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 x_file
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 60
girl who wants to take it slow!Page 2 of 11    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11)

That's just female code for, " I have a lot of guys on the hook right now. You aren't quite doing it for me, so I want to keep you hangin' while I check these other guys out."

Give her your number and tell her to call after she's done with therapy.


I second that.

Also,



~ As I mentioned above deliberately postponing or avoiding anything that is natural will have a detrimental effect on a relationship. The problem is not so much that sex is necessary. The problem is why is it being avoided. While there is no specific time frame once one realizes there is deliberate avoidance all sort of red flags are raised. (datingPosts10041657.aspx - 70 - dave1234)


In other words, people who have the hots for each other don't take it slow. It's basically an universal principle. So, if a man or a woman, wants to take it slow, something is likely wrong.

I can't possibly imagine someone who gets the opportunity to get what they want say to themselve, "I will take it slow". Passion often overrides reason, and as such, the thought of "I will take it slow" does not cross the mind of a person who is in love/passionate.

Just out of curiosity, how many of you had successful relationships which started with, "I would like to take it slow"? (Rhetorical... you are on a dating website)
 Howard_1970
Joined: 1/11/2009
Msg: 61
girl who wants to take it slow!
Posted: 1/17/2009 7:10:36 AM

In other words, people who have the hots for each other don't take it slow. It's basically an universal principle.


I am a universal fluke, apparently.

My ego (or other parts) do not need to be stroked for my instant gratification. Sex is a great thing and I’ve no lack of drive. I enjoy a period of intellectual foreplay and getting to know someone before intercourse. There are several reasons for that. One BIG one is that talking to a woman about sex—what she likes, doesn’t like, wants to try or not, etc.—should make you better at satisfying her. Assuming you pay attention (both when she’s talking and in bed).


Just out of curiosity, how many of you had successful relationships which started with, "I would like to take it slow"? (Rhetorical... you are on a dating website)


Just out of curiosity, how many of you had successful relationships which started with moving quickly to sex, "Let’s not take it slow"? (Rhetorical... you are on a dating website)
 chatte
Joined: 6/7/2008
Msg: 62
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girl who wants to take it slow!
Posted: 1/17/2009 7:39:12 AM
Yes, and when that passion overrides reason, eventually you stop long enough to catch your breathe and reason slides back in again. It is then that you realize your passion made you miss all the red flags you should have been seeing and then you're whining on a thread on pof about how you slept with him/her and he/she turned out to be a jerk and...

OP, be very careful about the people you take advice from on this thread. Several of them are either so jaded or burned they give advice based on their own inadequacies in relationships or they are so miserable in their own lives they feel the need to give advice that would lead others to be miserable. It's a game to them to mess with others.

I agree with one of the posters above who said that when she is serious about someone, she takes it more slowly. When you care, it matters to you how the relationship progresses. It matters what the other person thinks of you and is feeling. When you let the relationship build, each new "layer" builds itself on the strength of everything that comes before. And if there's a glitch on the way it's strong enough to get through it as opposed to shattering for small, stupid things like so many relationships do.


I can't possibly imagine someone who gets the opportunity to get what they want say to themselve, "I will take it slow". Passion often overrides reason, and as such, the thought of "I will take it slow" does not cross the mind of a person who is in love/passionate.


It certainly does cross or minds! I have never gone on a second date with someone that by the end of the first date I couldn't envision myself boffing him to exhaustion. It's called restraint. Those of us who prefer to not sleep with everything that owns a d*** have the ability to exercise it. It doesn't mean that the passion isn't there. The point where you can open yourself up to someone emotionally and sexually is amazing and liberating. For some, that requires trust. Trust doesn't occur overnight, it builds. That's not a trust "issue", it's just a matter of taking time to get to the point where there is trust. Lo and behold, that usually mean taking it slowly.
 ernstt
Joined: 12/20/2008
Msg: 63
girl who wants to take it slow!
Posted: 1/17/2009 8:33:21 AM
for a woman to want to go at her own pace with you is normal, you should respect that

