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 AUTHOR
 suzieinwv
Joined: 3/26/2008
Msg: 76
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Sensitive issuesPage 2 of 12    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12)

You are still a douche because you used her for sex. Regardless of what she went through and you went through in the past. As for your statement "But things happen when two adults hang out sometimes." It's highly wrong. I have and still do hang out with males (most of my friends are guys) and have yet to go oh it's sex time let's jump into bed. It seems like you still have a lot of growing up to do.


I am just wondering why there is no mention of any wrong doing on the girl's part in this post? Does she not share equal responsibilty in this? If a girl does not wish to be used for sex - then she needs to keep her legs closed until she truly gets to know someone that she can trust. Cmon. We all know this. And if he does not wish to be in this predicament again - he needs to keep it in his pants. And that is what growing up is about. He is not a bad person; he had a one night stand, for crying out loud.
 bellazingara
Joined: 7/4/2007
Msg: 78
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Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/2/2009 10:34:36 AM
Hi OP,

I think you did the right thing by telling her sooner than later and more importantly being honest with her. No matter how much you try to sugar coat bad news, someone is still likely to get hurt. Kudos to you for not taking the easy way out and pulling the disappearing act.

Best Wishes,

 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 79
Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/2/2009 10:37:31 AM
You people seem to be caught up in the personal morality of having sex on the first date. If you think that is wrong then that's your bussiness,

I'm caught up in nothing. I don't particularly think sex on the first date is wrong. I do think it's usually a bad idea,unless both people are clearly on the same page. How often does THAT happen on a first date?
But the fact remains, had you kept this first date clothed and conversational, you might have picked up on some of the other "disconnects" ( her racism and whatever else) that you claim are more significant than her molestation issues.
If you don't want to be "attacked", seen as "stupid", a "male stereotype that f*cks and runs" accused of "thinking with your d*ck", having no regard for the feelings of others,yadda yadda;
DON'T have sex on a first date and then post a topic on a dating site forum about how to dump the gal without looking like a rat b*stard. Better yet, learn to curb your urges and get to know someone a little bit before the 2 of you get nekkid together. If you can't then learn to man up and deal with the aftermath of f*cking someone on the first date,then not wanting to see them again,for WHATEVER reason.
Hit and run sex is a touchy topic,especially for women. It seems like we are damned if we do and damned if we don't. If we have sex on a first date, probably 80% of the time the guy's going to discover an "issue",because the woman was "too easy". If the sex was pretty good, he'll contact her again when he wants a little no strings stuff. But if the woman doesn't allow first date sex, well then, maybe she's "frigid", or "dislikes sex", or worse, she's using sex to "control" the outcome of the interaction.
Now, OP, do you understand that first date sex is a touchy subject for a lot of women who start feeling like 80% of the male population sees them as just warm holes to stick thier d*cks in? I don't PERSONALLY care, I've come to understand that I have to accept the consequences of my sexual decisions in dating. But a lot of women have been screwed over just about one too many times and this sort of thing just pisses them off to no end.

Cindy O
 Arabianangel
Joined: 6/9/2007
Msg: 84
Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/2/2009 1:46:02 PM

McViking, this is all part of life and experiences , you met someone , you thought about a relationship in the beginning, you had sex, she revealed something private, it freaked you out, and you've changed your mind about pursuing a relationship with her, and you want to know how to let her down without coming across as a a$$hole.

Look its called sh1t happens in life, I don't think she will be as upset as you think she might be, or maybe im wrong, but to answer your question there is NO easy way, the only thing you can do is tell her and tell her quickly, dont prolong it, she might look at you as ok at least you're being honest and not like the other jack off who just disappeared like a mobster in witness protection.


Hopefully they can both learn something from all of this. Girl aside for a minute, I still believe the OP can learn so much about his reaction to all of this...perhaps the OP may still have some of his own molestation issues that need to be dealt with...I believe alot can be said about how people REACT, abit of reflection can make this experience as a great lesson.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 86
Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/2/2009 2:16:10 PM

The deal breaker wasn't the fact that she was molested, its because we weren't compatible on a multitude of levels.


