|Sensitive issuesPage 6 of 12 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12)|
|Seventhone... I'm not saying someone should respond in the same manor, I'm merely asking as his posts have conflicting points of view in them and wanted clarification... and pointed out that it is odd two molested people would have sex on the first date with a stranger!!!|
| Miss W|
Posted: 2/3/2009 10:56:51 AM
I don't know how do I break this off without being an ***hole?
Too late. And next time, it may be in everyone's best interest to keep it in your pants until you know someone better. This situation is a good argument for it.
Posted: 2/3/2009 11:31:04 AM
|OP, I'm also very aware of the way things are in terms of how people react different, but my point is - It is really strange and hard to believe that two strangers hook up, both suffered molestation and abuse and ended up together for a one night stand. I would say the odds of that are probably not even close to 1 percent chance of happening. |
I believe since you have taken over four pages to tell your story that it is more about you and not her. I think the reason she really isn't appealing to you is because she did suffer abuse and if you did too, you know that having a relationship is hard to do with someone that has had that in their background. Me thinks it go too close to home and you would rather have sympathy from PoFers than admit it scared you.
Posted: 2/3/2009 1:31:17 PM
|Incuubus... you really should read all his posts first... he back slide his story a few times...|
Posted: 2/3/2009 2:15:09 PM
They both chose to have sex on the first date! That was a personal choice from both of them! Even though I don't do that, as long as they both agreed, who's to say it was wrong?
If he truly thought he liked her, then THEY had sex, and afterwards shared a discussion, that is just something that happened! The fact that she opened up to him does not obligate him to date her, or to feel like scum. He did not say he was not going to date her due to her past.
He has stated that he was trying to make it as painless as possible to tell her something that might hurt her because of her past. He was trying to not be cruel.
Saying he didn't want to date her either way is just a reality. If everyone that ever had a one night stand was required to date that person, I think it would be quite interesting, don't you?
Sleeping with this woman does not obligate this man to date her. This woman confiding her personal past to this man does not obligate him to date this woman!
The fact that the OP does not feel any kind connection toward this woman for a LTR doesn't make him a bad person.
Although I will probably get crucified for this:
IF SHE HAD NEVER REVEALED TO HIM A PAST THAT HAD MOLESTATION, WOULD ALL OF YOU BE SOOOOOOO HARD ON THIS GUY? ARE YOU NOT IN EFFECT MAKING HER MORE OF A "VICTIM" THAN HE IS?
It would then just be a case of......oh, he had a one night stand, and he doesn't see any relationship in the future, so he is doing the right thing by telling her, and walking away.
Very well said.
Posted: 2/3/2009 3:02:35 PM
|If you read the posters' comments, it wasn't the sex that was bad, it was the way things were explained, handled and how you feel you are justified that was labeled bad.... big difference cowboy.|
Posted: 2/3/2009 5:15:16 PM
|The question posed in the OT|
don't know how do I break this off without being an ***hole?
Well, after 8 pages it seems like you'd catch on that you CAN'T. Not suggesting you should continue to see a woman you don't want to see,but what it boils down to is that it presents an appearance of "hit it and quit it"sex. About the ONLY circumstance that's going to give you a "pass" on hit and run sex,is if SHE pulled a knife or gun on you.
That's exactly how you tell her. You say; "I don't think this can work because of our past" and you leave it at that. Always leave with the same love you came in with, and you will feel better about it. You discovered this after you slept with her and she was just as willing. There were no victims, only volunteers. You can't rape the willing. You did nothing "wrong" to anyone. You both had a little passion and leave it at that.
I'd say you're doing what you feel is right by not pursuing it any further. I'd say you're a stand-up guy for at least wanting to tell her that. Who cares what anyone else here thinks? Who cares what I think? I would say that the results would be far worse trying to "force" something to work when you don't feel right about it. Square pegs - round holes.......NOPE.
all very true and correct. But I keep getting the feeling that the OP is desperately seeking a way to absolve himself of the guilt he feels about this situation.
There really isn't a way.
