|Sensitive issuesPage 12 of 12 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12)|
|Hahahahahaha... I just looked at your profile OP... I know now why you are protesting your innocence so much... You're a cop! Too freakin' funny. Now all the little things that didn't add up in your 9 pages of rants about how people misunderstood you makes much more sense.|
Fact is... you hooked up, had a one night stand with a woman who had issues, just like you had issues, and you were trying to make it sound like you were innocent. Hate to tell you this cowboy, but it takes two to tango and whatever you claimed before or after, both of you were willing partners in this mess.
Very few women on here really smacked you as you say, they just worked off what you provided and changed as the rant of nine pages grew... the reason I came back to this post was because being in the legal field, I KNEW that something fishy was about. Thing is... you weren't attacked for having a one night stand... you didn't read all the posts carefully... you were taken to account for your changes in story, for hooking up and then using her for an excuse to make it all right to have had sex with her.... the sex or one night stand was not the issue....
Now, for a smacking as you call it.... you as a sheriff's deputy know there are two sides to every story... I wonder would she see things the same way it took you nine pages to say...
The real issue is... you had a one night stand... and needed an excuse for your actions... why not just say you fcked up and had a one night stand and go on.
Posted: 2/4/2009 3:00:13 PM
|Msgs 211 &216|
Reading those further convinces me that the "sensitive issue" may belong way more to the OP than to the girl in question.
OP, I'm not going to tell you no one is judging you. That would be untrue. But some of us ARE trying to get you to examine your own overreactions. You are WAY too defensive over this deal.
But I hope someone is so quick to judge you and insult you when the time comes that you have to make an important decision.
What decision? You had made up your mind to not see the girl again. Your decision was made, you were just looking for sympathy and validation.When you didn't get exactly what you were looking for, you started getting pissy.
My last thought for all of you is that women can be just as cruel as men. So the next time you go to pick up that stone to throw at yet another "womanizer," step back and think how many men you probably ****ed up in the head through out the years.
Again with the rationalization.
That nice friend who never could ask you out, that guy who kept feeding you drinks which you accepted as a free night on the town, the guy who you loved liked a brother, the guy that you would complain about all of your relationship problems to, I'm sure plenty of you women have had potentially good men in your life that you would string along maybe not for sex, but for some sort of benefit
Oh yeah, we're all B*tches from Hell on wheels. But we aren't the ones having a hissy fit here.Just for the record, I personally have taken great pains, as I go through life,to NOT do the things you are whining about.
And far from really being your last thought, then you come back with another batch of rationalizations;
NICE threatening over the internet. I am sure if I even once hinted on the threat of violence, you women would be all over me like ants, right?
Let me tell you something about guy friends. I'm sure none of those great guy friends don't have any sort of motive, or atleast have never entertained the thought of being with you, right?
Oh yeah. Of course the only reason a man would be friends with a single woman would be for purposes of getting in her pants. Dude, you are giving yourself away more and more with every post.
That said, I do think the magnitude of your overreaction here, your anger because people didn't post messages that said "Hey dude, been there, done that, not your fault,the girl was in the wrong( for which? having sex with you? Or revealing her history of sexual trauma?) might suggest that you have NOT gotten past your own trauma as well as you think you have.
That's just my opinion,but 9 pages,fueled largely by your argumentative rationalizations,over what is essentially a one night stand,leads me to speculate that you are the one having trouble getting over this.
Posted: 2/4/2009 8:42:48 PM
To 2irish1 I was a victim of abuse myself if you read my posts and it is the very reason I became a police officer.To protect people the abused and stop people that do it. It is against everything that I am.
I'm sure you did.
Posted: 2/4/2009 9:00:39 PM
Seriously how do you close threads? Because I will not have people make things up without finding everything out first. I am not a rapist and if you ever said that to my face I would slap the shit out of you.
If you don't agree with the fact that I had a one night stand, good for you.
I talked to the girl already so its over and done with. I manned up already. Iam not a coward I am not a rapist and I am not someone that takes advantage of people. I am a good person, sure I make mistakes but who doesn't. I do not need or want your validation for morality or what you think is right. Maybe I am a little premiscuous but that's my business not yours. What is my business is if someone is accusing me of being something that I hate to no end. Stop watching lifetime movies about sexual molestation and thinking you have even a grasp to know what you are talking about.
I lived through sexual abuse too, and no that doesn't mean you have to feel sorry for me. I am a better person because of everything that I have went through.
The whole reason for this thread was how to tell this girl how it isn't going to work given all the factors. Not a cry for "make me feel better for haivng a one night stand." I can live with my decisions, but for you people to just start now calling me a rapist is so
Who's called you a rapist?