And of course you had no idea these incompatibilities existed until you had sex with her.
No, I think probably the sex wasn't good but you feel like about a half inch high for dumping her because of that. I wonder if her spilling her guts about the abuse/molestation was because she sensed you weren't impressed. It certainly seems to me to be a rather odd subject to launch into with someone you just had first date sex with, unless you felt a need to explain a lackluster performance.

I didn't see her whole personality until after we slept together

You can't see someone's whole personality in one date, unless you've known the person in real time for awhile. Even when you are with someone for a long long time, "personality" evolves.
Look, you came here hoping that someone could give you a magic way to tell this woman you don't want to see her again. I will give you brownie points for at least letting her know that,instead of just "falling off the face of the earth" .
It's my thinking that had you been impressed with the sex, it wouldn't have mattered if she'd been molested by the entire 7th Cavalry and was a member of the Ku Klux Klan . You'd be interested in continuing to see her. Rejecting someone because the sex wasn't good is not all that reprehensible. It's almost impossible to come out and SAY that to the other person, regardless of the medium of communication.
My recommendation? Be truthful with YOURSELF. If you are seriously looking for a meaningful longterm relationship, get to know the person a little bit first. Don't call sexual incompatibility,based on first date sex, "incompatible on a multitude of levels" . How the hell many levels can you explore on a first date when part of it's spent drinking alcohol and doing the horizontal mambo?
Cindy O
 suzieinwv
Joined: 3/26/2008
Msg: 89
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Posted: 2/2/2009 3:47:03 PM

Did I make a mistake by sleeping with her on the first date? Perhaps. But that's for me to live with and not for you to judge me.


So Op, are you going to come into a forum again and ask for any advice? Just a little humor there. But that's what these things are for - to gain a wider perspective on the subject at hand. Although I know you have spent alot of time defending yourself, just keep in mind that there aren't any right or wrong answers here. Because ultimately, the decision is yours, and you will be the one living with your decision. So I send my best wishes to you and good luck.




 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 90
Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/2/2009 3:59:02 PM




Did I make a mistake by sleeping with her on the first date? Perhaps. But that's for me to live with and not for you to judge me.

Who's judging? I SAID that rejecting someone because the sex wasn't good IS NOT ALL THAT REPREHENSIBLE. But it is awfully difficult to come out and say that to a person. I'm not sure letting someone think you weren't going to see them again because they revealed a history of being molested is any kinder.
And I for one do not think you are 'deviant' for having sex on the first date. I commend you for worrying that she would think her history of molestation was the reason you rejected her. But what's done is done...either you don't see her again(with or without an explanation), or you keep seeing her because you feel bad for her. Which of course really isn't a workable solution.
Will SHE think you dumped her because of the molestation issue? Who knows? There isn't much of anything you, or I or anybody else can do about it if she does.


But the fact that she can't sleep with someone next to her is kind of a big deal if you are going to have a ltr in my opinion

No it isn't. Twin beds or even separate rooms. Yes I know it's not the usual situation in a marriage or ltr, but these concessions do get made for partners with health issues, restless/thrashing around sleepers, people with chronic pain conditions...
I don't think you are a deviant for having sex on the first date, but refraining from it could help prevent the very scenario we are now hashing over.


I liked her, but then I saw something I didn't want to be with. A girl who doesn't match up with me. And no that doesn't mean I am too good for her, it means that we would not make a good couple

A lot of times these disconnects will come to light if one has a few dates WITHOUT having sex, then one need not feel guilty about not continuing to date the person if incompatibilities in character, values, personality come to light. So it's not a matter of deviancy, it's a matter of common sense.
Did you make sure to explain to her that her molestation had nothing to do with your decision to not continue dating her? Of course, more than likely, no matter what you say, she's going to believe that it WAS in fact the molestation. But there's not much you can do about that.
At the end of the day,OP, if you had no qualms about your decision to not see her anymore, why did you author this thread and specifically reference the molestation history first and foremost, only bringing up the racism and other incompatibilities in later posts?
Do you suspect YOUR OWN reaction? Is the molestation actually a factor, one that you don't want to face up to, because you know how much it hurts to be rejected on that account? Is this whole thread about you trying to prove to yourself that something you know is true isn't true? What is it you want from us?
Cindy O
 mrcyrus
Joined: 1/26/2009
Msg: 99
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Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/2/2009 7:02:32 PM

Yes I would still be hard on him. I could careless about the girl. He used her for sex and that was that. If he doesn't want to hurt anyone he needs to learn to keep his little man in his pants.


