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 oldkid
Joined: 7/3/2006
Msg: 101
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Married Men -To date or not to date? Page 5 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
FriendlyFreeSpirit,

They already have a relationship with their wives, remember?

I think we can say that most married men and women have a "relationship" with their spouse......the fallacy is assuming it is a satisfactory relationship.


It's always about sex. If you've gotten too old for sex to be the primary reason for your search

Should we assume that anyone on POF who is not looking for a LTR is also primarily looking for sex? Should we asssume that most men who have female friends primarily view them as sex partners? They seem like very broad assumptions to me. I guess I must just be that out of touch with the reality of today.
 Aroxonder
Joined: 4/10/2009
Msg: 102
Married Men -To date or not to date?
Posted: 4/15/2009 7:30:52 AM
As a married man who just recently joined this site, I've read this discussion with considerable interest. I want to thank those who have contributed to this discussion for helping me take some time to really look at what I'm doing and analyze my motives.

It is not any one thing that led me here. Obviously, the marriage has not been going smoothly, or I wouldn't have even considered it. I don't feel loved or respected, and it seems we cannot have the simplest conversation without it deteriorating into a fight. She always seems on edge, ready to hammer me for the slightest mistake. As a result, my learned behavior is to let her talk about what she wants to talk about and offer little. It is not very fulfilling, but at least it keeps the peace (usually).

Am I a coward for putting up with the situation? Probably. I'm scared of what a divorce would entail. I don't want to lose my kids, I don't want to get in a battle with my wife, and most of all, I just don't want to fail. (I understand that I'm failing just being here, but a divorce is the final pronouncement of failure.) And, while I understand the point of view of those advocating divorce, I respectfully disagree. I don't think it is just cheaters who are rationalizing their behavior. Divorce can be just as selfish an act as cheating in many ways, but it is clearly more honest.

But anyway, I was ignorant of dating sites until a few months ago, let alone that people could find ways to cheat on them. Curiosity drove me to check them out (though clearly if the marriage was good, that wouldn't have been enough). I think part of it is just seeing if someone would be interested in me. It isn't about the sex except to the extent that it validates that I'm desirable. Which, of course, this thread helps point out that I'm not, precisely because I am married.

The great irony of the situation is that my unmet needs are emotional, not sexual, but the women who could meet those needs won't because of my situation (and I can't blame them for it and indeed respect the position). Thus, it is easier to find an "intimate encounter" because someone looking for NSA sex doesn't really care who you are. From my perspective, a quick encounter is much simpler to arrange as well. So, on a whim, that's what I put on my profile here. I know that it is pathetic that I've reduced myself to looking for something that won't even relieve the issues I'm dealing with just to see if I can and because it is easier.

The lesser irony is that I'm not even sure I would actually go through with anything. Obviously, I'm here so there's at least a chance I would, and I'm not proud of that. To this point, I haven't had any opportunities develop, and maybe that's for the best. The other sites I've been on have been largely ripoffs as far as I can tell.

So, where to go from here? Part of me doesn't want to leave. Perhaps I'll find someone who'll listen to me and be a friend and give me emotional support, and there doesn't have to be any sex involved. Of course, what that may mean is that I really need a counselor more than anything. That may not be a bad idea, but I'm not sure I can afford it.

I'm really at a loss how to improve my marriage. She's told me in the past that she wishes I would just leave so I'm not even sure she's willing to work on it. She seems to feel that the way to improve the marriage is for me to do whatever she wants without her even having to tell me what that is. While that may be ideal for her, I'm not a mind reader, and I can't go on getting nothing back.

Anyway, I just had to get that off my chest. If I had anyone I could talk to, I probably wouldn't be here in the first place.
 OrbitalDissonance
Joined: 3/30/2009
Msg: 103
Married Men -To date or not to date?
Posted: 4/15/2009 4:32:56 PM
I can't believe this is even a question, seriously. Of course it's not ok to date someone that's married. Yes, I believe that "knowingly" helping someone cheat is also cheating. Now, no one can blame you if you don't know they're already married.
 Eye Of The Tigger
Joined: 9/23/2008
Msg: 104
Married Men -To date or not to date?
Posted: 4/15/2009 7:00:14 PM
Aroxonder, I admire you for being vulnerable and honest.

