Notice: Forums will be shutdown by June 2019

To focus on better serving our members, we've decided to shut down the POF forums.

While regular posting is now disabled, you can continue to view all threads until the end of June 2019. Event Hosts can still create and promote events while we work on a new and improved event creation service for you.

Thank you!

Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  >      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 159
Why is there no faith in bars/clubs?Page 4 of 10    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10)
Robert,

Have you personally made a complete survey of all bars over the world or even in your home town?

I don't have to hit them all up. If I run into several that are not like that, that's enough to dispose of bars in general, sorry. I know your post didn't say everyone who's there -- but saying that the atmosphere being so full of them, which again, I disagree. There are bars on busy nights that can definitely be like that, sure. There are bars that have no different of an atmosphere than walking into Applebees at 8PM (and they too have a bar, but I won't even count restaurant bars).

However, for a woman, what is there to talk about with a strange, single guy coming over to her table, and no, he's not interested in discussing the weather.

The same stuff to talk about when a strange, single guy emails her on here. :)

Knowing that her boyfriend/husband is at home it makes absolutely no sense whatsoever to put herself in that situation.

Yeah, a decent amount of gals are taken at the bar, of course. It's not a speed-dating site. You can find that out approaching a woman at the bookstore or grocery store. But not every woman's taken who goes out to the bar, just as not every woman's up to meeting new guys when at the bar.

I also have no reason to respect people who choose that lifestyle either, do I?

If the lifestyle you mean is to go out to bars when taken and flirt with other people, no, you shouldn't.

But there are bars where people don't exactly go to find someone new, and single people looking for action chuckle about actually going to.

I wouldn't want to date a gal who wanted to leave and go out clubbing twice a week with her single lady friends, and that being a staple of the time she spends -- sure.

But that's a far cry from someone who likes to go out to a bar like BW3, or any variety of a low-key bar to have a drink with their SO or friend, when other things aren't going on... and yes, even (gasp) the occasional club once in a while. There is something about trust. But I agree -- someone who lives & dies by hanging out with their single friends in environments full of single dudes -- yeah, not my style either.
 RobertKoi
Joined: 11/9/2008
Msg: 164
Why is there no faith in bars/clubs?
Posted: 5/11/2010 7:47:08 AM
"I might have said this already but here goes.....
i dont automatically write off guys in bars!!

I met TWO of my most serious and long term loves in bars!
I went out with each of them for 3 years and lived with each of them.
I was engaged to one of them.
and the other one was the ohhhh soooooo sweet love of my life who Ill never forget.

and trust me.....im not easy to please.
Im picky.
not just any ol bar fly will do.
these were two fantastic men with great personalities, super character, mature, responsible, respectable and respectful, trustworthy, sweet, generous, and I took them home to meet mom and for many holidays.

they were "keeper-material" but I cant keep em all!!!
dang it."
----------------------
What a sweet story. It brought tears to my eyes - NOT! The only "problem" in the story was you. Since you did go to a bar for whatever reason, met those two guys and neither the first or the second "relationship" lasted. Heck, you were even engaged to one of them. Then you call yourself picky and even bother to mention their fantastic characters, etc. The story only proves how much the "bar scene" stinks. In my opinion, and without even knowing them, YOU are the reason why bars, etc., should be avoided. You're ONS material and I'll bet that that was the reason why you went out and probably still do.
 Discerning Virtuosa
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 168
Why is there no faith in bars/clubs?
Posted: 5/12/2010 2:26:41 PM
Ok, so at 47 I'm supposed to go out and drop a load of cash on a slutty wardrobe, stillettos, get done working at home at 9pm, put on my evening face and get dressed up in uncomfortable clothes and shoes, drive 30 minutes into town, look for and/or pay for parking, pay a cover charge to get in after waiting in line, possibly not find a place to sit, get bumped around by drunks and getting my toes stepped on, try to get a bartender's attention for 20 minutes to finally get something to drink, and then finally find a seat when I'm ready to pass out being in a hot crowded place, realizing the majority of everyone there is half my age, sitting there bored out of my mind realizing I could be at home with my feet up in nice comfortable slippers and watching some TIVO, driving home realizing I feel more lonely thrust into a crowd of people, and wondering what was I thinking? ............and then do that all over again once or twice a week? No Thanks...........
 1234deleted1234
Joined: 10/8/2009
Msg: 169
Why is there no faith in bars/clubs?
Posted: 5/12/2010 2:45:22 PM
I don't see why people insist on making broad generalizations into absolutes!!!