if a woman is treating you in certain ways because of how she feels about those who have gone before you, she should address her own problems, maybe get help, because you deserve respect too
 mysteriosa
Joined: 5/19/2006
Msg: 66
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girl who wants to take it slow!
Posted: 1/17/2009 12:09:36 PM
I can understand where she is coming from. Taking it slow is probably the best way to find out whether someone wants a relationship or just a fling. It also filters out those who might be lying as they can't usually keep up a pretence for long. It doesn't sound like she's saying she doesn't want a relationship with you, just that it will take her time to trust that you do too. Just get to know her as a friend and make it clear you'd like it to be more in the long run. That way, hopefully, you'll avoid the friends zone and give her the time to trust you. Good luck.
 good_girl39
Joined: 9/17/2008
Msg: 68
girl who wants to take it slow!
Posted: 1/17/2009 1:35:54 PM
OP, it has been MY experience that after someone has hurt me I feel like the best way to get over all the issues there were with that person is to hopefully meet someone different. And if i did meet someone else i am hopeful that it will be a better relatioinship this time. If i tell them i want to take it slow because of my past relationship experiences, that is REALLY my way of telling them in a nice way that i am not into them like that but, i really dont want to be completely alone either. Especially if we have been around each other more than just a few times.I also think that she is just keeping you around til she finds someone she is REALLY into as far as a relationship. She just isnt feeling it with you in that way. You should probably take it as a friendship with the realization that it probably wont be anything more and keep looking for someone that wants the same from you that you want from them. Hope you dont get your heart broken by her. But if you do, lesson learned and just keep movin on.
 GentleDoc01
Joined: 12/25/2008
Msg: 71
girl who wants to take it slow!
Posted: 1/17/2009 2:54:31 PM
Let me put a different slant on this.

When someone has something happen over and over again, what part is he/she playing in creating that result? What could this young lady be doing to contribute to getting her heart broken? Does she get close, then get scared and create a reason for the guy to leave? I've been pushed out of a relationship, and when I finally said "goodbye", I was identified as the bad guy! Pretty good trick, huh?

I'm not saying that this sounds like the case, but find out more about her experiences and see if there is a trend there to be aware of.
IMHO
 GentleDoc01
Joined: 12/25/2008
Msg: 73
girl who wants to take it slow!
Posted: 1/17/2009 3:03:21 PM
Playing games... You just set "men" back how many years? And you're telling this to a 20 yr old. DON'T LISTEN TO HIM!
 dolcesempre
Joined: 7/31/2008
Msg: 76
girl who wants to take it slow!
Posted: 1/17/2009 5:19:56 PM
I completely agree, good things come to those who wait.
 sammylg
Joined: 12/20/2006
Msg: 78
girl who wants to take it slow!
Posted: 1/17/2009 6:45:58 PM
"i really like this girl and just wandering how could i turn this into a relationship?"

The oneandonly23, if I can give you one piece of advice. Sex doesn't often define a romantic relationship. I have been in relationships when I knew I was in a romantic relationship where we called each other "GF/BF", but there was no sex.
 KTDID78
Joined: 1/27/2007
Msg: 81
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girl who wants to take it slow!
Posted: 1/17/2009 8:09:22 PM
Go slow, build that trust and make her feel safe and secure. If you really like her, this should be what you're doing anyways.
 Capitano_Blaugh
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 83
girl who wants to take it slow!
Posted: 1/17/2009 8:49:19 PM

If a man isn't willing to take things at my pace, he's not worth dating.


Ah, yes... a clear illustration why the OP and guys in similar situations should walk away more often than they do....

YOUR pace, YOUR rules.... YOUR control over the whole situation....

... women who want to control the whole thing are not worth dating....

 chatte
Joined: 6/7/2008
Msg: 85
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girl who wants to take it slow!
Posted: 1/17/2009 11:16:01 PM

Many have told me after FIVE MINUTES of meeting the guy for the FIRST TIME, she calls him on his cell phone, just minutes after meeting, and she "just has to see him now"! If you're a dum-dum you don't know what that means. And yet, they STILL swear when they tell me that "they always take it slow"! Yeah, right!


To some degree you're right and I said that in a previous post in a thread. It has nothing to do with lack of attraction or lack of passion or interest.

I know pretty quickly whether there is a sexual attraction and whether or not I would ever have an interest in sleeping with a person. Here's the difference: Not all of us always act on that passion right away. Some of us want the emotional passion to go along with the physical and prefer to wait until those two come togther.

As far as control goes, Capitano, it IS about MY pace, MY rules ~ this is MY life, body and heart that I am in charge of. But it's also about HIS pace, HIS rules. He has to set the barometer of those, I can't.Not one person controlling the other but two people comminucating with each other and finding their common ground so that both of their emotional and physical needs are met. Wow, what a concept, communication, compromise and making decisions about the relationship together.

All anyone here needs to do is read the profiles of those that have posted negative remarks about women and "taking it slowly". The common theme on their profiles is "aren't there any real women out there?"..."no game players and liars", etc. The common denominator of all those jaded men isn't women (if that were the case, so many men would not have been able to post remarks contradicting them and agreeing with taking it slowly ~ obviously their experiences with women have been different) the common denominator is YOU. If all you've experienced is women screwing you over, then it's time to take a good hard look at YOU.
 Howard_1970
Joined: 1/11/2009
Msg: 87
girl who wants to take it slow!
Posted: 1/18/2009 7:33:53 AM

If a man isn't willing to take things at my pace, he's not worth dating.
–Kixxie


YOUR pace, YOUR rules.... YOUR control over the whole situation....