I don't envy people in your situation. It's like you really are stuck, in a no-win situation, unless you can somehow get your wife to communicate more, or something.

Maybe if you totally quit trying with her, that'll shake her up at least to get her to quit taking you for granted. Maybe she'll realize what she could lose.

What I mean by that is just sort of peacefully, quietly, sort of get in your own mental world. Act like you're totally OK and don't feel at odds with her. I bet she'll miss you.
 candue2
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 105
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Married Men -To date or not to date?
Posted: 7/8/2009 5:38:16 PM
I just read the message posted by Aroxonder and I felt it was very well said. I think that in most marriages their seems to be a communication breakdown and therefore assumptions are made as to what the expectations are...

Very well said.

I myself am a 55 year old female who has been married for 37 years... I married at the age of 19 when it was the norm after graduating from high school to marry your sweetheart... It is a very difficult thing to break from this marriage when you have so many ties involved. Children, grand-children, in-laws, friends etc... I think you feel that it will not be the same, maybe you won't be able to make it on your own, maybe you won't find someone out their for you.

It is a very difficult decision to make, but I myself have decided that I need to move on. I am currently in a relationship with a married man and passion and sex is the biggest attraction for both of us. I highly doubt he will leave his wife for me, therefore, I will move on and hopefully find someone who is best suited for me and not attached.

I am on this web-site to hopefully find the right man for me.

Wish me luck
 zrex1100
Joined: 1/3/2007
Msg: 106
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Married Men -To date or not to date?
Posted: 9/17/2009 11:15:16 AM
Not sure if I have a question....comment.....or just venting......LOL.
I recently went through a similar experience with a woman I met on this site.
The woman has an affair with a married man, he promises that he is leaving his wife.....he actually does. Then after 6 monthes dumps her and decides to go back to his wife. I enter the picture....6 months later a fabulous 5 week world wind romance insues
,,,,LOL. Mr wedding band come back into the picture with the same old promises .
What posses a woman, to fall for the same old tired story again. What posses a woman
[ or a man.....lets not disciminate ] to get involved in this triangle. It is a mathimatical
conclusion....someone is going to get hurt and someone is going to do the hurting.
From what I understand from the women that I have encountered and dated in the last 14 years.......yes I said 14 years.....LOL. I understand that geographically speaking there may be a shortage of single men from city to city, but do you reallly want to share .....?
 zrex1100
Joined: 1/3/2007
Msg: 107
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Married Men -To date or not to date?
Posted: 9/17/2009 1:46:29 PM
Very intersesting perspective into this socialal phenomenom.
And you definatly raise some very accurate intell.....being single I do tendto look at this as "Bad". I have never dated a married woman, and I have never "Cheated" on a SO. But with all the self help material available to us in this day in age. Why leave a relationship, if it just lacking emotional connection, and venture a gamble on a new relationship? Would we all not be better served if whe were to repair, or atleast try to repair our existig relationship? Like I said, after dating for 14 years I think I would rather try to save a relationship than undertake another 14 year search. And with expience I have aquired, I do not se that as a difficult task. Once again, have we just become lazy as a society? Have our love relationships become disposable? Is this the society that we live in?
 Zoso2011
Joined: 8/12/2009
Msg: 108
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Married Men -To date or not to date?
Posted: 9/19/2009 9:15:31 AM
Married Men - To date or not to date? The man is married, he is a cheater and a low life and should be castrated. Should you date him? Sure, if all you want is sex. Because if he is cheating on his wife with you, what makes you think he won't cheat on you with someone else? I hate cheaters, plain and simple, they are all worthless in my book.
 Stafford_Jim
Joined: 8/12/2009
Msg: 109
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Married Men -To date or not to date?
Posted: 9/19/2009 10:57:12 AM
For the most part married folks who date are looking for an easy, non-committed sexual relationship. They want their cake and eat it to.