Hey there. In what universe was he using her for sex and she wasn't using him right back?
 mrcyrus
Joined: 1/26/2009
Msg: 103
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Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/2/2009 7:25:29 PM

Not for nothing his first post stated that her past was a problem for him. Then he back tracked and stated all the other issues he had with her. But he has yet to answer how long they were talking for before he decided to meet her. Just from talking to someone for a week or so you can get a feel for them.


Even if you completely and 100% disregard his reasons for wanting to break it off, he still didn't use her anymore than she used him. Come on.
 mrcyrus
Joined: 1/26/2009
Msg: 110
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Posted: 2/3/2009 1:23:17 AM

She used him how? Someone who is molested doesn't run into bed with someone right away just for the fun of it.


They had a one night stand. However complicated that becomes afterward, they used each other for sex. The fact that you're demonizing the OP for something they both did seems off to me. Should they have interrupted what was going on to have a twenty minute conversation about where they were going to go from there?
 Arabianangel
Joined: 6/9/2007
Msg: 111
Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/3/2009 1:40:00 AM

They had a one night stand. However complicated that becomes afterward, they used each other for sex. The fact that you're demonizing the OP for something they both did seems off to me. Should they have interrupted what was going on to have a twenty minute conversation about where they were going to go from there?


mrcyrus...The OP shouldn't be insinuating that victims of molestation make unhealthy partners...when he himself was a victim ..I don't think it's the sex that spiked people's noses up the wrong way...it's the assumptions that he's making.
 mrcyrus
Joined: 1/26/2009
Msg: 112
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Posted: 2/3/2009 4:22:48 AM
I get that, I just think it's wrong to deduce that he's used her any more than she's used him, that's all.

On the topic of what you mentioned, I definitely agree.
 kpooks
Joined: 12/23/2008
Msg: 115
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Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/3/2009 8:32:17 AM
If she had sex WITH YOU, uh--I think she's worked through her molestation issues. She ain't THAT sensitive. I'd continue-!
 catkin2007
Joined: 12/18/2007
Msg: 117
Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/3/2009 9:10:36 AM
OP, I didn't ask this before, but after reading all your "defenses" as you call them, I have to ask....

If you were molested too and know that its a hard issue to overcome, please explain to me how sex is such a "whatever" with you. I know someone who was molested as a child and I can tell you, she doesn't just have sex on a casual first date basis. She won't even let anyone touch her until she is comfortable with them.... So parts of your story don't add up... so please explain, how a guy who was molested ended up with a girl who was molested and you both had sex on the first date....
 catkin2007
Joined: 12/18/2007
Msg: 119
Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/3/2009 9:32:51 AM
Seventhone... I'm not saying someone should respond in the same manor, I'm merely asking as his posts have conflicting points of view in them and wanted clarification... and pointed out that it is odd two molested people would have sex on the first date with a stranger!!!
 ron62449
Joined: 10/28/2008
Msg: 121
Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/3/2009 10:09:39 AM
Gee, you put it so mildly!

Ron
 Miss W
Joined: 12/4/2006
Msg: 124
Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/3/2009 10:56:51 AM
I don't know how do I break this off without being an ***hole?

Too late. And next time, it may be in everyone's best interest to keep it in your pants until you know someone better. This situation is a good argument for it.
 catkin2007
Joined: 12/18/2007
Msg: 130
Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/3/2009 11:31:04 AM
OP, I'm also very aware of the way things are in terms of how people react different, but my point is - It is really strange and hard to believe that two strangers hook up, both suffered molestation and abuse and ended up together for a one night stand. I would say the odds of that are probably not even close to 1 percent chance of happening.

