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 nexthyme
Joined: 9/12/2007
Msg: 60
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Another question to single parents (being brutal here)Page 6 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
Thanks chocolatenutt,

Actually my bf is Buddhist, and he pointed out that this guys thinking is not that of a joyous Buddhist, which Buddhism is a philosophy more than a religion.

That is why I referenced this guys unhappy attitude, especially since it would seem with that belief system, he would have more empathy as well as joy towards life.

However I see it says prefer not to answer about children it is possible as to why he has some issue in that area of his life....

It is no attempt to offend, but to remind the joy and balance in all peoples lives, as well as why his tone doesn't match his belief.
 Capitano_Blaugh
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 62
Another question to single parents (being brutal here)
Posted: 1/31/2009 7:48:37 AM
Geez.... not sure how I did it, but I double posted..... sorry about that folks...

... or not....

... weird. I saw my long post on both pages 3 and 4....

.... not enough coffee, methinks...

... ok, gone. Gotta get a kid to hockey...
 ChocolateNutt
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 63
Another question to single parents (being brutal here)
Posted: 1/31/2009 8:10:58 AM
You know what now serving. Wahh wahh wahh.

There are good people and bad people in the world, and the two are not divided by gender. For every woman who wrongs you, there is a man who wrongs a woman somewhere. And most people don't get to be 30 without having had one major heartbreak that was undeserved, but every single person suffering the heartbreak has cried over it--check out all the posts by men complaining about their experience.

So far as I'm concerned there's nothing wrong with it in either gender. Relating the experience and receiving compassion (or otherwise) are just part of the healing process. Forums on the internet give the sufferers a wider scope to share their experience than in the old days when we only had our personal friends to talk with, and give the other people on the forums the opportunity to also share their personal experiences. Definitely not worth getting underwear up the crotch over.

Nutt
 ChocolateNutt
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 67
Another question to single parents (being brutal here)
Posted: 1/31/2009 10:17:58 AM

am not saying that women are bad and men are good but the trend is there


You think the trend is there that women are bad and men are good?


and you like others are still in the belief that you are the only divorced person with kids out there.


Actually I've never been married or divorced, so I'm not sure how I it would be possible for me to believe I'm the only divorced person with kids.


You know when you see the statistics about the potential harm not being raised in a two parent household can do to a child only to say that will never happen to my little one is living in a pollyanna existense. More single moms become friends not parents and if he was my son you'd be damm sure I be kicking his ass for not stepping up and doing what is neccesary.


Actually the statistics about two-parent homes being more valuable for child-raising have little to do with the division of chores and more to do with the stability of the relationships between members in the family, individual emotions, finances, activities and life in general.

In most of the two-parent homes I've actually seen in person (currently and while growing up), most of the children have not been required to do the laundry--Mom has been. In fact, from what I've seen in actual real life, the parents have performed the majority of the chores, and the children often not expected to take on responsibilities. The homes where the children have been assigned chores and the rules enforced are much fewer.

Yes, I tell my child to do a load of laundry or some other chore for me while I'm at work. Yes, sometimes she's left the chore undone or done poorly. In our home, that means that she has to do it or re-do it when I get home and see that I'm disappointed in her poor choice and that she's lost time to do some other more appealing activity because now she's had to do the same chore twice instead of once properly. No ass-kicking necessary, just instructions.

I went on a couple dates with a man who has custody of his three sons--they are discouraged to do any chores or activities that he feels are not masculine enough. That's just as neglectful and irresponsible as the women who do not enforce their expectations.

I've got no patience with generalizations--particularly when I see them proved wrong all around me. The person who worships generalizations as his religion is in denial, not the people who actually live life to the best of their ability, accepting their flaws and mistakes along with their positive characteristics and choices

Some parents are good parents and some are not--again it has nothing to do with gender.

Nutt

P.S. I want to apologize for the opening statement in my first post. That was disrespectful and unnecessary.
 ChocolateNutt
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 68
Another question to single parents (being brutal here)
Posted: 1/31/2009 10:34:33 AM

Men who are professional could accept a woman who is just a woman.
Can you say the same for your gender? you could try but I doubt you could.


Well I work in a professional office where there's a dress code and behaviour code, etc. I dated a man just last year who's life is in a complete mess. When we went to counselling to try to work out our problems in the relationship, my comment was that I don't care what he does for a living or how much money he earns, but that every young, capable individual needs to have a job and be able to schedule time and prioritize life commitments.

In most of the families I know now and growing up, Mom worked outside the home. In fact many women work outside the home in Saskatchewan just to be able to keep the family farms running--my Mom worked for as long as I can remember and my Dad didn't. Some of the men also have jobs off the farm, but many farm only while their wives have other employment added to their farm life and house/childrearing duties.

I don't know too many men who don't expect the same of the women they date. Why should they? It's ridiculous for a man to be required to support a woman or vice versa--we should support each other.