They don't want to give up their stable life at home, their financial status, or their perception amonst friends and family. They have no intention of divorcing their spouse, but want a little strange on the side.

This isn't a slam on you, but I never understood how a single person could even contemplate seeing a married man/woman. I have a few female friends who have done it, and talked to me about it trying to figure out why. In each case, they slept with the married man after finding out they were married, and each one was gotten into bed pretty easily. They fit into 3 categories that I observed, single mothers who had nobody else in their life, low self esteem, or self loathing women who were easy prey to married men who had no intentions of going past a fling wit them.

And you mentioned you're trying to get over feelings for him. Would you really want to be involved with a man who cheats on his wife? Say he does get divorced and you marry him, would you really believe, 'he's not going to do that to me' ?

Best advice I can give you is to stay away from them. Not only are you going to get hurt in the end, but you may also have hurting the wife on your conscience. Granted she's going to be hurt eventually by his actions, but do you want to be, 'the one' responsible?
 Ice-ey9
Joined: 8/23/2008
Msg: 110
Married Men -To date or not to date?
Posted: 9/19/2009 12:18:56 PM
Most of the posters here are trying to rationalize cheating on their spouse - IMHO your not in need of a lover you need a marriage counseller.
 peppermint petunias
Joined: 9/2/2009
Msg: 111
Married Men -To date or not to date?
Posted: 9/19/2009 1:22:12 PM
People are going to lie about being married, and about their age amongst other things.
If you want people to be honest and upfront from the get go, you need to be honest yourself. Think about it.
 brad29483
Joined: 3/29/2008
Msg: 112
Married Men -To date or not to date?
Posted: 9/19/2009 4:48:14 PM
^^^ naw, that makes too much sense for these losers
 Calientecutie
Joined: 4/5/2009
Msg: 113
Married Men -To date or not to date?
Posted: 9/19/2009 5:11:45 PM
what kind of message are you sending? if you want me to say it is okay...it is not going to happen..do you want to be no 1 or second choice...it will be your choice...if you have respect for yourself and love yourself...you will want a single man...you are not the only one that it happens to...men are jerks...not all...but many
 Brian Hunter
Joined: 8/18/2009
Msg: 114
Married Men -To date or not to date?
Posted: 9/21/2009 10:16:17 AM
Boy, I know I'm biting the tigers tail replying to this thread, but there's one thing that has to be said. "people are people" If you try to filter what other people do based on what you would do you will come up short every time. There's a dozen reasons or more why married men, and women I might add, are on this site. Like I say in my profile, if you don't understand you probably won't even if I explained it to you, and if you do, then you've probably been there. The point is, as much as I do agree that some men just flat give my gender a bad name (a reference here to the pigs comment), there are those of us who don't. We're all adults, or should be anyway. As long as the guy is up front and honest about his marital status then it's a choice. No one's forcing the contact. I don't get mad if a women has no interest in talking to me. It's her choice. The only thing that bothers me is those who presume they know all the reasons and solutions to why a married person is on here. I don't lay out my baggage, I don't give a "poor me" it just is what it is. The same could be said for all the women who refuse to divorce their husbands. Until someone is in their shoes, and I don't just mean a bad marriage, because all of them are different in their own way, a person couldn't understand.
Fact is, the guy lied to you by saying he was single, so you couldn't choose on truth. That's to his discredit and an apology on man-hoods behalf for it.
 elcamino1982
Joined: 7/3/2007
Msg: 115
Married Men -To date or not to date?
Posted: 9/21/2009 3:33:52 PM
Well, I dont conider myself a pig. We all have opur reasons for being here. Dont be too judgemental. I thought the same way for over twenty years. Faithful, honest, loyal and committed. It was the other way around for me. I am upfront, and as hoest as I can be about my current position. Many of us are professional, considerate, fun and want passion, romance, caring and loving just as you do. I find many women are rude and can also be sanctimonious. I promise we are all not pigs. Most of us are lonely. Please, just be nice and if you dont want married men to contact you, please use the filter. Also, I do not contact those that are looking for longterm or dating or anyone that states no married men.
 Ependa
Joined: 7/16/2009
Msg: 116
Married Men -To date or not to date?
Posted: 9/21/2009 9:51:43 PM
do youself a favor, save some heartache..definitely go with the 'not to date' option. Seriously, you have to ask yourself what kind of guy would do this ...do you really want to be with one like that (regardless of attraction). I love the way I live, passionately. That kind of heartache , I don't need.