Why is there no faith in bars? HHHmmmmmm....only you and others who have no faith in bars can answer this....other people might still have faith in bars.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 171
Why is there no faith in bars/clubs?
Posted: 5/13/2010 10:36:18 AM

Ok, so at 47 I'm supposed to go out and drop a load of cash on a slutty wardrobe, stillettos, get done working at home at 9pm, put on my evening face and get dressed up in uncomfortable clothes and shoes, drive 30 minutes into town, look for and/or pay for parking, pay a cover charge to get in after waiting in line, possibly not find a place to sit, get bumped around by drunks and getting my toes stepped on, try to get a bartender's attention for 20 minutes to finally get something to drink, and then finally find a seat when I'm ready to pass out being in a hot crowded place

This is the common 'reason' people throw out why they hate "bars/clubs", which I find invalid. I could see it as an understandable viewpoint from an 18 year old or something, but once you get thru the college years, you KNOW that bars/clubs are not like that. Yes, the stereotypical "club" in the movies is like that, where the bad guy or the good guy frequents -- but that's just a club -- a particular club on a busy night -- with particular guidelines that particular clubs follow.

Bars vary greatly -- most aren't too crowded, some are always quiet and resemble coffee houses, some have younger crowds, some have older crowds... some have hippie crowds, some have upscale crowds, some have music-fan crowds, many have mixed crowds... some have a small dance floor that opens up on particular nights to liven things up, some never will, and some focus purely on that.

Most you don't have to get all dressed up for, wait in line to get in, pay a cover, or have the experience of being hot and crowded elbow to elbow. There are a variety of bars that have the opposite of that feel.

IMO, the real reasons why:
a) Their course of action reaching and thru young adulthood was to avoid the bars, given a bad taste in their mouth about them, and the ones they've gone to when they have were like the ones described in the quote for the most part... or also ones that were pretty much dead. Didn't exactly change their mind. They got their own thing going on, and they would get annoyed when friends or friends of friends want them to go out to "the bar" (if/when that comes up). They just have a bad taste in their mouth about it, as society certainly likes to classify it as all-the-same, and that's how they take it.

b) Some don't like to be around people better looking than them. The bars they've gone to, no "club" atmosphere required, have better looking people. They feel like they have to get dressed up to compete for attention and at the same time, see more buff guys with cute gals around them laughing, or cuter gals around good looking guys getting a lot of attention. Thus, "bars" give them a bad taste in their mouth.

c) Social anxiety -- the folks who HONESTLY don't like crowds or the POTENTIAL of crowds, even if it's not even close to elbow-to-elbow at all. They don't like to hang out in known coffee houses or go to social events where there's beer, wine, and mingling. Maybe not a fan of going to a game even if a sports fan. Then it has nothing really to do with bars per se, but really about environments with strangers bouncing around.
 Discerning Virtuosa
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 172
Why is there no faith in bars/clubs?
Posted: 5/13/2010 4:19:39 PM
Confident Realist - You have to understand that some of us are at a different stage in life. We only want to relax with one person instead of a roomful of strangers.
We no longer want to be in an atmosphere where we have to compare ourselves to others or be compared by others. It's a big world - there will always be someone prettier. My ego and self confidence are still fully intact. It doesn't mean that I'm not cute enough and my life doesn't center around trying to.
No social anxiety here. I had a blues band that I sang and played keys in for well over ten years - we played in bars all over town. People get older - they move on - been there done that. It's just not my idea of fun and relaxation anymore, and I seldom drink, so when I do it hits me hard. I also don't want to ruin my life with a drunk driving charge and to pay over $3 for a glass of pop when it's a lot cheaper at home?
I'd rather just have a nice dinner with some friends.
In the 80s I went to clubs after work all the time - it was fun, but I'm over it.
 1234deleted1234
Joined: 10/8/2009
Msg: 173
Why is there no faith in bars/clubs?
Posted: 5/13/2010 4:46:37 PM
Wow discerning....you totally missed realists' point! he said NOT all bars are like the ones in the movies....there are bars like Cheers (gratuitous TV reference to identify with the apparent audience audience segment here.)...where they are quiet, cozy and private like a coffee shop.


