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 valenciacityx
Joined: 3/10/2009
Msg: 60
Why is there no faith in bars/clubs?Page 2 of 10    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10)
Most play I have ever got when I went to the clubs was when I was wearing a ring on my left hand. I have never been married. I am not getting married. Its a prop, like a watch; but it is absolutely amazing what it does to the vibe around you at the club.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 61
Why is there no faith in bars/clubs?
Posted: 1/14/2010 8:18:23 AM
^^^Don't mistake women talking to you because they feel safe from being hit on for women actually being interested. A lot of men assume that women want them because they're taken, when the truth is that women tend to drop their guard and bring down the wall they usually put up when they think someone won't harass them for a date.

Of course, women think they won't be misunderstood as interested by a man who's taken and isn't looking - and ironically what a lot of men do exactly is take that as interest.

Granted there are a couple strange women who seek out married men, but it ain't for companionship, and it's not for who they are so much as what they can provide. They are usually commitment phobes, married also, or otherwise looking for a less than serious situation.
 *army mom*
Joined: 6/9/2009
Msg: 64
Why is there no faith in bars/clubs?
Posted: 1/14/2010 11:06:18 AM
I met two of my husbands in bars. And they were both long-term relationships.

I've been doing this on and off for about 4 years and I'm still single.

I believe I'd rather try my luck at the bars ...
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 65
Why is there no faith in bars/clubs?
Posted: 1/14/2010 12:42:09 PM

WomaninProgress- I agree with you about guys thinking if a girl is talking to them in a bar that they automatically are interested.

That's good. It's usually pretty much true - whether the guy's interested or not, whether he's attractive or not. I've seen a good looking guy think a woman who asked where the bathroom was a pick up line. I guess her going to the bathroom and never coming back wasn't enough to convince him. Men, ya gotta love em.

The key to doing well in the bar scene is to read body language fast and accurately. Guys are terrible at this and they'll hang around a girl and not pay attention whatsoever to her body language. They'll****block all the guys in there from her all night.

The key to doing well ANYWHERE is to have no expectations of meeting anyone and go somewhere to enjoy the place. Strike up conversations with everyone (if you want to that is, some are fine not socializing and just watching the crowd) and from there be open to but don't expect a specific outcome. And yes, (accurate) reading of body language is important in just about every situation.

Part of its the woman's fault in that once she realizes he's not reading her body language, often times she'll still talk to him...instead of saying at some point "thanks, but i'm not interested in you- please go away"

That's because most women are social and don't care to have to analyze what a conversation means - unless the guy is direct. I think a lot of guys hang in that comfort zone of talking but remaining indirect to keep the conversation going, instead of reading the body language for lack of interest and either ending the conversation or at least knowing there's no romantic direction it's going to go in.

Women are usually pretty refreshed to find a guy that's not going in for the kill, and some will entertain a conversation if it seems to be without agenda.

It is one of the immutable laws of the universe that everyone has to be somewhere. Most of these guys have no particular plans for the evening, and since there is sort of a general social pressure for single guys to get out and around, so, when one of their buddies says "Hey, I hear that there are a lot of women every weekend down at Moe's Disco", they allow themselves to be persuaded to go to Moe's.

This is the first mistake. Going anywhere with the intention of finding women. Well, not finding women because they're not endangered. I guess finding women near a bar on a dance floor is more accurate.

Once they are in the door and have paid the cover, the tendency is for them to stay for at least a couple of(overpriced) drinks, and just see what happens, if anything.

Mistake number two - going hoping for an outcome different than last night/week instead of checking the place itself out as a primary goal (or not go at all if they don't like clubs or bars).

Now, unlike some other posters, I think these guys are entirely able to correctly interpret the body language of the women in Moe's: they realize at some level that most of these women don't really want to be approached, so they, the men, don't bother to waste the effort trying. But, having paid the cover, and having no other plans, they will stay for at least a while, even if the too-loud excuse for music sucks.

Some women don't want to be approached, true. Some don't care so long as it's not in crosshairs. A few do go out looking for men, which is also pretty pointless, but some get into patterns and for some reason find comfort in them.

When it comes to body language, based on friends, exes, coworkers, classmates and general conversation with men I find that a lot of guys tend to be overly positive (reading general friendliness, smiling or good reception as interest) or overly negative (taking all signs no matter how positive as not interested). Personally I think the ones who read it most accurately are the ones who aren't focusing on women as the goal for being somewhere.

As these guys get older, their visits to Moe's will get less frequent, and their stays will be shorter, but there will always be plenty of younger guys to replace them.