If you choose to have sex with someone you don't have much provenance for,there's an inherent risk that you may find unsettling information of one kind or another after the fact.
I didn't like the girl,
Now you've gone and done it! Dammit, son, don't you remember the old saying about giving someone enough rope?
Either you f*cked a girl you didn't like simply because she was there, or it IS about the history of molestation.
I'm sorry, there's no way you can come out of this now without looking like either a common internet/dive bar horndog,or a hypocrite.Speaking for myself, I think what actually happened is you decided right away that the girl wasn't someone you were interested in dating seriously, but decided to avail yourself of the opportunity to grab a piece.
That doesn't make you a devil from hell or even an interesting deviant, just another internet hordog. But when,AFTER the fact, you learn of this horrific incident in her past, the ol' guilt just starts washin' over you like Niagara Falls.
Well, that's just something you are gonna have to wear.
I will offer one thought...this gal MAY be one who makes a practice of boinking guys and then trots out the molestation issues so she can guilt trip a guy into continuing to date her. So I'm not going to paint her as a victim, but the statement
I didn't like the girl, certainly sounds like a horndog play.
Perhaps this woman found the sex to be bad, so she decided to say things she knew would turn the OP off, in an effort to not lead him on?
Thank you. It's good to know that I'm not the only one who had that thought wander across their mind...
Wow! this thread is filled with Icetrogen..........A bitter chill from the women of POF
Oh now that's FUNny! Personally, I'm inclined to hope that both the OP and the woman in question learned valuable lessons.
Its over, but I will continue to defend myself.
apologise that I didn't format my explanation into a 40 page thesis.
You didn't? Sure looks to be something on that order to me.
I would ask politely if you could refrain from refering to me as someone that uses people for sex.
Dude, you came flat out in an earlier post and said you didn't LIKE the girl. Having sex with someone you don't like IS using a person for sex. Personally I think that's a crappy thing to do. I also know that it's pretty common and from all I've seen, heard, and experienced, it seems like men are the more likely ones to do this.
You especially can't see that fact that instead of taking advatage of her or playing head games and using her for sex, I ended it responsibly.
You said you didn't like the girl.Oh OK you only boinked her the one time.I still say you had no further intentions to this girl than to have a little hit and run, but when she opened up about her past, then you probably felt about a half inch high. I'm not suggesting that you should continue to see a girl you don't like out of a sense of guilt,but why are you coming here trying to find a way to rationalize what you did? Which was in fact to boink a woman you didn't like.We are none of us to blame for the guilt you experienced when you found out afterward that she was a survivor of sexual abuse.
I love a healthy dose of sexism in the morning it smells like victory for the very thing feminism is battling. Smells like a defensive rationalization on your part.
am very aware of the rate that people are abused. AND LET ME MAKE THIS VERY CLEAR I DO NOT USE WOMEN FOR SEX STOP SAYING I DO. Methinks thou dost protest overmuch.(My apologies to Shakespeare)
Its not the sex itself, but the vulnerabilty she feels. So just take your time, enjoy the fun of dating, and try to slake your lust. If you need to, try to keep your dates to public places, this would generally help. It will force you to engage her mind, and then you will have a better chance of seeing who the other person is!
Precisely. And excellent advice.
alot of personal attacks and man hating going on.
Certain women taking out their past differences with men out on me shows alot of baggage and immaturity.
or better yet stop taking your hatred for men that have harmed you on me. I came here for advice not to be attacked and subjected to your so called morality and self rightousness.
But I will continue to defend myself if someone says something about me that isn't true, that's just who Iam.
Why bother? All we are is damaged, manhating women beating you up as proxy for all the other men who've wronged us. (Wait a minute...I don't HAVE any men in my past that I feel wronged me.But I don't like to see anybody seeking sympathy for a situation they got their ownself into.)
geez viking...open your mouth and change feet AGAIN !!!!... Nah, he's got both feet in there now.
OP, you chose to go ahead and have sex with someone that I suspect you'd already decided wasn't gonna be someone you'd continue to see. It happens all the time,But when she revealed her past experience with abuse, it resonated with you but YOU DIDN'T LIKE HER ANYWAY.But the resonation put you on one hellacious 40 page thesis guilt trip.