... women who want to control the whole thing are not worth dating....
--Captitano Blaugh

Either, HE wants her to move at HIS pace and by HIS rules so HE has control over the whole situation

…or

THEY have to decide if THEIR values are compatible so THEY can play by THEIR *SHARED* rules and *SHARE* control of the relationship.

A woman who knows what she wants and does not want to compromise one of her values—and has TOLD him this—is a control freak? I expect that only men who are controlling (or are emotionally claustrophobic) would be threatened, intimated, turned-off or angered by a woman like that.

--Howard
 Capitano_Blaugh
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 88
girl who wants to take it slow!
Posted: 1/18/2009 7:50:56 AM
A woman who knows what she wants and does not want to compromise one of her values—and has TOLD him this—is a control freak? I expect that only men who are controlling (or are emotionally claustrophobic) would be threatened, intimated, turned-off or angered by a woman like that.


No, it doen't make her a contol freak. I didn't say it did. Those are YOUR words.

My point is that a woman who says, "I'm not having sex with you for xx months, so don't even bother thinking about it," IS attempting to control the situation. There are many women who still look at it as GIVING the guy sex as if the woman is rewarding the guy for his good behaviour with her golden, magical vagina.

I have no problem with a woman or anyone else taking things slowly. I'VE taken it slowly with some women because I was the one who wanted that. My reasons were probably the same or similar to the women who want to take it slow.

However, when a woman says that the whole dance MUST be at her pace or piss off, it's a big red flag. MOST women will tell you that they know within a matter of minutes whether or not they are attracted sexually to a guy, so why waste both of their time holding out for months under the guise of 'Taking it Slowly'?

Cheers.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 91
girl who wants to take it slow!
Posted: 1/19/2009 1:48:40 PM

Ah, yes... a clear illustration why the OP and guys in similar situations should walk away more often than they do....


And instead they become doormats. Guy therapist, listening to all the crap about her previous relationships.
So I am with Capitano on this one.

If she wants to take it slow, I'd tell her, great, let's take it slow, so we are not having the exclusive talk, and you can date whoever you want, and I who ever I want. And if we sleep together it only means we slept together and nothing else. In fact if this doesn't work, let's not worry, we can just be friends.

Actually, what I have found out is that a lot of women hate to be rejected the way they reject the guy, so when you give it back to them with the same dosage, they feel like there's something wrong with them, and then they pursue you even more avidly. So now instead of being the doormat they talk to about the "other guy" you become the "other guy" they tell their doormat that they do not understand. Fair? No, so is life.
 Capitano_Blaugh
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 95
Selfishness versus Consideration
Posted: 1/19/2009 3:32:31 PM

Any man that is not interested in investing their time with a woman is not worth the woman's time.


Absolutely, just as any woman who demands more from a guy than she is willing to invest is not worth the guy's time.

Why waste months while the woman makes up her mind?

BTDT, got the TS....


 Capitano_Blaugh
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 103
girl who wants to take it slow!
Posted: 1/19/2009 6:10:19 PM
The more I read this thread, the more I understand why men get tossed onto the 'Friends Heap', and the more I'm adamant about telling young men to be very careful about a woman who says or intimates ANYTHING about 'Taking things slowly'.....

That goofy phrase is clearly about women sorting men into categories.

.. erm.... friend.... ermmmm.... potential, but don't like his hair.... hmmmm... nice ass, nice hair, nice car, good fun, no amibion, good sex, not good for long term.... hmmmm.... nice job, nice car, good education, shitty in bed, intelligent, good marriage material, could be set up for life.... hmmm... a-hole, makes lots of money, small d!ck, good for trips and bling..... errrm... let's take it slow with him, but I'm hungry and want to go to that new place, so I'll accept with THAT guy....

..... ermmmm...

