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 ExplosiveSheep
Joined: 9/22/2007
Msg: 168
girl who wants to take it slow!Page 4 of 11    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11)
Can I just mention that you quoted me and pinned that quote to Sestruth in an earlier post 1daywalker.

Also I'd like to defend the idea that a girl taking it slow, is sometimes less than willing to put effort into a relationship.

Be it by male design (IE. Dropped market value, 1 man pays for a date, the next man pays for her car, suddenly everyone expects a free car.) or by female greed, or just generic unisex human nature the fact is, there can be an unrealistic expectation that men try harder to please a woman than she is expected to reciprocate.

I had a girl who complained we never talked, she'd message me out of the blue sometimes to say we should talk more and it's my fault for not making the effort more, so I assume she's either the worst person ever at fading herself out of a man's life she's not interested in, or she's just so pleased with herself that she shouldn't need to put any work at all in.

I've been chastised for not seeing interest where there is some, because she gives nothing back and then tells me she's taking it slow. I've been blasted for taking an interest in a woman who flirted with me for a month, yet when I just simply gave her a number she refused to speak with me again and now frowns at me when I see her as if I'm plagued or really into nazi propaganda.

If decent women were easy to read by decent men, more couples would work out. We wouldn't have all this "he cheated on me." "She hates me and ran over my cat." "He beats me bi-weekly." "She crashed my truck into a pack of strolling seniors then told the cops I was driving and fled the scene."

Lets face it, people suck and nobody has any clue how to talk to each other. Oh and when I'd had 3 dates with a girl and I had no spark and thought I wasn't interested I told her. It was hard to do, but I did it. I kinda think it's sad that I can do it and other people claim it's too hard to be possible. Stringing people along is a horrible solution to a common problem.
 luvmygirl
Joined: 1/11/2009
Msg: 169
Lessons I've learned along the way...
Posted: 1/23/2009 5:05:00 AM
Taking it slow is always a good idea. Take the time to get to know each other. Find out if the characteristics you each possess are things that you both can appreciate. Give yourselves the time to see if you are truly compatible.

As far as trust goes...I have had my trust taken advantage of by two men in my life. However...avoiding love for fear of heartbreak will leave you nothing but lonely. You have to take a chance on people!

It is not okay for her to distrust you because men in her past were not trustworthy. You are your own person, and can't be judged on the behaviors of others. I tend to give people my trust...it is up to them to keep it. On the other end of the scale, it sounds like your lady will make you earn it.

So, if she is not the insecure and jealous type...give her some time, she will learn to trust you if you so deserve it. If she is the insecure and jealous type...that won't go away...so you will have to decide if you can happily live with it, or if she isn't really the girl for you.
 chatte
Joined: 6/7/2008
Msg: 170
view profile
History
girl who wants to take it slow!
Posted: 1/23/2009 7:19:07 AM
^^^^ Yup, that's why I stepped away from this thread. (And DJ and Only1Day were doing quite well on their own!)

You can't argue with a misogynist. Their hatred is so ingrained that nothing will change their minds and they will grasp at anything to justify their hatred. It's a waste of time and I prefer not to deal with that sort of misery.

I'm a happy person and I've had wonderful relationships with men. I think they're the coolest things on 2 feet. I am sorry for those that haven't experienced the same. I'll continue on my path and conduct my relationships the way I see fit. If I tell a man that I want to proceed and progress (notice I said proceed and progress ~ as in move forward) slowly and he interprets it otherwise, so be it. His loss.
 laughingwaters
Joined: 12/2/2008
Msg: 171
girl who wants to take it slow!
Posted: 1/23/2009 7:32:24 AM
Do as she ask, and take it slow. But make sure she understands if your going to be there prove to her that not all realationships have to be the way they were for her in the past. Comunication is key and allow her to open up to you, just make sure its what your wanting because is sounds like she's had enough heartache and theres no need for you to do it again to her. Like everyone else has said "good things are worth waiting for".
 Capitano_Blaugh
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 174
girl who wants to take it slow!
Posted: 1/23/2009 1:02:52 PM

And last but not least... you're a****

but not nearly as retarded as "fishin4u266". At least YOU are not a coward and actually post your picture behind your mean, bitter comments.


Not sure if you've read the forum rules, but name callling is not allowed.

To address the rest of your post, I'm not sure how you interpret my comments as "mean" or "bitter". The truth may be stark, but it IS the truth.....

You and the many other women here can blather on about how wrong we are in our take on what a woman means by " I want to take it slow", but you are STILL missing the point that every guy in the forum (I think) has had a similar experience with that statement...

.... and, I'm pretty sure we haven't all been out with the same woman.....

 chatte
Joined: 6/7/2008
Msg: 176
view profile
History
girl who wants to take it slow!
Posted: 1/23/2009 1:17:21 PM

*please refer to the great and wonderful OZ - he was a smartie*


Interesting analogy... considering Oz was a tiny, insecure little man who hid behind a curtain, used a microphone to raise his voice and treated people badly to hide his insecure nature.
 ClearlyAmazingM
Joined: 4/22/2007
Msg: 180
girl who wants to take it slow!
Posted: 1/23/2009 1:57:24 PM
Makes the Relationship much more interesting, That's the way I like it! Piano, Piano



 x_file
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 181
girl who wants to take it slow!
Posted: 1/23/2009 2:56:00 PM

^^^OK....so next time I see a hot guy on the street, I'll just jump him right there and then. After all, to know his name, if he's single, or if he's got a disease is just plain "unnatural". God forbid a woman actually find out more about a guy before she jumps in the sack. Ha.


Don't you think that's a bit extreme? Occasionally I myself exaggerate to make a point, but lets be realistic here.

If you want to jump the guy because that's what really you want to do, and if he is down with it, then go for it. Have a great time.

Regarding STDs, get an STD test before you sleep with the guy. I don't think I have to tell you that, do I? It's simple process and fairly quick.

