Notice: Forums will be shutdown by June 2019

To focus on better serving our members, we've decided to shut down the POF forums.

While regular posting is now disabled, you can continue to view all threads until the end of June 2019. Event Hosts can still create and promote events while we work on a new and improved event creation service for you.

Thank you!

Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > Toilet seats and toothpaste      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 *mae* flowers
Joined: 1/15/2006
Msg: 31
Toilet seats and toothpastePage 3 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
Isn't that the key? Find someone that, no matter what irritating habits they might possess - you simply can't imagine your life without them?



...I'm hoping to find someone that feels that way about me ...I'm sure I have some, just can't think of any at the moment.....* bats her eyeslashes innocently*

...maeflowers
 *mae* flowers
Joined: 1/15/2006
Msg: 32
Toilet seats and toothpaste
Posted: 2/6/2009 6:19:13 PM

I have two inter-related theories about why we argue about "the little things".

First of all, when we're "in love", either at the beginning or when things are flowing along, smooth sailing, it's easy to accept or overlook our partner's quirks and flaws. We may make little jokes about it here and there, but rarely does it blow up into a full out argument.

But when we're upset about deeper issues, those cute little quirks suddenly start to grate on our nerves and fester. That's when the arguments about the little things start.

Second, we argue about the little things because it's easier sometimes than bringing up the bigger, scarier issues that mean more to us- the ones that we might not want to know the answers to. Are you having an affair? Do we have enough money? Do you still love me?


...Makes a lot of sense. I also think one partner often over looks those flaws or quirks thinking that they will change those patterns or habits....and when that doesn't happen, that's when the conflict begins.

Being in a successful happy relationship takes a lot of work, you've got to be willing to put in the time and work through those " quirky little issues" ....And forget about who comes out the winner...

...maeflowers
 *mae* flowers
Joined: 1/15/2006
Msg: 33
Toilet seats and toothpaste
Posted: 2/7/2009 3:11:40 PM
...Ah, the old stab & run..... I suppose I could respond but why bother and what would that accomplish? I have found that people that feel the need to put others down are covering up for lack of self- confidence and low self esteem...makes them feel more powerful somehow I guess...... like I stated earlier, with age I have learned to pick my battles and some just aren't worth fighting over.


...maeflowers
 *mae* flowers
Joined: 1/15/2006
Msg: 34
Toilet seats and toothpaste
Posted: 2/7/2009 9:21:12 PM

I have my own bathroom and toothpaste... no one uses either. I think if I do have another relationship there will be 2 bathrooms involved.


I do too....I have teenage daughters and they share the downstairs bathroom, what a mess...somedays I just walk by and shut the bathroom door.

I laughed when I watched the movie "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days" when he opened the medicine cabinet and it was filled with "feminine products" Having his & hers bathrooms is not always plausible...maybe two medicine cabinets?

...maeflowers
 Swantz
Joined: 1/15/2008
Msg: 35
view profile
History
Toilet seats and toothpaste
Posted: 2/9/2009 5:16:22 AM
If you have time to take the lid off - you have time to put it back; and that's not only toothpaste. Toilet seats - were never designed for standing only performances. C'mon guys, if it's that important to you - stand beside a barn, car door or a tree.
 c_deacon
Joined: 3/13/2005
Msg: 36
view profile
History
Toilet seats and toothpaste
Posted: 2/9/2009 12:16:11 PM
Think she was talking about that "big" tube of toothpaste.........or, "big" toilet seat that has to be put down or the both of you would fall in..........

Sometimes I wondered why I had more bathrooms than bedrooms, and now I know................

Just my opinion.......
 Miss W
Joined: 12/4/2006
Msg: 37
Toilet seats and toothpaste
Posted: 2/9/2009 12:58:51 PM

I have my own bathroom and toothpaste... no one uses either. I think if I do have another relationship there will be 2 bathrooms involved.

I still believe that a duplex is the best option, but if one must cohabit, then different bathrooms are a must as is a housekeeper. A housekeeper is a necessity as it frees up time to be the cook and the upstairs maid.
 *mae* flowers
Joined: 1/15/2006
Msg: 38
Toilet seats and toothpaste
Posted: 2/12/2009 10:39:36 PM

The only real problem I had with my ex is that he seemed not to notice me anymore.


I know how that feels. I almost made the biggest mistake of my life... trying to get his attention.


