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 sanddallor
Joined: 8/30/2008
Msg: 44
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First date rulesPage 5 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
A little odd for sure, but it doesn't sound too unreasonable. I would be inclined to think that as she becomes comfortable with you she will loose her friend and what a great way to show her that you respect her sense of vulnerability and that you can be vulnerable as well. If you're a stand up sort of guy I would put on the foot warmers and take the walk.
 celts123
Joined: 5/15/2008
Msg: 45
First date rules
Posted: 1/25/2009 9:29:44 AM
Personally I would never agree to meet a woman with one of her friends. First dates / meets can be awkward in general. Bringing friends can make it more awkward. I would basically be a stranger hanging out with 2 people that are friends with each other. I think one on one conversation would be the best way to get to know somebody. I would have to impress her and her friend. Meet a public place and tell someone where you will be. I think bringing friends is going overboard.
 readyornot57
Joined: 1/19/2008
Msg: 48
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First date rules
Posted: 1/25/2009 11:12:10 AM
Just go with a friend of your own as well, you can talk with him should the two women only talk with each other. Yes, it is a pain, but the only way you will meet her.
Some of the other answers are very funny
 Cogie36
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 49
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First date rules
Posted: 1/25/2009 11:57:57 AM
I believe if she dosent feel safe to meet you alone what she should of done was ask a friend or two to come along separately and sit somewhere else and not even tell you....I can say for myself......i'd feel really weird if a guy said....I dont feel comfortable i'm gonna bring a friend along at the first meeting....I prolly wouldnt go...hope it works out!!!!
 barbee1970
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 59
First date rules
Posted: 1/25/2009 5:43:23 PM
I think it's a bit awkward. I don't know if she means a guy friend or girl friend, but do leave the boyfriends at home.
 Maltese_CanadianGuy
Joined: 12/30/2008
Msg: 60
First date rules
Posted: 1/25/2009 6:31:15 PM
I wouldn't even bother seeing her if she cant even go out on her own. I never ever heard of a girl not feeling comfortable enough not to meet alone, that is just ludicrous.
 BeatlesYeahYeahYeah
Joined: 5/25/2008
Msg: 63
First date rules
Posted: 1/26/2009 4:23:12 AM

"So to return to the concerns of the OP, yes, she may very well be insecure. Yes, bringing a friend along IS going to make it awkward. Its obviously something she feels she needs to do. Do you wanna be understanding or not?"
--FarmersBoy


Nothing personal FARMERSBOY, but I'll have to vote "NO" on being understanding. There's being understanding and there's setting yourself up to be a doormat. As a veteran "nice guy" who's taken a ton of cr*p off demanding women and children (I was a teacher for seven years), I've finally gotten -- too late in life, I'm afraid -- a sense of when too much is too much in having to cater to a woman. I understand her feelings, but I see her as being too demanding if not inappropriate in her fashion of coping with them.

VAXPLANT you are the man. Other people have gotten it right as this thread's opinions swing from one side of the pendulum's extreme to the other, but you articulated it best. (Sorry, I have no prize for you, old man.)

I'm 50 years old (not keen on admitting it either, thanks) and have seen a great deal of change in our culture's climate since I first dated in the '70s. Granted, there's more psychos per square inch than ever, and the world isn't half as nice a place as it once was -- especially in Southern California, where manners and sincerity are at an all-time low.

BUT, we all have to recognize if we are a reasonable judge of character or not. And if she really finds you (FILFIX, this thread's author) so fishy that she needs a body guard or a counselor, take the hint: she's either paranoid or just has no confidence in her own judgment. Either way, you lose. You may NEVER be able to earn her trust because she just doesn't know how to or when to trust.

And think of how awkward and uncomfortable you'll be in a job interview-style environment, where you'll feel ganged up on, being judged the whole time, be it intentional or not. And really, as much as I believe in consistently treating a girl for dinner at the beginning of a relationship, if I had to go on a date where I felt like I was in front of a jury the whole time, I'd just balk on that one.

