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 Capitano_Blaugh
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 233
girl who wants to take it slow!Page 11 of 11    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11)
Maybe she needs a good listener right now, someone she can talk to...a friend that understands and cares. Give her REASONS to trust you & lean on you, be her confidant. I'd bet that if ya take these steps it will put ya in the right direction that you want this to go..... JMHO....


Any guy over 16 know that your advice is the quickest path to getting tossed on the Friends Heap..... and if they don't, they need to hang out with guys who are able to attract women....

If she needs a guy to listen to her and her problems, let her go talk to her gay friends. Why bother dating?

 umsumsumsums
Joined: 1/17/2009
Msg: 234
girl who wants to take it slow!
Posted: 2/9/2009 4:56:14 PM
i am in the take it slow frame of mind

because even after many hours of heartfelt talks, and dates etc...

guys have hidden their marital status, the fact they liked sucking penis on the side, their addictions,
etc...
 x_file
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 237
girl who wants to take it slow!
Posted: 2/10/2009 4:22:26 AM

So you really believe this is what is happening in this young man's case after 3-4 weeks of dating? You are making this huge assumption about someone you don't even know, based on your own less than positive experiences with women who have hurt you.


To begin with, no woman has ever hurt me. What I say is mostly from what I observe around me. I know older man (in their thirties & forties) who got cleaned out, emasculated, and then thrown to the curb. Some deserved it, others didn't - they just married a she devil in sheeps clothing.

Also, Capitano was not talking about 3-4 weeks. He wasn't even talking about dating. He was talking about the bigger picture.

And lastly, on this matter, if "take it slow" meant no sex for 3-4 weeks, I don't think that's a big issue.



But once again you guys are giving advice to a young man based on your assumption that this young girl, whom you know nothing about, has less than pure motives. That she has only used the 'excuse' of wanting to "go slow" as an attempt to manipulate this young man


I don't think I ever mentioned anything about her motives. I'm only pointing out that wanting to take it slow implies that something is wrong. Perhaps the reason she wants to take it slow it because he comes across as untrustworthy. Or perhaps he is trustworthy, but she has trust issues. In either case, something is wrong.



The point here is the word "often" but NOT always!


Precisely! That's why I used the word "often" instead of "always".



Of course, there are people who are so insecure in themselves that no amount of love or "proof" will enable them to relax and trust their partner. (You are exhibiting some of this yourself)


LOL!

I trust people until they give me a reason not to.



Of course, "no longer" means that they were having sex, and presumably a happy relationship (HER man) and then he "no longer" wished to have sex with her for some reason or another.


You got a point on technicality, I give you that.



But to assume that there must automatically mean that there is something "wrong" with a woman whom you like and who likes you, with whom you are not in a relationship (you are NOT her man! She may not yet feel any great emotional connection to you) not wanting to "rip her clothes off" and ravish you, is being a bit 'over the top', isn't it?


It's not over the top, not at all. I don't expect a woman to actually rip her clothes off and jump me - but I do expect her to want to. Do you see the difference?



Not every man thinks a woman who wants to delay sex, has something "wrong" with them, or is just manipulating them.


Yes, that's true. But then not every man thinks with his bigger head either. Some don't even think.



Once again you continue to make many assumptions about someone you don't know at all! (like that young woman)


The discussion switched to "general" mode 5 pages ago. I'm not even talking about "that young woman".



Do you have a psychology degree? What makes you think you 'know' that I dislike or am indifferent to sex?


LOL! I have something better.

And I don't "know" that you dislike sex or that you are indifferent to it, but from your remarks thus far, I haven't noticed a single positive remark about sex. The general tone of your post(s), in regards to sex, is defensive. The likelihood is that you dislike sex, or at the very best are indifferent towards it - but of course, I don't know either one that for sure.



Which is why a woman who feels differently to you about sex or "dinner", doesn't have something "wrong" with her, she is simply taking "care " of her own emotional health!