All in all I can't see it taking more that 2 to 4 weeks for the whole "get to know the other person" process after which you still continue learning about the other person but also enjoying each others company, sexually.

Let me ask you this: What's the time frame for "take it slow"? I know women who take it slow for 6+ months, and that's wrong. You either figure sh!t out in couple of weeks, a month at most, or let the guy go.



Funny thing is, that men tend to frown on women who go this fast when they find out about it from her past, but I guess it's ok as long as they're the ones reaping the rewards.


Excellent! Those are the a$$holes. Next time a guy says something like that to you, don't hook up with him.



Again, this guy has been dating this girl two or three weeks, not months - should she have slept with him within 24 hours? Would he be here posting threads about not knowing where she's been since it wasn't that hard to get in her pants?


I'm not interested in setting specific time lines. All I wanted to point out, is that when two people have the hots for each other, they don't "take it slow" - that very thought doesn't even cross their mind - that's my point.

If the guy posts threads here about his lady being "easy", what does that tell you about the guy?

And the point has nothing to do with getting in your pants quickly as if it's some type of world event competition. On the contrary, if you have the hots for me, for example, would WANT me to get in your pants as soon as possible.



I say as long as you're not spending too much money on her, you should be more than fine with the situation.


Ouch! So if I do spend money on her, I should think she owes me sex?
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 182
girl who wants to take it slow!
Posted: 1/23/2009 3:28:04 PM

Don't you think that's a bit extreme? Occasionally I myself exaggerate to make a point, but lets be realistic here.

There are men here that feel that 2-3 weeks is cause to move on. What's an acceptable time frame for you? Oh, yeah you mentioned you don't do time frames - I suspect that's unless they are too long for you.

If you want to jump the guy because that's what really you want to do, and if he is down with it, then go for it. Have a great time.

Regarding STDs, get an STD test before you sleep with the guy. I don't think I have to tell you that, do I? It's simple process and fairly quick.

If it takes too long for the test to come back, will I lose points for that?

All in all I can't see it taking more that 2 to 4 weeks for the whole "get to know the other person" process after which you still continue learning about the other person but also enjoying each others company, sexually.

That's you. Each person and each couple is different about this...no one is right or wrong. All I am saying is that 2-3 weeks isn't long enough to write someone off as a total villain based on being strung along - can you even technically string someone along for three weeks (outside of a customer service call)?

Let me ask you this: What's the time frame for "take it slow"? I know women who take it slow for 6+ months, and that's wrong. You either figure sh!t out in couple of weeks, a month at most, or let the guy go.

For me the time frame wouldn't be six months....and sure instantaneously might not be good either, but sheesh, less than a month isn't cause to freak out. Some people don't have more than 3-4 dates in that much time.

Excellent! Those are the a$$holes. Next time a guy says something like that to you, don't hook up with him.

Don't worry, I don't bother with these types - my personal choices aren't the issue here. My point is, they are out there, and they contradict all this complaining about waiting too long...

I'm not interested in setting specific time lines. All I wanted to point out, is that when two people have the hots for each other, they don't "take it slow" - that very thought doesn't even cross their mind - that's my point.

Unless they have the common sense not to let that factor run their situation. People CAN control these urges and make sure they're learning what they need to before getting attached. You know, unlike men - women tend to actually get hung up on who they sleep with. Since most men don't have this problem - I can see why they don't get this. A woman will justify a guy that's no good for her if she follows her hormones, and a month isn't always enough time to know he's not boyfriend material.

If the guy posts threads here about his lady being "easy", what does that tell you about the guy?

Same thing a guy who posts that less than a month is long enough to be getting some tail from a woman he's been dating. They're both jumping to conclusions.

And the point has nothing to do with getting in your pants quickly as if it's some type of world event competition. On the contrary, if you have the hots for me, for example, would WANT me to get in your pants as soon as possible.

Wanting is wonderful....if you have any sense of responsibility and are mature by any stretch, you don't bindly act on that want. You make sure it's right for you.

Ouch! So if I do spend money on her, I should think she owes me sex?

LOL...no, but nice try on twisting things. My point is, if you're not bleeding money (and if you are, then stop doing that), what's your hurry? I refuse to believe this is about feelings...I suspect it's more about how fast you get laid and how much money you feel you invested....based on the fact that most of you can't say no when someone demands you take them on a bunch of high priced dates.

If you either found women who don't demand this of you, or grow a set and tell the ones that do demand this stuff it ain't gonna happen, I think you'd be less worried about what you think you're not getting "for" it.
 x_file
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 186
girl who wants to take it slow!
Posted: 1/23/2009 6:49:13 PM

ok x-file ur 26 so uhh yeah..hump doggy hump....as we mature and become more disciplined we can choose to be more human like...You can get hot & bothered & not HAVE to f*ck . Not everybody takes raw sex drive as the ultimate sentiment of affection..any dog can hump.. humpty dance humpty dance uh uh do me baybee lol


<- yes, that is very mature, and so is that ^

And actually nearly everybody takes sex as the ultimate sentiment of affection. If sex wasn't a big deal, then CHEATING should be a big deal as it is "just sex".

I suppose you'd be okay if your boyfriend cheated on you and told you, "it was just raw sex... no affection"?

Try again.



There are men here that feel that 2-3 weeks is cause to move on. What's an acceptable time frame for you? Oh, yeah you mentioned you don't do time frames - I suspect that's unless they are too long for you.


You misunderstood again. I do set time frames, but for me, and me alone. I'm not willing to set a time frame for everyone else to follow.



If it takes too long for the test to come back, will I lose points for that?


If you want ice cream, and I want ice cream and we decide to get ice cream... what points? Now substitute "SDT test" for ice cream. What points? You are getting what you want and I'm getting what I want, it's 1 : 1.



All I am saying is that 2-3 weeks isn't long enough to write someone off as a total villain based on being strung along - can you even technically string someone along for three weeks (outside of a customer service call)?


