect world we would all still be married and happy. LOL...now i might suggest I have the perfect world today....

The reality is sometimes the requirement I hear from custodial is not that they need the money but that they are obsessed with making the ex partner pay money even when they illustrate the reality that they are unable to work full time at a job. If you had suggested you were struggling and your ex was working and earning a good income I doubt I would have asked the questions I did.
 chieftan81
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 14
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Child support issue has gone through
Posted: 1/10/2009 6:29:06 PM

There comes a time when you focus more on your own responsibilities and forego trying to find someone else to take care of them for you.


No, dude, women feel ENTITLED to that money. lol Not just that, but do they feel like they need to spend it on the child? Not according to some single moms I know. That's right, not only do they feel entitled to the money (sorry girls, you're not entitled to SHIT), but they also feel ZERO GUILT in spending some of the money on themselves.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 15
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Child support issue has gone through
Posted: 1/10/2009 6:50:29 PM
This is not nor will ever be a gender issue. It is responsible adult vs the other kind. There are just as many women as men out there that do not deserve the title of parent. Whether it is using drugs, caring only about yourself, racking up too much debt or changing jobs every 4 months to avoid your wages getting garnished.
"Till death do you part" is only said in certain Christian religious wedding ceremonies. I, as well as many others do not follow that doctrine or had it said when we were married.
 chieftan81
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 16
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Child support issue has gone through
Posted: 1/10/2009 6:55:29 PM

Till death do you part" is only said in certain Christian religious wedding ceremonies. I, as well as many others do not follow that doctrine


You shouldn't have kids with someone that you wouldn't want in your life "til death."

Not saying that you have to stay in a relationship with them, but if you're with someone that you couldn't imagine being in their life forever, you might not want to have kids with that person.
 chieftan81
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 17
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Child support issue has gone through
Posted: 1/11/2009 5:43:35 PM

You cannot withhold access if support is not paid.


And that's the way it should be. Damn. The MOST important thing in those childrens lives are ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS the time they spend with the non-custodial parent (assuming, of course, that the non-custodial parent is sane and fit to be around the child).

Using child support as a form of control over getting child support paid is among one of the sickest and most disgusting things I've ever heard in my life.

But you are right, I HATE family law. I hate a law system that demands money just be forked over to the other parent with no stipulations on how it is spent on the children (nor do they CARE if it's spent on the children). I hate a law system that defaults to every other weekend when agreement cannot be reached rather than noticing that joint custody is the best option for the children. I hate a law system that defaults that the woman is always the custodial parent unless she is proven unfit (which is almost impossible) and doesn't take the time to actually make a judgement call on who the BEST parent would be for the child (not just forking them over to one gender as long as they aren't complete wastes of flesh).

What most people don't understand is that those of us who pay child support do not begrudge the children the money at all. In fact, if it goes where it's supposed to, I feel better knowing they have that money. But those of us who pay child support understand that there is literally NO stipulations on how the money is spent. It's money handed over to the other parent with no real regulation as to whether it actually gets spent on the children.

And as such, those of us who pay support, **** about it every chance we get because of this. Not only that, but I'd wager that some people don't pay it for this reason. I'd bet if there were stricter guidelines on how the money was spent, there'd be more people paying it.
 chieftan81
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 18
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Child support issue has gone through
Posted: 1/11/2009 5:59:32 PM

though i think that live fathers paying support have the right to see where the money goes, not just the dead fathers.


Not sure what you meant by the dead fathers part...

My personal thought on how child support is handled should be as such:

A portion of the money never even reaches the custodial parents hands, but rather is forwarded directly to things such as rent, electric, utilities, etc.

Another portion of the money still doesn't reach the custodial parents hands, but is rather moved to an account in the children's names for when they turn 18, then they can use the money for college or a downpayment on a house or whatever they want to.

The rest of the money is put on a card, and that card can be used to buy food, diapers, clothes, school supplies, etc. All money spent from the card must have a receipt as to where it went and must be sent to the child support office on a monthly basis to be put in a file where the non-custodial parent can have access to it if he so desires.

I can't think of a more fair, more useful use of the money. In this scenario, not only does the kid(s) see immediate benefits, but they also have future benefits, and the custodial parent gets a little break on their rent/utilities.
 chieftan81
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 19
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Child support issue has gone through
Posted: 1/11/2009 8:45:52 PM

Chieftan - I hope you realize that you sound like a total control freak, right? You don't have a right to control the finances of your ex, even though you might want to.