I believe since you have taken over four pages to tell your story that it is more about you and not her. I think the reason she really isn't appealing to you is because she did suffer abuse and if you did too, you know that having a relationship is hard to do with someone that has had that in their background. Me thinks it go too close to home and you would rather have sympathy from PoFers than admit it scared you.
 Arabianangel
Joined: 6/9/2007
Msg: 135
Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/3/2009 12:29:07 PM

OP, I'm also very aware of the way things are in terms of how people react different, but my point is - It is really strange and hard to believe that two strangers hook up, both suffered molestation and abuse and ended up together for a one night stand. I would say the odds of that are probably not even close to 1 percent chance of happening.

I believe since you have taken over four pages to tell your story that it is more about you and not her. I think the reason she really isn't appealing to you is because she did suffer abuse and if you did too, you know that having a relationship is hard to do with someone that has had that in their background. Me thinks it go too close to home and you would rather have sympathy from PoFers than admit it scared you.


So true....
 catkin2007
Joined: 12/18/2007
Msg: 136
Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/3/2009 1:31:17 PM
Incuubus... you really should read all his posts first... he back slide his story a few times...
 suzieinwv
Joined: 3/26/2008
Msg: 137
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Posted: 2/3/2009 2:15:09 PM

They both chose to have sex on the first date! That was a personal choice from both of them! Even though I don't do that, as long as they both agreed, who's to say it was wrong?

If he truly thought he liked her, then THEY had sex, and afterwards shared a discussion, that is just something that happened! The fact that she opened up to him does not obligate him to date her, or to feel like scum. He did not say he was not going to date her due to her past.
He has stated that he was trying to make it as painless as possible to tell her something that might hurt her because of her past. He was trying to not be cruel.

Saying he didn't want to date her either way is just a reality. If everyone that ever had a one night stand was required to date that person, I think it would be quite interesting, don't you?

Sleeping with this woman does not obligate this man to date her. This woman confiding her personal past to this man does not obligate him to date this woman!

The fact that the OP does not feel any kind connection toward this woman for a LTR doesn't make him a bad person.

Although I will probably get crucified for this:
IF SHE HAD NEVER REVEALED TO HIM A PAST THAT HAD MOLESTATION, WOULD ALL OF YOU BE SOOOOOOO HARD ON THIS GUY? ARE YOU NOT IN EFFECT MAKING HER MORE OF A "VICTIM" THAN HE IS?

It would then just be a case of......oh, he had a one night stand, and he doesn't see any relationship in the future, so he is doing the right thing by telling her, and walking away.


Very well said.
 catkin2007
Joined: 12/18/2007
Msg: 140
Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/3/2009 3:02:35 PM
If you read the posters' comments, it wasn't the sex that was bad, it was the way things were explained, handled and how you feel you are justified that was labeled bad.... big difference cowboy.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 144
Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/3/2009 5:15:16 PM
The question posed in the OT

don't know how do I break this off without being an ***hole?

Well, after 8 pages it seems like you'd catch on that you CAN'T. Not suggesting you should continue to see a woman you don't want to see,but what it boils down to is that it presents an appearance of "hit it and quit it"sex. About the ONLY circumstance that's going to give you a "pass" on hit and run sex,is if SHE pulled a knife or gun on you.


That's exactly how you tell her. You say; "I don't think this can work because of our past" and you leave it at that. Always leave with the same love you came in with, and you will feel better about it. You discovered this after you slept with her and she was just as willing. There were no victims, only volunteers. You can't rape the willing. You did nothing "wrong" to anyone. You both had a little passion and leave it at that.