Yes, but if you say that them I'm going repeat your words to you:



That's you. Each person and each couple is different about this...no one is right or wrong.




For me the time frame wouldn't be six months....and sure instantaneously might not be good either, but sheesh, less than a month isn't cause to freak out. Some people don't have more than 3-4 dates in that much time.


Again that's you, right?



My point is, they are out there, and they contradict all this complaining about waiting too long...


I don't quite understand what you mean. But let me say that I don't really care about a$$holes contradicting anything.



Unless they have the common sense not to let that factor run their situation. People CAN control these urges and make sure they're learning what they need to before getting attached. You know, unlike men - women tend to actually get hung up on who they sleep with. Since most men don't have this problem - I can see why they don't get this. A woman will justify a guy that's no good for her if she follows her hormones, and a month isn't always enough time to know he's not boyfriend material.


Yes, people can control these urges, but that's nasty way of putting it. These urges are more than just urges. In fact these feelings aren't urges at all. It's one thing to want to have sex with anyone, and another to want to have sex with a person who makes you "light up". If you don't make that distinction, then sex is just "an annoyance" that has to be dealt with.

And women don't get hung up on men who they sleep with. That is a myth. Some do, yet the rest use it as an excuse or a way to justify their position. But when you actually look at the how things are, women dump men, men dump women. Women cheat, men cheat. Women initiate divorce, and so do men. And actually women initial divorce 70% of the time.

And men do have "this problem". Though I rather not refer to it as a problem, but rather as what happens to person who cares about another but things don't work out. It's hurt feelings, and both men and women are vulnerable and both suffer equally, it's just that men are though to be though and not show it.



Same thing a guy who posts that less than a month is long enough to be getting some tail from a woman he's been dating. They're both jumping to conclusions.


Are you generally indirect and "sneaky"? If you are going to take a shot at me, do it.

And you are still missing the point. If you have the hots for a guy you will WANT him get your tail. In fact you will be craving for him to get your tail. You will be offering your tail and quickly at that. I've seen what women do, and can do when they want a guy.



Wanting is wonderful....if you have any sense of responsibility and are mature by any stretch, you don't bindly act on that want. You make sure it's right for you.


If you have any sense of responsibility he would wear a condom and you will be on birth control. If you were mature, you will take birth control into account and enjoy sex.

And yes, make sure it's right for you. But if you think a relationship is right for you, but sex is not, you should probably sit on the side lines and figure somethings out.



LOL...no, but nice try on twisting things. My point is, if you're not bleeding money (and if you are, then stop doing that), what's your hurry?


I didn't twist anything, I asked a question. One of the implication of your earlier statement is what I pointed out... there are other implication. I was just checking.



I refuse to believe this is about feelings...I suspect it's more about how fast you get laid and how much money you feel you invested....based on the fact that most of you can't say no when someone demands you take them on a bunch of high priced dates.


Perhaps it is true. But what does it say about the woman "demanding" the high priced dates? If we say, yes, that's true, most guys can't say no to demands, then it follows that most women are b!tches, freeloaders, and exploiters the least. In this case, all is good - she wants high priced dates, he wants sex. Now only if both are honest about the nature of the transaction.
 karma1160
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 187
girl who wants to take it slow!
Posted: 1/23/2009 8:13:17 PM
If you a simmer a pot on the stove and don't let it boil over right away it keeps all its nutrients and goodness because it is not lost in the process of trying to cook it tooo fast. When you heat something up fast it spends all it's energy trying to boil!!!!!
IF you want something to mature naturally then you give it time.
There are things that don't come up right away in relationships if you are still there after getting to actually know the person it is a lot easier to weigh the good with the bad.
Sometimes women who want to take things slow do so because they want to get it right!
 ExplosiveSheep
Joined: 9/22/2007
Msg: 190
girl who wants to take it slow!
Posted: 1/24/2009 1:05:58 AM
Purely from a nutrition and diet stand point, I have to say I agree with Verityone, that is kinda how it works.

Oh and Mzsomebody, I don't really understand why you're insulting the OP, especially since it seems to be in response to something he said in the last few pages but I don't believe he's replied to this thread, at least not recently if he has.

I kinda hope the object of the OP's affection is doing a bit more than****n him around to disuade him from wanting to date her. Lets face it, if she was interested all us bitter single people in this forum thread probably scared him off anyway.

Haha, this whole thread is gettin a little catty.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 191
girl who wants to take it slow!
Posted: 1/24/2009 7:57:19 AM
Ok...I got my coffee ready, let's attack this:

You misunderstood again. I do set time frames, but for me, and me alone. I'm not willing to set a time frame for everyone else to follow.

So it stands to reason that someone who dates you to some extent is going to deal with that time frame. However, not everyone who dates your gender will - just those who date you.

If you want ice cream, and I want ice cream and we decide to get ice cream... what points? Now substitute "SDT test" for ice cream. What points? You are getting what you want and I'm getting what I want, it's 1 : 1.

Being that getting ice cream doesn't require a chaperone, I'm not sure that theory holds much validity. We may both be getting what we want, but not know each other at all or never meet. That's relative.

Again that's you, right?

No, that's some people, which I mentioned. If it were me - I'd say it was me. I don't mix messages. I mean some people but not all people, and not "no" people.

I don't quite understand what you mean. But let me say that I don't really care about a$$holes contradicting anything.

On that, we agree - while I my on occasion find ***holes entertaining, I don't care much for what they say or do in the big picture.

Yes, people can control these urges, but that's nasty way of putting it. These urges are more than just urges. In fact these feelings aren't urges at all. It's one thing to want to have sex with anyone, and another to want to have sex with a person who makes you "light up". If you don't make that distinction, then sex is just "an annoyance" that has to be dealt with.

