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Joined: 12/23/2008
Msg: 25
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Why do women put themselves in this position?Page 3 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
Maybe she has miserable self-esteem, yes, maybe she needs his money, maybe she's simply a massochist who derives pleasure from pain. I don't get it either, but, xXx, since this clearly bothers you, I'd deal with how it makes YOU feel. Since you can't deal with it, might want to stop being nosy and find yourself another female friend. Or are YOU one of "those" types who thrives on drama?
Joined: 1/21/2009
Msg: 26
Why do women put themselves in this position?
Posted: 1/28/2009 9:29:45 AM
Drama follows me. I try to ditch it...but somehow I'm in it or it follows me. Lol.
Joined: 7/15/2006
Msg: 27
Why do women put themselves in this position?
Posted: 1/28/2009 9:37:26 AM
You can't make choices for other people - that's a tough lesson to learn because we always want what's best for the people we love.
All you can do is be there for her when she needs you, give her the information she needs to find help and listen to her when she needs an ear. She's not going to change anything in her life until she is ready to. I have a friend in a relationship she shouldn't be in too. I give her advice when she asks for it and I don't pull any punches. She respects my opinion, knows I am right in this situation but to her, the devil you know is better than the one you don't. She's come a long way with building her self esteem but she's not there yet and until she is, she is going to continue her pattern with her "boyfriend". I think your friend is in the same position. Hopefully she realizes it before it's too late as some people have suggested.
Joined: 1/2/2009
Msg: 28
Why do women put themselves in this position?
Posted: 1/28/2009 9:42:09 AM
If I was that chick I'd be running as fast I could. For some reason, there just see,s to be some women who would rather be with a guy who treats them like shit instead of a nice guy. Havn't quite figured that one out yet.
Joined: 10/11/2008
Msg: 30
Why do women put themselves in this position?
Posted: 1/28/2009 7:44:30 PM
Some people find it hard to break the routine, they get into a repetative lifestyle and cant change or find it hard to change, they are afraid of somethin new happening in their life. Also I think that your friend needs you there to constantly remind her of the crap she is putting up with and shouldnt, if it wasnt for my friends constantly nagging me, I would have not come to my senses I dont think you should make this issue about you, but about helping your friend get away from the negativity, sorry if I sound rude, I dont mean to. :)
Joined: 8/12/2007
Msg: 31
Why do women put themselves in this position?
Posted: 1/29/2009 12:30:13 AM
OP... It's obvious from your post that your good friend has a lesson to learn in her life. As painful and confusing as that may be for you to watch, I think that you're describing someone who has some big questions about her life and her self that she must find answers for on her own.

Having said that, I will also say that I think that the families and friends of those that are being abused become involuntary victims of the abuser. They are being "vicariously abused" in that they are all of a sudden forced to live with worry and fear about their loved one. (By the same token, chances are good that the abuser is making their loved one worry and fear for her friends and family as well... Abusers often use their target's love and concern for her friends and family to terrorize so we need to keep that in the forefront as well).

Inevitably, you reach a place where it begins to make you angry that the person who "keeps going back" doesn't seem to care that you are worried about her so in this, you also become HER victim.

What to do with all of this? Some say, don't cast "judgment". I disagree. I think it's critically important that you set boundaries around what you will tolerate in terms of becoming a victim of both the victim and her abuser. Somebody has to have some boundaries and it may as well start with you. How many boundaries or how far you have to go to become comfortable with your friendship as it is now, rests entirely on your judgment. It's sad to say but sometimes, the only time an abuse victim will slam the brakes on the abusive relationship is when they realize that their families and friends are not willing to allow themselves to be abused by the situation. If you can get it across to the victim that you are pulling back BECAUSE you love her and believe in her ability to show strength in her choices, THAT can be the catalyst that pulls her back into reality.

I realize that this rides against the grain for a lot of people who believe that a true friend will silently remain "there" at all times but in order to turn a victim into a survivor, sometimes you have to remind them that they ARE making a decision and it's one that is hurtful and worrisome.

Through my own familiarity with this subject, I have learned (the hard way) that some women (and men) become addicted to the chaos, crisis and yes, even the sympathy they receive for having to put up with an abuser. When they stop getting all their highs and all that attention and sympathy, they actually pull themselves up and start making some of the right decisions. Sometimes, we have to love someone enough to let go so that they realize that we believe in them and their ability to make better decisions for themselves and even for us...

