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 CMonster
Joined: 12/4/2004
Msg: 2
should I let my children see thier dad?Page 2 of 2    (1, 2)
...making threats about harming himself or the children.

Supervised visitation in a public place, at least until he demonstrates that his change is permanent.
 wanderbaby
Joined: 9/4/2006
Msg: 4
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should I let my children see thier dad?
Posted: 1/22/2009 9:49:04 PM
You may have to look into your laws at where you live, but if he's not on the birth certificate, it doesn't mean he's off teh hook for child support.

you should talk to a lawyer, more for safety and security. Once an alcoholic, it's hard to stop the addiction. Has he even attempted going to some type of rehab to help with his drinking problems and issues? Perhaps you can ask the court to request he goes to rehab before he gets visitation from kids or perhaps just allow superivisted visits til then.

make sure til then it's supervised and have a witness so that it doesn't go to a he/she said type of thing. Perhaps a friend can be around or going in public to help keep it neutral. it doesn't have to be at your house.
 texasbaby
Joined: 7/21/2005
Msg: 6
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should I let my children see thier dad?
Posted: 1/22/2009 10:30:24 PM
So, there are not hotels and motels where you live???
Why would you even consider allowing someone in your home, who has threatened the well being of your children? That just makes no sense to me..

tb
 red_relaxed
Joined: 7/18/2007
Msg: 8
should I let my children see thier dad?
Posted: 1/23/2009 12:03:57 AM
In most cases, I would say children need their father, however in your case, I think they are safer physically and emotionally without him in their lives.

Sounds like there's a hidden agenda at work here OP. Listen to your instincts.

He's a deadbeat drunk who refuses to accept the responsibility of his own flesh and blood.

He's already made his choice regarding the children. He chooses the bottle over everything else, so there you have it.

Good luck hon.

 Write Time
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 10
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should I let my children see thier dad?
Posted: 1/23/2009 1:43:05 AM
No visits -- not inside your home. That's way too risky for you.

I'm not one to separate kids from a parent, but what kind of parent doesn't support his own children? Doesn't sound like he's done anything to deserve any special consideration from you.

Be careful!
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 14
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should I let my children see thier dad?
Posted: 1/23/2009 7:31:47 AM
Visit and see his children? Absolutely, but he needs to find another place to stay and should be supervised.
 Tealwood
Joined: 12/16/2008
Msg: 15
should I let my children see thier dad?
Posted: 1/23/2009 8:11:11 AM

panda I have had many people tell me that i am a bad mother for not letting the father see him unless he followed my terms and conditions he had to come to my house will supervised and he wasn't allowed to take my son on bus train plane or boat I to am not getting child support


My rules....conditions or


What I did

1. Court order so he can't have unsupervised access until either the child is 18 OR he can prove he's followed a recognised treatment programme and is clean of alcohol. The court order saves me having to have lots of silly rows and helped me lay the boundary lines.

2. ALL visits outside my home as I found it was harder to throw him out if he was out of order than to simply leave a public place. Always have an escape route! You need to be able to shield them from the worst drunken beahviors.

3. Explain to the child that Dad loves them but drink is a problem. My son accepts Daddy can't look after him drunk. Kids aren't daft they can see it! Alcholism is an illness. Kids can accept people being sick. What hurts is feeling their parent doesn't love them.

4. Other than explaining alcohol is an illness NEVER slag off the other parent. If you have to take them away say "Dad's too drunk today so we are going home", no more is needed.

5. Make sure they have regular access to other men who are not drunkards. I have some great friends who do stuff with my son. One came to his Church navity play to watch him at Xmas when Dad was too drunk to make it. Kids need good role models of both sexes.


I would have serious reservation is suggesting he be allowed in the home...but i always have great difficulty hearing custodial parents giving mandates or rules.

As opposed to having mediation find common ground or legally acceptable grounds or court mandated practises implemented.

But with recently seperated or highly toxic relationships allowing or having one parent make all the rules is simply wrong.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 17
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should I let my children see thier dad?
Posted: 1/23/2009 9:08:31 AM
Because he is their father and you don't have the right to choose whether to cut him out of their lives if there is a way for him to be involved and your kids safe at the same time.

So, the man is willing to drive 14 hours to see his kids but you are b!tching because he doesn't want to be on the birth certificate?