We're back to the guy on the street, then. Now THIS is me, but I find many women associate with this. To me sex is a requirement for me to get involved as well, but wanting to sleep with a guy and having any relevant information on him that tells me outside the bedroom there's any substance aren't connected. In MY case, sleeping with a guy I think is hot will derail any common sense about him there is. As I get older I find I can separate the two, but my judgement is a lot fuzzier once it crosses that line.

And women don't get hung up on men who they sleep with. That is a myth. Some do, yet the rest use it as an excuse or a way to justify their position. But when you actually look at the how things are, women dump men, men dump women. Women cheat, men cheat. Women initiate divorce, and so do men. And actually women initial divorce 70% of the time.

I said most women, not "women". Of course some women don't get attached to anyone, some men get attached immediately. My point is that most men don't attach like most women do - if all you ever dated were women who didn't get attached from having sex, then you lucked out. It's not a common thing.

And men do have "this problem". Though I rather not refer to it as a problem, but rather as what happens to person who cares about another but things don't work out. It's hurt feelings, and both men and women are vulnerable and both suffer equally, it's just that men are though to be though and not show it.

Hurt feelings are a problem and largely cannot be avoided - but when you can and don't that's just dumb. If you can use your common sense long enough to happily follow your hormones, you'll be hurt less - and that's a fact. For those who want to jump in head first and don't care, fabulous. As we get older tho, some of us want to balance our fun with some sort of rational thinking (well if our feelings are going to be involved anyway).

Are you generally indirect and "sneaky"? If you are going to take a shot at me, do it.

No, I just don't sugar coat my responses - if I wanted to take a shot at you, I'd take a shot at you. Indirect isn't as much fun.

And you are still missing the point. If you have the hots for a guy you will WANT him get your tail. In fact you will be craving for him to get your tail. You will be offering your tail and quickly at that. I've seen what women do, and can do when they want a guy.

Personally, my cravings and my behavior are two different entities. I don't offer tail, I take it - but that's not the point. I tend to have interest in who I am dealing with - I learned when younger that sleeping with a hot guy and waiting for the rest to fall into place isn't a good plan for my best interest. I HAVE (GASP!!) wanted a man that I didn't immediately try to tag because I know lust is one of many things that have to exist to want to date someone. Sounds like you have me all figured out, tho - I guess if you did your argument would make sense. At like age 19, you would have had a point. At 40, you're not even close.

If you have any sense of responsibility he would wear a condom and you will be on birth control. If you were mature, you will take birth control into account and enjoy sex.

Responsibility is one thing. Knowing who you sleep with is another. Again, some men could drill a hole in a tree and it'd pass for a one night stand. Women tend to want to know (early on) there's something attached to the anatomy. I have no children and I am disease free - trust me, it's not by accident. I block the goalie well. When men get pregnant and have children, then I'll exhale on that one.

And yes, make sure it's right for you. But if you think a relationship is right for you, but sex is not, you should probably sit on the side lines and figure somethings out.

Typically, yeah you'd be right - but you got the wrong broad on that one. I won't get involved at all most times, but if I do - consistent, good, and frequent sex is a requirement for my consideration. When I say its right for you, I mean "you" collectively - as in each woman has to find out what she has to find out. Some are looking for husband material, some are looking to be in a relationship, and some are hoping the guy either isn't an idiot or doesn't speak long enough to get thru the sex.

Perhaps it is true. But what does it say about the woman "demanding" the high priced dates?

If you are the type not to do that type thing, who cares what it says about her? Move on.

If we say, yes, that's true, most guys can't say no to demands, then it follows that most women are b!tches, freeloaders, and exploiters the least.

No, it says that men can't say no to demands, period. There's no market for it unless women know some men are gonna do this. It's like the buy a drink for a woman thing. Chicken/Egg. Should men grow a set and stop using drinks for an ice breaker, or should women stop accepting drinks that have no interest in the men offering them? Doesn't matter - what does is that as long as some men offer drinks to get around their gumption, some women will exist who capitalize on free drinks.

In this case, all is good - she wants high priced dates, he wants sex. Now only if both are honest about the nature of the transaction.

If you're referring to the OP, we don't know what she wants or what he wants...he mentioned neither - but a lot of guys assumed it was based on money and sex, and ran with it or it wouldn't have gone in this direction. However if there is a case where two people are of those intentions, then I agree.
 x_file
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 192
girl who wants to take it slow!
Posted: 1/24/2009 11:29:29 AM

Being that getting ice cream doesn't require a chaperone, I'm not sure that theory holds much validity. We may both be getting what we want, but not know each other at all or never meet. That's relative.


We are talking about relationships which kind of requires two people to know something about each other. Wasn't that clear from the context?



No, that's some people, which I mentioned. If it were me - I'd say it was me. I don't mix messages. I mean some people but not all people, and not "no" people.


I meant that is your opinion, not that you do that.



I said most women, not "women".


You did. Just replace "women" with "most women" in my post. It doesn't make much difference.



Hurt feelings are a problem and largely cannot be avoided - but when you can and don't that's just dumb.


I'm not so sure about that. People who actively avoid hurt feelings also, to a degree, avoid life. And if hurt feelings are largely unavoidable, isn't it better to learn to deal with hurt feelings rather than try to avoid them? I say "try" because most of the times we don't know when, where or how our feelings will be hurt.

That said, I think it's important to ask, why does a person's feelings get hurt in the dating/relationship arena? More importantly, as this is more relevant to the question at hand, how does having sex = hurt feelings?

The most commonly stated reasons by women, against sex or casual sex, are:

A) STDs
B) Hurt feelings
C) Pregnancy

One can take precautions against A and C and virtually elimiante the risk of those things. Which means A and C are basically excuses.

I claim that B has little or nothing to do with sex, rape excluded. No woman has ever been able show sex = hurt feelings. When most women do attempt to show sex = hurt feelings, they inevitably show "I thought he would stick around if I gave him sex, but I was wrong, and that pisses me off" or "The **stard used me". I find the latter hilarious as it implies the woman had sex, but didn't want to. If she did want to, then she wouldn't say was used as she got what she wanted. I've never heard someone say, "I got what I wanted, but I was used"!

