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Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > I'm a musician and I fell for a deaf girl...      Home login  
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 Peter_not_Dave
Joined: 3/28/2007
Msg: 41
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I'm a musician and I fell for a deaf girl...Page 2 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
Hello, tongue-untied.

> This sucks....I finally find a beautiful
> woman who I care for very deeply and wish
> to be with, and she cannot hear my songs
> of affection...

I understand your frustration, but this is a test. An opportunity that will define you as capable or incapable of adapting to how she experiences the world. Have you actually written a song for her? Let's assume for the moment that you have. Who is the beneficiary of that creative work?

I say you are. I say it was your indulgence in your craft. It's a natural thing. And I don't disapprove. Because a craftsman has to practice his craft.

But if he's going to love a special woman with a special a connection with the world, he has to become a special lover. You can't do some of the stereotypical "lovebird" gestures and expect them to connect. You have to have more imagination, more originality, more innovation, and more courage. And maybe more humility, because some of what you are (a musician) is outside of her perceptions. You will have to be content with her happiness for you that you're doing what you love. You will have to accept that she can't be a fan based on the actual experience of your music.

This sounds like it would be tough on a guy accustomed to praise and applause from people for what he does onstage. This can be humbling. But love can be that way. It might be the perfect thing for you. Or it might be impossible. It all depends on your character.

Please don't expect her to come over to your way beyond her capabilities. You must learn to express your affection in ways that are for her, not for you.

> it drives me berzerk that she will
> never be able to hear my greatest
> talent....music....

If there were a guy, let's say a hypothetical guy, who was unevenly developed, because he was a great musician but not such a great human being... this would be the perfect situation for him, wouldn't it? He would have every incentive to become a real man apart from the acclaim that he formerly felt defined him. I don't know if that guy is you, but if he's even a little part of you, I'd say open yourself to the challenges and opportunities that present themselves to you. Let love guide you through new explorations into who you really are when the guitar is in its case and there are no microphones around. When it takes real soul to shine and to touch another human being.

It appears to me that you are blessed. I think this woman is an angel come to find a man in you that you didn't know existed because the music was turned up too high.

> I can't help but feel very shallow and
> selfish about this....

That's because you are. So far you seem to be more concerned about her not hearing your music than about her not hearing from you what she can hear, in the way that she can hear it, if you'll only say it. New expressions of love from you, in new forms. This is not about your losing a potential showcase for your music. This is about gaining a new dimension of expression you've never tried before.

Musicians are supposed to have good imaginations, aren't they?

If you love her enough, you'll do fine. You'll learn what you need to learn, and you'll earn her patience. This is a test of your love and your emotional maturity. The right thing will happen.

Good luck, my friend. You're asking the right questions.

Peter
 kpooks
Joined: 12/23/2008
Msg: 43
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I'm a musician and I fell for a deaf girl...
Posted: 1/15/2009 10:01:39 PM
Think of it as a blessing in disguise--if you suck, she won't be able to tell you that LOL!

Seriously, though...

5 hours apart...wow...good luck...I'm sure she's a very nice girl...

Drive her berserk with another great talent of yours...touch. Caress her hair, kiss her, look into those beautiful eyes...make sweet music with the touch of your hands.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 45
I'm a musician and I fell for a deaf girl...
Posted: 1/16/2009 12:06:21 AM

I can't help but feel very shallow and selfish about this.... any advice out there???


You are being very shallow and selfish. If you want her to be happy, don't make a big deal out of something she can do nothing about. You're the one who is unhappy she can't hear it. If you didn't tell her about it, she wouldn't even know she was supposed to be missing something.
 REDDRAGON.
Joined: 10/9/2008
Msg: 46
I'm a musician and I fell for a deaf girl...
Posted: 1/16/2009 12:17:00 AM

but it drives me berzerk that she will never be able to hear my greatest talent....music....


your dammed if you do dammed if you don't .......you gonna feel any better cutting her loose because she is deaf???? I think not. Put your artistic ego aside and be happy you have met a good woman.

Look at it this way you'll never have to worry about the music being to loud?
 Ms.Extreme
Joined: 7/11/2007
Msg: 47
I'm a musician and I fell for a deaf girl...
Posted: 1/16/2009 4:33:39 AM
Hi OPie!

I am deaf and a cochlear implant *wearer*. I think that it is awesome that you're wiling to learn her language to overcome communiation barriers.

Keep in mind just because she cannot *hear* the music does not mean she cannot appreciate it. Take me for example..... prior to my unfortunate accident which left me deaf..... I enjoyed a whole genure of different music than I listen to now, while waiting to get my *ears fixed*, I learned how to appreciate music through alterior methods.