Nutt
 ChocolateNutt
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 72
Another question to single parents (being brutal here)
Posted: 1/31/2009 12:59:38 PM
now serving: you directed that post specifically to me and I replied with my personally. If you think Captain is posting to impress the ladies, I think you may be misreading. His posts, while containing valid points, are often designed to be offensive to the masses. I've been on the forums for quite some time and often watch him debate with some woman on different topics (often enough it seems to be Lizbeth)

Very few women would be worth your time? Because we suggest you analyze or judge each situation and person on it's own merits rather than deciding women want men to support them or that we are inept parent because we're all lenient?

Nutt
 Capitano_Blaugh
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 73
Another question to single parents (being brutal here)
Posted: 1/31/2009 1:16:06 PM

OMG...so kids are all a mistake are they???

NOT all single parents are such because they accidently got pregnant....


Please quote the post where I said anything about kids being mistakes or about accidental pregnancy.

I'd be happy to comment on accidental pregnancy, because I think that the actual number of 'accidental' pregnancies that women claim is WAY inflated and an excuse for wanting to get pregnant but preferring to say it's divine intervention, BUT, that's not what this thread is about.

I'll wait until you find a post in any thread I've ever posted to where I say that kids are a mistake.

.... waiting.... waiting.... waiting....


 nexthyme
Joined: 9/12/2007
Msg: 76
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Another question to single parents (being brutal here)
Posted: 1/31/2009 5:31:18 PM
Now serving, now that explains who has peed in your wheaties..

Yep, got to say I DO recognize the tale about the guy who takes over two hours to get something a 1/4 a mile a way. I also know all to well how no matter what it was that needed to be done he did manage to screw it up one way or another...

As I say he is MY ex, how ever there is no baby daddy, except from complaining BF, because I divorced what I knew was the way he was... Yeah had a child with him, he is pretty well balanced as kids go... He probably is NOT going to turn out like his dad, and as a Dragon momma, I have to much push for my kids to be shits as partners..

I am NOT so sure women or MOST think they are out to change a guy... MAYBE, I sure didn't, because up until the day I got married, he acted like the perfect guy. He was raising his son, and do what all us silly women would do is awwwww how great he was doing despite the fact it didn't add up to some real parenting.

Now glad you can understand TRUTH, because I do expect it out of someone's profile, and figure if a person is going to BS their profile, then they can deal with explaining the lacking in truth.

Yeah, this gal will be a single married mom, until she becomes a divorced married mom.... Hopefully she will be less permissive then her husbands mother.

Victim??? Nah not me, survivor of my own stupidity and over empathetic nature...

What I will say is this... I gave dating a break when I need to raise my oldest two and go to school. I also gave it a break when I got out of a nightmare relationship...

I did learn that no body wants to bring on more drama, unless they love the challenge, and these are usually the type that see the drama as a project...

You are ok, glad you can at least speak up and mention bleach and pregnancy does NOT mix. Doesn't sound like her husband and marriage mixes all that well either.. To bad...

She chuckles after reading the fray, N S it is like this, men point the finger at women, and women point the finger at men... How either gender gets together has to do with this desire to be with someone that loves us, and has sex with us on a regular basis... GENERAL TERMS....

Now as for your statistics, yeah, those usually come out of the air at the moment someone needs them... True story... There are more single parent homes today then 30 yrs ago... The question I would like to know is WHY? what went wrong? What has made it to where people find it so easy to breed, then go off in some other direction not paying attention to whether their kids are being raised or not?

At the same time I remember wishing my parents had divorced... It would have been a hell of a lot better of a chance for me as a person than those crazy people staying married, hating their life, and their middle child.

There are good single parents out there, there are good divorced co parents out there, and then there is the OTHER...

Here's a side note, the gal that just gave birth to 8 babies, has 6 prior, AND is not married, and as I can tell never has been... Talk about single parent night mare....
 nexthyme
Joined: 9/12/2007
Msg: 83
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Another question to single parents (being brutal here)LOL u don't know brutal!
Posted: 2/1/2009 2:09:26 PM
See There ya go Now serving.... That is what I was asking... I knew the question before I asked, but I wondered if you, or others did...

It is a hard twist in life that fewer and fewer people no longer value a commitment, and are more willing to put them selves ahead of all else. As a mum many many many times my life came behind everything else. That had been the traditional thinking of things, yet getting into the I can take care of myself has not been all that bad... I managed to care for my two older younglings pretty well, even though it took all I had in life energy to do so.

It was the same way in my marriage, I was in it for life, and making sure that the kids were at the for front of personal pleasures, while the family in my exes eyes came some where between if he had to take time to pay attention to something other than himself, and his full persuit of his own happiness.