...maeflowers
 Dceeeee
Joined: 8/7/2006
Msg: 39
Toilet seats and toothpaste
Posted: 2/16/2009 3:55:30 PM
I also agree that these little things are not important enough to argue over. Whoever is the most affected by it, can fix the 'problem'. If it bothers me when he leaves the cupboard open, I'll close it. If his shoes are left in the middle of the floor,and it bothers me, I'll move them... and hopefully he'll do the same thing if something bothers him. I wouldn't mind being told, as it may be something I could fix on my own, but didn't REALIZE it bothered him...but if either of us keep forgetting....fix it. It's much easier to remove the source of irritation than to get into an argument about it. I've always believed in 'picking my battles'.

The same thing works with housework. I live with my daughter, and we each do the job that we notice needs done. Maybe something will 'bug' her, but not me, so she'll do it. If it is something that I notice first, *I'll* do it...problem solved.

As for ...
"Well, I guess every time I thought about leaving, I decided my life was better with him than without him."
That's what I always use as my criteria...."Am I happier WITH him in my life?....or would I be happier WITHOUT him?" Life is too short to not be happy, and if it's too big to be solved by the above mentioned tactics...such as alcoholism or abuse...then it's time to get out.

~DC~
 *mae* flowers
Joined: 1/15/2006
Msg: 40
Toilet seats and toothpaste
Posted: 2/16/2009 10:35:37 PM

.It's much easier to remove the source of irritation than to get into an argument about it. I've always believed in 'picking my battles'.



..That's the point I've been trying to make....


Maybe my tolerance levels have changed over the years or maybe I have become more proficient at dealing with conflict resolution, but whatever it is, it makes perfect sense to me, and I know I have read that somewhere as well...pick you're battles. I know I practice that method with my children...and it works, saves so much grief.



With that being said...what have you learned from past relationships....what will you take or not take into the next relationship......



...maeflowers....make love not war
 prof48
Joined: 3/17/2005
Msg: 41
Toilet seats and toothpaste
Posted: 2/16/2009 10:46:52 PM

I still believe that a duplex is the best option,

Hmmm. Saw the end of one marriage coming when she suggested separate bedrooms. Apparently one bathroom was fine. lol
 canyunflyer
Joined: 2/6/2006
Msg: 42
view profile
History
Toilet seats and toothpaste
Posted: 3/15/2009 8:51:33 AM
"What ya see, is what ya get"

Take this one to the bank and deposit it wisely. "Expectations are just pre-meditated resentments" , thats a very good one too!

The Point: It is in the "picking" part of your relationship that you have the most power to affect the outcome. After that, the truth is we are all pretty powerless.

Your great character and relationship skills are for sustaining what is a good relationship in the beginning. They will not "fix" a wrong choice.

Most of us on these mature personal sites and forums had defective "pickers" to some degree or another. This is where we need to do our work.

Toilet seats, toothpaste, open cupboards and socks on the floor are just symptoms of much deeper underlying issues. They become annoying 'topics' which (if we allow them) keep us from focusing on the real issues.
 *mae* flowers
Joined: 1/15/2006
Msg: 43
Toilet seats and toothpaste
Posted: 3/15/2009 9:11:27 AM

BTW, Maeflowers, it's "hasta la vista baby" not "austa



...Thanks for your well thought out contribution, spelling errors are important too....I'll take that as well intended.


...maeflowers
 *mae* flowers
Joined: 1/15/2006
Msg: 44
Toilet seats and toothpaste
Posted: 3/16/2009 4:43:11 PM

The thing I have learned and will carry into any relationship is that communication is the key to any lasting relationship as well as flexibility. If you have those two things then you avoid having to battle in the first place. Sure we all want to set some ground rules but as you grow some things change and with flexibility and communication things never become major issues. Mutual respect goes along way in any kind of realtionship.


..Your whole post makes a lot of sense. And that was the point I was trying to make when starting this thread in the first place...."What have we learned, how have we grown, what valuable life experiences/lessons will we take into our next relationship?"

Communicaion & respect...yes.