I have a stepdaughter that is emotionally disturbed because she had no relationship with her bio dad. Her stepfather was an excellent parent but she has this whole where her bio dad belongs. The only reason she does not hve a relationship with her father is because of her mother, who wanted him to step up in a specific way to facilitate contact. Her father, btw, has paid child support all of her life.

Most jurisdictions establish paternity, the name on the birth certificate or not is irrelevant. If you want child support, pursue it. If you want to do what is right for your children, figure out a way to make it work and the children can decide later whether they want a relationship with their dad.
 ChocolateNutt
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 22
should I let my children see thier dad?
Posted: 1/23/2009 4:12:50 PM

What I did

1. Court order so he can't have unsupervised access until either the child is 18 OR he can prove he's followed a recognised treatment programme and is clean of alcohol. The court order saves me having to have lots of silly rows and helped me lay the boundary lines.

2. ALL visits outside my home as I found it was harder to throw him out if he was out of order than to simply leave a public place. Always have an escape route! You need to be able to shield them from the worst drunken beahviors.

3. Explain to the child that Dad loves them but drink is a problem. My son accepts Daddy can't look after him drunk. Kids aren't daft they can see it! Alcholism is an illness. Kids can accept people being sick. What hurts is feeling their parent doesn't love them.

4. Other than explaining alcohol is an illness NEVER slag off the other parent. If you have to take them away say "Dad's too drunk today so we are going home", no more is needed.


I like this answer EXCEPT do not tell your children Daddy loves them. A Dad who does not show up, shows up drunk, behaves badly with them does not love them. If you tell them he does, then you teach them that's how you treat someone you love. I would just leave that completely out of the equation--they'll draw the conclusion about his behaviour correctly on their own.

Make sure that any visitations are in public and supervised, if Dad shows up drunk or misbehaving, indicate Dad's not prepared for the visit and leave.

Nutt
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 23
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should I let my children see thier dad?
Posted: 1/23/2009 4:20:12 PM

why is he having a drinking problem?

Because he is an alcoholic, the "stuff" are just excuses for why he is drinking and not stopping.
 gravelman
Joined: 8/10/2007
Msg: 27
should I let my children see thier dad?
Posted: 1/24/2009 9:59:00 AM
If he can drive from another state he can get a motel/hotel for the night. Would saying seeing the kids in a public place to start with, but with you there , if he has been drinking you can take the kids and leave.
 mpmpoolplayer
Joined: 1/19/2009
Msg: 28
should I let my children see thier dad?
Posted: 1/24/2009 10:18:33 AM
What do the kids want...
Child support should be paid whether you need or not if you dont need put it in an account for when they are older it would gain interest and help them with starting their lives on their own..
DNA they need a dad even if hes a crappy one just make the rules and you can have him pay for the supervised visits and they have a place in town that does that so he cant hurt them or show up drunk..
I have a drunk as a dad for my kids too but hes not allowed to drink around them ..
Keeping them safe is important try the CASA organization they can help you.. its about the kids to them and not the parents.
I wish you luck but mostly find a good guy so they see a good role model so they dont turn out like him...
I am sad for your kids that he doesnt care about his kids enough to stop his problem but dont let him back in your home you could die or worse yet he could hurt them..
Trust yourself...
God Bless
 nitepoet
Joined: 8/15/2007
Msg: 29
should I let my children see thier dad?
Posted: 1/24/2009 9:06:51 PM
1st.) I would have a DNA test to prove he is the father to your children. The court can order him to have it done.
2nd.) child support is for the children not for the parent. it is money paid to take care of children's needs whether you are well off or not it is a father/mother's obligation to help take care of their children. you can always put the money into a bank account for their college fund.
3rd.) I would make sure it was supervised supervision with his children due to the fact that you claim he is an alcoholic. If he drinks and has made threats against you and the children then he doesn't need to be alone with them.
once he can prove to the courts that he has completed a program such as AA and can prove he is clean I wouldn't let him be alone with the children due to the fact that drinking and driving doesn't mix.
4th.) why does he have to stay in your home to see his children? are there no motels or hotels in your area?
5th.) I would also consider getting counseling for you, your children and the father of your children(if you can get him to go) as it can be devastating to a child when parents separate. Some children withdraw and their behavior changes because they feel as if they are the cause of parents breaking up and separating. Counseling lets them learn how to cope and deal with their feelings and emotions and the stress from the separation.
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