Many years ago..there was a guy, I can't completely villainize him, though he was obviously wrong. We started something up, that was..well, it wasn't really love ,per se..it was more casual than that for sure, for both of us. But there was some level of feelings/friendship. Anyway, not too far into it he told me was living with a woman and engaged to be married. Wow. Just steer clear and save yourself some pointless tears.

If you're a married man magnet..you might want to set your restrictions so they can't email you =) Head 'em off at the pass =)
 Ms.Outgoing22
Joined: 7/30/2009
Msg: 117
Married Men -To date or not to date?
Posted: 9/22/2009 5:32:56 AM
simple

they are un-happy with their wife, usually due to majority of the time, lack of sex.

so they come on here, secretly, and look for one nighters and booty calls and FWB

I ran into my first, married man, a few months ago.

was listed as single, but started acting sketchy, when he said we could not meet nor hang out in his hometown, he claimed from "nosy siblings" but I knew it had to be a wife and kids.

I called him out on it, threw all the fuel I had collected from emails into his face.

Needless to say, it caused him to close his POF account.

I am hoping, it saved his marriage.

I am hoping he either got busted, or woken up enough to stop.

BUT who knows, he could have made another account a month later, I havent heard from him since.
 fred_tuck
Joined: 8/10/2009
Msg: 118
Married Men -To date or not to date?
Posted: 10/12/2009 12:48:32 AM
Brian in msg 142 has described things pretty well. As he said


as much as I do agree that some men just flat give my gender a bad name (a reference here to the pigs comment), there are those of us who don't. We're all adults, or should be anyway. As long as the guy is up front and honest about his marital status then it's a choice


There are no excuses for men that lie about their marital status. I guess many look at all the ads for pretty available girls and get carried away by the excitement. They intentionally deceive but they do so while blinded by the thrill of findng new/strange - its no excuse but it happens. Once they get past that first contact then they have hung themselves and are too horny, too excited, too cowardly to back out - well, at least not until getting laid and hindsight kicks in.

Sounds terrible doesn't it.... but its true. What a lot of married guys don't realise and don't consider when the thrill grabs them is that singles have a different perspective and an entirely different life to married people. In particulr these married men have a lack of understanding about the emotional needs of single females.

Where the married guy goes home to deal with whatever situation they have at home, he compartmentalises what happens away from home. The single female generally doesn't do that, often not having the alternate emotional network and other activities that allow compartmentalisation. When alone she has been planning and fantasising about 'him' and the life they could have, etc (guys do it too). Whereas when at home the married guy is thinking about bills, kids, car repairs and getting on with the missus, and how to go about getting time to see his single girlfriend. It is a completely unbalanced state of affairs. Therefore when the deception is revealed she is devastated far more so than 'he' could ever have anticipated.

Short version - Married guys, keep away from single girls. Even if you don't lie to them to get laid the potential damage and emotional harm that can be done simply by the imbalance in expectation and emotional needs is awful and just plain cruel.
 oldkid
Joined: 7/3/2006
Msg: 119
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Married Men -To date or not to date?
Posted: 10/12/2009 5:50:51 AM
Fred, thanks for your post. As a married man who casual dates, I have to agree with most of what you say. Playing with someone's emotions just isn't right and lieing about your maritial status just to get laid is about the worst. A one night pick up for just the fun is one thing while starting a relationship with someone either single or also married raises many concerns.