 Tammy the cat
Joined: 10/17/2008
Msg: 112
girl who wants to take it slow!
Posted: 1/19/2009 10:08:43 PM
OP/i have read some of the posts,yikes! the attitude of some.Look,if you like this girl an really want to be in a relationship,then dont get pushy.Take your time,enjoy time spent together,while quietly enforcing by your words,actions,deeds,responses,attitude displayed,etc... that you are indeed genuine in intent towards her.JUST BE YOURSELF an your genuine caring attitude will come across.Spend time exploring an getting to know her beter/what makes her tick etc...Same time she will learn about you.Dont worry so much over the status of the relationship/enjoy quality time together.If you are right for her ,she will develop feelings for you,becoming more at ease,relaxed as herself as she gets to know you better over time.Not all of us jump straight into relationships without getting to know the person a bit first.Some of us have learnt not to trust straight out,we just need some time to make sure we are not being used etc....the persons traits,charactor or ways that we are being presented with ,is indeed the real thing an not just a front put on for gain.
 Tammy the cat
Joined: 10/17/2008
Msg: 115
girl who wants to take it slow!
Posted: 1/20/2009 12:47:20 AM
I truely do not understand the mentality of some of the posters here!What ever happened to old fashioned values,getting to know someone a bit first,honesty,courtesy an respect.Not all of us want to rush into the bedroom everytime we date someone new.Being strictly monogomous,when i am with someone in a relationship,i am with that person only,not looking for something better.If ,an only if ,the relationship breaks down permanently,after time out to heal,i might go looking again.Everyone moves forward at their own pace,to their own comfort level.We are all affected by our pasts to some degree,personalities,beliefs,upbringing etc.... Not every couple that fall in love,do so on the first meet.I have read cases here where longterm couples happened over a long period of time.The attraction was not immediate.The only reason they now carry single status,is due to the death of their partner.No immediate spark,they still wound up very much in love,very close an happy/in synchro with each other.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 117
girl who wants to take it slow!
Posted: 1/20/2009 6:36:37 AM
I don't buy the taking it slow one bit. In the one hand there are the hundred stories of a woman that told that to a guy, only to find her then sleeping with someone else on the first or second date. But we all know that. I am going to talk about the hundreds of stories you read here of people that took it slow, too slow and then when the woman realize that this may be a good guy to stick around, she realize that she could not turn her feelings of affection to feelings of love and lust and the whole relationship went wrong.

I personally believe that attraction, love, lust whatever you want to call it happen at a more primal level, that when we let our own ideas of comfort and reasoning to get in we start getting mixed signals. This is particularly the case since women have two basic instincts, one is to find the best genes possible, and the other one is to nest. And those instincts are not exactly shared with the same guy. She may feel an incredible desire to bed one man, but realize that he will not stick around, and then find the one that would stick around. The problem is that when she bases her life on the second one, she will be one of these women that marry and later on come to the realization that they were not in love with their husbands, and that the whole thing was to apeace that idea they had on their head of the prince charming and the cinderella story coming to fruition.

So I believe that you need to let your feelings flow. Yes be a little protective because many women have fallen for the player type and have been burned plenty before, but once the walls are up, not even the real one is going to be allowed in.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 118
girl who wants to take it slow!
Posted: 1/20/2009 6:48:28 AM
For those who are approaching this from a monetary standpoint, I agree that while dating and even when involved all should cover their own expenses.

So what you guys are saying is that if she pays her own way, you're ok with taking it slow? If that's the case - then I can't argue with that. No one should expect a guy to spend money on her if she's not sure she wants to get involved in the long run.

I've never told a guy I wanted to take it slow unless I liked them and I felt they were literally pushing me or trying to pair off too fast, and I don't expect someone to pick up the check that I don't like (well I don't like not paying my way regardless, honestly - if I pay my own way, I owe no one anything) but it wouldn't occur to me that someone would say lets take it slow, and then suck a wallet dry.

It's more like let's get to know each other over time and make sure we both want to spend time together...for me the money doesn't apply. Now that we got THAT out of the way, I don't think taking it slow should be much of a problem.
 chatte
Joined: 6/7/2008
Msg: 119
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girl who wants to take it slow!
Posted: 1/20/2009 8:32:33 AM

It's more like let's get to know each other over time and make sure we both want to spend time together...for me the money doesn't apply. Now that we got THAT out of the way, I don't think taking it slow should be much of a problem.


As usual, words of wisdom from DJ.

Now for sestruth.


OR it's the same ole same ole woman cannot stand the male being right while the female is soooooo wrong!
You said: "To some degree you're right and I said that in a previous post in a thread. It has nothing to do with lack of attraction or lack of passion or interest. "

First, I was not quoteing you. I was/am speaking from my real life experiences. What I said is the way women have TREATED me. Like something they would throw into file 13! Secondly, doesn't it have EVERYTHING to do with attraction, passion, interest; or the LACK of it? Either way, they still PLAYED me.