I highly recommend alot of bass tones if you want her to be able to pick up certain parts of your composition. Blow up a balloon for her, have her hold it and play your music, she may just enjoy the beats. Try this experiment on you own playing different genres of music from country to rap and you will feel the difference in vibrations. I personally am not a fan of country it all feels the same. Try it! You'll see what I am talking about!

There's tons of other ways to *hear* music. Haven't you seen August Rush? Of course the boy can *hear* music but the key element is he heard it in his own way that it was SO beautiful to him. The same can be applied for a person who possesses no hearing.

Just bear in mind, just because one is hearing impaired, does not limit them from doing anything....... it just means they are ABLE to find ways around their hearing loss.

Also -- keep in mind, the old adage, if one looses an impotant sense, they gain/develop another one.

PS:: all the remarks about *YELLING* at a deaf person..... is truly pathetic. There's so much more you could learn if you were not too busy trying to be an undereducated fool yelling at a deaf person. It's not going to automate them to hear any better by your yelling so quit being a tool and act like a normal decent human being. ;)
 kuddlekitty
Joined: 12/30/2007
Msg: 48
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I'm a musician and I fell for a deaf girl...
Posted: 1/16/2009 5:41:04 AM
I cannot believe that anyone would have the audacity to tell you that you are selfish. You're experiencing a conflict...and it is obviously weighing on your mind. If your love was all encompassing, you might not even be questioning the relationship. Perhaps you're looking for a reason why the relationship won't work in the long run...perhaps it won't. But then again, no one has a guarantee even when there aren't problems or challenges.
I don't think it's a question of being selfish or self-absorbed. You have a passion. Period. You're a musician. Yes, it is an ironic twist of fate that you've fallen for someone with a hearing disability.
We all want our lover to be our best friend. For me, that is someone I would be able to share my passions with.
It's not about you being right or wrong, selfish or not selfish; it's just what works for you and what will make you happy in the long run. Only you know. Or will find out. I think the only answer, if you care for her, is take it day by day. Does she like music? Has she expressed an interest in it. A love for it? Has she told you how she expericnces it/does she? Do you even share that passion (even if she wasn't deaf.) It also depends how much time and involvement music truly plays in your life.
The bottom line is, no one should tell you you're selfish or self-absorbed. You're obviously loving and empathetic; you're attempting to sign...but this is still an issue for you. You shouldn't be made to feel guilty for how you feel...and you shouldn't stay with someone because you feel guilty.
As in all relationships, time will tell you. Not the people here. It's good that you expressed your conflict. And again, obviously it is one or you wouldn't have posted it. But don't base your decision on being "guilted" into thinking you're only a good guy if you stay. People break up for much less dealbreakers than this, which is basically a lifestyle. Crap! People break up if their partner gains weight! (and, no, I'm not saying that's right in case some poster wants to comment on that. It's an example.)
She sounds like a great woman, perhaps not great for you because of the circumstances. You shouldn't have to be in a relationship where you feel disheartened or disappointed.
You would be selfish and self-absorbed if you were a couple, madly in love...together for a bit...and she suddenly lost her hearing. And you left. Or if she had a tragic accident, was confined to a wheelchair, and you said "I'm outta here." I hope for all of us that we have partners that love us and stay with us through the ups and downs of life...that don't bail when life or their partner is suddenly not perfect.
But you walked into this relationship knowing her situation, which shows what a non-judgmental person you are, and you're finding it a conflict. That's okay. You're entitled to find someone who can be more involved in something you love. That doesn't mean you should break up...it means you have some soul-searching to do... And perhaps some heart-to-hearts with your girlfriend.
You sound great. So does she...You'll work it out, and I think you'll both be happy whichever way you guys decide to go....
 .Kels.
Joined: 10/11/2008
Msg: 52
I'm a musician and I fell for a deaf girl...
Posted: 1/16/2009 7:24:31 PM
let her read your lyrics, play for her anyways, have it loud so she can feel the vibrations, just because she CANT hear it dosnt mean she wont love wating you do something you love! i personally think you would be selfish for ending it with her just because of this, there are ways to get around it
 tongue-untied
Joined: 10/13/2004
Msg: 53
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I'm a musician and I fell for a deaf girl...
Posted: 1/18/2009 6:46:45 AM
Update on this..... She came for a visit and I plugged in the ole Fender Strat...I asked her to be patient and put her one hand on the amp and the other on my chest...then I played some blues...SRV...before I started I asked her to just feel it within herself just like I do and she was crying in the end of it, I was so into the tune that I forgot she even had her hand on my chest...she felt the blues....
One of the best moments of my life, and one of the saddest all together....
 english lass
Joined: 11/14/2007
Msg: 54
I'm a musician and I fell for a deaf girl...
Posted: 1/18/2009 7:46:05 AM
i can understand that it must be hard not to be able to share your most precious passion with your most precious woman, the ironies of life...