I'd say you're doing what you feel is right by not pursuing it any further. I'd say you're a stand-up guy for at least wanting to tell her that. Who cares what anyone else here thinks? Who cares what I think? I would say that the results would be far worse trying to "force" something to work when you don't feel right about it. Square pegs - round holes.......NOPE.

all very true and correct. But I keep getting the feeling that the OP is desperately seeking a way to absolve himself of the guilt he feels about this situation.
There really isn't a way.
If you choose to have sex with someone you don't have much provenance for,there's an inherent risk that you may find unsettling information of one kind or another after the fact.

I didn't like the girl,

Now you've gone and done it! Dammit, son, don't you remember the old saying about giving someone enough rope?
Either you f*cked a girl you didn't like simply because she was there, or it IS about the history of molestation.
I'm sorry, there's no way you can come out of this now without looking like either a common internet/dive bar horndog,or a hypocrite.Speaking for myself, I think what actually happened is you decided right away that the girl wasn't someone you were interested in dating seriously, but decided to avail yourself of the opportunity to grab a piece.
That doesn't make you a devil from hell or even an interesting deviant, just another internet hordog. But when,AFTER the fact, you learn of this horrific incident in her past, the ol' guilt just starts washin' over you like Niagara Falls.
Well, that's just something you are gonna have to wear.
I will offer one thought...this gal MAY be one who makes a practice of boinking guys and then trots out the molestation issues so she can guilt trip a guy into continuing to date her. So I'm not going to paint her as a victim, but the statement
I didn't like the girl,
certainly sounds like a horndog play.

Perhaps this woman found the sex to be bad, so she decided to say things she knew would turn the OP off, in an effort to not lead him on?

Thank you. It's good to know that I'm not the only one who had that thought wander across their mind...

Wow! this thread is filled with Icetrogen..........A bitter chill from the women of POF

Oh now that's FUNny! Personally, I'm inclined to hope that both the OP and the woman in question learned valuable lessons.

Its over, but I will continue to defend myself.

Why???

apologise that I didn't format my explanation into a 40 page thesis.

You didn't? Sure looks to be something on that order to me.

I would ask politely if you could refrain from refering to me as someone that uses people for sex.

Dude, you came flat out in an earlier post and said you didn't LIKE the girl. Having sex with someone you don't like IS using a person for sex. Personally I think that's a crappy thing to do. I also know that it's pretty common and from all I've seen, heard, and experienced, it seems like men are the more likely ones to do this.

You especially can't see that fact that instead of taking advatage of her or playing head games and using her for sex, I ended it responsibly.

You said you didn't like the girl.Oh OK you only boinked her the one time.I still say you had no further intentions to this girl than to have a little hit and run, but when she opened up about her past, then you probably felt about a half inch high. I'm not suggesting that you should continue to see a girl you don't like out of a sense of guilt,but why are you coming here trying to find a way to rationalize what you did? Which was in fact to boink a woman you didn't like.We are none of us to blame for the guilt you experienced when you found out afterward that she was a survivor of sexual abuse.

I love a healthy dose of sexism in the morning it smells like victory for the very thing feminism is battling.
Smells like a defensive rationalization on your part.

am very aware of the rate that people are abused. AND LET ME MAKE THIS VERY CLEAR I DO NOT USE WOMEN FOR SEX STOP SAYING I DO.
Methinks thou dost protest overmuch.(My apologies to Shakespeare)

Its not the sex itself, but the vulnerabilty she feels. So just take your time, enjoy the fun of dating, and try to slake your lust. If you need to, try to keep your dates to public places, this would generally help. It will force you to engage her mind, and then you will have a better chance of seeing who the other person is!

Precisely. And excellent advice.

alot of personal attacks and man hating going on.


Certain women taking out their past differences with men out on me shows alot of baggage and immaturity.


or better yet stop taking your hatred for men that have harmed you on me. I came here for advice not to be attacked and subjected to your so called morality and self rightousness.

Defensive rationalizations.

But I will continue to defend myself if someone says something about me that isn't true, that's just who Iam.

