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Show ALL Forums  > Single Parents  > whats wrong with me sheltering my son from my dateing      Home login  
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 Rebekah80
Joined: 10/29/2008
Msg: 1
whats wrong with me sheltering my son from my dateingPage 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
I have talked to a bunch of guys now and I'm straight up about me having a son and him having a great Dad and that I don't need a "Baby Daddy"....... I'm not sure if its the fact that the man wants to feel needed or wants me to be a gushing girl but I seem to offend them when i say that my son is a separate issue and that they wont meet him unless I think that we will have a future together... IE longer than 6 months or so... I don't want my son to see a stream of different me (not saying that there is lol) I just don't think its healthy for him to be exposed to a bunch of people that may or may not be a part of his life....

any help would be good
 Alabamamam
Joined: 4/8/2008
Msg: 2
whats wrong with me sheltering my son from my dateing
Posted: 1/15/2009 5:33:29 PM
THere were a bunch of similar threads done already...
But my 2c many men will see you as a whole package with a kid. And they may need some time around you and the kid to see how it feels for them and can they or not take it on a higher level.
 Rebekah80
Joined: 10/29/2008
Msg: 3
whats wrong with me sheltering my son from my dateing
Posted: 1/15/2009 5:51:22 PM
Thanks, I was starting to think I was being to controlling, but I figured that the ones that were bothered wernt for me and it was better to find out sooner than later
 Lady Sylver
Joined: 1/10/2009
Msg: 4
whats wrong with me sheltering my son from my dateing
Posted: 1/15/2009 5:54:21 PM
I agree with you, Rebekah80. I think your son shouldn't be a part of your dating until you feel like the man will be around a while. It's not fair to him to have to deal with the loss of a friend if things don't work out between the two of you. But I see Alabamaman's point too. One way you might handle this if you think the relationship will go that far, is to take your son to the park and let the man be around, watching how you and your son interact. You don't have to introduce them, or you can introduce him as a friend after a few times. Just something to think about.
Another consideration is protecting your son against someone who may not be as nice as they first seemed.
Lots to think about. Good luck.
 lorelei540
Joined: 8/14/2008
Msg: 5
whats wrong with me sheltering my son from my dateing
Posted: 1/15/2009 6:57:31 PM

I just don't think its healthy for him to be exposed to a bunch of people that may or may not be a part of his life....

Are you also sheltering your son from your platonic male friends? Female friends? Workmates? Relatives who live far away so he won't see them regularly?

Kids aren't scarred for life by meeting people who come and go in their lives. If you introduce people as friends and behave appropriately when you're together with your son, then he will see your friend as just another friend, nothing wrong with that.

And there's no way you and a potential partner can get to know each other well if he doesn't see how you are with your child, who is a huge part of your life. I couldn't imagine considering getting serious with someone who didn't also know my kids, especially when they were small (they're teenagers now & practically pushing me out the door to meet people, so it's a bit different).
 Rebekah80
Joined: 10/29/2008
Msg: 6
whats wrong with me sheltering my son from my dateing
Posted: 1/15/2009 7:23:58 PM
Thanks everyone, and I have heard horror stories about inaproprite touching and as for his dad... We are still best friends he is very much a part of his daily life and I'd never change that. If it means I stay single for the next 10 years so be it...
My mom raised me to remember that men are a dime a dozen, but your child is for life. Sounds harsh but in a way it's true.
I'm sorry if this hurt anyones feelings
 312T4
Joined: 12/9/2008
Msg: 7
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whats wrong with me sheltering my son from my dateing
Posted: 1/15/2009 10:18:00 PM
totally agree with you, I also won't let anyone into my son's life unless it became very serious. If guys can't respect that then their not the right ones for you anyway!

Good Luck!
 opnmydm
Joined: 3/23/2008
Msg: 8
whats wrong with me sheltering my son from my dateing
Posted: 1/16/2009 6:52:21 AM
Nothing is wrong with that and you should be applauded for this. it is very unhealthy for them. more people should take this approach.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 9
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whats wrong with me sheltering my son from my dateing
Posted: 1/16/2009 7:17:13 AM
If guys don't get this, it is a good way to weed out the ones that are not going to be supportive of your responsibilities as a mother. On the other hand, depending on the age of the child, it is okay to at least have your date and child be introduced to each other. Maybe grab a bit to eat 2-3 or something months in.

An actual concern that someone dating you might have is whether your child is going to be a nightmare to be around. The way I have come to look at this is that people get way too mental about meeting dates. If you don't make a big deal out of the date, the kid doesn't and of course, you do wait several months at least before your boyfriend would spend like the day with you and your son. A movie, meal, or quick trip to the zoo would be fine 2-3 months.