Back to emotional health, hu?

Women who are emotionally healthy, don't have hangups about sex. If they like sex, and want sex, and they like a guy, they have sex with him... it is a simple as that.

Also, sex messes up women emotionally (as you implied), but masturbation doesn't? I don't buy the "emotional health" excuse.



Once again you are making assumptions about someone you have never met!


Once again, you are right. But then again, you avoided the question(s) altogether.

You could have easily responded with, "I love sex!", but you didn't.



It's when people pretend that the encounter means more to them than it does, merely to get what they want that they hurt other people. It is never okay to 'use' someone, in my opinion.


Does the "hurt" come from sex, or does the hurt come from "he didn't have true feelings for me"? If the "hurt" came from "he didn't have true feelings for me", then stop blaming sex.

And you are right. It's never okay to use someone. But let me ask you something... if you like sex and you want sex, and you have sex, how can you say you were "USED" when you got exactly what you like and want (in terms of sex), EVEN IF they guy didn't have true feelings for you?

I dare someone to show me how it is possible that you like sex and want sex, yet be "used" because you consensually had sex with someone, especially if the sex as good.

It's logically impossible to have these premises:

1) I like sex.
2) I want sex.
3) I got sex.
-------------------------
And conclude: "I was used because I (or we) had sex."



If sex isn't a "moral" or emotional issue for her, then she may not view having sex with someone else as cheating.


I understood what you were trying to say the first time around. The problem with statement is hard to capture in words. But I will try.

Cheating is a loaded word and implies quite a lot. For one, cheating implies a prior promise to be faithful. If she promised to be faithful, it follows that sex, at least for her, IS a moral or emotional issue. If she never made that promise, then she isn't cheating, regardless who she has sex with.

It follows that if she cheats, it's not because sex isn't moral or emotional issue for her, but because she isn't a moral being - for she broke a promise or lied (at least twice).



It only becomes a "moral" issue if she knows fidelity is important to you, but she has sex with someone else anyway. That is showing complete disregard and disrespect for your feelings.


If she doesn't care to ask about fidelity that says something about her - she must be new on Earth.

How do you people start relationships? Relationship is practically another word for "fidelity".



A threesome? You might be willing to share your partner sexually if you are in control, but maybe she doesn't want to be controlled?


I wasn't talking about me or my partner. I was simply offering an alternative if you really want to have sex with other person rather than cheating.



There is nothing "wrong" or "immoral" about a woman (or man) who likes sex for sex' sake, just as there is nothing "wrong" with a man or woman who prefers an emotional connection first.


Back to emotional connections, hu? It's never ending excuses.

It there is nothing wrong with sex for the sake of sex, then have it. If you prefer emotional connection first, then you MUST think something is wrong with "just sex" - unless of course you flipped a quarter and settle the matter that way.

If nothing is wrong with sex for the sake of sex, then why don't have sex while building an emotional connection?



Surly she is only morally or ethically lacking if she knows you feel that way about monogamy and sex in your relationship, but she is 'unfaithful' anyway?


I don't quite get the question.



In your opinion it doesn't add up. For someone else it may be pefectly natural.
The "why not? " should be obvious! She actually 'knows' that you don't view sex in the same way that she does and she is not comfortable with it.
If you were the right man for her you'd understand and care about where she may be coming from, not see her as having something "wrong with her".
Just be honest and 'up-front', she will soon realise she is the wrong woman for you.
If she doesn't then the poor woman is too 'needy' for her own good!


This turn from a discussion to an advice session.

And no, it's not just my opinion that it doesn't ad up. It doesn't add. It's kind of like "2+2 doesn't add up to 5" opinion.

Do you honestly thing it does add up? In other words it wouldn't bother you that a man likes you, and you like him, yet he avoids or delays sex with you?



Good for you if that is what you think "feels right" for you, it may well be exactly what someone else is looking for.


We are back to advice giving?