Why bother? All we are is damaged, manhating women beating you up as proxy for all the other men who've wronged us. (Wait a minute...I don't HAVE any men in my past that I feel wronged me.But I don't like to see anybody seeking sympathy for a situation they got their ownself into.)

geez viking...open your mouth and change feet AGAIN !!!!...
Nah, he's got both feet in there now.
OP, you chose to go ahead and have sex with someone that I suspect you'd already decided wasn't gonna be someone you'd continue to see. It happens all the time,But when she revealed her past experience with abuse, it resonated with you but YOU DIDN'T LIKE HER ANYWAY.But the resonation put you on one hellacious 40 page thesis guilt trip.
You're gonna have to work out your own salvation on this one, pal.
Cindy O
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 152
Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/4/2009 9:39:09 AM

Some people seem to have a problem with the words "I didn't like this girl" as in I knew that from the get go and slept with her anyway. Not true. I didn't like this girl is refering to at the time of the post. Meaning after our date, and finding out what she told me and I told her I decided I didn't like her anymore.

Just keep scooping up my words and putting them together so that the sentences read that I am a horrible ***hole who preys on women and leaves in the dust.


Dude, actions speak louder than words. You boinked this girl and then decided she wasn't relationship material. Many of the women here have had that pulled on them about one time too many. Some women just don't seem to learn that the majority of men can compartmentalize sex and romance. (This is not to say that they always do this, but it's certainly a common phenomenon. And to be fair, there are women who do the same,but by and large 'sport f*cking' seems to be more of a guy thing.)

So regardless of your reason,it's gonna be "walks like a duck, quacks like a duck" and what your ACTIONS say is that you "hit it and quit it".
I, for one,GET that her revealing the molestation/abuse, given your own background, would cause an unavoidable flinch/cringe reaction. Which makes me wonder if you really HAVE worked through your issues. But that's a whole 'nother story.
What has happened here is many women CANNOT quite wrap their heads around how quickly your interest went from 'potential LTR' to "not gonna happen". I'd be willing to bet, that when this girl started telling you about her history of sexual abuse, your stomach probably turned over. Because you've been through the same thing. But yet you are also having a guilt reaction of a depth that probably scares the hell out of you. That's why you keep coming back trying to explain and defend yourself.
Son, what's done is done. You just learned a lesson that is pertinent to YOUR situation. Other people here may not be able to relate. But, given your own emotional scars from sexual abuse, you might do well to avoid first date sex with women you might want to date seriously. Take some time to learn a little bit about them, so you don't find yourself in another situation of feeling guilty about being revolted by postcoital true confessions.
No, I don't thing you are a horrible anything, but the depth of your guilt reaction and your almost frenetic attempts to rationalize the situation really does tend to put you in a bad light. Otherwise why would you keep explaining/defending yourself to a bunch of strangers on an internet dating site. Why does it matter what we think? I know you hoped to find some people who could sympathize with you because they've been in a similar situation. But this is not likely to happen. There may well BE people here who've had a similar experience,but if they're still fighting their own demons they cannot possibly help you fight yours. And the ones who have been able to work through it can't relate because,in their 20/20 hindset, you should have known better in the first place.
Cindy O
 Arabianangel
Joined: 6/9/2007
Msg: 154
Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/4/2009 12:38:13 PM

My last thought for all of you is that women can be just as cruel as men. So the next time you go to pick up that stone to throw at yet another "womanizer," step back and think how many men you probably ****ed up in the head through out the years. That nice friend who never could ask you out, that guy who kept feeding you drinks which you accepted as a free night on the town, the guy who you loved liked a brother, the guy that you would complain about all of your relationship problems to, I'm sure plenty of you women have had potentially good men in your life that you would string along maybe not for sex, but for some sort of benefit. You know why there are guys that do those things that ya'll claim I do? Because down the road some woman hurt him. Is it right? No. But don't judge me unless you have lived my life.


OP...if you weren't feeling so guilty, none of these 9 pges would have gotten to you, nor would you have felt the need to continually justify yourself...i said it right in the beginning and i will say it again...REFLECT on what's happened it's neither your fault or hers..don't let this experience just fade, get the most out of it...as an outsider I am telling you there is so much YOU can learn about YOURSELF from all of this...
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