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 Ideoform
Joined: 9/23/2007
Msg: 26
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why do people stay on POF after meeting someone?Page 2 of 19    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19)
Its the Forums for me.

I know most people on PoF don't read the Forums, but it is still one of the largest, most active Forums and its a lot of fun to read.

I put a lot of time into my profile on and off, (I change it a lot, too) so sometimes I feel like its just like having a F a c e b o o k account. Why delete it if you can just change your status to "not single not looking?" And really, anyone can delete and re-sign up any time they want to unless they are being banned by the moderators. I could change my profile every hour...depending on who I think is reading it, couldn't I?

I have dated a lot in the year and a half since I've been on here, one person for 9 months, another for 3 months and a few in-between. But mainly I like meeting people from all over the world for casual conversation. Its VERY cold here (was as low as -14 last week) and who wants to go out to a smoky bar or some other public place and try to start a casual conversation just to socialize?

When I meet someone from outside of PoF, I give them my screen name on here just so they can to get to know me better, if they want to, by reading my postings or reading my profile. If I am dating someone exclusively, I hide the profile from searches, and put on it that I am seeing someone. If this isn't enough for the guy I would delete it altogether, but so far they haven't seen that as necessary. I try to choose people that aren't fanatically jealous, anyway (but a little jealous is actually a good sign, I think.)

You can't stop someone from ever meeting people, in real life or on the internet. You can't be there 24/7 to monitor them, and if you had to, then what kind of trust do you have going for you? I think it is only fair, though, to show that you are not actively looking by saying so on your profile if you are dating someone exclusively. Its also not fair to the still-looking single people to be on here representing yourself as a single person if you are really dating someone exclusively.

You have to have that talk though. Each person needs to say what their comfort level is about this, and the other needs to respect that or discuss any differences openly or you are going to have some confusion.

If I were to get engaged or to re-marry, then I would really make sure that we have this conversation and make it clear what we each expected of the other.

If you are trying to check up on each other by using PoF to do this, then that is kind of counter-productive, don't you think? When by just signing in, you are going where there are many single people. You can't delete your account to get the other person to delete theirs. It doesn't work that way. If they delete theirs because you ask them to, then its only fair of you to delete yours for the same reason.

So then, would it be like, you'd each have to go; "One, two, three---DELETE!"?
 cheyal
Joined: 7/3/2008
Msg: 27
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why do people stay on POF after meeting someone?
Posted: 1/19/2009 6:57:20 PM
I have conflicting feelings on this topic....
I think that if I were in a committment with my mate (or trying to establish one) I'd like to think I won't be on this site.
However, I really like the topics in the forums and being able to vocalize my thoughts and views with others.
Honestly, I started this site to meet a mate but fell in love with the discussion part of it.
Now, I rarely bother with my mail. Anyone wants to talk to me should visit me here.
I'd give the relationship my full attention, though. Hands down.
 BigDaddyJinx
Joined: 11/4/2006
Msg: 28
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why do people stay on POF after meeting someone?
Posted: 1/19/2009 7:08:38 PM

I met someone on POF a while ago. We started dating - not exclusively or anything like that but kind of regularly. It started to feel like we were both headed into exclusivity territory after a while, though. Funny thing is, I noticed that we were both still on POF. Why is that? Do people ever completely leave this web site? Or are we so addicted to see "what else is out there" that we can't leave? I know I want to find someone and would be all too happy to finally leave this site, but now, knowing that the last person I dated never left and is still on here, not sure that I would ever trust someone else I met on here to not still be on here "looking for something better?" or whatever it is...

Any thoughts?

OP -- I can't speak for anyone else, but I know if I was here lookin' for someone, and I did find someone, and we did get to "exclusivity"...chances are high that I'd still be on POF the whole time.

I'm not now, nor will I be again, the type that abandons pieces of his life just because he found "someone". Pffffttt...wouldn't waste my time with that nonsense. If she wanted or expected me to shut down my profile here just because I'm with her now, she'd be deluding herself in the worst way. No one is that important to me that I'm gonna give up things I enjoy because "they" may see it as an intrusion, or inappropriate, or whatever the case may be. I have enough drama in my life as it stands, and adding more to it by foolish behaviours such as the leaving of POF for no valid reason I can see would just irritate me.