but know that you and she can share so many other things together - rejoice in those things and continue to give joy to all the other people who can hear you, with your talent

good luck

edited after i read your last post: that is beautiful! i'm happy for you both

:)
 serenity60
Joined: 7/6/2008
Msg: 55
I'm a musician and I fell for a deaf girl...
Posted: 1/18/2009 8:02:34 AM
OP, your last post was so very touching. Thank you for updating us!!
I took an ASL course a few years ago. We asked the instructor about singing. So she showed us. She sings with her signs. The movement of her hands and arms and facial expressions just flowed beautifully and was amzing to watch. We could "feel" her song. There are some musicians (usually for childrens concerts) that have sign interpreters that sing for the hearing impaired children. It was mesmorizing to watch.
 tongue-untied
Joined: 10/13/2004
Msg: 56
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I'm a musician and I fell for a deaf girl...
Posted: 1/18/2009 5:03:02 PM
Another update... before she arrived I took a poster's advice and learned a song through signing...it was hard but I did it. It was "Love" by John Lennon...by the time I was finished learning it, I felt something I never did before... when I showed it to her it brought us so much closer together, it brought us to an understanding that even if she can't hear and I am not hearing impaired, we still can be together just as any other couple... It made me come to the conclusion that we all take so many things for granted... Perhaps, one day, we may all advance as a society by addressing each others needs instead of their wants.... I learned a very great thing by doing this and I've never felt better in my life.... Thanks to all who gave advice, whether good or bad.... much appreciated
 tangop
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 57
I'm a musician and I fell for a deaf girl...
Posted: 1/19/2009 11:04:22 PM
tongue-tied - are you looking for an audience or love? Does whoever love you have to love your music?

What about those of us who are in different professions/trade/careers? Would we want to be "in love" just because our love interest have to match our profession, what we expect of them to love what we do, versus who we are? By golly, in that case we'll all have very little choices because we can do only one or two things at a time.

If you are looking for an audience try producing your own concert. Simple as that. And stop whinning.
 tongue-untied
Joined: 10/13/2004
Msg: 58
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I'm a musician and I fell for a deaf girl...
Posted: 1/20/2009 4:47:34 AM
Obviously, if I fell for a woman who is hearing impaired, then I'm not looking for an audience. I'm looking at a woman I care about and just wish she could have had a better start in life that so many of us take for granted.... Nobody in this world is perfect, I sure as hell am not. We take what we are given and run with it, and I was given the gift of being able to compose and play music, and to be honest, not many ppl in the world can. I didn't ask for this talent, I just happened to be in my mom's womb while she practiced 2-3 hours a day on the piano while studying to become a music teacher... I learned about music before I was even born... And while the thought of connecting with a woman who had a similiar interest and talent that I have is very inviting, it has not possessed me to only pursue relationships with musicians... Love is blind, or in this case, deaf... If I wanted to have a relationship with another musician, I'm sure I would have only pursued someone like that. But I happened to meet a fantastic woman who just happens to be deaf... we connected because we are so very similiar in personality and spirit, not anything else... with that said, am I so wrong to desire to share this with her? Would not anyone wish to share with their signifigant other? The main point I have is that she doesn't like me because I can play music, she likes me for the person I am, and vice versa... Sure, to be able to play for her would be a dream come true, in all honesty, I could give 2 sh1ts if she can hear my songs of love, just as long as she knows that there is a person out there that cares about her and her well-being. We all have passions in life, now I have 2....music and her... but I would give this talent back in a heartbeat just so she could hear me say "I love you" instead of my musical talent...

Oh, and by the way.... it's Tongue-Untied... Sometimes I can't shut up, but I sure wish others could sometimes....

Peace
 James Bottomtooth III
Joined: 5/19/2008
Msg: 59
I'm a musician and I fell for a deaf girl...
Posted: 1/20/2009 6:41:04 AM
OP's 1st post -

...but it drives me berzerk that she will never be able to hear my greatest talent....


OPs last post -

... I could give 2 sh1ts if she can hear my songs of love...
 More sleep would be nice
Joined: 8/17/2008
Msg: 61
I'm a musician and I fell for a deaf girl...
Posted: 1/22/2009 5:47:56 PM
I do not see you as being shallow. Selfish, yes, but not shallow. I think some people have very different interpretations of what shallow means especially in relation to intimacy.