You're gonna have to work out your own salvation on this one, pal.
Posted: 2/4/2009 9:39:09 AM
Some people seem to have a problem with the words "I didn't like this girl" as in I knew that from the get go and slept with her anyway. Not true. I didn't like this girl is refering to at the time of the post. Meaning after our date, and finding out what she told me and I told her I decided I didn't like her anymore.
Just keep scooping up my words and putting them together so that the sentences read that I am a horrible ***hole who preys on women and leaves in the dust.
Dude, actions speak louder than words. You boinked this girl and then decided she wasn't relationship material. Many of the women here have had that pulled on them about one time too many. Some women just don't seem to learn that the majority of men can compartmentalize sex and romance. (This is not to say that they always do this, but it's certainly a common phenomenon. And to be fair, there are women who do the same,but by and large 'sport f*cking' seems to be more of a guy thing.)
So regardless of your reason,it's gonna be "walks like a duck, quacks like a duck" and what your ACTIONS say is that you "hit it and quit it".
I, for one,GET that her revealing the molestation/abuse, given your own background, would cause an unavoidable flinch/cringe reaction. Which makes me wonder if you really HAVE worked through your issues. But that's a whole 'nother story.
What has happened here is many women CANNOT quite wrap their heads around how quickly your interest went from 'potential LTR' to "not gonna happen". I'd be willing to bet, that when this girl started telling you about her history of sexual abuse, your stomach probably turned over. Because you've been through the same thing. But yet you are also having a guilt reaction of a depth that probably scares the hell out of you. That's why you keep coming back trying to explain and defend yourself.
Son, what's done is done. You just learned a lesson that is pertinent to YOUR situation. Other people here may not be able to relate. But, given your own emotional scars from sexual abuse, you might do well to avoid first date sex with women you might want to date seriously. Take some time to learn a little bit about them, so you don't find yourself in another situation of feeling guilty about being revolted by postcoital true confessions.
No, I don't thing you are a horrible anything, but the depth of your guilt reaction and your almost frenetic attempts to rationalize the situation really does tend to put you in a bad light. Otherwise why would you keep explaining/defending yourself to a bunch of strangers on an internet dating site. Why does it matter what we think? I know you hoped to find some people who could sympathize with you because they've been in a similar situation. But this is not likely to happen. There may well BE people here who've had a similar experience,but if they're still fighting their own demons they cannot possibly help you fight yours. And the ones who have been able to work through it can't relate because,in their 20/20 hindset, you should have known better in the first place.
Posted: 2/4/2009 2:23:43 PM
|O.K., I'm not going to say I read the whole nine pages here. And, I'm not going to accuse the OP of taking advantage of the woman concerned. Both people wanted to have sex, or it wouldn't have happened. BUT....you did have sex with her, and at some point, she opened up to you something that was very sensitive to her. To then tell her that you never want to see her again, would definitely make you an ***hole, and that would apply to anyone in that situation, male or female. If she was nice enough to have sex with, she's nice enough to keep around.|
Posted: 2/4/2009 2:24:11 PM
|Hahahahahaha... I just looked at your profile OP... I know now why you are protesting your innocence so much... You're a cop! Too freakin' funny. Now all the little things that didn't add up in your 9 pages of rants about how people misunderstood you makes much more sense.|
Fact is... you hooked up, had a one night stand with a woman who had issues, just like you had issues, and you were trying to make it sound like you were innocent. Hate to tell you this cowboy, but it takes two to tango and whatever you claimed before or after, both of you were willing partners in this mess.
Very few women on here really smacked you as you say, they just worked off what you provided and changed as the rant of nine pages grew... the reason I came back to this post was because being in the legal field, I KNEW that something fishy was about. Thing is... you weren't attacked for having a one night stand... you didn't read all the posts carefully... you were taken to account for your changes in story, for hooking up and then using her for an excuse to make it all right to have had sex with her.... the sex or one night stand was not the issue....