People get older - they move on - been there done that. It's just not my idea of fun and relaxation anymore, and I seldom drink, so when I do it hits me hard. I also don't want to ruin my life with a drunk driving charge and to pay over $3 for a glass of pop when it's a lot cheaper at home?


So...take it slow....you don't have to be a drunk to go to a bar...and they're not just for young people....ever go to a VFW or American Legion?

Personally I have a favorite patio bar that I like in the summer....enjoy the cool breeze, a beer or margarita with some food and conversation while watching the sun go down.


We no longer want to be in an atmosphere where we have to compare ourselves to others or be compared by others. It's a big world - there will always be someone prettier. My ego and self confidence are still fully intact. It doesn't mean that I'm not cute enough and my life doesn't center around trying to.


Apparently your ego and self confidence are easily shattered if you're still focusing on this...who cares if there's someone better looking?


No social anxiety here

REALLY? Wow!


....So do you only go to restaurants where you KNOW everyone is ugly? Sorry.....I just can't do buffets except a few in Vegas!
 RobertKoi
Joined: 11/9/2008
Msg: 174
Why is there no faith in bars/clubs?
Posted: 5/13/2010 7:14:37 PM
There's no need for defence. Bars/clubs, etc., have no importance to me at all and I don't go there. It's as simple as that.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 175
Why is there no faith in bars/clubs?
Posted: 5/13/2010 8:10:09 PM
If you aren't into bars or clubs (and if you're not now, then you were probably in them for the wrong reasons to begin with) then there's no reason to go to any.

That's a choice. It's not about what you do, it's about respecting those who choose to go to bars or clubs without labeling them because they don't live the way you do.

Say it's not my thing and then move on. Why the commentary on something you don't do anyway?
 Discerning Virtuosa
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 177
Why is there no faith in bars/clubs?
Posted: 5/14/2010 6:43:52 AM
I do know that there are different types of bars - cozy little pubs, neighborhood watering holes, trendy clubs, etc. The point that I was making is that it's just much more convenient for me to relax at home. Several people that I dated in my 20s and 30s I had met in a bar. More than a couple of them turned out to have a serious drinking problem. I'm not saying that everyone who goes to bars does, because I was there and I don't have a problem with alcohol. I also live in a pretty rural area and there is nothing around here. If I lived in the city it might be different.
The question was why is there no faith in bars or clubs, so I detailed my own reasons why I find trying to meet someone in that atmosphere so undesirable.
That doesn't mean that I think any less of those who do like them.
 E_Squared817
Joined: 11/8/2009
Msg: 180
view profile
History
Why is there no faith in bars/clubs?
Posted: 5/28/2010 10:45:37 AM
I never understood the whole appeal about going to a club or bar. How is one suppose to talk to a woman if the music is so loud. Plus, with alcohol involved, I am not even sure if someone is talking to the real person.
 1234deleted1234
Joined: 10/8/2009
Msg: 182
Why is there no faith in bars/clubs?
Posted: 5/28/2010 12:45:37 PM

I never understood the whole appeal about going to a club or bar. How is one suppose to talk to a woman if the music is so loud.


The idea is to do the initial introduction with her group...gain interest then pull her to a more quiet ares to talk separately



Plus, with alcohol involved, I am not even sure if someone is talking to the real person.


With alcohol you ARE talking to the real person...trust me....money and alcohol don't change people....they reveal them!