...maeflowers
 Sunfish
Joined: 11/18/2007
Msg: 45
Toilet seats and toothpaste
Posted: 3/19/2009 6:58:21 PM
My ex's complaints always seemed unreasonable to me and if I didn't comply it was not out of disrespect I just had a different value system. Now it has come to haunt me as I am now seeing a women who is at the far end of the spectrum of disorderlyness and as much as I value her friendship I am not sure if I can see a future for us. Ever watch that show "how clean is your house"..well we are getting pretty close here. This women has openly admitted to her own inability to function in this regard. I want to jump in and turn things around for her (show her the way ..ha ha) but it feels really awkward and I am thinking I may be wasting my time even though there has been no signs of resistance to the small things I have done so far.
My own experience tells me that people can change if motivated as I too have been where she is now. I believe people can get so overwhelmed by their situations (depression can play a part in that) and need a leg up. Sometimes I believe I am being superficial about this as she is a great person to hang with just not in her house.
 *mae* flowers
Joined: 1/15/2006
Msg: 46
Toilet seats and toothpaste
Posted: 3/19/2009 10:57:15 PM

My own experience tells me that people can change if motivated as I too have been where she is now. I believe people can get so overwhelmed by their situations (depression can play a part in that) and need a leg up.


...I believe that to be true. I seem to go through phases of mild depression, not sure if I would even call it depression, more like the blues I guess. Anyhow, that seems to happen when there isn't much going on in my life. Right after Christmas...I started feeling the post holiday blues, the weather was ugly, grey and cold... I was feeling lonely and so damn frustrated with this whole dating thing...It all kinda hit me like a ton of bricks for a while and like your friend, I only did the bare mininum as far as house work was concerned.

Luckily, those phases don't last long and I usually snap out of it in no time. (In all honesty it bugs the hell out of me when things are untidy) If I were her I would have been pretty grateful for a friend willing to help with the housework.

...maeflowers
 *mae* flowers
Joined: 1/15/2006
Msg: 47
Toilet seats and toothpaste
Posted: 3/20/2009 7:09:20 PM
Oh yuk....I watched this show about a couple who were going through a divorce and they were always trying to "up" one another. so one morning finds him casually leaning up against the bathroom door watching his wife brush her teeth. Of course they get into it again and he proceeds to walk away. But not before he says, " People should never leave their tooth brushes lying around. If someone wanted to be mean and nasty, shoving it up the dog's butt would be a great pay back. "


...maeflowers
 OldFolkie
Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 48
view profile
History
Toilet seats and toothpaste
Posted: 3/20/2009 8:02:07 PM
This whole thread brought a flashback to me... The Motto of the Possum Lodge from the Red Green Show, recited at the start of each meeting.

Yes, I'm a man.
I can change, I suppose...
If I have to.
 davidsauvignon
Joined: 2/6/2008
Msg: 49
view profile
History
Toilet seats and toothpaste
Posted: 6/22/2010 12:43:15 PM

he's too dam lazy to clean up after his self & his pubic hairs. his vile filth & vermin as if to leave his callin card behind, I collected & put right in his ham sandwich

Granted, he should clean up after himself. But if it's all the same to you, I'll make my own sammiches, tyvm.





~ds~
 Rythmn
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 50
view profile
History
Toilet seats and toothpaste
Posted: 6/22/2010 2:08:13 PM
Well, there used to be a sign in the ladies room back east: "If you sprinkle, while you tinkle, Please be neat and wipe the seat!" For every uplifted toilet seat, I am sure there was a disposable napkin left here and there for most partners. If you have a good relationship, you work it out. If not, it becomes a big deal. In fact, everything becomes a big deal.

Personally, I'm tired of big deals. Some basic hygiene "even if" you are a couple is important, then consideration, then the true test of real love--loving the person for their good points and their frailties or little annoyances. Ssome cultures, even find bantering acceptable--as long as it's done with humor and each partner knows when NOT to cross the line.

I've not had problems with money. I have had problems with my ex's obsession with the sprinkler system and his use of toxic pesticides.. Ruined quite a number of good plants. I realized as time went by, half o f the cost was his, so there were more serious underlying issues. It was not about the sprinkler system.

However, a man who knows his sprinkler systesm-s or to at least stay away and hire a landscaper-- gets brownie point from me! I, in turn, have learned that my Brooklyn Jewish humor is not always understood here in CA! It's all about the lessons. I just hope I have the opportunity, with the "right man" to apply what I have learned.
 amethyst10616
Joined: 7/23/2009
Msg: 51
view profile
History
Toilet seats and toothpaste
Posted: 6/22/2010 8:28:05 PM
Little things, even little annoyances are easy enough to deal with. I think the big thing is whether you are both "we" people or "I" people. "We" people need to be together and like to be with lots of people where "I" people want to have their alone time, even from their mates.