Some may still be on POF because they're keeping their options open, and lookin' for the "better deal"...sure. I can see it happening. Some want to perhaps torture themselves with wanting what they can't have, sure...I can see that too. For me and people like me, I'd stay for the interaction factor primarily, if not completely. I've made a few good acquaintances while here, and I enjoy posting to the forums...having someone in my life ain't ever gonna be a valid reason for me to just throw that away. I don't handle insecurity well, and likely never will, so if she's that insecure to want me to give it up just to please her...she's dreaming.

I stay because I choose to, and will only leave when I feel I want to. Not because of some irrational insecurity thrust upon me.

JMO.
 Ideoform
Joined: 9/23/2007
Msg: 29
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why do people stay on POF after meeting someone?
Posted: 1/19/2009 7:11:00 PM
Edit: ^^^^ what BigDaddy said!


"by the way - we are not still dating. kind of ruined it for me to know that he was still on POF. Reason I was still on was basically to see if he was. really stupid i know and very self-defeating."


By the way, being overly-concerned about what he is doing when you are apart, is going to make you look insecure.

There might be other reasons you don't feel confident in the relationship, and so you are using this as an example of what is making you feel that he is not that into you.

If this was the only reason you two aren't still dating, I would think again about it. He might still be a good person to get to know better. But if this is part of a pattern of behavior he has that shows a lack of respect or a lack of interest, then certainly, its time to move on.
 Spoken For
Joined: 12/26/2007
Msg: 30
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why do people stay on POF after meeting someone?
Posted: 1/19/2009 7:21:29 PM
Well, I met someone here. We became exclusive, and now we are engaged, complete with a ring and plans to be married on a beach somewhere. But I am still here because I love to post on the forums. He loves to read my posts. So he will log in in the morning when he gets up at 5 and read what I posted tonight, and then we will talk about the threads I posted on tomorrow. LOL, how funny is that? We have both hidden our profiles, and changed them to reflect the fact that we are both "taken." The only way to find his is through the testimonial at the bottom of mine. The only way to find mine is through the forums. So the only email I ever get is an occasional one from the forums.

We aren't "still looking," we both very much have what we want. Neither of us is willing to even consider messing up what we have. We both know how stupid that would be.
 Spoken For
Joined: 12/26/2007
Msg: 31
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why do people stay on POF after meeting someone?
Posted: 1/19/2009 7:24:20 PM

Reason I was still on was basically to see if he was. really stupid i know and very self-defeating."

And he was probably still on to see if you were. And in trying to "spy" on each other, you each gave the other exactly what you were looking for.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 32
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why do people stay on POF after meeting someone?
Posted: 1/19/2009 7:25:39 PM
I'm an observer of people and relationships - and I have both male and female friends here. That's why I hang around... even though I am in a relationship (with the coolest fellow I met right here in river city). He doesn't mind one little bit It IS all about trust; if you have it, it is fine.