Reminder: love IS selfish. Love is a self-induced series of emotions that create the initiation to wish to bond with someone of attraction. Then through that bond, create a desire for reciprocating what you express to that person.

What makes this really poetic is that you, the musician have a connection with this person that cannot hear your voice and your music. It IS a HUGE barrier BUT... /ponders

May I use an imagined scenario?

Imagine you're playing your instrument, she can see your actions and she will try to feel you through your actions, your passions. If you are creative, you can translate your music in the form of shape, colour and touch and other varying sensations that she may comprehend.

Of course, this requires that both of you are capable of such connections. That both of you are patient with each other and able to perceptively step over such barriers.

Love IS selfish. What you do for others, care, consideration, to try to give her/him happiness, etc, is all just an expression of the love you create inside of you. Ultimately, choose the regret you can live with over the one you feel you cannot.
 seattlerain11
Joined: 9/17/2007
Msg: 63
I'm a musician and I fell for a deaf girl...
Posted: 1/23/2009 9:13:51 AM
Perhaps her deafness will inspire you to put more of your talent into the LYRICS of your music... a beat and melody are nice, to be sure, but there are some, deaf and otherwise who see the real meaning of a song in the words.

How about a collaboration? Imagine a deaf partner writing song lyrics for you.

Oh, and don't forget, BEETHOVEN was stone deaf when he wrote some of his greatest music.

and if 'music is your greatest talent' I suggest you look around your life. I suspect there are much deeper and important talents that you have. . . compassion, love, and empathy for instance, and I'm sure you have many more.

James, Seattle, Washington, USA, Earth
 SuperLen
Joined: 2/4/2008
Msg: 64
I'm a musician and I fell for a deaf girl...
Posted: 2/2/2009 8:38:40 PM
Write a heavy bass piece specifically for her and let her "feel" it.

Len
 buxy1964
Joined: 1/16/2013
Msg: 65
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I'm a musician and I fell for a deaf girl...
Posted: 4/19/2017 11:49:02 AM
She can feel the beat and vibrations. I'm deaf and I've dated a few musicians
 imanorangetiger
Joined: 12/29/2011
Msg: 66
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I'm a musician and I fell for a deaf girl...
Posted: 4/20/2017 3:31:50 AM
I can't help finding something patronising in the way the OP wrote his story. This is a grown woman, not someone born yesterday. I seriously doubt she came from another planet either. Why would the OP think that she hadn't already found her own way to experience music?

In any case, this thread is eight years old; they're either still together, or they're not. Or he could have the whole thing up.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 67
if i fall for a deaf person, does it make a noise?
Posted: 4/20/2017 6:38:24 AM
I'll agree, the story is settled or not...but it does seem like the OP feels blocked by his one avenue for impressing people. maybe that was the real issue for him, and why it made him feel "Shallow". sometimes the lesson is, take people as they are, and throw your patented "move" out the window.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 68
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I'm a musician and I fell for a deaf girl...
Posted: 4/20/2017 8:18:11 AM
"I thought to myself. "When is this going to be over?" "is this going to take long?" "Did this work with other girls?" "I didn't ask for this, did I?" "

I have had this happen to me more than once. Each time, I never saw them again.

Oh the musician and their ego. Poets are quite similar. I am the opposite of a groupie.
 hemingway234
Joined: 6/6/2015
Msg: 69
I'm a musician and I fell for a deaf girl...
Posted: 4/20/2017 8:50:12 AM
What a romantic story. It would make for a great movie.
 RoxyMoronic
Joined: 6/7/2016
Msg: 70
I'm a musician and I fell for a deaf girl...
Posted: 4/21/2017 9:26:45 AM
I thought [with a quick glance] the title read : I'm a musician and I fell for a dead girl.
better movie idea?
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 71
if a tree falls in the woods and no one hears it, does it sound like love?
Posted: 4/21/2017 11:24:07 AM
this post and its responses reminds me of a quote, probably from someone on here:

just b/c no one understands you...that doesn't make you an artist.

a musician who fell for a dead girl...sounds emo to me. Or maybe death metal.

for some reason (maybe b/c its raining here) made me think of this song

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hCPVLjrHDTs

(every woman I know thinks the lead singer is cute, but not sure the haircut works for him here)
 hemingway234
Joined: 6/6/2015
Msg: 72
I'm a musician and I fell for a deaf girl...
Posted: 4/22/2017 11:58:29 AM

I thought [with a quick glance] the title read : I'm a musician and I fell for a dead girl.
better movie idea?


- That would be more popular I'm sure
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