That's definitely true enough.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 66
Why is there no faith in bars/clubs?
Posted: 1/14/2010 12:47:02 PM

As these guys get older, their visits to Moe's will get less frequent, and their stays will be shorter, but there will always be plenty of younger guys to replace them.

Hmmm. My experience must be different. Where I lived most of my life (geographically speaking), has proven to me that those who spend time in bars often live in a bar later in life. They go when they are off work, when they watch sports, when they are happy, when they are mad, when they are alone or with someone. Basically ~ they just go to the bar. No thanks. Meet someone in a bar, lose them in a bar. (I can think of many other places to meet someone and I'd much rather meet someone who can find many other places to meet, spend their time.) JMO
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 68
Why is there no faith in bars/clubs?
Posted: 1/14/2010 2:35:11 PM
I agree. There are particular TYPES of bars in which will be crowded with "looking-to-hookup" type folks... but the people who put that out there don't go to bars much, and are locked into that sub-culture that bars are bad (and thus, it will be to them when they do go there).

Many bars have the same type of people who may be online, out on the street, or amongst friends. Personally, I think for some people, they like to put a hex on the bars in terms of meeting people because they're shy and/or jealous, since they'll find better looking or more open people than they are there.
 scorpiomover
Joined: 4/19/2007
Msg: 76
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Why is there no faith in bars/clubs?
Posted: 1/15/2010 5:48:17 AM
RE Msg: 84 by EmotionallyDetached:
I have heard of people meeting other people while visiting family in the "Country Club" (prison).
Don't knock it. A lot of women write to males in prison, and want to marry them. It boggles me, as it does lots of people. But it does happen, a lot.
 Nathan_x
Joined: 11/23/2008
Msg: 79
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Why is there no faith in bars/clubs?
Posted: 1/16/2010 6:06:01 PM
Well, bars and clubs aren't a terrible place to meet people, but it's not the best place either. I'm not a big fan of it... and I'll give you my reasons. The people who frequent bars and clubs tend not to be people I'd like to spend a lot of time with. Most of them. They tend to have a party sort of lifestyle. Everybody? Of course not, but a lot of them. You said they're the same as the average person and I don't agree with that. Many definitely are, but as a cross section of people you'll definitely find more partiers, drinkers, and promiscuity.

Once you're done school bars and clubs are about the only place to meet someone. Unless you work somewhere with a lot of different people. So it has it's place. But ideally, I think meeting someone at college, for example, is a much better setting than bars/clubs.

Because of the cross-section of people... but that's my opinion.
 EvilLolli
Joined: 12/7/2008
Msg: 84
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Why is there no faith in bars/clubs?
Posted: 1/17/2010 9:40:55 PM
I always find it funny that people talk about how it's wrong to meet people in bars for two reasons.
1. They are probably speaking from experience so they have picked up/been picked up in a bar more than once.
And 2. They themselves are in a bar that singles congregate at.

As for subpar people being in a bar, what does that make the speaker of that statement if they go to the bars?

Gosh I love irony.
 forum101
Joined: 2/5/2008
Msg: 86
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Why is there no faith in bars/clubs?
Posted: 1/18/2010 12:20:01 AM
True experience. Shortly after my divorce(15 years ago) I ventured into a bar. Met a guy, exchanged numbers. On a Sunday afternoon he came to my house. A surprise visit, my 2 small children are in the house. He is sitting in his truck on a Sunday, about 1 p.m. in my driveway. I go out, not really sure who it is at first, and he has part of a 12 pk left and offers me one. All I can think is, "what the hell was I thinking? I DID meet him in a bar, afterall"
If you meet someone in a bar, You have only met someone that likes to go to bars.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 88
Why is there no faith in bars/clubs?
Posted: 1/18/2010 12:18:48 PM

Out of 100% of the men in a club, let's say about 15% do all the approaching - since those men tend to be well versed, good at it and able to talk to most of the women, and the men that don't approach won't get noticed by comparison, women assume that the ones approaching are all there are. A lot of women don't approach, so that's technically all the male interaction they get (outside staff like bartenders, bouncers, etc.). It's just perception.

Very well put, WIP! First, "bars" has a guilt factor already associated with it, as if they're all the same too (which they're not). So therefore, when a lady goes to the bar, she is going to get that 10-15% of guys who approach girls coming up to them. The other guys are shy or mildly shy, their luck "doesnt work out", and a girl isn't going to be approached by them. Add to that, a woman doesn't usually approach men but expects men to approach her, and she's just going to get that 10-15%.

I equate it to some uptight gals who've complained about coming on here. They get emails from crazies who carpet-bomb every new chick walking in with a "hey, you're hot" or "hey, want to do it?" and they think all the guys are like THAT, which would not be accurate, even for guys who are d-bags in a different way. Bottom line is, false perception due to being uptight.