I should add that people who are addicted to the crisis, chaos and sympathy will often be extremely angry with those who refuse to "play". Such people need extreme counselling and need to be encouraged to seek it.

It's called "tough love". We don't abandon but we do detach. The boundaries begin here...
Joined: 7/19/2008
Msg: 32
Why do women put themselves in this position?
Posted: 1/29/2009 1:47:20 AM
I've been on your friends side of things, and for most people on the outside it seems much easier than it really is to just walk away from a relationship like that. I too dated a drug dealer, who in turn got me hooked on drugs, he controlled who i talked to, what i did, what i wore, amongst all of that I suffered from serious physical, mental, sexual and emotional abuse. It was definitely one of the hardest scariest experiences that I've ever had. And at the same time, the hardest experience to get out of.
I too had friends try to step in and "Rescue" me from this horrible situation that "I had put myself in, over and over again." Unfortunately, when all is said and done, if he treats her like shit in front of you, and her other friends; chances are that he treats her 100 times worse in private, or while they are alone. These guys put on a nasty front, but they are even nastier when it comes down to one on one time. He's probably feeding her lines like "no one else can ever love you, or you think you friends care, they just want us to break up." Over and over again it starts to sink in, and eventually you are so secluded from everyone, you have no choice but to believe that what he is saying is true, after all he tricks her into believing that he is the only one there for her.
What I always suggest to girls that have friends in dangerous situations, is to seek out professional advice. Go to an Abuse clinic and talk to someone, participate in family/friend programs to really understand how to help. If an intervention is somethign that is needed, do it with a professional, they will have answers and options for her, and will have an answer to all of her worries. You can't rescue her, but you can help guide her out of a bad situation. Just approach it the right way, chances are she's scared as hell, and doesn't know how to get out.

Good Luck & God Bless
Joined: 3/28/2007
Msg: 33
Why do women put themselves in this position?
Posted: 1/29/2009 8:08:30 AM
Well after reading this it reminds me of playing "relationship counselor" with a few of my former friends that are girls. All the time complaining about the "other guy" wondering wither or not she should stay or go. You know what I found out that I was just an avenue for them to complain to so that they would go home happy. A venting person. Now I'm so much different if someone that I know starts b1tching about there s/o I change the subject or just leave. But its different for guys, to be a guy and do this your a stereotypical "nice guy" that everyone wants to use and abuse.

But for two women its a little different. Your just good friends. IMO either stand back and let her learn the hard way and be there when she needs you. Or stay out the way completely don't try and play "hero" thats where most guys mess up there friendships with girls so I assume thats how girls loose friendships with each other also.

On to the control factor. One of the reasons I'm so picky when it comes to choosing someone else is because I can't "let my guard down" and pick a girl that describes the guy in this story.

Best of luck to everyone
Joined: 5/3/2006
Msg: 34
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Why do women put themselves in this position?
Posted: 1/29/2009 8:47:48 AM
Funny how when we stand on the outside of a relationship that we can clearly see how bad it is.. but when we are in it, we can't.

I have a GF who is very special to me. I adore her and her kids... but her new man is a class A jacka$$. I love her and tell her and listen when she ****es about him, but I've stopped trying to tell her how to live her life. I'll be there for her long after he's out of the picture.

Hardest part about being a friend is sitting back and watching while someone you care about self-destructs. It's not your job to tell her how to live her life.. she's a grown-a$$ed adult, right? Capable of making decisions?? Not that she's making the ones you want her to make. She's making the ones she wants to make. Just be there to pick up the pieces without judging her.
Joined: 6/9/2007
Msg: 35
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Why do women put themselves in this position?
Posted: 1/29/2009 8:55:03 AM
Its hard being a friend sometimes!!

She isnt going to listen to you, She might pretend to be listening to you but in the end she is going to do what she wants, and you will be one of the people to pick up the pieces afterwards!
As for you hating him! I really dont think they care how you feel about him! You arent the one he is dating!
The only thing you can do is stand at the sidelines and watch everything unfold . Just have the hope that she will come to her senses before he hurts her.

Another thing you should be careful of..
Try not to interfere to much! If this guy has that much power over her, He could talk her into choosing him over you! Then there will be no way you could protect her.
Joined: 2/12/2008
Msg: 36
Why do women put themselves in this position?
Posted: 1/30/2009 4:12:49 PM
Thats why you have family ladies hopefully brothers included .