Nancy Drew and Agatha Christie can just buy their own dinners and movies while trying to solve "The Mystery of the Whether My Date is a Psycho-Killer, Rapist or My First Husband." In fact, they could just buy ME dinner for the added unnecessary stress I'd have to endure in this circumstance. And they can make out with each other at the end of the evening too, for all I'd care (although that might be interesting in its own right -- but hey, that's just me).

This is a valuable red flag and should be seen as such. I am very understanding of the contemporary woman's concerns, but the right way to fool-proof a first date is for her to request that you both meet in a public setting, such as at a restaurant or a movie house. If you both have fun and become comfortable with each other, she might give you her address for the second date.

But if meeting in a public setting and having a cell phone (with friends and family aware of where she has gone for the evening) aren't good enough precautions for her, and she requires a friggin' CHAPERON -- dude, she better be Amish, Mormon or blind.

Otherwise, she's just not worldly, mature or intelligent enough to know what she's doing, which means YOU are going to be dealing with a lot of high-maintenance irrational thinking and behavior from her in the future too. And this may be symptomatic of the possibility that she might not be one who gives the benefit of the doubt: you always have to live in the witness box, having to play defense, dealing with always being guilty of whatever she's unsure of until you can prove your innocence -- and that's no way to run an airline. Opportunity is not good enough.

Sure, she might justify this arrangement by disclosing any number of bad relationships where she was mistreated by men, but that doesn't make being a control freak a kosher maneuver. I had an old boss who once motivated better selling by saying the old cliche: "Work like you don't need the money, dance as if no one were watching and love like you've never been hurt."

If she isn't healed from all of her old wounds, then you will have to pay the price for all who have come before you. And who needs THAT kind of hash, really? You don't deserve it -- no one does. If she can't give you a fresh start and judge you SOLEY based on who YOU are and strictly based on what YOU do, then you're just settling for second best -- and will pay a heavy price for it by the end.

My advice? See the red flag that just popped up for what it is and get out of Dodge -- NOW. She may appear to be the nicest girl in the world, but the old maxim still applies: "the road to hell is paved with good intentions."
 swingpup
Joined: 10/21/2006
Msg: 66
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First date rules
Posted: 1/26/2009 10:44:43 AM
Either take along a male friend or ask her if she is into threesomes. Hey bud, it could be your lucky date! Always think positive, one never knows!
 4ReelFun63
Joined: 12/21/2008
Msg: 67
First date rules
Posted: 1/26/2009 10:50:23 AM
I believe all meets should be one-on-one, preferably in a public environment. If you really like her then maybe consider it, but it would be awkward with another party there! You will be in public so I am not sure what her fear exactly is about?
 kenfla38
Joined: 1/31/2006
Msg: 68
First date rules
Posted: 1/26/2009 12:00:38 PM
To me, if a woman has to "bring a friend" on a "first date" she's ... :

1) not confident in her own judgment (turnoff)
2) too shy or timid meeting new people (turnoff)
3) too sheltered or lacking in self-confidence to stand on her own two feet. (turnoff)


It's not like you're suggesting to meet her in a secluded dark alley... If after several emails and/or a phone conversation or 2.. she's still not "mature" or self-confident enough to agree to meet you 1 on 1 in a public place, than that tells you quite a bit about who she is... (and who she is not).

If in business, you went to a "meeting" to represent yourself or your "product", BUT had to bring a friend or business associate along to back you up, HOW MUCH CONFIDENCE do you think the other "party" would have in your knowledge, expertise, or professionalism about what you were presenting?? The answer is: NOT MUCH.

Your decision to make, but in my experience, if someone is too shy or timid to meet 1 on 1 in a public place (after emails/phone conversations), than I'm not going to "hit it off" with her anyway.
 suzieinwv
Joined: 3/26/2008
Msg: 71
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First date rules
Posted: 1/26/2009 12:09:11 PM
Tell her you have different rules and are not looking for a threesome.
Yet, you're willing to meet her at the police station.

Cubanguy, I literally laughed out loud at this!!!
 kenfla38
Joined: 1/31/2006
Msg: 75
First date rules
Posted: 1/26/2009 1:03:14 PM

There are plenty of precautions a woman can take without having to bring a friend. As stated by others, meet a public place, tell someone where you will be, use your own car or transportation etc. If you aren't comfortable meeting people alone, then perhaps internet dating is not a good venue for you.