As for the people saying bars/nightclubs are too expensive...here are some tips:

1 Go early...most have no cover before a certain time.
2 Use that time before it gets crowded to get to know, in a non-obtrusive way, the bartenders and doormen....they may hook you up later after they get to know you...but don't dominate their time.
3 never buy anyone a drink....at most return the favor AFTER they have bought you a drink.
4 Drink slowly...........you can go out for 5-6 hours milking out 3-4 drinks.
5 Start a tab, you tip once at the end instead of the expected $1 per drink
6 even when starting a tab tip at least $1 cash for the first drink...this sets in motion the notion that you're a tipper.
7 Don't spend too much time hitting on one person...mingle
8 If you're not really into the bar scene look for people who are in groups that appear to only be there for an event such as a work party, bachelor/bachelorette/birthday/divorce or graduation party.
9 Cola is often free especially after you've already had a few alcoholic drinks...and it looks like a mixed drink
10 Stick with one bartender or****ail waitress all night if possible
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 183
Why is there no faith in bars/clubs?
Posted: 5/28/2010 1:33:20 PM

I never understood the whole appeal about going to a club or bar. How is one suppose to talk to a woman if the music is so loud. Plus, with alcohol involved, I am not even sure if someone is talking to the real person.

People who go to bars/clubs to meet potential dates and have conversations with people primarily are going to wonder what the appeal is - since that's not what bars and clubs are for. Mostly they are for light socializing, drinking, dancing, laughing - if you want to have a decent conversation with someone you do meet - you get contact information and talk somewhere else, naturally.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 185
Why is there no faith in bars/clubs?
Posted: 5/28/2010 6:27:33 PM
Virtuosa,

You have to understand that some of us are at a different stage in life.

I do understand that. I honestly do. Nothing I was saying was discounting the different tastes, types, and ages of people. In fact, I was explicitly pointing out how bars hit different demographics, and in different ways.

We only want to relax with one person instead of a roomful of strangers.

I think it'd be bold to stand for your whole generation (I assume the 'we' refers to). Some folks like going to concerts, some don't -- of all age groups, with more than one person -- and yes, strangers around. At different stages of life, I would say the preference changes to different motifs. Those who chalk up "bar" = one description as "room full of strangers, pay to get in, loud music, can't hardly get a drink, too many young people" obviously haven't really given any bars an honest shot... are giving an blatant, blatant invalid description, whether they're 27 or 47.

We no longer want to be in an atmosphere where we have to compare ourselves to others or be compared by others.

I think you're missing the point. Not all bars are like that. I mean, technically ANY place with PEOPLE around for any social event, like a wine-tasting convention, an office party, etc., is going to have that, sure. But again, it boils down to the atmosphere. Are you going to feel that way so much going up to the bar in Applebees? It's a bar, and some people at different stages of their lives prefer those types moreso. Others have a bad taste in their mouth about any "bar" -- and that alone is fine -- however, when someone clearly mislabels them as all being the same when they're vastly diverse in their settings, many of which have nothing in common as far as tastes go besides being able to buy at least something with alcohol content, it's fair for them to be called out on that, right?

It's just not my idea of fun and relaxation anymore, and I seldom drink, so when I do it hits me hard.

Okay, that actually makes sense then. I'm not criticizing anyone in which places that focuses on serving alcohol over food is not their style since they don't (90%+ of the time) drink. My critique is about folks describing bars... as if they're all the same, have the same crowds, all crowded, all a hassle in this way or that way, etc.
 1234deleted1234
Joined: 10/8/2009
Msg: 186
Why is there no faith in bars/clubs?
Posted: 5/28/2010 6:34:11 PM

1... Take a change of clothes...leave it in the car, a spilled drink or Chicken Wing Sauce on your shirt can ruin an evening... Otherwise stick to clear drinks, and eat efore you go...


OR you could learn not to be a messy eater or clumsy...


2... Take a pencil/pen paper... so you don't look like an idiot trying to find something to write a phone # on...


NEVER....it shows you're there to get numbers... fumbling for something to write on makes it impromtu and HUMAN....besides now a days everyone will just input the number directly into their cell...


3... Know the bar... go there a few times WITHOUT trying to pick anyone up... Get to know the layout, washroom locations...