Baseballbats are only 10.95 .

one smake over the back of the head priceless
Joined: 6/9/2007
Msg: 37
Why do women put themselves in this position?
Posted: 2/8/2009 1:26:34 AM

I will get killed for this, but some women enjoy this type of crap.

Actually, some women get killed, and it isn't that they "enjoy" it, but it is a series of psychological problems that lead them to think that they do deserve it.

One of my best childhood friends was killed by her drug crazed BF in front of their three year old daughter. When she started dating him, you would have thought that when he rammed her car against a tree with his logging truck that she would have left him, but she didn't.

She stayed for years. She kept saying that she loved him and that he wanted to change. When she finally decided to leave, he consistently harassed her, setting fire to her car, stalking her, etc. She would call the cops but didn't press charges because he told her he would "get her" when he got out of jail.

He got her anyway.

She stayed because of how she was raised and a history of family abuse going back to at least her grandparents. She stayed because she wanted to believe he would change, and she stayed out of fear.

Did she like it? Nope.

Neither does he like serving a life sentence in prison, but he is alive, and she isn't.

gwendolyn2008 ...thank you for sharing. Truly a very sad reality.

Joined: 5/26/2008
Msg: 38
Why do women put themselves in this position?
Posted: 2/8/2009 4:48:17 AM

I've dated a man somewhat like the man you have described whose dating your gf. I will tell you not too many people who know I date him like him--because a majority of the time he can be a pompous arse, but sometimes it's that bad boy syndrome that kicks in---not a good excuse to date an a$$hole--but it's true.

My manfriend tried pulling that crap with me and I did the polar opposite. I think the fact I was a 'challenge' was the biggest reason he sought me out because I'm fiesty and unpredictable. In regard to your friendship with the lady in question--if ya truly good friends all you can do is support your friendship and try to overlook her bad choice ( in your opinion) of boyfriends.

I have a few very close friends--but my closest and dearest gal pal may hate my choice in a lover---but she's always been a steadfast friend. We support each other...laugh together...cry together...b*tch about our men together...etc. If your gf is blowing you off for a guy whose a jerk perhaps the problem isn't really him but HER.

I've always believed a good friend knows everything about you and loves you anyway---I have learned to worry less about the actions of others and only worry about my own. I'm sorry she's hurt you, but it often is the folks we hold most dear who tend to break our hearts the most.
Joined: 12/23/2008
Msg: 39
Why do women put themselves in this position?
Posted: 2/9/2009 1:04:18 AM
Hi michy,

I can soo relate to this post. My best friend from twenty years ago was the exact same way. Would you believe she actually called him from the hospital at his other girlfriend's house to let him know she was about to deliver their baby, and he said, "ok well, good luck" and hung up???? She was so wrecked.....I was so angry at him for treating her like that, I seriously considered introducing him to my baseball bat......(I was a lot more impulsive back then ~lol~) but the next morning, he showed up at the hospital with flowers, so he was completely forgiven..... it was like nothing had even happened. Unbelievable, no? For years, she would call me crying about something asinine he had done, but as soon as I said anything negative about him, or suggested she break up with him, she started defending him, and I became the bad guy....Such a strange phenomina, the dynamic between an abuser and their victim. It's actually called a "trauma bond" and has a lot to do with her insecurities and self esteem issues. It's so sweet and generous of you to try to help her and support her, but this is something she will have to come to terms with for herself, on her own. If you want to continue your friendship with her, I suggest being supportive from a distance, and try not to be too emotionally involved with the fallout from that particular situation. Listen to the complaints for as long as you can stomach it, but don't make any suggestions, or try to tell her what to do....just simply let her know you understand that she's hurting, and you are sorry to see it, then change the subject to a different topic. Definately don't make sacrifices that you will end up resenting later, (like cancelling your plans because he put her into crisis mode, knowing tomorrow, when he calls, she'll ditch you like a hot potato and go running to accomodate him). Too often, we want to "fix" things for people we care about, but it isn't our responsibility, in fact it's completely inapproriate for us to try. We can only control ourselves, and allow others to act on their free will as well.

Also, try not to take it personally when these things happen. I wouldn't assume she doesn't value you as a friend....I'd say it's more like she doesn't value herself, and that causes her to make decisions that aren't in her best interest (like not giving you the gratitude and appreciation you feel you deserve). I'm sure you're finding it hard to respect her as well, watching her allow herself to be degraded that way. But getting angry with her will not benefit the situation at all.