Look, if we are going to go with "Do what you feel is right for you" and don't ask "Well, why is it actually right for you?", then we might as well end this discussion here and now.

There should no women wondering, "Why he didn't call?" - after all that's what he though was right for him. There should be no women wondering, "Why did he cheat" - after all that's what he though was right for him.

It's beautiful! It's explain everything! And, yet, it explains nothing.



I have a serious problem with people who view their way as the only way.


Nothing of what I said is "my way". I'm not even dating. Not only that, I'm not even "insisting on a way". I'm simply pointing out principles/ideas - like "When two people really like each other they want to rip each others clothes, and have sex as soon as possible".

I'm not saying, "If you really like someone, and they like you, you should rip each others clothes off and have sex as soon as possible".



And with older men who have had sad life experiences trying to convince younger men that all women "will chew you up and spit you out" eventually! At least without prefacing it with "In my opinion......."!


Everything I say is my opinion by virtue of me saying it. Whose opinion can it be? If I state someone else's opinion, then it's my opinion about their opinion and were back square one. It's ALWAYS my opinion, even when it's not my opinion - so long I'm the one stating it.



Exactly! Most of us on internet dating sites aren't here because we made fantastic choices in our lives! Unless you lost a wonderful partner through death, I imagine it is safe to say that we are all here because we have made choices and had relationships, with people that were wrong for us in our pasts.


I'm here for the entertainment.



Is it any wonder most of us have "trust issues"?


Then how come few or no profiles mention anything about that? Does the word "liars" come to mind?



Yet you guys think it is okay to run her down and make assumptions about some young woman you have never even met, assuming that you KNOW she MUST be manipulative or a user simply because the women in your lives have been!


Yeah! Were are big bad man. Poor little girl.

We are discussing a behavior, not some imaginary girl.



Too many guys who simply want sex with any woman, anytime.


And there it is! "Just sex" IS "just bad".

One more time... if you like sex and you want sex, and you have sex, how can you say, in this case imply, you were "USED" when you got exactly what you like and want (in terms of sex), EVEN IF they guy didn't have true feelings for you?

Have you ever heard a guy complaining he was used because some hot girl had sex with him because she was horny?
 Capitano_Blaugh
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 238
girl who wants to take it slow!
Posted: 2/10/2009 7:09:39 AM

No women's "heart" is situated in her vagina in the same way that no man's "heart" is in his penis!


This seems to contradict one of the main reasons almost EVERY woman advocates 'going slow', which is because sex causes all sorts of 'bonding' hormones to be released, which, in turn, cause the woman to feel more 'in love' and 'connected'....

..... I'm SOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooo confused now.... before now, I've just been going on what women have been saying that has led me to believe that women's hearts ARE in their vaginas....



 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 240
girl who wants to take it slow!
Posted: 2/10/2009 11:21:20 AM
Amberlight58,

But once again you guys are giving advice to a young man based on your assumption that this young girl, whom you know nothing about, has less than pure motives. That she has only used the 'excuse' of wanting to "go slow" as an attempt to manipulate this young man.

There usually isn't a bad motive at all. Few actually consciously plot out how to manipulate someone, or know they're really using the "I have trust issues" as leverage. For the better people, it's a temporary phase, and after that, they don't let it affect them too much once they've gotten to know someone for a little bit.

However, far too many get the victim-pat-on-the-back, which only lets their pain fester... just like guys going off about how "all women suck", etc. Goes both ways.

Problem is, someone who has emotional trust issues may be comfortable with that, as a safety measure, and end up unnecessarily feeding off it because they end up getting their way, and it's always a crutch to use when they're in a situation where they're not that into a guy (and lead him on).

Bottom Line: Those who do that sort of thing aren't bad people in other aspects of life. They don't have evil motives. That doesn't really make it better at all, though -- because the process ends up being the same.
 ExplosiveSheep
Joined: 9/22/2007
Msg: 242
girl who wants to take it slow!
Posted: 2/11/2009 4:16:02 AM
I just wanna jump in here and say that "Taking it slow" can mean more than "she doesn't want to f*ck within the next 3 days."