First off, I have no problem telling any man they are r...rig...correct (I'm kidding, ok!!). My arguing here is simply that I don't agree with your point of view ~ how dare I but, yes, I think you are wrong and I have no problem telling you that, either.
You are speaking from YOUR life experiences and I am speaking from MINE and how I, myself, conduct my relationship life. Go back to what I said before, if this has been your experiences to the point that it has altered and tainted your view of and relationships with women, then you need some introspection to see why it is you attract this type of woman. The common denominator here is still YOU.



"I know pretty quickly whether there is a sexual attraction and whether or not I would ever have an interest in sleeping with a person."

And this is THE EXACT POINT all males are making on this and each thread. You females KNOW immediately if you are going to take it any further than the "first meet" with a male. So why the childish kindergarten mind games???


I have never played childish kindergarten mind games with anyone. When I know immediately that there will be nothing further, the man knows it, too. I don't date for the entertainment value of it or because I want to be wined and dined. I am a bit shy and reserved on first meeting someone so for someone like me, trying to fake interest in someone to get something out of them is not a fun activity. If I am attracted to someone, the nervousness and time spent getting to know them is thrilling and fun and exhilerating. If there is no interest, for me, it's exhausting, painful and just not worth it.


"Here's the difference: Not all of us always act on that passion right away. Some of us want the emotional passion to go along with the physical and prefer to wait until those two come togther. "

So you tell us guys, "I want to take it slow", and you never have any intention of seeing or talking to us ever again. Correct?


NOOOOO! And where the f*ck would you get that out of what I said instead of the direct opposite?!!! Are you reading into what I said only the things you want to see? Please take what I say at face value. First meet: this guy's hot, I really like him, I want to know more. Set a first "date". First date: this is great, I really like this guy, this is someone I am interested in getting to know better, I can see having an intimate relationship with. He has the qualities I admire in a man. This one matters to me, I don't want to screw it up. Let's...here it comes...wait for it...take it slowly and let the connection build between us build so that by the time we do have sex we have an emotional and physical connection to each other. 2nd date, and so forth.

Where in all of that do you get that I don't want to see or talk to the guy ever again?!!!!! Chances are that his kisses are giving me a rush and my bones have turned to jello. Doesn't mean I'm going to sleep with him right away. Just means I'm going to have butterflies, a stupid expression on my face all time and walk around "with little wings on my shoes". (Nickelback)



"All anyone here needs to do is read the profiles of those that have posted negative remarks about women and "taking it slowly". The common theme on their profiles is "aren't there any real women out there?"..."no game players and liars", etc."

So FEMALES are never negative? Give me a freakin' break! A large percentage of women's profiles say: "Are there any real guys left out there"? "Don't want any game players or liars". But because it's a female saying it, that makes it a positive thing?


Of course females are negative and I would say them same thing to them ~ and have, on occasion in the forums ~ if that is your life's experience with dating then the common denomintor is always THEM. I have NEVER had a negative relationship with anyone. I've never been screwed over by a guy or taken advantage of or woken up the next morning saying God what did I do or had to ask on the forums, why did he do this to me, etc. So why do you think that is, sestruth? Maybe because I take my relationships slowly, get to know someone first, make sure there is a connection, let the trust build?


We males are looking at the common denominators everyday; the women who have been screwing us decent men over for a jerk and for the simple fact that she "wants to take it slow". We are looking at YOU!


What a "nice guy" thing to say. I suggest a thread search on "nice guy" and you'll see what I mean by that statement. I have never screwed anyone over. Even in my last LTR, where my fiance had an affair with one of my best friends, after the initial shock and anger, I packed up all his things in boxes, that I labeled (!), so that he could be in and out quickly. Although I had friends who were trying to tell me to have a scissor party on all his precious biking leathers, I did not destroy a single item. On the rare occasion we have had to speak with each other since, we can be amicable and not want to slit each other's throats.

Choose to carry whatever anger you want into your next relationships, I choose to carry none.
 chatte
Joined: 6/7/2008
Msg: 122
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History
girl who wants to take it slow!
Posted: 1/21/2009 7:26:51 AM
You find ONE, maybe TWO women in a 5 page thread that supports what you say and therefore, it's the be all and end all TRUTH and the other 5 pages of women (and many men) have no clue what they're talking about??!!!

Unbelievable!!!
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 123
girl who wants to take it slow!
Posted: 1/21/2009 7:31:42 AM
Someone answer my earlier post...

If this is about spending money on someone who's still trying to figure out whether or not she wants to date you seriously (the nerve of women for actually trying to assess this, BTW), and you eliminate this by not spending money on her but instead getting to know her without the expense, then doesn't that fix the problem?

Seems like the men here are upset about the money they spent on someone who didn't stick around. I agree that you shouldn't do that...so don't.
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