If the situation causes emotional distress for you, you should be honest (and kind) with her about that, and just let her know that you will be there for her when she is able to reciprocate your caring, but it's too hard for you to watch her stay in an abusive situation, and you value yourself too much to continue a close friendship when you feel you are being taken for granted. It's hard to stand back and watch someone we care about willingly stay in a destructive relationship, but it's not our place to control the decisions they make. The kindest thing you can do is have some compassion for her damaged sense of self, and give her the space she needs to get it figured out.

When she get's tired of being a doormat, she'll pull it together, and if she's lucky, you'll be able to get find some forgiveness in your heart for her, and get your friendship back on track. You seem like a very supportive and invested friend.
Joined: 10/30/2008
Msg: 40
Why do women put themselves in this position?
Posted: 2/9/2009 4:39:18 AM
Keep yourself out of your friend's relationship-you can only tell her once how you feel about it.At times it is better to love your friend from the distance.the more you tell her to get out of the situation .....the more she will be in it.If you truly loved your friend you would allow her to make her own stupid mistakes.If you keep on harping at her yopu'll lose her for life.You can NOT give your friend self confidence.that is what she needs more than anything else.Any woman with self confidence will not have a man treat her like this.
Men who are loosers(like the bf)will look for women without self confidence.........the sex,the put downs are part of the controlling game.
The jerk sees you as a confident woman....and hates you too!That's the rule!
Joined: 4/19/2007
Msg: 41
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Why do women put themselves in this position?
Posted: 2/9/2009 12:36:41 PM

My thoughts on why she went back to him is money. He's a drug dealer and I literally hate him.

What are your thoughts about this situation,and why do you think girls like these put themselves in another heart ache?
Better the devil you know?

All I can tell you, is that to get away is easy. To stay away is very, very hard. I'm afraid that keeping away from abuse is not that dissimilar to staying away from alcohol, or from drugs, and it requires the same resolution. Every day, you have to get up, and say that you will do whatever it will take, to not go back to that life, that you WILL solve ALL your problems, because if you don't, you'll go back, so he can solve your problems for you.

Just sit on the sidelines. If she ever does get the gumption to leave again, just be there for her, and remind her that there are only 2 ways this can end, her staying away forever, or her going back and ending up in a pine box. She knows it. You know it. She just needs to hear it.
Joined: 10/30/2006
Msg: 42
Why do women put themselves in this position?
Posted: 2/9/2009 1:05:49 PM
I had a childhood friend that I havent talk to in years because of her husband. I couldnt stand him. She was never aloud to go anywhere without him. We'd talk on the phone and he'd sit beside her listening to the conversation. If I went to see her and we'd go out on the porch to talk, here he'd come sitting beside her. The last straw was when she went to the bathroom and he tried to get me to tell him how many men she'd slept with. I told him he needed to talk to her about that. She came out saying she knew I told him how many she'd been with because he told her I did. So in the end she believed him over me and I never talked to her again. So, so sad....
Joined: 11/7/2008
Msg: 43
Why do women put themselves in this position?
Posted: 2/9/2009 1:46:02 PM
I had a friend (now an EX friend), who hated the guy I used to date. She would always tell me all the terrible things she thought about him, etc. In reality he was a wonderful man...I lost him for a couple of months, because he didn't want to come between our friendship...I was miserable and pissed off at her for butting into my she's no longer my friend.

My advice: keep your opinion to yourself...if he breaks her heart BE there for her, but otherwise STAY AWAY. Just because YOU think he's an a-hole, doesn't mean he is one...perhaps it's just jealousy on your part?
Joined: 3/9/2008
Msg: 44
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Why do women put themselves in this position?
Posted: 2/9/2009 2:21:18 PM
Welcome to the world of ex-best friends...
And welcome to the world of frustrated concerned friends of people in love who don't know what they're doing and are clueless of the true nature of the person they are going out with. Somehow, it's just a mental amnesia that goes on.
You just have to accept it and get other friends in the meantime. Be there for your friend, but don't let her drag you down. Remember, you are the company you keep...