Anyone who reads my profile can see there is no point in contacting me unless you want to talk about a forum topic.
 Enchanted107
Joined: 12/10/2007
Msg: 33
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why do people stay on POF after meeting someone?
Posted: 1/19/2009 7:25:49 PM
I was going out with someone when I said something about POF and how I got some recipes I was looking for. I told him I enjoyed discussing Canadian and US politics. We were not exclusive nor was I committed, so I was surprised to note that he got upset that I am still here. I did not meet him here and I explained that I go to the Forums mostly. He did not believe me. He was very angry. He said anyone who comes here is looking for a date. Well, now, he is history...
 barbee1970
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 34
why do people stay on POF after meeting someone?
Posted: 1/19/2009 7:49:19 PM
I think they stay on for forums. It's nice to share experiences and advice about relatonships.
 babycakes80
Joined: 1/16/2009
Msg: 35
why do people stay on POF after meeting someone?
Posted: 1/19/2009 8:00:20 PM
I think when your just ''dating'' you are keeping your options open. It is only when you ''commit'' that there is a problem with still being on. I have left several times, when I have started relationships, and only when it has ended, have I come back.
 cheyal
Joined: 7/3/2008
Msg: 36
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why do people stay on POF after meeting someone?
Posted: 1/19/2009 8:19:26 PM
I agree, babycakes80,
I think that there is so much to do with each other and to keep current with your other physical activities that you find time less and less for virtual interactions.
Personally, I find that whenever I boot up my computer to visit the forums, I spend less time with loved ones. And although I haven't been dating for a few months except for the odd blind date, hookups that never seem to work out, sometimes time away from the computer seems like such a pull.
Having someone in my life, will finally be that 'glue coming undone'.
For now, I'll keep right on pof'ing.....
 anchors
Joined: 12/4/2008
Msg: 37
why do people stay on POF after meeting someone?
Posted: 1/19/2009 8:38:51 PM
There was this guy I dated on POF early last year. The 1st few weeks, we both were still on POF. Not until we both had that exclusivity talk did we both decide to take our profiles down. I don't see anything wrong with leaving one's profile on here until you become exclusive. It makes sense because you're still getting to know the other person, and you really don't know in the beginning if they're serious about you or not. That takes time.

If I were to have that exclusivity talk with a guy and he was still on here after our discussion, I'd seriously have to rethink our relationship, talk with him again, and say buh-bye if he didn't feel the same way about me. Life is too short.
 Now Is Good
Joined: 5/14/2006
Msg: 38
why do people stay on POF after meeting someone?
Posted: 1/19/2009 8:53:28 PM
My experience with POF has been one of making some very special friends. It seems that POf works two ways for me, finding local women to date, in search of a relationship, and making long distance friends. I'd hate to think about giving up those great friendships. They shouldn't be threatening to the woman I'm dating, because I'm not looking to date any other local ladies at that time. You shouldn't have to give up your friends?
 lovthecountrylf
Joined: 10/14/2008
Msg: 39
why do people stay on POF after meeting someone?
Posted: 1/19/2009 9:01:42 PM
I have stayed on POF for the forum information. Plus, relationships have not lasted long in that I judge and make my decision within several weeks if we are compatible. I have found if they show little to no respect... or if they lie, argue, drink to much.... then I leave them (Can't change men or nor do I want to). I think why waste time and effort on the wrong person. I know I want a long term commited relationship with someone who has the same values, respect, and commitment.
 musi5
Joined: 9/14/2004
Msg: 40
why do people stay on POF after meeting someone?
Posted: 1/19/2009 9:11:16 PM
I have met someone and I'm still on here.
Why?...because when it's 1-2am in the morning and I can't sleep or do anything else I like to get on here and chat with people...i've met some interesting folks, sometimes they are even crazy and its quite entertaining I must say.
However, In my profile I state im quite happy with the person I am with...not in to misleading folks.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 41
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why do people stay on POF after meeting someone?
Posted: 1/19/2009 9:54:24 PM
I couldn't tell you why others are here but I'm not looking for a date really, and I rarely check out profiles other than wondering about someone who posted to a forum, I mostly am here for the forums. If I was addicted I'd seek therapy, mostly I'm curious and nosy and I like message board forums. I date once in a while when I find someone interesting but I don't come to this site looking for a date, so I can't imagine why I should leave it if I don't want to just because I start dating someone. I'm perfectly capable of controlling myself on a dating site LOL I'm not going to be seeking an affair just because I hang out for the forums.
 Rachelle~C
Joined: 6/30/2008
Msg: 42
why do people stay on POF after meeting someone?
Posted: 1/19/2009 9:55:06 PM
The bottom line is that if someone is such an immoral piece of garbage that they would run around and cheat on their boyfriend/girlfriend or husband/wife, then they are going to do it anywhere. They will screw the neighbor or a coworker or someone they met when they were out somewhere.