I have become much more of an "I" person more than I used to be and for me, if someone needs to be texting, on the phone, emailing, or be together in person all of the time, it would not matter how he handled the toothpaste or the toilet seat, he would smother me. I need to have my own interests and my alone time now and again.
 AintNoDeal
Joined: 2/3/2010
Msg: 52
Toilet seats and toothpaste
Posted: 6/23/2010 12:00:07 AM
Everyone understands and agree with the idea of "Pick Your Battles" in order to have more peace in the home, however ---

Everyone DISagrees on what is worthy of a battle. The little things like toilet seats and toothpaste are particularly frustrating, as most would agree that the care and use of such items are such common-sense that any civilized adult should be taking care of their business without having to be watched like a child....and yet, these and many other living space details become battle lines.

- clothes on the floor
- food and food-related items left anywhere but the fridge or the garbage can
- toys/tools not properly stored
- unopened mail and unattended legal/financial documents
- dust - animal waste - hair - powders - dangerous chemicals left to accumulate anywhere

It only takes a short while for people to blow their fuse when inundated with these kinds of sloppy living conditions day after day after day.

Where is the humanity?
 davidsauvignon
Joined: 2/6/2008
Msg: 53
view profile
History
Toilet seats and toothpaste
Posted: 6/23/2010 6:09:05 AM

It only takes a short while for people to blow their fuse when inundated with these kinds of sloppy living conditions day after day after day.

Where is the humanity?

I hear ya. I'm not a neat freak, but I do a pretty good job of keeping my house clean, picking up after myself, etc. I don't think I would fair too well with a 'hoarder'. YIKES!!




~ds~
 Smarts and Heart
Joined: 12/15/2009
Msg: 54
Toilet seats and toothpaste
Posted: 6/23/2010 7:57:17 AM
OP...sometimes good relationships go bad despite all efforts and bad relationships endure. There's no rhyme or reason. I've never sweated the small things, and always picked my battles with the kids and with my spouse when we were married. I was literally the "godmother" and problem solver for everyone! Every single holiday was at my house, even for his extended family of 30 people! I worked 60- 70 hours a week in the family business and kept the family together!
We married really young and he "didn't realize how exeptional his family and wife really were simply because that's all he had ever known". (These are his own words, 4 years later!)
The cold cinders of his affair are truly no consolation now!

I divorced after 29 years of marriage after he had an affair with a co-worker and truthfully my life did a 180 degree turn for the better. The amount of stress in my life decreased 100%+, but up until 4 months after my separation I would never have believed that I was stressed, because that's all I had known. I suffered from high blood pressure and really high cholesterol that was not food related and my doctor kept insisting it was life-style related and that I had to change things! But I didn't know how to change things! Fate took care of it for me!
Within 6 months of my separation all levels were down to normal! 4 years later I feel better mentally and physically than I did 15 years ago!
What I've learned is to respect and love myself enough to expect the same consideration, support and love from a SO as I can give. I'm better off alone, than with someone who can't be there for me as well.
Sometimes an unbalanced relationship can jepordize your actual life!
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 55
Toilet seats and toothpaste
Posted: 6/23/2010 2:17:15 PM

With that being said...what have you learned from past relationships....what will you take or not take into the next relationship......for me, I know having a cat will save a lot future arguments.

LOL ~ funny!!

~OT~ I've never really cared about the "small stuff" like toothpaste/cleaning/laundry/toilet seats/etc. To me? I'm perfectly capable of screwing on a cap someone else leaves off, I know how to lower the toilet seat all by myself, I prefer to do the laundry/cleaning/cooking. It's the bigger things that lead to the path of destruction in my past. I was once of the mind-set that you really did have to give up one/two/or even a few things to have 5-10 other things that really meant a lot to you. My husband was fukin' funny, I mean hilarious. Intelligence? Smart, but definitely NOT someone who challenged or enriched me in that department. I overlooked it 18 years ago and lived with/without things that matter much more than toothpaste/hobbies/habits/quirks/etc. Valuable lesson learned: giving up ONE thing will likely lead to dozens of things that you didn't think were interlinked and you're likely going to be disappointed, frustrated, and a whole slew of other unpleasant things. It's all either there or it isn't and if it isn't? It isn't happening with/for me. JMO
Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > Toilet seats and toothpaste