To get to the subject... "take it slow" is often hesitation, lack of interest, and no attraction, at the very least. When a person claims to like sex, but then says "let's take it slow", which is often another way of saying, "let's delay sex", something is wrong. One doesn't delay the things they like, unless they don't really like them, or something else is wrong.



If you can use your common sense long enough to happily follow your hormones, you'll be hurt less - and that's a fact.


I'm not sure what you are trying to say. Common sense and hormones probably shouldn't appear in the same sentence. The only exception is perhaps in trying to describe teenagers and how their hormones obscure/overwrite common sense. Okay, maybe PSM is another exception.



Typically, yeah you'd be right - but you got the wrong broad on that one.


I wasn't talking about you.

If a person, in general, is ready for a relationship, but not sex, then s/he is not ready for a relationship. Relationships and sex are closely associated. A person who can't see that, in my option, isn't worth dating, and shouldn't date.



No, it says that men can't say no to demands, period.


LOL! Yeah, lets look at only one side of things and avoid the other. Preferably we should examine only the side that helps your case, right?

If a woman is demanding high priced dates, it does say something about her - but of course that doesn't help your case, and you probably regret you brought it up. If a man can't decline such a demand, it does say something about him.



There's no market for it unless women know some men are gonna do this.


Right! Let's blame men for the bad behavior of women. If you are going to make that claim, then I'm going to use it again you and say:

"There's no market for high priced dates, unless men know some women who are gonna do this".
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 194
girl who wants to take it slow!
Posted: 1/24/2009 12:20:20 PM

We are talking about relationships which kind of requires two people to know something about each other. Wasn't that clear from the context?

Sigh. Yes...so again, I ask. What can you possibly know in a couple weeks?

I'm not so sure about that. People who actively avoid hurt feelings also, to a degree, avoid life. And if hurt feelings are largely unavoidable, isn't it better to learn to deal with hurt feelings rather than try to avoid them? I say "try" because most of the times we don't know when, where or how our feelings will be hurt.

It's more realistic to avoid hurt feelings when you can, and deal with them when you can't - however for some avoiding what they already dealt with in the past is the learning curve. Sleeping with a guy who you don't know is a decent guy to bother with is just naturally something you only have to do wrong once.

That said, I think it's important to ask, why does a person's feelings get hurt in the dating/relationship arena? More importantly, as this is more relevant to the question at hand, how does having sex = hurt feelings?

Well, some people have emotional attachments during relationships. Yeah I don't get it either but apparently they do. They fall in love and everything. Crazy ain't it? When things don't go as hoped, people get feelings hurt.

For people who have sex and get that confused with stuff like caring, emotions, attachments and actually liking a person, it heightens the risk of hurt feelings.

The most commonly stated reasons by women, against sex or casual sex, are:

A) STDs
B) Hurt feelings
C) Pregnancy

One can take precautions against A and C and virtually elimiante the risk of those things. Which means A and C are basically excuses.

I claim that B has little or nothing to do with sex, rape excluded. No woman has ever been able show sex = hurt feelings. When most women do attempt to show sex = hurt feelings, they inevitably show "I thought he would stick around if I gave him sex, but I was wrong, and that pisses me off" or "The **stard used me". I find the latter hilarious as it implies the woman had sex, but didn't want to. If she did want to, then she wouldn't say was used as she got what she wanted. I've never heard someone say, "I got what I wanted, but I was used"!

I don't know about all that - but a lot of times a woman will like a guy and hope for more if sex occurs, and give a crap whether after the sex the guy will spend any time with them. Again, I know - crazy thinking, But it happens.

To get to the subject... "take it slow" is often hesitation, lack of interest, and no attraction, at the very least. When a person claims to like sex, but then says "let's take it slow", which is often another way of saying, "let's delay sex", something is wrong. One doesn't delay the things they like, unless they don't really like them, or something else is wrong.

How about you want to make sure nothing is wrong before you go there? The bottom line is that you can't believe someone would want something and actually put off going after it...regardless of the situation it may put them in or regardless of what they don't know. It's caution - maybe not of being in physical danger, but emotional danger.

Hey I love chocolate....love love love it. If I just ate it constantly, that'd be no good for me, it's a great dream to jump into a swimming pool full of melted chocolate, but in reality I'd face some eventual consequences. Some people love to drink, but eventually get conditioned to see the hangover coming the next day, and it makes them think twice once they hit a limit that they know they personally need to adhere to.

As a guy (and not all do this, yeah I know) I realize you'd sleep with a woman with no information about her whatsoever....if she's really single, if she really likes you, who's she's been with, what her intentions are. I don't deny that it must be a good thing to not consider any of that if the sex is good. Some can't enjoy sex without some sort of connection. Some are afraid of how much they like someone and want to make sure there's no obvious risk.

We still don't know the OP was even talking about sex.
 Sowisconsin
Joined: 9/15/2008
Msg: 195
girl who wants to take it slow!
Posted: 1/24/2009 1:02:38 PM
A lot of debate about something that's relatively simple to understand.

She dated someone (or more than one guy) who told her how awesome she was... beautiful, sexy, the girl he'd always dreamed of finding... and she believed everything he said -- jumped in with both feet -- let herself really FEEL something for this guy (or guys)... and got hurt.

Now she's being more careful about LETTING herself get emotionally involved right away. She wants to know the guy is real and what he says is real before she LETS herself become emotionally attached again. It's less about not trusting YOU (OP) than it is about not trusting HERSELF because in the past she made bad decisions and wound up being hurt because of them.

It's called once bitten -- twice shy, guys. This isn't brain surgery.