If you say so, lol.

I could care less what she does with HER money. But I"m not talking about her money, I'm talking about the money that I am giving her that is supposed to go to the benefit of our children.

I don't much like the idea that my ex can take child support money and blow it at a bar if she wants to, but I know it happens. Let her use HER money for that. Not the mutual fund that is designed to be a support for our children.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 20
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Child support issue has gone through
Posted: 1/11/2009 8:54:10 PM
Most of the singe Moms I know rarely leave the house. Too busy supporting their kids ti play.
 chieftan81
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 21
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Child support issue has gone through
Posted: 1/11/2009 9:03:13 PM

see I can kind of see the whole money going towards rent or mortgage, utlities, groceries, clothes, etc. I wouldn't have an issue with that in the least. Unfortunately, givng my ex that modum of control would mean the discussions would then become that I bought the more expensive tomatoe sauce rather than the other cheaper generic one. Or that I bought our son sneakers too often or I bought the more expensive brand of diapers..


I'm not saying that the NCP should have a say in things like that.

My "plan" is pretty much set in place by the child support office.

A portion of the money goes to the rent, utilities, etc. <<--No say from either party on that one

A portion of the money goes to an account for the children to have future access to it <<---no say from either party on that one either

The rest of the money goes to a card, where the ONLY accountability is that the custodial parent spent the money on things that the children NEED (like clothes, food, diapers, etc.) or that benefit the children in some way (toys, dancing classes, etc.). <<--the custodial parent has FULL control over how to spend this money, but it's LIMITED to ONLY be used on things that she has to prove were spent on the child. So it doesn't matter if she bought the most expensive spaghetti sauce, because if she's making dinner, it's likely that the kids are eating it. It only matters that the money is being spent on things that the kids get some benefit out of, and not things like a trip to the bar for the custodial parent, drugs, or any of the other shit that the kids don't get any benefit from.

How anybody can argue with that, is beyond me, unless, of course, we've got custodial parents abusing the child support they receive. IF the custodial parents want money to spend on themselves, they should be seeking ALIMONY. PERIOD. No ifs, ands, or buts.
 Tealwood
Joined: 12/16/2008
Msg: 22
Child support issue has gone through
Posted: 1/27/2009 6:06:12 AM

Regardless, daddies...the law is fair. You pay a percentage of what you make.
And....most single parents are out there struggling. A place with 2-3 bedrooms for rent is prohibitively expensive. Then you add the utilities and the food. Then the extra-curricular activities...and on..and on...Who has time and the money to go out a blow it on nightclubs?
Just whiney fathers who want to treat child-support like welfare. Who feel they deserve to have a swinging lifetyle.
.Aren't your kids worth it?


I have no problems with the idea I should be working and supporting my children...which in fact I do.

I just have a problem with laws or rules where one is expected to work and work full time while the other party is able to sit back and not work and legally this is acceptable.

And as to extra-curricular activities....pray tell where is that suggested that it is essential that they are able to be involved. I know married couples who have children in sports who have had to explain to their children they could not continue because they could not afford what was required to be in the sports.

Your probably just pissed that you did not hit the bank accounts first....but then...it is also a mute point as it is all accounted for under division of assets that is part of the legal process. And any functioning working adult who is finacially contributing will be able to survive until the dust settles.

Why should a parent who works and works hard to provide be forced to subsidize his/her lifestyle to support an ex partner who is unable or unwilling to work themselves or work in an occupation where they will earn decent income.

Whiney Dads who complain about cs..and whiney mothers who complain because of their inadequacies in providing for themselves and their children on the other side.
 english lass
Joined: 11/14/2007
Msg: 23
Child support issue has gone through
Posted: 1/27/2009 6:17:00 AM
if you are truly scared for your physical safety, then contact the police and let them know

maybe get a restraining order if you can

if you are scared for his physical safety, then notify the people who will be handling the support collections... maybe wait until he's more stable to pursue collecting, in case it pushes him over the edge