Not necessary....you'll look like a regular and asking where something is give you something to start talking about without it seeming like you're hitting on them...


4... Get to know the staff. Women have been known to ask the bartender/bouncers or other staff "Who's that guy over there..." etc.... If the staff know you, they might say something positive about you..."Oh him, he's ok... never causes trouble....." or some such stuff.... Letting on to the staff over time that you're working/single etc... can't hurt....


Already covered by getting there early and getting to know the staff...you want them to like you but not KNOW you or you'll attract other barflies. Like attracts like


5... Don't get drunk...


Already covered....3-4 drinks in 5-6 hours won't get you drunk.


8... If you don't know how to dance, learn... have fun dancing...


In the case of the people who want to meet people that aren't partiers...this advice runs opposite of your goal....you'll attract another dancer who wants to go dancing every weekend... Even if you DO want the partier type....learning to dance is okay if it's something YOU want to do/learn...otherwise not necessary. Don't take lessons though...have an attractive person at the club teach you...conversation started!


10. In the event of trouble, let the staff handle it...


This should be obvious...but I know all too well it's not....interfere and the doorguys will throw you out too...often they don't see or care who started what....everyone involved goes!


Tip for GUYS....if a chick points at or introduces you to a doorguy and says he's her boyfriend, father, uncle, brother, husband etc. leave her alone...she' trying to get rid of you and probably has alerted the staff that you're creeping on her!
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 188
Why is there no faith in bars/clubs?
Posted: 5/29/2010 9:29:49 AM

Most of the males I know go for some hopes that it will have hot women coming out of the rafters and basically tearing their clothes off on the way out the door. And their hopes are that the one they leave with will soon be the one they are dating.

True - and proof that men find bars and clubs frustrating based on their own expectations. It doesn't have to be that way, but I won't hold my breath waiting for them to all change their reasons for being there.

It should be about the place and the atmosphere, not meeting people or finding your next great love - basing your whole night on something that may not (and usually doesn't) happen is a good way to feel resentful of a place eventually and start thinking you're wasting your time. Going to a place to enjoy it with no expectations and simply enjoying it in the moment is better, but hey - what do I know.

P.S. People either like bars and clubs or they don't. Those who once liked it and then didn't anymore as they got older were probably in them for the wrong reason in the first place.
 *buzz*
Joined: 6/1/2006
Msg: 189
view profile
History
Why is there no faith in bars/clubs?
Posted: 5/31/2010 3:40:25 AM
I wouldn't say I don't have faith in finding people in bars or clubs but I don't usually go to bars or clubs for that matter. Whether I would meet someone in my local pub is just IMO another luck finding myself in the pub at the right time. Never say never ...
 ilovehistory
Joined: 8/12/2009
Msg: 191
view profile
History
Why is there no faith in bars/clubs?
Posted: 6/1/2010 3:54:52 PM
I never, ever drink alcohol, and I dislike being around others who are drinking. I haven't set foot in a bar in years and have no intention of doing so again. I'd rather meet someone who doesn't drink.
 HarDayKnight
Joined: 12/27/2007
Msg: 192
Why is there no faith in bars/clubs?
Posted: 6/1/2010 5:12:50 PM
When you're in your 20's, there is a larger variety of personality types going to bars, than when you're in your 40's.
It's easier to find someone of like mind. A lot of people my age, who go to bars looking to hook up or meet someone,
tend to have problems with being a grown-up. And most of them have no clue that they're a disruptive force in a
relationship.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 193
Why is there no faith in bars/clubs?
Posted: 6/1/2010 5:32:12 PM

I'd call that a prejudice against drinkers...

I think there's a good chance he has a prejudice... but for the record, the part of what he said in regard to not wanting to be around others who are drinking, in a drinking environment (when you're not), is understandable. As you pointed out, there are bars where not everyone's getting "their drink on", but I figure they'd opt elsewhere.

That's one honking big Cat you got there.....