Now, for a smacking as you call it.... you as a sheriff's deputy know there are two sides to every story... I wonder would she see things the same way it took you nine pages to say...
The real issue is... you had a one night stand... and needed an excuse for your actions... why not just say you fcked up and had a one night stand and go on.
Posted: 2/4/2009 3:00:13 PM
|Msgs 211 &216|
Reading those further convinces me that the "sensitive issue" may belong way more to the OP than to the girl in question.
OP, I'm not going to tell you no one is judging you. That would be untrue. But some of us ARE trying to get you to examine your own overreactions. You are WAY too defensive over this deal.
But I hope someone is so quick to judge you and insult you when the time comes that you have to make an important decision.
What decision? You had made up your mind to not see the girl again. Your decision was made, you were just looking for sympathy and validation.When you didn't get exactly what you were looking for, you started getting pissy.
My last thought for all of you is that women can be just as cruel as men. So the next time you go to pick up that stone to throw at yet another "womanizer," step back and think how many men you probably ****ed up in the head through out the years.
Again with the rationalization.
That nice friend who never could ask you out, that guy who kept feeding you drinks which you accepted as a free night on the town, the guy who you loved liked a brother, the guy that you would complain about all of your relationship problems to, I'm sure plenty of you women have had potentially good men in your life that you would string along maybe not for sex, but for some sort of benefit
Oh yeah, we're all B*tches from Hell on wheels. But we aren't the ones having a hissy fit here.Just for the record, I personally have taken great pains, as I go through life,to NOT do the things you are whining about.
And far from really being your last thought, then you come back with another batch of rationalizations;
NICE threatening over the internet. I am sure if I even once hinted on the threat of violence, you women would be all over me like ants, right?
Let me tell you something about guy friends. I'm sure none of those great guy friends don't have any sort of motive, or atleast have never entertained the thought of being with you, right?
Oh yeah. Of course the only reason a man would be friends with a single woman would be for purposes of getting in her pants. Dude, you are giving yourself away more and more with every post.
That said, I do think the magnitude of your overreaction here, your anger because people didn't post messages that said "Hey dude, been there, done that, not your fault,the girl was in the wrong( for which? having sex with you? Or revealing her history of sexual trauma?) might suggest that you have NOT gotten past your own trauma as well as you think you have.
That's just my opinion,but 9 pages,fueled largely by your argumentative rationalizations,over what is essentially a one night stand,leads me to speculate that you are the one having trouble getting over this.
Posted: 2/4/2009 10:16:49 PM
I made a remark about they'll give anyone a gun it appears re: his profession...I said who knows what really happened we don't have her side of things, he kept switching his excuses of why he didn't want to see her anymore..first it was the molestation thing...then she was a racist and then he didn't like her to begin with... then I said something along the line...FOR ALL WE KNOW, he might have held a gun to her head (or something along that line) and justifying himself in case she was to come out with some truth about what really happened that night or bad mouthing him around his town/city, or to cover his azz (reason for this thread)...I said for all we know...I didn't say he did...I crossed the line and shouldn't have said that tho.
just too many changes and too many justifications from him in my opinion
You know, he mentioned a few times how he didn't want to write down every single detail about what his reasons were, what happened, etc. He gave us the bare-bones of what happened because he wanted advice, and provided the details over time as he felt the need to defend himself. Just because he didn't make a laundry list of everything that occurred, everything he felt and thought, doesn't mean he's just pulling things out of his butt as we go.
I agree with the post right above this one that I quoted. I would not have had anywhere near the patience the OP did before he freaked out. Honestly, I don't think anybody with a moderate amount of objectivity can look at this situation and decide he's an a-hole. Maybe he didn't handle things in the wisest way, but it's clear he has good intentions. What he did is done, so let's help him do something now.
God so much hate up in this business.
Posted: 2/5/2009 10:37:24 AM
Hi OP,im afraid you are an a**hole and a big one.
Why would continuing your relationship not be healthy for you or her ?
Is she going to have too many issues for you to handle ?