Overanalyze it all you want but it's not that complicated.
 Capitano_Blaugh
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 197
girl who wants to take it slow!
Posted: 1/24/2009 1:10:58 PM

Now she's being more careful about LETTING herself get emotionally involved right away. She wants to know the guy is real and what he says is real before she LETS herself become emotionally attached again. It's less about not trusting YOU (OP) than it is about not trusting HERSELF because in the past she made bad decisions and wound up being hurt because of them.


Flip this, and it's exactly why the guys here have been saying that they are likely to run if they ever hear that phrase, " I want to take it slow..."

Believe it or not, guys get hurt too and get cautious because of it. I've been hurt by women who want to 'go slow' only to find out she's been banging another guy or find out that after 'going slow' because she wants, she kicks me to the curb and starts going really FAST with some other guy.....

Once bitten, twice shy applies to both sexes....


 x_file
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 200
girl who wants to take it slow!
Posted: 1/24/2009 4:01:49 PM

Sigh. Yes...so again, I ask. What can you possibly know in a couple weeks?


How YOU feel about the person. Not how the person makes you feel. Not how THEY feel about you, but how YOU, and you alone, feel about that person.

As I already said, most women know within 5 minutes if they like the guy or not.



Sleeping with a guy who you don't know is a decent guy to bother with is just naturally something you only have to do wrong once.


Why is it "sleeping with a guy" rather than "getting involved with the wrong guy" that's the problem? Why is it that sex is the problem and not the guy?



Well, some people have emotional attachments during relationships. Yeah I don't get it either but apparently they do. They fall in love and everything. Crazy ain't it? When things don't go as hoped, people get feelings hurt.


I don't think falling in love is crazy. However I find it a bit crazy that people think love will last forever given that experience insists otherwise. I also find it a bit strange that people in general are somewhat convinced that once love is gone, it's gone forever.



How about you want to make sure nothing is wrong before you go there?


Lets say nothing is wrong... how can you be sure nothing will go wrong?

Also, if you really, really, want to make sure nothing is wrong, you will have to examine "the blue prints of the universe", so to speak. In all other cases you have to make a judgment call based on the information you have.

Now I know a lot of women think that more time = more information, but that's really a two edge sword. The more time a woman spends with a guy, and therefore learning about him, the more involved she gets and by the time she has to make a judgment call her judgment is clouded. Not surprisingly, same is true for guys. What do I have to support my claim? Divorce rates - and that's just us "being absolutely sure, s/he was the one". It seems that our best judgment call is only as good as 50/50 - which is hardly a judgment call at all if you can flip a guarder and obtain the same result. But again, this is quite off topic.

On a more relevant note, the only major thing that I think is relevant when it comes to sex, is STDs. If the guy doesn't have STD's and you find him sexually attractive, but say you want to "take it slow", you have personal issues to sort out. By "you" I don't mean you in particular. I'm talking in general.

Now I'm not saying go have sex with a guy who treats you like dirt or one you don't like, but if the basics are met - he likes you, you like him, he's alright, you are alright - I don't see why sex has to wait.

I can't quite put my finger on the reason(s) why the majority of women are hesitant about sex. It's almost as if sex is a commodity which has to be traded very very very carefully, and all conditions and all the stars must be aligned just right, or no sex. I would understand why that might be the case if sex leads to kids each and every time, but that's not the case.



It's caution - maybe not of being in physical danger, but emotional danger.


Fine, lets talk about that. You don't think guys are vulnerable to emotional danger? What should we say about the women for whom "emotional danger" isn't a problem?

What exactly is emotional danger? On a level of 1 to 10 how bad it is compared to say being alone?

Also, is it really "emotional danger", or is it more like " the possibility of getting emotionally hurt"? - which are two different things. In the first you know for sure, in the second is merely a possibility.

What's the worst "emotional danger"? Chocolate ice cream and crying while watching the Notebook because you miss him/her?

I think if you look in to "emotional danger" you will discover that the people most vulnerable to it, are the once who are emotionally unstable - at which point you wouldn't want to date them. Let's be honest, "emotionally cool" people are attractive, "train wrecks" or "drama queens/kings" aren't so much. It's one thing to be emotionally sensitive, and another to be (emo)tionally sensitive. In the first you are human, in the second you are slashing your wrists and bleeding to death in the bathroom cause, "I can't live without him/her."


As a guy (and not all do this, yeah I know) I realize you'd sleep with a woman with no information about her whatsoever....if she's really single, if she really likes you, who's she's been with, what her intentions are.


To begin with, I really don't care if a woman, or anyone for that matter, likes me. What important to me is if I like her. By "I don't care" I mean, "I can't control who likes me or doesn't like me, so no point on caring". That said, I'm interested to know whether she likes me or not because then I can either pursuit things further, or move on. Do you see the difference?

And since a person generally doesn't have sex with someone they don't like, it stands that if a woman has sex with a guy, she at the very least finds him a bit attractive - which is another reason why "let's take it slow" or "let's wait" or "let's delay sex" = no attraction at the very least.

Also, her being single is of little relevance. If she wants to have sex with me, and she isn't single, that's her decision. If her intentions are dishonorable, then she's got issues, and should be surprised if things don't work out. If she is having sex with me for the wrong reasons, perhaps because it's revenge sex, her issue, and shouldn't be surprised if things don't work out. Who she has been sleeping with is her business. What is of my concern is that she doesn't have STDs and is healthy.



We still don't know the OP was even talking about sex.


Most likely it is about sex or things that lead to sex... like a relationship.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 201
girl who wants to take it slow!
Posted: 1/25/2009 10:38:06 AM

How YOU feel about the person. Not how the person makes you feel. Not how THEY feel about you, but how YOU, and you alone, feel about that person.

As I already said, most women know within 5 minutes if they like the guy or not.

It stands to reason (for some of us anyway) that once we know what we want and like, that the feeling is mutual, and that the other person isn't just going along with it because there weren't other options.