Posted: 2/4/2009 10:16:49 PM
I made a remark about they'll give anyone a gun it appears re: his profession...I said who knows what really happened we don't have her side of things, he kept switching his excuses of why he didn't want to see her anymore..first it was the molestation thing...then she was a racist and then he didn't like her to begin with... then I said something along the line...FOR ALL WE KNOW, he might have held a gun to her head (or something along that line) and justifying himself in case she was to come out with some truth about what really happened that night or bad mouthing him around his town/city, or to cover his azz (reason for this thread)...I said for all we know...I didn't say he did...I crossed the line and shouldn't have said that tho.
just too many changes and too many justifications from him in my opinion
You know, he mentioned a few times how he didn't want to write down every single detail about what his reasons were, what happened, etc. He gave us the bare-bones of what happened because he wanted advice, and provided the details over time as he felt the need to defend himself. Just because he didn't make a laundry list of everything that occurred, everything he felt and thought, doesn't mean he's just pulling things out of his butt as we go.
I agree with the post right above this one that I quoted. I would not have had anywhere near the patience the OP did before he freaked out. Honestly, I don't think anybody with a moderate amount of objectivity can look at this situation and decide he's an a-hole. Maybe he didn't handle things in the wisest way, but it's clear he has good intentions. What he did is done, so let's help him do something now.
God so much hate up in this business.
Posted: 2/5/2009 5:27:43 AM
|If this woman wanted to look like a saint, she wouldn't have had sex with a random stranger and then open up about a history of abuse.|
To me that just screams "Don't dump me I'm carrying severe emotional baggage and it will make you a****"
How you gonna say information like that on a first meeting is "a gift of knowledge" and not a "burden of truth."
I doubt anyone here would like it if I started sending them private messages about my emotional distress, most people wouldn't talk to me, but say we'd slept together... does that mean I now have at least a month, 2 months, a year of free amateur psychiatric help?
Honestly? What's he "supposed" to do in this situation? Besides, if she'd "opened up" about molestation after a 1 night stand (issues) what else could she have opened up about? I've known people like this, heck they aren't terrible people but they lack rational thought and good judgement sometimes... ok a lot of the time.
Oh and it's human instinct to defend oneself and one's honor when it's called into question. The fact is, if you defend yourself you look guilty, if you say nothing the silence is damning evidence. We all know socially it's guilty of whatever we can conjure up in our heads until proven beyond a shadow of a doubt otherwise.
Posted: 2/5/2009 10:37:24 AM
Hi OP,im afraid you are an a**hole and a big one.
Why would continuing your relationship not be healthy for you or her ?
Is she going to have too many issues for you to handle ?
I would break it off for her sake because she doesnt need an insensitive sh*t like you in her life.
See the post directly above mine.
Posted: 2/5/2009 10:39:36 AM
I met a girl last night and ended up having sex with her and she revealed to me some past issues regarding molestation. I am very aware of that type of situation and was very understanding, but I don't think that I should see her anymore because it would not be healthy for her or I, but I don't want to hurt her. I have never been that guy that doesn't return calls or just stops talking to a girl but I don't want to represent something that isn't going to happen. I just want to be as gentle as possible with her because I know how much courage and vulnerability it takes to tell someone that, and even though I don't know her that well I don't want to be insensitive. I don't know how do I break this off without being an ***hole?
Regardless of what anybody else did, or did not say, my response to the OP was that there isn't a way to do this gracefully and painlessly. There just ISN'T. This is one of these "Adventures in Modern Dating"fiasco situations where you just have to bite the bullet and accept that you screwed up and you are gonna be "the bad guy".
From a much later post by the OP;
The whole reason for this thread was how to tell this girl how it isn't going to work given all the factors
That's easy.You just do it.It ain't rocket science.
But I think what the OP really was looking for was some sort of comfort and absolution for the guilt HE was feeling. But most of us, for various reasons, could not in good conscience
give him that.And some posters had snap judgement/kneejerk reactions.And some pointed out that IT is possible to work through issues and have a functional relationship with someone who's experienced sexual trauma. So there was no way that a consensus of opinion was going to be achieved.
Personally I didn't consider the OP an asshat until he started with the adding on of excuses and the lashing out at other posters with lameass rationalizations. Had we all reassured him that first(and last)date sex was perfectly justified in this situation, he'd think we were all mighty fine and perceptive folks.
No 2Irish1, you're missing the point, you think every woman who has been abused will show the person signs they have been abused? if that was the case then the professionals at high school would of picked it up and have done something about it.
Anyone who has every touched, a woman who's been abused, knows right away, without having to be told, that she's been abused.
iceman and irish are both right...there ARE people who are exceptionally perceptive of body language,and very senstive to nonverbal cues. It's a gift not given to every person, but I'm sure that almost everyone knows some sort of "animal whisperer" or astonishingly intuitive person.
lived through sexual abuse too, and no that doesn't mean you have to feel sorry for me. I am a better person because of everything that I have went through.
Sorry, I can't 100% agree with that. I think the OP has NOT totally come to terms with his sexual trauma.For the most part I'm sure he does just fine,but I could see him having a pretty serious meltdown in certain situations. I see that Elvis has left the building, but if he comes back under a new ID and reads thi thread,I wish he would give some deep thought to getting help with his sexual trauma.I'm not any kind of professional,but his oversensitivity/overreacting,and some of his comments/choice of words seem out of whack to me.
don't think anybody with a moderate amount of objectivity can look at this situation and decide he's an a-holeI didn't at first,but I also could not say to him that there was some magic thought he could think, some magic words he could say,that would make him NOT be the bad guy. Sometimes in life, we have to make unpopular decisions or have unpleasant confrontations, and there just ain't a way to candy coat it.That's all I was trying to say to him. Of course, the fora being what they are,his topic pushed a few buttons for some folks. IT'S A FORUM, not a "Dear Abby" column.