I've known a few experiences, hell it happened to me once where that literally means she *does* in fact just want a good listener, someone to be a good friend to her. You know what happens? Friend zone just like Capitano said, next think you know she's telling you what a great guy you are, how she doesn't want to jepardize that for anything... so instead she's going to date some douchey looking guy who probably drinks his weight in alcohol every week and has the emotional depth of a carrot.

Don't worry though, while she's commiting her vag to this guy, she still wants to talk to about the brand new issues she's got with the brand new guy.

At this point she's a little shocked you ignore her messages, screen your calls and you avoid her at social gatherings.
 worldclassman
Joined: 2/7/2009
Msg: 247
girl who wants to take it slow!
Posted: 2/12/2009 10:20:44 PM
She's broken, get rid of her and move on...

Me personally, I would never adopt an abused puppy that winces when I try to pet it.

 x_file
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 248
girl who wants to take it slow!
Posted: 2/13/2009 2:16:24 AM

Thank you, x_file for having this conversation (?) with me, but I have to say I continue to be overwhelmed by your many assumptions!


Please, state 5 of my assumptions - prefferably copy and paste them.



So after taking one sentence completely out of context, you have found your 'evidence' that I must dislike sex?


It's not one sentence. It's the general attitude of your posts. Compare your posts to this post made in the philosophy and science forms:



I believe the first sight experience is lust, not love. If that lust at first sight is experienced by people who are not only knowledgeable about their sexuality but willing to explore it at all costs -- and yes that means no trust, no chivalry, no honour, no fantasies except the puerile -- then lust at first sight is exactly what's needed for a lifetime relationship.

I have girlfriends for support. I have sisters for validation. What I want and need from a man is sex. If he can cough up the sex, he stays.

Lust gets such a bad rap.
There's really nothing wrong with lust at first sight, second sight, ninety seventh sight or eight thousand three hundred and forty second sight.


You gotta be blind not the see the difference in attitude towards sex. You can find the entire thread here: http://forums.plentyoffish.com/datingPosts11613280.aspx



I am only defensive because I see you making your value judgements that a person has something "wrong" with them, just because they don't want to have sex straight away with someone they don't know well!


Could you kindly tell me where I said that?



What excuses? People wanting to live their lives in the way that they see is "right" for them are not making excuses! But once again according to you, they must have something "wrong" with them! You are judging again.


And so are you! Your judgment is well shared so it doesn't feel like judgment but rather a normal remark. Thinking that nothing is wrong with "taking it slow" is a judgment.

Thinking that "taking it slow" implies something is wrong, is also a judgment, but pot-me-kettle.




And then "If nothing is wrong with sex for the sake of sex, then why don't have sex while building an emotional connection?"


The reality is that often doesn't happen. There are some people who can have sex with the same person for months or even years and NEVER make an emotional connection or actually see themselves as being in a relationship!
Which is why you should check that you really ARE in a relationship with someone (you both are on the same page) before you start making assumptions!



LOL! How does that even begin to answer the question?

Yes, the reality is that having sex and building an emotional connection almost never coincide! I'm well aware of that. But why? Why do the two almost never coincide? If nothing is wrong with sex for the sake of sex, and nothing is wrong with building an emotional connection, then why can't the two happen simultaneously?

And yes, some people take months or even years and never make an emotional connection, but how is that relevant to the question?



I agree that someone is only being 'used', if they weren't aware that the other person had a different agenda.


That's not my point, not even close.

The other person's agenda is irrelevant if YOU wanted what THEY wanted AT THAT MOMENT.

My question about "being used" is fairly simple:

If you like sex, want sex, and have sex, how can you say you were "USED" when you got exactly what you like and want (in terms of sex), EVEN IF the guy didn't have true feelings for you?

If my question is too complex, break down into smaller bits.