Why is it "sleeping with a guy" rather than "getting involved with the wrong guy" that's the problem? Why is it that sex is the problem and not the guy?

I explained this a few times already, but you don't know the guy is a problem before the sex unless you take the time to find that out. For some, knowing that before you get to that point is just better. Some people don't clearly check a person out once the sex starts and the hormones are running things.

I don't think falling in love is crazy. However I find it a bit crazy that people think love will last forever given that experience insists otherwise. I also find it a bit strange that people in general are somewhat convinced that once love is gone, it's gone forever.

I'm with you until the last sentence, which I don't get the context of. Gone forever in THAT relationship or gone forever for life?

Lets say nothing is wrong... how can you be sure nothing will go wrong?

You can't. But you can pretty much assess what type of person you're dealing with early on if you pay attention.

Also, if you really, really, want to make sure nothing is wrong, you will have to examine "the blue prints of the universe", so to speak. In all other cases you have to make a judgment call based on the information you have.

Exactly...and so if you have little to no information outside of getting butterflies over someone when you see them, you'd want to be sure there's not more to it.

Now I know a lot of women think that more time = more information, but that's really a two edge sword. The more time a woman spends with a guy, and therefore learning about him, the more involved she gets and by the time she has to make a judgment call her judgment is clouded. Not surprisingly, same is true for guys. What do I have to support my claim? Divorce rates - and that's just us "being absolutely sure, s/he was the one". It seems that our best judgment call is only as good as 50/50 - which is hardly a judgment call at all if you can flip a guarder and obtain the same result. But again, this is quite off topic.

Actually a lot of men think that too, nice try tho. More time can equal more information, and although you can never know everything about a person after being married for years, you can find out a lot more early on after meeting a complete stranger than you would know if you spent NO time with them.

On a more relevant note, the only major thing that I think is relevant when it comes to sex, is STDs. If the guy doesn't have STD's and you find him sexually attractive, but say you want to "take it slow", you have personal issues to sort out. By "you" I don't mean you in particular. I'm talking in general.

We all have personal issues to sort out, based on what we've already ignored with previous "partners" and realized we should have paid attention to.

Now I'm not saying go have sex with a guy who treats you like dirt or one you don't like, but if the basics are met - he likes you, you like him, he's alright, you are alright - I don't see why sex has to wait.

It doesn't matter why you don't see it. If both people aren't ready to go, and one needs to feel comfortable with it within reason, then it's not a done deal. The alternatives may be for the guy to get sex elsewhere, or wait it out, or continue to date (this early on I would assume both aren't that serious anyway) or whatever, but if she's not comfortable then sex with her isn't an option at that time.

I can't quite put my finger on the reason(s) why the majority of women are hesitant about sex. It's almost as if sex is a commodity which has to be traded very very very carefully, and all conditions and all the stars must be aligned just right, or no sex. I would understand why that might be the case if sex leads to kids each and every time, but that's not the case.

Women tend to get more attached once sex starts happening. If you're not a woman, you'd naturally not get that. There are exceptions, but for the most part it's not a bargaining chip. She not only has to want to, but feel she's ready to and it's in her best interest. Men don't care, I get that. Women do.

Fine, lets talk about that. You don't think guys are vulnerable to emotional danger? What should we say about the women for whom "emotional danger" isn't a problem?

I think guys aren't vulnerable to it sexually, no. Not in the same way women are. Men and women for the most part are wired differently. For women where emotional danger isn't a problem, I'd say they were lucky.

What exactly is emotional danger? On a level of 1 to 10 how bad it is compared to say being alone?

Being alone has nothing to do with being attached to someone who's not into you as much as you hope they are. Being alone is better, actually - there's no BS in that scenario.

Also, is it really "emotional danger", or is it more like " the possibility of getting emotionally hurt"? - which are two different things. In the first you know for sure, in the second is merely a possibility.

Whatever - to me they are the same. So yeah - that's what I meant.

What's the worst "emotional danger"? Chocolate ice cream and crying while watching the Notebook because you miss him/her?

Ew, let's hope not. That's pretty bad. For those who watch those movies and cry I guess it's not. I wouldn't know.

I think if you look in to "emotional danger" you will discover that the people most vulnerable to it, are the once who are emotionally unstable - at which point you wouldn't want to date them. Let's be honest, "emotionally cool" people are attractive, "train wrecks" or "drama queens/kings" aren't so much. It's one thing to be emotionally sensitive, and another to be (emo)tionally sensitive. In the first you are human, in the second you are slashing your wrists and bleeding to death in the bathroom cause, "I can't live without him/her."

True, but you can't say people who are being cautious are automatically nut cases. Tho the two may be apparent in one person, one doesn't automatically mean the other is true.

To begin with, I really don't care if a woman, or anyone for that matter, likes me. What important to me is if I like her. By "I don't care" I mean, "I can't control who likes me or doesn't like me, so no point on caring". That said, I'm interested to know whether she likes me or not because then I can either pursuit things further, or move on. Do you see the difference?

What's the difference between you finding out if a woman likes you back, and a woman finding out the same? Oh yeah I know. Most women won't bother with you at all if she's not into you, whereas there are men that will if there's nothing else on the horizon. Which is why women are more cautious.

And since a person generally doesn't have sex with someone they don't like, it stands that if a woman has sex with a guy, she at the very least finds him a bit attractive - which is another reason why "let's take it slow" or "let's wait" or "let's delay sex" = no attraction at the very least.

A woman can want sex and even have sex with a guy but want to stop, back off and know where he stands. It happens. You can draw up as many equations as you want.

Also, her being single is of little relevance. If she wants to have sex with me, and she isn't single, that's her decision. If her intentions are dishonorable, then she's got issues, and should be surprised if things don't work out. If she is having sex with me for the wrong reasons, perhaps because it's revenge sex, her issue, and shouldn't be surprised if things don't work out. Who she has been sleeping with is her business. What is of my concern is that she doesn't have STDs and is healthy.