good luck
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 24
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Child support issue has gone through
Posted: 1/27/2009 6:17:14 AM
I see some terribly false logic. If you have 2 kids living with you they eat up most of anyones budget. $600 is too much money to support two kids bills for the month? Can you survive on that?
With that they will have to rent 2/3 of an apartment, get themselves food, lunch money, field trips, clothing and transportation, pay 2/3 of the utility bills and provide themselves with 2/3 of the health insurance and dental care. And if they want to play baseball or take ballet lessons it has to come out of that too.
What most NCP do not take into consideration that by sharing or joint custody then you would also need a 3 bedrooms as opposed to a 1 bedroom apartment. Your bills would go up having two roomates.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 25
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Child support issue has gone through
Posted: 1/27/2009 10:11:56 AM
Angry much or just a pot stiring troll?

My Ex has been on anti-anxiety meds, lithium, paxil, wellbutrin and through a slew of doctors. His mental state or diagnosis is not something I made up.
He did not pursue custody and never has.
This is not a man issue this is a bad Ex issue. You are the one being gender specific.
His degrees were obtained during the marriage and give him a far higher earning potential than mine do. We both paid his student loans. A Director of Engineering at a 200 man company does not make $10 an hour. All I ask is he pay the share the courts ordered. Moving assets into his Mother's name do not show signs of him being all that mentally ill. Just when it is convenient.
Crush his life? Oh please we are all in control of our own lives, I just want him to help pay for the kids groceries and sneakers once in a while.
But I am still afraid that he will hurt himself but I cannot help him in that department. I spent 20 years trying to help him.
 Tealwood
Joined: 12/16/2008
Msg: 26
Child support issue has gone through
Posted: 1/27/2009 10:27:43 AM

My Ex has been on anti-anxiety meds, lithium, paxil, wellbutrin and through a slew of doctors. His mental state or diagnosis is not something I made up.
He did not pursue custody and never has.
This is not a man issue this is a bad Ex issue. You are the one being gender specific.
His degrees were obtained during the marriage and give him a far higher earning potential than mine do. We both paid his student loans. A Director of Engineering at a 200 man company does not make $10 an hour. All I ask is he pay the share the courts ordered. Moving assets into his Mother's name do not show signs of him being all that mentally ill. Just when it is convenient.


A employee who is on the medications that you suggest is also not going to acquire and or more importantly hold on to a job like a Director of Engineering.

If you are or have based your child support award based on this pie in the ski belief on what he should be earning then you are yourself creating an impossible target for him to achieve. So you are crying poor and crying what he could be earning...if he was healthy and fully functioning???which you have already clearly established he is not?

So how is it you appear to be suggesting that he is capable of doing and earning a level of income?
yet in the same breath..in the same Paragraph it seems you clearly establish that he is not mentally capable of holding down a job?

I mean...he is fully capable and fully functional..or he is challenged or restricted in his abilty to function and provide for both himself and his children? Based on what you have said i see he is not nor will he ever be able to provide for his children at a level you feel is appropriate based on his education. and to expect it or demand it ultimately will mean if he does something to himself down the road you are partially responsible and simply leaving it at the feet of the courts is chicken droppings.

My own view is my ex has issues and feels that as a woman she is above considerations in respect to finacially providing for the children. And at the same time there are issues that have caused her and her immediate family some tremendous problems.

So I do myself what is required.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 27
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Child support issue has gone through
Posted: 1/27/2009 6:31:06 PM
His child support is based on W2's during the marriage as is most. The courts don't pull the amounts out of the air. He is an Engineer with a ME and he has the ability to work or consult and contribute to his children's upbringing. He is under employed and living away from them be choice.
What a person was like at 24 is not necessarily who they are at 50. Whatever signs there may have been were not that apparent the first 10 years of the marriage, he was gainfully employed during that entire time as was I. I have always worked full time and I am supporting the household to the best of my ability and he does not contribute at this time. It is not fair to his children or legal. I'm going to let the state take care of the problem.
I'm done defending myself to those with chips on their shoulders or fake profiles with nothing better to do.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 28
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Child support issue has gone through
Posted: 1/28/2009 5:16:18 PM
Daisypetal, I tried to email you a word of thanks and support but your filters would not let me.
 Tealwood
Joined: 12/16/2008
Msg: 29
Child support issue has gone through
Posted: 1/28/2009 6:32:22 PM
Byrdes of on kynde and color flok and flye allwayes together
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