I would break it off for her sake because she doesnt need an insensitive sh*t like you in her life.
See the post directly above mine.
Posted: 2/5/2009 10:39:36 AM
I met a girl last night and ended up having sex with her and she revealed to me some past issues regarding molestation. I am very aware of that type of situation and was very understanding, but I don't think that I should see her anymore because it would not be healthy for her or I, but I don't want to hurt her. I have never been that guy that doesn't return calls or just stops talking to a girl but I don't want to represent something that isn't going to happen. I just want to be as gentle as possible with her because I know how much courage and vulnerability it takes to tell someone that, and even though I don't know her that well I don't want to be insensitive. I don't know how do I break this off without being an ***hole?
Regardless of what anybody else did, or did not say, my response to the OP was that there isn't a way to do this gracefully and painlessly. There just ISN'T. This is one of these "Adventures in Modern Dating"fiasco situations where you just have to bite the bullet and accept that you screwed up and you are gonna be "the bad guy".
From a much later post by the OP;
The whole reason for this thread was how to tell this girl how it isn't going to work given all the factors
That's easy.You just do it.It ain't rocket science.
But I think what the OP really was looking for was some sort of comfort and absolution for the guilt HE was feeling. But most of us, for various reasons, could not in good conscience
give him that.And some posters had snap judgement/kneejerk reactions.And some pointed out that IT is possible to work through issues and have a functional relationship with someone who's experienced sexual trauma. So there was no way that a consensus of opinion was going to be achieved.
Personally I didn't consider the OP an asshat until he started with the adding on of excuses and the lashing out at other posters with lameass rationalizations. Had we all reassured him that first(and last)date sex was perfectly justified in this situation, he'd think we were all mighty fine and perceptive folks.
No 2Irish1, you're missing the point, you think every woman who has been abused will show the person signs they have been abused? if that was the case then the professionals at high school would of picked it up and have done something about it.
Anyone who has every touched, a woman who's been abused, knows right away, without having to be told, that she's been abused.
iceman and irish are both right...there ARE people who are exceptionally perceptive of body language,and very senstive to nonverbal cues. It's a gift not given to every person, but I'm sure that almost everyone knows some sort of "animal whisperer" or astonishingly intuitive person.
lived through sexual abuse too, and no that doesn't mean you have to feel sorry for me. I am a better person because of everything that I have went through.
Sorry, I can't 100% agree with that. I think the OP has NOT totally come to terms with his sexual trauma.For the most part I'm sure he does just fine,but I could see him having a pretty serious meltdown in certain situations. I see that Elvis has left the building, but if he comes back under a new ID and reads thi thread,I wish he would give some deep thought to getting help with his sexual trauma.I'm not any kind of professional,but his oversensitivity/overreacting,and some of his comments/choice of words seem out of whack to me.
don't think anybody with a moderate amount of objectivity can look at this situation and decide he's an a-holeI didn't at first,but I also could not say to him that there was some magic thought he could think, some magic words he could say,that would make him NOT be the bad guy. Sometimes in life, we have to make unpopular decisions or have unpleasant confrontations, and there just ain't a way to candy coat it.That's all I was trying to say to him. Of course, the fora being what they are,his topic pushed a few buttons for some folks. IT'S A FORUM, not a "Dear Abby" column.
I still don't think he's an asshat, but I do think the intensity of his reaction when he didn't get exactly what he wanted( because it doesn't exist) leads me to think that he's not as emotionally healthy as he thinks he is.
Posted: 2/5/2009 10:47:31 AM
|I agree with you Cindy, but just because his topic pushed some buttons doesn't mean people should lose their social graces. It's like the idea of dealing with each other with respect goes out the window because we're on the internet, whew. That's the nature of the beast, I guess.|
Posted: 2/5/2009 10:51:34 AM
|Sure, but the OP's experience isn't the same as yours and he's pretty clearly trying to do the right thing. A little encouragement is needed. If you'd read his posts, at least, you'd probably get a better sense of his character.|
I always think people should use their personal experiences to help out with giving advice, but letting it control your view on things isn't the way! These things are subjective.