If both people are happy and both 'know the score' and no one is hoping for more emtotionally than the other person is willing/able to give, then 'sex for the sake of sex' can be fantastic, I agree.


Again not my point, not even close.

You said that there is nothing wrong with "sex for the sake of sex", right?

If there is nothing wrong with "sex for the sake of sex", and you like sex, then give me one good reason why you wouldn't have it?



Well sorry to disappoint you, (by "you people" do you mean Australians or just women?) but we are no different to you, in that we have to be sure we actually HAVE a committed relationship before we can expect fidelity!


LOL! Which comes first, a committed relationship, or fidelity? Can you have a committed relationship without fidelity?

Also, thanks for that! Now it's clear what commitment means.



I was accused by Capitano of having "speculation and conjecture in there not to mention how convoluted her post was...." when all I was merely doing was asking you guys pilloring that young girl (and women in general) exactly what you meant so I could try to understand what perspective you were coming from BEFORE I made any assumptions about you!


LOL! Pilloring?

Look, make all the assumptions you want about me. I don't see why I should care. Here, let me skip forward and simplify the whole process.... "I'm Satan". Can you think of anything worse than that? If so, just add it on. When you are done, you STILL have to show where/why I'm wrong.
 ExplosiveSheep
Joined: 9/22/2007
Msg: 252
girl who wants to take it slow!
Posted: 2/14/2009 2:30:43 AM
They've already written a couple of chapters on the subject in this thread.
 FTWFella
Joined: 7/20/2007
Msg: 253
girl who wants to take it slow!
Posted: 2/14/2009 7:12:51 AM
My opinion -- you just have NOT 'tripped her trigger'. It would seem she is not infatuated with you to any degree. From many years of experience - I know when a woman is really 'not into me' and when she is just 'coasting'... This gal is coasting - and it is not a good long term bet that she will ever move in the close knit direction you wish could happen...

When a man really 'rings a woman's bell' - there is no doubt - it is plain and visible from all aspects... "Going slow" means - you didn't ring my bell and well... let's just coast - you're a great distraction from the hum drum of every day life... but...

FTWfella
 x_file
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 254
girl who wants to take it slow!
Posted: 2/14/2009 9:53:54 AM

Fair enough?


LOL! You hold up your side, I will mine - and thus the world turns. If you wish to end the discussion, that's fine. If not, let me know, and I will gladly respond in full.
 star28
Joined: 8/27/2010
Msg: 256
view profile
History
girl who wants to take it slow!
Posted: 3/23/2012 2:47:05 PM
My experience is guys are trying to get you into an exclusive relationship within a couple of dates which is exaspirating because we have no clue who you really are. Most guys objectify, put a woman on a pedestal or simply want a relationship sooo fast that they can't see who you really are and you can't see who they really are. Taking it slow means, let's get to know each other first PLEASE!!
Once you agree to exclusive that just leads to the next step and the next step and that is a HELL of a lot of pressure on a woman.
And I just love those guys who get mad or hurt when you say please slow it down and call you names like prude or tell you you have committment or trust issues... PLEASE!! I just laugh because I know it's just their hurt feelings coming out and THEIR need to control the situation.
I honestly tell men now that it could be a year before I am ready to even discuss marriage/kids and could be up to 6 months before I know if I really want this to be a serious relationship. This is my time frame, I am totally fine being casual during this time. If this is something you are not interested in or can deal with then feel free to walk away... As for sex, well yes that all depends on chemistry and sometimes you have crazy attraction to someone and very hard to control and sometimes it grows slowly. So if we're taking it slow with you there is still a good chance it can lead to sex. My motto is "easy come, easy go" relationships take work and it scares me when a man thinks it's ok to try and committ within the first few dates, sorry, I just think it takes more work and effort and communication and showing the real you and respect and getting to know each other efforts than just saying ok we've been out 2x let's be bf and gf...
Men don't understand this NOR do they care to LISTEN!!!! LISTEN!!! listen to what we are saying... just my two cents :)
 Archangel_07
Joined: 6/21/2010
Msg: 257
girl who wants to take it slow!
Posted: 3/23/2012 3:01:10 PM
What forumhobbit said. Respect her wishes and take it slow. If you care about this female start by respecting her.
 safebetinvegas
Joined: 7/26/2007
Msg: 258
view profile
History
girl who wants to take it slow!
Posted: 3/23/2012 3:56:05 PM
Another interesting dilemma....the 'ol "take it slow" ploy.