If the person we are in a serious relationship knows we are here, reads our post and has no problem with it then it's really no one else's business. Most of us who are here for the forums only have our profiles hidden , can't be contacted ,our profiles state clearly we are very much taken ,and our partner is fully aware we are here. I don't see posting in these forums as any different then any of the other places I post. The only difference is that pof forums rock!
 janus20
Joined: 1/1/2007
Msg: 43
why do people stay on POF after meeting someone?
Posted: 1/19/2009 10:15:33 PM
You said it best "what else is out there." I finally did meet someone significant on here last year, and noticed that she closed her account after we met. After 10 months, she investigated and noticed that my account was still open. It ended the relationship. I don't blame her. I kept it open, just in case, a better opportunity crossed my path. There is your answer.
 LavendarKiss
Joined: 4/15/2008
Msg: 44
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why do people stay on POF after meeting someone?
Posted: 1/19/2009 10:22:06 PM
I'll add my voice to all of those who say they stay on for the forums. They're fun. But you guys who say you've found someone and are exclusive but have NOT changed your profile to indicate that you are no longer single and looking are just blowing hot air when you say you're just here for the forums. You're keeping your options open - obviously!! - so why bother denying it?
 wantinglove81
Joined: 7/21/2008
Msg: 45
why do people stay on POF after meeting someone?
Posted: 1/19/2009 10:26:06 PM
I think mostly because of the forums...And i see from other posts alot of people have friends here..But I would have to say,Its truely not good to keep ones-self in a place that has temptations...If you found someone who you fall in love with...you dont need to keep this site...because what happens if theres a dump in the road of the relationship..you would be tempted to run here and do something you'll regret later!!

Im old fashioned tho...the days now are so diffrent nothen seems clean cut anymore..
 REDDRAGON.
Joined: 10/9/2008
Msg: 46
why do people stay on POF after meeting someone?
Posted: 1/19/2009 10:48:02 PM
I met someone on POF a while ago. We started dating - not exclusively or anything like that but kind of regularly


Ummm ya ok ..like ummm WOW major fire works and chemistry by the sounds of it...
of course you are still here. Kinda regularly thats a nifty description.

please contain your excitement...
 bill197533
Joined: 6/5/2008
Msg: 47
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why do people stay on POF after meeting someone?
Posted: 1/19/2009 10:55:16 PM
that is a good question i wish i had a good answer.but as far as i am concerned the second i start dateing someone i delete my profile on any and or all dateing sites.its only fair to the other person
 howbigisyourlove
Joined: 9/1/2007
Msg: 48
why do people stay on POF after meeting someone?
Posted: 1/19/2009 11:14:09 PM
Some stay here to continuously revoke their license to breath... that is my raison d'sign-in. Personally this forum has been the best education for what I don't want in a relationship, someone I would purr-sieve as stoop-ID. Even though when I began expressing my spittle in this postable ... hoster.. I was more times suspended than actually writing and then .. all of a sudden the less creative .. writers started to leave my shit pile alone .. which was although enviably considerate it left me more room to expand .. or push the borders... NOT GOOD, but a friggin riot.. in dabble of babble.
All this is for me is a form of expression, and although most times dispassionate , it has taught me alot.
I understand on a very realistic level that my opprotunity to meet someone compatible is pretty slim to none .. and that the percentages of mate material is slim enuff so my chances of meating .. sum-#1 4 me, is likely gonnah happen in another three more lifetimes. The last four dates I have had for coffee I never felt like shaving the mustache let alone****temp-late the beard!

I like edgey people and informative ones and honest without polish.. which is only available in hilarity... and them there folks is hard to cum by.. I am looking for something I have not seen in anyone .. I tell friends I wannah meet someone like myself and they say,"good luck ." So I remain luckless and f'uckless but hey if I find someone extremely out and inter-resting.. I will definitely be long gone schlong off this site as I am as flexible as gumby if I met pokey...