Forum101,

If you meet someone in a bar, You have only met someone that likes to go to bars.

Then that means YOU like going to the bar if he met you there! :) And there's nothing wrong with liking to go to a bar... and additionally bars are different, too.

Basically, if you want to avoid the "standard bar guys", make yourself available to the non-standard "bar guys" at the bar. It's that simple.
 TedJMill
Joined: 7/6/2005
Msg: 93
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Why is there no faith in bars/clubs?
Posted: 1/19/2010 5:34:12 PM
I don't drink and don't like going to bars and clubs, so anyone I meet there is likely not compatible with me.
 Vannili
Joined: 7/8/2008
Msg: 97
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Why is there no faith in bars/clubs?
Posted: 1/22/2010 9:27:03 AM

Why is there no faith in bars/clubs?


When I am drunk I am faithless, and
So I go now in church to restore my faith in praying.....
Vannili
 kpooks
Joined: 12/23/2008
Msg: 98
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Why is there no faith in bars/clubs?
Posted: 1/22/2010 11:18:22 AM
"Faith": Hmmm...I think faith placed in any person who frequents those establishments is misplaced.

People generally go to bars/clubs to laugh their ass off, drink, dance, look sexy and look at other people they find sexy, NOT to begin a "quality" relationship! It's pure fantasy, pure escapism and pure excitment/entertainment.

I (still) like going to bars and clubs, not very often but occasionally, just to have a good time and laugh at the "kids" half my age (leaning toward forty-something establishments at this time), but have no delusions about forging a relationship there. First of all, the music's so damn loud you can't hear yourself think, much less anyone else speak (which is sorta the point...turn the brain off and admire the eye candy), and the place reeks of excitement junkies who just want their thrills. Why WOULD anyone look at anyone in a bar or club as serious relationship material, unless you happen to venture outside, they say "this isn't really my scene; I'm just here for my friend" and you get into some deep conversation?
 Strings6
Joined: 7/14/2007
Msg: 100
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Why is there no faith in bars/clubs?
Posted: 1/23/2010 3:21:42 AM
Internet dating is no better than bars and clubs,people are people for better or worse no matter what the method,mediun or location is.
 RobertKoi
Joined: 11/9/2008
Msg: 102
Why is there no faith in bars/clubs?
Posted: 1/23/2010 9:36:00 AM
I'm not into clubs and stuff personally, but my opinion of it is that 95% go there to get fuc.ked, or to find an opportunity at least. If not that then definitely to get attention and to be acknowledged by strangers who know absolutely nothing about them. The real reason is then covered with excuses such as "I love dancing" or "I'm just there to be social," or whatever. As for online dating, there's not that much difference really. You just get to choose between two "diseases".
 forum101
Joined: 2/5/2008
Msg: 103
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Why is there no faith in bars/clubs?
Posted: 1/23/2010 2:58:12 PM
per Batman:::::
If you meet someone in a bar, You have only met someone that likes to go to bars


Ok lets get something straight here.

Unless he is CIA, which I doubt, I see a BIG chunk missing here.

-Gave out number
-...
-....
- He came to your house

If you are stupid enough to actually give out your address to a stranger right away then you're asking for it.

It isn't the bar scene that was stupid here. '''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''

we're talking 15 years ago. My phone number was listed. He got the address from the phone company.
 forum101
Joined: 2/5/2008
Msg: 104
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Why is there no faith in bars/clubs?
Posted: 1/23/2010 3:02:03 PM
Confident:"""""Then that means YOU like going to the bar if he met you there! :) And there's nothing wrong with liking to go to a bar... and additionally bars are different, too."""""
Actually NO, I do not go to bars. I was just coming out of a divorce and learned my lesson the first time.
If your in a bar, how do you distinquish between a bar guy or a non bar guy? Wouldnt they all be bar guys?
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 108
Why is there no faith in bars/clubs?
Posted: 1/25/2010 5:21:19 PM
forum101,

Actually NO, I do not go to bars. I was just coming out of a divorce and learned my lesson the first time.

But you were AT the bar! Your point was, if you meet someone at the bar, that automatically means you like going to bars. Not necessarily -- as you were one of many examples where people WILL go out to a bar, even though it's not their forte.

Point being, don't stereotype, even though there isn't anything necessarily wrong with liking to go out to "the bar". It's the extremely uptight, sad folks who group them all together and label them as bad. :)
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 111
Why is there no faith in bars/clubs?
Posted: 3/15/2010 1:03:30 PM

Why take the chance, when you can meet someone here in the real world?