Good luck!
Joined: 4/8/2005
Msg: 45
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Why do women put themselves in this position?
Posted: 2/10/2009 7:49:51 AM
Honestly, I think women are drawn to men who treat them badly or with disrespect. I notice this with most women I've known, including family members, etc. I know most women I've had anything to do with lose interest when I'm at my nicest and really giving my all in the relationship, but years ago when I was more aloof and kind of a jerk at times women stuck to me like glue. I'll never understand it.
Joined: 7/8/2008
Msg: 46
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Why do women put themselves in this position?
Posted: 2/12/2009 8:41:24 AM
sumo sumo lol that is funny,,, I guess to some woman it is better to have a piece of crap with a cake crumbs than nothing at all.
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 47
Why do women put themselves in this position?
Posted: 2/12/2009 9:39:54 AM
When a friend who's hurt comes to you to talk about it and basically tells you everything that's wrong about the someone they've been hurt by, it's extremely hard to watch them get over it, go back and get hurt in the exact same way.

Along with it goes the total badmouthing of the person in question while they are upset, and then the total defensive denial or unsolicited justification that occurs when they are finally ok with it and things are on the upswing and so they expect you to just be ok with it too. It's completely irrational, and I have a hard time going with the flow on that. Myself being someone that'd rather be single than put up with just about anything, really it's not my forte to continually comfort a friend over the same outcome repeatedly.

It's really something I have trouble with when it comes to my friends. I'll be there for you once, but then I expect you to either accept it or do something to change it. That thing where they go thru the same cycle over and over and seem surprised and hurt just really kills me. I'd rather not really hear about it more than once.

I don't always know why women do this, but I do know I can't identify with it, and I see men do the same thing...sometimes we're better off staying out of it and letting them learn whatever they need to for themselves. Wait for the final big breakup and THEN step in and comfort them.
Joined: 3/8/2007
Msg: 48
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Why do women put themselves in this position?
Posted: 2/12/2009 12:09:30 PM
My best friend, who I love dearly,

You were her support when she needed you.

I told her that I didn't want anything to do with her

She just lost her support.

He treats her like shit

He may but she still loves him and typical of abuse the abused return/leave/return till they escape the pattern.

Op if she were my friend that I Love dearly...
I would never turn my back...even if I don't agree.
Joined: 6/9/2007
Msg: 49
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Why do women put themselves in this position?
Posted: 2/21/2009 6:14:55 AM
If that was me I also would be LOOOOOOOOOOOONG gone!

I am in a very similar situation with my best friend. She is a very smart, beautiful woman who lets he husband get away with some sh*t that I would NEVER EVER put up with. I just don't understand it at all, I can't seem to get my head around it.

The man (I use that term very loosely as I don't see this person as a real man) in question has many faults such as:

1. Hasn't had a real job in approx. 6 years. Hasn't been looking for one either. He say he wants to work but only on "his" terms. What he really likes to do is stay home, sleep in to 3 in the afternoon, eat all the food in the house and play video games while she works a full time job and has even taken a second night job at one point to try to make ends meet. Because of this issue they have been evicted from at least 3 places that they have lived in. And to top it all off for the longest time she was still paying for their child to be in daycare while she worked (even though he was home every day) because he didn't want to watch their son.

2. He has gotten a pretty serious drug habit in the last two years (the hard stuff, coke, heroin, etc...), he has overdosed twice last year alone. Now my friend is stuck having to pay his medical bills for substance abuse which by far are not cheap (thousands of dollars). He has went as far as stealing the keys to their only car from under her pillow in the middle of the night to buy drugs. Of course he has also smashed up their car pretty good too. And yes he has stolen money out their bank account, taken the max on cash advances from their credit cards, and very likely pawned her wedding ring, all for drug money.

3. He puts pressure on her about having sex. She had some major medical issues after having their child about 5 years ago and had to undergo a hysterectomy two years ago and not to say that during that time they never had sex but they did have it much less frequently as it was very painful for her. Now even after all her health problems and what he's been doing he reminds her on a regular basis just how many days it's been since they had sex.

4. During the last approx. 2 years he has also tried to kill himself (not including the over dosing) by trying to shoot himself and hang himself. He has also gotten paranoid and from time to time thinks that she is cheating on him (which she is not).

It seems that no matter what happens, she simply goes on with life stating that she is still trying to make her marriage work. I'm sorry but doesn't it take two people to make an effort to make a marriage work.

For my own sanity I have been slowly distancing myself from her and her crazy drama filled life. I just can't listen to it anymore and I don't know what I can do to help her.

It's sad to say but I have come to the conclusion that you can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves.
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