Well there ya go, basically her story doesn't matter to you if you want to sleep with her, and so by right, you wouldn't understand the whole thing. If you'd sleep with a married woman without even wanting to know if she is, that explains a lot. Most women would rather avoid sleeping with a married man unless they specifically want to avoid any type of serious relationship. And since we care, and most married men will hide that information, it's one more reason to take our time and find out what we can before we get involved in any way.
 x_file
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 203
girl who wants to take it slow!
Posted: 1/25/2009 4:59:09 PM
djchickie401,

Did someone hurt you in the past?

Only a person who mistrusts others, and believes that other people, men in this case , are untrustworthy, is so careful, wants assurances, security, commitment, and to know that everything will be okay, that "you won't hurt me".



Bottom line: Take it slow, don't rush her. When she's ready she's ready.


Bottom line: She should have been ready before she decided to start dating. She can get ready on someone else's clock. There are plenty of women out there who are ready now.
 Capitano_Blaugh
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 205
girl who wants to take it slow!
Posted: 1/25/2009 5:44:42 PM

Well, men can choose to run or they can choose to understand that not all women are alike.


That is getting to be such a tired response to responses. As true as it may be, there often ARE things that ARE generally true....


A woman wanting to take things slow does NOT mean they are out banging someone else.


I don't recall ANY guy saying that this is what happens EVERY time with EVERY woman.

Many of us, though, seem to have had this same experience.


But, it seems to be perfectly ok to catagorize all women together and not give consideration to the fact that not all of us are trying to see how many men we can sleep with at once and that not all women play head games with men.


Please show me the post where anyone has said that it is fine to 'categorize all women together'.

Again, why is it so difficult to understand the simple fact the every guy (?) who has posted here has had the SAME experience when a woman has told them that the woman wants to "take things slowly".

No, occasionally a woman who wants to 'take things slowly' IS actually interested in the guy. Great! Excellent! Perfect! No one is saying there's anything wrong with that......

... BUT, we all learn, hopefully, from our experiences.

Sure, if a guy hears that once from one woman and she kicks him to the curb, he's likely to write it off as a one time occurance. But what happens the second time? Third time?

It comes down to simple self-preservation mechanisms. Yeah, yeah, give everyone the benefit of the doubt every time in every situation despite similar patterns or situations......

.... frickin' humans woulda died out a couple of million years ago....

 sweet_n_heart
Joined: 1/31/2007
Msg: 209
girl who wants to take it slow!
Posted: 1/25/2009 6:37:02 PM
Why is taking it slow a big deal for you? There's nothing wrong with taking things slow.. Take your time you have a better chance of haven a successful relationship but go too fast and you risk anything you too could of had. If you can't respect her wishes and wait, then maybe should just move on.
 Capitano_Blaugh
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 210
girl who wants to take it slow!
Posted: 1/25/2009 6:45:56 PM
I'm sorry to hear that you're so jaded Capitano


Well, geez, thanks, I guess. Of course I'm jaded, no secret there. I'm also a skeptic and very cynical when it comes to love and relationships.....

.... but what does that have to do with what I posted?

Sometimes discussing things with women is so.... odd......

 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 211
girl who wants to take it slow!
Posted: 1/25/2009 7:04:00 PM

djchickie401,

Did someone hurt you in the past?

How'd we get back to me again? Sure, we've all been thru crap, and in my case long before I was old enough to date I was already pretty street smart for other reasons not connected with dating.

Only a person who mistrusts others, and believes that other people, men in this case , are untrustworthy, is so careful, wants assurances, security, commitment, and to know that everything will be okay, that "you won't hurt me".

I'm not looking for commitment, dating, marriage or any of that, and I'm not particularly romantic or emotional about much of anything, but I know a lot of women who are diehard romantics, get attached easily, and consider sex to be a big deal - so I know where they are coming from, even if I don't look at things like they do.

I know people who might want to take it slow to make sure they aren't going to get hurt - and feel that sex isn't something they want to engage in with just anyone or without much thought. My friends (and there are a lot of em) can't be the only women with that train of thought.

Just because I get it, doesn't mean I live it. I realize everyone's different.

Bottom line: She should have been ready before she decided to start dating. She can get ready on someone else's clock. There are plenty of women out there who are ready now.

I agree if sex is more of a concern than where it's coming from, then yeah - you should get it where you can. It's not as much of a scarcity for women, so in some ways I guess we can pick and choose our sources better. I'm not even opposed to prostitution if necessary. Hey, it's clean, there are no strings or wasting time, and no hassle. Since it doesn't matter if she likes you as long as you like her - it should be easy to go that route knowing the money is the draw. I think more men should go down that road if that's the objective.
 ExplosiveSheep
Joined: 9/22/2007
Msg: 213
girl who wants to take it slow!
Posted: 1/26/2009 4:59:36 AM
I said:
Oh and Mzsomebody, I don't really understand why you're insulting the OP, especially since it seems to be in response to something he said in the last few pages but I don't believe he's replied to this thread, at least not recently if he has.


MzSomebody, you said:
uhh page #8 message#99 maybe check it out more thoroughly before you comment on it then?


Maybe this wasn't in response to me, I certainly hope not seeing as both message 99 and 199 (i checked to be sure since you also said page 8) aren't posted by the OP. Infact I don't think the OP ever posted after the first topic post.

The OP isn't clearly anything, we got little to no info, what we do have is really ambiguous, infact what we have here is about 10 pages of speculation and bickering. Normally I love this stuff but I'm struggling to find a coherant thought anywhere. Just "Men suck" and "Women suck".

Lets face it, none of us would be here if we either A) Dating worked the way it should or B) We really were as awesome as we thought we were. I mean honestly, this thread is a bunch of lonely singles arguing over who is the authority on dating...

That's like an obese woman in a wheel chair with a degenerative bone disease claiming to be the authority on Mixed Martial Arts.
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