Here? POF? A website? It's the real world?? ;)
 TheManOfTheHouse
Joined: 5/10/2008
Msg: 113
Why is there no faith in bars/clubs?
Posted: 3/15/2010 11:59:37 PM
Bar are pretty bad so few people go there. It a numbers problem that cannot be fixed. Churches don't have this problem but there are other very intractable problems make it essentially a waste of time. Online, the free lotto ticket, you have better odds of getting hit by lightning. Clubs are better. At least you have a chance there. In another country this all could be quite different so it depends on where you are.
 AintNoDeal
Joined: 2/3/2010
Msg: 115
Why is there no faith in bars/clubs?
Posted: 3/16/2010 8:31:33 PM
OP, the reason is simple. People blame the environment instead of looking at themselves and how they behave.

It's the very same when people ask "Where do you find the good men/women?" like there's some magical park that only attracts the best people and it's a secret.

You find good people by BEING GOOD and knowing what you want.

Some people are amazed that people who dress well shop at the same stores everyone else does. They simply know how to assemble the pieces into a great ensemble.
 E_Squared817
Joined: 11/8/2009
Msg: 118
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Why is there no faith in bars/clubs?
Posted: 4/7/2010 6:24:29 PM
I am more reluctant to go to bars or clubs, period, let alone to go out and meet people. First of all, how is it possible to strike a convo with someone with the music blasting? Plus, a lot of the women who go to those places aren't really my type or maybe those places aren't my type of places that I'd like to go to.
 RobertKoi
Joined: 11/9/2008
Msg: 119
Why is there no faith in bars/clubs?
Posted: 4/7/2010 6:48:00 PM
All I can say is that I have no faith in such places at all. I also think that they mess up relationships, too. It's the same old story... Two people are either together or on the way there, when one of them decides to go out. Nothing might happen the first time, maybe not the second, third or even tenth, but the more you keep hanging out there eventually it will. Why? Well, ask yourself WHY you're there in the first place; knowing that you'll be "exposing" yourself to that crap.

It's a relationship killer no doubt. You're asking for trouble. Getting that phone number from a sleazebag or chick who's been like a tail the whole night is so easy and before you know it you're cheating. Yeah, you went there for a drink with a few friends and ended up getting more than that...

If in a relationship it means so much to someone to go out and get drunk, flirt and dance now and then, it depends on how often it happens. I'd say that twice a month for me is too much. Once a month? Maybe... Again, I have no faith whatsoever in bars, clubs, etc., and I see no reason either to jeopardize something good for something bad.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 121
Why is there no faith in bars/clubs?
Posted: 4/7/2010 8:27:04 PM
All I can say is that I have no faith in such places at all. I also think that they mess up relationships, too. It's the same old story... Two people are either together or on the way there, when one of them decides to go out. Nothing might happen the first time, maybe not the second, third or even tenth, but the more you keep hanging out there eventually it will. Why? Well, ask yourself WHY you're there in the first place; knowing that you'll be "exposing" yourself to that crap.

Bars/clubs don't mess up relationships any more than guns kill people. There are people who don't like the noise or atmosphere. There are others who like it but aren't affected by it. There are people who are prone or drawn to bars BECAUSE they have liquor or are easier places to cheat - trust me those same people would cheat anyway - bars and clubs just give them more to choose from and they do it quicker. It's totally the disposition of the person themselves, not the place they're in.

It's a relationship killer no doubt. You're asking for trouble. Getting that phone number from a sleazebag or chick who's been like a tail the whole night is so easy and before you know it you're cheating. Yeah, you went there for a drink with a few friends and ended up getting more than that...

IMO a person who innocently goes out and ends up cheating was already sort of on the road to it, and would have done it at Wal Mart under the right circumstances. Being in clubs and bars for over 25 years, I've seen people cheat but those people had a history of it, were unhappy, or were looking to do so and just found a great atmosphere to carry it out. I've also seen people in relationships where they were happy and had no interest in anything that they were offered because they were just that into the person they were with. Strangely enough, those people tended to love the person they dated being there with them while they were working, and that person was usually pretty cool about the scene and didn't pull fits of jealousy.

If in a relationship it means so much to someone to go out and get drunk, flirt and dance now and then, it depends on how often it happens. I'd say that twice a month for me is too much. Once a month? Maybe... Again, I have no faith whatsoever in bars, clubs, etc., and I see no reason either to jeopardize something good for something bad.

If you are dating a person who wants to be out instead of with you most of the time (not once or twice a month, IMO that's not that often) and that's what they do when out and about - it's about you both and your relationship in the first place, not the place they're going. The going out (especially with a lot of overt sexual flirtation) is usually a symptom, not a cause.
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