I think his cat had one too many beers. Maybe THAT'S why he doesn't like the bar! His cat runs off at night, goes out to the bar, and refuses to drink Miller Light, and goes straight for the dark beer... (and doesn't do lines of cat nip to burn off the calories). That age in cat years allows them to hit 21 awfully quick...
 You_are_not_alone
Joined: 3/10/2010
Msg: 194
Why is there no faith in bars/clubs?
Posted: 6/2/2010 12:29:39 AM

I'd call that a prejudice against drinkers...

No, just sounds like a civil way of saying he's not intro drinking and he'd feel out of place/uncomfortable around others who do. I don't see any merit to going out drinking with your buds if you're not going to drink and you know full well your friends will be inebriated while you're sitting there wondering what you could have been doing instead. And all because you don't want to be a killjoy. Please.

There's tolerance and there's peer pressure; no need to push your way of life on others.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 195
Why is there no faith in bars/clubs?
Posted: 6/2/2010 11:13:15 AM

I don't see any merit to going out drinking with your buds if you're not going to drink and you know full well your friends will be inebriated while you're sitting there wondering what you could have been doing instead.

For many bars? Yes. When your friends are out to get smashed? Yes. I agree that one not being keen on the idea of hitting up typical bars when they're not going to drink -- especially if they DO drink, but not on that particular day.

BUT, "I dislike being around others who are [merely] drinking" is a bolder statement than disliking being around people getting sloshed. I agree that for someone who doesn't drink, most bars are not the best idea.

However, with that said, there are a few neighborhood bars with a pool table, tvs, some food -- could be enjoyed without drinking if drinking's not your style. In essence, some bars aren't much different than coffee shops. If someone doesn't care for say, openly-social coffee shops, then yeah, if they don't drink, no bars are going to be for them.
 RobertKoi
Joined: 11/9/2008
Msg: 198
Why is there no faith in bars/clubs?
Posted: 6/3/2010 7:31:31 AM
*Lmao* Yeah, that's the bar scene in a nutshell indeed!

So many people are in denial for some reason. Be it about age gaps, e.g., that age is just a number. Nope. It's not just a number; never has, isn't and never will be *just* a number. Then there's the friendship nonsense, that men and women can only be friends. Since when? Was it before or after the invention of sliced bread? And bars/pubs/clubs, etc. A lot of people go there because they're either desperate to get laid (most cases), escape from reality or drown their sorrows by getting smashed and stupid. Women say that they just LUVE dancing and that's the only reason they go there... Yup, that's why they spend 3 hours in the bathroom putting make-up on. And yup, that's why they appreciate the attention, the flirts, free drinks and possibly even cheat on their boyfriends/husbands.

No no no, it's time to wake up. Whoever you are, and if you're in denial, just cut the bullshi.t.
 1234deleted1234
Joined: 10/8/2009
Msg: 199
Why is there no faith in bars/clubs?
Posted: 6/3/2010 8:18:38 AM

No no no, it's time to wake up. Whoever you are, and if you're in denial, just cut the bullshi.t.


...and just who are YOU to call BS on other people just because this is YOUR version of reality?

There are plenty of people who go out to bars meet friends and coworkers on occasion who never really hang out in bars otherwise...where else might you meet those people in a conducive atmosphere?

Bars provide the same thing online dating does...the chance to meet someone that otherwise would never cross your path! Sure there are people who go nightly or go to get laid just like here...it's a matter of perspective...you'll find what you're looking for!

To suggest that is all anyone goes there or here to do is insulting...and very shortsighted on your part....you must live in a very small world ...
 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 201
Why is there no faith in bars/clubs?
Posted: 6/3/2010 8:54:56 AM
^^^^ I can hear the irony bell clanging from here.

But OT, I think it depends a lot on the bar or the club. I've gone to some for
drinks or dancing or the occasional football game and had nothing but a great
time...met lots of people. I did date a few that I met, nothing that lasted, but
I'm pretty sure it had nothing to do with the fact I met them in the bar or club.

I've also been to a few bars for drinks where no amount of goggles or bleach for
the eyes could rid myself of the visions that lay before me. I don't care where you
go, there are always going to be all types of people. It's not impossible to meet
someone anywhere...just depends on the situation.
Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  >