Well Said BostonSportsGal...

...If you/someone has a need to feel excessively COMFORTABLE prior to meeting someone for a drink/bite to eat... If a 1.5 hour phone conversation (excessive in itself prior to meeting, I think) isn't enough to entice you to get in your car and go meet someone in a public restaurant/coffee shop (etc.) face to face...one on one... then as "Boston" said, maybe internet dating isn't for you/that person... In fact, I wonder how such a person functions out in the real world where meeting/interacting with new people is an almost everyday occurance.

To me, such an excessive need to feel comfortable (which will likely never happen to that persons satisfaction) screams of insecurities which probably should be delt with prior to going out into the "dating world"...
 Jumbie564
Joined: 5/20/2008
Msg: 86
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First date rules
Posted: 1/27/2009 8:03:17 AM
Ok, this is a wrinkle in your game plan. So, do you forfeit or do you adjust? If you forfeit you lose, period. Otherwise, you can adapt to the playing field and turn this to your advantage.

One, it's a show of confidence if you pull it off correctly. In other words, this WAS supposed to be about you and her. Now that she's introduced a third person into the mix she thinks she has the upper hand. Don't give it to her. Change your mindset. This is now about you and TWO women. So play to them both - even if you like one more than the other. The trick is to keep them both guessing the entire time.

What I'm saying is that the woman you've been talking to has decided to skew the odds in her favor in the event the meeting doesn't go well. In her eyes, this is a win/win for her because if she does like you then meeting you was worth it, and if she doesn't like you then she has an easy out and a way to salvage the situation by having the company of her friend.

So, your job is to put your best foot forward to both women. Ask them both questions. Include them equally into the conversation. Don't show one any favoritism over the other. If you don't like either woman then you're not any worse off than you would have been meeting just one of them. If you like both women then let them settle it between themselves. If you wind up liking her friend and this woman likes you, oh well, that's the risk she took by bringing along her friend. And in the event that you do like this woman and she likes you, she'll be even more attracted to you because you'll have her guessing as to which one you like more - her or her friend.

Now of course her friend might be married or otherwise in a relationship. It doesn't matter. Your job is to be equally charming to both women. Your job is to make both women like you - regardless of how you feel about either one of them. This will give YOU the upper hand.

When handed lemons, make lemonade.
 celts123
Joined: 5/15/2008
Msg: 88
First date rules
Posted: 1/27/2009 8:56:49 AM
I just don't think it's a huge issue. If she wants to bring a friend, for whatever reason, what's the big deal?


I will re-state some reasons why I don't like this idea.

1. One on one conversation is the best way to get to know someone.
2. I don't want to be the third wheel.
3. Most likely I would have to impress her friend as well.
4. There are many other safety measures a woman can use without having to bring a friend.
 celts123
Joined: 5/15/2008
Msg: 89
First date rules
Posted: 1/27/2009 9:30:00 AM
Was I comfortable meeting him with his buddies? Hell no. But I did it, instead of making everything all complicated.


I think bringing friends makes things more complicated.



I disagree that the best way to get to know someone initially is by one on one conversation. I think people are far more themselves around other people that already know them and that they're comfortable around.


It might be more comfortable for a woman if she brought her friends. But it would be much less comfortable for me. Once again, I would be the third wheel. I would basically be a stranger talking to a group of women that are friends with each other. It would definitely be easier for me to get to know a woman if it was just me and her. I could spend all my time and focus on that particular woman. Not anyone else.



If you're a good guy, you're gonna impress her friend regardless. If you're not cool, friendly, polite, good mannered, then yeah, I could see someone worrying about this.


Not necessary. Some women are very picky about minor things and will make very quick judgments about someone.
 celts123
Joined: 5/15/2008
Msg: 92
First date rules
Posted: 1/27/2009 10:55:59 AM
How so? How is it more complicated? You drive to the meeting spot, same as you would if it was just her.


That's about the only thing that remains the same. I don't want any external and unnecessary factors potentially affecting the outcome of a date. It's possible a woman could make her decision partly based on what her friends think.