Of course, this gal could really be interested in ya but remember that by waiting for her the next ice age is likely to slide by.

Have you given any thought to how long "slow" really is...in terms of months or years ?

If you do choose to "stick-it-out" (no, I don't mean below the belt) beware of and don't be at all surprised by any follow up excuses.

While being tactful, I'd certianly find out some of the details about her past. Why is it that you have to be the choir boy to pay for the sins of her past ?

You may wish to leave her alone until she is over the "hurt" of past relations lest you "write checks" for debts you cannot enjoy.

Also, think about a group date with some of your friends as this will take some of the tension out of the mix and you can get a better vantage point of the situation.

Good luck
 Jerilyn
Joined: 1/13/2012
Msg: 261
girl who wants to take it slow!
Posted: 3/24/2012 9:47:36 AM
""Nobody says you have to be exclusive ""

Whoa, wait a minute... following this advice blindly could kill your relationship before it begins.
You better find out how SHE feels about this, first.
 southernebella
Joined: 3/21/2012
Msg: 262
girl who wants to take it slow!
Posted: 4/1/2012 6:31:33 AM
Amen I love the 3rd line
 WanderingRain
Joined: 3/9/2008
Msg: 263
view profile
History
girl who wants to take it slow!
Posted: 4/1/2012 6:43:14 AM
Nah, go ahead and speed it up.
Life's too short, right? That's really what you want to hear and that's what I'm gonna tell ya.
Everyone on here is gonna advice the opposite. But this is the type of validation you expect so I will give it to you.
The sooner you close the deal, the better, hotshot.
 musical_turtle
Joined: 3/11/2011
Msg: 266
girl who wants to take it slow!
Posted: 4/1/2012 5:38:39 PM
If you really like this girl...then you'll respect her, and take it slow. =)
 licoricecat_1
Joined: 11/23/2008
Msg: 267
view profile
History
girl who wants to take it slow!
Posted: 4/1/2012 5:58:39 PM
take it slow and show her that you respect her and have interesting dates where you have fun and laugh. You do not need sex to have fun. Do not pressure her in this area or she will leave. If you take the time, you might grow to love her other areas in her life.
 1womanman33
Joined: 3/25/2012
Msg: 268
girl who wants to take it slow!
Posted: 4/1/2012 6:06:40 PM

why is it that so many guys hear "take it slow" and assume that means forever???

why is it that so many guys assume that "a relationship" entailed eyeball to eyeball intensity?

Why is that so many guys think "instant intimacy" is a requirement?

would YOU want to become vulnerable someone who "gets intimate" with anybody anytime that appeals right away???
think on that


Responding to generalizations with generalizations does no one any good. Experience has shown me that women typically have fears that are alleviated when they want to be around someone. In other words, if you have to convince an insecure woman, you'll always be convincing her in some capacity. In contrast, if she's typically attracted/turned on by the guy she's seeing, her fears are not nearly as pronounced. Perhaps people should be more clear about their ideas of intimacy since not having it happen the way they want does so much damage. It's like driving for the first time without training because you imagine it to be such an amazing experience. That's all well and good...unless someone crashes into you. Sex/intimacy needs to be openly discusses...but people have a hard time doing that for so many reasons. Just like a man is told to be honest...so should women. Say, "I don't want to sleep with you in the immediate future"...it's not romantic or whatever, but it is HONEST. And that seems to be the crux of this thread.
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