People come in and out of our lives all the time but it is only with the significant other that people get so paranoid. When you make a new friend, you don't want to do a background check and otherwise have them in our life but separate from you kid for 6 months. Just be reasonable and smart, take your child's age into consideration and if a guy seems to balk when you say your kid is separate, don't automatically think he is daft, ask him why it bothers him. He may have dated someone for six months only to find out that her kid(s) are holy terrors.

You know, it occurs to me that part of the problem is that the way you say it (?) may make them feel like you and your X have this thing that he would always be the outsider looking in. Your X sounds like a nice guy, the kind of guy a new guy could get along with. Maybe work that into the conversation somewhere and you might get a better reaction.
 Rustmouse2000
Joined: 5/24/2008
Msg: 10
whats wrong with me sheltering my son from my dateing
Posted: 1/17/2009 11:24:26 AM
I'm of two minds on this -

Your son doesn't need to see a parade of 'uncles' wading through his emotional kiddie pool - reinforcing the feeling that nothing is steady in his life and that he only has himself to be concerned with. You're right in holding off introducing your men into his life until you have some confidence and longevity to the relationship.

On the other hand, you can't wait so long that the guy and you are deeply attached, and then spring it on your son, only to find out that the guy and your son are completely incompatible for some reason (the guy doesn't really like kids, the guy's child-raising ideas are stupid and dangerous, etc.)

Relationships and breakups are a normal part of adult life, the kid should understand that. You have a strong desire to protect your son, the man should understand that. If you have trouble with relationships that don't last, you certainly don't need to bring them home.

You have to find a balance - I don't wait 6 months, and I don't spring them on the first date, but I do tend to introduce the kids fairly early. Mine are 13 and 10, and less likely to try to replace mom with dad's girlfriend, so for me, taking the kids along with the girlfriend for 'family time' is not a big problem. I have several girls who are just friends, as well, so my children understand and we don't have quite the emotional issues that come along with serial dating...
 TragicallyHip
Joined: 11/28/2006
Msg: 11
whats wrong with me sheltering my son from my dateing
Posted: 1/17/2009 3:31:15 PM
My vote is to keep it separate until you know you got a keeper. I grew up with a series of stepmothers and always felt my dad put his women before us kids. It was not a feel good.

Now as a single mother, I keep my dating life separate. Maybe I've overcorrected by being too stringent on keeping my life so compartmentalized, but I think it's better for my daughter and me if I do. I only get one night a week off -- and during that time I want to be a woman, not mommy. Trying to manage the relationship between my kid and my date would just be a buzz kill.

Obviously if I ever got to the point where I felt the benefits outweighed the risks, I'd make the effort. But in the meantime, I'm happy to make the sacrifices I have to to make sure my kid's life is stable and as strife-free as possible.

I understand the argument about friends etc being a part of the kid's life so what's the difference, but there IS a difference. The relationship between lovers is WAY more loaded and threatening to a kid than a friend.

