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Joined: 1/31/2006
Msg: 68
First date rulesPage 6 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
To me, if a woman has to "bring a friend" on a "first date" she's ... :

1) not confident in her own judgment (turnoff)
2) too shy or timid meeting new people (turnoff)
3) too sheltered or lacking in self-confidence to stand on her own two feet. (turnoff)

It's not like you're suggesting to meet her in a secluded dark alley... If after several emails and/or a phone conversation or 2.. she's still not "mature" or self-confident enough to agree to meet you 1 on 1 in a public place, than that tells you quite a bit about who she is... (and who she is not).

If in business, you went to a "meeting" to represent yourself or your "product", BUT had to bring a friend or business associate along to back you up, HOW MUCH CONFIDENCE do you think the other "party" would have in your knowledge, expertise, or professionalism about what you were presenting?? The answer is: NOT MUCH.

Your decision to make, but in my experience, if someone is too shy or timid to meet 1 on 1 in a public place (after emails/phone conversations), than I'm not going to "hit it off" with her anyway.
Joined: 1/31/2007
Msg: 70
First date rules
Posted: 1/26/2009 12:03:58 PM
Talking for only 1.5 hours is not that long to truely feel comfortable to meet someone alone, wether it's in public place or not. Bringing a friend is a safety thing, just like others have said. Yes it's easier to get to know the person on a one on one basis but you can learn about the person with the kind of friends she or he have aswell. Maybe it's not how you work, not within your rules of first dates but doesn't make hers wrong. She doesn't know you, expecially not after 1.5 hours of talking, so give her a break. If you like her, then respect her. You can go on a second date, just the two of you... or don't concider the first time meeting a date.
Joined: 3/26/2008
Msg: 71
view profile
First date rules
Posted: 1/26/2009 12:09:11 PM
Tell her you have different rules and are not looking for a threesome.
Yet, you're willing to meet her at the police station.

Cubanguy, I literally laughed out loud at this!!!
Joined: 1/31/2006
Msg: 75
First date rules
Posted: 1/26/2009 1:03:14 PM

There are plenty of precautions a woman can take without having to bring a friend. As stated by others, meet a public place, tell someone where you will be, use your own car or transportation etc. If you aren't comfortable meeting people alone, then perhaps internet dating is not a good venue for you.

Well Said BostonSportsGal...

...If you/someone has a need to feel excessively COMFORTABLE prior to meeting someone for a drink/bite to eat... If a 1.5 hour phone conversation (excessive in itself prior to meeting, I think) isn't enough to entice you to get in your car and go meet someone in a public restaurant/coffee shop (etc.) face to on one... then as "Boston" said, maybe internet dating isn't for you/that person... In fact, I wonder how such a person functions out in the real world where meeting/interacting with new people is an almost everyday occurance.

To me, such an excessive need to feel comfortable (which will likely never happen to that persons satisfaction) screams of insecurities which probably should be delt with prior to going out into the "dating world"...
Joined: 5/20/2008
Msg: 86
view profile
First date rules
Posted: 1/27/2009 8:03:17 AM
Ok, this is a wrinkle in your game plan. So, do you forfeit or do you adjust? If you forfeit you lose, period. Otherwise, you can adapt to the playing field and turn this to your advantage.

One, it's a show of confidence if you pull it off correctly. In other words, this WAS supposed to be about you and her. Now that she's introduced a third person into the mix she thinks she has the upper hand. Don't give it to her. Change your mindset. This is now about you and TWO women. So play to them both - even if you like one more than the other. The trick is to keep them both guessing the entire time.

What I'm saying is that the woman you've been talking to has decided to skew the odds in her favor in the event the meeting doesn't go well. In her eyes, this is a win/win for her because if she does like you then meeting you was worth it, and if she doesn't like you then she has an easy out and a way to salvage the situation by having the company of her friend.

So, your job is to put your best foot forward to both women. Ask them both questions. Include them equally into the conversation. Don't show one any favoritism over the other. If you don't like either woman then you're not any worse off than you would have been meeting just one of them. If you like both women then let them settle it between themselves. If you wind up liking her friend and this woman likes you, oh well, that's the risk she took by bringing along her friend. And in the event that you do like this woman and she likes you, she'll be even more attracted to you because you'll have her guessing as to which one you like more - her or her friend.

Now of course her friend might be married or otherwise in a relationship. It doesn't matter. Your job is to be equally charming to both women. Your job is to make both women like you - regardless of how you feel about either one of them. This will give YOU the upper hand.

When handed lemons, make lemonade.
Joined: 5/15/2008
Msg: 88
First date rules
Posted: 1/27/2009 8:56:49 AM
I just don't think it's a huge issue. If she wants to bring a friend, for whatever reason, what's the big deal?

I will re-state some reasons why I don't like this idea.

1. One on one conversation is the best way to get to know someone.
2. I don't want to be the third wheel.
3. Most likely I would have to impress her friend as well.
4. There are many other safety measures a woman can use without having to bring a friend.
Joined: 5/15/2008
Msg: 89
First date rules
Posted: 1/27/2009 9:30:00 AM
Was I comfortable meeting him with his buddies? Hell no. But I did it, instead of making everything all complicated.

I think bringing friends makes things more complicated.

I disagree that the best way to get to know someone initially is by one on one conversation. I think people are far more themselves around other people that already know them and that they're comfortable around.