I kindah believe that in order to be really good at something you gottah give it all.... and in order to be bonded you have to create.. and when you spend time actively creating .. some awesome things happen.. and if a good one crosses my path .. and I can feel the plates shift... and I want to know his mind.. I won't have time to play jinga with conjunction.. here any s'mores. Till then you're stuck ( no pun) with the worst of me until my next suspension or whatever cums first.

One thing is for sure .. that some here have become attached to my inner lining ... and because I live in such an isolated location it is good medicine to know via post-reads that there are some very evolved and amazing people in the "house" and a connection of expression via the mind's articulation into words is a valuable experience to the human condition. I have read growth in expressionism of many to form footholds in their own style of communication.. ... and that alone has made this trip in the forum forest .. very worthwhile.
 Dancing_4_You
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 49
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why do people stay on POF after meeting someone?
Posted: 1/19/2009 11:28:33 PM
i was only briefly on pof as a "single", when i met my last significant other. i never dated anyone else while i was with him, even during a six month hiatus in our relationship when we were "just friends". he also wasn't dating and he always knew about pof. it just didn't interest him and he knew i wasn't a screw around.

during that period and through to now (alas, no longer together), i made forum friends from all over the world--all ages, both sexes. i speak to many on the phone more regularly than i do with my old nyc friends from before i moved here.

part of the reason is that i no longer work outside the home. i get a message on pof, it downloads to my outlook, i hear a bell ring and it's almost like answering the phone. if i was working my 80 hour week or in a relationship as i was until recently, i'd probably be on less, because i would be out more. however, there are a few people on pof, who i could call in the middle of the night, if so inclined (and vice versa). haven't had that sort of an emergency yet, but it's comforting to know that when in transition, some people out there really care. it's especially comforting when my neighbors are travelling or my kids are busy.

when i am in relationship again, i would simply click on not single/not looking. i do realize that there is a transition period to register that status. but, i am a one man woman and if/when i find him, he will know about pof and understand that despite it's virtuality, it is one of my "communities". i am very grateful to those who have found partners and who do remain on the forums. it gives me hope, it makes me happy and i feel that their involvement is not out of just their neediness, but out of their humanity and with respect and love for those of us who have cheered them on!

if you or a mate, are not forum participants and just browsing around, well then that is another story! occasionally i hear from people who read the forums, but still are not participating, except via private email. i would hope that they would eventually let their voices be heard, instead of the passive lurking about! many of them do have something to say, but for whatever reason, seem unable to become public. i guess, introverted, shy or just not used to this virtual world. never though i would be either and here i am! i will say however, that i miss the political, current events and spirituality forums. however, they are now safe elsewhere in cyberspace and probably just used up too much of the single site ram. if i had come on afterwards, i am not sure if i would have met as many quality people. but somehow they still manage to be heard. and of course, there are the times, we just need to "connect".

ps i do agree with above that there is a lot of negativity here as well. some are in great pain and i make exception for them. however, if you know how to speed read, even if it's one out of a hundred, there are some really amazing people here.
 Tammy the cat
Joined: 10/17/2008
Msg: 50
why do people stay on POF after meeting someone?
Posted: 1/20/2009 12:05:54 AM
Communication an some honesty on the profile.I have gone through forums,read postings an looked up profiles of various posters ,from comments posted.Both sexes,an have found quite a few have been honest enough to state on their profiles that they are taken/not looking--here for forums an friendships made.Not everyone on this site can be classed as players/the ratbag type etc... A lot of people do suffer from trust issues or just want to make sure that the relationship is actually going somewhere,first.But then,do we ditch our friends /true friends because a new potentual partner says to?Where is the trust?If it is good enough for someone to be my friend on here,then why not a potentual partner also?Its up to you an your honesty level,inclusive of your new partner an their honesty level///whether they genuinely repect ,trust you enough in the first place.You can hide your profile for a while ,as the relationship develops///then again if the person is from here then chances are they are on your favourites list anyway,so can tell when you been online,time etc...If you are close enough,they would see your profile on your computer anyway/// you with someone,what have you got to hide anyway???????????????????
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