Posted: 2/5/2009 12:26:06 PM
To mrcyrus,having now read the whole eleven pages plus the OPs previous threads i have to say i have not changed my mind at all on this one.As he said he has had many one night stands,fair enough if thats the way he wants to lead his life,but he has to be prepared for the consequences and trying to prove he is a good guy just doesnt wash.
Good people have one night stands. It is not someone's responsibility to make sure their partner is emotionally stable enough for one. A bad guy wouldn't have bothered to talk to the girl about not wanting to see her anymore, don't you see that? I see a clear distinction between the OP and what I would consider a 'bad' person.
Opie, OP was annoyed. He would not actually slap a person in real life if it wasn't warranted, I'm sure. To you, too, I want to say that good people have one night stands. If two people want to have sex and have no interest in getting to know each other first, that's their prerogative. He's my age, and we younguns are not exactly the most emotionally stable just yet. His intentions were clearly positive regarding this situation, so let's not judge him based on his reactions to all the flack he's received.
It's easy to criticize, I realize, but come on.
Posted: 8/10/2009 7:23:38 PM
|I agree, just because someone did u wrong, don't take it out on the next guy!|
Posted: 11/2/2009 9:12:02 AM
|Dude, sorry but IMO, you are an a**hole. This girl revealed her innermost personal secret to you and you want to dump her over it. |
Being a physical abuse survivor, I have to say what happened to her is not her fault.
She'd be better off without someone like a user like you.
Posted: 11/2/2009 7:33:07 PM
|[It happened to me too, so I don't appreciate when people assume I don't know what it feels like to be in her situation, and how shitty of a person this would make me if I would jsut stop talking to her. But it would not be a healthy relationship, its just too painful for me, but I don't want to hurt her. I just don't know what to do.]|
As to the above, how is it, then, that you had no problem jumping into bed with her? Are you intimating that it is more painful to lay with someone who has similar experiences to your own? Sounds fishy, to say the least.
Posted: 11/2/2009 7:46:47 PM
|you met her then had sex with her???|
hmmm. that doesn't sound like you knew her all that well to begin with before even having sex with her.
besides all of that seeing she felt that comfy with you to reveal something like that after sleeping with you takes alot for a woman.
and now your going to dump her because of it.
Posted: 11/2/2009 8:34:58 PM
|Survivors have trust issues cause the ones they trust are the ones who often do the abuse. This girl trusted you and you want to drop her like a hot potato. I don't see how we can learn to trust when those we open up to want to stick it to us.|
Posted: 11/2/2009 9:25:33 PM
|barbee1970 wrote: |
Survivors have trust issues cause the ones they trust are the ones who often do the abuse. This girl trusted you and you want to drop her like a hot potato. I don't see how we can learn to trust when those we open up to want to stick it to us.
barbee, get real, this young lady has deep seated problems that need to be addressed. She had sex with a fella the same day she met him. Her problem is not one of trust, it's one of boundaries and self respect. And just in case anyone wants to ream me a new one for what sounds like a blanket statement, let me reiterate: you meet a stranger, you have sex with stranger that day, you have issues. But in the case of the young lady, because of her back ground she probably has a bit deeper issues to deal with. I hope that she gets the help that she needs to deal with it.
As for the OP, I don't have much kindness for him either.
Posted: 11/10/2009 5:59:28 PM
|Well dumping her just for telling you something like that is already showing signs of being an ***hole sweetie... think about it? Why would you dump her for opening herself and sharing this with you? Has it made a difference in your relationship or the way she responds to you? If she is having trouble coming to terms with sex and relationships, then maybe she needs help. But if it's not affecting the sex or relationship, why would you use that as an excuse to dump her? I think you have other reasons to dump her and using this as an excuse. It doesn't make sense to me, sorry. |
Why would you say it would not be healthy for her if you see her again? The 2 of you already had sex, so why create problems for the future? I think YOU are the one that can't deal with this, and trying to make it look like you are doing her a favour by getting out. Your whole story just does not make sense to me......she did nothing wrong.
12 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12)