It might be more comfortable for a woman if she brought her friends. But it would be much less comfortable for me. Once again, I would be the third wheel. I would basically be a stranger talking to a group of women that are friends with each other. It would definitely be easier for me to get to know a woman if it was just me and her. I could spend all my time and focus on that particular woman. Not anyone else.

If you're a good guy, you're gonna impress her friend regardless. If you're not cool, friendly, polite, good mannered, then yeah, I could see someone worrying about this.

Not necessary. Some women are very picky about minor things and will make very quick judgments about someone.
Joined: 5/15/2008
Msg: 92
First date rules
Posted: 1/27/2009 10:55:59 AM
How so? How is it more complicated? You drive to the meeting spot, same as you would if it was just her.

That's about the only thing that remains the same. I don't want any external and unnecessary factors potentially affecting the outcome of a date. It's possible a woman could make her decision partly based on what her friends think.

And even if it WAS more complicated, in turn you just complicate it even more by making a big deal about it? Somebody's got to give. I'm just saying, the times it was suggested to me, I went with the flow. It shouldn't be "tisk for task".

I am willing to compromise to a certain extent. Meet at a place that she likes or a place that is closer to where she lives. But I'm not doing anything that I completely dislike. I completely dislike the idea of having friends involved. So if that means never meeting up with this woman, then so be it. Fortunately, there are plenty of women who do agree with me.

You're paranoid. The large majority of women are not like that.

I'm not paranoid. I made that statement based what women have mentioned on the forums and their profiles. I made the statement based on personal experiences. I never stated that this applies to all or most women. But it does applies to more than just a very small percentage of women. I think the women who insist on meeting someone with their friends are the paranoid ones.
Joined: 12/30/2007
Msg: 98
view profile
First date rules
Posted: 1/28/2009 8:42:02 AM
Ugh - haven't time to read 5 pages so forgive if I'm redundant. I think it's a good idea to meet a person's friends. It's great that you'll meet one right away. In fact, I think the best way to get to know someone is to see that person with friends and even family. The person will be exactly who they are with their friends around - you can be less worried that you're getting a facade.

I think 'dating' is stupid, really. Someone on page 1 said that the better idea is to start out by 'hanging out'. I completely agree. It's a different dynamic and will let you get to know each other a whole different way - see the sort of person they are when they're their regular self rather than the 'sales pitch' version.

Besides, for all you know, maybe she's made a bunch of boneheaded choices before and her friend wants to be sure that you're not going to be another mistake.
Joined: 1/2/2009
Msg: 102
First date rules
Posted: 1/28/2009 10:03:09 AM
I don't think it's improper at all for a lady to request a first date to be comfortable for her. We seem to live in a wild world now. Just enjoy it, may be the best thing you ever find.
Joined: 5/15/2008
Msg: 104
First date rules
Posted: 1/28/2009 11:27:30 AM
Presumably if things work out you will be meeting each others' friends at some point. Might as well start at Day 1.

Meeting a woman's friends after several dates is a completely different situation. By that time, a mutual connection has already been established. On the first few dates, both people are figuring out if there is any chance of a connection developing. As I stated before, I don't want any external and unnecessary factors ( such as a woman's friends ) potentially affecting the outcome of an initial date.
Joined: 12/13/2008
Msg: 107
First date rules
Posted: 1/28/2009 12:10:52 PM
I Cornelius has a good suggestion
Joined: 12/30/2007
Msg: 108
view profile
First date rules
Posted: 1/28/2009 5:30:48 PM

Presumably if things work out you will be meeting each others' friends at some point. Might as well start at Day 1.

Exactly. And, ideally, becoming friends of each other's friends. I hated the guy my best friend married; he turned out (as I suspected) to be a total jerk. I say if you can impress the friends, half your work's done for you. And if the friends are total jerks, best you find out sooner than later.

Nope, no downside to this IMHO.
Joined: 12/8/2008
Msg: 113
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Thanks for the advice!
Posted: 1/29/2009 8:44:38 AM
LOl maybe her "Friend" was some 200lb 6'6 guy (hey sounds like me) who abducted him and gagged him and threw him into the trunk of his own home and is now residing in his bedroom writing on a POF thread about this very same.......oh I think I've said too much I gotta go
Joined: 7/22/2008
Msg: 118
First date rules
Posted: 1/29/2009 7:13:25 PM
Go with your GUTT
Joined: 10/9/2008
Msg: 124
First date rules
Posted: 1/29/2009 10:40:34 PM
So glad you went through with it and may work out. For those of you that that think this is wierd...or uncommon...are you kidding me? Police response? That statement alone suggest a safety concern. If my daughter EVER met someone off the internet alone ANYWHERE...I'd chew her a new one. "It's ok, dad...the cops would have been there in 7 minutes after someone MIGHT have heard my blood curdling screams after prying his massive hands from my mouth. Or, maybe she is a little shy on the first meet and greet. And...maybe I'm being a bit over dramatic. I'm hoping our OP will keep us informed after date/greet #2. Better to be safe than sorry.
Joined: 7/1/2008
Msg: 130
view profile
First date rules
Posted: 1/30/2009 2:46:41 PM
I think she is just nervous about meeting someone. you need to make it somewhere public, but explain to her that you picked the place cause its nice and public, and if she turns out to be a nut then the general public will jump in and save you. spin it around. by showing that you're looking after your own wellbeing by making it in public, will make her say "no, no, i'm not a nut" and in by doing so think that you wont be a crazy, stalker guy.

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