There are single adults, both men and women, who are happy with and desire a FWB relationship without the constraints of the normal relationship. They wish to lead and live the life of their choice (one that doesn't lend itself well to a close relationship) yet desire the knowledge they have a close friend and sex partner out there someplace in the world. They know they can call upon their friend when life goes badly or they just want a little company for a day or 2. This is not for everyone as often times emotions do get involved and must be dealt with. I think it works best when you find someone that you are comfortable with yet know you could never live with. This should NOT be considered if you are at the point in your life where starting a family is part of your goals!

I imagine the flamers will have something to say now, just wish they would add something of value to the discussion other than their moral judgement.
 outfctrl
Joined: 2/18/2007
Msg: 120
Married Men -To date or not to date?
Posted: 10/12/2009 11:18:07 AM
I had an affair with a married women one time and loved it. Never had to worry about a commitment. She would come over for a few hours for oral sex and go back to her husband.
Then one day, I met this guy at a biker place. We became friends and started to ride together. He invited me over to his place and I met his wife. It was her. OMG

Needless to say, everything stopped after that. LOL He never found out, but I am still friends with her.

Scared the crap out of me.
 WasabiGal
Joined: 8/10/2009
Msg: 121
Married Men -To date or not to date?
Posted: 10/12/2009 8:17:20 PM
gosh this thread is making me all misty-eyed

all the poor men caught up in loveless marriages and just looking for some luvin' with a kindhearted woman....a good woman who understand him, who comforts him, who will provide a save haven for his little sailboat, away from the stormy seas of his harridan wife

somebody pass me a tissue...I'm all choked up
 Super_Eve
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 122
Married Men -To date or not to date?
Posted: 10/12/2009 8:40:11 PM

all the poor men caught up in loveless marriages and just looking for some luvin' with a kindhearted woman....a good woman who understand him, who comforts him, who will provide a save haven for his little sailboat, away from the stormy seas of his harridan wife

somebody pass me a tissue...I'm all choked up


I won't pass a tissue, I will hand you a box. Wasabi can make one do that.

Married men are just fine, because they require a lot less maintenance.
 edster1224
Joined: 2/27/2008
Msg: 123
Married Men -To date or not to date?
Posted: 10/13/2009 12:22:34 AM
I think most men who are married do this because their sex life at home has gotten stale. They also know that most women who aren't already married themselves, won't usually date a man if she already knows that he's married. Some of them may even want out of their marriage but are afraid of being alone in the meantime. So, they may be looking to jump from one woman to another. In order to do this, they lie about being single.
I know in my first marriage, after things got bad, I lied for that same reason. I didn't see a reason to leave my wife until I had already found someone better to be with and so that I wouldn't be alone. Of course I still ended up being truthful about it and ended up finding a co-worker who was also unhappy in her marriage. We both left our spouses for each other but didn't stay together for long.
In my second marriage, I realized that being alone in-between relationships can be a good thing, esp. if the marriage is bad. It gives you a chance to really think about the kind of person you want and are looking for in order to really make you happy.
Nowadays, I'm married for the third and hopefully last time. I'm hoping that this will be the one that will last for the rest of my life. I'm still on a few dating sites, though. I'm honest about it, though. I list on my profile that I'm married and am just looking for women to chat, talk to and be friends with. I'm not looking to hurt my wife, or myself or anything else by doing something that I shouldn't be.

Ed
 DonCarlo
Joined: 10/4/2006
Msg: 124
Married Men -To date or not to date?
Posted: 10/13/2009 12:43:18 PM
Dont do it. Too many single men in the world for you to get into and deal with the repercussions of an affair with a married man. Do you really want to be the "other woman"??
 DonCarlo
Joined: 10/4/2006
Msg: 125
Married Men -To date or not to date?
Posted: 10/13/2009 12:47:59 PM
Some men (and some women) just want their cake and eat it too. They dont want to deal with issues and problems in their marriages. An affair is a form of escapism. Of course it may not even be about that. Could just be that old habits are hare to break and marriage doesn't change anything.
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