And even if it WAS more complicated, in turn you just complicate it even more by making a big deal about it? Somebody's got to give. I'm just saying, the times it was suggested to me, I went with the flow. It shouldn't be "tisk for task".


I am willing to compromise to a certain extent. Meet at a place that she likes or a place that is closer to where she lives. But I'm not doing anything that I completely dislike. I completely dislike the idea of having friends involved. So if that means never meeting up with this woman, then so be it. Fortunately, there are plenty of women who do agree with me.



You're paranoid. The large majority of women are not like that.


I'm not paranoid. I made that statement based what women have mentioned on the forums and their profiles. I made the statement based on personal experiences. I never stated that this applies to all or most women. But it does applies to more than just a very small percentage of women. I think the women who insist on meeting someone with their friends are the paranoid ones.
 Merrylass
Joined: 12/30/2007
Msg: 98
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First date rules
Posted: 1/28/2009 8:42:02 AM
Ugh - haven't time to read 5 pages so forgive if I'm redundant. I think it's a good idea to meet a person's friends. It's great that you'll meet one right away. In fact, I think the best way to get to know someone is to see that person with friends and even family. The person will be exactly who they are with their friends around - you can be less worried that you're getting a facade.

I think 'dating' is stupid, really. Someone on page 1 said that the better idea is to start out by 'hanging out'. I completely agree. It's a different dynamic and will let you get to know each other a whole different way - see the sort of person they are when they're their regular self rather than the 'sales pitch' version.

Besides, for all you know, maybe she's made a bunch of boneheaded choices before and her friend wants to be sure that you're not going to be another mistake.
 mauget
Joined: 1/2/2009
Msg: 102
First date rules
Posted: 1/28/2009 10:03:09 AM
I don't think it's improper at all for a lady to request a first date to be comfortable for her. We seem to live in a wild world now. Just enjoy it, may be the best thing you ever find.
 celts123
Joined: 5/15/2008
Msg: 104
First date rules
Posted: 1/28/2009 11:27:30 AM
Presumably if things work out you will be meeting each others' friends at some point. Might as well start at Day 1.


Meeting a woman's friends after several dates is a completely different situation. By that time, a mutual connection has already been established. On the first few dates, both people are figuring out if there is any chance of a connection developing. As I stated before, I don't want any external and unnecessary factors ( such as a woman's friends ) potentially affecting the outcome of an initial date.
 Gil4good01
Joined: 12/13/2008
Msg: 107
First date rules
Posted: 1/28/2009 12:10:52 PM
I Cornelius has a good suggestion
 Merrylass
Joined: 12/30/2007
Msg: 108
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First date rules
Posted: 1/28/2009 5:30:48 PM

Presumably if things work out you will be meeting each others' friends at some point. Might as well start at Day 1.

Exactly. And, ideally, becoming friends of each other's friends. I hated the guy my best friend married; he turned out (as I suspected) to be a total jerk. I say if you can impress the friends, half your work's done for you. And if the friends are total jerks, best you find out sooner than later.

Nope, no downside to this IMHO.
 Okietokie88
Joined: 12/8/2008
Msg: 113
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Thanks for the advice!
Posted: 1/29/2009 8:44:38 AM
LOl maybe her "Friend" was some 200lb 6'6 guy (hey sounds like me) who abducted him and gagged him and threw him into the trunk of his own home and is now residing in his bedroom writing on a POF thread about this very same.......oh I think I've said too much I gotta go
 AllentownLady
Joined: 7/22/2008
Msg: 118
First date rules
Posted: 1/29/2009 7:13:25 PM
Go with your GUTT
 social_artist
Joined: 7/1/2008
Msg: 130
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First date rules
Posted: 1/30/2009 2:46:41 PM
I think she is just nervous about meeting someone. you need to make it somewhere public, but explain to her that you picked the place cause its nice and public, and if she turns out to be a nut then the general public will jump in and save you. spin it around. by showing that you're looking after your own wellbeing by making it in public, will make her say "no, no, i'm not a nut" and in by doing so think that you wont be a crazy, stalker guy.

Dave
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