My daughter's dad remarried a couple of years ago, and even though she likes the stepmom, she still had lots of fears (what if they had a baby and I was replaced? Will Daddy still have time for me? Crap! Now that means mommy and daddy will NEVER get back together) which were all natural and managable but pointless if there really isn't any real threat of that happening except in the kid's mind.
 freetime2bme
Joined: 1/16/2006
Msg: 12
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whats wrong with me sheltering my son from my dateing
Posted: 1/18/2009 9:50:59 AM
I read most of these post and shake my head. My girls have meet seveal of the women I have dated and have been at the beach with me when I meet a girl that I started to date. Them meeting these women has not impacted them negativly at all, in fact they seem to like seeing me happy and dating is something I like to do. They like when I take them to a movie or out to eat with a date also, or when a date come to our house. The kids that are hurt or confused because a parent is dating or because they stop dating someone the kids meet make no sence at all to me. May be my girls are just better ajusted.
 FriendSeeking765
Joined: 7/20/2008
Msg: 13
whats wrong with me sheltering my son from my dateing
Posted: 1/20/2009 8:45:29 PM
As a dad with two elementry school kids, I'm not planning to introduce them until we've been dating 12 - 18 months. Feel it should be only when it is a certainty.
 freetime2bme
Joined: 1/16/2006
Msg: 14
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whats wrong with me sheltering my son from my dateing
Posted: 1/21/2009 11:33:50 AM
I am still shaking my head at how many posters think someone they are dating has a bigger impact on their then a teacher, coach or any number of other men and women that they meet regularly. Do they home school them because they don't want them hurt when they would have to more on to a new teacher next year? Do they leave them off the swim team because the coach might move? No, but these people have as much or more impact then does a date. Having done over 20 years in the army saying good bye was something we learned to teach are kids and although never easy it is an important life leason. I think it would be strange to lock a kid away from the world, because you do not know if the persons they will meet might not be around tomorow, but it sounds like that is what some of the posters do.
 freetime2bme
Joined: 1/16/2006
Msg: 15
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whats wrong with me sheltering my son from my dateing
Posted: 1/21/2009 12:20:19 PM
What does it matter if a kid bonds with some on at school, on the swimm team, at church or at your home, what is the big differance? For my girls there is not one. They miss teachers or coaches as much as any one I have dated, that was my point. Also my point is they know how to deal with it. Your not wanting to date a military guy is cool lots of people find hard to do, just like lots of people find it hard to date a single parent.
 mzblueyedgirl66
Joined: 1/20/2008
Msg: 16
whats wrong with me sheltering my son from my dateing
Posted: 1/27/2009 4:55:16 PM
HI,
I am in the same boat. I have a 9 year old daughter who is very insistent that I DO NOT DATE... lol I absolutely refuse to involve her in my "personal" life. She will not be introduced until I feel the timing is right, well, for that matter, the guy has to be the right one. I have come across a few guys who just don't understand that at all.... Well, too freakin' bad. Stick to your guns on this one, you are in my opinion making the right decision about keeping your boy out of the situation. Oh and don't be shocked to find out that some men won't touch you with a ten foot poll because you DO have a child.. I am so sick of that one... Too bad for them.. Good Luck,

Christine..
 puffysong
Joined: 1/21/2009
Msg: 17
whats wrong with me sheltering my son from my dateing
Posted: 1/28/2009 7:51:16 AM
I totally agree with you. I have a daughter and she has knowledge that I have a "friend" but that is all. she will meet him when and if I think there is something there. I have to trust the person 100% before she meets him.
good for you!
 ChocolateNutt
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 18
whats wrong with me sheltering my son from my dateing
Posted: 1/28/2009 4:01:26 PM
Nothing is wrong with you sheltering your child from your dating. There are pros and cons to both keeping dating private and making dating a public part of your life. It's all about personal choice for you.

Keeping dating hidden can ensure that your child doesn't get hurt by a broken attachment to your date.

Making dating just an ordinary part of life teaches you child how to seek and have a normal, healthy relationship. You can point out that you need to get to know someone before you decide if he/she's the right person for you, that you need to choose qualities that are important for the other person to have, how you deal with conflict in a relationship, etc.

Either choice has good points to it. You can't pretend to your child forever, and you can't ensure that they are never hurt be a broken relationship--after all a good majority of single parents got that way because they were in a relationship that ended.

Nutt
 NinjaZX14
Joined: 7/7/2008
Msg: 19
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whats wrong with me sheltering my son from my dateing
Posted: 1/29/2009 6:05:11 PM
Well I am a man as you will see. I have to agree with you on this. I have an issue with my ex involving all the men. Some she just said to them they are just friends and she does nothing around the kids that would show differ (yea I believe this). But I don't they was just friends. But any way she now met a new one. After three months she involved him as boyfriend. She meant him online from Southbend, Indiana. He moved down here right after lives with mom and dad at the age of 36. He says he has a job or he told my son he is a flight instuctor for southwest. He told my son this because my son just told mom I was going to sign us up for pilot lessons. Sorry got off subject. I wish she would I say that is the right thing. I would respect any mother that would do this. Right now I have not slept, can not afford a lawyer to get my kids and as far as I know he is a child mulester fron Indiana. Oh he now tells my son he is a flight controler. But after he said he would give my son flight lessons the day he meet my son. Oh on more thing she also let my girl go with him alone and the my son went with him alone. So if any one is in legal and can help me with the papers to get my kids. I would owe you my life.

Also any mother be safe if you do not run a back ground check on the man you meet and subject him to your kids the father will have a 90% better chance to take them from you. She did not do this so I have a chance if I could afford a lawyer or get some help with the papers. I have a hard time reading and understanding and I don't want to mess this up I am scared for my kids.

Jim
 sara_nikki2406
Joined: 2/4/2007
Msg: 20
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whats wrong with me sheltering my son from my dateing
Posted: 1/29/2009 11:30:57 PM
OP...I agree with you 100%. I do the same thing, and I fully believe it's the best thing for the children! You're doing the right thing!
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