He still struggles with that, because on the weeks that our son is with me, he does NOT want to be bothered about issues involving out son... OK, I get he's been that way his whole life, but ya know sometimes a person divorced or not has to put their foot down and say.... I don't give a rats ass what week it is, our son comes before our own person free time, our son is headed into the rotten teens, and has a teen attitude that really can grate on the most sane persons nerves...

However our son was a joint venture, and since my ex didn't opt out on being a parent like my daughters father did, he dang well will pay attention needs to be paid.

I have to ask, would you reallly want to go back to the way things were now serving???

Your niece in law being on her hands and knees bleaching the bathroom and cleaning out the house is NOTHING new. In fact if you have read any of the past literature about how a wife IS SUPPOSED to be have, she is to do that with a smile on her face... Of course she wouldn't be working, and it would be her husbands job to financially provide for the entire family... I guess that is where the real rub is, she is also working, and having to do double duty as a wife, and a pregnant mum...

I doubt she thought this was how things were going to be, and I am sure in her heart of hearts she felt that she WAS that special person, that one that he would value above his own good times... I also would bet she figured a baby would turn his head around, after all what an amazing thing it is to go through the growing process of creating a being....

Sadly it isn't understood that the amazing and aweful things at the same time are ONLY going to be felt by her, and NO matter how vicarious of an experience she MAY try to show her husband, he simply will NOT feel the same things she does.

YES, this is where the magic of hormones come in small amounts of oxytosine (sic?) drip into her system creating that deep feeling of absolute blissfull unconditional love.

Her only misunderstood hope is that her husband MAY feel these hormones after their child is born, and he too will want to put his lifes pleasures aside for his child...

You say he has two others??? I wouldn't hold much hope out for that happening then...

Reason I bring up hormones, is because oxytosine is the same hormone that is released between two people that are falling in love... However some people manage to lose it, generally out of their own self interest, but it is what kept a lot of families back when glued together...


I would have to say neither gender for the most part make for good long term life partners.


That really is a sad statement... That is why when people embark on the love boat, they should be looking at all the things it takes for them to BE a good partner... It isn't easy, especially when you do have children.

Yesterday my So found out that my son got into some M&M's my SO had bought. It has been my son and I for a very long time (almost 8 yrs, and unless it was something really special, he could take some, and make sure not to make a pig of himself.) This annoyed my SO a great deal, I apologized, and reminded him that it does take a bit for everyone to get used to the idea of things changing.

I refuse to apologize that I didn't hide candy, or what have you from my son, simply because my son GENERALLY knows the limits to take some, and leaving some for others.

Building relationships that can withstand the small assaults of life is tough...

However having a willingness to talk with each other, and to let each other know that they are willing to work on these things goes miles I believe...
 Alabamamam
Joined: 4/8/2008
Msg: 88
Another question to single parents (being brutal here)
Posted: 2/2/2009 9:35:20 AM
Let me join this discussin. First, I believe it was an interesting and well-thought question to post. I do not see that the original question has anything to do with should people have kids or not, should they do it only if they are married or choose to do it while single.
The difference between sinlgle parents and individuals who do not have kids (and it is my opinion) that single parents has to stay in touch and communicate with another parent at least for years to come. I guess when there is no communication or another parent is not in the picture, or sees the kid twice a year it is different. The post has to do with another parenet who creates major problems.
Sure, people may have problems at work, crazy boss, career transition, even a difficult divorce. In this case people can take a temporary break from dating before the issues will be solved. But another parent has to be in the picture for years ahead.
In addition, when it comes to kids of course most people take things very serious and I believe it is the right thing to do. That of course brings us to the point that people will get even more emotionally involved with such serious issues. Of course such stage of mind and major bad things that you have with another parent that are very frustrating to a large degree doesn't work in your behalf when you start dating or go into relationship.
 nexthyme
Joined: 9/12/2007
Msg: 91
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Another question to single parents (being brutal here)
Posted: 2/2/2009 2:15:42 PM

I am not sure why my OP has produced so much bashing among different respondents on a pretty personal level. It clearly was not an intention on my part.


Oh hun, this is the sad nature of the fora... I have to admit, I have been in pissing matches with people myself... It is silly, and some how we get involved in personal sparring I guess out of boredom...

Try and look at those that focus on WHAT YOU asked... You point was well taken, and thought of.

I have to say I had to look at my own life, and remember the times I took my own breaks to raise kids, and get my life where I needed to to go. When I had let my life fall apart, because sometimes we do that, I took nearly a two year break to pull it back together.

Whether a person has kids, or their life is just a mess of self induced drama, it shouldn't be dropped into someone elses life, because that simply doesn't work real well.
 ChocolateNutt
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 92
Another question to single parents (being brutal here)
Posted: 2/2/2009 2:39:29 PM
I just think it's not fair to expect Joe Blow to put his whole life on hold because his ex-wife Jane Blow is a crackpot whose behaviour he has no control over and may never change in his lifetime. I don't think anyone expects another person's behaviour to be held against them.

Nutt
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