I still don't think he's an asshat, but I do think the intensity of his reaction when he didn't get exactly what he wanted( because it doesn't exist) leads me to think that he's not as emotionally healthy as he thinks he is.
Posted: 2/5/2009 10:47:31 AM
|I agree with you Cindy, but just because his topic pushed some buttons doesn't mean people should lose their social graces. It's like the idea of dealing with each other with respect goes out the window because we're on the internet, whew. That's the nature of the beast, I guess.|
Posted: 2/5/2009 10:51:34 AM
|Sure, but the OP's experience isn't the same as yours and he's pretty clearly trying to do the right thing. A little encouragement is needed. If you'd read his posts, at least, you'd probably get a better sense of his character.|
I always think people should use their personal experiences to help out with giving advice, but letting it control your view on things isn't the way! These things are subjective.
Posted: 2/5/2009 12:26:06 PM
To mrcyrus,having now read the whole eleven pages plus the OPs previous threads i have to say i have not changed my mind at all on this one.As he said he has had many one night stands,fair enough if thats the way he wants to lead his life,but he has to be prepared for the consequences and trying to prove he is a good guy just doesnt wash.
Good people have one night stands. It is not someone's responsibility to make sure their partner is emotionally stable enough for one. A bad guy wouldn't have bothered to talk to the girl about not wanting to see her anymore, don't you see that? I see a clear distinction between the OP and what I would consider a 'bad' person.
Opie, OP was annoyed. He would not actually slap a person in real life if it wasn't warranted, I'm sure. To you, too, I want to say that good people have one night stands. If two people want to have sex and have no interest in getting to know each other first, that's their prerogative. He's my age, and we younguns are not exactly the most emotionally stable just yet. His intentions were clearly positive regarding this situation, so let's not judge him based on his reactions to all the flack he's received.
It's easy to criticize, I realize, but come on.
Posted: 8/10/2009 7:23:38 PM
|I agree, just because someone did u wrong, don't take it out on the next guy!|
Posted: 11/2/2009 9:12:02 AM
|Dude, sorry but IMO, you are an a**hole. This girl revealed her innermost personal secret to you and you want to dump her over it. |
Being a physical abuse survivor, I have to say what happened to her is not her fault.
She'd be better off without someone like a user like you.
Posted: 11/2/2009 7:33:07 PM
|[It happened to me too, so I don't appreciate when people assume I don't know what it feels like to be in her situation, and how shitty of a person this would make me if I would jsut stop talking to her. But it would not be a healthy relationship, its just too painful for me, but I don't want to hurt her. I just don't know what to do.]|
As to the above, how is it, then, that you had no problem jumping into bed with her? Are you intimating that it is more painful to lay with someone who has similar experiences to your own? Sounds fishy, to say the least.
Posted: 11/2/2009 7:46:47 PM
|you met her then had sex with her???|
hmmm. that doesn't sound like you knew her all that well to begin with before even having sex with her.
besides all of that seeing she felt that comfy with you to reveal something like that after sleeping with you takes alot for a woman.
and now your going to dump her because of it.
Posted: 11/2/2009 8:34:58 PM
|Survivors have trust issues cause the ones they trust are the ones who often do the abuse. This girl trusted you and you want to drop her like a hot potato. I don't see how we can learn to trust when those we open up to want to stick it to us.|
Posted: 11/2/2009 9:25:33 PM
|barbee1970 wrote: |
Survivors have trust issues cause the ones they trust are the ones who often do the abuse. This girl trusted you and you want to drop her like a hot potato. I don't see how we can learn to trust when those we open up to want to stick it to us.
barbee, get real, this young lady has deep seated problems that need to be addressed. She had sex with a fella the same day she met him. Her problem is not one of trust, it's one of boundaries and self respect. And just in case anyone wants to ream me a new one for what sounds like a blanket statement, let me reiterate: you meet a stranger, you have sex with stranger that day, you have issues. But in the case of the young lady, because of her back ground she probably has a bit deeper issues to deal with. I hope that she gets the help that she needs to deal with it.
As for the OP, I don't have much kindness for him either.
Posted: 11/10/2009 5:59:28 PM
|Well dumping her just for telling you something like that is already showing signs of being an ***hole sweetie... think about it? Why would you dump her for opening herself and sharing this with you? Has it made a difference in your relationship or the way she responds to you? If she is having trouble coming to terms with sex and relationships, then maybe she needs help. But if it's not affecting the sex or relationship, why would you use that as an excuse to dump her? I think you have other reasons to dump her and using this as an excuse. It doesn't make sense to me, sorry. |
Why would you say it would not be healthy for her if you see her again? The 2 of you already had sex, so why create problems for the future? I think YOU are the one that can't deal with this, and trying to make it look like you are doing her a favour by getting out. Your whole story just does not make sense to me......she did nothing wrong.
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